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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: The Douchebags of Last Week’s TV Edition

March 7, 2019 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
WWE Raw Vince McMahon Drew McIntyre

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

TVset

For this week’s Douchebag of the Week, I’ve decided to take a look at the top Douchebags from the TV shows I watched last week. Now, by “TV shows” I mean current TV shows on both broadcast television and on cable, so there won’t be any “classic” TV shows represented (hey, I do watch a lot of “old” TV, so that could be a future column topic). There are also no streaming shows on this list, as I don’t, at this time, participate in the streaming world (outside of Shudder, and, at the moment, I watch Shudder for Joe Bob and the movies that are on there). I do sort of wish I had the time to watch more TV, just so I could have a better understanding of what it is people are talking about. Reading about a TV show isn’t the same thing as watching a TV show.

And now onto this week’s Douchebag of the Week.

Douchebag

VinceMcMahon

(Author’s note: the following has been written in the context of “pro wrestling being real” and you should read it in that context. Thanks)

This week, the 411 Douchebag of the Week goes to WWE owner and chairman and Douchebag Hall of Famer Vince McMahon, for taking away Kofi Kingston’s shot at the WWE title at the upcoming Fastlane pay-per-view. McMahon, who broke up a big hooha contract signing segment at the beginning of Smackdown Live! to announce the change, claimed that Kingston didn’t provide enough “potential box office” to justify a pay-per-view main event slot, so McMahon replaced Kingston with the former Kevin Steen, Kevin Owens.

What a bunch of shit.

Yes, a main event match featuring WWE champion “The New” Daniel Bryan versus former Universal Champion Owens could be awesome. Both Bryan and Owens are tremendously exciting to watch in the ring. However, Kingston has been on a role as of late, kicking ass in a gauntlet match on Smackdown and then almost winning the Elimination Chamber main event. On top of that, the crowd is on his side even more than usual (Kingston always gets cheered as a member of the popular New Day team, but he’s been getting even louder cheers since that Smackdown gauntlet match). The WWE Universe wants to see Kofi Kingston in the main event right now.

Vince McMahon doesn’t think that’s the case. Kofi Kingston just isn’t “box office” enough.

Again, what a bunch of shit.

I mean, didn’t current WWE Champion Daniel Bryan have to go through a “you’re just not main event material” thing not that long ago? Why can’t McMahon see that Kingston is in the same position right now and that he could pull a Daniel Bryan next?

Because Vince McMahon is a fucking douchebag. He lives to screw with people’s lives and careers. He wants everyone to believe that he and he alone is responsible for the success of the WWE and that no one else participated in that. He knows what he’s doing, he knows what he’s talking about, and people should just accept that Kofi Kingston “isn’t ready.”

Ludicrous. Kingston is ready and he should be in the main event at Fastlane. McMahon is just being a douchebag asshole.

Who is McMahon going to screw next?

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And now for this week’s honorable mentions…

Tom Barnes, the character played by the great Mykelti Williamson on Lethal Weapon, for shooting Roger Murtaugh (Damon Wayans). I know that, as a rogue CIA operative of some sort, that Barnes is expected to be a less than good person, but that doesn’t mean he has to shoot a good cop like Murtaugh just to get away. He could have skipped town a million other ways. I mean, Natalie Flynn (Maggie Lawson), Wesley Cole’s (Sean William Scott) babe, was tied to a chair that was rigged with a bomb. Shouldn’t that have been enough to get away? Of course. But that wasn’t enough for Barnes. I hope we do get a fourth season so we can see Murtaugh and Cole track that sonofabitch down in Ecuador and take his ass out.

Spencer Briggs, played by Paulo Costanzo, the special guest star on this past week’s episode of the CBS show FBI, for the way he acted around Sela Ward’s Special Agent in Charge Dana Mosier. Yes, Briggs, as a profiler and an expert on bombers and shit, had something to offer in solving the big mad bomber case that was at the heart of the episode. What Briggs shouldn’t have done was act like he was in charge of the investigation when he clearly wasn’t. In fact, he spent almost the entire episode deliberately undermining Mosier in front of her people. Briggs did realize, at the end of the episode, that he was being a total douchebag the whole time, but, man, why did it take him that long to figure it out?

Tim Bradford, the LAPD training officer character played by Eric Winter on the ABC show The Rookie, for his incessant “intensity” when dealing with his trainee Lucy Chen (Melissa O’Neil). Bradford acts the way he does around Chen and the other two trainee cops because he’s a tough as nails cop who wants to make sure that the new cops can handle the job and, I guess, people respect hardasses (J.K. Simmons won as Oscar for playing a character that was a hardass, and everyone loves Judge Judy for the same reason). But all he really is is a dick. The other two training officers, while serious in their demeanor, aren’t hardasses 24/7. They’re actually friendly to their trainees every so often. So what is Bradford’s excuse for being the way he is? We know he can be “human,” as we’ve seen him interact with his drug addict ex-wife. So, again, what’s his excuse? What a douche.

Nick Torres, the character played by Wilmer Valderrama on NCIS, for his inability to temper his enthusiasm to “help solve the case” when it’s not his job to solve the case at this time. Yes, Torres wanted to be a part of the main story investigation, but instead he was charged with showing those kids what it’s like to be an NCIS agent. That sucks. However, he was given a job, so he should have just done that job to the best of his ability and moved on. Torres didn’t do that, though. He kept trying to get other people to watch those kids so he could participate in the main investigation. That scheme didn’t work out well for Torres (he ended up getting a stern talking to by Gibbs, which is never a good thing). Torres did “learn his lesson” by the end of the episode, but, much like Briggs on FBI, why didn’t he realize he was being such a douche ahead of time? And even though he “figured it out” by the end of the story, I bet he’ll do the same thing in a different story in the future. That’s just how these TV show characters tend to act.

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