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The 411 Douchebag of the Week: Zachary Madsen, the Bret Hart Attacker

April 9, 2019 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
Bret Hart WWE Hall of Fame Sean Waltman

The 411mania Douchebag of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the latest edition of The 411 Douchebag of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

SuperMarioBrosHammerBros

Before I get into this week’s “regular” Douchebag of the Week, I want to thank reader and commenter “Team J-Rod” for pointing out my massive mistake in the intro to the Super Mario Bros Edition last week. While discussing my former prowess at Contra, I mistakenly referred to “spread” rounds as “split” rounds. I should have caught that, but I also realized that I’ve been calling the spread rounds split rounds since I started playing the game again. It’s just another example of how my overall Nintendo skills have atrophied to the point where I don’t even use the correct terminology anymore. It’s sad and depressing and my old Nintendo nerd self would be incredibly disappointed.

So, again, I want to thank Team J-Rod for pointing out my mistake, and I will try hard not to do something as heinous next time. I mean, what the hell is a “split round” anyway?

And since the Super Mario Bros Edition was so much fun to write, I’ll probably do another NES themed Douchebag of the Week in the future. There are tons of games out there to write about.

And now onto this week’s Douchebag of the Week.

Douchebag

BretHartAttackedWWEHOF2019

This week, the 411 Douchebag of the Week goes to Zachary Madsen, for attacking Bret “The Hitman” Hart at the 2019 WWE Hall of Fame Ceremony. During Hart’s speech for his recent induction into the Hall of Fame as part of The Hart Foundation tag team with Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, Madsen managed to evade security, jump the barricade, and enter the ring so he could tackle Hart and, at the same time, his niece Natalya. Almost instantly, Madsen was besieged by all of the wrestlers standing at ringside and Ronda Rousey’s husband and was beaten mercilessly. Madsen was then carried from the ring by the various wrestlers, taken backstage, arrested and charged with two counts of assault and trespassing.

So why the fuck did Madsen attack Hart, a 61 year old pro wrestling legend, Hall of Famer, cancer and stroke survivor? According to various reports, including this one, Madsen is an amateur MMA fighter and wrestling fan who was apparently upset with women main eventing WrestleMania.

Let me repeat that. Madsen apparently felt the need to attack Bret Hart because Madsen was upset that women were in the main event at WrestleMania.

Is it me, or is that the dumbest fucking thing you’ve ever heard in your entire goddamn life? I mean, if it isn’t the dumbest thing it has to be in the top five, right? Because who in their right fucking mind would physically attack someone, a pro wrestling legend or just some guy or gal on the street, because of a match at a pay-per-view event? And who the fuck would drive from fucking Nebraska to do it?

Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with this guy?

If he didn’t like the main event, Madsen could have complained about it on Twitter or Facebook or YouTube like a normal wrestling fan and then left it at that. He could have vowed not to watch WrestleMania this year, live or on TV (and he could have vowed not to buy the DVD, too). Madsen couldn’t do that, though. Madsen had to do something else.

And it was fucking stupid.

Madsen deserves whatever punishment the law gives him. And he definitely deserved that punch in the face from Dash Wilder. It’s too bad he didn’t get a few more.

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And now for this week’s honorable mentions…

-Failed 2016 Democratic Presidential candidate, current 2020 Democratic Presidential front runner (depending on what poll you look at), and Independent U.S. Senator from Vermont Bernie Sanders, for failing to release his tax returns despite saying he would. For the love of Christ why is this so hard? If you say you’re going to release them, then don’t, then come up with endless excuses for not doing it despite saying you’re going to do it, you’re no better than the guy who claims to have been under audit for years and refuses to release his. You also open yourself to questions of “What is he hiding?” Just release them, Bernie, and let’s move on.

-Fox News hosts Pete Hegseth and Steve Doocy, for their recent commentary on veterans who “apply for too many benefits.” Just go ahead and check out the story at the link and ask yourself what would have happened if anyone on CNN or MSNBC had said something similar. Just imagine it.

World Wrestling Entertainment, or The WWE, for its apparent machinations to keep indy wrestling outfits out of Tampa, Florida in relation to WrestleMania 36. Sure, I get why the WWE wants to be the only wrestling group in the city, but how does the presence of indy groups hurt the WWE in any way? I don’t see how this does anything except make WWE look like greedy shitbags. I know that the WWE wants WrestleMania to be a celebration of the WWE, but the show has become a celebration of pro wrestling as a whole. The WWE should want as many people as possible in town for everything because, shit, it brings potentially even more money to the city. That can only be a good thing. Hopefully the WWE fails in its attempt to keep everyone else out and just accepts that they are pro wrestling, and it’s good for everyone if everyone gets to play.

NASCAR, for having NASCAR Hall of Famer and NASCAR on Fox broadcaster Darrell Waltrip wave the green flag for Bristol’s spring Cup race. Look, I know that DW just announced his retirement from NASCAR broadcasting and it makes sense to have Waltrip wave the green flag during his last official race at Bristol, a track he won quite a few races at ( 12, to be exact). But it’s only a good thing if we don’t have to listen to him say “Boogity! Boogity! Boogity!” as the race starts (in theory, he can’t do that if he’s in the starter’s stand waving the green flag).

We had to listen to him do it. He had a microphone with him in the starter’s stand. And it was just awful.

I really do long for the day when I don’t have to hear “Boogity! Boogity! Boogity!” anymore.

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