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The 411 Dumpster Fire of the Week: Jessica Biel

June 19, 2019 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
Jessica Biel

The 411mania Dumpster Fire of the Week

Hello, everyone, and welcome to The 411 Dumpster Fire of the Week. I’m Bryan Kristopowitz.

Am I the only one annoyed by the “Maid For Us” commercial for Progressive Insurance featuring Flo in a kind of sitcom parody situation? First off, the goddamn thing is on constantly on practically every station. Progressive doesn’t have any other new commercials ready to go to advertise their shit? And second, how does this “sitcom parody” supposed to work, exactly? TV networks don’t even do sitcoms anymore like the ones being parodied, so unless you’re familiar with all sorts of sitcoms from the 1980’s how the hell are you supposed to know what the hell is going on in the commercial?

And when was the last time a sitcom had a “wacky” character in it that sort of came off the street from a different world? The 1990’s and The Nanny?

The weird thing is, though, if “Maid For Us” was an actual real deal sitcom on TV I’d probably watch it. I’d like to see someone try to do that kind of sitcom again in a modern context. Sitcoms aren’t just wacky enough anymore.

And why isn’t Mr. Belvedere on in reruns anymore on like TV Land or something?

I think I better get on with this week’s topics before I start yelling about the lack of DVD boxed sets of Major Dad and Just the Ten of Us. I could probably go on for days about that shit.

And now onto this week’s Dumpster Fire of the Week.



This week, the 411 Dumpster Fire of the Week goes to actress Jessica Biel, for revealing herself to be an anti-vaxxer. This past week, Biel appeared alongside noted anti-vaccine loonbag Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to express opposition against a new bill that’s set to come up in the California state government that would essentially make any and all medical exemptions to vaccinations much, much harder to get. This new bill has apparently enraged the anti-vaccine crowd, and lobbying against the bill by anti-vaccine forces has increased. Biel decided to join in on the lobbying, talking with state lawmakers and getting her picture taken with Kennedy. When word got out that Biel was fraternizing with Kennedy in Sacramento, social media exploded and general negative media attention came down on the 7th Heaven star. Biel attempted to “clarify” her stance on vaccines, claiming that she isn’t against vaccinations but is against families not being able to make “educated decisions” alongside doctors, which is really the same thing as saying “I’m against vaccines because they’re dangerous.”

Oh, sure, Biel claims that the child of one of her friends is in need of a medical exemption and that, if the pending bill passes, it would force that child to get vaccines that could seriously harm him or her, but since the bill still allows for actual, legitimate medical exemptions for vaccines, what the hell is she talking about? Could it be that her friend’s child’s vaccine exemptions are, in essence, pure nonsense and just another example of paranoid, weird beard left wing lunacy? Because that’s exactly what it sounds like.

Vaccines are not dangerous and, no, vaccines are not some massive corporate government conspiracy to damage people and give them autism or peanut allergies or whatever the fuck. I don’t know how many times it has to be pointed out to these anti-vaccine people that the “vaccines cause autism” claims have been thoroughly discredited and that not vaccinating your children will likely cause massive public health issues, like the measles outbreaks currently being experienced in New York and Washington. It also needs to be pointed out to these people that your “educated opinions” or “feelings” regarding the “danger of vaccines” are complete nonsense and no different than the paranoid delusions of people like ultra-right wing psychopath and fellow anti-vaxxer Alex Jones.

Unfortunately, none of those things are likely to happen. As the world in general gets dumber and dumber and continues to see massive, secretive, hidden conspiracies in everything despite all evidence to the contrary, the anti-vaccine crowd will probably grow as more and more people buy into the “it’s about personal autonomy” thing while more and more disease outbreaks appear. More and more people will actually start to believe that vaccines aren’t safe now and that they don’t do anything anyway and the world at large will become a sadder and deadlier place.

Will the California bill pass? Hopefully, yes, but, really, who knows? The anti-vaxxer crowd could very well get just enough people in the California state government to believe the bill is sinister and evil. People are dumb and are willing to believe anything. And don’t be surprised if more celebrities like Biel come out against vaccines and then claim that they’re not really against vaccines. It might end up being the “cool” thing to do at some point in time.

Lunacy, stupidity, and willing ignorance are everywhere. Everywhere.


And now for this week’s honorable mentions…

-Movie director Bryan Singer, for his recent settlement in a case involving an allegation that he raped a 17 year old boy in 2003. Because nothing says “I didn’t do anything” like paying off my accuser and demanding everyone know that by accepting payment it means I didn’t do anything wrong. And how does this play alongside the story that came out this past January of four young men claiming that Singer sexually assaulted them? Is he going to pay off them, too?

-Dumpster Fire Hall of Famer, 2018 Dumpster Fire of the Year, and (Jesus Christ) 45th President of the United States Donald Trump, for his disastrous interview with ABC’s George Stephanopoulos. And why was it disastrous? Because the President admitted, in front of the world, that he would willingly break the law in the 2020 election by accepting “opposition research” from foreign actors, and at the time the President had no idea that what he was admitting to was against the law. After every claim that was made against the President and his 2016 campaign regarding Russia, you would think that he would have any potential question about that kind of claim scouted and a good answer at the ready. The President failed miserably at doing that.

And his attempt at “fixing” his ABC interview was just as disastrous.

I think it would be best for the President if he just stopped doing these kinds of interviews and just stop “communicating” with the public and just let his people do his talking for him. That way this kind of thing doesn’t happen as often.

-Actor Cuba Gooding, Jr., for his ongoing “groping” scandal in New York City. How much weirder is this story going to get? And will more accusers appear and claim that Gooding, Jr. did the same, or more, to them? And what the hell is the deal with those videos that TMZ has? Jesus Christ.

-Now disgraced lawyer and, briefly, persistent cable TV news show guest Michael Avenatti, for his multiple ongoing scandals. Don’t be surprised if even more scandals involving Avenatti appear in the next few months (or, hell, weeks, maybe even days). It sure sounds like he’s a terrible, terrible person, doesn’t it?


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