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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: Bulletproof

May 23, 2018 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #463: Bulletproof

MAYhem: Week 4

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that believes owning a super tank in real life would ultimately turn out to be a giant pain in the ass (where the hell would you park it? What normal person has a driveway big enough for a goddamn tank?), The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number four hundred and sixty-three, MAYhem continues with the Gary Busey action vehicle Bulletproof, which received some sort of theatrical release back in May of 1988.

Bulletproof

Bulletproof, directed by Steve Carver, is a movie that I first heard about via a preview that my local cable company ran in between pay-per-view movies (this was back in the day when pay-per-view was only one channel and ran one movie at a time and, in between movies, the channel would “come on” and you could see previews for what was on that month). I was shocked that Mr. Joshua, the bad guy from Lethal Weapon, was starring in an action movie and was the hero! I wanted to see it immediately but I was never awake/around when it was on. I did find it at one of my local video stores but it always seemed to be rented when I was there. I eventually caught the movie on either The Movie Channel or Cinemax (I think it was Cinemax but it could have been The Movie Channel during one of those free weekend preview things). And it was awesome. I knew it was sort of ridiculous back when I first saw it, but I was too enamored with it to figure out why it was so dang ridiculous. Now, after seeing it again some thirty years later, I can say that Bulletproof is awesome, ridiculous, insane, and, in a way, perfect. It wasn’t made into a franchise because it didn’t make any money, but, man, it should have been made into one. Truly a missed opportunity.

Busey stars as Frank “Bulletproof” McBain, a badass ex-CIA agent turned hard charging scumbum California cop who likes taking down bad guys, blowing stuff up, and not calling for back up. After taking down notorious gun runner Sharkey (the future Machete Danny Trejo) in a wild car/ice cream truck chase in downtown Los Angeles, McBain is coerced back into the agency by his ex-boss Miles Blackburn (R.G. Armstrong) for one more mission. McBain initially wants nothing to do with his ex-boss or the CIA as the agency screwed him over when his partner was killed in a botched deal by a Soviet agent (the immortal William Smith), investigating McBain and claiming that he was at fault for his partner’s death. But then Blackburn assures McBain that his record will be “cleaned up” if he agrees to come back one more time (Blackburn also basically blackmails McBain into coming back. If McBain doesn’t come back, everyone is going to know about what happened to his partner. Everyone.). Why does the CIA need McBain to get back into the spy business?

The Thunderblast tank, a super-secret badass experimental tank, was stolen by terrorists while being transported over the Mexican border for some reason, and the people travelling with the tank, including Captain Devon Shepard (Darlanne Fluegel) and Special Forces operator Sgt. O’Rourke (L.Q. Jones). And the terrorists are an unholy alliance of Latin Communists (led by General Brogado, as played by Rene Enriquez), Islamic Communists (Col. Kartiff, as played by villain extraordinaire Henry Silva), and Soviet Communists (William Smith’s character shows up wearing a furry Commie hat and operating a super Soviet helicopter). If the Thunderblast is taken by the Communists, the balance of power around the world could shift. I don’t really get why the super tank could change the world, but, yeah, it’s probably not a good idea to allow the Communists to have an American super tank.

So McBain heads to the southern border and begins his infiltration of the Commie base, which just so happens to be in the middle of a poor town that has a Catholic church. McBain goes in wearing the same clothes he had on when he went to an abandoned building to find out about the Thunderblast; jeans and a casual button shirt. You’d think he would at least put on some lack fatigues or something, but I guess McBain is just too badass to wear shit like that.

Now, on top of all of that, McBain has a romantic history with Captain Shepard, as they were an item at one point. McBain is sort of eager to see Shepard, although you’d think he’d think of his mega hot girlfriend Tracy (Lydie Denier) before heading to Mexico to rescue an ex-lover. Tracy is so good to him (she agrees to watch his home and truck and whatnot while he’s back with the CIA). But then McBain may be badass enough to somehow juggle two women.

So why does everyone call McBain bulletproof? For one thing, he’s incredibly lucky. Despite constantly running into situations where he’s hopelessly outnumbered and outgunned McBain somehow manages to come out of those situations alive and well. And second, McBain removes his own bullet shrapnel from his body. He actually has a jar in his bathroom filled with 39 pieces and counting. So, yeah, McBain is a supreme badass.

It’s weird how the movie manages to shift from being a cop movie (the whole opening sequence with Danny Trejo is how you open a 1980’s cop movie) to a sort of secret agent/assassin movie. I remember not initially liking the shift since I wanted to see Mr. Joshua e a cop, but then really digging the shift in later viewings. It shouldn’t work, because loose cannon McBain shouldn’t be good at stealing back a tank. He’s a cop, and unless the tank is being stored in an abandoned Los Angeles warehouse, McBain shouldn’t be running off to Mexico to get one. It’s just not done. And yet it works here tremendously.

It can be hard to decipher the tone of Bulletproof. Is it meant to be taken straight up as an action movie, or is meant to be a kind of parody? I think it is meant to be a straight up action flick, which is director Carver’s specialty. But then star Gary Busey is so damn amped up and weird that his presence in the movie makes you question what the hell Carver is really up to. Is he trying to make us laugh, or is he allowing Busey to do whatever he wants and hence the movie is ridiculous? I’m not sure. It really could be either one or both, though. Just watch Busey. He’s having way too much fun to take all of this terrorist stuff seriously.

You also have to look at how the Communist enemies are portrayed. Plenty of movies over the years have featured a united front of America’s “common enemies” before, including the Chuck Norris masterpiece Invasion USA. But are the villains in Bulletproof meant to be taken seriously? Henry Silva’s Col. Kartiff rapes Captain Shepard off screen, a truly heinous act that he eventually pays for. But is Col. Kartiff ever seen as a real threat, or is he just a caricature? Again, I think you can look at the movie both ways and you wouldn’t be wrong.

The action is top notch and generally exciting throughout. We get gun battles, hand-to-hand brawls, car chases, and multiple explosions. Those elements usually make for a great time at the movies, and Bulletproof has them in abundance. The opening car chase is a thing of true beauty. And check out the eventual tank assault that appears towards the end of the movie. That’s how you do a tank attack sequence. I would like to know what the deal is with Soviet bad guys and giant attack helicopters. Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rambo III, and Red Scorpion all had them. And Braddock: Missing in Action III had one, too, although that was a Commie attack chopper from Vietnam. Why didn’t America/the West try to counter that? I mean, yeah, we had Airwolf, but that was on TV, and Blue Thunder, but that was more of a police chopper deal. A real missed opportunity.

The flick’s performances are all exceptional. Gary Busey is a hoot as McBain. He’s so amped up in every scene you can’t take your eyes off him, and yet he gives McBain a sort of quiet humanity that makes him come off as a real person (well, you know, when he isn’t going bat shit). He also has the prerequisite scumbum cop accessories: he drives a giant truck for no reason whatsoever, he has a gigantic handgun in his glove compartment, and his house is wicked swanky. He also has a girlfriend who is really into him but he isn’t as invested in the relationship as he should be. I’m amazed that Busey’s performance didn’t lead to more McBain adventures. The moviemakers could have gone anywhere with potential sequels. And don’t be surprised if you end up saying “butthorn” over and over again. It’s McBain’s favorite verbal attack and it never gets old.

Darlanne Fluegel is interesting as Captain Shepard. She takes absolutely no shit from anyone and is always in the mood for a confrontation. She has a fascinating chemistry with Busey and, despite their obvious antagonism, you can easily see them as a couple.

Henry Silva, once again playing a villain, is despicable as Col. Kartiff. He’s religious and a Communist, he’s a sadistic piece of shit rapist, and he’s also fascinated by women who fight back. Silva has done this kind of character a million times but he’s also a pro and he makes Kartiff watchable. I think you’ll dig the way he gets his comeuppance at the end of the movie.

William Smith is also pretty brutal as the Soviet agent, the Major. He doesn’t really do much until the middle part of the movie, but when he’s on he brings on the sleaze. It’s too bad he didn’t have Cary- Hiroyuki Tagawa at his side throughout the movie, as they make for a good bad guy team (we only see Tagawa in the one flashback sequence).

The great Thalmus Rasulala shows up at the beginning of the movie as McBain’s cop partner Billy. You’ve never seen a man drink Pepto Bismol quite like Thalmus. And can you blame him? Look at the shit McBain puts him through. I’m shocked the guy didn’t use valium.

The always cool L.Q. Jones isn’t as manly as you expect him to be as Sgt. Rourke. He’s Special Forces, but he isn’t as full on badass as he was in Steve Carver’s Lone Wolf McQuade. R.G. Armstrong was also in Lone Wolf McQuade and played a similar sleazebag type authority figure. And Jorge Cervera Jr. was also in Lone Wolf McQuade as a sleazebag cattle rustler. Here he plays a good guy, McBain’s local contact south of the border. He does a good job.

And Juan Fernandez, the future Collector villain from The Collector, is a henchman named Pantaro that the audience will absolutely despise. From the look on his face to his mini Uzi with the scope on it, you just can’t stand him. It takes a special kind of actor to be that terrible.

I love Bulletproof. It’s both a top notch late 1980’s action flick and a kind of parody of that kind of movie. Gary Busey should have had a franchise with the McBain character. The world really is a lesser place because that didn’t happen. And it’s a disgrace that Bulletproof doesn’t have a better DVD or a Blu-ray. It certainly deserves it as the movie also deserves a wider audience. Bulletproof is awesome.

See Bulletproof. See it, see it, goddamn see it.

So what do we have here?

Dead bodies: 40+

Explosions: Multiple, big and small and massive.

Nudity?: Yes.

Doobage: An awesome 1980’s opening theme, a police stakeout, failed cigarette flicking, a bulletproof vest, a big ass glove compartment gun, RPG attack, machine gun attack, an awesome car chase, shooting at a moving vehicle from a moving vehicle, more machine gun hooey, multiple grenade tosses, exploding ice cream truck, oxygen, a big military meeting, a hot naked woman taking a bath, full on graphic bullet fragment removal, mild misogyny, a covert convoy, dead body dragging, dead body removal, flamethrower hooey, a man on fire gag, a flashback to Southeast Asia, a briefcase full of money, a .45 hidden in a clay pot, door shooting, hostage taking, going downtown, face punching, a hidden defense mechanism, a beach flashback, a gas station, an instruction manual, multiple soldier killing scenes, jeep stealing, vodka throwing, a giant goddamn knife, off screen rape, empty gun torture, Uzi hooey, night vision goggle hooey, knife throwing, attempted remote detonation, a giant wooden spool, a pile of grenades on the ground, tank stealing, tank driving, .50 caliber machine gun hooey, exploding jeep, wound fixing, lung stabbing, multiple missile attacks, thump gun hooey, chopper killing, a wicked bullet to the head, and more tank driving.

Kim Richards?: None.

Gratuitous: Gary Busey, Gary Busey playing a cop, Gary Busey pouring tobacco into a guy’s mouth, Gary Busey wearing a bulletproof vest, Pepto Bismol, Danny Trejo, Gary Busey going at it alone, Danny Trejo shooting an RPG, a whiny saxophone on the soundtrack, a stern black boss, Cuban cigars, LQ Jones, watching a film with a film projector, Gary Busey driving a giant truck, a jukebox, after sex talk, Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa, William Smith, Henry Silva, witty banter, hostage killing, Gary Busey playing the saxophone, Catholic smacking, shooting a fat guy, Islamophobia, Gary Busey driving a jeep badly, guys having to pee, shooting at birds with a .50 caliber machine gun, Gary Busey using night vision goggles, Gary Busey going for a ride while attached to a giant spool, a hidden coffee maker, and Gary Busey driving a tank.

Best lines: “Bad dream, Billy?,” “Do you like chocolate or vanilla?,” “Look, partner, you may be bulletproof but I’m just human, okay?,” “Sharkey, you’re going to have a ball with this,” “Now can we call for backup? And spoil all the fun?,” “What the fuck is this? Your worst nightmare, butthorn!,” “McBain? Yeah,” “I think we blew him off! You don’t blow off a dude like McBain!,” “Billy? You can call for backup now,” “Cut the shit, McBain!,” “Well, I guess you had to be there,” “McBain, just between you and me, I like your style,” “God must have made this country on his lunch hour,” “You may be bulletproof but you’re not love proof,” “I was having a nightmare. I guess I still am,” “I told you we should have used Green Berets,” “In my country a woman shows respect,” “What’s this Tonka toy?,” “Your machine seems to have a most unpleasant personality,” “By Allah you will die for this!,” “I despise women like you,” “Welcome to our church. What’s left of it,” “Just what we need. A Bible thumper and a couple of nuns,” “He was a CIA pig. Death was his reward,” “I should have guessed it. You’re giving Thunderblast to the Russians,” “Blasphemy!,” “I love it when a woman fights. Makes the prize all that more enjoyable,” “Go fuck your camel,” “Who are you? I’m the game warden. Bird season is over, butthorn,” “Now we shall see how bulletproof your friend can be,” “So that’s how they got to McBain. Who is this McBain? A man I used to be in love with,” “So this is the infamous Captain Bulletproof? Yeah, so who are you, butthorn?,” “Now back off, colonel asshole,” “You know, you need a little work on your Rs. Otherwise your English ain’t that bad. Cabron!,” “You sonofabitch! How’s my English now, yanqui?,” “Why do they call him bulletproof? Because he’s been lucky until now,” “You know me, I’m a one man suicide squad,’” “He cannot live long in that desert. Your people do, don’t they?,” “See you on the flipside, soldier,” “We make a pretty good team,” “You know, this bulletproof act is getting old,” “Eat this, Igor,” “Good shot, McBain,” “McBain. Do you remember me? How could I forget,” and “Hi. Bring anything back from Mexico? Uh, well, yeah. It’s right behind me.”

Rating: 10.0/10.0

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Things to Watch Out For This Week

–I Kill Giants: Zoe Saldana and Imogen Poots appear in this fantasy flick about a young girl who apparently escapes into some sort of fantasy world because her life is awful. I do believe this movie received a small theatrical release not that long ago, but I’m surprised that it didn’t get a bigger release. My guess is that A Wrinkle in Time, which has a similar looking story (it isn’t the same story but we’re talking about perception here. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that oodles of people think that this movie was made to cash in on A Wrinkle in Time). It looks decent. Definitely worth a rental.

–Soft Matter: Written and directed by Jim Hickox, this is a low budget horror comedy from the fine folks at Wild Eye Releasing. I have no idea if it’s actually funny, but I can say that the trailer has some moodiness to it, and the creature that we briefly see in the trailer (and on the DVD cover) is pretty cool looking. I will, hopefully, have a review for this flick at some point soon. That’s the plan, anyway. It’s 72 minutes long. It’s not like it’s going to take up much of your time.

–Night Zero: This appears to be some sort of low budget sci-fi action horror deal. Something from space crashes into Earth, people start to become infected zombies or something as a result, and then it’s a race against time to figure out what to do next. I got all of that from the trailer. And, yes, we’ve all likely seen that movie a million times before, but I’d bet that most of them don’t look as good as Night Zero. This looks like a definite must see and very rentable.

–Of Unknown Origin: This comes to us from the fine folks at Shout! Factory/Scream Factory and will have a bunch of special features. I’ve never seen this horror flick that stars Peter Weller and was directed by the great George P. Cosmatos, so this home video edition is going to be a wonderful way to finally check it out. It’s a horror flick about a man who has to battle a rat in his New York City apartment for some reason. I could be wrong about this, but I believe that this movie is what got Cosmatos the chance to direct Rambo: First Blood Part II, so it has that history going for it, too. Anyone out there see this? Anyone out there a fan of it?

Blindsided: The Game starring Eric Jacobus available now for free on YouTube!

Check it out! (And check out my review of the movie here)

B-Movie News

–New Jean Claude Van Damme movie Bouncer has a trailer: It isn’t much of a trailer (it’s really just a teaser trailer), but it sure as heck looks like Bouncer, also known as Lukas, is going to be one of those super serious “moody badass” Van Damme movies, and I’m cool with that. The story, according to what I’ve read on imdb and a few other websites, is apparently about a bouncer that has to save/protect his eight year old daughter from bad guys for some reason. Why? I’d imagine we’ll find out soon enough, as the movie is set to hit France in late August. If and when there’s a North American release date (and I can’t imagine why this movie wouldn’t get a North American release) we’ll definitely find out more.

Check out the teaser below. Intrigued?

And Van Damme’s recent collaboration with Dolph Lundgren, Black Water, just received a second trailer ahead of its release this coming Friday on Dish Network. The movie is then set to hit select movie theatres and Video On Demand on June 29th. Definitely want to see this flick.

Who is the Douchebag of the Week? Go here and find out!

Next Issue: MAYhem concludes with Sharknado 5: Global Swarming!

Interviews

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Bulletproof

Gary Busey– Frank McBain
Darlanne Fluegel– Captain Devon Shepard
Henry Silva– Col. Kartiff
Thalmus Rasulala– Billy Dunbar
L.Q. Jones– Sgt. O’Rourke
Rene Enriquez– General Maximiliano Brogado
Mills Watson– Colby
R.G. Armstrong– Miles Blackburn
William Smith– Russian Major
Luke Askew– General Gallo
Lydie Denier– Tracy
Juan Fernandez– Pantaro