Movies & TV / Columns

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: Girls, Guns, and Blood

November 29, 2019 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #533: Girls, Guns, and Blood

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never been part of a slow motion montage, at least I don’t think I have, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number five hundred and thirty-three, I take a look at the mega low budget action comedy Girls, Guns, and Blood, which is available now on Amazon Prime Video.

Girls, Guns, and Blood

Girls, Guns, and Blood, directed by Thegin German and Robert Rowland, is a mega low budget action comedy that never tries to be anything other than a mega low budget action comedy. That’s both a good thing and a bad thing. While the movie delivers on its title (the movie is chock full of hot babes, guns, and a good amount of blood), you do wish that it could have found a way to do more with the resources it had available. Why aren’t there more hot babes? Why aren’t there more guns? And why isn’t there more blood?

Girls, Guns, and Blood stars Rebecca Love as Monique, the boss of a Texas brothel that seems to be a fun place to work if you’re an employee and a fun place to partake in if you’re in the mood to, well, have sex with a female employee at a brothel. Monique has set up a big deal private party for a group of rich, high roller dudes that she’s sure her girls will enjoy (and the fee the group will pay will be a great thing, too). However, the high rollers are not who they seem. Led by the obviously devious Jamie (James W. Evermore, and you can tell Jamie is up to no good by his eyes. It’s all in his eyes), the high rollers are actually a group of thieves and they plan on jacking Monique and her girls for everything they’ve got. At first, Jamie’s men seem like a group of male friends who just want to have a good time, and Monique’s girls are completely unaware of what’s soon to happen. So Jamie’s men disable Monique and Monique’s employees, including bouncer Thumper (Chaz Taylor), and take damn near everything they can grab. When she comes to, Monique grabs a gun and tries to get back what Jamie and his team stole and exact a little revenge. Unfortunately, Monique is unsuccessful and she is shot dead. When Monique’s girls find out/figure out what the hell has happened, they vow to track down Jamie and his team, get back their shit, and kill those scumbags. It’s what Monique would have wanted, and, considering what happened, it’s what Monique’s girls want, too.

That, essentially, is the plot to Girls, Guns, and Blood, at least in the first half of the movie. The second half is the chase, as Monique’s girls, now heavily armed, track down and take out Jamie’s team one by one. The first half of the movie is pretty straight forward, and when the movie is being straight forward it’s at its best. Had the second half, the “chase” half, been just as straight forward, the movie would have no doubt been more successful. But the hunt is hindered by some big twists that work more on paper than in actual practice. The movie shouldn’t have tried to get fancy. It doesn’t need it.

A portion of the “chase” part of the movie sort of resembles the original I Spit on Your Grave, which I thought was a nice homage (you really don’t see many homages to the former Day of the Woman). The homage definitely helps establish, just in case you didn’t realize it, that the movie has a “pro-woman” message. The action isn’t anything spectacular but is generally well done considering the movie’s obvious limited budget. The hand-to-hand fighting stuff comes off better than the gunplay, which is odd since “guns” is in the title of the movie. I will say the “assembling the squad” sequence, where the girls, ready to take care of Jamie’s team, assemble one-by-one outside of the brothel is hilarious and cool. It’s like they’re all posing for a movie poster.

The movie’s nudity is quite exceptional, although, like I said earlier, the movie could have used more of it. There are several segments where the girls dance and sort of strip like they’re in a music video. These segments are fun but I wish they cut better into the movie (sometimes these things just pop in out of nowhere). I was surprised by the movie’s general lack of male nudity. I don’t know if anyone in the audience is going to complain about that (someone might, I don’t know), but considering a portion of the movie takes place in a brothel I thought there would be more “nudity balance.”

The movie’s jokes are hit and miss. Some of them work, some of them are just kind of lame. The actresses are totally committed to the bit, though, so even the lame ones kind of work. The overall enthusiasm of the actresses is infectious and keeps you interested in what they’re doing.

The movie’s performances are all decent enough. The standouts include Rebecca as Monique, the head of the brothel. She may be older than her employees, but she’s just as sexy, and she has a true badass attitude that you will no doubt love. Christine Nguyen is a hoot as Kitty. I think you’ll be surprised by what happens with her. And Cherie DeVille is awesome as Vixen. On the bad guy side, James W. Evermore is a devious prick as Jamie. Even if you didn’t know that he was going to be the story’s bad guy ahead of time you’d suspect him of being a bad guy anyway. Again, and I can’t stress this enough, it’s all in his eyes. His henchmen are all non-descript, which makes sense since Jamie is the brains of the operation.

Now, the movie’s biggest mystery is the presence of Woody Almazan as Kaiser. I have no idea why he’s in the movie, what Kaiser is meant to represent, or really anything about the guy. He has several bizarre scenes that just seem like they’re there to fill out the movie’s running time. You think that there’s going to be some big payoff for Kaiser when he pops in at the end of the movie, but there’s no payoff at all. I mean, if there is a payoff I clearly don’t understand what it is. Almazan’s imdb page says that he’s a martial artist and stunt performer but he doesn’t have that many credits listed. What the heck is going on with this guy?

The last section of the movie, where the big twist happens, does set up the very final scene of the movie, which is funny, but, as I said earlier, the movie would play better if it was more straight forward. The movie doesn’t need a twist to be good. The twist doesn’t kill the movie, but, again, I think the movie would play better if it was a straight forward revenge story.

Even with its issues, Girls, Guns, and Blood is a fine, entertaining, and very watchable mega low budget action comedy. If Robert Rowland and company want to make a sequel (and the ending suggests that they do) I’m all for it. I have no idea what a sequel would be about, but I’m curious to find out what one could be. If you’re a fan of mega low budget B-movie cinema, give Girls, Guns, and Blood a shot. It’s fun and it delivers. You’ll probably want it to deliver more, but what we get is still pretty good. Bring on that sequel! More girls! More guns! More blood! I’m down for it.

See Girls, Guns, and Blood. See it, see it, see it.

So what do we have here?

Dead bodies: Around 13.

Explosions: None.

Nudity?: Yes. Big time.

Doobage: A slow motion opening montage, a woman walking in slow motion while carrying a gun, a shootout, a major league ass kicking, the realization that what we just watched was a flashback, a man getting his ass slapped, bell ringing, a naked woman coming out of a pool in slow motion, assumed underwater fellatio, drunk cousin talk, toenail polishing, talk of putting a guy’s balls in a glass of water and blowing bubbles, a pat down, a slow motion pole dancing montage for some reason, a sex worker line-up, attempted sex party, a brutal brawl, kung fu, night stick hooey, screwdriver stabbing, talk of a potential Cleveland Steamer, roofie hooey, handcuff bondage, more ass slapping, chloroform hooey, attempted double fellatio, a giant cigar that’s actually a dart gun, knockout dart to the ass, night stick to the head, bullet to the chest, an awkward selfie, a very dead truck, a fist fight in a field, multiple weapons, a beating in the woods, clothesline hooey, multiple homages to The Six Million Dollar Man or maybe The Bionic Woman, strangulation while tied to a tree and sort of having sex, an argument, metal trash can to the head, a slow motion Frankensteiner, another bullet to the chest, an impromptu water splashing thing, a guy jerking off in the woods and then rubbing leaves on the front of his jeans, face punching, kick to the balls, neck snap, bullet to the gut, a dead body selfie, black clothing, machine gun hooey, shotgun hooey, a big twist, bullet to the head, and a scene during the end credits that helps set up a potential sequel.

Kim Richards?: None.

Gratuitous: Dick talk, multiple military medals, list of weird sexual fetishes, slow motion jumping out of a truck meant to homage The Six Million Dollar Man or maybe The Bionic Woman, a brothel known as “The Dreams Come True Ranch,” a slow motion pole dancing montage for some reason, attempted sex party, a Taxi Driver parody/homage, a I Spit on Your Grave homage, a flaming metal bar, a big twist, a “Pete’s Van” in the credits.

Best lines: “Was it worth it?,” “So, are you the fella that lost my money?,” “Babe, I’m hungry,” “Do you think you can pick up some tampons when you go get dinner tonight?,” “Did you say triple? Yes I did,” “After this he can take a month off and go to Oklahoma!,” “Ladies, the party has arrived,” “How many rules are there?,” “That’s a mighty big rag for that amount of money?,” “No. She looks like she can read,” “Thumper! Get the fuck out of the line!,” “You want me to do what?,” “Did you say… money?,” “Hey! Don’t get any blood on the money!,” “Fuck the money, man! We need to get the fuck out of here!,” “Now, where the hell did we park?,” “I swear, I’m gonna crucify a motherfucker!,” “Wow, you’re cute,” “I don’t know anything, I was just hired to do a job!,” “I’ve always wanted to see someone fucked to death,” “Oh, we don’t need a gun to take a little pussy like you!,” “Be ready, because I’m about to fist fuck your face!,” “You know, I really like your hair color,” “No man hits me,” “Trix, you know what to do,” “Can we at least put our clothes on?,” “I bet this gets a lot of likes,” “It’s time we break out the big guns,” “Eh, I think I chipped a nail,” “What the fuck are you talking about?,” “Do you know the difference between a lollipop and a sucker? That is a question,” “Hey, can you get the fuck out of my sun?,” and “Where the fuck did you come from? Sequel, bitch!”

Rating: 7.0/10.0

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column The Facebook Page!

Please check out and “like” The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page, which is here.

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page! Yeah!

Things to Watch Out For

–Angel Has Fallen: I actually got to see this third … Has Fallen movie on the big screen, and it was yet another terrific action flick in the Gerard Butler led franchise. Nick Nolte kicked ass in it as Butler’s character’s father, and Danny Huston was quite the piece of shit as the villain. The action set pieces were all well done (the drone attack on the President of the United States played by Morgan Freeman was a highlight), and the explosions looked great (a shockingly good mix of real explosions and CGI ones. That’s hard to pull off). I can’t wait to see this again, and I am stoked about whatever is next in the franchise (it was recently announced that there would be several more movies in the franchise, a TV series, and international versions, too). What the heck is going to Fall next?

–Mary: The great Gary Oldman stars in this new horror flick about a family that buys a boat and then weird shit starts happening. For some reason this seems like an odd movie for Oldman to appear in at this stage of his career (he’s done horror movies before but, at the same time, you’d think this would be a bigger movie because, well, he’s Gary Oldman), but that’s what makes it so intriguing. And I have to say that the trailer is pretty creepy, so the movie has that going for it, too. Definitely want to check this one out.

–The Driver: The great Mark Dacascos stars in this low budget action horror flick where Dacascos plays a father who has to protect his family during some sort of zombie apocalypse. Yes, we’ve seen this kind of movie a million times before, but how many of them have an action star in them the caliber of Mark Dacascos? Exactly. I’m not too keen on the whole “fast moving zombies” thing, but it might actually work here and make sense. And, heck, it’s a new Mark Dacascos movie. Who wouldn’t want to watch that? An absolute must see to be sure.

–The Dwelling: I actually saw this horror flick a few years ago at the Buffalo Dreams Fantastic Film Festival when it was on a double bill with fellow Black Fawn Films production Let Her Out, but back then the movie was known as Bed of the Dead. I thought the movie going to be goofy as it’s about a haunted bed, but it isn’t a comedy (I assume that’s why the movie’s title was changed). It’s a horror movie that will freak you the hell out. Black Fawn Films always does great stuff, and if you’ve never seen any of their movies, this is as good a one to start with as any of them. Great horror movie.

–Robocop: This is the new big hooha special edition Blu-ray from the fine folks at Arrow Video and, based on everything I’ve seen about this Blu-ray, it’s fucking packed. Yes, there are several special features included that have appeared on previous home video releases of this Paul Verhoeven classic, but there are several new ones, too. There are also multiple versions of the movie included, with the theatrical edition, the gorier, unrated director’s cut, and a TV version where the violence and bad language is removed/edited. The original Robocop is a true blue classic, and this new, and I assume we can call it, definitive, home video edition is a must own. Get it for Christmas for the Robocop fanatic in your family/inner circle. You probably have one.

Next Issue: Dudikoff December begins with River of Death!

Check out my Widow’s Point set visit!

Read it here!

Most Recent Interviews

Steve Latshaw
Rick Hurst
Douglas Burke
Jeff Farley
Fred “The Hammer” Williamson
Nico Sentner
Everett Ray Aponte
Max Martini
Tom Huckabee
Jason Kellerman
David Tarleton
Roxy Shih
Jesse V. Johnson
Tamas Nadas (2)
Jesse Thomas Cook
Adam Seybold
Liv Collins
Bryan C. Winn
Jeffrey Combs
Ezra Tsegaye
Alexander Nevsky(4)
Sebastian Wolf
Dana Gould
Janet Varney
Richard Brake
Steven Lambert
Rolfe Kanefsky
Robert Donavan
Lukas Hassel
Jessica Morris
Daniel Roebuck (2)

Follow me on Twitter!

Well, I think that’ll be about it for now. Don’t forget to sign up with disqus if you want to comment on this article and any other 411 article. You know you want to, so just go do it.

B-movies rule. Always remember that.

Girls, Guns, and Blood

Rebecca Love– Monique
Christine Nguyen– Kitty
Britney Amber– Trix
Kleio Valentien– Berretta
Cody Renee Cameron– Angel
Cherie DeVille– Vixen
James W. Evermore– Jamie
Woody Almazan– Kaiser
Kenneth Sevier– Bryan
Bryan Tai Self– Kevin
Kevin Clayton– Paul
Qu Griffin– Johnson
Chaz Taylor– Thumper