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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: Krull

August 15, 2018 | Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz
Krull

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #472: Krull

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never hard to retrieve a mystical super weapon so I could then use it on a demonic monster hell bent on world domination because, really, how often has that kind of thing ever happened in the history of time, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number four hundred and seventy-two, I take a look at the weird beard, somewhat incomprehensible medieval fantasy sci-fi flick Krull, which came out in late July, 1983.

Krull

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Krull, directed by the great Peter Yates, is a movie that I remember watching quite a bit as a kid via cable (HBO, to be exact). It had adventure, a cool hero, a gigantic cyclops, bad guys that shoot lasers, a cool weapon that looked like a giant ninja star; Krull had everything. I also seem to remember going out on Halloween as the cyclops, although I could be misremembering that. I mean, I can’t find any evidence of a Krull kids costume of the cyclops character, but I remember going out one year as a cyclops, and the only reason I did that was because I saw Krull on TV. Because Krull was awesome. It was like Star Wars but, you know, different. And while Krull is still awesome, it isn’t quite as awesome as I remember it. In fact, thirty plus years later, I can say that Krull is a slow moving, incomprehensible hodgepodge of medieval movies, fantasy flicks, and sci-fi flicks, with a little horror movie nastiness thrown in for no reason whatsoever. It’s not quite the classic I remember it being, but at the same time it’s still kind of entertaining. Kind of.

Krull stars Ken Marshall as Colwyn, a warrior prince who becomes king of a unified planet known as Krull after his father and his father-in-law (I have no idea what their names are or who played them) are killed by the Slayers, the soldiers of the super evil alien army led by The Beast. As far as I can tell, The Beast and his army of Slayers travel the galaxy and lay waste to planets and civilizations simply because they can and they’re evil. When The Beast and the Slayers show up and kill a bunch of people they also kidnap Colwyn’s new wife Lyssa (Lysette Anthony), who The Beast intends to marry so he can completely take over Krull. Or something like that.

After the total destruction caused by The Beast and the Slayers, Colwyn is visited by Ynyr, the Old One (Freddie Jones). Ynyr tells Colwyn that with his father’s death, he is now the king (Ynyr gives him a necklace with a design on it) and that he must rescue Lyssa and defeat the Beast. Colwyn won’t be able to take on The Beast and his Slayers alone, though. Instead, Colwyn will have to create an army, or at least a squad, of fighters, to take on The Beast. Where the hell is he going to get people to do that?

But before he can do any of that, first Colwyn must obtain the glave, a sort of mystical, five bladed ninja star thing. Only the king can wield the weapon, and only the king can retrieve from a lava filled cave. So Colwyn and Ynyr engage in some mountain climbing type hooey, find the cave where the glave is kept, and Colwyn gets the weapon. The glave resembles the necklace that Colwyn now wears as king, so he’s got that going for him, too. Now he just needs an army.

And so then some stuff happens, Colwyn and Ynyr venture into the woods and whatnot, and they eventually come upon Torquill (the immortal Alun Armstrong), who leads a band of robbers and fighters (a young Liam Neeson and a thin Robbie Coltrane are a part of Torquill’s group as Kegan and Rhun). After some back and forth between Colwyn and Torquill, Torquill eventually agrees to become part of Colwyn’s army. Torquill’s men aren’t too keen on taking up with Colwyn to fight The Beast because The Beast is, well, The Beast. Rhun is completely against the whole thing. However, Rhun, Kegan, and all the others work for Torquill and they will do whatever he asks.

Colwyn also manages to conjure up a lame ass magician type guy named Ergo (David Battley), a guy who also decides to team up with Colwyn because, basically, he has nothing else to do. At least I think that’s what’s going on here.

So Colwyn has his army, or at least a chunk of the army he’s going to need to confront The Beast and the Slayers. And while all of that is going on, Lyssa is trapped in The Beast’s Dark Fortress, a massive, sort of surreal structure that never stays in the same place for very long and, once you go in, you can never leave. Well, you can leave if you can defeat The Beast, but Lyssa isn’t going to do that. She has the will to do it, but she doesn’t have the skills to beat back the bad guy. She will have to wait for Colwyn or, really, anyone, to get her out.

So then some more stuff happens, Colwyn’s army fights some Slayers every so often, they meet up with the Cyclops (Bernard Bresslaw), the last of a race of beings that can actually see their own death days, a seer is killed right under Colwyn’s nose, and Ynyr has to go see the Widow of the Web (Francesca Annis) and fight a giant spider so he can obtain the location of the Dark Fortress. And once that is achieved, it’s all about getting to the Dark Fortress and fighting The Beast.

I’ll admit, until deciding to review Krull I hadn’t seen it, in full, in years. I don’t remember it being so dang slow, but, man, it’s slow. It has absolutely no problem taking its sweet ass time getting to where it wants to go. The fight scenes also aren’t as spectacular as they perhaps should be. It doesn’t matter what kind of fight scene it is, either a one-on-one deal or some kind of group attack, it’s all a big mess. That isn’t to say there isn’t a certain charm to what’s going on, but when you consider that Return of the Jedi also came out in 1983, why the hell did the people behind Krull think they could get away with making a movie that moves, at best, at Jedi half-speed? It just boggles the mind.

It also boggles the mind that the mega accomplished Peter Yates, the man who gave us the macho cool Bullitt with Steve McQueen, made Krull, too. There are moments where it seems like Yates has absolutely no idea what he’s doing, has no idea how to stage a scene, but because he had to get something on film he just threw something together. It isn’t quite a disaster, but it’s also not what you would call good, either. So why the hell was he picked to direct this fantasy sci-fi thing? I don’t get it.

I also don’t get the various sets, either. Some of them look quite good, but there are others that look like giant pieces of hard foam rubber or wood that was just sanded right before the production shot a scene. Did Yates want so many artificial sets because he figured he could control the movie’s special effects in an artificial environment as opposed to a real location? Again, some of them look good, and others look ridiculous.

And then there are the Slayers. What the hell is the deal with them? Why do they all spit out a bloody worm thing when they die? And what happens to those worms after they go into the ground? Do they sort of become another Slayer after a certain period of time?

The Beast looks pretty good, although it would have been better if The Beast had a human form that Colwyn could eventually fight, “Darth Vader-Luke Skywalker” style. Instead, The Beast is this massive form that just sort exists inside the Dark Fortress. Is he terrifying? Yes. The look, the voice, it’s all scary. But why is he so damn big and why can’t he be small enough so he can go one-on-one with Colwyn?

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Ken Marshall is quite good as the hero Colwyn. He has the look and the swagger needed to be a valiant hero. Yates doesn’t do him any favors in some of the fight scenes (Marshall is just flailing around in some of them) but he has the necessary charisma to make you think he’s deadlier than he actually is. And, yeah, he looks awesome using the glave and shooting fire out of his hand. Does the fire thing make any sense? Not really, but by that point in the movie it doesn’t really matter. Marshall makes it work. I know that Krull wasn’t a box office hit, but why the heck didn’t Marshall get more action/fantasy work afterwards?

Lysette Anthony does an okay job as Lyssa, Colwyn’s queen/princess/wife/whatever. She doesn’t have much to do beyond wander around the Dark Fortress, but what she does do she does well. Francesca Annis gives a truly weird performance as the Widow of the Web. She has a haunting presence when we do see her, and her voice is oddly soothing.

Freddie Jones, as Ynyr the Old One, is basically doing Obi-wan Kenobi without the sword fighting skills. He’s crotchety but knowledgeable and has absolutely no problem sacrificing himself for the greater good. He also isn’t afraid to fight a giant spider, something you always have to respect. I mean, would you fight a giant spider? Exactly.

Alun Armstrong is his usual awesome self as thief leader Torquill. No matter how bad the situation is about to get he has a devilish grin on his face. The man is also just naturally funny. The man is a worldwide treasure.

As soon as you see Liam Neeson you can tell that he has a certain star quality about him. As for Robbie Coltrane? Dude, I didn’t even know it was him until I heard him speak, and even then I wasn’t entirely sure it was him. Coltrane does a great job, as usual, but, still, I just didn’t recognize him.

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And then there’s Bernard Bresslaw as the Cyclops. This character is so damn cool. He’s huge, he’s charismatic, and he has one eye (and the special effect used to make him a cyclops is fabulous). He’s a character you will remember when the movie is over. However, the movie botches his final scene. I mean, he stays behind at one point because he sees his death coming, but then he shows up to save the day when needed. And then he gets crushed via a rock door. What the hell? Didn’t he deserve a much more important death? Or, really, why did he have to die at all? He could have been the face of the movie along with the glave. A true missed opportunity.

Now, I know it sounds like I’m being extremely negative here, that I don’t really like Krull. That would be wrong. There are things that now annoy me about the movie. I can see all of those things now. However, the movie still has a certain charm that’s infectious. It isn’t one of those “the movie is so bad it’s good” kind of things, though. Krull isn’t schlocky. It has all sorts of potential. It just doesn’t really work the way it should. It’s still entertaining, though. You can watch it again and again. And now that I’ve seen it again after so long, maybe my opinion of Krull will eventually go back to the way it was.

Maybe. It used to be awesome. Now it’s just, sometimes, pretty good. Sometimes.

See Krull. It’s not great, but it has enough charm to it to make it watchable. It’s slow as hell and badly directed, but, again, it’s still watchable.

So what do we have here?

Dead bodies: It’s gotta be over 30.

Explosions: A few.

Nudity?: None.

Doobage: A really long Columbia Pictures opening logo scene, the glave through space, spaceship hooey, crashing, horse riding, kissing, a merger, attempted marriage, a giant brawl, wall climbing without ropes, laser hooey, sword fighting hooey, a bloody worm thing, a massive fire, a necklace, mountain climbing, lava, a constantly moving bad guy compound, wound fixing, meteor hooey, double axe throwing, attempted robbery, spear throwing, a hidden mirage entrance to a cave, very small stools, sausage eating, a big spinning emerald, spear to the chest, more sword fighting hooey, whip hooey, quicksand hooey, dead body in the quicksand, magic tricks, attempted seduction, a giant stop motion spider, horse stealing, multiple flying horses, death by giant rock door, one of the least impressive rolls out of danger in movie history, a perilous bridge, a tiger, head smashing, a magical wall, total ceiling destruction, exploding rock dome thing, a room full of brutal spike things, glave hooey, flamethrower hand powers, exploding fortress, and an actual location shoot somewhere.

Kim Richards?: Attempted, in a way.

Gratuitous: A voice talking about an alliance while people ride horses, rope swinging, mountain climbing, bullshit about a gooseberry pie, guy who transforms himself into a goose, double axe-throwing, Liam Neeson, Robbie Coltrane, Alun Armstrong, talk of freedom and fame, Robbie Coltrane with a mustache, a cyclops, quicksand, a human chain used to get someone out of quicksand, an hour glass, a sad personal story, obvious back projection while people ride giant horses, another sad as hell funeral, the floor is filled with blood and gore for some reason, a forest that destroys itself, and an ending that’s… confusing.

Best lines: “I didn’t chose this marriage,” “My father says good fighters make bad husbands,” “Arm yourselves!,” “Lyssa! She’s alive,” “There is no time now for grief,” “A king to find a king. I find a boy instead,” “You will need more than men and swords. You will need the power of the glave,” “Don’t worry. If it’s there I’ll come back with it. If you don’t come back with it you won’t come back at all,” “You have been brought here for a marriage,” “Do not use it until you need it,” “There are kingly virtues other than courage. Courtesy is one of them!,” “You can’t escape me. You will be my queen,” “You are not great chooser of road, old man,” “You are surrounded by a hundred men. A hundred is not enough,” “Can’t a man talk to himself without being interrupted?,” “Mad! They’re all mad!,” “We seek the Black Fortress!,” “But they were emeralds!,” “Rocks in our pockets and gravestones above our heads is all we’ll get out of this journey,” “That’s the second time you’ve saved my life!,” “The Beast has many weapons. This was one of them,” “I still say it was a foolish wish,” “Look, Petal, faithful is my middle name,” “I don’t want your power,” “I can’t accept comfort when she has none,” “I seek the Widow!,” “How could I have left you?,” “What you ask is beyond my power,” “At sunrise the Dark Fortress will appear in the Iron Desert!,” “Why doesn’t he come with is? It’s his time to die,” “Each to his fate,” “We must get inside before the twin suns rise!,” “I was wrong. The journey was worthwhile. Finish it,” “Follow him!,” “My travelling days are over, my friend,” and “You are his queen? Yes. Then we’ve won!”

Rating: 6.0/10.0

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Things to Watch Out For This Week

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Avengers: Infinity War: This culmination of the Marvel Cinematic Universe up until this point came out this past May, shattered box office records all over the world and both thrilled audiences and, at the same time, depressed the hell out of them. I swear, I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many people leave a movie theatre in shock at what they just saw. I knew what was coming and I was still taken back a bit by what happened. Now, I know that what happens will have to be “undone” somehow because there are still tons of movies to be made, but, still, that ending is likely to mess with you. Thanos sure is a real sonofabitch, isn’t he?

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Return of the Living Dead: Part II: The fine folks at Shout! Factory/Scream Factory are behind this new Blu-ray of the unjustly maligned zombie comedy sequel and, man, it looks like it’s loaded with special features. The DVD that was released by Warner Bros back in 2005 has a nifty commentary track on it, but this new Blu-ray has that commentary plus two other commentary tracks, interviews, and featurettes galore (check out the full list here). I’m a big fan of this sequel, and this Blu-ray looks to be an absolute must own for horror nerds of all stripes. Scream Factory rarely fails on its home video releases, and this edition just looks amazing. Again, a definite must own.

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The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time: This is the final Sharknado flick, at least as far as we know, and it’s set to premiere on the Sci-Fi Channel this Sunday night. No one knew the whole Sharknado thing would even be a thing when the first one came out in 2013. It was just some low budget horror comedy thing from The Asylum and Sci Fi. Now, with its sixth movie, its fifth sequel, set to air, I think it’s safe to say that it probably doesn’t matter if this next one is any good or works. The franchise actually became a franchise, and that alone is amazing. I will, of course, see it and do a review for it at some point, either as a TG-BMC special edition that will appear “soon” or as something I’ll get to eventually.

So what will be the next low budget “thing?” Will we even get another low budget “thing?”

Who plans on watching Sharknado 6 instead of Summerslam? Anyone? Anyone at all?

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B-Movie News

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Craig Sheffer starring in new horror flick Widow’s Point!: Craig Sheffer, known the world over by horror nerds for his starring role in Clive Barker’s Nightbreed and, to a lesser extent, by modern day action nerds for his role in the Steven Seagal vehicle Code of Honor, is starring in the currently filming horror flick Widow’s Point, directed by Gregory Lamberson and based on a novel by Richard Chizmar and Billy Chizmar. By my estimation, Sheffer hasn’t been involved in a horror movie since 2013’s Battledogs, and before that his last horror thing was, I guess, Dracula II: The Ascension, so this should be a cool sort of “homecoming” for him. And it looks like this project is a little different for Lamberson, the man behind the Slime City movies and the supremely awesome Killer Rack, as Widow’s Point sounds like more of a straight up horror thriller thing than a horror comedy. Will it work? Will it be interesting and scary and whatnot?

Well, I’ll guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I certainly intend to keep everyone aware and up to date on what the heck is going on with the movie.

And, don’t be surprised if a review for Code of Honor shows up in this column in a few weeks. It’s a low budget action flick that is just too weird not to talk about and, after recently seeing it, yeah, I need to talk about it.

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Go ahead, check out the trailer and tell me that it doesn’t look awesome.

See? It’s impossible.

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Who is the Douchebag of the Week? Go here and find out!

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Next Issue: Code of Honor!

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Well, I think that’ll be about it for now. Don’t forget to sign up with disqus if you want to comment on this article and any other 411 article. You know you want to, so just go do it.

B-movies rule. Always remember that.

Krull

Ken Marshall– Colwyn
Lysette Anthony– Lyssa
Freddie Jones– Ynyr
Francesca Annis– Widow of the Web
Alun Armstrong– Torquill
David Battley– Ergo
Bernard Bresslaw– Cyclops
Liam Neeson– Kegan
John Welsh– Seer
Robbie Coltrane– Rhun

Directed by Peter Yates
Screenplay by Stanford Sherman

Distributed by Columbia Pictures Corporation, Columbia TrisStar Home Entertainment, Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, and Mill Creek Entertainment

Rated PG for fantasy violence and peril
Runtime– 121 minutes

Buy it here