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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: The Green Slime
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #470: The Green Slime
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that would never want to go to a space station orbiting Earth because, let’s face it, nothing good ever happens on a space station (unless the movies have been exaggerating the danger inherent in space stations, which could be the case but then why would the movies lie to me like that?), The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number four hundred and seventy, I take a look at the sci-fi action sort of horror flick The Green Slime, which hit movie screens way back in 1968.
Now, before I get into the actual review, I just want you all to know that I’m reviewing the 90 minute American version of the movie. There is, as I understand it, a shorter Japanese version of the movie out there. One of these days I think I would like to check out that version, just to see what was cut out and what sort of movie those cuts create. Anyone out there familiar with the Japanese version of The Green Slime?
The Green Slime
The Green Slime, directed by Kinji Fukasaku, is a movie that’s somewhat notorious in “bad” B-movie circles. Loosely related to a series of low budget Italian sci-fi flicks from the 1960’s (The Wild, Wild Planet, The War of the Planets, War Between the Planets, and Snow Devils), it came out in the wake of Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey and was quickly trashed by critics for being hokey and cheesy. Those critics aren’t necessarily wrong, as The Green Slime isn’t a technical masterpiece filled with state-of-the-art special effects. Instead, it’s a movie with cheap looking miniatures, man-in-suit monsters, and some of the lamest looking laser effects in movie history. It’s also a movie just brimming with personality and a sense of fun, something that 2001 clearly doesn’t have. The Green Slime is a movie that you can watch again and again and never get tired of it. Now, I never heard of the movie until I read an article about it in the now sadly out of business Video Watchdog magazine. It’s been available via the Warner Archive for a few years now, but I recently saw it, by chance, on Turner Classic Movies. The airing didn’t get a Ben Mankiewicz intro or outro, which is a shame because it’s a movie that deserves to be seen. It’s just a damn fun movie.
The Green Slime stars Robert Horton as Commander Jack Rankin, a badass space commander/astronaut who is brought back into the space service (Rankin is either retired, set to retire, or about to go do something else. I’m not really sure. All I know is he isn’t technically in the space service anymore) in order to take out a recently discovered asteroid called Flora that’s set to hit and destroy Earth. At first, it seems as though Rankin isn’t too keen on going back to space, but then his general, Jonathan B. Thompson (Bud Widom) asks Rankin to “volunteer,” Rankin can’t say no. Plus, Rankin doesn’t want to see the Earth obliterated, and Rankin is one of the best asteroid killers in the space service. So Rankin heads up to the Gamma 3 space station to coordinate with the crew that will be joining him and save the Earth. When Rankin gets to the Gamma 3 he meets up with the space station’s commander, Vince Elliott (Richard Jaeckel), an old friend and sort of partner from back in the day. Also onboard the Gamma 3 is Dr. Lisa Benson (Luciana Paluzzi), Elliott’s current fiancé and Rankin’s old girlfriend.
Now, as soon as Rankin arrives on the Gamma 3 there’s a real sense of tension between Rankin and Elliott, as they’re no longer friends. Rankin doesn’t believe that Elliott has what it takes to be a real deal commander and Elliott thinks that Rankin is just an uncaring asshole. At the same time, Rankin and Elliott try to co-exist and follow their orders; Rankin is now in charge of the Gamma 3 and the Flora takedown, and Elliott is there to make Rankin’s mission as easy as possible. In fact, Elliott wants to go with Rankin to the Flora asteroid and help his old buddy destroy it. Rankin, amazingly, agrees to that idea. And so Rankin, Elliott, and the asteroid killing team head out to the Flora to destroy it.
The Flora is a weird ass place, an asteroid that sort of looks like a planet. It has gravity, an atmosphere, and a seemingly endless terrain of red rocks and dirt. Rankin and Elliott head out onto the asteroid surface and start planting bombs deep into the ground, and while they’re doing that chief scientist Dr. Hans Halvorsen (Ted Gunther) goes exploring. It doesn’t take long for Halverson to find something very strange in the red rocks; a green liquid that looks like, well, slime. Halvorsen takes a sample of the slime and asks if he can take it with him on the ride back to the Gamma 3. Rankin tells the scientist no, that they’re only there to blow the asteroid up, a response that pisses Halvorsen off. This slime is an unprecedented find and needs to be examined. Rankin basically tells Halvorsen to fuck off and throws the slime sample away. The asteroid not destroying the Earth is the most important thing. Nothing else matters.
So Rankin and Elliott complete the bomb part of the Flora mission and head back to the Gamma 3. The bombs work and the Flora explodes into billions of tiny space particles. Earth is saved. It’s time to celebrate. And that’s what Rankin, Elliott, Lisa, and just about everyone else on the Gamma 3 does. Celebrates. However, one of the station’s technical crew discovers something very strange while decontaminating the asteroid killing team’s gear.
The team brought back some slime. It was an accident, sure, but it happened. But the slime doesn’t look like it did when Dr. Halvorsen found it on the Flora. Instead of the slime being, well, slime, it’s grown and transformed into a bipedal sort of humanoid thing with tentacles and one giant red eye. The slime monster kills two technicians before Rankin and Elliott stop partying and go after it. Unfortunately for everyone on the Gamma 3, the slime monster isn’t the kind of weird beard creature that you can just shoot with a laser gun and it dies and it’s all over. No, the slime monster can reproduce asexually via its green blood and it grows stronger via exposure to electricity and power in general. And that’s exactly what the slime monster does. It doesn’t take long for the Gamma 3 to be overrun by an army of slime monsters and for Rankin and Elliott to come up with a plan to kill the alien creatures and save everyone onboard.
The remainder of The Green Slime plays out pretty much how you expect it to, except for the very end. Rankin and Elliott do, eventually, figure out how to destroy the slime monster menace, and the story ends with an actual sense of accomplishment. There’s no final stinger to set up a sequel, no final moment where you get the sense that a battle has been won but the war isn’t over. How often do you see that kind of thing nowadays? How many modern sci-fi or horror movies just end because the story is over? I can’t remember the last one I saw that just ended. I think it’s also surprising that not everyone makes it out of the final slime monster battle alive. What the movie does makes sense, but at the same time you don’t expect to see it happen, especially with the way the story’s main hero is portrayed. I actually expected something a little more cynical than what we get.
Rankin isn’t portrayed as a virtuous, always right, square jawed hero that everyone is meant to look up to. Rankin is, as Elliott feels, a real asshole, a real goddamn prick. Yes, he is very good at leading men and destroying gigantic rogue asteroids, but when he isn’t doing those things he walks around acting like everyone should bow down before him because he’s Jack fucking Rankin. Outside of the professional trappings of his job, you don’t get the sense that Rankin has much of a rapport with his men outside of his military rank. Rankin used to be with Lisa and, sure, they have an undeniable sexual chemistry, but he also treats her like an idiot. She’s still attracted to him in some way, but they could never be a real couple. She can only take his shit for so long before she wants out.
The relationship between Rankin and Elliott is weird because the tone between them can change at the drop of a hat. One moment they’re men on a mission and doing everything it takes to get the job done, and the next they’re at eachother’s throats and seconds from engaging in a fist fight. And there’s no rhyme or reason to the sudden shifts in tone, it just happens. You’d think they would wait for the dangerous stuff to die down for a moment before arguing or fist fighting. You know, duty and honor and completing the mission and all that. Nope. None of that matters. Rankin is such a douchebag that even in the middle of fighting an army of electrified alien mutant slime monsters his old pal wants to beat the crap out of him.
The technology on display in this future world is pretty cool looking. In retrospect, it’s all ridiculous as hell, as there are no computers, digital technology, etc., and everything has a very 1960’s cheesy sci-fi TV show vibe to it. None of it could possibly work in “real life.” But then there’s a real consistency to it all throughout the movie. It all fits and nothing seems out of place, so it isn’t as ridiculous as it could be. There’s also a real warmth to everything we see, which gives the movie a vibrancy that a strict adherence to reality likely wouldn’t produce.
And then there are the miniature special effects. They’re fabulous. Yes, they’re obviously miniatures and look cheap as hell (the Gamma 3 space station looks like a model held up by strings) but they end up having way more personality than lifeless modern CGI effects. My favorite miniature is the rover that the asteroid killing team drives out of the landing craft. There’s a nifty switch between a miniature shot of the rover with miniature men in space suits on it to a live action shot of the same thing life size. I love that kind of thing.
The slime monsters are just men in costumes with flailing tentacles. They really don’t do anything except advance on their prey and, occasionally, fall over and bleed so they can reproduce, and consume electricity and power. They do look cheesy as hell. They’re also, in a way, absolutely terrifying. They don’t stop coming after you, they don’t quit, and they’re goddamn tentacles are always flailing around. And when you realize that you can’t really kill them until you blow up the space station, it suddenly doesn’t matter how cheesy they look. They’re alien mutant slime monsters and they’re coming to fucking kill you. I love that kind of thing, too.
The performances are all excellent. Robert Horton is the ultimate douchebag hero as Commander Jack Rankin. He’s completely full of himself and a gigantic prick, but he can also get the job done and he really is an expert at blowing up rogue asteroids. He could learn to play better with old friends and old girlfriends, but then that probably isn’t his style (you know, learning shit and personal growth). I’m surprised that Horton didn’t do more low budget sci-fi when he was alive. He was good at it and you can see him playing this kind of character multiple times and excelling at it. A true missed opportunity.
Richard Jaeckel does a great job as Commander Vince Elliott, the Gamma 3 leader who is trying to just get through it all so he can marry his fiancé Dr. Lisa Benson. He still has real issues with old friend Rankin, but he tries to keep those issues in the background while dealing with the asteroid crisis and the killer slime crisis. He isn’t very successful at either of those things (fucking Rankin) but at least he’s out there trying. It’s a damn shame what happens to him at the end.
The absolutely stunning Luciana Paluzzi is amazing as Dr. Lisa Benson. She’s both sweet and tough minded and it’s wonderful how she only wants the best for her patients. Rankin is her weakness (I don’t get what the hell she even sees in the guy, especially after knowing how he acts and what a prick he is) but we can all forgive her for that weakness. You know, things happen and people have feelings they don’t understand. It’s okay. I will also say that Paluzzi knows how to wear a short skirt with the best of them and if more doctors looked like her, well, I think all flaming heterosexual men and lesbians and all others into hot women would fight one another to be around her. You can see what the Thunderball people saw in her when they made her that movie’s Bond girl. Goddamn.
Bud Widom does a fine job as General Jonathan B. Thompson. Thompson is a sort of a classic, grizzled old guy leader that you could see in a war movie or a cop movie or something like that. He doesn’t do anything particularly special with the part but he does it well and, hell, sometimes that’s all you need to do.
And then there’s Ted Gunther as Dr. Hans Halvorsen. How you end up feeling about his character will likely depend on how you see his “we have discovered alien life and we need to preserve it” viewpoint. Is it a good thing that just got out of hand due to bad luck, or is Halvorsen an idiot for not seeing how dangerous it is to fuck around with alien life? I sympathize with the guy, but at the same time I know how this whole “we just discovered alien life” thing tends to work out in movies. It may be best to just leave alien shit alone, you know? Halvorsen has a great death scene. His last scene would make for a cool poster or T-shirt.
What the heck does UNSC mean? The movie never really says what those initials mean. Could it be United Nations Space Command? Anyone out there know?
The Green Slime is a great movie. It may be cheesy and weird and chock full of cheap looking special effects, but it has plenty of heart and personality, which is why it’s so damn entertaining. You’re probably not going to be blow away by it, but if you give it a chance and accept it on its own terms I think you’ll enjoy it. I loved it. Hopefully, one day, Shout! Factory gets the chance to put out a special edition Blu-ray with some special features on it. I’d love to know more about its production and its place in the world of low budget sci-fi horror. Maybe one day?
See The Green Slime. See it, see it, see it!
So what do we have here?
Dead bodies: Lots, both human and alien mutant slime monster.
Explosions: Several.
Nudity?: None.
Doobage: Weather info, electronic interference, getting a team together to kill an asteroid, space travel that’s no big deal, great miniature special effects, explosive planting, pulsing slime all over the place, glass breaking, G-force hooey, an unexpected arm wound, cheering, multiple spontaneous arguments, arm wound fixing, a brief dance montage, decontamination room hooey, tentacle attack, golf cart hooey, power eating, laser attack, guy falling over a railing and hitting the ground, floor samples, slime zit popping, helmet throwing, climbing slime, ooze city, multiple total freak outs, a big plan, flashlight hooey, wall breaking, a golf cart melee a very dead scientist, exploding space station, a brief fist fight, jet pack hooey, barrel attack, more jet pack hooey, a full frontal attack, more exploding space station, and the highest posthumous military commendations.
Kim Richards?: None.
Gratuitous: Obvious miniature special effects, groovy rock and roll opening theme, a military general complaining about being fat, thumbs up, easy as hell space travel, paper space charts, a red asteroid, a news media cover-up, a champagne celebration with swinging 1960’s music and dancing, men in suit monsters, laser hooey, spot lights, multiple jump and rolls, people working as a team, an escape hatch that won’t goddamn open, people flying in space, and the highest posthumous military commendations.
Best lines: “Here are the latest reports. Eh, same old garbage. Nothing exciting ever happens around here,” “I’m getting a lot of abnormal interference,” “A collision course with Earth!,” “What’s Rankin doing here?,” “Flora! That’s a class 2 asteroid!,” “What the hell are they waiting for? They’ve only been there five minutes!,” “Come on, lads! Move faster! Move faster!,” “Let’s go, sergeant, we’ll have to abandon the equipment,” “I said increase the speed!,” “Lisa, you shouldn’t be in here, we haven’t been through decontamination,” “I suggest you bone up on your regulations,” “Commander, may I dance with your fiancé?,” “Look at this!,” “He’s been electrocuted! Just like Michaels!,” “Get the door, Vince,” “My God, it can heal itself!,” “It’s almost impossible to believe!,” “Quarantine? Who the hell does he think he is?,” “How’s the hand?,” “Well, at least we’ll have this mess contained to one area. If it works,” “Here we go, men,” “Easy, men. It’s working,” “Vince! Get away from that panel! That’s an order, Vince,” “It’s your move, Commander,” “There’s been an explosion on Gamma 3!,” “That’s Commander Elliott!,” “Jack! Behind you!,” “Please, don’t go. I’ll be back,” and “You never could take orders. Everybody’s got his weakness, right?”
Rating: 10.0 /10.0
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Things to Watch Out For This Week
–Rampage: This has actually been out a few weeks now but I forgot to mention it when it did come out. I missed this in the theatre, which is a shame because it looked pretty good. The Rock fighting giant monsters in a video game adaptation, what could go wrong with that? As far as I can tell the movie wasn’t a giant hit, it did okay but it wasn’t anything special. That seems to be a theme with The Rock this summer, as Skyscraper isn’t doing all that great at the moment. Anyone out there see this? Is it any good? Is it, at least, entertaining?
–Piranha II: The Spawning: This Blu-ray comes to us from the fine folks at Shout! Factory/Scream Factory, although it doesn’t look like we’re getting anything on it in terms of special features, which is a shame. You’d think, with this flick’s checkered past, that a documentary would be on this Blu-ray talking about how James Cameron ended up in the director’s chair and how it was a miserable experience for him and damn near everyone involved. I mean, that’s why we have Blu-ray discs, isn’t it? For stuff like that? You know it. Anyway, if you’re a fan of the movie this Blu-ray will be worth picking up. Scream Factory always does a good job.
–Eruption LA: This is some sort of low budget disaster movie, a sort of riff on Volcano and Dante’s Peak, with volcanoes popping up where you least expect them to. I’m surprised that we haven’t had more movies like this one in the low budget disaster movie genre, as there are major cities out there just waiting to be destroyed by weird as hell natural disasters. Why isn’t there a movie called Chicago Volcano? Why the hell does it have to make sense?
–Another Soul: Low budget demon possession movies seem to be about as common as low budget zombie flicks these days. I’m not entirely sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it depends on how you feel about demon possession movies in general. I wouldn’t mind renting this, just to see how it works itself out. It has a nice look to it, and, heck, at 78 minutes, you can’t go wrong with that runtime. Who doesn’t have 80 minutes to waste every week?
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Did you check out Cult TV?
The 1970’s TV thriller Kolchak: The Night Stalker is first up! Check out what I think about the show with the links below!
#4… coming soon!
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B-Movie News
–I Am Vengeance gets a trailer: Starring the former Wade Barrett of WWE, Stu Bennett, I Am Vengeance looks to be a badass, low budget action flick, the kind of action vehicle that major studios used to be interested in making back in the day. Bennett showed us in Eliminators with Scott Adkins that he has what it takes to be a real deal action star (and, heck, real deal actor), and it looks like I Am Vengeance could be his calling card movie for future efforts. Check out the one liners in the trailer. I bet there are oodles more. And get this! Gary Daniels is in this movie, too. Yes, Gary goddamn Daniels! Holy crap! How can this movie miss?
I Am Vengeance is a definite must see when it comes out next month (August 25th, to be exact).
See? This looks awesome!
–Outlawed also gets a trailer, too: Outlawed, originally known as Heart of Chaos, is a low budget action vehicle for real deal badass Adam Collins, former Royal Marine, combat veteran, stunt performer, and martial artist. According to imdb, Collins co=wrote the script and co-directed with Luke Radford, and, Jesus Christ, this movie looks insane. The action looks tough and nasty, and Collins looks absolutely fantastic shooting bad guys, fighting, and holding his bloody shoulder in the trailer. Much like Stu Bennett above, Collins may have his signature calling card movie here with Outlawed. This is another action movie that I definitely plan on checking out. I don’t know when, exactly, it’s coming out but, shit, watch the trailer again and tell me that you don’t want to see it.
Go ahead, watch it and tell me you don’t want to see it.
See? There’s no way in hell you want to miss this. No freaking way!
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Who is the Douchebag of the Week? Go here and find out!
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Next Issue: Tremors 6: A Cold Day in Hell!
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Interviews
david j. moore
Jino Kang
Vladimir Kulich
Paul Mormando
Shahin Sean Solimon
Michael Matteo Rossi
Tyrone Magnus
Hector Barron
Jeffrey Orgill
Michael Baumgarten
R. Marcos Taylor
Don “The Dragon” Wilson
Paul Kyriazi
Eric Jacobus
Juju Chan
Luke LaFontaine
Marco Siedlemann
Sam Firstenberg
Amariah Olson
Alexander Nevsky
Mathias Hues
Kristanna Loken
Steve Mitchell
Albert Pyun
Brad Thornton
Mathieu Ratthe
Damien Power
Kelsey Carlisle
Mike Dwyer
Nicholas Bushman
Brahim Achabbakhe
Etcetera
Richard LeMay
Andrew David Barker
Cynthia Rothrock
Leslie Simpson
C. Courtney Joyner
Shahin Sean Solimon (2)
Eric Miller
Alexander Nevsky (2)
Christopher Lawrence Chapman
James Mark
Casper Van Dien
Chris Mark
James E. Wilson
Barry Hunt
Vincent J. Roth
Mathew Ziff
Brandon Tyler Russell
Barry Hunt (2)
Lobsang Tenzin
Dylan Reynolds
Paul Kyriazi(2)
Lincoln Bevers
Nassasin Nuri
Hannah Janssen
Harry Mok
Daniel Roebuck
Sage Croft
Stephen van Vuuren
Cheryl Wheeler Sanders
Eric Jacobus (2)
David William No
Nicholas Verdi
Luke LaFontaine (2)
Roger Yuan
Dominik Starck
Tamas Nadas
Tyler Savage
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Well, I think that’ll be about it for now. Don’t forget to sign up with disqus if you want to comment on this article and any other 411 article. You know you want to, so just go do it.
B-movies rule. Always remember that.
The Green Slime
Robert Horton– Commander Jack Rankin
Richard Jaeckel– Commander Vince Elliott
Luciana Paluzzi– Dr. Lisa Benson
Bud Widom– General Jonathan B. Thompson
Ted Gunther– Dr. Hans Halvorsen
David Yorston– Lt. Curtis
Robert Dunham– Captain Martin
Gary Randolf– Cordier
Directed by Kinji Fukasaku
Screenplay by Tom Rowe and Charles Sinclair, based on a story by William Finger and Ivan Reiner
Distributed by Toei Company, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, MGM/UA Home Entertainment, and Warner Home Video
Rated G
Runtime– 90 minutes
