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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: The Velocipastor
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #519: The Velocipastor
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never wanted to own a pet dinosaur because, really, what the hell are you going to do with a goddamn pet dinosaur (what the hell would you feed it? And where would you get it? This is already a giant pain in the ass and it’s just a joke), The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number five hundred and nineteen, I take a look at the mega low budget, weird beard action horror comedy The Velocipastor, which it set to hit home video this week from the fine folks at Wild Eye Releasing.
The Velocipastor
The Velocipastor, written and directed by Brendan Steere, is one of those wacked out, insane, mega low budget horror comedies that really needs to be even more wacked out and insane because, well, if you’re going to be wacked out and insane you might as well go for broke. That isn’t to say that The Velocipastor isn’t a good, sometimes great wacked out, insane mega low budget horror comedy. It is good and, at times, even great. But, at the same time, you want it to be much more than it is. You want it to be the most insane thing you’ve ever seen.
The Velocipastor stars Gregory James Cohan as Doug Jones, a troubled priest who, after witnessing the death of his parents via car bomb, goes to China on vacation. While walking in the woods in China, he comes across a bloodied young woman brandishing a fossilized dinosaur tooth (she’s been hit by an arrow). The woman gives Doug the tooth, and, suddenly, ninjas show up. Ninjas? In the woods in China? What the hell is going on here? Before Doug has a chance to process his surroundings, he blacks out and wakes up back home. Doug’s friend, mentor, and boss Father Stewart (Daniel Steere) is there, too, and he tries to ask Doug what happened to him in China. Doug doesn’t know anything. The only thing he does know, at that moment, is that he’s hungry. Very, very hungry.
It’s at this point in the movie that we meet Carol (Alyssa Kempinski), a sort of happy go lucky prostitute that works for the super aggressive and violent idiot pimp Frankie Mermaid (Fernando Pacheo De Castro). One night, while walking through a nearby park, Carol is attacked by a mugger, but the mugger gets nothing from her as the mugger is attacked by a dinosaur type monster. A dinosaur type monster? In the woods? What the hell is going on here? Why would a dinosaur show up out of nowhere to kill a mugger?
Well, the dinosaur isn’t a dinosaur, at least in the traditional sense. The dinosaur is actually Doug. See, the dinosaur tooth somehow transferred the ability to transform into a dinosaur to Doug, and because of this ability to transform Doug also, every so often, develops a hunger for human flesh. So while “rescuing” Carol, he also got to eat the mugger.
So Carol takes Doug back to her apartment after he transforms back into his regular human form and tries to help him. Doug has no idea what happened in the woods, and when Carol tells him what happened he doesn’t believe a word of it. Carol takes Doug to the woods and shows him what’s left of the mugger (apparently Doug the dinosaur is only likely to eat some of a person, not a whole person). Even after seeing the mugger’s body, Doug doesn’t believe any of Carol’s “dinosaur” story and goes back to church to hear confessions. While hearing Frankie Mermaid’s confession, Doug finds out what really happened to his parents, turns into the dinosaur, and kills Frankie Mermaid right in the church.
So Doug finally accepts that this “transforming into a dinosaur” thing is real and, after talking with Carol, decides that he will become a sort of vigilante that rids the world of some of its bad, bad people. Doug will still remain a priest and do the things that priests do, but, when the worlds needs it to happen, he will become a killer dinosaur and eat and kill bad guys. Carol will remain a prostitute and sort of help Doug figure out who needs to die and be eaten next.
Now, while all of that is going on (that and the budding romantic relationship between Doug and Carol, which is problematic since Doug took a vow of celibacy), the ninjas that we saw in China concoct a scheme to head to America to confront Doug and, maybe, stop the dinosaur transformation thing from happening.
And while all of that is going on, Father Stewart takes Doug to a weird beard exorcist (Altair, played by Aurello Voltaire) to try to “fix” Doug’s dinosaur problem. That plan doesn’t work out for anyone, especially Father Stewart. Doug’s dinosaur issue isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. There are too many bad people to kill and eat.
The Velocipastor, despite its barely 75 minutes running time, moves along at a deliberate pace and feels longer than it actually is. That isn’t a bad thing, but I do believe it partly explains why the movie, while, as I said at the beginning, is wacked out and insane, never seems like it’s pushing itself enough to be even more wacked out and insane. It’s gone this far, why isn’t it trying to go even further? There are times where it seems like it is going to go further, but for whatever reason it doesn’t. In that sense, The Velocipastor is frustrating. But when you, as the viewer, “get with the program,” The Velocipastor is a ridiculous riot. It’s kind of brilliant, in a way, and it’s fun. It may take a while for you to get with that program, but when you do The Velocipastor is great. Maybe the “real” insanity is being saved for the inevitable sequel? With a title like The Velocipastor you just know that there’s going to be a part 2 at some point in the future.
Now, even basking in its greatness, you’ll probably wonder why The Velocipastor isn’t bloodier than it is. If there’s a dinosaur creature of some sort in the movie, why the hell isn’t that creature ripping people apart in full view of the audience? Why aren’t there scenes of blood and guts spraying into the air? Why aren’t there multiple onscreen decapitations and whatnot? And when it comes to the presence of ninjas, why aren’t there more sword play scenes, karate scenes, and bloody arm removal scenes? I mean, shouldn’t all of those things be in abundance here?
Then there’s the total lack of nudity from anyone. There’s a sex scene in the middle of the movie that uses a split screen technique but, for whatever reason, there isn’t a moment of bare flesh anywhere in it. Why go to all of the trouble of staging a sex scene that doesn’t deliver? And, yes, I know that it’s possible to have a good/interesting sex scene in a movie and not feature any nudity in it, but, in The Velocipastor, there probably should have been some.
And think of this. Doug is a priest who has a girlfriend that he has sex with despite his vow of celibacy. Doug is also attacked by ninjas right after having sex with Carol. Why isn’t there a sequence in the movie where Doug fights off the ninjas while completely naked? Viggo Mortensen did a naked kung fu scene in Eastern Promises. Why doesn’t The Velocipastor try to outdo it? Truly, a missed opportunity.
The movie does have a terrific sense of humor. It’s always refreshing to see a comedy of any sort where, while the movie knows that it’s ridiculous, the characters in the movie treat every bit of insanity as something that’s happening and they just have to deal with it. Yes, people deny things like “people turning into dinosaurs” at first, but when they see it actually happen, they adapt to that reality and move on. It’s like Airplane!, in a way. As long as the actors commit to what’s happening, the movie will work. There are sequences where characters laugh for long stretches for no apparent reason. Those sequences could kill the movie if not handled properly. Director Steere and his cast know how far they want to go with these scenes and they make sure to not overdo it. I just wish they overdid other aspects of the movie.
Gregory James Cohan does a good job as Doug the priest. He takes the part seriously while doing and saying incredibly weird things, which is a huge plus, because I think if he played Doug as a guy who knows he’s in a weird movie it wouldn’t have worked. Cohan has great chemistry with Daniel Steere’s Father Stewart. Cohan’s chemistry with Alyssa Kempinski takes some time to develop, and once it does they’re a great couple. It will be interesting to see if Cohan comes back for a sequel. How is he going to expand on his performance here?
Alyssa Kempinski is decent as Carol, the hooker with a heart of gold. She’s very mellow at the beginning, but she comes alive when Doug agrees to become a vigilante dinosaur. I don’t know if I buy her as a hooker, but then it’s not like there are extended sequences of her banging random guys so the hooker thing is likely just a way to make her relationship with Doug seem a little scandalous. If there’s no scandal their relationship might not work. Will she return for a sequel?
Daniel Steere is brilliant as Father Stewart, Doug’s boss and mentor. He has a great interlude where we see Stewart in Vietnam and it’s the comedy segment of the movie. It doesn’t seem like it will be all that funny, but the way the segment ends will have you rolling on the floor. It’s a damn shame what happens to him in the movie. Look at how he wears the eyepatch. It’s hilarious.
Fernando Pachero De Castro gives the performance of the movie as pimp Frankie Mermaid. He isn’t in the movie all that long, but you will remember every second he’s on screen. From his costume to his balding head to his line delivery, De Castro is the only one who seems to be willing to push and make the movie even more insane. If we don’t get a sequel, I do hope we get some sort of prequel where we see Frankie Mermaid as the star. I bet that movie would rock and rock hard.
And Zachary Steere is brilliant as the man in the dinosaur suit. We only see him in full dinosaur suit once, at the end of the movie, but it’s glorious. The build to seeing it is terrific, and I’m sure the dinosaur sequence will live on on YouTube forever (or for as long as YouTube exists).
As for the ninjas, they’re funny, but they’re not all that dangerous looking. They don’t have to be “real” ninjas or anything, but it would have been cool if at least one of them sort of looked like a ninja. Their big scheme, though, is definitely inspired.
The Velocipastor should be more wacked out than it is. It should be full bridled insanity. Unfortunately, it isn’t. It holds itself back a bit. At the same time, it’s still fun and insane and wacked out, and if you’re in the mood for something like that, The Velocipastor is a movie that you should absolutely check out. Hopefully, we get a The Velocipastor franchise at some point. I think it’s something the world needs.
See The Velocipastor. See it, see it, see it.
So what do we have here?
Dead bodies: Lots, but it should have been more.
Explosions: One. Sort of.
Nudity?: None.
Doobage: A priest speaking in church, exploding car, booze drinking in church, green screen driving montage, arrow attack, ninja attack, a hand bite, attempted mugging, decapitation, a funny conversation where two people talk about two very different things, involuntary cross dressing, running, confession hooey, smoking in church, bloody neck ripping, impromptu hugging, a two people living life and talking montage, a work out session, more ninjas, an awkward hug inside a car, exorcism hooey, a flashback to Vietnam, exploding person, bloody eye removal, yet another ninja attack, a weird beard “split screen” sex scene, underwear kung fu, holy ninjas, talk of cocaine, a burning map, leather jacket hooey, a really long sword stabbing scene, chest slicing, man in suit, bloody arm ripping, dinosaur tail attack, bloody decapitation, a doctor that smokes a cigarette while in the hospital, and an ending that suggests there are further adventures to be had.
Kim Richards?: None.
Gratuitous: “Rated X by an all Christian jury,” “China,” a dinosaur tooth, ninjas, a balding white pimp, a man wearing a short orange skirt, a priest putting the moves on a prostitute, people speaking different languages, a visible boom mic, a weird laughing interlude, a verbal take down of Communism, soldiers wearing jeans, a ridiculous wig, exorcism, a ninja using a clipboard to explain the big ninja plan, tea, man in suit, a super obvious dummy head, a Gandhi quote, “She’s fine,” and the promise of further adventures to be had.
Best lines: “Mom and Dad!,” “So your parents died, Doug? It’s what parents do. They die on ya,” “I’m starting to question my faith,” “China is east!,” “I am… hungry,” “Last night was… amazing. Oh, I see,” “I don’t believe you! Dinosaurs never existed, and even if they did I don’t transform into one!,” “You’re a hooker? And pre-med law but people aren’t surprised much by that one at all,” “Listen, padre, Frankie fucking Mermaid smokes where the fuck he wants because his life is on fire!,” “I know the world is a better place with Frankie Mermaid off the streets,” “Your chronic absence worries me,” “That’s insane, Doug! God does not want people dead! Oh, I think God wants a lot of people dead,” “I had parents once. What would my parents say?,” “Sometimes we need evil to fight evil, Doug!,” “Now the hounds of hell are truly loose! What have I done?,” “I think I’m still bleeding,” “Where did all of the ninjas come from?,” “Remember your faith, Father Jones,” “I don’t understand. What does drug smuggling have to do with Christianity?,” “I will not stair the sword of my ancestors with your blood!,” “Sir. We tried,” and “Oh! Carol!”
Rating: 7.5/10.0
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Things to Watch Out For
–Among the Shadows: Okay, so this is some sort of low budget horror movie about a private detective who has to investigate her uncle’s murder all the while making sure no one figures out that she’s a werewolf. Or something like that. The trailer looks weird, and the plot, while it sounds interesting (we’ve had cops who were also werewolves, but when was the last time a PI was a werewolf? I can’t remember). Lindsay Lohan is in the movie, too, for some reason, although I’m not entirely sure how much she’s in the movie (a review on Amazon claims that Lohan is green screened into the movie). I think there’s enough weird stuff here to warrant a rental, right? That’s what I’m thinking.
–Vice Squad Collector’s Edition: The fine folks at Shout! Factory’s Scream Factory imprint are putting out this early 1980’s sleaze classic about the Hollywood Vice Squad cops tracking down a super psycho killer pimp played by the great Wings Hauser. And this collector’s edition is chock full of special features, including multiple commentary tracks, interviews with the cast and crew, and more. Scream Factory always puts out badass Blu-rays, so this is another must buy. Any Vice Squad fans out there? Anyone else excited to see this again (I saw it once, decades ago)?
–Avengers: Endgame: This is the home video release of the biggest movie of all time, the culmination of a decade’s worth of movies from the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and it’s definitely satisfying. I loved it, even if it is three hours long (I’m actually surprised it isn’t longer than that). It will be interesting now to see where the MCU goes from here, not to mention Robert Downey, Jr., since, after the end of this movie, he isn’t going to be a part of the ongoing MCU anymore. Now, how will this movie’s spectacle translate to TV screens? I’m very interested to find out.
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The Widow’s Point teaser trailer is here!
And please check out my Widow’s Point set report here!
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Next Issue: Skin Creepers!
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Well, I think that’ll be about it for now. Don’t forget to sign up with disqus if you want to comment on this article and any other 411 article. You know you want to, so just go do it.
B-movies rule. Always remember that.
The Velocipastor
Gregory James Choan– Father Doug Jones
Alyssa Kempinski– Carol
Daniel Steere– Father Stewart
Aurelio Voltaire– Altair
Fernando Pacheo De Castro– Frankie Mermaid
Jesse Turits– Sam the White Ninja
Zachary Steere– Dinosaur Suit Performer
David Sokol– Ali
(check out the rest of the cast here)
Directed by Brendan Steere
Screenplay by Brendan Steere
Distributed by Wild Eye Releasing
Unrated
Runtime– 75 minutes
Buy it here
