Movies & TV / Columns

The Man Movie Encyclopedia: Aliens

June 12, 2017 | Posted by Caliber Winfield
Alien Predator Ellen Ripley

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Greetings, all.

You guys remember a few months ago when I went full bitch, and fell in love with that girl and it went south and messed me up for a minute? Well, she’s back in my life, in a friend capacity.

It’s not nearly as odd as you would think it would be. We’ve fallen back into the same old patterns and such, and things were like they were. Except I’m not harboring feelings of soul crushing love.

I’m being really fucking stupid, aren’t I?

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We open up with Ripley’s ship from Alien being borded by a space salvage crew. She learns she’s been asleep for 57 years, and is a bit miffed about it. If I get that news?

Space Dude: We’re sorry to inform you, but you’ve been asleep for 57 years.
Caliber: 57 years? How come I don’t have the world’s greatest morning wood then? I mean, by science reasoning, I should have one that would last through Christmas. I call bullshit.
Space Dude: Mr Winfield, this is very serious. Your friends, your family, your—
Caliber:My Netflix account! Oh SHIT, I bet Netflix is filled with the bomb now! Man, it was getting thin there for a minute. Oh, oh hell yeah. Better Call Saul is locked and loaded, baby! No more waiting bullshit! Fuck yeah. Dude, high five for space sleep!

Well, on the planet where Ripley and gang found the eggs, people have been trying to get their colonize on. They thought it was all safe and such, but then they find the ship, and the bad stuff happens, thus contact is lost. So, they send Ripley and a gang of space marines to find out what happened, and perhaps save any survivors.
They touch down and head in, but only end up finding a lot of nothing and a little girl named Newt. Using their radar, they notice a ton of activity by the cooling towers, and for whatever reason feel that’s the place to head to. I’m thinking no. Like, hey, I know I’m always voicing my concern here, guys, but instead of going where there’s a ton of activity, let’s go to the beach over there with the big booty bitches? That cool? All aboard? No? Cooling towers where we’ll be bred and killed? Of course.

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Well, they don’t go to the beach, and instead head into a hive of Xenomorphs. They don’t realize just what kind of deep shit they’re into, until the walls of this hive literally come to life in a brilliant moment. The first marine to get it decides her best move is to just hold down the trigger on her flame thrower and set her fellow marines on fire. They try and blast their way out, but a lot of them get got. Of course, Ripley takes charge as she watches from a remote vehicle and charges her way in there to save the marines, and as they reach the vehicle, right before the last one gets in, he gets covered in acid blood, and of course his last act is to point his flame-thrower at the open door of the vehicle and pull the trigger. I mean, what the fuck? Is there a deleted scene where they’re trained in how to use these?

Drill SGT: Alright, does everyone have their CAL69420 Flame Throwers?
Marines: Yes sir!
Drill SGT OK, the only thing you guys have to know is that when you die, it’s imperative that you point your flame thrower at who ever is nearest, and, now this is important, don’t hit the normal trigger, but this other one, here, it’ll send an EXTREMELY hot and concentrated blast, one that’ll REALLY fuck up which ever team mate you’re setting on fire.

Anyway, they call for their rescue ship, but the Xenomorphs aren’t having any of that ‘happy ending’ bullshit, and see to it it’s blown all to hell. Once they get to safe ground, Bishop agrees to Andy Dufrane his way through a lot of pipe to get to the second drop-ship, and fly them out of there. The rest of the crew have to fight their way through the shit-ton of Xenos. We get some awesome shoot-outs, and one never tires of seeing the Xenomorphs in action, whether it’s killing, being killed, or just straight up posing for a picture. We also discover that one of the cats with them, a guy who works for the Wayland Company, was looking to bring back some Xenomorph action, inside Newt & Ripley. It almost goes down, too. Of course, before dealing with him, there’s the matter of the damaged nuclear core and massive, planet-destroying explosion and such if they don’t amscray immediately.

During the aforementioned fight through the Xenos, just about everyone dies except Newt, Ripley, and Hicks. Of course, Newt gets captured by the Xenomorphs because kids are brats and don’t listen, as Ripley clearly instructed her not to become kidnapped. Kids, always gotta be defiant.
So, Ripley plays super babysitter and goes to get her back. Armed with only a machine gun and flame-thrower, she heads into the nest and is pretty much the definition of burly. Like, when she buys her groceries and the attendant asks how many fucks she’d like to donate, Ripley gives zero fucks. She finds Newt, and at the same time hundreds of eggs, and the source of these eggs, the Queen. They basically come to an agreement, you let us leave, and I won’t torch all your shit. She agrees, and then Ripley is like, nah, suck it, and flame on. It’s awesome looking as the entire place burns, and Ripley goes ape-shit, blasting everything with the machine gun while everything else burns.

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The Queen ain’t happy about Ripley’s reneging, and chases her and Newt out on to the platform, where they narrowly escape in the drop ship. Once they’re back on base, things are chill for about 2 seconds, until we find that the Queen holds a grudge like a motherfucker, and has stowed away on the ship. Well, Ripley is very much a “no ticket” kind of person, and hops in the loader to do some sweet battle with the Queen in one of the coolest, most original fight scenes in movie history. Naturally, she tosses the Queen out of the airlock, and everything is gravy, baby.

MAN MOVIE ENCYCLOPEDIA TALLY:
1-Liners: 1
Guys Beat-Up: 0
Guys Killed: 5
Swear Words: 43
Boobies: 0
Explosions: 3
Chases: 1
Broken Bones: 0
Guy/Girl Get Girl/Man: No
Guy/Girl Smoke: Yes.
Hotel Shoot-Out/Fight: Nope

MAN-FACTS:
Cameron decided to film the scene where the Marines all meet up on screen for the first time, as one of the last. That way, the comrodere would be genuine, as the actors had been working together already for months.
Bill Paxton said he improvised a good portion of his lines.
The 15 minute countdown at the end, is indeed 15 minutes.
Movie wasn’t officially done and ready until a week before it hit theaters.
Cameron had the actors alter and personalize their armor.

BOX OFFICE BUSINESS:
Released by FOX on July 18th, 1986, to 1,437 theaters. Aliens was created on a budget of $18 million dollars, and opened up at #1, with a theater average of $6,995, and a first weekend total of $10,052,042 . After it’s run, Aliens ended up with a world wide total of $131,060,248.

C’MON BENNETT, LET’S PARTY!:
It’s Aliens. Do I even really need to explain why it’s 5 out of 5? It’s one of those rare films where you point at it and go “This. This is exactly why movies were invented”. It’s fucking brilliant in every aspect, and follows…nay, wrote the Guide To Crafting A Perfect Sequel. It’s one of those movies that’s so good, it can actually make an opinion wrong if you don’t like it.
5 Head-Butts Out Of 5.

Any questions, comments, drunk-ramblings, feel free to send them my way, I always dig hearing from you, the beautiful people.
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