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The Man Movie Encyclopedia: Highlander

November 16, 2018 | Posted by Caliber Winfield

Greetings, all!

How are you, the beautiful people, doing today?

Ooh, your boy is excited. In less than a week’s time I’m gonna be in a theater, watching Creed II. A movie I never thought I’d get. I mean, it’s Rocky 4 part 2! The last time I was this excited for a movie it was Expendables 2. Hotdamn I can’t wait.

Speaking of movies, if you’re wondering what your pal Cal thought about some recent releases, such as Venom, Sicario 2, and Halloween 2018, then boy howdy do I have a link for you: Caliber reviews Venom, Sicario 2, and Halloween 2018.

Alright, enough cheap, shameless plugs, let’s go hang out in Scotland and cut some heads off, baby…

HLHeader
We open up in a little place called Badstreet USA, as the Freebirds make their entrance in Madison Square Garden, dootdootdoot. Way up in the nose bleeds sits Conor Macleod, and he looks PISSED. Despite this, everyone around him is talking to him, which blows my mind, because Connor looks like he’s trying to explode someone’s brain with his mind, that’s how pissed he looks. Well, he’s had about enough of PS and the gang, and heads to the parking garage. Once here, he meets a guy named Pasil, who is another immortal and ready to go. What proceeds is a super fucking weird fight scene. They clang here and there, but are more concerned with disappearing on each other, and back-flips. Serious, I think this Pasil guy did about 3,265 back-flips. I imagine this guy does a back-flip getting into his car, and back-flips getting out. Hell, he probably back-flips while driving. Despite all these back-flips, Pasil gets his head cut-off. Connor then receives Pasil’s energy, which is known as the Quickening. This causes bodies to levitate, cars to turn on, glass explode, all types of craziness, not exactly something you wanna do in public, especially the parking lot at the world’s most famous arena. I’m shocked Pasil didn’t back-flip into the ring and attempt to cut Connor’s head off there.
Once he does, he hides his sword, and attempts to leave, only to be stopped by a horde of police. It’s during this time we get some flash-backs. Connor was part of the Clan Macleod in Scotland in the late 1500s. During battle, a black knight, known as the Kurgan, looks to kill Connor, as he knows he’s immortal. He misses his chance, but does fatally wound him. However, Connor doesn’t die, and as a result, his entire clan, and his woman, think he’s the devil and want him burned alive. One second his girlfriend is hoopering & hollering over him being dead, and now that he’s alive, she wants him burnt to death. Freaking women, man.

HLkurgan

His clan has him locked in a portable stock, while everyone spits at him, throws shit, along with punches & head-butts. The clan leader shows up, and saves Connor. He then says that Connor shall be banished, and that’s that. However, the next scene, he’s free, but still in the stockade! Where’s the deleted scene before this?

Clan Leader:M Now, we will leave Connor alone, and allow him to be banished! You’re free, Connor.
Connor: Thank you, bruh. Thank you.
Clan Leader: No problem.
Connor: ….yup. So….
Clan Leader: What’re ya waitin’ for? Go!
Connor: Um…look, I don’t want to be an ingrate…but, uh, could we ditch the stockade?
Clan Leader: Well now you’re just being ridiculous! I mean, c’mon, man, you DO have the devil in you, remember? The devil. It ain’t like you got the annoying guy in you that always has to mention he doesn’t have a TV. No, you got the freaking devil, man. So, you gotta stay in the stockade. Just be thankful no one around here remembers The Tow of Shame, where we make you pull a 1978 Buick Lasabre behind you that has the two bumper-stickers on it, the one that reads “Honk If You Have A Small Dick” and the bumper sticker next to it reads “*HONK HONK HONK HONK*”.
Connor: Motherfucker.

We flash forward a few years, and Connor is leaving in this beat down, studio-castle. It’s like a studio apartment, but, a castle. He’s got himself a new girl, one that doesn’t want him burnt to death. He also makes a new friend, Juan Sanchez Villia-Lobos Rameriz. He’s a flamboyant cat who’s come to teach Connor all about sword fighting, and the history of the immortals. Juan seems like a cool enough dude, but then you see he’s a hella dick, because EVERY DAMN TIME they have to practice their sword-fighting, it’s way super high-up on a very remote cliff. Every. Damn. Time. I mean, I’d get it if some chicks were around, but they ain’t, so it’s like, damn, bruh, can’t we just clang & bang in the front yard? MUST we scale Mt. Everest first?

HLconnery

Back in current time, Connor goes back to the crime scene to fetch his word, while there, this forensics specialist named Brenda shows up, because she needs more metal shavings left behind from Connor’s sword. He hides from her, spooks her, and as a result she heads to a bar for a drink. So, if I’m a suspect in a murder, and I’m trying to make sure no one finds out I’m an immortal, you know what I’m NOT gonna do? Follow around cops and make myself seem like the creepiest motherfucker not currently being interviewed by Chris Hansen.

HLbar

He follows her to the bar, then asks her if she’s ever been to Madison Square Garden, THEN calls her by her name and asks her to walk her home! Dudes been alive for almost 500 years, and he’s THIS bad with women?! I’m shocked he didn’t think to get a primered van, the best pair of coke-bottle glasses, and some ratty sweats with a stain on the crotch before approaching her. Anyway, she’s just as stupid as he is, because she decides to follow him. Well, while she’s doing that, Kurgan shows up and starts going for Connor’s head. They have a bit of a battle before it’s broken up by a police helicopter that comes out of no where, and afterward, she starts asking Connor “What did he mean?! He called you a Highlander! What did he mean ‘there can be only one’?!” because Kurgan was just yelling shit at the top of his lungs.
OK, if I see two crack-heads fighting in the middle of the night, you know what I’m NOT gonna do? I’m not gonna be kept awake at night, pondering the deep mysteries and possibilities of what they were saying. She’d be a nightmare to hang out with, ’cause you’d go to a store, pass a homeless person begging for change, and the entire shopping trip you’d have to keep her from going back outside because “He said something about the government creating zombie dinosaurs! I MUST KNOW WHAT HE MEANT!”.
We get a flash back of when a night when Connor was out, so when Kurgan showed up, it was up to Ramirez to do battle. They have a pretty sweet fight, but in the end, Ramirez loses the fight, and his head.
Back in current time, we get the ODDEST FUCKING DATE IN HISTORY. So, Brenda shows up to Connor’s shop, as he’s an antique’s dealer. Out of the blue he asks her out on a date, and she says yes. She says yes to the guy who’s a suspect in a murder, that followed her to a crime scene, and was battling a 7ft crackhead. Well, before he shows up, she hides a .45 and a tape recorder in her house. When he comes in, she offers to take his coat and he refuses. She then, honest to God, takes THREE STEPS away from him and he goes “Where are you going?”, to which she says she forgot her earings. Then, because he just has to be the creepiest dude ever, he starts rifling through her shit! He finds the .45 and the tape recorder. He then takes off his jacket and sets it down. OK, so why did he refuse her offer to take the coat?! He then gives her a history lesson about the year 1783, which is when the bottle of Hennessy he has was bottled. It all comes out about who she really is, and she says she wants answers about the samurai sword, because it’s not suppose to exist. To which he says “You want? Do you ever think about anything except what you want?”. WHAT THE HELL?! They’ve literally spoken less than a handful of times, and never said anything but a few sentences!
Else where, this dork riding around in his Firebird, with a passenger seat loaded with fully automatic weapons, sees Kurgan battling another immortal. So he promptly gets out, and after Kurgan kills the other immortal, this guy dumps an entire Uzi clip into him. Doesn’t do any good, as Kurgan gets back up, impales the guy, and goes about his way. This guy is straight out of left field, and some how, survives being driven all the way through with a broad sword, without even a dusting of paralyzation. We do get a cool scene of Kurgan hijacking a car with an old lady in it, and driving around like a maniac.
Well, Brenda gets a hunch, and tracks down Connor’s birth certificate, but under the name she knows, Russel Nash. She finds it, then tracks down the doctor who gave birth to get some info, because she’s expecting him to recall that on a dime, despite it being 40 freaking years ago. What annoys me, is he does! He freaking does!
Well, she comes to him with her findings, and like all great romances, he has her stab him to death. He survives, and then they have sex. I tell you, if I see that old cliché of “guy makes girl stab him to death, he survives, they bone” one more time. She wouldn’t be the girl for me, because any girl I’d dig immediately after me surviving the stabbing would say “That was cool. Jump off the building! Let’s see what happens!”

HLquick

So, she’s the new girl, and as a result Kurgan kidnaps her and takes her on a ride, playing chicken with other cars, and doing all sorts of great shit while listening to Queen. He’s a hell of a villain, and a lot of fun. Naturally he uses her as bait, getting Connor to show up for the final duel. They have a decent fight, nothing amazing, and of course, Connor wins. Now, besides obtaining all the knowledge and shit of the universe, the prize is mortality.

MAN MOVIE TALLY:
1-Liners: 0
Guys Beat Up: 0
Guys Killed: 10
Swear Words: 3
Boobies: 2
Explosions: 0
Chase: 0
Broken Bones: 0
Fight/Shoot-Out At Motel?: No
Guy Get Girl? Yes
Guy Smoke?: No

BOX-OFFICE BUSINESS:
Costing $16 million to make, Highlander opened up at #7, and finished with a world-wide take of around $12 million. It didn’t really achieve it’s success until it arrived on home video.

MAN FACTS:
A lot of people point out Christopher Lambert’s odd cadence when he speaks, and the reason is that he barely knew English.

Connery and Lambert got along so well, that it was Lambert who insisted he return for the sequel. They even called each other by their character’s names when they weren’t filming.

Because of Connery’s schedule, he was only able to film for a week, and for that week he was paid a cool $1 million.

Because it’s Cannon Films, they didn’t know Lambert couldn’t speak English until after he’d signed the contracts.

The director said that Clancy Brown, who played Kurgan, had got so into it that some crew members were afraid to go near him.

In the church scene, when Clancy says “I have something to say…it’s better to burn out, than to fade away!” was improvised. He also apologized to the priests & nuns for his language, fearing he may have offended them.

C’MON BENNETT, LET’S PARTY!:
Highlander is the only movie where it’s 50% bad-ass, and 50% god-awful. The scenes with Brenda are just ATROCIOUS. Nevermind the acting, the dialogue and such is just…I just can’t believe adults saw this and thought “Yup! Print! Put that in theaters and charge people to see it!”. But at the same time, it makes the movie that much more fun. Now, besides that, the other stuff is bad-ass, especially Kurgan. The fact he wasn’t put in other sequels is a crime. He was scary, and had a hell of a presence. Highlander is just a fun movie, and absolutely worth checking out. The sequels? Well…
***1/2 Head-Butts out of 5

Any questions, comments, drunk-ramblings, feel free to send them my way, I always dig hearing from you, the beautiful people.
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