The Man Movie Encyclopedia: Mission Impossible III

Greetings, all.

Apologies for my absence. However, it makes the heart grow fonder, no?

Truth be told, I started a new job, as well as a new project. That new project is called Lesnar By The Day. Basically, I train my ass off from now until the time my physical idol, Brock Lesnar, returns to the octagon, and see just how Beast-esq I can become. So, that means a triumphant return to the weight room, and keeping up with my MMA training. There’s going to be a website that follows the day by day, but for now just keep up with my IG if you want to see how it’s going. Thus far, the only part that sucks is having to make sure I eat at least 4,000 calories a day. It’s a completely ridiculous project, but what the hell, let’s see if Caliber can become The Kinda Sorta Beast Incarnate.

Happy to be back, as always, I’ve missed you guys. Since Mission Impossible 6 is coming, I thought we’d take a look at some of the previous entries. Mission Impossible is a series like Fast & The Furious, in which it morphed into something very different than what the original started. Hell, I tried watching the original one a few years ago, and not only was it boring, but it was extremely hard to follow. As the series went on, the plots became easier, and the action became more intense.

We open up with Ethan tied up, and his lady friend seated in front of him, also tied up. The person running this situation, Phillip Seamour Hoffman, is demanding something called The Rabbit’s Foot. He says if Ethan doesn’t tell him where it is, then his fiance gets her head blown off.

We then smash cut to the past, Ethan and his fiance, Julia’s, engagement party. While at the party, he gets a phone call that seems innocuous, but he knows it’s basically the bat signal, and he’s needed. See, after leaving the whole thing, I’d be the guy who would instantly forget everything. So, it’d go like this…

[phone rings]
Caliber: Ahoy hoy
Voice on Phone: Hello, Mr. Winfield, we’d like to tell you about our excting new cable packages!
Caliber:Bruh, I got Hulu, Netflix, Prime, and piratebay. I’m set.
VoP: No, sir, I really think you’d like to hear about what we’re offering.
Caliber: Yeah, I don’t think I would, dorkus. Forreal, I just watched Antman & WASP at home, ya’ll can’t offer that.
VoP: No, we can’t, Mr Winfield, but perhaps you’d be into a SPY THRILLER of some sort?
Caliber: What, the Equalizer sequel? Tempting, but it ain’t even out yet.
VoP: [under his breath] This motherfucker….no, Mr. Winfield, perhaps in your PAST you were into SPY MOVIES. You know, in your PAST. SPY. PAST.
Caliber: ….oh, shit. Oh, my bad. Are you trying to tell me ya’ll are offering a package deal on Brazzers and Reality Kings?!
VoP: OK, fuck this. Dude, it’s the spy agency you worked for, like, literally last week. We need you for something….but…you know what, I’m just gonna come and beat the shit out of you for this. I HATE when I have to call you.
Caliber:……so, you’re telling me that’s a no on the porn bundle?

They want Ethan to help rescue one of theirs, someone named Farris, who was tracking a black market dealer by the name of Davian, the dude from the opening. They fly into Berlin, and rescue Farris from the factory, in a pretty easy rescue mission. Almost. As they’re leaving, she starts to freak out about hearing a loud noise, which at first the gang ignores, cause, c’mon, chicks complain about random shit all the time, give it a few minutes and I guarantee she’ll complain about being cold when it’s perfectly warm. They board the helicopter, just as another one shows up and begins a chase. Ethan figures out she has a device in her brain, a mini-explosive, and wants to hit her with a defib, to short it out. However, 10 seconds before the defib is charged, the device goes off, and she dies.

Ethan, along with his CO, get chewed out. This leads Ethan on a mission of revenge to get Davian, who is apparently selling something major, to some bad dude they never specify. Before he heads off, he and his fiance get married, cause why not. Turns out Davian is gonna be at the Vatican, so they gotta sneak into that bad boy and nab him. Once they get inside the Vatican, Ethan works up one of those sweet disguises with the false face mask and shit. Man, do I want that. And no, not so I can put on a Phoenix Marie mask and talk about how much I love Caliber Winfield. Well…
So, Ethan puts on the Davian mask after they knock him out when he visits the bathroom, and pretends to be him. They make it appear he’s out to get some goodness with a woman, as he hops into her car and they blow it up, in front of his bodyguards and a crowd. On the plane ride back to HQ, he interrogates Davian and tries to find out what the Rabbit’s Foot is. Davian goes into total bad-ass mode, and basically says man, I’m gonna find your wife, your girlfriend, whatever you got, and I’m gonna hurt her, bad. Then I’m gonna kill you. Ethan then threatens him with dropping him out of the plane, but decides against it. Once they’re on the ground and in transport, a drone, and helicopter show up, blowing the hell out of everything, and snagging Davian after a shoot out. Ethan then heads to the hospital to get his fiance, but she’s been nabbed, and Davian calls to say, hey, bruh, you have the location to the Rabbit’s Foot, as it was in the briefcase Davian had, so, you get your wife back, and I get the Foot. Oh, and it turns out the lead dude, Brassel, a big time cat at IMF, is in bed with Davian, as the female agent who died in the beginning had sent Ethan an encrypted message, stating that she found out Brassel is in communication with Davian.
Welp, the Agency is after him now, because he did some rogue shit, and while they capture him, he’s able to escape with relative ease, and heads to Shanghai. They find out the RF is in a highly guarded lab, which Ethan has to access via the roof. He does so by basically bungee jumping. He gets the RF, calls Davian, and they meet up. But first Ethan tags it, and lets his CO know. Whom they’re portraying as Ethan’s friend, but I believe he’s the guy that’s actually in cahoots with Davian. We then flash to the scene from the beginning, and sure enough, his CO is the bad dude hanging with Davian. He’s basically done all of this so he can work with Davian and find out who all his bad dudes are. Oh, and Julia, Ethan’s fiance, the woman shot wasn’t her, it was Davian’s head of security, who fucked up.

Naturally, Ethan escapes, finds Julia, and has it out with Davian. He can barely stand due to the pain, but he goes full Muay Thai on Davian and elbows the fuck outta the guy repeatedly until they’re rolling in traffic, and Davian takes a truck to the head. I would have no sold it. So, he comes back in, free’s his wife, and then electrocutes himself in order to kill the charge, however, he also dies. In order to rectify that, his wife has to preform CPR on him after she takes out a few bad guys. I imagine my girlfriend would probably just wait until a smidge, just a dusting, of brain damage kicked in before bringing me back, as some payback for something Phoenix Marie related.
In the end, it’s a happy ending, and we never even learn what the RF is. I can dig it.

MAN MOVIE TALLY:
1-Liners: 0
Guys Beat Up: 1
Guys Killed: 14
Swear Words: 3
Boobies: 0
Explosions: 1111
Chase: 3
Broken Bones:
Fight/Shoot-Out At Motel?: Yes
Guy Get Girl? Yes
Guy Smoke?: No

MAN FACTS:
The crowds were getting so big while they filmed in Rome, that they set up a fake shoot down the street, with chicks in bikinis and such.

Once Shaun of the Dead was a hit, Pegg was asked if he was going to pursue a career in Hollywood, he laughed, and said “it’s not like I’m going to star in Mission Impossible III”.

Scarlett Johansson was originally cast in Keri Russel’s role.

This here is copy & pasted from IMDB:
“To promote the film, Paramount rigged 4,500 randomly selected Los Angeles Times vending boxes with digital audio players which would play the theme song when the door was opened. The audio players did not always stay concealed, however, and in many cases came loose and fell on top of the stack of newspapers in plain view, with the result that they were widely mistaken for bombs. Police bomb squads detonated a number of the vending boxes and even temporarily shut down a veterans’ hospital in response to the apparent “threat”. Despite these problems, Paramount and The Los Angeles Times opted to leave the audio players in the boxes until two days after the movie’s opening. “

C’MON BENNETT, LET’S PARTY!:
For the longest time, I said this was my favorite Mission Impossible. When I first saw it, I remember just loving the hell out of it, and thinking Phil was a total bad-ass. Having re-watched it, well, it’s not my favorite anymore. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a solid movie with worthwhile characters, acting, and some great action sequences, but it’s all a bit hollow. I mean, there hasn’t been a McGuffin this obvious since the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. We never even find out what the hell Rabbit’s Foot is. It’s worth a watch, for sure, I just don’t hold it in as high a regard as I once did.
***1/2 Head-Butts out of 5

Any questions, comments, drunk-ramblings, feel free to send them my way, I always dig hearing from you, the beautiful people.
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