Movies & TV / Columns

The Man Movie Encyclopedia: Tribute To John Kreese

April 3, 2017 | Posted by Caliber Winfield


Greetings, all.

Now, while the title says Tribute To John Kreese, and yes it is, it’s more aptly titled:

John Kreese’s Guide To Raising Children.

But that title would be too obscure for the 411mania main page.

So, while I love this article series, sometimes I gotta break it up and do something off the beaten path. This week, we take a look at the greatest book on child rearing known to man, John Kreese’s Guide To Raising Children. What follows is all one needs to know about bringing up a child proper. So, if you haven’t had a child yet, you’ll know what to do. If you have a kid, no matter their age, you can correct how they’ve become by following these simple tips.

There have been many books, specialists, DRs, and After-School Specials on how to raise your dumb kid. Of course, none of it has worked, children are as stupid, obnoxious, and ill-behaved as ever. This is where John Kreese, founder of the Cobra Kai Dojo comes into play.

First things first, your child needs to understand how you operate. It needs to understand it’s boundaries. Your kid is probably gonna think they’re some sort of big shot, so make sure you bust them down a peg or two whenever. If you have a son, and he comes home with some girlfriend, thinking she’s all hot to trot, you tell him how you finger blasted his mom on the first date. That’ll show’em who the REAL stud is.

See, in the above photo Kreese is teaching that when our children see us, they should always see one of two things; a fist, or us screaming at something. The fist is a reminder that if they slip-up they can be punched in their sleep. Screaming will keep them sharp to the fact that if they slip-up they can be kicked in their sleep.

Now, before we continue we need to take an aptitude test, to find out if you’re a fit parent or not. There’s a good chance you’re not wearing a sleeveless karate gi right now, thus, you’re already unfit. But we’ll find out to what degree with this test. Choose either A or B:

Your son/daughter comes home with a 2nd place trophy [or 1st, whatever] or an A- . How do you handle it?

If you read that and immediately thought “A!”, then congratulations, you’re one step closer to being a worthwhile parent. If you read that and thought “Well, where are the other options?” then not only are you an unfit parent, but you should sterilize yourself by having someone deliver an E-Honda ‘Thousand Hand Slap’ to your groin.

A lot of books & specials that I’ve seen offer advice on what to do when children ask about sex. Yeah, that’s all well & good, but what about when your girlfriend breaks up with you, and then you’re riding your dirt-bike with your friends and see your ex enjoying the company of some other guy on a beach? I’ve checked around, and so many of these lame-asses say to respect your ex-girlfriend’s boundaries & privacy. However, if you’re under the tutelage of John Kreese, you know that both the ex and the new guy are purposely disrespecting you. Also, that going down there and giving this new guy the what-for is gonna turn your ex-girlfriend on like crazy. Not to mention the head-band you’re wearing. Kids don’t wear enough head-bands these days, Sensi Kreese feels.

There will also come a time when your lame-wiener child is going to start making friends. Kids have shitty taste, and will probably just choose a friend they have a lot in common with, and have fun with. Well, that’s bullshit. You need to look out for this kid’s future, so make sure he befriends a billionaire. Not just any billionaire, but one who in his spare time enjoys putting his multi-level, billion dollar company on hold so he can help them devise & act out a plan to get back at any senior citizens or teenagers who run afoul of your child’s plans to assault their kids in public. Make sure the guy has a pony-tail, as this will ensure maximum evil return on your child’s friendship investment.

You’re now some what equipped to have a child, although you probably still shouldn’t. But if you insist, remember to strike first, strike hard, no mercy.

Any questions, comments, drunk-ramblings, feel free to send them my way, I always dig hearing from you, the beautiful people.
Twitter: @CaliberWinfield
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I post almost daily with workout related stuff to help you cats out, along with what’s coming down the pike via the MME, and general pop culture from the 80s and 90s that I can’t seem to let go of.
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