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wrestling / Video Reviews

411 Video Review: 1996 Slammy Awards

June 23, 2002 | Posted by Bob Barron

Announcers are Vince and King. Host is Todd Pettengill.

Todd does an unfunny monologue.

Godwinns and Hillbilly Jim come out to present Best Buns.

Various supertars introduce it- Taker says: Nice ass uhhhhhhhh. Hilarious

Nominees: Goldust, Sunny, HBK, Yoko, Razor Ramon

Who Should Win: Sunny

Phineas has trouble reading it

And the 1996 Slammy for Best Buns goes to: Sunny.

Sunny is showing mega-cleavage. King: She has nice buns and nice uhhhhh shoes. Sunny teases showing off her ass as the Godwinns check her out.

Our nice presenter received a lone from Steve Forbes so he could back in the presidential race- Million Dollar Man Ted Dibase and Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Austin looks so bored. The nominees for best Slammin’, Jammin’ entrance are-

Duke Droese introduces it and dances. Tool.

Nominees: Diesel, Bret Hart, HBK, Taker, Goldust

Who Should Win: Goldust

And the 1996 Slammy for best Slammin’, Jammin’ Entrance goes to: HBK

Goldust is pissed he lost. HBK: First of all I’d like to thank the Academy. But I think who I need to thing is the Kliq. And as they say if you’re gonna talk the trash you gotta strut the stuff. (He also teases his WM entrance)

Billionaire Ted’s Wrasslin War Room- Hey its Vince Russo. They’re trying to come up with a new slogan. They make fun of Hogan and Savage’ steroid use. Pot. Kettle. Black.

Our next presenters are some toy maker and Mr. Bob Backlund. Backlund busts out the big words. The nominees for Put a Fork In Him He’s Done

Sunny introduces it.

Nominees: Bret Hart’s Sharpshooter, Undertaker’s Tombstone, Diesel’s Jacknife, Ahmed’s Pearl River Plunge, Yokozuna’s Banzai Drop

Who Should Win: Sharpshooter

And the 1996 Slammy for Put a Fork In Him He’s Done Award goes to: Sharpshooter

Bret comes out and reflects on his year saying its been tough. Gotta love the shoot comments. Stu, Helen and Diana the Whore are here. King makes the jokes. Bret predicts victory tomorrow. King: At least his tuxedo matches his face. Both ugly.

Todd comes out and shows us Tell Me a Lie a nominee for Best Music Video. It shows clips of The Rockers, WM XI, IYH IV, Shawn with Diesel, IYH II, WM X, Summerslam 92, September 11th RAW, Summerslam 95, the collapse and various HBK clips. Good video, horrible song.

James E. Cornette and Clarence Mason come out to present Crime of the Century. Cornette: The winner should be Todd Pettingil for singing.

Bulldog, Jake, Perfect, Cornette and Mason intro it,

Nominees: 1-2-3 Kid’s fast count, Sid attacking HBK, Vader bombs Gorilla, Diesel repeatedly jacknifing Bret, Owen taking credit for HBK’s collapse

Who should Win: Vader

And the 1996 Slammy for Crime of the Century goes to: Vader

Gorilla looks upset. Cornette cuts a promo for Vader.

Billionaire Ted’s Wrasslin Room. He wants more action- Huckster can’t do a Razor’s Edge, Nacho cant do a PRP or Jacknife. They can’t climb the ropes, all they can do is flex and do their hand movements.

Three stars of Pacific Blue come out to present. The guy challenges anyone to fight the girls and plugs his show and to present New Sensation of Squared Circle.

HHH, Cornette, Bret and PS intro next award.

Nominees: Isaac Yankem, Ahmed Johnson, Bodydonnas, Savio, Goldust

Who should win: Goldust

And the 1996 Slammy for New Sensation of the Squared Circle goes to: Ahmed Johnson

Ahmed talks about the New Generation, the people and his suit. He disses WCW (Vince: Uh-oh) Ahmed needs a translator.

Billionaire Ted (trying to sign George Foster) comes out to present I’m Talking and I Can’t Shut Up and gets booed. Usual dissing of WCW follows.

Backlund, Yankem, King and Yoko intro.

Nominees: Dok Hendrix (w/mullet), Brother Love, King, Cornette, JR

Who Should Win: Cornette

And the 1996 Slammy for I’m Talking and I Can’t Shut Up goes to: King

Ahmed Johnson is so dumb he thinks Thomas Jefferson is married to Weezy. King gets cut off.

Billionaire Ted bought himself a lot of stuff. Why can’t he buy the WWF? Why is their wrasslin’ worse? Cause of Mean Gene, Macho and Hogan.

Todd introduces Vatal and some other guy.

King, George Seele, Snake, Piper intro.

Nominees: Ted Dibase, Goldust, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, HBK and Perfect

Who Should Win: Perfect

And the 1996 Slammy for Best Threads goes to: HBK

Triple H is pissed. HBK gives his award to the one who dresses him.

Vatel and other guy stay to present Blue Light Special

HBK, HHH, Bret and Taker intro.

Nominees: Cornette, Harvey Wippleman, Henry Godwinn, Brother Love and Dok Hendrix

Who Should Win: Cornette

And the 1996 Slammy for Blue Light Special goes to: Cornette

Cornette goes up and does a lengthy rant. Thank you very little, you’re welcome even less.

Billionaire Ted buys old assets and repackages. He even bought old rasslers- He’s tired of stealing old ideas. Not even Russo can come up with a new idea. Scheme Gene’s idea is too hot for television and you have to call his hotline.

Todd tells us Bob Dole isn’t here- couldn’t balance Slammy on his pencil. He intros Goldust whose seen Birdcage sixteen times and is here to present Greatest Hits.

Dok, JR, Savio, and Larry Fling intro.

Nominees: Double J using his guitar on Ahmed, Diesel throwing Bret into table, Yoko double Banzai drop, HHH dodges dumpster, Taker sucking Diesel into abyss

Who Should Win: Diesel throwing Bret into table

And the 1996 Slammy for Greatest Hit goes to: Taker.

Goldust and Marlena leaving cause Todd to announce. Damn- Taker and Paul are weird.

Todd intros You Start Fire- Hitman’s music video. We get clips of KOTR95, SurS95, Bret on Lonesome Dove, and Bret with the fans. Eh video, eh song.

Todd brings out Rod Burns, president of USA Network to present Mind behind the Mayhem.

Bodydonnas, Golust, Billionaire Ted, Nacho Man intro.

Nominees: Paul Bearer, Cornette, Ted Dibase, Sunny, Fuji

Who Should Win: Sunny

And the 1996 Slammy for Minds Behind the Mayhem goes to: Sunny

Cornette throws stuff. Clarence Mason will bring in more witnesses then Jehova. Sunny’s cleavage- oooooo yea. Sunny flirts with the president. Camera zooms on Sunny’s cleavage.

Billionaire Ted announces he isn’t a hillbilly. He refuses to answer various questions. Most of them are whining by Vince. Huckster: It’s in my contract that I never lose!

Todd brings out Vince who gives the lifetime award to Classie Freddie Blassie and we get a video package. Blassie gives a great emotional speech about his career. Gorilla, Chief Jay Strongbow, Pat Patterson, George “The Animal” Steele and Arnold Skaaland look touched as Blassie talks about his charity work. “Thank you- I love each and everyone of you”- God Bless Blassie.

We continue with the press conference. Isn’t it true your rasslin company has lost tons of money costing your stockholders money? Power, money motivates me. Damn- this one was pretty mean spirited- especially when they talk about his dad.

The Bushwhackers come out and do the Bushwhacker walk to present Most Embarassing Moments. They compliment each other and Butch stuffs food in his face and then they lick each other.

Dok, Hunter Hearst and Ted intro.

Nominees: HOG slops Dibase, Kid dons diaper, King kisses own foot, Skip loses to Horowitz, HHH going into the hog pen

Who Should Win: Skip losing to Barry

And the 1996 Slammy for most embarrassing moment goes to: King for kissing his own foot.

King falls going to the steps as everyone chants Burger King. King’s mike gets cut off as he’s about to diss Vince. Todd puts a sign on his book saying Burger King. A comedy bit involving the mike with Todd and King occurs.

We get an ad for the Blowaway Buddy Rose diet. Yes this did make wrestlecrap.

Billionaire Ted is on Larry Fling Live. Damn- get Norm to do a Larry impression. Larry watched IYH with DeNiro and loved it. Randy from Sarasota calls in: He has a hair problem. Terry from Tampa calls in: He’s been hit by a high heel shoe and needs Monday off. Jane from Hanoi calls in: She says something and gets cut off. Larry starts making Ted uncomfortable. Apparently Hogan’s salary is charged to other profitable divisions and that he keeps WCW losses from stockbrokers. One of his financiers is a convicted stock swindler. Damn- these were mean.

Triple H is out to present Squared Circle Shocker with his lady friend. He says he has the biggest balls in his ballrooms.

Yoko, Barry, Austin, Paul Bearer and Goldust intro.

Nominees: Backlund declares candidacy, Horowitz wins, Goldust’s premiere, Kid sells out, HBK collapses

Who Should Win: HBK collapses

And the 1996 Slammy for Squared Circle Shocker goes to: HBK collapsing

Triple H announces the real winner as his friend Owen. Owen looks absolutely ecstatic- its just too funny. Owen has a hilarious acceptance speech saying he did it all by himself. He claims he’s the best there is, best there was, best there ever will be. Bulldog looks to be in hysteric.

Todd: Stu and Helen its not your fault- anyone can have a bad night.

Perfect comes out to an awesome rock version of Exodus as King notices the sign on his back. Perfect says he’s gonna kick ass if people don’t leave him alone about a comeback and he’s hear to present Master of Mat Mechanics.

King does intro.

Nominees: HBK, Bulldog, Bret, Owen, 1-2-3 Kid

Who should Win: Bulldog

And the 1996 Slammy for Master of Mat Mechanics goes to: HBK

HBK asks him when he’s coming back just to be a dick. HBK decides to give this award to the person whose spent the most time on the mat with him: Sunny. Hey- I thought that was Bret who fucked Sunny. He decides to give the award to that dirty old Mexican (Owen’s words, not mine) to Jose.

Larry Fling Live with Nacho and Huckster. The graphic reads: recently injured by Ladies shoe. Fling: First of all how’s Liz? Both: She’s not so great. (Both stare) Hilarious. They left the WWF cause they’re old. Billionaire Ted joins us from Atlanta. Jane is fine, Larry disses both wrestlers. Huckster tries to hit Larry with a chair but he waves a shoe at him. Billionaire Ted promised Nacho he’d win. Nacho makes fun of the fact that they give Huckster’s merchandise away. TAG!

Todd is back with Dok whose hear to present

Sunny, Dok, Bulldog intro.

Nominees: Bret Hart ‘You Start a Fire’, Ultimate Warrior, Shawn Michaels ‘Tell Me a Lie’, Sunny, Jeff Jarrett ‘With my Baby Tonight

Who Should Win: Hmmmmmmm I’d say Jarrett for the hilarity.

And the 1996 Slammy for Best Music Video goes to: Bret Hart ‘You Start a Fire’

Sunny’s breasts are pissed. Bret brings his kid with him. Bret denies retirement rumours and wonders what the hell he’d do without the WWF. Well be a bitter old man. He wonders what WWF would do without him: Well watch post-WM until night after Buried Alive. King calls Hart family ‘dysfunctional’. King: prophet. Bret disses him over the Syracuse incident. King: Hitman, next time you’re out shopping- buy your kid a personality.

We get a disclaimer to start that these are real quotes. Billionaire Ted is on TV trivia. All the quotes on this show are said by Billionaire Ted. This is the funniest and most mean spirited. Huckster isn’t here- he got handcuffed to the ropes. Nach flirts with ladies and gets knocked out with a shoe.

Terri, Owen, Sunny, Bill Clinton intro

Nominees: LT v. Bam Bam WMXI, Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Henry Godwinn- Hogpen match IYHV, Bret v. Diesel- Survivor Series 95, Fink v. Wippleman- Tuxedo Match RAW, HBK v. Razor- Ladder Match- Summerslam 95

Who Should Win: Bret v. Diesel- Survivor Series 95

And the 1996 Slammy for US West Match of the Year goes to: Shawn Michaels v. Razor Ramon- Ladder Match- Summerslam 95

JR presents the award. Razor is in rehab so HBK accepts. HBK disses Bret- no shock there.

Scheme Gene is in the control centre hyping Nacho v. Huckster. Stipulation- No handcuffs or ladies shoes allowed. We get a look at both guys training. Billionaire Ted is special guest ref. Call the hotline at 1-900-Lying Baldy

Todd intros Gorilla Monsoon- Bret Hart wins the award for most likely to be Hall of Famer. Yea- that’ll happen. Bret lays in one more diss for HBK.

Piper comes out with Colt. He disses Goldust and is here to present Leader of the New Generation. Piper is a whacko.

Bodydonnas, Huckster, Backlund, Ted intro.

Nominees: Diesel, Bret, HBK, Razor, Taker

Who Should Win: Bret

And the 1996 Slammy for Leader of the New Generation goes to: HBL.

Damn might as well paint a big neon sign saying HBK is gonna win.

HBK gets cut off. End of Show.

The Bottom Line- Well this was entertaining way to spend two hours. Nothing spectacular but Sunny looked wicked hot and it was funny for the most part. The stuff with Blassie was great, But don’t like buy it or anything just rent it.

Mildly Mild Recommendation

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Bob Barron
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