411 Video Review: Slammy Awards 97

We get a little video package to start. King and Vince are hosts. This was done the weekend of Wrestlemania 13/

Todd Pettengil introduces Ahmed Johnson. Can’t understand a word he says.

New Sensation of the Squared Circle

Nominees: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Marc Mero, Flash Funk, Mankind, Rocky Maivia

Who Should Win: Austin

And the 1997 Slammy for New Sensation of the Squared Circle goes to: Rocky

Ahmed teases naming Austin, Rocky gets booed. Ha-ha. Rocky bores me to tears which is odd to see- he dedicates it to his father. Well that’s nice.

Todd the Smartass comes out and says Austin finished second. Austin goes up and verbally kills Rock. With that murder out of the way he goes to dissing Bret and says he will feel the wrath of Austin 3:16. He then threatens Ken Shamrock. Wrestlemania 13- Austin 3:16 will set the world on fire.

Honky Tonk and Cindy Margolis come out to present Best Dressed. He mispronounces her name. Honky’s outfit is just too funny. Of course HTM mentions being Greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time.

Dressed to Kill.

Nominees: Shawn Michaels, Sable, Marlena, Flash Funk, Taker

Who Should Win: Flash cause he looks like a pimp

And the 1997 Slammy for Dressed to Kill goes to: Sable

Sable looks ugly. I’m serious. She thanks the McMahons, two years later she’d be suing them. She says 97 is gonna be the year of the Cat. Actually it was 98 but nice try.

Todd intros us to superfans George and Adam. They act all geeky and stupid.

Tattoo You

Nominees: Drew Barrymore, Crush, Shawn Michaels, Taker, Tommy Lee

Who Should Win: Taker

And the 1997 Slammy for Tatooo You goes to: Taker

Taker takes a long time showing up and even then the lights go out. Taker has a cool guitar version of his music. George wets his pants and King does that annoying laugh. Taker cuts a whacked out promo- I wonder what he was on.

It took him a bit but King compares one of his tattoos to Helen Hart.

Todd hypes Miss Slammy. Tracy and Nadine, the Funkettes, come out. They dance as no one cares.

The NOD arrive as Doink is here. Vince mentions them chanting Kill the Clown and they do just that. Jim Ross comes out but not to Boomer Sooner. JR disses WCW.

1996 Match of the Year

Nominees: Shawn Michaels v. Mankind from Mind Games, Bret v. Steve Austin from Survivor Series, Undertaker v. Mankind from Summerslam, Savio Vega v. Steve Austin from Beware of Dog, Shawn Michaels v. Bret Hart from Wrestlemania XII

Who Should Win: Tough call but I’ll say Bret v. Austin

And the 1997 Slammy for Match of the year goes to: Bret v. Shawn. Yes- pick the next to worse match

Damn what a shitty choice. Bret looks pissed having to be on the same stage as HBK. HBK: I won this match. Bret thanks his fans and mentions HBK losing his smile. He brings up Austin as well.

King disses Helen Hart. Todd brings out Legion of Doom. They’re still wearing the facepaint. Hawk bombs on stage telling jokes about the guy who wet himself.

Best Hair Day

Nominees: Shawn Michaels, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mankind, Bret Hart

Who Should Win: Triple H

And the 1997 Slammy for Best Hair Day goes to: Triple H

Funny line by Cornette: I think Bret got screwed by his hairdresser. Doink has some tomfoolery with the super soaker. Triple H says nothing of note.

Todd comes out and for Miss Slammy Marlena guesses cigars by smoking them while blindfolded. This is bizarrely hilarious, made that much more by Goldust.

Sunny (no cleavage) and Captain Lou Albano come out to present Screw Loose. Lou cuts a rambling, incoherent promo. Sunny hypes her in a swimsuit.

Loose Screw

Nominees: Sycho Sid, Mankind, Kramer, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mr. Bob Backlund

Who Should Win: Mankind

And the 1997 Slammy for Loose Screw goes to: Mankind

Mankind celebrates with Headbangers and goes up with Paul Bearer. Paul says some crazy stuff, Mankind thanls his inspiration someone whose been like a father to him- Aldo Montoya. Damn- that’s funny. He claims this is the proudest moment save for his kids birth and says: YO ADRIAN! Mankind hugs Al Snow.

Owen Hart comes on stage and takes the slammy and just celebrates on stage. Hey Bulldog- you may have two titles but you don’t have two slammys! Owen calls Vader a loser. Owen gets in Vader’s face and pushes a waiter onto him. Vader slips and chases Owen. Vader is trying not to lose it.

More Miss Slammy talent stuff- Sable’s is her doing karate.

King and Vince hype swimsuit competition. Todd intros us to “Double J” Jessie Jammes who sings Something’s Gone Wrong. Well that went on too long.

Jumping John McNally and Dok Hendrix come out. Dok questions him on his song not being on album as they chant kill the clown.

#1 With a Bullet

Nominees: Double J “Will my Baby Tonight, Taker “Entrance Theme”, Nation of Domination “Entrance Music”, Flash Funk “Entrance Music”, Sunny “I Know You Want Me”

Who Should Win: NOD

And the 1997 Slammy for #1 With a Bullet goes to: Taker “Entrance Theme”

They keep chanting Kill the Clown. Taker: The clown’s gonna need an Undertaker real soon.

It’s time for the Swimsut Competition. Here comes Sunny!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh. my. god. I give it: *****.

Triple H comes out and announces he’s withdrawn Chyna. God bless Triple H.

Funkettes come out. Eh. ** George likes it. Todd says he’s like an Oreo Cookie.

Terri comes out. Nice cleavage, not much else. **1/4

Sable is out next. Vince: Un-believe-able. ****3/4.

Pillman comes out and rambles. He says: suck ass. He calls Ahmed “Unlce Tom” and mocks Rocky.

1,2 He Got Him

Nominees: Sweet Chin Music, Wild Thing, Powerbomb, Stone Cold Stunner, Sharpshooter

Who should Win: Wild Thing

And the 1997 Slammy for 1,2 He Got Him Award goes to: Sweet Chin Music

HBK goes up and keeps acting like a prick towards Bret.

Todd brings out King and Vince to present Best Couple.

Best Couple

Nominees: Goldust and Marlena, Bill and Hillary, Marc Mero and Sable, Triple H and Chyna, Seigfriend and Roy

Who Should Win: Goldust and Marlena

And the 1997 Slammy for Best Couple goes to: Marlena and Goldust

Marlena and Chyna gross us out for a bit.

For Talent Competition we see Chyna lift weights, and Sunny be hot.

Mancow and Backlund come out and argue.

Larry Flynt Freedom of Speech Award

Nominees: King, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Paul E., Faarooq and Howard Stern

Mancow and his posse just go off on Howard and Bob gets into it with his posse. Ummmm this is getting out of hand. You can tell its real cause King tries to make sure he doesn’t kill them. Bob just starts rambling.

Who Should Win: Paul E

And the 1997 Slammy for Larry Flynt Freedom of Speech Award goes to: Austin

Austin comes out, says they’re running low on time so he’s just gonna bottom line it. Austin says at Bret he will expect his all and give his all. Austin says it wont be over until Bret is at home in Calgary watching him every night. I guess Stone Cold won. Doink sprays him with silly string so Austin and everyone kick his ass.

Todd intros Gorilla and Sycho Sid who give the lifetime achievement award to Arnold Skaaland. We get a video package. Arnold is right near where I’m from. Cool. Everyone chants his name and he goes up and gives a nice speech.

Miss Slammy goes to Sable. Two words: Bull. Shit.

Hmmmmmm- something must’ve gone wrong cause Vince and King just ramble on for a bit and the show ends.

The Bottom Line- Well this show was pointless except for Mankind and Sunny in a swimsuit but you can see that stuff other places. The 96 Slammys were entertaining and had that tribute to Blassie while this had nothing.

Strong Recommendation to Avoid