411’s NWA: TNA Report 01.08.03

– Hey everyone. Long time no see. With the two-week hiatus of NWA-TNA, so went a two-week hiatus for me. I got really busy with the holidays, work, writing for other websites, and being in a band. So here I am ready to pick up where we left off two weeks ago. A shout out goes to Ben Demers who sent me quite a bit of interesting stuff regarding Vince Russo over the weekend. I’ll be delving into that in my TNA Rewind this weekend.

– One more thing before I get into anything, if any of you like free independent music and think mp3.com is as evil as I do, check out www.epitonic.com and enjoy their insane amount of free music. I know I do.

– Show opens in a black and white montage of the birth of Sports Entertainment Xtreme.

– Live from the TNA Asylum.

– In the ring its Mike Tenay with the past, present, and future of wrestling. The past: Sara Lee and Jeff Jarrett’s grandpa. The present: Jerry Lynn, The Truth, and America’s Most Wanted. The future: er… some jobbers who set up the ring. Mike Tenay cuts a really awesome promo about the cycle of professional wrestling and how passing torch and tradition is what keeps the business alive. Vince Russo comes out with S.E.X. and makes fun of everyone. According to Russo, evolution is the solution. As usual a big brawl ensues. Jeff Jarrett and the Road Warriors run in and clean house on everybody.

– Opening match: Kid Kash & EZ Money vs Tony Mamaluke & David Young
Well it’s nice to see someone caught on and decided to pair up the two wrestlers with the ring names that related to money. Mamaluke and Young are a mutt tag team if I ever saw one though, but sometimes that’s usually what works. Observe Booker T & Goldust over on that other show, I forget what it’s called. Both teams have obviously never teamed up together before as we get a lot of awkward double team moves especially from the Kash Money Millionaires. David Young tags in and hits some botched power moves and looks way less impressive in this match than he did in the Gauntlet for (the Shot at) the Gold a few weeks back. Lots of old school heel tactics from Mamaluke and Young but this match just doesn’t really click at any point. It comes to a merciful end at around 5:22 when David Young hits one of the ugliest spinebusters you’ll ever see on Kash for the pinfall victory. 1/2* Both of these teams need some time to gel, I suppose.

– Afterwards, we get a total beatdown for all four guys from Christopher Daniels, Elix Skipper, and Low Ki who are now apparently collectively known as Triple X. XXX continues the beating until Jeff Jarrett comes out again and throws out a challenge to defend his title against all three of them in consecutive singles matches later in the show. XXX accepts.

– Backstage, Goldylocks is with Bullet Bob. Bullet Bob talks about graham crackers and how we should all go to mp3.com and download music by The Fugue. That Bullet Bob never makes much sense, does he?

– X Title Match: Sonny Siaki (w/ Desire) vs Jason Cross
Apparently that mysterious woman with the large breasts that has been helping out Sonny Siaki will now be known as Desire. Cross goes for it right away and hits Siaki with a big flurry of offense to start this thing off. Siaki regains control with a belly to belly suplex on Cross into the corner. The total non-stop action spills on to the outside where Desire interferes. Back in and Siaki hits a totally awesome pumphandle piledriver (if the WWE still allowed piledrivers that move would get stolen in a heartbeat, probably by Test who would then abandon it for the boot to the face within two weeks). Siaki goes for the Siakilypse but it’s blocked and the ref gets bumped. Cross get Siaki down and manages to nail the Crossfire (it’s a shooting star legdrop for the two people left who haven’t heard about this and for those of you who haven’t seen this move yet, you’re totally blowing it) but is pulled off his pinning attempt by Desire who crotches him on the steel ringpost. Siaki rolls up Cross for the cheapest win I’ve seen in a long time at 8:12. ** Match was pretty decent though and Siaki is slowly but surely showing me that he’s not just a Rocky ripoff with a bad case of the Justin Credibles.

– More chaotic in-between match brawling leads us too…

– Impromptu Tag Match: Jerry Lynn & The Truth vs Heavy D & B.G. James
OH NO!!! WHERE’S RON HARRIS?!?!? I thought you couldn’t have NWA-TNA without Ron Harris. Man, hats off to NWA for not canceling the show due to the mysterious disappearance of Ron Harris. After all, the show must go on. Big time ECW style brawl has everything but New Jack hitting people with Nintendos while “Natural Born Killaz” blares over the P.A. system. This match is such a waste of Jerry Lynn it’s not even funny. The match settles down and Jerry Lynn plays Spike Dudley to James and Heavy D’s Dudley Boyz. Lynn finally makes the hot tag to The Truth but this is spoiled by “Above Average” Mike Sanders coming into the ring and attacking The Truth to draw the DQ at 6:43. * Match was pretty bad but I can’t call something with Jerry Lynn in it a DUD.

– Mike Tenay has a sitdown interview with Percy Pringle. Pringle says he loves wrestling and sports entertainment and is conflicted. But look out, he may try to manage someone in TNA. Percy is oddly endearing and it makes me sad that he’s so morbidly obese. He should get that Al Roker surgery or something. Percy also reminds the fans that they should go to mp3.com and download music by The Fugue.

– Tag Team Title Match: The New Church (w/ the usual folk) vs America’s Most Wanted
This match has a no rematch clause, so this is the big blowoff to this long feud. Lots of brawling to start off as we segue right into a standard by-the-numbers tag team match. James Storm takes a crazy beating from both Brian Lee and Slash as he finally gets the hot tag to Chris Harris. Heel miscommunication sees Slash toss some powder in Lee’s face (I’m assuming before Lee can pull the chain out of his boot) as Lee takes a manly spear from Chris Harris for two. Storm comes in and locks Slash in the Sharpshooter. Mitchell comes in and hits Storm with the spike but Slash only gets two. Brian Lee grabs Chris Harris and goes for the Fake Undertaker Fake Tombstone but it gets reversed by Harris into his own tombstone for a two. Slash catapults Storm into a chair wedged in the corner for a two count as well. Finally, AMW get it together and grab Slash and nail him with the Death Sentence for the pinfall and the tag team titles at 14:14. *** Chris Harris and James Storm deserve a medal for the way they’ve carried this tag team division. Oh yeah, I suppose the tag team titles will do.

– Axe Handle on a Pole Match: Curt Hennig vs David Flair
Curt Hennig reminds us that not only did he take down Brock Lesnar on an airplane but he also impregnated all of Lesnar’s sisters as well as Lesnar’s mother. Well, he didn’t say that but I think he might as well because I’m getting really tired of Curt trying to get Vince to bring him back to the WWE so he can have a program with Brock Lesnar. I mean, that is so obviously what he’s going for with these promos. Let it go, Curt. You work for TNA now. It’s not so bad. Honestly, the WWE is doing a whole lot worse. I refuse to say anything about this match, by the way. It was two of the suckiest minutes I’ve seen in quite some time. That said, Hennig calls one of the ring boys (Chris Vaughn?) to fetch the axe handle for him for the cheap win at 2:30. DUD. That was a collosal waste of time.

– ATHENA REPORT: Athena has herself a little scuffle with Desire in the back.

– Don West continues his obvious crush on The Amazing Red going as far as to deck himself out entirely in red just to impress him. I don’t think it’s going to work, Don. Mike Sanders comes out and sets up Mike Tenay vs Vince Russo next week in a NO HOLDS BARRED SITDOWN INTERVIEW! That should actually be kind of interesting. Hey Vince, mention me on the air. I know how you love to make esoteric references to us internet geeks. I want you to say “go to mp3.com and download music by The Fugue” twice during your interview. It’ll be our little joke.

– NWA World Title Match #1: Jeff Jarrett vs “The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels
This match is sort of like an epic title defense by a babyface on fast forward. Jarrett is in peril but he manages to somehow score the pinfall after a so-so five minutes of in-ring action. *1/2 but too short to be something to write home about.

– NWA World Title Match #2: Jeff Jarrett vs “Prime Time” Elix Skipper
Similar than the match before except B.G. James attempts to join us on commentary. Don West’s headset seems to short out and it makes his voice sound like the vocals on a Lightning Bolt song. Jarrett once again scores a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it pinfall on Skipper. This time at 5:53. ** This one was a little better.

– NWA World Title Match #3: Jeff Jarrett vs Low Ki
Okay, now here we go! Low Ki tears up Jarrett like kleenex at a snot party right from the start. Jarrett goes for the Stroke but Low Ki counters with a sick kick to Jarrett’s head. Low Ki won’t let up and even locks Jarrett in a body scissors dragon sleeper. Jarrett gets a fist full of rope and the rest of XXX decides to interfere. Low Ki gets some quick kicks in on Jarrett but Jarrett sneaks in a low blow followed by the Stroke. Skipper and Daniels dive in and the match is thrown out at 8:08. **3/4 The match was obviously too short but that was the right decision as Low Ki is definitely a legit threat to Jarrett’s title now. I can tell Low Ki and Jarrett are going to have one hell of a match once they’re given their proper 20+ minutes.

– Afterwards, S.E.X. comes in and beats down on Jarrett. LOD comes back for more and Doomsday Devices for everyone. A.J. Styles runs in and attacks everyone and goes for Jarrett. Then out of nowhere, Dusty Rhodes runs in and cleans house with bionic elbows all around. Nice ending to a really good show.

– Hey, this storyline is definitely starting to work. Tenay’s awesome promo at the beginning really laid the ground work for TNA’s first full year as a promotion. Honestly, as long as they only bring in the older guys like Piper and Rhodes to pop the crowd and not to actually wrestle this thing will work. And man, they couldn’t be building up towards Jeff Jarrett vs A.J. Styles any better than they are. Hey Ben, I guess this isn’t WCW all over again after all. Really good show this week and more than worth the money. See in you a few for the Rewind.