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411’s NWA TNA Report 02.05.03

February 5, 2003 | Posted by Joe Somar

Our apologies to those of you who sent in recaps in hopes of replacing Joe Somar who has since told us that he will be able to maintain this spot. We appreciate everyone who contacted us about the spot!

– So it seems that my definition of retirement is the same one used by Terry Funk (and about 500 other wrestlers). Hey, this business is in my blood! My dad jobbed to “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka at the Palace Theater (it seats 500 people) here in the Bronx. It’s a furniture store now and I haven’t spoken to my Dad in about a year, but I think that alone qualifies me as second generation in this business. No? Oh well, nobody asked you. Until you’ve marked out for your own dad taking the Superfly Splash, you can’t call yourself a real wrestling fan! Just kidding folks. On a serious note, thanks for all the letters saying how much I would be missed. Those were the main reason that I decided to squeeze time to recap TNA for this fine website. Thanks to Widro and Ashish for being so understanding through all of this. And for those that are unhappy with me sticking around… MWAH! I love you too. Hate mail is better than no mail, I suppose.

– I also got a lot of e-mail about the Rewind. Yeah, I definitely plan on blowing the dust off the Rewind and bring it to the children. I’ve actually been working on one one and off for the last few weeks. Basically, I’ve tried to have tone down the cynicism in my recaps and enjoy the product. I also try to minimize the Russo slagging. I’ll explain my reasons for all of this in the next week or so. I swear.

– While I’m still yapping, I’d like to point out that TNA could make big money if they have Mike Tenay do an interview with Phil Spector. TNA seems to love shoot comments and nobody shoots better than Phil Spector. Wouldn’t it be kinda neat if he managed Malice. He could change his name to The Wall of Sound. I dunno, maybe it’s a good thing I don’t work for any major wrestling organizations.

– Live from the TNA Asylum.

– Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Don West.

– Larry Zbyszko is in the ring and he has the NWA title over his shoulder. Larry finally busts out with that tired-ass “game of human chess” analogy. Larry Zbyszko demands that Styles gets an NWA title shot from Jarrett. Jarrett comes out and tells Larry that this isn’t Disneyland, so he wants his NWA title back. Huh? Amazing exchange as Jarrett says he’ll take the title back “out of Zbyszko’s ass”. Zbyszko’s response, “My ass? Not out of my hands?” Brilliant. Styles comes out and Jarrett gets double teamed by Styles and Zbyszko. Jarrett gets the title back for a split second but immediately gets kidnapped by a large group in army fatigues. Tenay speculates that it’s S.E.X. But what if it isn’t, Tenay? WHAT IF IT ISN’T?! God help us all.

– Jorge Estrada vs The Gift
Glen “The Gift” Gilverdi is, of course, the former Disco Inferno. Mike Sanders joins us on commentary. We get some Wrestling 101 as Estrada and The Gift do it up WCW Saturday Night style. Glen still does the disco dancing, which is just kinda weird now. Sanders continously compliments The Gift on his character development throughout the match. The Gift misses the Village People’s Elbow and Estrada takes control. Estrada hits a somewhat wack backslide at 6:39 to take the win. 1/2* Yucky opener. The Gift strips Estrada of his Elvis suit afterwards. Apparently, S.E.X. only wanted the Flying Elvis gimmick and don’t really care much for Estrada.

– Vince Russo is in the ring in his army fatigues and ski mask. He welcomes the crowd to Operation S.E.X. Russo cares about Jarrett hence his kidnapping. Jarrett apparently has no character development. It’s up to The Gift to make sure that when they bring Jarrett back, he has some character. Dusty Rhodes comes out and lays some clubberin’ on everyone. Dusty Rhodes sticks around and calls out The Truth, Amazing Red, Jerry Lynn, and America’s Most Wanted. He tells to hold down the fort while he searches for Jarrett. Hmmm, I think the TNA Asylum will be just fine with Dusty.

– X Title Match: Sonny Siaki (w/ Desire) vs The Amazing Red
Siaki chases Red around and stumbles out of the ring. Red hits a big plancha on Siaki. Back in the ring and Red hits a sloppy headscissors takedown. Siaki takes control with a fallaway fireman’s carry slam. Siaki has some really flashy offense, but I really want to see him string it together into a cohesive match. We get some bearhug action from Siaki about two and a half minutes into the match. Not exactly a good sign. Action spills to the outside and Red goes for a rana but Siaki catches him and uses his low half-giant swing right into the announce table. That was pretty cool. Back in and Siaki uses a surfboard on Red. Red rallies back but Siaki ends that with a superkick. Shawn Michaels immediately files a lawsuit against Siaki. Siaki tries a superplex and gets shoved off by Red. Tornado single-arm DDT gets two. Red hits his roll-through sunset bomb but Desire interferes and Siaki hits the Siakilypse but only gets two! Red rallies again and hits a standing moonsault for two. Red slowly climbs to the top and Desire tosses him off the top. Siaki hits the Siakilypse Now (pumphandle OwenDriver 97 for those who don’t know yet) for the pin at 9:01. **3/4 Match was way better than I expected but it got cut short just as it started to get exciting. Desire and Siaki beat on Red afterwards but Kid Kash and Trinity chase them off.

– Video package of Konnan’s assault of X division competitors from the last few weeks.

– Mike Tenay sits down with Konnan. Konnan runs down his extensive history in lucha libre. Konnan claims that the X division is a white-washed version of lucha libre. Konnan says latinos have no say in pro wrestling and TNA doesn’t want latinos running around stealing the show. I stop paying to this interview when I realize that the yogurt I’m eating is expired. I have to go vomit now. But hey, Konnan has a point about some of this stuff. Being a latino myself, I’m all for seeing some geniune luchadores in action.

– B.G. James vs Tenacious Z
As most of you know, Tenacious Z only has one leg. He lost it to cancer as a teenager and he’s only been a pro for a year. Z actually hits a dropkick and I’m not sure how. Z hits a leg lariot and a moonsault onto James on the outside and LANDS ON HIS LEG! HOLY SHIT!! James gets into his brother the refere and Z hits the roll up for the pin at 3:43. * Match didn’t do much but I am totally going to give props to Tenacious Z. I’m not going to lie, it was really inspiring to watch that kid in the ring. Raven comes out and assaults Z and tosses him to the outside.

– Raven calls out A.J. Styles and demands Styles gives back the NWA title. Raven cuts yet another killer promo. I hate to state the obvious, but if WWE would’ve just let Raven talk they would’ve made a ton of money off of him. Raven: “Styles, unless you’re a pussy of the greatest magnitude, you’ll bring me that title.” I love Raven. Raven and Styles have an impromptu bruhaha. Goddammit, why didn’t I check the expiration date on that yogurt? I’m not feeling so good. Raven flees with the belt but makes sure to break some of Styles’ fingers beforehand.

– Bullet Bob Armstrong speaks. My severe stomach cramps block out all sound.

– Four-Way Elimination: David Flair (w/ his sack) vs Jerry Lynn vs The Truth vs Mike Sanders
The Truth is announced as the former NWA World Champion. Now why doesn’t the WWE acknowledge past champions in ring introductions? If they would announce Kane as a former WWE champion, he’d have a lot more credibility. Well, that’s just my two cents. Lynn starts it out with Mike Sanders. Lynn tags out to Truth. The announcers play up the lack of communication between The Truth and Jerry Lynn. This match is pretty disjointed. David Flair pounds on Truth as I wonder if it’s fair to make someone earn the right to use their own last name. I really think David Flair should be called David Fliehr or something until he actually learns how to work a match properly. Jorge Estrada comes in and hits Mike Sanders with a nice-looking missile dropkick on Sanders and Lynn takes the pinfall for the elimination at 7:38. Lynn then reverses a figure four leglock for the pin at 8:40. Flair then grabs his sack and clubs Lynn. Truth hits a falcon arrow for the pinfall at 9:02. *1/4 Er… I hate David Flair.

– Desire (w/ Sonny Siaki) vs Trinity (w/ Kid Kash)
Again, no big secret that I’m a Trinity mark but it’ll take a miracle to pull a good match out of Desire. Well at least, Jackie Gayda and Linda Miles are nowhere to be seen. This is your standard women’s match right here. Nothing too special. Desire takes control with lots of weak leg scissors and light stomps to the chest. Trinity rallies back but Siaki trips her up. Siaki assaults Trinity on the outside. Trinity hits a crisp Northern Lights suplex out of nowhere but only gets two. Trinity hits a moonsault for the pin at 7:58. *1/2 Match was definitely okay but it was way too long for what it was.

– Tag Title Match: Elix Skipper & Low Ki vs Disciples of the New Church (w/ James Mitchell)
Where’s Belladonna? I think she’d be more likely to pop the crowd than Mitchell. Oh well. I can see where they’re coming from with this match and I understand there’s only so many tag teams in TNA but I really think they would’ve benefitted more from having the SATs or Divine Storm in this match instead of the Church. But hey, I’ll see if they prove me wrong. The Church lay a massive ass-kicking on Low Ki and Skipper to start it out. This brawl is actually some legitimately wild stuff. I wish more guys would be this inspired during the brawl in the crowd portion of their matches. Match finally ends up in the ring and The Church teams up on Skipper. Skipper tags in Low Ki and he takes some punishment. Apparently, the tag team titles are held by all three members of XXX and you never know which two you’ll get. Thus far, I’ve only seen Skipper and Low Ki (the same combination that won it in the first place) defend the belts. It’ll be nice to Christopher Daniels in these matches from time to time and let Skipper and Low Ki get some singles matches with Jerry Lynn. The heels finally take control and beat on Slash in their corner. Slash finally rallies back as the crowd chants “Let’s Go Evil!” The crowd is eating this match up. Slash hits a helicopter release powerbomb and makes the hot tag to Brian Lee. Big brawl and a chair gets involved. The ref gets bumped and another ref enters. Slash hits a Final Cut on Skipper onto the chair for a two. HORRIBLE ENDING as Low Ki reverses a powerbomb attempt into a cradle as Slash hits a top rope neckbreaker. Then it gets really ugly as both referees wait for Slash to pin Skipper while they visibly glare at Low Ki holding Lee down for an eternity in this cradle. Slash finally pins Skipper and the referees look at each other and go down and do the synchronized three count while looking at each other at 15:41. CHRIST, that has got to be the worst finish I have ever seen in my entire life. The match actually ruled but, my god, that is less excusable finish I have ever witnessed. I’ll give this bad boy **1/2 as it loses an entire star for that horrid, horrid finish.

– The referees immediately decide to hold up the tag titles. America’s Most Wanted and The Harris Twins bumrush the ring and we get a long and boring brawl all over the arena with S.E.X. fighting basically everyone else in TNA. I’m pretty turned off by the show at this point. S.E.X. locks the entire TNA roster inside of the S.E.X. lockerroom. Russo comes down to the ring and calls the fans jackoffs. Finally Jeff Jarrett, dressed like one of the members of the S.E.X. Army, attacks Russo as the show thankfully comes to an end.

– Well, I try to keep a positive attitude about TNA as often as possible but I really didn’t like this show very much. Why do some many people get mic time when A.J. Styles and Raven had zero ring time? Look, I’m all for the S.E.X. storyline. But when the show ends in a long and boring brawling segment that serves no point when we DIDN’T get to see some of the better guys do what they do best in the ring, then I’m going to be unhappy. And honestly, that tag team title match ending was some of the worst crap I’ve seen in a long, long time. That said, I’m still very interesting in the S.E.X vs tradition storyline despite this week’s awful, awful show. I hope next week is a lot better than this was. Until then, I’ll see you all in a week.

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