411’s NWA TNA Report 04.02.03

– Oh yeah, I thought WrestleMania was highly mediocre. Not that any of you really care what I thought about WrestleMania. Too many non-wrestling segments is my main beef and I think most people agree that Limp Bizkit’s brand of totally extinct shit-rock and the Miller Cat Fight girls were humongous wastes of time that could’ve easily been allocated to Morley/Storm vs Kane/RVD and given to the way-too-short Matt Hardy vs Rey Mysterio and three-way tag title match. Oh well, onto some action that is non-stop in its totality.

– Your ratings system is:
A – Classic wrestling match.
B – Really well executed match.
C – Match was alright and stuff but not anything mind blowing.
D – Match was just not very good. But hey, it wasn’t a total waste.
F – Triple H vs Sean O’Haire in a Glass Ceiling Match.

– Live from the TNA Asylum.

– Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Don West.

– Glen Gilbertti kicks things off with a yackfest. Don’t you forget he’s a serious heel now, bitch. A.J. Styles comes in and he’s still pissed at Glen. Crowd brawling ensues and Glen whoops on Styles like the true badass that he is. Raven comes out and watches the hockey fight-like tussle. D’Lo Brown’s WCW Saturday Night-esque theme music cues up as I expect Mike Enos and Wayne Bloom to come bursting through the curtain. Everyone gets in everyone else’s face but nothing really happens.

– Mike Tenay is sitting down with Jerry Lynn and Konnan. They’re going to talk things out! That’s the kind of hot blowoff that Vince McMahon is too chickenshit to pull. If Triple H just sat down with Booker T and was all like, “Hey man, my bad. I think you’re totally rad. Let’s not fight anymore” I bet Raw would pop a 6.3 rating. Lynn and Konnan bicker about lucha libre and X division wrestling like middle-aged women. Konnan hands Jerry Lynn a chicken suit and Jerry Lynn gets an X title shot, possibly as a result of receiving the aforementioned chicken suit.

– Goldylocks is sitting down and chillin’ with Raven. He has a destiny you know. Raven is God… uhhh… I mean… good. Yeah.

– Brian Lawler vs “Wildcat” Chris Harris
The singles push continues for Wildcat. Lawler does his over-the-top hyena laugh schtick and it’s old right out of the gate. I like how he’s clinging to that Grandmaster Sexay persona for dear life though. Harris takes control with a flying lariot. Back and forth action and what not and it turns into a minor bruhaha. Wildcat hits a BADASS DDT followed by a spear for two. David Flair interferes but we get a bumbling heel spot that leads to another near fall. Wildcat hits the Catatonic but David Flair distracts the referee by threatening to wrestle a match. This allows Brian Lawler to hit the cliche belt shot for the cliche pinfall. Match was, like, okay and stuff. Lawler assaults Wildcat afterwards and nails him with the Tennessee Def Jam until Dusty Rhodes wobbles down to ringside to get the fake NWA title belt away from Next Generation. But he doesn’t get the job done.
Winner: Brian Lawler (7:20)
Grade: C

– Dusty Rhodes cuts a promo about Babe Ruth and how his favorite sitcom was The Jeffersons. Man, this guy must be one HELLUVA backstage leader because he’s just not doing it for me as an on-air talent anymore. But hey, I’m just one man and the crowd seems to be way into his promos so I’m not going complain too much. Brian Lawler is all like, “you’re fat and old” and Dusty is all like, “Bunkhouse Brawl?” and Lawler is all like, “Yeah okay, but next week in a ladder match so not a Bunkhouse Brawl” and Dusty is all like, “Yeah sure, I can totally climb a ladder that doesn’t defy gravity at all.” Long segment.

– Goldylocks is with Sandman and Saturn. They say Sports Entertainment isn’t Xtreme because Extreme already happened. They’ve got another ECW alumni in store for tonight. Just as long as it’s not New Jack…

– Alexis Laree vs Trinity
Alexis works this match as really agressive heel and keep Trinity ground with suplexes and stiff-as-fuck kicks. Alexis proceeds to CLOBBER Trinity with stiff forearm shots and tosses Trinity to the outside. Alexis is a ruling as an asshole heel in this match! Trinity just cannot get any consistent offense as Aleix PUMMELS Trinity. Raven and Kid Kash make their way down to ringside. Trinity, however, gets the fluke pinfall all the same. Really good match. Raven hits the Evenflow on Trinity and leaves with Alexis Laree. Kid Kash acts like an ass and doesn’t make the save. Really productive segment there.
Winner: Trinity (6:48)
Grade: B

– Goldylocks is with Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett acts all weird and what not. He even reprises his misogynist gimmick from his WWF days. With him using “Don’t Piss Me Off” last week it looks like running the gauntlet of his old gimmicks or something.

– Christopher Daniels & The Harris Twins vs Saturn, Sandman, & goddammit… New Jack
I so called it would be New Jack. Fuck New Jack. Well, the crowd seems to like him. Tenay connects the dots and realizes that everyone on the babyface team wrestled in ECW. That was for the two guys who couldn’t figure it out on their own. This is beneath Saturn and Daniels. Hopefully the Harris Twins will get Sandman and New Jack next week leaving Daniels and Saturn to have an awesome match without all the deadweight to ruin everything. Daniels and Saturn kind of get something going but it breaks down into the same brawl we’ve all seen before. Hopefully New Jack will totally miss a balcony dive and be out for eight months like he always did in ECW. The Disciples of the New Church come out and pummel everyone. Saturn finishes this piece of doo doo with a Death Valley Driver on one of the Twins for the pinfall. Afterwards, Mike “Bart Gunn” Barton assaults Saturn with some sick suplexes and a diving powerbomb. He’s wearing a S.E.X. shirt. Here’s hoping Dusty Rhodes doesn’t bring out Butterbean to take care of him.

– Kid Kash cuts a heel promo. But in a neat little bit of subtly, Chris Harris and James Storm are arguing with each other in the background.

– “The Ace in the Hole” Sonny Siaki vs David Young
This is one of those “valet gets handcuffed to the ringpost” matches. That’s old school. David Young goes right for Siaki and he’s a MANSION ENGULFED IN FLAMES! Siaki takes control with a release german suplex into the corner. Siaki then hits a split-legged moonsault (in those genie pants he wrestles in!) but doesn’t capitalize. David Young hits the Dave Batista Memorial Sitout Powerbomb but can’t get a pinfall. Siaki hits a spinebuster on Young for the ironic two-count. David Young comes back with the Siakilypse but no ironic pinfall for Young either. Siaki goes for a Magistral cradle but Young counters with a pin of his own. Match was okay and stuff.
Winner: David Young (4:30)
Grade: C+

– “Prime Time” Elix Skipper vs “The Truth” Ron Killings
Elix Skipper has the best entrance music in TNA. Really kick ass match that goes back and forth. Skipper wears Killings down but Killings come back to win with a Falcon Arrow from the middle rope despite interference from Christopher Daniels.
Winner: Ron Killings (9:00)
Grade: B+

– X Title Match: Kid Kash vs Jerry Lynn
Kash has held the strap for seven weeks and he comes to the ring with a slight limp due to hyper-extending his knee. Weird mixture of boos and cheers for BOTH guys. Huh? Chain wrestling kicks this sumbitch off. Kash plays heel pretty well and pounds on Lynn. Lynn takes control but symbiote costume-era Spider-Man’s third cousin attacks Jerry Lynn and Kash gets the pin. Match was a wee bit disappointing but still quite good.
Winner and Still X Champion: Kid Kash (11:38)
Grade: B-

– THE MATCH THAT IS THREE AND A HALF YEARS IN THE MAKING!

– NWA Title Match: JEFF JARRETT vs D’LO BROWN II
This is, of course, a rematch from SummerSlam 99 (a ***1/4 outing according to Scott Keith). Hopefully if D’Lo wins the belt he won’t pull the inverse of the aftermath of SS99 and hand the NWA title over to Mark Henry. That would totally blow. Match starts with a crowd brawl. This is more of a fight than a wrestling match at this point. D’Lo hits a DDT on the outside and rolls Jarrett back into the ring. D’Lo puts a sleeperhold on Jarrett. The ref raises Jarrett’s arm and I’M SHOCKED that he gets arm up on the third try. Never seen that. D’Lo hits the Stroek on Jarrett for the attempted ironic pinfall (a theme for tonight) but only gets two. And Jarrett hits the Sky High! Too bad, this already happened in an undercard match between David Young and Sonny Siaki earlier in the night, or else this would actually be kind of cool. Ref gets bumped by a cross body block of all things. Mike Sanders drops Jarrett with the NWA title belt while the ref is out. D’Lo gets a 2.99999999999 count. Sanders comes in and accidentally superkicks D’Lo and allows Jarrett to hit the Stroke to retain. Jarrett better be dropping that strap to Raven. Good match, irritating finish.
Winner and Still NWA Champion: Jeff Jarrett (10:00)
Grade: B

– Afterwards, Raven arrives with Alexis Laree and Jarrett hits Alexis with a steel chair. Some babyface you got there. Show ends there.

– Lots of talking and run-of-the-mill make this a pretty meh show. I’m not jazzed about New Jack at all but I did love the stuff with D’Lo, Jarrett, Elix Skipper, and The Truth. Not the best show but nothing too offensive either. Hey TNA, I still love ya! See you all in seven.