wrestling / TV Reports

411’s NWA TNA Report 04.09.03

April 10, 2003 | Posted by Joe Somar

– Better late than never, right?

– Check the archives if you don’t know my ratings system by now. I mean, it’s the A-F scale! What ISN’T rated like that?

– Live from the TNA Asylum

– Your hosts are Mike Tenay and The Cherry Plum Man.

– Opening Garbage Match: Sandman & New Jack vs The Harris Twins vs The New Church (w/ Father James Mitchell)
TNA has seemingly embraced the wild ECW style full-on with this one. I still hate New Jack but there’s a ton of energy in the ring and who can knock a cheese grater spot? Even if it is from New Jack. Sandman wears the maroon mask thanks to Heavy D as everybody tears everybody else up like kleenex at a snot party! New Jack hits the GHETTO BALCONY ELBOW on Slash prompting a “TNA” chant. You just need nice initials to chant, y’know. “WWE! WWE!” No way, dude. Plus what would prompt that? A 20-minute McMahon promo? Sandman is taken back to the ring by the Harris Twins and falls victim to the H-Bomb to end this fun little ECW nostalgia brawl.
Winners: The Harris Twins (8:20)
Grade: C+

– Goldylocks has a party with Bart Gunn, D’Lo Brown, and The Wildcat. It’s a real fun party.

– Some crap about NASCAR.

– Dusty Rhodes gets interrogated and during word association he drops a bomb: GOLDUST IS HIS SON! Also, the belly splotch was the mastermind behind the heinous electro-shock attack. It totally put Randy Orton and Batista up to that shit and roughed both of them up when they didn’t get the job done. You think I’m kidding? Do you see Orton or Batista on WWE TV? Point proven.

– Ladder Match: Dusty Rhodes vs Brian Lawler
This is for the metaphorical championship of the world. Rhodes and Lawler actually basically do a decent enough ladder match (face it, this gimmick needs to time to cool off… it’s getting mundane). Lots of CLUBBERIN’ from Dusty. Dusty grabs the WORLD’S TINIEST LADDER and proceeds to pound on Lawler with it. Bionic elbow OFF THE WORLD’S TINIEST LADDER!! I’m getting a kick out of that tiny-ass ladder, I won’t lie. Lawler decides to shatter Dusty’s dreams with a nutpunch and down goes the Dream. Lawler goes for the Tennessee Def Jam but totally misses, bro. Dusty then decided to do the impossible and actually climb a regulation-sized later. No dice says David Flair, who isn’t over anymore now that he doesn’t have that burlap sack. So who emerges to climb the ladder? NIKITA KOLOFF! He grabs the belt and hands it over to Dusty and they totally hug it up in a nice little moment. But Erik Watts was all like, “I think I’ll be taking that metaphorical world title belt” and he scrams with the gold in tow while Nikita and Dusty ponder giving Bam Bam Bigelow a call just for the hell of it.
Winner: Dusty Rhodes (8:20)
Grade: C (it was actually pretty entertaining)

– Chris Harris and James Storm argue and Mike Sanders shows them the proper way to confrotationally remove a jacket.

– Glen Gilbertti vs A.J. Styles
If Glen’s so serious, can he ditch the red and black flared tights? Get that boy some trunks. The match is pretty meh until Gilbertti gets the pin with his feet on the ropes. But then ref was like, “Oh wait, bro. Feet on the ropes!” Styles then hits the Styles Clash and IRONICALLY DRAPES HIS FEET ON THE ROPES to score the real pinfall. Gilbertti gives the ref a totally undisco ass-whooping after the match. Not exactly the hot blowoff I expected. Yeah, I expected one.
Winner: A.J. Styles (7:35)
Grade: C-

– Gilbertti and Sanders make up.

– Mixed-Tag Swerve: Sonny Siaki & Desire vs David Young & Athena
Okay, so basically Young makes a nonsensical turn on Athena right off hitting his little spinebuster thing on Athena and putting on a S.E.X. shirt. No match. This was real stupid, by the way. They have some ‘splaining to do now.

– “The Smokin’ Midnight Lefty” Bart Gunn vs Perry Saturn
This one kicked off in the back and made its way to the ring. Basically some stiff and brutal stuff from these two. Loads of suplexes and a NASTY cut opens above one of Saturn’s eyes. He’s a wearing the facial tampon as Gunn (ok ok, Mike Barton! Happy?) lays into Saturn even harder. Finally, Saturn hits some suplexes of his own and I’m loving it. Barton Gunn hits a nice variation of a jackhammer for two. Saturn hits a Spicolli Driver for two. Saturn then locks on a not-too-painful locking wristlock to get the anticlimatic yet still somehow refreshing submission victory on Mike Barton. More of these two. Seriously.
Winner: Perry Saturn (7:32)
Grade: B-

– The New Church uses some fire on New Jack and some canes on Sandman. They don’t like each other much I reckon. Oh man, you know what sucks? The guitar solo to “Trippin’ on a Hole in a Paper Heart” by Stone Temple Piots. Just thought I’d toss that out there.

– “The A-Game” Mike Sanders vs D’Lo Brown
Well D’Lo, I hope you didn’t get a concussion hitting that glass ceiling. This match had nothing until the end sequence which was some pretty shit-hot counter wrestling, but like, not enough of it. D’Lo hits the Sky High for the pinfall despite some interference from Sonny Siaki and Glen Gilbertti. S.E.X. does something resembling a beatdown afterwards. How does this help D’Lo? I guess I’ll have to wait and see.
Winner: D’Lo Brown (7:04)
Grade: C

– Kid Kash acts like a jerk to Trinity but isn’t a total heel just yet.

– Non-Title Match: Raven (w/ Aleix Laree and Julio Dinero) vs Kid Kash (w/ Trinity)
Raven is, of course, not an X division wrestler so the belt isn’t on the line. I dunno, Raven fits the X mold better than Sonny Siaki if you ask me. Kash hits a dive on Raven at ringside. He slipped on the top rope, but managed to recover somewhat decently and hits a nice little slingshot over the top rope instead. Back in he misses a flip splash onto Raven as Raven takes control of the match. He totally drives Kash’s head into the mat for two. Kash executed a huracanrana and a DDT his own near fall. Raven catches Kash in mid-air and SPIKES him with a powerbomb but can’t get the pinfall. Kash blows another spot and he proceeds to limp back to the ropes and makes a jump for it. Raven knocks him off balance and then attempts a superplex on Kash. Kash shoves Raven off the ropes and goes for a twisting moonsault, but Raven is all like, “No thanks, dude.” The crowd (and me) are loving this match. Trinity leaps off the top rope and ranas the poo out of Raven and follows it up with a superkick. Then she flips onto Alexis and Julio at ringside much like a ninja (who’s sole purpose in life is to flip out and kill people). Kash acts like a dick and sends Trinity off to the back and finds himself a victim of the Evenflow Effect DDT to end this nice little match.
Winner: Raven (7:25)
Grade: B

– Elix Skipper & Christopher Daniels vs Shark Boy & Jason Cross vs Jerry Lynn & The Amazing Red vs Chris Saban & Johnny Storm
So the winners of this elimination match will face each other for an X title shot. I do like the way TNA makes people earn X title shots but I sort of think this ought to be a tag team title match instead. But what the hell do I know? I don’t call these matches well. Shark Boy and Cross were the first team out after some interference from symbiote costume Spider-Man. Lynn takes out Saban & Storm next with his sweet variation of the TKO. It’s down to XXX and Lynn/Red. Don West is all like, “Best match ever!” as he usually does when Red is in the ring. Really, the match begins as the spotfest stuff dies off and everyone gets together and wrestles. Good stuff too. Match ends with a fluke rollup (mmmmmm… fluke rollup) from Red to give… uhhh… Red a match with Lynn. Yep.
Winners: Jerry Lynn & The Amazing Red (13:40)
Grade: B

– Main Event Interview: Jeff Jarrett does a nice job with his World Champion under too much pressure character and acts like a total paranoid ass. Raven comes out for some taunting and Dusty Rhodes accidentally gets CLUBBERED as a result.

– Okay enough show with the real MVPs being Saturn, Raven, Mike Barton, XXX, Lynn, and Red. Basically the usual suspects when it comes down to having some match quality. I’m just a little worried about the long-term direction but we’ll see how it goes. See you in seven.

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Joe Somar

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