411’s NWA TNA Report 11.26.03

NWA TNA WRESTLING — 11/26/03

— Happy Thanksgiving! TNA recapper Jack Daniels here. No “name of the week” to search for this week, faithful followers. It’s getting boring, and besides, Shane Charleson has gotten the correct answer two weeks in a row, signaling I’m losing my touch. And by now everyone has figured out my real name is Chico Ruiz, anyway.

— Samurai Cadaver Dogs update: The Dogs go into this week at 4-0, facing the streaky and mathematically inaccurate Four for Three team. Vladimir Radmanovic is so far scoring well enough to get his first name back. Unfortunately, Brad Miller seems to have remembered that he is, in fact, Brad Miller.

— Must also give props to Steven Randle for continuing the tradition of Thursday news reports noticing the fact that I exist, and to Smackdown! writer Michael Melchor, simply because if you piss off _That_ many people _that_ badly, you’ve got to be doing something right.

— Yes, I’m working on a little thing for 411Black, when it finally is unleashed upon an unsuspecting world. It is titled “Random,” and it will probably run on a once every 2 or 3 weeks basis.

— Recap of last week’s angle developments: Dusty Rhodes, after saving AJ Styles from a mass heel beatdown, made a lumberjack strap match between Dusty and Jeff Jarrett with the fans being lumberjacks, Raven broke Ryan Wilson’s arm and challenged the other Redshirts (Kevin Northcutt and Legend) to a handicap match, Sonjay Dutt got a surprise pin on X to win the Triple Chance Invitational tournament and a title shot against X-Division Champion Michael Shane, 3 Live Kru and Simon and Swinger pinned each other, vacating the belts and setting up a six-man tag for the belts between Gilberti, Simon and Swinger and 3 Live Kru, and Raven and the Gathering are on the verge of splitting up.

— And we’re ON A 7-SECOND TAPE DELAY from the TNA Monster Truck and Dog Show arena in Nashville, TN and my three-room triage center in Buffalo, New York. Tonight, I’m fighting through a painful strained forearm extensor, the result of trying to shoot a basketball for the first time in 6 months at my high school’s alumni basketball game. But I’m icing it, and the cortizone shot is helping. Anyone have Larry Pfohl’s phone number handy?

— Video recap of Jarrett and AJ Styles promos from last week, Jarrett trying to whip Jimmy Hart and AJ Styles making the save. Replay of AJ’s sweet no-hands senton plancha on Abyss, Abyss manhandling AJ, and AJ with the miracle roll-up victory. Post-match beatdown and Dusty’s save showed again.

— Jimmy Hart outside the asylum with the fans, Hart is picking out 10 fans to be lumberjacks for the JJ/Dusty match. The fans are chanting “Pick Me” with all the enthusiasm of North Korean farmers at a communist rally.

— TNA video open. Lack of creative signs in the crowd, but we did get a couple of nice shots of a cage dancer…

— Until Jeff Jarrett’s music hits, accompanied by his flunkies Don Callis and the Redshirts. Jarrett is turning into an upper-middle class Justin Credible. Jarrett’s in a bad mood, and he has three things he wants to discuss. Jarrett talking down Hogan again, says Hogan doesn’t have the guts to tell Jarrett that he’s going to get revenge face to face. Jarrett declares Hogan’s career finished, because Hogan doesn’t have the balls to show up. Jarrett demands a moment of silence for Hogan’s career. I’m kinda laughing at this. Jarrett wants a 10 bell salute for Hogan’s career… then cuts it off at 4. That was the weakest bell-ringing I’ve ever heard. Jarrett says he’s got the opportunity tonight to beat Dusty Rhodes and whip all the fans into a bloody pulp. Jarrett then puts out an ultimatum to all the TNA employees… they’re either with him, or against him. This brings out Erik Watts, pissing off Jarrett. Watts takes credit for the good surprises of the past few weeks, and calls Jarrett a dick and a jackass, letting the crowd finish off the ass part. Jarrett is asking who is telling Erik make those decisions, and Erik turns it into a “Why?” and this bring out Abyss and we have the beatdown (called as such by Tenay). AJ Styles, Raven and America’s Most Wanted come to make the save… you know, this could be built to a nice War Games down the line. Think about it.

— Hudson in the back with Gilberti, Young, Diamond and Swinger. Diamond says it’s a crock that Diamond and Swinger have to wrestle for titles that are rightfully ours. Diamond is the Blue Chipper, and Swinger is the difference maker. Swinger runs down AMW, and the heels walk off as Gilberti whispers something to David Young.

— Singles match: Kid Kash vs. Low Ki: Christopher Daniels at ringside on commentary. Daniels actually brings up the whole “Metamorphoses” thing, then blows it off. Hammerlock by Low Ki. Daniels runs down Sonjay Dutt as Kid Kash reverses to a wrist lock and Low Ki kicks them off. Kash with a knee and a snap mare and kick combo. Hammerlocks exchanged on the mat, then Kash reverses to a leg lock, which Low Ki gets out of with a _stiff_ kick. Kash ducks a kick to the head, then Low Ki kicks him in the stomach and baseball slides him, forcing him to bail. Kash tries to shoulder block Low Ki, but Low Ki kicks him in the head for two. Knee drop gets 2, _STIFF_ kick for 2. Stinger splash and double underhook suplex for 2. WOOOOOOOOO chop, then Kash reverses an Irish whip and hits an odd looking Fisherman’s neck buster for 2. Kash hits the chinlock, then pulls Low Ki’s nose. Full nelson camel clutch by Kash. Low Ki struggles out with some chops. Kash breaks out the AIRPLANE SPIN!!!! Both men exchanging chops in the ring, which Low Ki wins eventually, obviously. Jumping chop by Low Ki. Iron Octopus armbreaker by Low Ki. Another strong kick gets two. Big chop by Low Ki, then Kid Kash counters the Tidal Crush with a double boot and hits a nice double jump moonsault for 2. Low Ki reverses a rollup for 2. Kash with a double springboard headscissors for 2. Kash calling for the Money Maker, but Low Ki runs him into the corner and this time hits the Tidal Crush. Ki goes for the Ki Krusher, but settles for putting Kid Kash up top. Low blow by Kid Kash, Kash goes for a top rope powerbomb, and FOR THE PISSING PUKING LOVE OF GOD! Top rope hurricanrana by Low Ki with Kash STANDING on the top rope! Kash bails, Low Ki tries to follow, but is distracted by Daniels, allowing Kash to get a shot in. Kash back in, Daniels rolls Low Ki in, and Kid Kash with a rollup with the tight grab for 3! WINNER: Kid Kash. Daniels and Low Ki argue post match. Don Harris meets Kid Kash on the ramp, but Kash gets an eye gouge and runs.

— Scott Hudson in the back with Don Callis, the Redshirts and Abyss. Shark Boy versus Abyss, and the Redshirts talk down Raven. Legend isn’t bad on the mic.

— Singles match: Shark Boy vs. Abyss: Callis firing up Abyss by showing him a picture of AJ Styles. Shark Boy tries a cross body, but Abyss doesn’t move. Shark Boy with a couple of dropkicks, and Abyss with the Gorilla Press flapjack. Open handed slaps by Abyss. Abyss with a running avalanche, and Shark Boy playing the role of tackling dummy here. Side slam by Abyss, and Abyss misses yet another mid-rope move, this time a legdrop. Shark Boy reverses a chokeslam into a tornado bulldog. Mounted punches and a shark bite. Shark boy tries for another roll up out of a powerslam, then bites Abyss on the ass and gets him down for 2! Abyss gets out of the Deep Sea Drop, Shark Boy gets out of the Torture Rack Drop, then Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam for the win. WINNER: Abyss. Post match beatdown on Shark Boy.

— Scott Hudson in the back with Raven. Raven isn’t scared of the Redshirts, because he put the New Church out of wrestling, and broke Ryan Wilson’s arm. Gathering tries to get a word with Raven, but Raven blows them off. I smell a Gathering heel turn.

— Recap of X dominating the triple chance invitational battle royal.

— Singles match: X vs. Chris Sabin: The redheaded cage dancer is the best one I’ve seen thus far. New music for Sabin. Not bad. Not terrific, but not bad. X throws Sabin off the lockup, then X shrugs off a couple of shoulderblocks, then just pounds on Sabin. Sabin with a kick to the gut, then puts X down with a dropkick. Springboard headscissors by Sabin, but X gets a chokebomb. Sabin reverses an Irish whip, but X comes out of the corner with a clothesline. X hangs Sabin across the top, and grazes him with a top rope legdrop. X hits the chinlock, then turns it into a crucifix. Sabin struggles out and hits a few chops and kicks, but X puts a stop to that real quick. Sabin dumps X, then flies off with a no-hands somersault springboard plancha. Sabin rolls X back in, then gets a springboard leg lariat for 2. X goes for the Execution, Sabin counters with a leg cradle, but X bridges out and hits a powerbomb. Top rope senton by X, then X dumps Sabin. Backbreaker by X, then he goes up top… and IN THE NAME OF GOD AND FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY!!! X misses a top rope senton plancha on the floor, and Sabin rolls him in and hits the Cradle Shock for 3! WINNER: Chris Sabin.

— Hart and Hudson in the crowd picking out lumberjacks. The crowd is going to whip Jeff Jarrett’s ass. Yadda yadda.

— Video package of the split up between the Gathering and Raven and Raven’s battle against the Redshirts.

— Gauntlet style handicap match: Redshirts (Northcutt and Legend) vs. Raven: Raven slumps in the corner to start, and Legend starts first with the Redshirts. Legend wins a lock up and then starts beating on Raven in the corner. Stomping, punches, boot choke, etc. Raven comes back and almost gets a quick Raven effect, but Northcutt pulls Legend out, but a slingshot plancha by Raven takes them both out. Northcutt keeps Raven from getting back in the ring, letting Legend get in a cheap shot and a two count. Thrust chops get 2 counts, and the Gathering is on the ramp watching. Legend distracts the ref, letting Northcutt get a shot in. Legend gets a two count and then hits the chinlock. Raven with a elbowsmash to get out, then a shoulderblock, then a big boot by Legend gets 2. Legend with some mounted punches, then he goes up top, but Raven slams him off. Raven with three clotheslines and a kneelift, tries the charging clothesline and bulldog combo, but Legend pushes him off into the corner and hits the reverse DDT for 2. Raven Effect out of nowhere gets 3, then Northcutt almost takes his head off with a big boot. Forearms and then a running butt shot by Northcutt gets 2. Kick to the head gets 2. Raven with a miracle superkick, but Legend interferes to keep him from hitting a Raven Effect and Northcutt gets two. Northcutt and Legend set up Raven for a chairshot, but Raven kicks the chair into Legend’s face, but Abyss comes in, and that gets the DQ. WINNER: Raven. Heel beatdown afterwards, and the Gathering makes the save?

— Recap of the Triple Chance Invitational Tournament, and Sonjay Dutt coming up with a surprise victory as Shane Douglas and Michael Shane look on. Dutt and Shane cutting promos on each other… and Dutt isn’t that bad, actually.

— Cut to Hudson and Hart in the crowd, and the lumberjack army. They’re going to whip Jarrett like a dog. Or something. Yeah.

— X-Division Championship Match: Sonjay Dutt vs. Michael Shane (c): What are the odds on “This is the week that Michael Shane is introduced as part of the Franchise”? West makes a point about Shane having ring rust. Shane with a sledgehammer forearm right away, and brawling to control. Shane Douglas and Tracy Brooks in the rafters watching. Shane with chops. Irish whip, then Shane eats a boot on an idiot charge. Exchange of attempted head rams into the turnbuckle, then Dutt with a spinning headscissors. Dutt dumps Shane as the camera goes to the back for something, then Dutt tries a plancha but takes a forearm to the head. Dutt with a two count on Shane. I guess it’s Abyss and the Redshirts vs. Raven and the Gathering next week. Shane takes control with some brawling. Douglas and Brooks down at ringside… leading a Sonjay chant? Shane is less than pleased with this, and Dutt gets a surprise roll up for 2. Dutt with a DDT and both men are down. Dutt with three clotheslines and a backdrop to take control. Dutt tries for the Calcut-Cut, but Shane ducks a move, then Dutt with a Stunner for 2. Dutt flips out of a backdrop attempt, but Shane gets a Fisherman’s DDT for 2. Shane calling for Sweet Chin Music, but Dutt catches it, and hits a flipover reverse DDT for 2. Hindu Press, and Tracy pulls Dutt off the pin? Shane pulls a chain out of his trunks as Tracy Brooks pulls the ref into her cleavage to distract him, then Shane labels Dutt with a chainshot for the win. WINNER: Michael Shane. Douglas finally makes it official that Michael Shane is part of the new franchise, and no one is safe from the new franchise.

— Cut to the back with Hudson and Dusty. Again, I’m invoking my contract provision that allows me to get out of recapping his gibberish. Dusty tags off to AJ, and says that after next week, maybe they’ll be saying Double J can’t compete with AJ Styles.

— Recap of the tag team craziness. And we get the magic invisible cameraman and Gilberti arguing with Diamond and Swinger. Simon and Swinger face turn, anyone?

— Gilberti, Simon and Swinger vs. 3 Live Kru (all of the idiots are in this one): I dig Simon and Swinger’s intro music and video. I still hate 3 Live Kru’s music. In fact, I’m hitting mute right now. This entire match will be recapped without the benefit of sound. Borash doing the championship ring intro thing. Konnan didn’t do his shtick, I don’t think. America’s Most Wanted comes down to ringside, and Harris grabs a headset. Killings and Swinger to start. Swinger with a big forearm, some boots. Headlock, then shoulder block by Swinger. The Truth with a hurricanrana and a tag to Konnan. Gilberti interferes, BG clears house and Truth drops a top rope legdrop on Swinger’s nuts. Konnan with a wristlock, Swinger punches out, tag to Gilberti. Konnan with a shoulderblock, then the rolling clothesline. Konnan facebuster, but Simon breaks up the pin attempt. Gilberti tags Swinger, who surprises Konnan with a clothesline for 2. Choke, then a tag to Diamond. Swinger puts up a boot, and Diamond rams his head into it. Tag to Gilberti, and Konnan counters a backdrop attempt with a DDT, tag to BG James, and (cue NBA Jam audio) HE’S ON FIRE! All three heels taken down, Shaky knee drop for Simon, goes for the pumphandle slam but a Simon superkick breaks that up. Swinger dumps James to the floor, as Gilberti beats on him. Diamond rolls James in for the two count. Tag to Diamond. Diamond tries to mock BG’s shaky punches, but James goes low. Tag to Gilberti, and they try some double team stuff, but James puts them both down and gets the hot tag to the Truth and HE’S ON FIRE! Truth and BG get the modified Ax Kick Hart Attack thingy as the match totally breaks down. Swinger and the Truth in the ring, I think they may be the legal guys at this point. Twisting Ax Kick by the Truth, but the ref is distracted and David Young uses the racket! Storm pushes the ref out of the way before he can make a three count! Gilberti grabs a chair, Storm superkicks it into his face, The Truth hooks Swinger up for the vertical suplex facebuster, and 3 Live Kru gets the win!!! WINNERS: 3 Live Kru. AMW and 3LK do the respect thing afterwards.

— RODDY PIPER PROMO! Piper with a rambling promo about Johnny Cash as he punches a dummy. Long story short, Piper’s coming back.

— West and Tenay for the shill, West in all red tonight. West announces the Babes of TNA calendar. As long as it features that redheaded cage dancer, I’m in. More merchandise shilling. AJ Styles vs. Jeff Jarrett next week.

— Raven in the back, and he makes the 6-man tag official.

— Main Event: Fan’s Revenge Lumberjack Match: Jeff Jarrett vs. Dusty Rhodes: Because it’s not for the title, I won’t bitch about Jarrett being introduced first. The fans actually look like legit fans. Well, if these guys are workers, I’d be a champ in their fed. I am anticipating a lot of slow brawling during this match, so I have cued up a Paris Hilton sex video clip on my computer. Every time I am bored, I will start playing it. Jarrett stalls to start. And he gets on the stick, and threatens to strap all the lumberjacks, and he’ll save Dusty for last. Tenay dedicates the match to former NWA champion Dick Hutton. Lockup to start, Dusty tries to push him against the ropes, and Jarrett slips out quick, trying to avoid the ropes. Bionic elbow, and Jarrett tries to bail, but the fans whip him! Another lockup, and a wristlock. Jarrett tries to bail again, and he gets whipped again! Dumbass. Another lockup and Rhodes pushes Jarrett into the corner, then hits a few body blows, the Dusty tries to dump him, Jarrett stops himself on the apron, and the fans still whip him! Jarrett complains that he wasn’t out of the ring, jumps on the apron to demonstrate and the fans whip him again!!! Jarrett gains control, then tells the lumberjacks to whip Dusty, but they won’t. Dusty cowboys up, and another bionic elbow, and Jarrett bails AGAIN, and gets whipped about 8 times before getting back in! Dusty with a belt, and HE whips Jarrett, then chokes Jarrett with it. Jarrett with a back kick low blow, the ref gets bumped, and Jarrett takes his belt and start to whip Dusty, the fans come in, Don Callis comes in, Erik Watts chokeslams Jarrett! Watts tries to chokeslam Callis, but the Redshirts save, and it looked like AJ Styles was trying to make the save, but the video went all pixellated and started cutting out. We cut back in on AJ beating on Jarrett to hype next week’s main event as the show goes out.

— Okay, that last production error was probably an HDTV thing, but shouldn’t they have that shit ironed out by NOW??? Nonetheless, a pretty good show this week, even the crap was fun.