411’s NWA: TNA Report 12.04.02

411’s NWA: TNA Report 12.04.02
Report by Joe Somar

– Live from the NWA-TNA Asylum

– Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Don West (decked out in the ugliest red silk shirt of all-time)

– First we go back to last week where Jeff Jarrett and Vince Russo left us on the edge of our seats with a little in-ring confrontation. After the show went off the air, Ron Killings rons out and beats on Russo but the Harris Twins break it up. Wow, some payoff for that cliffhanger ending.

– The usual opening credits.

– The show kicks off with some bagpipe music and the announcers attempt to act confused before fessing up that it can only be “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. Piper comes out with some random kid that I’ve never seen before. Piper grabs the mic and wants to rap with the kids for a second about this little thing called wrestling. Roddy Piper welcomes the crowd to the new millenium. Man, if you need Roddy Piper to welcome you to the new millenium. Anyways, Piper wants to talk about Vince Russo. Apparently Vince Russo is the Osama Bin Laden of professional wrestling and apparently the murderer of Owen Hart. Real classy segue into Piper holding up a copy of his freshly released autobiography. Piper is here to shoot! Man, that’s edgy! He mentions how he didn’t come here to NWA to have a 320 pound Samoan in a thong sit on his face. Well good thing Rikishi works for Smackdown or else we might have some trouble! Out comes Russo and the segment drags on until the Harris Twins come out and send Russo on his way.

– Tenay and West clean the urine off their pants as they are stunned that Roddy Piper has arrived in NWA-TNA. Also, AJ Styles is going to wrestle Kid Kash, The Amazing Red, and EZ Money in a four corners double elimination match later on in the evening. Oh yeah, Jerry Lynn is injured so he can’t defend the X title against Sonny Siaki as scheduled. That’ll be next week.

– Opening Contest: The SATs vs Divine Storm (w/ Trinity)
Both teams train together and are from Brooklyn so this’ll apparently be quite interesting. Jose Maximo and Quiet Storm do the honors of opening it up. Test of strength starts it and some really ugly counter wrestling follows. I see more sloppy armdrags than should be allowed by law as both men thankfully decide out to their respective tag team partners. Joel Maximo and Chris Divine do some more goofy armdrags that land Divine on the outside. SATs hit an assisted flipdive on Divine. Quiet Storm nails everyone on the outside with a flipdive of his own. Trinity goes up and hits the best-looking of the match with a perfect moonsault from the top rope onto the outside. Why isn’t she in this match? Back in the ring, the SATs do the most homoerotic looking double team submission I’ve ever seen, a sort of gangbang boston crab camel clutch dealie. They release the hold and Jose Maximo slaps on the walking boston crab on Quiet Storm and Joel comes in with a vicious legdrop from the top rope onto Storm. Divine comes in a hits a fisherman’s buster and Joel in terms nails him with a missile dropkick. Joel hits the Maximo Overdrive and everything goes all crazy. The SATs go for the Spanish Fly but Trinity interferes and Storm gets the cheap pin as I realize I forgot to hit the stopwatch for this. It was about 7:00. *1/2, a little too disjointed to get into all the way.

– Ron “The Truth” Killings plugs the NWA online auction for some pretty worthy causes including breast cancer and a school for autism. Most likely the same school from which Vince Russo graduated.

– “Wildcat” Chris Harris comes out for his match with Brian Lee but Vince Russo wants to talk and that’s what the fans paid for 15 bucks to see. Russo accuses Piper of using Owen Hart’s death as a way to sell books. I can’t help but agree with that, actually. Russo points out that TNA is run by a bunch of old geezers and that TNA actually means “tits n ass”. Russo promises the birth of “sports entertainment extreme.” Oh dear. He brings in some woman named Athena that I’ve never heard of before in my entire life. But she must be somebody because about 70 or so people have “Athena” signs. Seems a bit fishy to me. Russo tells her to flash the crowd and proceeds to slap her when she refuses. Because misogyny is edgy television, you see. Russo tells Athena that Dusty Rhodes has bigger tits than she does, but really now, Dusty Rhodes has some big honkin’ teets so that’s some stiff competition. This problematic segment drags on until the Harris Twins emerge again this time to vent some steam. Big Ron tells the crowd that there would be no TNA without him and I do a spittake with my orange soda and laugh my ass off. The Harris Twins then proceed to add to the woman-hatin’ and give Athena an H-Bomb just to show how bad they are.

– Bullet Bob Armstrong asks the Harris Twins what they’re thinking and rambles on and on about a whole lot of nothing. The Harris Twins are going to wrestle tonight too.

– “Wildcat” Chris Harris and James Storm complain to Mike Tenay about Vince Russo. Which leaves me to wonder if anyone in this damn company has a name that doesn’t have “Chris”, “Storm”, or “Harris” in there at some point. Good thing they released Devon Storm a few months ago because it would really be out of hand.

– “Wildcat” Chris Harris (w/ James Storm) vs “Bulldozer” Brian Lee (w/ Slash, Father James Mitchell, and Belladonna)
The match starts off with some old school fisticuffs. The winner of this match and the winner of the match immediately afterwards between Storm and Slash will take on Father James Mitchell in a three-way bullrope match later on in the evening in what is a surefire ***** MOTYC. Lee (who’s real last name, I kid you not, is Harris) pounds on Harris as Tenay and West discuss the Harris Twins. Nothing of note happens until Harris hits Lee with the spear out of nowhere for the random pinfall victory at 5:15. 1/2*

– Ron Killings is mad at Vince Russo. So Bullet Bob decides that Jarrett and Killings must co-exist for one night only to take out the Harris Twins.

– “The Tennessee Cowboy” James Storm (w/ Chris Harris) vs Slash (w/ Brian Lee, Father James Mtichell, and Belladonna)
Storm goes buckwild from the get-go with a flurry of fists and a really nice looking powerslam. Slash regains control with a scissor kick and lays into Storm with a series of headbutts. Storm tossed to the outside for a heel beatdown from Brian Lee. Storm back in and he gets back some momentum with a cowkick followed flying headscissors and a russian legsweep. Storm is on fire and goes for the inverted tornado DDT but Belladonna interferes with some white powder to confirm we are watching southern wrestling. Slash only gets a two-count for that and Storm goes up for a cross body block. Slash rolls through with it can’t score the pinfall. Belladonna tosses in a chair. A lot of chaos ends with Harris entering the fray and hitting Slash with the spear while the ref isn’t looking to set up the Death Penalty so Storm can score the pinfall at 6:26. ** Surprisingly good match.

– Jerry Lynn plugs the auction and mentions that his first wife had passed away from breast cancer which really geniunely bums me out. This auction thing is really a classy move but it’s kind of cheapened next to the Russoian smutfest they’re peddling as a product.

– Jeff Jarrett and Ron Killings get in each other’s faces. CAN THEY GET ALONG?!?!?!

– Four Corners Double Elimination Match: EZ Money (w/ ugly haircut) vs The Amazing Red vs Kid Kash vs “The Phenomenal” AJ Styles (w/ Mortimer Plumtree)
Styles attacks Red before the match and flattens him with the Styles Clash on the rampway. So we get the significantly less talented Joel Maximo to sub for him. Why not Crimson Dragon or something? We already saw Maximo stink up the ring earlier. The rules are two men start and another man comes in after every pinfall occurs. When you’re pinned twice, you’re eliminated. Last man standing gets an X title shot down the line. Kid Kash and Joel Maximo start it off for us. Some really sloppy stuff reminiscent of the SATs vs Divine Storm match from the beginning ends with Maximo on the outside. Kash jumps outside and hits an awesome rana and tosses back Maximo back in. AJ Styles acts like a total dick at ringside and interferes allowing Maximo to get the cheap pin at 2:44 with an ugly german suplex. Styles charges the ring and hits an axe kick and goes for the Styles Clash. Maximo wriggles out and Styles hits a sweet moonsault death drop. Styles follows it up with a backdrop driver to get the pin at 4:11. EZ Money is in next and he’s ready to kick some ass. He’s got the same haircut that oldest son on Home Improvement got in that one episode. Anyone know what I’m talking about? EZ Money misses the Face Full of Stuff and Styles goes for the Clash. Money reverses it into a backdrop tombstone and follows it up quickly with the Cha-Ching for the pin at 6:25. Kash is back in the match now and badly botches a rana. Kash hits some really innovative offense including a fisherman’s shoulderbreaker. EZ Money hits a full nelson sitout bomb. They both battle to the corner and fight on the top turnbuckle. Money goes for a superbomb but Kash reverses with a rana for two. Styles comes in and flattens Kash allowing Money to roll him up at 9:33. Money is still hurting from the rana so Styles capitalizes and hits the Styles Clash for the quick pin at 9:52. Joel Maximo in and Styles makes him his bitch with a brainbuster. Styles pretty much dominates as Maximo gets spirts of offense that only get him two-counts. The fans are not buying Maximo as the babyface here and begin to chant for AJ Styles. Finally, Maximo rolls up Styles for the fluke pin at 18:03 and the fans are less than thrilled. EZ Money and Maximo are the last two men in and some more bad wrestling from Maximo as EZ Money tries to salvage the match. Styles comes in to assert his status as a total prick and interferes again, screwing Maximo with a chairshot allowing Money to get the pin with a really sick looking powerbomb/piledriver hybrid at 20:12. I’ll be nice and give it *** but the stuff with Maximo at the end really killed it for me.

– Goldylocks is with Sonny Siaki and he uses his Tonka’s “My First Rock Promo” kit to ramble on about Jerry Lynn and being held back in WCW. Wait, was he Prince Iaukea or something? What am I missing here?

– Jerry Lynn comes out and talks about his injury and how Siaki will get his next week. Jerry Lynn reminds me of Bret Hart and that’s definitely a compliment. The Harris Twins then interrupt things just in case we forgot about them. They have some old guy who is supposedly the NWA Vice President and they’re going to put him through a table. Lynn makes the save but gets his butt whooped and is given an H-Bomb through the table AND the geezer for his troubles. Ron Killings makes the save and he fights off the Harris Twins into the crowd and up to the balcony. The Twins give Killing an H-Bomb of his own off of the balcony and into the crowd. The medics rush to his aid.

– Jeff Jarrett plugs the NWA online auction and a chance to hang out with him at his lake house. SIGN ME UP!!! No, really.

– “Bad Idea” Bullrope Match: America’s Most Wanted vs Father James Mitchell (w/ Belladona)
James Mitchell comes out and claims to be suffering from double pneumonia and can’t compete. Belladonna is to take this place. AMW refuses to do it because they only beat women in the context of a heated tag team match, but never a bullrope match. The Disciples of the New Church come out and lay a beating on them both. Mitchell decides he can wrestle the match after all. Mitchell weakly pounds on AMW with a cowbell before letting Belladonna come in and do some damage. AMW both make a comeback and decide it’s time for some woman-hittin’ and beat Belladonna down first with an Eight Second Ride from Storm, then with a Catatonic from Harris, and finally the Death Penalty to score the pinfall at 3:41 on a woman who is half their size and also not in the match. Welcome to Sports Entertainment Extreme. -**

– Bullet Bob asks his son, B.G. James, to sub for Ron Killings. Double J and The Roadie reunite tonight!!! WOOOO!!

– Don West’s face turns Brother Love red (to match his shirt I suppose) while plugging next week’s TNA card.

– Mike Tenay has a sitdown interview with Curt Hennig. Hennig revisits, no wait, revises history for us. To summarize:
a) He is the best athlete ever produced by the state of Minnesota.
b) He changed wrestling in 1990. I suppose by beating Tito Santana for the Intercontinental title.
c) Vince Russo is a bad man.
d) He’s 35 years old (HAHAHAHAHA)
e) He beat up the WWE champion in an airplane. Tenay beats me to the punch and politely points out that Brock Lesnar isn’t the WWE champion anymore.

– Main Event Tag Match: The Harris Twins vs Jeff Jarrett & B.G. James
B.G. James is introduced as being simply from “Florida”. We pan to the back and James has been laid out real good. It’s probably because he’s from Florida. Jeff goes out there and goes for it all alone. Oh man, the Nashville World Order explodes!!! Jeff tries to take out the Twins with a steel chair but you can’t hurt nazi skinhead twins with folding chairs, YOU NEED SILVER BULLETS!! Boring, boring two-one-one until they get back in the ring and Jarrett manages to avoid getting hit with the H-Bomb. Killings hobbles to ringside and distracts Big Ron long enough for Jarrett to hit the Stroke on Heavy D for the pinfall at 5:13. DUD

– Killings grabs the mic and calls out Russo (at least that’s what I hope he meant when he said, “I want some ass from Vince Russo!”). The Harris Twins give Killings another H-Bomb. B.G. James then runs out and attacks Killings. B.G. James is with Russo apparently. Either that or James is pissed off because he had to tag team with Killings in the WWF back in 2000 in one of those interracial rap duo tag teams that sell so many tickets. Either way, the new alliance of Russo, James, and The Harris Twins beat on Killings as we pan to rampway where Paul Bearer is standing and laughing maniacally for the weirdest ending to a show ever.

– Well, it was a pretty bad show. I’m not too excited about this whole “Sports Entertaiment Extreme” thing. Way too much Harris Twins for anyone’s liking and Joel Maximo stunk up not one but two matches. Where the hell was everyone this week? Oh well, as long as Paul Bearer wasn’t brought in to manage the corpse of Owen Hart to lead him to attack his old tag team partner Jeff Jarrett, things can’t possibly get too much worse. Right?