411’s WWE RAW Report 1.15.17

Keep Refreshing For The Latest Results

Hey, hoes. We’re one week away from the 25th Anniversary, and I still have no clue what I’m wearing. Does anyone have a tux that is both slimming at the waist but accentuating in the chest region? Anyone…?

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Remember last week when Braun thought he was Batman and killed Bane and Clayface by grappling a nearby large metal structure and dropped it on them? Well in case you forgot, RAW opens with a reminder. Once the clip is ran, Braun Strowman is here to scream.

Braun wants to tell us a short story with a happy ending. A beast and a machine met a monster at the Royal Rumble, and the last one standing was the monster among men, and he became the new Universal Champion.

Kurt Angle feels this story isn’t PG enough, so he comes down to the ring with some security guards that look like they’ll be cut short like Paige’s career.

Braun is upset that Angle interrupted his story. Angle says he has a story as well, but no happy ending. Braun could have maimed Brock and Kane for life. This is unacceptable. Braun also caused thousands of dollars in damage. Braun says it could have been worse. Angle blames him for creating an unsafe work place. Angle wonders about other workers.

Braun tells Angle to do his job, Braun did his job. Angle says they settle things in the ring, and Braun didn’t do that. Braun says he does what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants to. If he wants to walk into Suplex Cirt and reip the walls down, that’s what he will do. If he wants to kick the door in in Hell, and at the Rumble, if he wants to be champ, he will.

Angle tells Braun that he won’t be in the Rumble match at all because….he’s fired.

Angle bounces.

Braun stands in shock for a while before leaving the ring and heading up the ramp. Security follows.

Cole tells us that tonight, we will see Asuka vs Nia Jax, Roman Reigns vs Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel.

Backstage, Braun walks with anger, mumbles some stuff, then looks back at the security who is still following him. The guard who is oh so obviously not a wrestler (as you can tell by the facial hair) tells Braun to let it go…and we go to commercial.

We’re back, and Braun is still walking around backstage, being told to just let it go and just leave. Braun gets near a door. One of the guards puts his hand on Braun, and that’s enoguh for Braun to toss him into a large sliding door. A few others get tossed, then one gets right handed hard, thus ending his life. One more gets tossed aside, and the final security guard tries to run. Braun catches him by the belt, tosses him across a table then finally onto another nearby table. Braun then stares directly into the camera, and says he’s not leaving until everybody gets these hands.

We go back to Cole’s beautiful acting who is horribly frightened for the safety of the rest of the crew. Booker and Corey argue about calling cops while Cole stands around looking like the dad from Honey I Shrunk the Kids.

Match 1: Cesaro and Sheamus vs Titus O’Neil and Apollo Crews
Cesaro and Apollo to start. Stomps in the corner from Cesaro. He works the arm and tags in Sheamus. Double whip into an arm drag, but APollo escapes and dropkicks Cesaro to the outside. Apollo flips out of the corner. Dropkick to Sheamus. Tag to Titus, who comes in with a a hard right to punch the pit of Sheamus. Shoulder tackle to Sheamus. He hits an uppercut, then chops Sheamus in the corner. Cesaro distracts, gets a tag, and hits an uppercut. Another. Chop to Titus. Titus is upset. He tosses Cesaro into the corner and hits a chop. Again. Titus gets a third chop in. Cesaro reverses and chops Titus. He hits another one, but Titus ain’t havin it. He chokes up Cesaro, puts him in the corner and hits a hard cohp. Body slam in the middle of the ring. Tag to Apollo. Kick to Cesaro. Body slam into a running elbow drop. Cover for .1.2….NO! Suplex lock p. Cesaro floats over. Tag to Sheamus. Whip to Apollo by Cesaro, and Sheamus kicks him in the back hard. Sheamus with a clothesline off the top rope!

We return after a break with Cesaro getting a tag to Sheamus. Sheamus in to drop Apollo on his knee back first. Cesaro flies off the top rope with an elbow. Sheamus covers for 1..2..NO! Cesaro with a cravat from behind. Tag to Cesaro. tag to Titus. Titus in with some clothesline the na a hard chop in the corner. Again. Over and over. Titus tosses Cesaro across the ring. Titus calls for the splash, runs, and hits it in the corner. Body slam in the center of the ring. Cover for 1..2..NO! Whip to Cesaro. Kick from Cesaro. Sheamus with a kick of his own after a tag. They grab Titus to hit a suplex, but Apollo on the apron. Cesaro attacks, gets sent to the outside. Apollo with a moonsault attempt. He hits it on Cesaro. Sheamus in the ring goes for a cover after Cesaro uppercuts Titus. Sheamus tags in Cesaro, Cesaro walks in and goes for the Nuetralizer. Titus escapes. Cesaro lands on his feet. Titus gets a tag. Crossbody off the ropes. 1..2..NO!!! Standing Moonsault immediately. Cover for 1..2…NO!! Titus is in, but gets setn right back out. Tag to Sheamus. Sheamus looks for White noise. Cesaro gets on the 2nd rope. We’re going to get a combo.

But Jason Jordan’s music hits. He comes out, all smiles. Apollo with a rollup to Sheamus. Pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winner:
Interesting…and by that, I mean, not really.
Match Quality: *1/2
Personal Enjoyment: *1/2
Total Rating: *1/2

Seth Rollins comes out, asking Jason Jordan what the hell he is doing. Seth looks pissed and not happy with what Jordan is doing. In the ring, Sheamus and Cesaro are staring at them, pissed.

Backstage, Braun asks someone where Angle’s office is. He steps up to a doorway, kicks the door in, and walks into an empty office. Braun tosses a chair into a television, then destroys some paintings and desks. haha. Nice.

Backstage, in catering, Hawkins and Kalisto are eating carrots. SOmeone comes in to warn them that Braun is coming. Hawkins. gets chokeslammed onto a table. A dude with a large cake is standing there, scared stiff. Braun grabs a piece of cake, eats it, and walks away.

Enzo is here with his buddy Tony Nese. He’s doing fine. He calls Braun a monster amongst men, but says that so is he, and he may be walking down to this ring at Rumble stitched and broken, but he’s also going to walking out champion. If he’s Frankenstein, what does this make Cedric. Dracula, cuz he sucks. If Cedric wants some more, he’ll have to get through Nese.

Cedric comes out, but he’s not alone. Goldust accompanies him. He wonders how dare Enzo compares himself to Boris Karloff. If Enzo was a film, he’d go straight to DVD. Cedric Alexander, though, is a box office smash, a blockbuster, and when he defeats Enzo at RR, there will be only one word to describe him…..CHAMPION.

Goldust has one word for Enzo, as well. Cedric takes the mic. Enzo, from his eye to his ankle, there’s only word to describe Enzo….SAWFT.

Enzo looks like a lesbian olympic coach struggling to hold onto her youth through one of her olympians. Yes….that exact image.

Braun is still running wild in the back, pushing around large trash bins and just making a mess.

We then go back to the ring with a match already in play.

Match 2: Tony Nese vs Cedric Alexander
Nese with a hard kick to Cedric’s face. Tony with a right hand. Cedric chops back. Knee from Tony. Whip and Cedric escapes by rolling, rolls back, flips into a hurricanrana and finally a dropkick from Cedric. Cedric rushes the corner with a headbutt to the gut, hops over onto the apron, and looks to springboard, but Tony clips the rope and Cedric falls across the ropes. Nese kicks him hard enough to get him up on his shoulders, then drops Cedric on his knees. Pin for 1..2..NO! Nese covers again, with his leg, and hits a hard right to Cedric. Nese then counts his abs. I try the same, but I’m 7 short. Chop from Nese in the corner. Tree of Woe to Cedric, and Nese hits a few knees. Nese with the bicycle kick sit ups in the corner, kicking Cedric with each count. Cover for 1…NO! Nese grabs the head and crsuhes it.

On the outisde, Goldust mocks enzo and even does his little shuffle. In the ring, Cedric hits a right. Nese hits one of his own as well. Nese whips Cedric into the corner. Nese gets hit with an uppercut. Drop toe hold sends Nese into the corner head first. Cerdic rushes the apron and kicks the ropes into the face of Nese. Cedric rushes into the ring, grabs the head, and face plants Nese into the mat. Cerdric rushes the corner, hops over and onto the apron. Springboard onto Nese and covers for 1..2…NO!!! Cedric grabs Nese from behind. He cinches the waist, but nese grabs in a headlock! Nese drops a forearm, reaches fo rthe ropes, hits a back elbow, but Cedric goes for it! Nese lands on his feet. Rollup from Cedric. 1..2..NO!!! Kick from Nese. Knee to the face. Kick is met with a catch and Cedric hits a hard back elbow.

Whip to the middle of the ring, pumphandle attempt from Nese, but Cedric reverses. Lumbar Check! Pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winner:
Man, when these guys are on…they’re on.
Match Quality: **3/4
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: **

Angle is talking to a ref, saying he’s going to have to call the cops and a SWAT team. Another ref comes in to tell Angle that Braun is heading for the production trucks. Angle, in some really bad helping, says, “Oh God, they’re worth 12 million dollars!”

We come back after a commercial, and Braun enters a production truck. He asks a dude what this button does, then heads towards another guy and asks how to shut this stuff off. He then struggles entering a door. He throws a jacket and a few sheets of paper. Still no Dunn to be found. Braun kicks everyone out of the truck. Some lady screams. Braun kicks a trash can then heads back to the outside. Well, I think it’s the outside. Everyone gets back to their places after confirming that Braun is gone. They check on everything, making sure it’s all ok, then the screen starts shaking. We go to the outside, and Braun drives the truck forward, whil releasing the truck portion. Braun looks to lift the truck, until Angle comes up to him and stops him.

Angle’s phone rings, he looks to see who it is, and we get three different angles of Braun lifting the truck. Seriously, it’s more cuts than a Bay film. Braun flips the truck on its side, then continues his rampage.

Who writes this shit?

Braun continues his path of destruction while two little midget security dudes tell Braun it;’s time for him to go. Braun continues, and it looks like he’s going back towards the ring. He’s heading straight for the stage, looking towards the ring. Cole squeals like a Cole. Braun stands atop the stage, then looks over to commentary. Cole continues screaming OMG and Booker bumps into him. Braun grabs Cole by the belt, then lifts him into his arm. Angle comes running with a bunch of security, telling him to stop. Braun drops Cole. Stephanie McMahon has called Angle and rehired Braun. He’s still in the match. Braun screams in success, and walks to the backstage area.

Braun notices Cole crawling, stops, and lifts Cole up. He then tosses Cole into a group of security guards anyways.

We’re back and….

COLE IS GONE!!! GOOD GOD ALL MIGHTY, WE’RE FREE AT LAST!!!

He is replaced by Tom Phillips.

Match 3: Asuka vs Nia Jax
Nia misses a right hand to start. Asuka with kicks. Nia shoots the legs, but Nia grabs her by the waist and tosses Asuka aside. Asuka works the left arm, but Nia shoves Asuka out of it. Again. Asuka scouts, ducks under with a go behind. Nia with an elbow, but Asuka dodges and hits the ropes. She comes back with an Octopus hold on Nia!!! Asuka has her tangled up! Nia tries to fight out, does, and sends Asuka off. Asuka hits the ropes. Backbreaker to Asuka. Nia grabs Asuka by the hair and tosses her across the room. Asuka kicks high, then hits a few left and right elbows. Whip attempt but Nia hits a hard clothesline. Nia goes to grab Asuka, but Asuka grabs the arm for an arm bar! Nia turns into it and lifts up Asuka, slamming her into the corner.

Back from a break, and Nia has a bear hug locked onto Asuka. Asuka tries to elbow out of it. Asuka goes for a Sunset flip, but Nia won’t allow it. Asuka hits the ropes. Huge kick to the face of Nia. Both women down. Asuka with a back elbow. Kick. Another elbow. Nia lifts Asuka, goes for the Samoan Drop, but Asuka floats out and rolls up for 1…2NO!! Asuka with some kicks to Nia, who is on her knees. She looks to stand, but Asuka goes for another kick. Nia grabs the leg, and powerbomb to Asuka! Nia stalls. Pin for 1..2….NO!!!! Asuka grabs the leg of Nia. Knee bar! Nia is close to the ropes. She stretches. She gets the ropes. Asuka breaks the hold. She stands, then gets tossed to the outside by Nia. Nia heads to the outside and squashes Nia against the apron. Nia walks up the steps. Asuka kicks the calf from under Nia, and Nia’s leg in between the steps and apron! The ref is up to the count of 8, and Nia rolls in while Asuka already in the ring.

Nia tries to stand, but can’t. The ref stops the match, and Asuka is the official winner. -eye roll-

Winner:
The match itself was actually not bad…
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **1/2
Total Rating: **1/4

Alexa comes to check on her friend.

Backstage, Angle is picking up the mess in his office that Braun made. We get a camera going upwards, showing Jason Jordan in the office as well. He’s here to thank Angle for the opportunities that were given to him. Angle says You’re Welcome. Jordan is all smiles. Jordan claims that he has been behind Angle the entire night, and if he saw Braun hurt him, he’d beat that ass. Jordan says he and Seth are ready to defend the titles. He then says that tonight, he wants to help his partner. He thinks Seth would be helped with a match tonight. Angle says only Seth, though, not them both as a tag team. Jordan thinks that a match with Balor would help.

Angle makes the match.

We get an update about Cole, who is “shaken up.”

MLKJ video tribute, complete with ten bell ring salute

Backstage, Alexa is helping Nia out with an ice pack. In comes Enzo to ask how she is doing. Alexa gets all pissy, but Enzo says he’s got this. Alexa leaves after Nia tells her it’s coo. Enzo is sorry she got hurt. Nia messes with the bag of ice for a bit then we change scenes.

Match 4: The Revival vs Ricky Starks and Bayley’s Boyfriend
WOW! It’s STARKS!!! Man, I love Starks! This guy is a star, y’all. Seriously. So cool!

Sorry, all my gushing caused me to miss a bulk of the match. Anyway, Starks takes the Shatter Machine, and The Revival win the match.

Winners: The Revival

Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

An after interview match has The Revival wondering if Charley is sure she wants to give them a live match. What we just witnessed was tag team excellence, a clinic in tag team wrestling. Too many guys are worried about playing video games or checking their Instagrams, but not he and Dash. They are students of this game, and all they’re worried about is punishing their opponents, mastering holds, and winning matches. Charley wonders then which legends they are excited to meet. She drops some names like Austin, HBK, and New Age Outlawz. Dash says they are not old school. He then says that they are not sports entertainers, they are WRESTLERS. They are as real as it gets. If they try to change who they are, they won’t let it happen. Next week, RAW 25, there will be a lot of people here, but this is their Universe. Dawson says there is only one team that will set the tone for the next 25 years, and we are looking at them.

Elias is here to sing us a little song. It’s as annoying as the shirt Eli is wearing. We eventually get to the part where he introduces The Miz.

The Miz talks about the 6 weeks that he was gone, and that the WWE Universe was so overjoyed to see him because they recognized that something was missing – the spark was missing. This isn’t ego, this is truth: the spark that was missing was not John Cena, was not Brock Lesnar, was The Miz. Whether Kurt likes it or not, he knows, and Angle granted him a rematch. That felt awesome. What they did to Roman – that felt awesome. For Miz, that was an unforgettable moment, but that’s what he does. This is why USA Network asked him and Maryse to star in their own unscripted series. At the 25th Anniversary, he will over deliver like always, and have people talking for the next 25 years. Roman, the title is his. He made it prestiguous. He will walk out of the Barclay Center with the title, and that’s going to feel awesome.

Match 5: Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel vs Roman Reigns
Miz holds the title to distract Reigns, but it doesn’t work because Reigns Supercard is rated 98 and Axel and Bo are only at 37. Reigns leaves the ring to attack Miz, but bo is there. He, of course, gets sent away like nbothing. Axel is there to attack, and the two heels send Roman into the steps hard, shoulder first. Axel grabs Reigns and tosses him in the ring. Cover for 1..2..NO! Another cover for 1..2..NO! Axel lifts Reigns nad places him in the corner. Some stomps then a tag to Bo. Bo with some stomps of his own. Another tag. More stomps. Bo grabs Reigns nad hits a short clothesline. Cover for 1..2..NO! Cravat from behind. Reigns escapes but gets kneed a few times. Bo works the front head and locks up for a suplex. Can’t quite get it, and Roman goes for one. Axel pushes Bo down, saving Bo. DDT to Reigns. Cover for 1..2..NO! Roman stops a tag. They trae rights. Roman ends up getting some hard hits. Tag from Axel who attacks from behind. Axel beats down Reigns a few times. Whip to Reigns. Reverse. Reigns with Samoan Drop. Axel rushes forward for a tag, but Reigns holds him in the middle of the ring and drives him into the corner. Reigns runs into a boot. Axel goes for a tag. Reigns sends Bo off the apron. He turns and Axel is frightened. Reigns with a clothesline. Another. He whips Axel into the ropes. Reversed. Reigns with a right hand. Clotheslines in the corner from Reigns. He back elbows bo Dallas, who is back on the apron. Another hit knocks Bo INTO the ring. He shoves Axel into Bo’s hands, then big boots Dallas down, thus causing a DDT to happen to Axel. Reigns calls for the Superman Punch. Miz is on the apron. Reigns goes to stop him. Bo Attacks and is sent over th top rope by Reigns. Superman Punch to Axel. Reigns goes t to the outside instead of covering. He runs and hits a Superman Punch to Bo Dallas! Miz runs, but Reigns grabs him and tosses Miz into the ring. Miz slides out, Reigns grabs him by the jacket.

Rollup from Axel! 1…2…NO!!!! Reigns with a spear! Pin for 1..2….3!!!

Winner:
Admittedly, that was kind of fun.
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Match 6: Sasha Banks vs Sonya Deville
Lockup and Sasha with a go behind. She locks in The Bank Statement immediately, but Sonya escapes. Mandy distracts, and Sonya gets Sasha in the corner. A few shoulders to the gut are stopped by a hip block. Whip to the corenr, and Sasha looks to hop over, but Sonya hits a knee to the gut then another one to the face. Cover for 1….NO! Sonya with a leg scissors from behind. She hits some crossfaces. Lockup from behind. Sasha backs her into the corenr then snapmares her down. Right hands to the face4. Sasha blocks a right then hits a few more of her own. She rushes the ropes. Hurricanrana from Sasha. Dropkick to Sonya. Sasha with knees in the corner. Another set of knees. She tosses the girl to the midle. banks up top.

Sasha flies, and gets kicked in the stomach! Pin for 1..2….3!!!

Winner: Sonya Deville
Boo….
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Seth wants to talk to Jordan about stepping out of line. Jordan says he’s trying to give him a chance to redeem himself. Jordan can cancel the match if he wants. Seth says that he is Jordan’s teammate. TEAMMATE. JOrdan is not his spokesperson. He doesn’t have a problem with what jordan did, just the way he did it.

Matthew Hardy is here, and he is awake.

Match 7: Matt Hardy vs Heath Slater
Matt attacks the back of the head over and over until heath gets under the ropes. Matt drags him back in the center of the ring. He attacks Heath in the corner. Right hands. Matt grins at Heath, looking him over in the corner in a near rape-like pose. He hits a right to Heath. Heath is freaked out as the ref hits 6. Heath slides back in under motivation of Rhyno. Heath is back in, kicks. Beats Matt down with some kicks. Stomps to the chest over and over. Matt shakes it of a bit then stands up with Slater’s help. He elbows the back of the arm a few times. Heath works the left artm some more. Matt bites Slater, but the ref can’t see it. heath gives Matt a right to stop the bite. Matt with a right hand. he ducks, hits a German toss (read: shove) into the corner. Matt beats down Slater over and over on the back. DELETE. Matt rushes the corner with a hard clotheslnie then hits a Side Effect. Pin for 1..2…NO! DELETE headbutts in the corner to Heath. Neckbreaker from behind.

Matt calls for the Twist of Fate with some Delete chants. Pin for 1..2….3!!!

Winner: Matt Hardy
Yawn
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

Some replays of Braun doing Braun things…

Match 8: Finn Balor vs Seth Rollins
Lockup and Seth gets a side headlock. Finn tries to escape but Seth drops some weight on the hold. Rope work and an arm drag from Finn. Another. He locks Seth up in the middle of the ring by the left arm. Seth backs Finn up against the ropes. Ref breaks the hold ,and Seth arm drags Finn then atacks the chest. Kick to the back of Finn. Chop to Finn. Seth with right hands in the corner, followed by some stomps. Seth with a cravat from behind. Balor is out of it and clotheslines Seth to the outside. Finn on the apron. he rushes and kicks Seth right in the face. Deeeeyum.

Back from a break, and Balor is beating down on Seth in the corner. Seth gets up top and hits a blockbuster to Finn. Seth favors the knee. He gives Finn a knee to the back and sends him to the outside. Seth hits the ropes. He dives through the ropes directly into Balor. In the ring, Seth hits a neckbreaker and a pin for 1..2..NO! Seth works the head, locking in a cravat. Finn with a go behind but Seth hits an elbow. Finn kicks out of the corner. Finn with a right hand to the face. Again. Finn shoots the legs. Stomps the chest. Finn with a chop in the corner. Whip is reversed but Finn hops over Seth. Boot from Seth. Seth sits on the top rope. Kick from Finn. Finn locks the head then drops an elbow onto the chest! Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Finn goes for Slingblade, but Seth escapes, hits the ropes, SLINGBLADE FROM ROLLINS!! Finn up in the corner. Seth up next. He rushes and hits an elbow. Off the corner, Seth hits another elbow. He goes for a third one, but Balor hits a Slingblade out of the corner! Seth with a superkick straight to the chin! Pin for 1..2…NO!!! We get rights from each man. Balor escapes a move but gets kicked with an enziguri! Dropkick out of the corner from Finn after Seth rushes him. Finn is at the top rope. Seth is up. He hops the ropes and locks up for a Superplex. Seth hits it!! Seth rolls through. Falcon Arrow! Pin for 1..2…NO!!! Seth hits the top rope. He waits. FROG SPLASH! BUT FINN HAS THE KNEES UP!!! Balor rolls up Seth! 1…2……..NO!!! SO DAMNED CLOSE!

Sheamus and Cesaro’s music hits, and the kilted warriors are out here! They go straight to Jordan. They try to attack. Jordan ducks. Sheamus and Cesaro accidentally hit Gallows and Anderson. These four attack each other!!! Balor with a suicide dive on all of them! High kick to Seth on the apron! Balor goes for the COup De Grace! Seth moves! Sheamus is on the apron. Balor hits the ropes.

Jordan pulls the leg! Balor with the Curb Stomp! Pin for 1..2…3!!!!

Winner:
Greatness, y’all.
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ****
Total Rating: ***1/4

We get a recap of the ref counting a three but not calling the match. So we have that going for us.

Gallows and Anderson help Finn out in the ring, staring down Seth and Jordan. The music of Seth stops for some reason. Gallows and Anderson lift Finn up. This is weird.

Finn is up on his feet, he then falls to his knees, showing some fatigue. Finn is able to stand yet again, as he shaskes off the sting of the match and this concludes an awkward ending to an awkward RAW…

End Show