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411’s WWE RAW Report 1.7.19

January 7, 2019 | Posted by Tony Acero
John Cena Raw 1-7-19

It’s 2019, and I’m here to prove to you that the more things change, the more things stay the same! Yeah, I’m talking bout you, WWE! Ya fuckin liars!

As for the report, not much will be different outside of some color alterations and a new segment!!!

Introducing…The Disqus Dick Punch!

You asked for it, and now you’ve got it! Periodically throughout the report, if I see a comment I find so hilarious that it makes me spit out my whiskey-laced Mountain Dew, it’ll be highlighted in the report! Want an example?

Disqus Dick Punch:

GreenBrain: So RAW starts making absolutely no sense. What else is new?

We start RAW with a brawl in the back! It looks like Lashley and Seth Rollins, with Curt Hawkins of all people trying to break it up. They fight all the way to Gorilla and to the outside top the ramp. Security finally holds Seth and Lashley back, but Seth flies out and knocks Lashley off the stage. He then flies off the stage onto Lashley. Security holds him back again, sending Seth to the back while some officials and wrestlers hold Lashley back in another direction.

Immediately after this, the music of John Cena hits, and Skinny Cena is here!

Cena welcomes us to RAW and says that he’s stepping up cuz he’ll be damned if he will be left out of this year’s Mania. He brings up the Rumble. He officially enters himself in the Rumble.

The music of Drew McIntyre hits, and he comes out to say that he has been waiting for this moment for years. Unike everyone else, he doesn’t care about who Cena sleeps with or doesn’t sleep ith. He doesn’t care about Cena’s hair. What he cares about is his 16 title reigns, that he’s main evented multiple Manias, that McMahon calls him the greatest of all time. He cares because he agrees with McMahon. Cena is the greatest of all time.

Cena wants to know his point. Drew says he doesn’t know if Cena has been keeping up with the product, but he has a reputation for taking out the greats. Maybe he can do some research, maybe he can check with The Shield. Nope. Destroyed them. How bout Ziggler? Nope, destroyed him in a cage match. How about Angle? Phone him so that he can tell Cena was he is capable of. He made him cry and tapped him out to his own ankle lock.

Cena says that now he is sad. What’s sad is that Cena has heard the same thing every week from everyone. So much so that he had to leave just so everyone could shut their mouth and think of a different promo. What makes Drew any different than anyone else?

This elicits a Cena chant. Drew says he will keep it simple. They were all talk; Drew is going to bloody show Cena.

Before anything can go down, Lio Rush comes yelling that they’ve got a situation. He comes down with Lashley, and says that it’s not his fault that Seth can’t get his rematch. Rollins comes out to attack again! Ambrose is here to join in! They go to attack Cena, but Finn comes out next. Finn attacks Drew with a clothesline then he flies over the top rope onto everyone as we go to commercial.

Match 1: John Cena, Finn Balor, and Seth Rollins vs Dean Ambrose, Bobby Lashley, and Drew McIntyre

We come back to RAW with Cena clotheslining Lashley. Tag to Finn who drops a boot onto the arm then works the arm, but gets a knee to the gut. Body slam from Lashley. Lashley stares down Seth. Lashley tags in Ambrose. Dean with a kick to Finn in the corner. He shoves Finn against the ropes, then hits the ropes and gets an arm drag for his troubles. Another. Ambrose backs Finn into the roeps. Whip, reverse, Finn rolls through. Dropkick and a pin for 1..2.NO!!! Ambrose sends Finn into the corner. They hold him as Drew comes in and hits him with a right. Drew with the front face lock. He deadlifts Finn into a suplex and covers for 1..2…NO!!! Tag to Lashley who locks in a cravat. Finn is able to escape, dropkicks out of the corner, elbows Drew and Dean, then runs into the arms of Lashley, stopping the tag. He shoves Finn into the corner hard. Ref holds him back and Ambrose gets tagged in. Dean with the stomps in the corner. Whip to Finn. Ambrose with an elbow. Overhead kick by Finn. He tags in Cena. Cena with a shoulder tackle. Another. Protobomb. His hair is so flowy. Five Knuckle Shuffle into AA. He hits it, but Drew got a tag. He comes in and hits a headbutt ont oCena. Cover for 1..2..NO!!!

We are back, and Drew hits a spinebuster into a jackknife cover onto Cena for 1..2..NO!!! Tag to Lashley who enters with a kick. He lifts Cena up and drops him with a neckbreaker. Pin for 1..2…NO!!! Lashley flexes for all of his fans. Lashley hits Rollins with a surprise right then walks right into an AA. Cena looks to tag. Ambrose gets a tag first, though, and comes in with a sleeper hold onto Cena. Cena is able to stand up out of the hold. He turns into it then kicks. He hits a right to the face. Another .Cena hits the ropes. Ambrose ollows and hits a knee. Cena rolls to the outside. The ref holds Ambrose back, so he leaves the ring on the other side. Ambrose sends Cena into the steps. We get another commercial.

We are back, and Cena is still playing the face-in-peril. Ambrose has a sleeper hold on in the midle of the ring. Cena struggles to walk to his corner, but does so with Dean still on his back. Ambrose rakes the eyes then kicks Seth off the apron. Double clothesline in the middle of the ring. Finn wants the tag. Drew does, too. Cena reaches up in the air for motivation. Tag to Finn. Finn with a high kick to Dean. Right hand to the face. He knocks Drew off. Right to the head of Dean, he drops an elbow onto the chest. Slingblade to Lashley. Kick from Ambrose. He wants Dirty Deeds, but Finn escapes, flips the legs. Stomp to the chest. He dropkick Ambrose into the corner. He falls. Finn up top. Coup De Grace, but McIntyre is in with a Claymore kick! Ambrose on the apron. Drew, too. Tag to Seth. Tag to Drew. Springboard attack to Drew. He knocks Lashley off the corner. Seth flies off the top, lands on his feet, kick to the head, Splash in the corner but Drew flips him over. Seth lands on the apron! Moonsault to the outside where Lashley and Lio are! Springboard into the ring, lands on his feet, reverses into a Falcon Arrow! Pin for 1..2….NO!!! Seth calls for the stomp. He goes for it, Drew escapes. He wants the Alabama Slamma, but Cena runs in! AA to Drew! SPEAR FROM Lashley!!! High kick from Seth to Lashley. Seth grabs Drew from the outside and rolls. him in. Seth with a superkick to Drew! Seth to the top rope. He flies with a Frog Splash, but Drew rolls out of the way!

Ambrose sneaks in a tag, goes for Dirty Deeds, but Rollins escapes. STOMP TO DEAN! Pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winners: Seth Rollins, Finn Balor, and John Cena
Great ending to an otherwise paint by numbers six-man. Commercials really didn’t help, either.
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating:**¼

Seth Rollins celebrates, then sees Triple H backstage talking with Sasha Banks and Bayley.

Seth decides to leave the ring and rush to the back. We see Dean already on his way, which kinda ruins the mystique, but whatevs.

Cena and Finn clap hands with people and head up the ramp shortly after.

Backstage, Seth just slaps a cup out of Triple H’s hand. He wants Ambrose, the title, and he wants it tonight. HHH says he’s got him. Tonight. Falls Count Anywhere. Seth cums in his trunks.

Hulk Hogan is backstage wearing a Mean Gene-O-Mania shirt.

Disqus Dick Punch:

Solomon Grundy: I think the writers all have a calsium deposit on the medulla oblongota of thier collective brains!

Corey Graves’ Brother is in the ring and asks that we all rise for a ten-bell salute to Mean Gene Okerlund.

The realest American is here! He comes out to a relatively meh reaction and claps a bunch while coming own to the ring. The cheers start and die pretty quickly. He wants to tell us brothers somethin. He came out wide-open in character because that’s exactly the way Gene would have wanted it. He wants us all to know that Mean Gene loved entertaining everyone here. He loved it more than anything that he did. We get a nice video package of Gene. It ends with him telling us to bury him facedown so all his critics can kiss his ass.

Hogan says he speaks for the entire WWE Universe when he says that we love you to Mean Gene. Being out here, without him, it’s not….um….well, Hogan stumbles there a bit, but says Gene is in his heart. He loves him and misses him. THANK YOU MEAN GENE chant. Hogan goes into character one more time. He cuts a promo, sayin all the angels are singing tooty fruity on the clouds and he’s putting the greatest tag match on with Warrior and Savage vs Piper and Perfect with Andre as the special guest referee. He’s probably breaking up a fight between Heenan and Monsoon, and he hears the weights clanging and banging, but he can choose between Moolah and Mae Young. Hogan’s got one question left to ask. WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN MEAN GENE O MANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU, BROTHER.

Match 2: Lumberjack Tag Team Match for the RAW Tag Team Championship
The Revival vs Bobby Roode and Chad Gable

Dash and Roode to start. Headlock takedown into a pin into a leg scissors into a side headlock from Roode. Rope work and Rood locks up for a DDT, but Dash slides out of the ring, only to be forced back in. Pin from Roode for 1..2.NO!!! Tag from Dawson who comes in and gets arm dragged into an arm bar. Tag to Gable. He comes in to work the arm. Scott sends Gable into the ropes and hits an elbow. He locks the head, bounces Gable off the ropes, escapes and rollsup for a pin for 1..2.NO!! Gable with a flying crossbody for 1..2.NO!!! Arm drag to Dawson, but Dash gets a tag. He comes in, and Gable with a leg scissors toss. Tag to Roode and we get a double flapjack to The Revival. They roll out of the ring and get tossed back in only to get clotheslined back out yet again. The heels help Revival up just as Roode launches Gable over the top rope. The faces send Scott back into the ring and Roode covers for 1.2…NO!!! Tag to Gable. He hops on the top rope and flies off with an axe handle onto the arm, then a right to Dawson. Whip is stopped and Dash gets a tag. Gable hops over, then hunder and eats a kick then runs into a suplex onto the ropes. Gable is sent to the outside but he is sent back in and Dawson covers for 1..2…NO!!!

We are back, and Roode is tossing Dash across the ring. He hits a suplex onto Dawson, then a lfited T-Bone onto Dash. He hits a shoulder in the corner to Dawson, who I believe is the legal man. He sends Dash off the apron then hits a clothesline to Dawson, sending him to the outside. The jacks toss him back in and Roode covers for 1..2…NO!! Tag to Gable. He wants a moonsault, but Dawson esacpes. Gable is able to save it and flies off but Dash stops a pin. Gable in, sends Wilder ot the outside. Gable to the top rope. Dawson turns. Crossbody but Dawson rolls through for 1..2..NO!!!! Dawson runs to the corner, gets a tag, Gable doesn’t know, hits a german, Dash off the top rope with a splash!!! Pin for 1..2…NO!!! I blinked and missed a pin. Pin to Dawson for 1..2..NO!!! He freakin pushes out of it. Gable wants a backslide, but he drops his weight then turns it into a pin of his own. 1..2..N!O!! Gable foes for a backslide again, but Dash runs in and gets sent to the apron.

Dawson with an inside cradle just as Roode sends Dash towards the steps. He moves the cradle to the side of Gable, and the ref counts for 1..2….DAWSON’S FOOT WAS UNDER THE ROPES….3!!!!

Winners: Bobby Roode and Chad Gable
Nice work on the back end of the match
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **1/2
Total Rating:**½

Elias is here to sing us a little diddy. He says he was weeping at the level of stardom he achieved in 2018. He dropped a debut album, he sold out MSG, he played sold out arenas all over the world. He’s been to South America, South Africa, Australia, and it has all brought him here to Orlando. There is a universal truth that follows him and we all know it. If we thought 2018 was great, it is nothing compared to what he has in store for 2019. On January 27, he will walk into the Rumble, and he will take center stage, and he will win the Royal Rumble.

He brings up Corbin, and out comes the dummy. He tells Elias to stop and that we can’t handle another shitty performance. Just like him and all these people, they have no idea what it’s like to have a job as high stress as his was. He says we don’t respect him. He is going to take the same path Elias is taking and entering the Rumble then main event Mania.

Elias tells Corbin that before he even thinks about saying one more stupid word, just do us a favor and shut your mouth.

Match 3: Baron Corbin vs Elias

Elias locks up from behind. He gets backed into the corner. Corbin misses a right hand. Elias chops him into the corner a few times then whips, locks the head and mule kicks Corbin. Clothelsine to the outside. Elias hits the ropes and baseball slides through the. 2nd ropes. Elias heads to the top rope. He just falls off the corner. Hahaha.

We come back and Corbin is sending Elias into the barricade on the outside. He whips him back into the ring and gets some rights in. Corbin does the stupid slide out then back in clothesline and covers for 1..2..NO!! Corbin to th top rope. He flies off…right into a knee!! Elbow from Elias. Right hand. He whips Corbin, reveresed, stops the run, and hits a clothesline! Elias with a beatdown in the corner. Elias sets up for an Electric Chair Drop, but Corbin drops, goes for a clothesline, but Elias hits a sick swinging neckbreaker! Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Elias flies off the top rope, lands on his feet, rushes the corner, nearly hits the ref, stops, and gets hit with a right hand!

Elias gets sent into the corner, shoulder first. End of Days. Pin for 1…2….3!!!

Winner: Baron Corbin
Lol, no one wants to see this guy win…
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating:

Backstage, Dean is seething from apparently an entire hour ago. He calls a six man tag very unnatural. He is the only man that he trusts, and he is the last line of defense against Seth. He hasn’t been having fun lately. It hurts him more than we know to have to hurt Seth. He lost eerything to do what he had to do. If Seth gets the title, it’s game over for all of us. He will not let that happen. He is going to burn Seth Rollins down.

Heyman is backstage. He knocks on Brock’s door, but isn’t let in.

After a break, Braun makes his way down to the ring…and he wants Lesnar.

Heyman and Brock are on the screen, though. Heyman introduces himself and we go split screen, which is an odd choice, but whatever. Heyman points out the monster in the ring, that he is waiting for a face to face. He knows that Bruan was brought up as a monster, but permit him to give him some education. He knows how much money they have spent hyping Brock F2F with Braun, but here’s the lesson from history – Card Subject to Change. The change is for Braun’s benefit, because if he came down there tonight, he wouldn’t have an opponent at Rumble, he’d just have another victim. Let this be a lesson learned. No reason Braun to thank Brock or Heyman. You’re welcome.

Braun is pissed as Brock smirks. Braun calls Brock Beasty Boy. He says he’s waiting. Standing in the ring. Waiting for Brock.

Brock laughs it off. Braun says he’s going to hide behind his advocate. Heyman says he is standing behind Brock. Brock smiles. Braun says he’s right here in Brock’s ring, so why doesn’t he come down and get in the ring. Heyman wonders if this is the best Braun’s got. They continue to stand as Braun breathes heavily into the camera.

Brock wants to know if Heyman’s ass ever gets jealous of all the crap that comes out of his mouth. All he’s hearing is bla bla bla, Brock is afraid of Braun. Bla bla bla, Brock doesn’t want to be face to face with the monster among men. Braun is right here, and Brock is hiding on the screen like a coward. Thank Paul for keeping him back there, because if he came down there now, he wouldn’t make it to the Rumble, because everyone knows what happens when you get these hands.

Did Braun just cut the same promo on Brock that Heyman cut on him?

Instead of leaving, Brock decides to see what Braun’s gotta say. He is heading to the ring. Brock slowly circles the ring, staring at Braun, laughing as he walks. He completes the circle, looks at Braun, and walks back up the ramp. Braun yells at him to turn around. Braun says at the rumble, they’ll crown him New Universal Champion.

The fuck was the point of this?!

Jinder and Alicia Fox come to the ring with The Singh Brothers. They ask to make peace and do their little chant, with Alicia heading it. I hate everything that Alicia does and says. Jinder goes DL Hughley on the crowd and clowns some people in the crowd.

Ember Moon, apparently, is not a fan of this, and cuts them off with her music. Apollo is next, and looks like they’re a team tonight, cuz black.

Match 4: Apollo Crews and Ember Moon vs Jinder Mahal and Alicia Fox

Lockup to start and Jinder backs Apollo into the corner. Shoulders to Apollo then a slap. Jinder whips Apollo and he hops over, flips, then gloats. He lap frogs over JKinder. Jinder tosses him into the ropes. Apollo comes back with a crossbody for 1.2…NO!!!! Apollo with a crucifix pin for 1..2..NO!! Dropkick to Jinder. He works the arm, ducks a clothesline, hits an elbow, then kips up. He, meaning Apollo. Apollo presses Jinder over his head and Alicia gets the tag. Apollo clotheslines Jinder over the ropes then dives on top of him and the singhs.

Ember in and she flips then hits a right hand. Ember with the Eclipse off the top rope. Cover for 1..2..3!!!

Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

Bliss is here to welcome us to the first ever episode of A Moment of Bliss. She is set up at the top of the stage. She demands coffee, and a stagehand brings out a bedazzled cup for her. She then shoos him away. She wants to take a look at the year her guest has had.

After a short video, we welcome Ronda. Alexis extends her hand out, and Ronda ignores it then sits down. Alexa wants her to tell us about her exceptional year and what is next for her.

Ronda says thank you. Not sure why….

She waits for cheers to rise….then die down.

This year has been extraordinary, but as the champ, she wants to look forward and not back. She says that she wants to be a champ we an be proud of, and in order to do that, she needs to chase after her limits with a vengeance. She points out someone with more athleticsim in her entire body than Charlotte, a better story than Becky, the real Cinderella story…Sasha Banks.

Alexa questions this, says she though she was talking about Alexa…

Out comes Nia Jax, pretending to puke.

She says someone has a girl crush on Sasha Banks and that Ronda is forgetting about someone…Nia says Seth is getting a rematch tonight, Nia should get one too. When is she going to get it.

Sasha comes out, says she is beyond honored for those amazing words. It is better to look ahead. She is standing right in front of her and would love to face Ronda for the title. It’ll be her pleasure to teach Ronda how to lose with dignity and class.

NIa walks up to Sasha, making sure to say excuse me. She says there is a 300.5 oz Samoan that could break her face, so get in line. So….she’s 19 lbs? Idiot…

Sasha: “Bitch, what line.”


Sasha says there is a ring right there and she will face Nia right now. Winner faces Ronda.

Nia takes a seat, she didn’t mean right now. She isn’t ready. Apparently her and Alexa are friends.

Disqus Dick Punch:

Marky Mark: someone needs to put a tampon in Nia’s mouth to shut her up……too soon?

Match 5: Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax

We come back to the match happening, thereby making Nia look like even more of an idiot. In case you weren’t already annoyed, Tamina is ringside. Banks hits Nia with a knee in the corner, but Nia just crushes her in the corner, hitting her in the face with the knee. Oh, Bayley is ringside, as well. Tamina looms over Sasha, so Bayley attacks. Tamina sends her into the barricade. Sasha attacks Tamina. Nia grabs her from behind, presses Sasha above her head, then walks around with Sasha. She drops Sasha onto an equipment case near the timekeeper’s area. I think. Sasha struggles towards the ring as the ref reaches the count of 7. He gets to 9 and she slides in. Nia grabs Sasha, slaps her around a bit. Nia lifts Sasha. Sitout powerbomb. Cover for 1..2…NO!!!

We return to RAW with Sasha on the shoulders of Nia. Nia works the torture rack in but Sasha floats off and hits a jawbreaker. She hits the corner, Nia runs, Sasha moves, Sasha hops onto the corner and hits a bulldog then knees to the face. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Sasha hits the ropes then a knee to the face. 1..2…NO!!! Sasha to the top rope. She dives and hits knees again! Nia with a kick out at 2 off a pin. Sasha with a Bank Statement variation. Nia lifts Sasha, Sasha floats over and drops down Nia goes for a punch to the face, but Sasha gets out of the way, tilt a wihlr, goes for the DDT, Nia lifts and hits a Samoan Drop! Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Nia tosses Sasha across the ring then hits a splash in the corner. Nia lifts her up on her shoulders again, and heads to the top rope, looking for a huge Samoan Drop. Sasha slips down, pulls the leg. Nia kicks her away. Nia is seated on the top rope. Sasha with a right hand. Again. She locks the head. Nia gets her back on her shoulders. Nia drops off the corner, and Sasha is hung up on the top rope neck first! Nia laughs as if she did something here….

Cover from Nia for 1..2…..NO!!! Nia with a headbutt. She hits the ropes. Nia goes for a leg drop, but Sasha rolls away before the leg drops. Sasha is seated in the corner. She kicks. NIa rushes, and Sasha moves. Nia hits the turnbuckle shoulder first. Tamina grabs Sasha, but Bayley is there to slide through the ring and dropkick Tamina! She sends her into the barricade hard. Nia rushes Sasha, but she holds the ropes and Nia lands on the apron. She posts herself trying to smash Sasha. Sasha stands up on the apron. Nia is using the ropes to stand. Sasha runs and locks the head, looking for. hurricanrana, but Sasha just…falls? What even was that? They sell it as if Nia took some pain too.

Sasha springboards into a hold on top of Nia, locks in the Bank Statement! NIa taps!!!

I love you, Sasha, but that was a bit odd there, girl.
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Ambrose makes his entrance, and on his way down the ramp, Seth attacks him from behind! He sends Dean into the ring, and the bell sounds.


Seth follows Dean outside, then sends Dean into the ring, clotheslines him to the outside and suicide dives then pins for 1..NO!!! Rollins clotheslines Dean oer the barricade. Seth follows and beats Ambrose down near some equipment. He sends Ambrose into a case head first then hits a few rights. He follows Dean to the side of the stage, then into the back behind the display. We get a new camera and the guys are heading further in the back. Ambrose smacks Dean in the back then tosses him into a ladder. Seth grabs a shovel and smacks it, but Dean moves and it hits a ladder. Seth with a right hand. He sends Dean into a box. He sends him into some scaffolding. Seth takes that same scaffolding and sends it into the box, since Dean moved out of the way. Ambrose climbs up on some boxes and Seth follows. Seth with a right hand. Another to the back of Dean. Seth pauses for too long. He looks for a powerbomb, but Dean reverses and smacks Seth down hard! Pin for 1..2…NO!!! Ambrose grabs a ladder and drops it on Seth. Ambrose covers for 1..2..NO!!!

We are back, and the guys are in the crowd now. Dean is taking the stairs and Seth grabs him by the jeans. Seth with some right hands. He shoves Dean down then launches himself from up high down below. Cover for 1..2..NO!! Seth with a right hand directly to the nose. Seth grabs Dean from behind and sends him back towards the ring. He tosses him over the barricade. Dean stumbles towards the steps. Seth hits a right hand. He tosses Dean into the barricade backfirst. Dean grabs a chair, though, and smacks Seth across the back. Pin for 1..2…NO!!! Dean grabs the edge of the padding on the outside and pulls. He exposes the concrete. Dean grabs Seth and gives him a bunch of punches to the head. Dean locks the head of Seth, hooks the arms, but Seth with a back body drop and Dean lands on the concrete hard. Seth in the ring. Dean thumbs his eye. He heads to the top rope.Seth to his feet. He crawls up. Superplex, roll through, BUCKLE BOMB! SUPERKICK! STOMP TO AMBROSE! Cove—-nooooo its Bobby Lashley! He pulls the leg of Seth and sends him into the barricade hard! Again! Belly to belly to Seth! Lashley lifts Seth, sends him into the ring, and follows. LASHLEY SUCKS chant.

Lashley grabs the head of Seth. Lifts. He hits his finisher. Lashley in the corner. He waits. Seth is up. SPEAR! Dean crawls over to Seth. Covers. 1…..2…3!!!

Winner: Dean Ambrose
I mean…it wasn’t BAD….
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Dean takes his title and leaves, but Lashley isn’t done. Lio grabs a table from under the ring and hands it to Lashley. Lashley sets it up in the ring as Seth writhes in pain. Lashley grabs Seth and drops him through the table!

End Show

article topics :

411's WWE RAW Report, Tony Acero