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411’s WWE RAW Report 3.11.19

March 11, 2019 | Posted by Tony Acero
Batista Raw 3-11-19 - Stephen Amell, Ice Cube

Excuse me while I compose myself. I just had to clean my keg room at the bar. Do ANY of you know what that is like?! I can’t even feel my fingers type this! Update on Bingo in a bit!

HI GUYS!!!!

RAW starts with The Shield, cuz why not. Roman says that it’s Mania season, and he reminds us that he hasn’t had a match in over five months. He says that Ambrose has business, too. Reigns doesn’t know what it is, but Ambrose might not either. The one who has the realest business is Seth. He asks Seth how many years has he been chasing the dream. Roman calls him the Main Event of Mania, says he is going to slay the beast (as the crowd chants it), and while he does this, the whole world will chant BURN IT DOWN!

They all hug it out and put their fist in the invisible butthole that is our fandom.

Seth is left standing in the ring by himself to stare at the Wrestlemania sign like it’s Sasha’s cute little tooshy. No? Just me?

Seth is about to cut one of his sick ass poetic prose slams but Heyman cuts him off to greet and introduce us.

Seth tries to say BROCK LESNAR like Heyman does, but he’s not Jewish enough. Seth brings up the domination of Big Show, the running through of Samoa Joe, the Brock that got pushed to his limit by AJ Styles, The Brock that was THIS CLOSE to being beaten by Finn Balor. That Brock?

TOUCHE, says Paul, and it seems to Seth that Brock has a bit of a problem with guys that are his size, his stature, speed, agiity, style, and with all due respect to Finn, Bryan, and AJ, there is only one man who is uniquely suited to beat Brock at Mania, and it’s Rollins. Three weeks, Paul. That’s all he’s got left, so run your mouth, because Seth is going to Mania, taking the title, and bringing it back to RAW.

Heyman comes off as speechless, allows the crowd to chant SLAY THE BEAST a bit, then says that there will be no slaying, and NOT with all due respect. Seth is running down names, but not telling the whole story, and people say he is the manipulator. Brock has no time to prepare for any of the opponents that Seth just named. It was SUPPOSED to be Brock v Jinder, but it became AJ. Brock v AJ but it wasn’t, it was Daniel Bryan. It was supposed to be Brock v Braun, but no it was Brock v Finn, and in each case, Brock had 5, 6, or 12 days to prepare. You run your mouth like you know Brock or have been introduced to Brock more than the 6 F5s that he punished him with. You want to meet him? Allow heyman to introduce Seth to his client, BROCK LESNAR.

Insert video package while I was my hand of grimey beer gunk.

After the video package, Heyman claims that this time Brock has had time to prepare. You think you know Brock Lesnar? You don’t know Brock Lesnar.

And with that, Shelton Benjamin grabs Seth from behind and hits a German Suplex! Another!!! Oh shiiiiiiddddd…..


Match 1: Seth Rollins vs Shelton Benjamin

We return to the match in play. Heyman is on commentary to own Cole immediately. Seth with a side headlock on Shelton. Beni escapes, headlock takedown, and Shelton grinds the forearm across Seth’s face. He mounts with a punch or two then grabs the side headlock once again. He cinches the hold down as Seth tries to escape. Rope work and Shelton hits a shoulder tackle. Seth hops up and checks the throat. Chop to Shelton. Another against the ropes. Whip to the ropes and Shelton eats a dropkick. Shelton rolls to the outside immediately. Seth leaves the ring and grabs Shelton then hits a right and a chop. Seth sends Shelton to the barricade, then into the ring. Seth follows. Seth with a right hand. Chop to the chest. Whip from Seth is reversed. Shelton eats a boot out of the corner. Blockbuster from Seth. Seth calls for the stomp, goes for it, but Shelton locks up from behind, goes for a German, Seth escapes and sends Seth to the outside. Seth goes or a suicide dive, but Shelton hits a kick to the face!! Cover for 1…2…NO!!!
Back to the show, and Shelton is sendin Seth to the outside with a toss. Shelton tosses Seth into the barricade, then the apron, then back into the barricade, and finalizes it with a clothesline. While this goes down, Heyman takes a phone call. Benji tosses Seth into the ring and stands above him gloating. Heyman continues his phone convo. Shelton locks the head with an attempt to a powerbomb, but Seth esapes and pins, only for Seth to escape, Seth on the shoulders, Frankensteiner, and Shelton goes into the corner. Seth with a chop. A kick to the face of Shelton. Seth hops over Shelton, ducks a clothesline, hits a slingblade, and rushes the corner. Shelton sends him over the top rope. Seth kicks to the back of the head. He flies with a springboard clothesline. Cover for 1..2..NO!!!

Heyman informs us that Brock didn’t like the video package and will be here on RAW next week to address many topics, including how much Cole sucks.

German in the ring by Seth! He hits another as Cole argues about his pains when Brock attacked him however long ago that was. Shelton grabs Seth by the hair and sets him up on the shoulders, looking for an F5 seemingly. Seth hops off.

Seth with a Kick to the body. Another kick. He hits the ropes. STOMP! Pin for 1…..2…..3!!!

Winner: Seth Rollins

Shelton was a nice surprise and Heyman built him into something in a matter of seconds. Nice to see and hear.
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: **3/4

Before Seth can leave, Finn Balor’s music hits, and I guess we better get used to these segments bleeding into each other.

Luckily, Seth heads up the ramp and acknowledges Finn with a smile and a hand shake. Ok, that shut me up. THAT makes sense and allows the segment to flow seamlessly into one another.

While Finn continues his entrance in the ring, Lashley shows up on the tron, face only, and looks incredibly constipated.


Match 2: Intercontinental Championship Match
Finn Balor vs Bobby Lashley

Lashley immediately drops Finn to the ground then stomps him in the corner and chokes him up with a boot. He locks him up against the ropes, shoving his face into it until the ref stops him. Lashley drops an elbow to the top of the head of Lashley. Lashley cinches the head of Finn. Lashley releases, hits the ropes, and Finn hits a dropkick! He locks the head of Lashley but Lashley backs him into the corner. Lashley rushes the corner, Finn jumps over onto the apron, swings up for a kick, but Lashley swats him down hard. He heads to the apron, looks for a suplex, but Finn doesn’t allow it, kicks the feet, and Lashley hits the ground. Finn on the corner, runs the apron and swing kicks Lashley, then hits another kick to the face as we go to commercial.

We come bck to Lashley getting a cover for two, after once again shutting own Finn from getting any real momentum. Lashley locks the head under his balls and lifts Finn onto his shouylders. Finn fights down. Lashley rushes him, and Finn sends him to the outside! Finn stands, but Lashley is there to grab his leg, pull him out, and drop him hard on the apron! Cover from Lashley for 1….2…..NO! Lashley shoves Finn’s head a bit. Finn is able to turn out of a hold only to get kicked. Lashley locks Finn up, but he hits a back body drop then a basement drokick to the face! Lashley rushes the corner and gets a boot for his troubles. Finn ducks under a clothesline and hits one of his own. Finn with a chop to the corner. Whip to Lashley is reversed, Finn hops over, lands on the shoulder, drops off, clips the leg, STOMP to the chest! Finn rushes, gets caught, and dropped in the corner. Shoulders from Lashley. He lifts Finn and sends him into the corner hard, then gutwrenches. Finn lands on his feet, rollup for 1..2…NO!!! Finn hits the ropes and runs into….SNAKE EYES!!! Finn comes back with a slingblade. Dropkick from Finn. He climbs the top rope.

The bell rings. It’s Lio Rush!! He’s in the timekeepers area. He grabs the IC Title. He says it doesn’t belong to Finn. Lio yells from the area, hops on the apron. Finn hits a shoulder to Lashley. Kick to Lio.

Finn to the top rope. Springboard. SPEAR FROM LASHLEY!!!! Pin for 1….2…..3!!!

Winner and NEW Intercontinental Champion: Bobby Lashley
Not really a fan of the title change, but kudos to Lashley for stepping it up in the wrestling department.
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: ***

A Moment of Bliss will reveal who is hosting Wrestlemania.

Backstage, Charley interviews Baron Corbin. I don’t care, so here’s a gif of Alexa Bliss.

Ronda tells those who cheers that they can shove it. She doesn’t care what any of the BANDWAGON BITCHES think. Becky is the hero we deserve, like a coward. We would all cower in front of her if there wasn’t a barrier. There is no sanctuary for Becky and Charlotte. She will embarrass and humiliate charlotte and becky at Mania. She wants to make 100% sure that she can expose both of them and the WWE as the carny con-artist they’ve always been. She is walking out champion. No one can stop her. In fact, the WWE has her permission to make this into a handicap match. Becky is a joke. Charlotte is a joke. Anyone who believes in this whole charade is a joke.

Of all people that come out to defend out honor, the love child of Natalya and Lana comes out to zero cheers. Dana Brooke claims that she is not a big time fighter, but she loves this business. She worked her ass off to earn respect and prove that she belongs here. Each week, she fights for a chance, and she doesn’t get the time of day, let alone a match, so she might not be on TV and she isn’t a household name like “YOU!!!” but all she wants is a chance. She says it’s the night after a PPV and usually Ronda issues an open challenge. Her name is Dana Brooke, and she accepts.

Ronda removes her jacket and kicks Dana in the gut. Dana rolls to the outside. Ronda follows and hits a few arm drags, then sends Dana into the ring. Ronda with the military roll, lifting Dan on her shoulders. Piper’s Pit to Dana. Ronda looks to lock the arm up, but tells the crowd to “PAY SIXTY BUCKS THEN I’LL SHOW YOU AN ARM BAR.” SILLY RONDA, I HAVE THE NETWORK.

Ronda slaps the shit out of a ref.

Video package reminds us of when Batista murdered Flair.

Aleister Black and his Bath & Bodyworks candles are here.

Rico Chet is here too! They still have their NXT graphics as their names.


Match 3: Aleister Black and Ricochet vs Bobby Roode and Chad Gables

Gable and Black start. Black beats him up a bit but Gable gets a takedown the ntags in Roode. Whip to the ropes by both, Black flips over both, sends Gable to the outside, and attacks Roode with a leg sweep. Spinebuster from Roode!!! Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Roode sends Black into the corner. Tag to Gable. Roode sends Gable onto Black and gets a pin for 1..2..NO!!! Chin lock from behind by Gable. Knee to the back. He pulls back on the arm. Gable locks the head. Tags in Roode. Roode with some stomps. Back breaker and a cover for 1..2.NO!!! Roode locks up from behind. Black with some punches. Whip frop Roode into the corner. He misses a shoulder. Tag to Ricochet who attcks Rodode, hits a neckbreaker to Gable as he comes in, running hurricanrana to Roode. He hits acrossbody in the corner. Springboard, lands on his feet. Tag from Gable. Gable is in and catches Ricochet as he bounces off the ropes. Gable pulls towards the corner. Blockbuster INTO A GERMAN SUPLEX!!! Pin for 1..2..NO!! Tag to Roode. Ricochetshoves him to the outside. Gable with a moonsault, lands on his feet, Ricochet locks up, escapes, hits a lariat, in comes Roode. Roll up for 1.2….NO!! Reversal and a pin for 1..2…NO!!! Kick off the ropes from Ricochet. Tag from Black. Kick to the haed of Roode. Knee to Roode fom Ricohet.

Springboard kick to Gable sends him off the apron. BLACK MASS FROM BLACK! PIN FOR 1…2…..3!!!

Winners: Aleister Black and Ricochet
Man, Ricochet is so hard to cover some times as far as play-by-play. lol
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

As Black and Ricochet make it up the ramp, they are attacked from behind by The Revival.

IT’S TIME FOR A MOMENT OF BLISS!!!

She is so hot.

She has a scoop, y’all. She’s ready to dish it all out. Who will host Mania? Let’s look back at previous hosts: Kim Kardashian. BOOOOO! We’ve had The Rock! CHEERS! This person is more electrifying. We’ve had The New Day! Mixed Bag. This person has way more positivity. And here is your host………

Alexa Bliss!

“IT’S ME!” She is in total shock. The only thing she can say is that it is such an honor for the WWE Universe. We are welcome. Finally, the show will be hosted by the brightest star on the grandest stage of them all, and this has been your Moment of Bliss.

NO INTERRUPTION! Whoa. Prichard is really changing things.

Recap of SNL being unfunny on RAW.

Backstage, Braun’s beard cuts a promo against the SNL dude. Charley calls them guests and brings up their mania presence. Braun’s beard says the dude better stay away from him, and he doesn’t care if he has the right or not to choke out SNL White Guy. Some dude comes up and tells Braun that his car is here. Braun’s beard questions this because he is a beard and therefore cannot drive…

We return to the man handing a letter/card to Braun’s beard. It’s a letter from the cast of SNL who offer this car, and says hopefully he won’t flip it like he did McMahon’s because he doesn’t think there are any more title shots in the future. – Jost

Braun wonders what this car is made of. Braun tears the door off the hinges and the seat, and yells that it’s a gift he can’t even fit in. Braun demolishes the car with a fist and a few kicks.

Here, I’ll just show you.

Elias is in the middle of the ring and has a gift. He promised he wouldn’t return home until he was a superstar, and here he is. Elias plays a tune or two. He has a question. He asks it. Now, statistically speaking, it’s a miracle that he has had this success. He is reminded of how miserable everyone is. It’s those miserable people that hold everyone back, and that’s the advice he gave to Antonio Brown. He told Tony that he already has their money,now do what you can to force a trade and get out of this city. He looks great in Black and Silver, says Elias

Out comes…NO Way Jose with Naomi’s hair. His dancing is cut short as Elias attacks him and some of the conga line. He beats down on Jose at the bottom of the ramp. Elias with a Drift Away on the ramp. He enters the ring and asks for a mic.

Lacey Evans comes out, puts her fan in front of Renee Young’s face, then walks to the back as Nia and Tamina come down the ramp. Wow…What a sequence of events that no one cares about.

These dummies give Natalya a mic She says she doesn’t know Ronda the way she thought she did. She doesn’t trust Nia or Tamina, but she does have a best friend that isn’t Ronda, it’s Beth Phoenix.


Match 4: Nia Jax vs Natalya

Natalya goes on the attack but it’s short lived. Nia sends her across the ring with a toss. Another. Nattie kics out of the the corner, but Tamina holds her leg. Nia splashes her. Beth in the ring immediately. She attacks for a DQ.

Winner: Nia Jax via DQ
Thank GOD that was short.
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Beth sends Nia to the outside. Tamina enters and gets sent right back out. Beth talks some shit from the ring as the big girls leave.

Backstage, Sasha and Bayley are attacking Nia and Tamina! Nia foolishly grabs an agent by the head as they are there to break up the girls. Fit luckily has Sasha.

Drax Batista is here with some security.

Triple H is wearing a jacket over a t-shirt, so you know it’s real.

Batista walks alone…with security.

Batista stands there for a while. Triple H wonders if he is just going to stand there looking like a nose-ring model or come to the ring and talk like a man. Is the security there to protect HHH?

Batista says no, they are here because Batista is not stupid.

They are in flying V formation, so you know it’s real.

Batista wonders where the sledgehammer is. It’s nearby, isn’t it? Batista says he is in control, and HHH is going to give him what he wants. Give it to him. That’s why he is here.

HHH tells Dave he isn’t giving him a damned thing. How many times has he quit this company? Quit and walked away. And he is suppose to hand him shit? He’s entitled? Why? Cuz he’s in a few movies? He isn’t giving Dave anything. Since he is too big of a coward to face him, HHH will do it his way. He will step out, walk up the ramp, tear his way through the Guardians of the Independent Scene, and beat Batistas ass on that stage.

No, they are not doing this HHH’s way. By the time he gets here, Batista will be long gone. He did quit. He quit because he wanted to get as far away as HHH as he could. Always holding him down, shutting him out, that’s all he does. He’s been asking for this for years. HHH is going to give it to him or he will continue to hurt people HHH loves. HHH says he will not give him a damned thing except the beating he deserves. Face him like a man. Say it. Everyone wants to hear him say it. He doesn’t want to do it because HHH is in control. HHH will give him the beating he deserves. Batista wants him at Mania. HHH says no he will only beat his ass. Batista yells to give it to him. GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS!!! Triple H, after little hesitation, acquiesces.

Batista says, “Thank you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. One last match to end my career on my terms. And that one last match to end your career on my terms. I’ll see you at Mania.”

HHH stops him, says he’s right, he will see him at Mania, but he better dig down deep inside and find whatever is left of The Animal, because come Mania, it might be on his terms, but the match will be on HHH’s. Bring everything you have, because it will be no rules, no restrictions to what he does, no law, there will be No Holds Barred.

Batista removes his glasses, looks at the crowd, and drops the mic. He leaves to the back as The Game’s music plays.

Kurt Angle is next, in his home town. He’s in wrestling gear and a Michael Jackson glove, so chances are he’s bout to get into a little tussle.

Twenty something years ago, he left this city to win some gold at the Olympics with a broken freaking neck. He has beaten quite a few, but no matter where he went, he has always considered Pittsburgh his hometown, which is why he wanted to save this for tonight. At Wrestlemania, he will compete in his farewell match. He wants to thank the WWE and the locker room, but he also wants to thank each and every one of us. He had the time of his life. THANK YOU KURT chant.

He responds with a thank you. He says he feels it’s only right that he has one last match in his hometown then it’s on to Wrestlemania.

The man to answer his call; Apollo Crews.


Match 5: Kurt Angle vs Apollo Crews

Lockup and side headlock from Apollo. Apollo hits the ropes, shoulder tackle, hops over Angle, gets hip tossed, arm drag into a lock by Angle. Whip to Apollo who kicks out of the corner. Belly to Belly to Apollo. Apollo moves out of the corner, hits a dropkick, and covers for 1..NO! Apollo locks the head and goes for a suplex. He hits it. Cover for 1…NO! Apollo with a cravat from behind. Angle turns into the hold. Elbow to Apollo. Another. Right hand. They trade blows. Angle gets the upperhand with a German Suplex. Another. A third, and a cover. 1…2…NO! Angle goes for the Angle Slam. Arm drag by Apollo. Enziguri. Standing moonsault. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Apollo drags Angle to the corner.

Apollo heads to the top rope. Frogsplash, but Angle moves! Angle Slam! Cover for 1..2…..3!!!

Winner: Kurt Angle
Good guy Kurt
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: *1/2

Kurt hugs Apollo and holds his hand up. Apollo returns the favor then leaves the ring for Angle to soak it all in.

As Roman makes his entrance for his first RAW match in over five months, he is attacked by Drew McIntyre! He drops Reigns in the middle of the ring, then sends Reigns into the corner shoulder first. Outside the ring, Reigns fights back with a few rights, but Drew cuts it short with a huge CLAYMORE KICK!! Drew watches Reigns writhe on the ground. He tells him to fight for him. Drew waits for Reigns to stand, asking for him to fight. Reigns stands up. Another Claymore kick, this time into the ringpost. Drew promises Roman that this is just the beginning. Reigns is able to stand as the docs check on his head.

Seth Rollins comes running down to check on Reigns. Reigns says he’s ok, he’s not doing this out here. He walks to the back, tells Seth he is alright. Seth tells him its cool to say he’ snot cool. If he’s not, it’s cool. Reigns claims he just has a little headache. The doctor explains that he’s not checked out yet. Reigns puts his arm around Seth and walks up the ramp. Seth tells him to take it easy.

Backstage, Seth and Dean are walking Reigns in the back. They send Reigns through a door, but Dean stays back. He sees HHH. He says he wants to fight Drew McIntyre. Tonight. Right now. No DQ. No Countout. Falls Count Anywhere. HHH says hell yeah, it’s on.

Before the match, Drew asks dean if he is going to take this beating like a man, or is he going to squeal like his brother Roman.


Match 6: Dean Ambrose vs Drew McIntyre

Dean rushes the ramp and attacks Dean as the bell rings. Dean drops Drew on his ass hard. He flies of the stage onto Drew then sends him into some metal barricades Drew sends him into one as well. Dean grabs his head and slams it into a barricade. Drew walks towards some steps, finds them, and takes one up. Dean attacks the head. Drew is able to kick him away. He chops Dean up the steps. They work their way into the crowd. Dean elbows out then chops Drew a few times as they continue walking up the steps. Right hand from Drew. Another. Drew waits for Dean, then slams his head into the stair rail. He heads into the mezzanine area. I only say that cuz Cole does, so don’t quote me on it. Drew slams Dean into the wall. He lifts Dean and tries to toss Dean over the press box into the crowd, but Dean bits his hand. Dean flies off the table onto Drew then grabs a trash can and sends it into Drew.

Back from the break, and the boys are back near the ring. Dean hops off the barricade into the loving arms of Drew, only to get belly to belly’d. Drew picks up the steps and sends them into the face of Dean. Cover for 1……2…No. Dean with a suplex on the outside of the ring! Cover for 1..2..NO!! Drew grabs Dean, talks some shit in the ear of Dean, so Dean kicks back and hits the jewels of Drew, dropping him immediately. He slides into an attack on Drew with abunch of fists. Drew grabs a chair and hits Dean in the gut then slaps the back with a chair. Drew sends Dean onto the barricade. Dean with a kick. Drew drops the chair. Dean sends him into a bo. Dean drops Drew on the bx then pushes it, since it’s on wheels, and sends Drew into another box, which really shouldn’t do anything to Drew, but instead sends him fliyng. Elbow drop onto Drew and a cover for 1…2…NO!!Dean fights Drew up towards the ramp. Drew continues walking in that direction. They are near the table now. Inside cradle from Drew. Drew moves some stuff off the table. Drew side suplexes him onto the table! He then mounts and hits a bunch of rights. LOW BLOW FROM DREW!!! This upsets Renee immensely. Im pretty sure Drew stabs Dean with a pen in the eye. He grabs Dean and drives him into the LED board like a dart. He lifts Dean and goes for another lawn-dart move into the board. Cover for 1…2….NO!!! There is some railing nearby.

Drew locks Dean all up in it. He then hits a Claymore to the face and pins him for 1…2….3!!!!!

Winner: Drew McIntyre
Cool beans, man
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: ***

Drew stands atop the announce table and points at the Wrestlemania sign. From behind, Dean stands up! Drew cant believe it! He drops down off the table and Claymores him one more time as we go off the air.

End Show

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411's WWE RAW Report, Tony Acero