411’s WWE RAW Report 3.16.20

Keep Refreshing For The Latest WWE Raw Results

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Hey guys. As a somewhat public figure that has been speaking to you weekly for near ten years, I felt obligated to speak up on the issue we are going through as a country. As some of you know, I also run a bar in California, and although we have not yet been mandated to close, it seems inevitable. This is, in no way, a cry for help on behalf of myself. Instead, it’s for you all to do whatever you can to help those small businesses around you that may be hurting. See if they have gift cards you can buy, or if they are doing take-out orders.

On a more important note, take care of your loved ones old and young. I’m sure I speak for everyone at 411 when I say that I hope nothing for the best for all of you, and even if our little wrestling world we love to escape to is hurt for the time being, it’s a small price to pay compared to a mass amount of deaths throughout the country.

I love you all.

Thanks,

TONY ACERO

Ok, now let’s get to some crappy storytelling and slightly above average wrestling!!

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We start with King, Saxton, and Phillips in the middle of the ring. No one is in the audience, but they inform us that the WWE Superstars are ready to perform for all of us. King brings up Austin, as he will be here later tonight. Phillips wants to take us back to last week when AJ brought up Michelle. The Undertaker and AJ are both here tonight to make the match official with a contract signing.

As they bring up Edge, his music hits and the rich hobo comes out to the loud roar of the crowd.

Haha.

No he doesn’t.

He is here, though, and asks for a mic. Edge says it’s been a strange few months for he and Beth, and we get a video package.

Back to Edge in real life, saying it’s been a lnog time coming, and when he was introduced to Randy 21 years ago, he knew – his gut told him – that everything from that moment would change. Careers would intertwine. They stole the show for the IC Title. Forming RKO to destroy DX. He was proven right. All those roads, exchanging stories, they disliked the same people, owed the same man respect for seeing something in them – Mick Foley. Foley wanted to push them, hand them the torch. They grabbed it. There was one lesson he took from Mick that Orton didn’t – and that was “GRIT.” The grit he needed to stand up after 9 years, after everything he went through, to come back and compete at the Royal Rumble. They’re a lot alike, but the major difference is that Orton is.an entitled brat. He is one of the best, but Orton had all of this handed to him on a silver platter. His dad handed Orton all of this, and it kills him that Edge had to work for everything and got it. He was raised by a single parent who broke her back to make sure that his visions and dreams could come true – and it made Orton jealous that after nine years, Edge threw him out. That’s what this is really all about. This isn’t love – this is jealousy, because he can’t o what Edge does, and that tears him apart.

Two weeks ago, Beth comes back, and what no one realizes is that she was here to retire for Edge – again. She didn’t think it was fair that someone should be forced to retire for what they love two times, but Orton couldn’t let her finish.

All those years he helped pull Orton out of holes, Orton pulled him out of a hole, too. Pulled him away from making a horrible decision. Pretty simple now; at Mania – if Orton’s got the guts, then Edge v Orton: Last Man Standing Match.

Edge writes this story, and it’s not a tragedy; it’s a redemptive one. At Mania, Orton will not stand back up.

Ooooo, girl.

Earlier today, Becky Lynch drove the trailer part of a semi-truck for no reason.

We return from break, and are taken back to the Royal Rumble. Although I’m not sure if they’re showing it in its entirety, it sure does seem like it.

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I have no interest in recapping this so….WELCOME TO THE 411 ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH OF 2020!!!

Will1225 is out first to the loud roar of the crowd’s ladies under 12. There are seven. He is sporting a new tattoo of a rooster and a heart. #2 is AG Awesome and his manager/wife who has opted to not wear shoes. Both men stare each other down. The crowd is alive. We are dead. This is hell. Thus begins the Royal Rumble…

Will1225 and AG are in the corner. AG sneaks underneath and hits the ropes. He trips over a shoelace, as Will sits on the top of the corner buckle. The timer hits. The lights go out. It’s pitch black as the crowd continues the chance.
“It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy plays and it’s….
IT’S RANDY RAGSDALE!!!!
He comes out with a handicap driver decal on his neck and a fire in his eyes unike we’ve ever seen!
Randy slides under the bottom rope and gets leg dropped by Will!!!! AG helps him to grab Randy. Will and AG nod in unison. Randy is sent over the top rope! Randy’s feet touch the floor! Randy is eliminated!

We start at ten, and the crowd is chanting along, again! Will and AG, with hands on knees, await #4! They stare at the ramp, waiting for the clock to hit 1! It does! The music hits! It’s AG’s music! Confusion amongst Will and AG is obvious. Commentary is confused! Will and AG walk towards the ropes and lean over a bit, awaiting their number 4! They look at each other, giving a mutual WTF look.

OMG! AG’s wife enters the ring!!! She sneaks behind the two men! She lifts! AG AND WILL ARE ELIMINATED!!!

#5 is still ten seconds away! AG’s wife asks for the mic! It’s promo time!

“TWO WORDS! CHAIR..SHOT!”

#6 is here! It’s The Italian Stallion from Chairshot dot com! It’s Greg DeMarco! He claps on his way down to the ring. AGs wife hops over the top rope, jumps down off the apron, eliminating herself. She high fives Greg DeMarco and walks up the ramp. DeMarco is in the ring, all smiles.

#7 skips the entire countdown! It’s Larry Csonka! He’s wearing a cape because he fucking can! Greg asks for the mic. Larry isn’t having it! He rushes the ring and slides in! LARRY REMOVES HIS LEG AND BEATS GREG WITH IT!!! Greg hops over the top rope, falling to the mat! DeMarco is eliminated! Larry holds his leg up high in the air and screams, “THIS IS 411!!!!”

#8 is Jeremy Thomas! He’s here in a ponytail, glasses, and a clipboard. He is not smiling. Jeremy goes around the ring as Larry stands tall. He grabs a mic, “Larry…we’ve talked about this. You are not medically cleared to wrestle. You have three thousand more wrestling matches to review and only two days to complete these review. I’m afraid I have to ask you to leave…”

Loud boos from the crowd. Larry smirks and asks Jeremy to come into the ring. He goes in for a hug. The two behemoths of 411 lore hug it out in the middle of the ring. Larry then tosses Jeremy out of the ring!!!!

The buzzer goes off! Three men come out! They must be #9, #10, and #11!!! Who is it? J&J is in the front! One man is masked! He removes it! He’s wearing another mask! It’s Muarizio! The third man smirks! He’s instantly recognizable! It’s Paul Roma! The announcer announces them collectively as THE UNEMPLOYED! They circle the ring Shield style!

Larry ain’t no bitch. He readies himself for the attack. The Unemployed take their sweet time. They don’t have jobs. Sense of urgency has left their mind. They, literally, wait for – like – ever to hop on the apron.

Music blares! It’s Scott Slimmer!! He’s surrounded by five men in all black! They have large white asterisks on their chest! Slimmer is followed by five stars!! Slimmer is announced as the sole entry. He rushes the ring, slides in, and stands side by side with Larry. The five stars stand behind Larry.

The Unemployed enter the ring. The five stars attack!!! Roma is quick to grab Slimmer! Slimmer reverses a clothesline and hits one of his own. Larry backs J&J into a corner. Four stars attack Maurizio. Maurizio ties up with one in the opposite corner. Roma is able to slip Slimmer over the top rope with ease! He is then sent over immediately after by one of the stars! Larry has had enough! He goes Super Csonka and sends two stars over the ropes! Slimmer can’t believe it! Csonka screams THREE STARS!!!

There’s three men in all black, Maurizio, Csonka, Roma, and Slimmer left in the ring. Csonka makes quick work of the three remaining stars, making it two on two. Slimmer and Csonka smile as they stare down Maurizio and J&J.

#12 comes out to the theme of Happy Days! It’s 411’s own resident power of positivity man, Steve Cook!!! Cook is sporting a Reds hat and the most genuine smile you’ve ever seen. His shirt reads, “It is what it is” and he waves to the crowd as the four in the ring turn to give him his just due.

The four in the ring turn back towards each other. They lock up! Larry with J&J, Maurizio with Slimmer. Slimmer whips. HUGE shoulder tackle drops Maurizio. Larry ducks under a high kick and sweeps the leg, breaking J&J’s in the process. J&J holds up an X in the air. No one cares. Larry lifts him with ease and sends him over the top rope, right in front of Cook. Cook, still smiling, decides he is going to make a list of the top 7 people getting tossed over the top rope after a leg injury for next week’s column.

Steve finally makes it into the ring. He waits in the corner as Slimmer hits a FIVE STAR Rating (a Finger Poke of Doom) to Maurizio. Maurizio removes the mask! He sneezes! Slimmer is blinded! He backs into the area where Cook is standing. Cook moves to the side! Slimmer trips over the top! He lands on the apron. Cook realizes this is an easy elimination. He kicks lightly into Slimmer’s side. Slimmer drops off the apron, still reaching for his eyes! Maurizio feels horrible! He hops over the top as well! He checks on Slimmer. Slimmer can’t see! Maurizio tries to apologize! Slimmer realizes who it is and they fight all the way to the back!

Csonka is reaching twenty minutes in the ring! He sees Cook in the corner. Steve holds his hands up slightly as if to say, “Is what it is, amirite?” Csonka smiles. He points towards the stage, noting that #13 will be out soon.

Radiohead’s “Creep” plays into the crowd. IT’S JUSTIN WATRY!!!!

The crowd is LIVID! Boos are loud and trash gets tossed from the stands to the ramp! Watry predicted this, and has a leaf blower with him! He tosses the trash aside as he makes his way to the ring! Watry enters the ring. Cook and Csonka stand in the middle. Watry extends his hand. Csonka looks him in the eyes confused. He turns to Cook. “Who is this?” Cook replies, “I think his name is Wes Kirk.”

DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! Csonka tosses Watry, but he slips through the middle and bottom rope!! !

#14’s music hits! He’s out on a bike with a pizza on the back! He’s got a delivery to make! The announcer struggles with his last name! It’s Johnny Pizza Boy Favashevitz! HE circles the ring like he’s The Undertaker, complete with a kickstand park job and walks up the steps, ready to take on 411 legends!

#15 is Benjamin J The Butcher! He’s wearing his blood stained white apron and comes out with a hatchet! He’s pulling a wagon! There’s a white cloth covering it! He wheels the wagon down to the bottom of the ramp and screams for Csonka’s attention. Csonka, who is currently no-selling Pizza Boys chops, tosses him to the side and looks over to Benjamin. Benji removes the cloth! It’s a pile of wrapped premium aged beef! Larry’s eyes widen! He thinks of his smoker at home and how Ron Swanson himself would be jealous of this heap of grade A beef. Larry looks to the men behind him in the ring and back at the wagon of meat.

A choice is made.

Larry hops over the top rope and grabs the wagon Benjamin extends his hand for a shake. Larry is all smiles. The meat is his for the taking. Benjamin is all smiles. He enters the ring where Steve Cook and Johnny F are locked up. Cook surprises everyone when he locks in an Octopus hold! Benjamin grabs Johnny off of Cook and starts punching him a few times. Cook looks over and realizes Larry is leaving. He yells for Larry. Larry points towards the meet. Cook considers the invitation. His consideration is cut short because Johnny F is whipped into Cook, causing Cook to head over the top rope!

#16 is Mr. Flibble!! Coming out as El Flibble Negro, his masked persona, he rushes the ring! Flibble hops onto the apron. He springboards! Clothesline to Johnny F! Clothesline to Benjamin J! Enziguri to Johnny F! Kip up! He’s a HOUSE! EN! FUEGO!!! Flibble hops to the corner! He’s in love with the crowd. The crowd is in love with him!

The lights go pink. Number 17 is on his way out! The tron goes white. A picture of a hot Asian shows up on the screen! It’s Vanessa! Flibble is stunned! Tony Acero is behind him!! He sends FLibble flying! Flibble lands on his feet! He’s eliminated!

Acero, Benjamin J, and Johnny F. are in the ring. They mutually realize they’ve never met and take this time to high five and offer adulation. Tony’s girlfriend is still on the screen, and no one cares except the sponsors. After a few more seconds of hamhaws and jib jabs (fake words), the three men clap hands and we got ourselves a triple threat! But wait!

#18 is here! It’s Will1226, Will1225’s younger brother! He looks just like him, but he’s slightly more racist! 1225 goes straight for the pizza on Johnny F’s bike! He walks in the ring with the box, waits for Johnny to turn, and smacks him over the head with the pineapple and ham pizza – the worst of the pizzas! Johnny sells it like a champ. He’s out! 1225 tosses the box aside and grabs Johnny, looking to eliminate him. Tony and Benjamin are stuck talking about the travesties of the writing team of this specific rumble and begin to have a very introspective talk about the intricacies of breaking the fourth wall within the confines of ones’ own creation.

#19 is SPANKYHAMM!!! He runs into the ring and goes straight to Tony, telling him that this is all a dream and the real world is quarantined due to a pandemic that is causing fear all across the globe. Tony isn’t having it. He continues to berate Benjamin and Spanky, holding his hands over his ears and screaming no over and over. Spanky tries to help him. He tells him this isn’t real. Tony yells that it’s still real to him! He leaves over the top rope, running up the ramp, yelling and falling deeper and deeper into his own nightmare….

#20 is KipSmithers! He takes enough time to get to the ring for #21 to make his own entrance, and it’s Bender! Bender has replaced his legs with wheels and rolls down the ramp! His robotic arms pull himself into the ring. He blinks and bleeps into the face of Benjamin J! Benjamin kicks the tin man and suffers a broken toe immediately! Racist Will is there to tell Bender he is nothing but a slave and that he will own him! Bender rips his arm off. Things get bloody and the screen goes black!

We are back. The ring is a mess! Blood spots everywhere! Benjamin and Spanky are outside at commentary, who update us that Bender has been taken into custody (being sure to arrest him over the top rope), and Racist Will is dead due to loss of blood and couth. They also inform us that #22 was Metallian, #23 was Goalfather, and #24 was rjc! Too bad, they were all eliminated in the dark…

It’s Kip, Spanky, Johnny F, and Benjamin left in the ring! Four of the manliest men that ever did man! They each stand in a corner, staring each other down. Camera work makes you feel like this is far more important than it really is. The testosterone is immense. The height of masculinity is in the ring. You could feel the hoss oozing from the squared circle until…

#25!!!

It’s CONNIEE!!!!!

Connie is here with her stable, TOXIC FEMINIMITY!!! They circle the ring like a period, stare at the bloodied mat, and allow their synched cycles to create a movement that is so fluid, it’s crazy! They attack the four men in the ring. Connie screams like a banshee! She screams for Hilary and one by one, the men fall! Benjamin J is first, as Connie uses The Bra Burner on him then sends him over the top! Equality Flatliner is hit Spanky, and he’s next! Johnny F gets hit with a Momma Raised You Better and he’s sent over the top rope! Kip goes face to face with Toxic Femininity. He’s no match. They all lift him up and toss him over the top rope! Connie is left alone in the middle of the ring, hoisted up by her stable.

A plucky and high energy song hits. The lights go green and pink. Connie is let down by her stable. She stands in front of her stable. They stand behind her, waiting for the next move.

#26 is THE GREEN AND GLITCHABLE BRAIN!!!!! She rushes the ring! TF leaves the ring! They and Connie stand outside as GG slides int othe ring, hits the ropes! SUICIDE DIVE INTO THE MASSSIVE HOLE THAT IS TOXIC FEMINIMITY!!!! GG stands tall and screams!!! She grabs Connie! She rolLS her into the ring. GG follows! She kicks Connie in the C***! STUNNER!!! BRAIN ELIMINATES CONNIE!!!!

And now, a word from WWE RAW…

Commentary tells us the Mania facts, namely that it will be going down at the Performance Center. We head to two weeks ago where Heyman had a warning for McIntyre.

Afterwards, we get the contract signing between Taker and Styles.

The lights go out, and Taker is coming out first…

Taker ain’t havin the theatrics. He comes out in a fishtail and his straps dropped. He flips a few chairs and the table. Taker is pissed. This must be Mark.

We go to commercial.

It appears there will be no signing. Taker is too pissed. But not pissed enough for them to air the Royal Rumble in its entirety before flipping a table.

Another preview for the upcoming match. I guess there was no contract present for The Undertaker to sign, which is what angered Taker.

AJ’s music hits, but he’s not in a hurry to come out. His music stops and still no AJ. It starts over, and the beanie wearing Taker is furious. AJ doesn’t come out, yet again.

AJ is on the screen. He has the contract. He and The OC are playin games. It was AJ who challenged Taker, yet here they are in the PC where tons of people come through these halls hoping to be just like The Undertaker. AJ sdidn’t have to come through here, but whatever. He says it’s 2020, and Taker keeps interjecting himself in a world that would rather have him removed from it. You don’t see Favre or Manning interjecting themselves into the Super Bowl, but you can sure bet that Taker will interject himself into Mania season. What a surprise. Again, he knows whose fault this is…Michelle McCool. Ol Money Michelle. She helps him dust off the jacket and hat and watches Taker embarrass himself. AJ tells Mark that he is a shell of his former self. That flame he once had is gone. Taker has stuck his nose in OC business twice. AJ should have seen him coming at EC, but he didn’t. At Mania, the lights can go off, but you can’t hide and they know Taker can’t run, so when it’s over, AJ will gladly pay for Taker’s assisted living cost. He’s doing everyone a favor when he finally has Taker rest in peace.

AJ signs the contract. He then tells The OC to take the contract to The Undertaker. They aren’t down. AJ convinces Anderson to take it and Gallows to go with him.

Uh oh…

Commentary calls this a cop out move. And here come The OC. They are hesitant to hand it over. They slide it into the ring. The lights hit after Taker’s dong hits, and they come back on to Taker behind The OC.

The OC turn and the Deadman sends them both into the barricade. Right hand to Gallows. Whip to Anderson into the steps. Taker with another right. He beats down on Gallows. Taker heads over to Anderson and sends him into the barricade. Taker signs the contract and shoves it into the mouth of Anderson.

So….Rey Mysterio is out, and for no discernable reason, Asuka is on commentary…

Match 1: Andrade vs Rey Mysterio
Asuka is very pro Andrade…I think…

Andrade stomps the back of Rey then snapmares into a running kick. Stomps to the back. Andrade drops an elbow to the back of Rey. Andrade with a chop. Whip to the roeps. Rey kicks the chest. They lock fingers and Rey chops the chest. Springboard into a hurricanrana. Rey gets setn over the to rope. Kick to the mid section. Andrade grabs Rey as the ref is distracted. Rey high kicks then heads to the top rope. He flies. DROPKICK from Andrade!!!

We are back, and Rey is on the shoulders. He turns and sends Andrade into the corner. Rey on the apron. Andrade rolls into the ring Rey springboards. Flies. Seated senton. He hits the ropes. Hurricanrana , Andrade rolls up, Rey rolls through, kick to the head, Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Springboard moonsault from Re, but Andrade catches. Rey floats over, drop toe hold sets Andrade up! Running back elbow from Andrade! Cover for 1..2…NO!!!! Andrade grabs the head. Suplex. Andrade goes for a second one to the boos of no crowd. He goes for the third, slaps his chest, but Rey escapes and sends Andrade into the 2nd rope. 619!!!!

Rey to the top rope!!! He flies! Splash and a cover for 1..2…3!!!

Winner: Rey Mysterio

Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *1/2

Asuka has a seizure.

Becky comes out to cut a promo while I get a call from the owner of my spot saying we have to close the doors, so I don’t get the message, but I’m sure its along the lines of her maiming Baszler. Shayna is watching backstage, seething.

#27 is here! It’s EC3!!!! EC3 is in the Tokyo Dome!!! He comes out, points at his letters, then turns! His shirt reads INSIDE PULSE, and his trunks have the letters SK on the crotch!!! Massive boos from the crowd! He turns towards the ring and points his heel finger at Brian, but wait!!!

THOMAS VICTOR DOVE THE THIRD!!!

THOMAS VICTOR DOVE THE THIRD attacks from behind!!!! He sends EC3 into the announcers!! EC3 tumbles over Jerry Lawler. THOMAS VICTOR DOVE THE THIRD grabs a chair! He attacks, smacking EC3 across the back over and over and over!!! THOMAS VICTOR DOVE THE THIRD grabs something from his pants! It’s a SILVER SPOON!!!! He grabs EC3 by the face and shoves the spoon down his throat! Refs come out to split the two third generation fools apart!!!! They won’t budge!

Commentary informs us of a rich history between the three thoroughbreds. Apparently, their familes have been feuding for generations, all over the proper ownership of a silver spoon! I can’t make this up!*

*I made this up…

Owens wants to cut a promo on Rollins. He knows Seth has been watching and he has an answer. He accepts, but since the challenge was issued, Owens has been wondering when and where, but now he has his answer. It’s going to happen at the PC. Why? Because there’s no better place. For months, Seth has had the advantage.

He’s had his goons get in the ring, but here, he has the homefield. Seth never spent time here but Owens has. He was born in it, molded by it. He didn’t see WWE main roster till he was already a man.

He is going to beat Set him the middle of the ring in the same building where he earned his place in the WWE, and he will do it at Mania.

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“LET’S LIGHT IT UP!”

#29 IS….AJ LEE!!!!

AJ Lee skips her way down to the empty ring. She is grinning from ear to ear. She looks amazing. AJ turns to the crowd and grins, even as some start a Sasha chant. AJ gets in the ring as only she can, and sits on the ropes like she does. Somewhere backstage, Acero is staring lovingly and longingly.

King and Co are rebuilding their table and getting ready for the close of the Rumble.

AJ stands as the countdown starts. She stretches to and fro as the crowd counts.

10…
9…
8…
7…
6…
5…
4…
3…
2…
1…

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Lol Austin’s music hits, and he comes out smiling at no one. It’s great.

Austin says he’s bout to come out and make a declaration. He wants to declare that from here on out, the sixteenth day of March is a national holiday. If you wanna know what it’s about, give him a hell yeah.

Lol we hilariously go to the crowd, and it’s empty, then he asks again, and Byron says it…only for Austin to say WHAT. Byron does it again, and we get Austin says this is what it’s about:

“3:16 day is when someone gives you a load of crap, you give it back to them by giving them a certain hand gesture with one finger.”

Byron holds up an 8….

Austin thanks him for the participation. Austin then says reads a card upside down. It’s a day where you can open up a can of whoop ass on anyone you want. Byron holds up a 6. Austin is bothered by this. Austin says 3:16 day is a day where you don’t give a damn and happy hour is 24 hours long. Nine from Byron

What the fuck…is this?

Austin says that 3:16 day is when your boss works for you. Seven from Byron.

THIS SHIT IS HORRIBLE

Anyway, Becky Lynch comes down to drink a beer with Austin cuz she’s obviously the woman version….

Let’s get back to the Rumble…

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It’s JAKE CHAMBERS!!! #30 IS JAKE FUCKING CHAMBERS!!!!

Chambers is out! The crowd hates him!! AJ has no idea who he is! She heads towards the ropes! She looks on, still unsure who the hell this is! Chambers is wearing a WWE is #1 shirt! He points to the sky! Chambers gets pyro!!!

AJ is ready!

From under the ring, WATRY CLIMBS INTO THE RING!!!! HE TOSSES AJ LEE!!! AJ LEE FALLS TO THE OUTSIDE!!!! Watry is in the middle of the ring in his black sweats and Rancid t-shirt! Chambers stares him down! Chambers enters the ring, scowling! Face is distorted! Watry seethes. They look to clash…

BUT THEY HUG!!!!!

Wait! THE ENTIRE 411 COMMENTORS ROOM EMPTIES OUT!!! THEY COME OUT IN DROVES!!! 411 GRABS WATRY! THEY GRAB CHAMBERS! THEY TOSS BOTH MEN OUT!!!! 411 WINS!!!!

END SHOW!

Thank you guys for joining me in this difficult time, and for playing along! Love you all!!!