411’s WWE RAW Report 3.9.20

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This is where I put something witty for no discernable reason that few actually read.

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RAW starts with Becky, and the time for jokes is over. She brings up Shayna. Shayna said the word, “bitch,” so you know it’s real. Becky brings up how Shayna chopped down, in minutes, the one person in her career that has taken her forever to beat. She sings the praise of Shayna, and says she is also a world-class scumbag and a black hole of charisma. Becky says she may be a bitch, but she’s the bitch that runs this division. She brings up Shayna not shaking her hand last year, and now she sees that Shayna is the biggest threat since Becky pried the title from Ronda’s broken hand.

Becky says that she has been hiding in the shadows for over a year looking to rewrite history, because normal people like Becky don’t beat trained killers like Shayna, but she did. So Mania, Heart v Skill, The Man v The Queen of Spades, but Shayna is underestimating Becky, and Becky is going to smash her face in for it.

Match 1:
Rey rushes the corner, gets a side headlock, hops under the legs of Angel, then hurricanranas him into the buckle. Garza works the arm from behind, but Rey gets a headlock takedown then goes for another hurricanrana, only for Angel to stop the momentum and send Rey flying away, then kicks him in the chest. Angel locks up from behind. Rey hits an elbow, rope work, Rey lifts up in the corner to float over, but Angel Superkicks Rey in the face! Running dropkick sends Rey to the outside.

We get the dumb ass PIP commercials as Angel covers for 1..2..NO!!! He works the ankle, kicking Rey in the hammy a few times, then looking for a catapult, sending Rey into the corner chest-first. Angel grabs Rey, kicks him down a bit, then steps on the head of Rey. Ref separates them but Angel rushes the corner again, seating Rey on the top, and pulling at the mask. Angel poses, Rey elbows him back then down. Rey is hung up in the corner. Angel with a right hand. He drags Rey and covers him for 1..2.NO! Angel with a headlock from above, Rey stands into the hold and shoves Angel away, but Angel lifts Rey and drops him onto a swinging kick to the chest. Angel hangs Rey on the 2nd rope then calls for his own version of 619. He hits the ropes, but Mysterio is up and kicks him in the face! Rey sends Garza to the outside, then kicks him off the apron. Rey hits the ropes and slides through the bottom, hitting a sick splash onto Angel. Rey sends Angel back in and hops on the apron. Springboard seated senton, Rey hits the ropes and gets another one, Angel rolls through, rey kicks him in the head, cover for 1.2….NO!!Rey springboards off the middle rope, but Angel catches him, locks the head, and drops Rey onto the ropes then onto the mat with a reverse suplex. Cover for 1..2..NO!!Angel on the 2nd rope, Rey goes for the 619, Angel ducks it and hits a superkick! Garza looking to clip the wings, so Rey backs into the corner to stop it. Rey kicks Garza away then hits a few rights. Headbutt from Angel. Rey punches the ribs. A

ngel drops, Rey flies, goes for the Destroyer, but Garza catches him, so Rey sends him onto the 2nd rope! 619! Rey falls off the ropes with an elbow drop looking thing. Pin for 1..2…..3!!!!

Winner: Rey Mysterio
Fun
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ***1/2
Total Rating: ***1/4

Rey walks backwards proudly as commentary talk about the tag team champions and Owens. Apparently, earlier today, Owens was taking a stroll until he runs into Buddy Murphy and the AOp and Seth, who has his own bag of popcorn. You know it’s popcorn, cuz the bag says popcorn.

Owens grabs his luggage and throws it at The AOP then the attack happens. Owens eventually gets overtaken as they kick his head in and toss a bunch of random backstage shit onto him. Agents come in to move everyone away and scream for the medic.

We get a video package of Rhea visiting the home of Wrestlemania this year, along with some baby and childhood pics of her then her intro to NXT nd how some would claim she looked like Charlotte. She quotes Ric Flair, and says Charlotte is considered one of the best. The thematic music they use remind me of something a porno would use for a parody of Pirates of the Caribbean.

Afterwards, Charlotte is here for the live crowd. I assume she’s here to cut a horrible promo, so let’s get it over with…

Charlotte is confused; she brings up Flair’s quote. So Rhea wants to be the best, but she doesht want to be anything like Charlotte? Rhea is not Charlotte, and she will never be here, and there is only one of her. Rhea continue to be all shiny, and the next big thing, and enjoy all the hype, because it’s not going to last. She is fighing for the NXT title to teach Rhea a lesson. It’s one thing to stand in an empty stadium to talk about hopes and dreams, and there’s another to stand in front of 90,000 people and be humbled by the queen.

Rhea is here.

Charlotte seems annoyed. Rhea wants to explain something, but Charlotte cuts her off and says they’ve heard enough. This isn’t NXT, it’s RAW, and it’s her kingdom. Charlotte excuses Rhea with a smile, so Rhea hits her with a right.

Oh yay, another face who strikes first.

Randy Orton is practicing his creepy horror film villain in the fog walk.

Match 2: Bobby Lashley vs Zack Ryder

Close your eyes. Count to ten. Open them. Lashley pins Ryder for the 1..2..3!!

Winner: Bobby Lashley

Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Aleister Black is sitting in his chair until….HE GETS A KNOCK ON HIS DOOR!

Ah, it’s Seth and Murphy. Seth says that Buddy has said a lot about him. Seth is an expert at the numbers game, and it appears Black has had issues with this. Seth wants Black on his side. Seth offers Black a shirt. Black says perhaps not, and tosses the shirt back at Murphy. Seth wants to be clear: Either he is with Seth, or against him.

Black says those words sound like fighting words, which, in this case, Seth knocked on the right door, because he accepts. Seth walks away angrily.

Match 3: Erick Rowan vs Drew McIntyre
Rowan charges, but Drew hits abig boot. Iron Claw from Rowan, but Drew escapes and clotheslnies Rowan to the outside. He pulls Drew out, and Drew sends him into the post, then into the barricade, then hits a belly to belly overhead suplex. Drew rolls into the ring then out of the ring. He eyes the cage. Drew grabs it and puts it down on the floor. He then grabs the steps and CRUSHES THE CAGE!!! Rowan is pissed. He rushes Drew, but Drew hits a headbutt.

He enters the ring, grabs Rowan, gets shoved, sends Rowan into the corner, double underhook, Future Shock DDT. Kip up. Claymore. Pin for 1..2..3!!!

Winner: Drew McIntyre
Are we done with the cage?
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

Match 4: Asuka and Kairi Sane vs Liv Morgan and Natalya
Liv and Kairi to start. Sane backs Liv into the ropes then gives her a fake smile, and smacks her face. Liv slaps the hand away then shoves Sane. She Matrix style dodges a clothesline and rolls up for 1.2..NO!!! Sane hits the roeps, flips up and hurricanranas the head. Sane runs, gets drop toe held into the ropes. Dropkick to the back and a cover from Liv. Tag to Nattie who comes in with a pni for 1.2..NO!!! Sane holds onto the ropes while Nattie notices Ruby Riott coming down the ramp.

We come back to the match with Asuka dropping Liv on her ass and Ruby cheering this on loudly. Asuka works the arm from behind. She gets Liv to the ropes and Liv escapes, then tries to fight out. Asuka stomps her down theough, then whips her into the corner and hits a bunch of right hands. Asuka drags Liv to the center of the ring and works the arm some more. Liv stands and hits a righ hand. Another, Asuk sends her into the heel corner. Right hand to Sane. Liv hops off the 2nd rope with a dropkick to Asuka. Tag to Nattie. Whip to Asuka and they double hip toss Asuka. Cover for 1..2.NO! Asuka distracts while Sane pulls on the injured arm of Nattie. Sane to the top rope .She drops a move on the arm. Tag to Asuka, and she flies off the top with an axe handle. Tag to Sane who heads t oth top rope to drop another fist onto the arm of Nattie. Asuka kicks Nattie in the arm a few times.

Sarah Logan is now out to stand on the side of Ruby and stare on.

In the ring, Natie hits a body slam onto Asuka. Ruby and Sarah seemingly notice that each other exists and they fight back and forth. Liv Morgan is on the top rope and dives onto both girls. Nattie is all alone. Elbow to Sane. She kicks Sane away. Rolup to Sane. 1….NO! Spinning discus clothesline and a pin for 1..2…..NO! Lockup from behind by Sane. Elbow from Nattie. Tag from Asuka.

Nattie goes for a sharpshooter on Sane, though. She locks it in, but Asuk is legal. Asuka with a kick to the back of the head. Pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winners: Asuka and Kairi Sane
Obviously, Nattie, you have poor judgment.
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *1/2

AJ Styles is here and he is pissed. Twice, Taker has taken moments from him. He stole a beautifu trophy from AJ. Last night, Taker cost him a match. He brings up Taker and Reigns. Taker took off his coat and hat and laid them nice and neat in the middle of the ring. He walked up the ramp and threw his fist up as if he was riding off into the sunset. AJ thinks he should have done it when Brock beat him. Point is, it was a bueatiful and powerful moment, and The Undertaker ruined it when he came back to the WWE. Was it Taker’s ego? The spotlight? Whatever it is, it’s going to cost Taker because AJ wants him at Mania. 10-15 years ago, he may have hesitated, but the truth is that he doesn’t see this mythical monster anymore; this phenom. What he does see is a broken down old man named Mark Calloway. Taker should have retired 10 years ago when he was in his prime. AJ thinks he knows why Taker keeps coming back, but he’s got a good idea…

It’s Michelle McCool. AJ hopes she’s watching at home. She and Taker are married, and she plays him like a fiddle. Whatever she wants, she gets, despite her husband getting hurt every time he steps into this ring. They’ve got a beautiful family; everything is great, she’s just so conniving. The most he’s ever met in his life. Boo all we want, the truth is the truth.

AJ speaks directly to The Undertaker and says that his wife is going to run him into the ground, and he’s goin to help her. He’s going to make sure The Undertaker dies in the ring at Wrestlemania. In other words, AJ will take The Undertaker’s soul at Wrestlemania. He’s going to do exactly what McCool wants AJ to do. He’s challenging The Undertaker to a one-on-one match at Mania. AJ tells Taker that we people don’t give a damn about Taker. Accept his challenge, fight him at Mania, and AJ promises that he will literally put the nail in his coffin.

Randy Orton is still chillin in someone’s garage.

Charley wants his thoughts. Orton is holding his sweater vest like it’s a Jansport.

Forgive me, fellas, I missed this 24/7 title defense against Cedric Alexander, but he beat Ceddie and got to stand tall in the middle of the ring.

We come back to the show with MVP already in the ring talking about insignificance. Ah, isn’t that just a beautiful dose of irony.

MVP wants to talk about Edge and says that with his guidance and leadership, he could lead Edge back to the prominence that he once held. He can make Edge a champ, again. But he’s gotta focus.

Edge is here. He removes his beanie to expose his homelessness face. MVP claims to have a proposition for Edge. Edge’s music hits, and out comes hobo Edge.

Edge grabs the mic and yells for Orton to grow a set and come out right now. MVP says Edge is focused on the wrong things, out here embarrassing himself. MVP then asks about Edge’s wife. Edge turns to MVP.

SPEAR

Orton is here! He slides in the ring and attacks Edge!! Right hands. Edge shoves him. RKO FROM EDGE!!!!

Edge leaves the ring and grabs a chair. He grabs another. Orton slithers out of the ring. MVP goes to attack Edge. Edge locks in a submission, staring at Orton the entire time.

Edge gives MVP the conchairto. The crowd asks for it again, so he obliges.

Edge’s music hits. Orton stares at the top of the ramp. He turns to leave. Edge rushes out of the ring! He’s on the chase!

We go to commercial!!

We are back, and Edge is stopped to be informed that Orton has left the building. He stares in shock, silently…until a phone vibrates in the background.

Match 6: Aleister Black vs Seth Rollins

They lock up to start until Seth works the arm. They hit the ropes. Seth goes for the stomp, but Black moves and tries for Black Mass, only for Seth to dodge that. Seth rolls out of the ring. Black back flips into criss cross apple sauce and we get a commercial.

We come back to Black hitting the middle buckle face first. Seth beats down on the back of his head with some right hands. Chop from Seth. Right hand in the corner. Chop again. Rollins goes fo ra knee off the top, but Black rolls through and gets some kicks and rights. Leg sweep. Hits the ropes. Kick to the face. Kip up from Black. He hits the ropes, moonsault to Rollins. Murphy on te rope. Right hand. Rollup from Seth. 1..2..NO!!! Seth mises a kick, Black kicks Seth into the ropes, antoher kick to the face. GERMAN into a pin! 1..2..NO!!!! Murphy interrupts for the DQ.

Winner: Aleister Black via DQ
Just a tease
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Black attacks Murphy. Seth calls out his goons. They attack Black with Seth holding him.

The Viking Raiders rush down the ring to attack AOP. They get both men in the corners. Seth and Murphy come in to attack. The Street Profits are here to help. They rush down the ring and attack Seth and Murphy. Everybody goin wild till the faces send the heels to the outside. I smell an eight man…

Match 7: The Street Profits and The Viking Raiders vs Seth Rollins, Buddy Murphy, and The AOP
Murphy and Ford to start. Ford shoves him nit e corner, Murphy kicks out of the corner. Whip to the corner, Ford flips away and hits a drop kick. Whip to the ropes, Murphy hops over and ets a dropkick. Looks like Dawkins got a tag. Cover for 1..2.NO! Elbow from Buddy, another one. Tag to Akam. Tag to Ibar. Right hands to the face, whip , reversed, and Akam hits a right hand. Kick from Ibar. Tag to Erik who comes in to send Akam into a knee, then hit Akam with a knee of his own. Tag to Ibar. Akam clubs Ibar down. Tag to Seth. Whip attempt, but Ibar is too strong. He eats a right hand instead. Ta to uddy, who helps Seth to whip Ibar. He then whips Seth right into a seated senton. Tag to Erik. Erik body slams Ibar onto Buddy. Chin check from Murphy. Tag to Razar. Tag to Ford who comes in and chops the shit out of Razar, but Razar no sells. Ford with a kick, another kick, and a dropkick. He is sent over the top rope. Ford to the top rope, he flies, Razar catches him. Fallaway Slam. Tag to Akam. Double team on Ford for a bit. Tag to Murphy. He comes in to attack Ford, who is in heel corner. Ford rolls over Murphy, crawl under the legs, kicks Buddy away, and tags in Erik. He trucks Buddy down a few times then hits a T-Bone suplex. Razar is in. Erik grabs him, whips, reversed, Erik flips over, running knee. Erik hits the ropes. He flies with a suicide dive, but Razar catches him. They go face to face, but here comes Buddy, rinning off the apron with double knees to the FAYYCEEEE!!!

We are back, and Seth is beating down Erik while the others knock down everyone else off the apron. Seth tags in Buddy as he sends Erik into the corner. Tag to Akam and he hits a few knees in the corner. Tag to Razar who gives Erik a knee to the face. The faces are back up on the apron. Tag to Akam. Right hands to the neck and a cravat. Akam with a knee to Erik. Tag to Seth, and they double team Erik down with some kicks. Erik with a right. Seth gets one of his own. Erik back. Seth forth. Erik with one straight to th head. Front-faced headlock from Seth. Erik fights upward out of the hold. Ibar gets sent off the apron and Erik flips Seth then hits a hard knee to the face. Tag to Ford, who springboard frog splashes Murphy!!! Dropkick to Razar. Dropkick to Akam. DDT to Murphy! Kip up. Standing moonsault to Murphy. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Ford gets sent over the top rope. He is on the top. He gets pushed!!! Buddy stands, tags in Akam, who goes over to Ford and sends him into the barricade. He gets sent back into the ring and Akam stomps down hard. Akam grabs the head and whips Ford into the corner. Tag to Buddy who gives Ford a kick to the side. Another kick. Snapmare. Buddy attacks the back. Seth talks shit. Buddy strikes the lower back with a right forearm. He then chokes Ford up on the ropes. Ford gives Set a right hand to the face as the ref is distracted. He kicks Buddy away, but Buddy locks up from behind. Snapmare again from Buddy and a kick to follow up. Tag to Seth. Whip to Ford. He chops the chest then whips Ford back-first.

Seth gets cocky, holding Ford’s hand out for the mocking tag. Ford rolls him up for 1..2..NO!! Chinlock from behind by Seth. Elbow from Seth. Tag to Buddy. Suplex. Cover for 1..2..NO! Kick to the back of Ford. Chinlock from behind. Ford fights out with an elbow. Buddy with a back suplex. Buddy turns and gets kicked in the face! Ford tags in Ibar. He trucks Seth, slams Akam, destroys Razar with his gooch, and clotheslines Akam down hard. Tag to Erik. Ibar hits the ropes for a double team, but Akam takes him down off the apron! Superkick to Erik by Rollins. Falcon Arrow! Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Ford there to stop it. Buddy in, High kick from Ford. Akam in with a spinebuster. Dawkins spears his ass down, hard elbow from Razar. Knee from Erik to Razar! Rollins kicks, Erik lifts him mid air and slams him down hard. Tag to Ford. Ford to the top rope! FROG SPLASH! Cover for 1..2…..NO!!!!! Murphy there to stop it! Right hand from Dawkins. The Viking Raiders hit the ropes. Suicide Dive! Rollins with a knee off the top rope to Dawkins. Ford tangles up with Seth on the ropes. Kick to the chest of Rollins.

Ford points to Mania, hypes himself uo, then flips over the top rope onto everyone…except Seth, who is in the ring. Ford enters the ring. STOMP FROM ROLLINS!!!!

Winners: Seth Rollins, Buddy Murphy, and The AOP
Fun, but kinda pointless.
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **1/4

Kevin Owens is here to attack!!! AOP help Seth, but Owens hits a stunner on Akam, then holds the ropes for Razar to head out. Stunner to Murphy. STOMP TO OWENS!!!! One more for fun!

Rollins decides two isn’t enough. He hits the ropes and gets in another stomp before the show ends.

End Show

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