411’s WWE RAW Report 4.9.18

Keep Refreshing For The Latest Results

Wrestlemania happened last night, and if I had a one word review for it, the word would probably be “underwhelming.” And just like the WWE, the more things change, the more they stay the same – so here is a shameless plug of my podcast that has nothing to do with wrestling and everything to do with drinking!

Anyways…..WRESSSTTTTLLIIIINNNNGGGG!!!!

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And what better way to start the best RAW of the year than with the great and always loved Stephanie McMahon?

You know, I told my friends last night, that now that WWE is firmly aware of how much we enjoy and anticipate the RAW after Mania, they are going to effectively ruin the mystique behind it by trying too damned hard. Let’s see if this holds water or not.

Huge YOU TAPPED OUT chant. Stephanie says she expected a little bit more from us. She knows the night after Mania has a certain International flavor – she knows she smelled it on the way down – but she didn’t expect this. Any other crowd would have some sympathy. Stephanie says that last night, we were surprised, we have to admit. Steph says some stuff about Ronda that I tune out because Steph is horrible and I need a Dew.

This brings out Ronda to cheers. Steph says that last night, the better woman won. Steph says she got beat by the best in the world and certainly does not feel bad about it, and now Ronda knows that there is nowhere they can’t go. With her talent, and Steph’s spotlight, they can go anywhere. Together. Steph can put the entire WWE machine behind her. With Steph in her corner, we will all support her and her message.

BULLSHIT chant.

The thing is, Ronda is smarter than all of us. We don’t understand it. During this entire time, Ronda is laughing her ass off. Steph says she was taught a valuable lesson last night, and she paid the price.

SHUT THE FUCK UP! chant.

Steph has one more thing….She wants us to give it up for her friend, Ronda Rousey.

Stephanie offers a hug to Ronda, but of course Ronda ain’t down, and goes after the arm one more time.

Steph gets a bunch of refs coming down to help. They resplint her arm as the crowd sings the goodbye song to Stephanie.

Jojo gets on the mic and says, “May we please have a little respect for Stephanie McMahon.”

…wtf? lol.

We return to the show after a break with the new Women’s Champion Nia Jax.

A YOU DESERVE IT chant. How nice.

Alexa and Mickie are out. They say that it looks like there’s no bigger bully here than Ronda Rousey, unless you’re talking about Nia Jax. It’s time for some truth. Nia is the bully. She loves to throw her weight around. Clearly, this is a lot of weight. Three times the size of her, in fact. She’s just stating the facts. Last night, Nia took advantage and beat up Mickie for no reason. Alexa was distraught, and this is why she lost last night. She is a compassionate woman. Nia is not. This is why she does’nt have a partner tonight.

Nia tells Alexa to shut up. She’s right. Nia enjoyed every second of what she did to them last night. She then announces herself as the new champion. Nia says Alexa is wrong, though, because she does have a partner.

And her name is…..

EMBER MOON!

Match 1: Nia Jax and Ember Moon vs Mickie James and Alexa Bliss
We come back with the match already in. Nia gets some moves in until the crowd yearns for Ember. Nia asks if we want it, and it’s very obvious that we do. Tag to Ember, and she is in. Mickie hits the ropes and runs right into a spinning fist. Ember with a neckbreaker into a suplex and a kip up. Ember with a whip. Mickie kicks her in the shojulder and tags in Alexa. Ember with some kicks into an Enziguri. Ember flips into Alexa then hits a springboard crossbody. Cover from Ember for 1..2..NO! Ember with a whip. Alexa runs out of the corner. Ember with a leg sweep. She heads to the top rope.

Ember flies with The Eclipse! Pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winner: Ember Moon and Nia Jax
Welcome to RAW!
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: 1/2*

Backstage, Angle is on the phone talking about Ember and the shakeup. He turns to the entering Braun. Angle congratulates Braun and calls his partner a “Surprise.” Angle then wonders where he’s at, and here’s Nicholas, still looking as awkward as ever. Braun then tells Angle that they are relinquishing the tag titles. Nicholas has a scheduling conflict – he’s still in the fourth grade, but as soon as he’s done with school, they’re coming back for the titles and…

Nicholas: “Somebody’s going to…GET….THESE….HANDS!”

Well then….

We get a video package for No Way Jose.

Cole brings us back to the RAW after Mania where we never know what’s going to happen even though there was a preview just before the commercial break saying that No Way Jose was coming.

So No Way Jose brings out the Rosebuds to do a conga line with him. Already in the ring is a jobber. This will obviously mean big things.

Match 2: No Way Jose vs Job Holly

Jose winds up in the corner and sends Job up, then hits an knock out punch and a pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winner: No Way Jose
Go ahead and call me wrong in a few days, but debuts like this very RARELY ever work. Why should people care about him?
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Backstage, Sheamus and Cesaro bring up the relinquishing of the titles to Angle. They want their titles back either now or a more formal way if necessary. Angle says they lost to a ten year old. It’s not happening. They’ll have their rematch in Saudi Arabia. He is giving 4 teams an opportunity. He calls this the Tag Team Eliminator. It’s coming up next.

Match 3: The Club vs The Revival
Match already in progress when we come back. Gallows is dropping Revival members left and right. He’s distracted, though, and Gallows gets clipped at the legs. Dawson tags in Wilder who works the leg of Gallows. Wilder kicks the leg but Gallows kicks him into the corner. Quick tag to Dawson, who stops the tag from Gallows. He grabs the leg, then gets kicked in the head. Again from Gallows. Tag to Wilder who hits the ropes, gets kicked in the face. ANother tag. Also one to Anderson. Uppercuts to Dawson. He sends Wilder off the apron. High kick to the face from Anderson. zhe gets on the 2nd rope. Dive with a neckbreaker. Anderson launches himself over the top rope onto Wilder, then goes back to the top rope! Crossbody, but Dawson rolls this into a pin! 1..2…NO!!! Anderson with a spinebuster! Pin for 1..2..NO! Wilder in to stop the pin. Gallows kicks him to the outside. He follows, and gets sent into the barricade knee first. We get a blind tag from Wilder in the ring. Anderson didn’t see.

Anerson kicks Wilder, then goes for a kick to the face of Dash only to turn into a Shatter Machine! Pin for 1..2..3!!!

Winners: The Revival
Look at Anderson go!
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: *1/2

Our NEW Intercontinental Champion, Seth Rollins, is here!

BURN IT DOWN chant.

He says that Grand Slam Rollins has a nice ring to it. This ellicits a nice little Grand Slam Rollins chant.

Finn Balor is here to ruin the celebration. He says that he’s been thinking about something all day. Seth invites him in.

TOO SWEET chant.

Finn congratulates Seth, and says that he deserves it. Seth thanks him. Finn says that Seth was the bette man last night. But last night was a Triple Threat. There was a winner, a loser, and then there was this guy – Finn – left wanting more. He came out to tell Seth that he wants to be the first person to challenge for the Intercontinental Championship.

Fans are down.

Finn extends his hand out. Seth shakes it.

The Miz finds this unacceptable, and he comes out with his buddies.

The Miz is more than happy to interrupt the celebration. He wants to be the first to say that Seth does NOT deserve It!

ASSHOLE chant for The Miz.

The Miz says he made that title the most prestiguous and relevant title in all of the WWE. He walked down the ramp by himself because he knew that if the Miztourage came with him, he’d never hear the end of it when he beat them.

Seth wonders if this means he can’t win without The Miztourage.

Miz says he had to deviate from his winning strategy because he wanted no excuses. They must understand, The Miz is a changed man. He became a father. Miz chokes up a bit. hahaha.

Seth and Finn congratulate him.

His daughter watched his match. His wife said that when Seth stole the title from Miz, and Monroe saw the pain in his eyes, it made Monroe cry. That made Maryse cry. When Miz heard this happened, he cried.

Seth steps up to The Miz, and wants to admit that he’s proud of Miz for crying, because that’s what everyone does when they watch Miz try and wrestle. Seth says that as good as Miz is, Miz can’t lace Seth’s boots.

Miz says Finn is owed nothing. Finn goes to the back of the line. Miz is owed a rematch. Seth was hoping Miz would come out and mention that. Why not right here, right now?

The crowd wants it.

The Miz says instead that the three of them can take on the two of them.

Seth and Finn ready for a match, but Miz and Co are not ready.

JEFF HARDY of all people is here to interrupt. Jeff joins Finn and Seth to take on The Miztourage.

Well…ok.

Cole says, “What a moment,” which effectively eliminates the “moment.”

Miz, Axel, and Bo think better of it and walk back up the ramp rather than fight.

Angle makes the match offical for later tonight.

Absolution is here to support Mandy in her match tonight.

Sasha makes her entrance and is ready to go, but the music of Bayley hits, and out she comes, all smiles. She does her entrance then enters the ring…just to exit it. Ok then…

Match 4: Mandy Rose vs Sasha Banks
Sasha sends Mandy to the outside immediately, then hits a baseball slide. On the outside, Sasha sends Mandy back in, ducks a clothesline, hits a Thesz Press and attacks. Bayley gets her awesome song chanted from the crowd. Sasha with a boot to the face the na suplex. Pin for 1..NO! Sasha works the arm behind Mandy. Mandy is up, hits an elbow, then sends Sasha down head first. Mandy shoves Sasha down. She lifts Sasha and sends her into the corner. Sasha reverses and bangs Mandy’s head into the corner a few times. Sasha talks shit to Bayley then gets sent into the 2nd turnbuckle. Mandy locks Sasha up for the wheelbarrow drop, but sends her into the top rope instead.

We are back, and Sasha tosses Mandy across the ring. Crossbody off the ropes. Sasha with a dropkick. Sasha hits the corner, gets lifted over the top rope, hits a knee, then hops on the top. Sasha with the knees! Cover for 1..2….NO!! Mandy rolls outside of the ring. Sasha follows, tries for knees, but Mandy’s dumb ass bends forward and nearly dies. Mandy with a right hand. Mandy shoves Bayley for some reason. Bayley goes for a clothesline, but of course Mandy ducks and Bayley clotheslines Sasha instead!

Sasha is pissed. She enters the ring and gets a huge knee from Mandy to the face. Pin for 1..2….3!!

Winner: Mandy Rose
Do they even know what the hell they are doing?
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: *1/2

Bayley is very disappointed in herself, and ashamed. Bayley heads up the ramp, sadly. Sasha is mad. She leaves the ring and follows Bayley to the back.

Paige is on the mic in the middle of the ring. She says that some of us may not know, but some of us do. It was hard for her to sit aside at Mania. She loves the ring. It is her soul and blood. Paige officially retires from in ring competition. She thanks every single woman, and wants to tell them that they built this divison to be huge. She also wants to thank Daniel Bryan and Edge, who both spoke to her. Edge showed her that there is life outside of this. He has a wife and career outside. Paige says now she will have to go find something else. She wants to thank the WWE for letting her do this. She debuted four years ago winning the title, and this is where she wants to retire. She thanks every single one of us. THANK YOU PAIGE chant.

THIS IS YOUR HOUSE chant.

Paige’s tears really start to flow now. She thanks the crowd. She says that yes this will always be her house.

Paige drops the mic and her shirt.

Well, damn.

Recap of Taker coming back to Mania just to beat dat Cena ass.

Elias in the middle of the ring. He introduces himself to the crowd then starts his tune. Elias says that after last night, it’s a fact that WWE stands for….WALK WITH ELIAS. Last night, he was interrupted by

WAAAA-AAAAALK WITH ELIAS! chant. It’s great. Cole needs to shut up. Coach informs us that this is like a soccer chant. No, Coach, it’s a wrestling chant. Jesus. Let it happen.

Elias is well aware that this crowd is essentially the same unappreciative crowd from last night.

WE ARE SCUMBAGS! chant.

Elias starts a song. The crowd claps along. Eli incorporates it into his song beautifully.

BOBBY LASHLEY is here!!!!!

Holy shit…..

Cole: “It is the RAW after Mania! We are expecting surprises!”

Shut up, Cole….

Lashley gets in the ring and stares down Elias.

WELCOME BACK chant for Lashley.

Elias goes for a right hand, and Lashley hits a spinning neckbreaker. He kicks. Stalled Suplex. ONE HANDED! Lashley walks in a circle! He drops Elias!

Lashley…is….back!

Angle is on the phone in the back yet again, talking about his new debuts tonight. He invites someone into a place that I’m pretty sure has NO doors.

It’s Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn. He knows ANgle is busy, but they want a moment of ANgle’s time. Owens doesn’t know if Angle follows SD or not. They’ve had a bit of a falling out with management. hahaha

Angle is shocked. They want a job? Angle says this is rough. They came looking for a job, but didn’t they get fired for attacking the GM and Commish? Sami says it’s different over there. It was personal. They’ve realized a lot. They need to be team players, and they’re ready. Angle says that his tag team division is full, but he hears that TNA is hiring!

Wow……

Owens says they are not a tag team, and Angle doesn’t have to hire both of them.

Zayn is offended. Owens says he has a family. Zayn says he does too.

Angle says he has one spot. They can wrestle each other for it tonight.

They accept.

Slater and Rhyno are upset. They should be part of this tag team thing. Heath says he’s got kids. He’s got a whole slew of them. he needs this job. So, if there is any tag team in the back man enough to come out and take on he and Rhyno, please come on down.

Match 5: Heath Slater and Rhyno vs AOP
Heath tries to attack first with Rezar but gets his ass handed to him instead. Tag to Akam. Rezar knocks Rhyno off the apron.

Tag to Rezar who comes in and hits The Last Chapter. Pin for 1..2…3!!

Winner: AOP
This squash match makes sense
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

The boys are about to walk up the ramp but stop Paul Ellering at the bottom. They walk up the ramp by themselves as Paul watches from the bottom of the ramp.

After a commercial, we get the entrance of sad Roman Reigns. Corey informs us that he had between 20-30 stitches. 10 staples to the scalp, according to Cole.

Crowd is still not a fan of Reigns.

Reigns stands in the middle of the ring for a bit, quiet. He finally speaks. Says he got his ass kicked last night, and the crowd loves it.

The thing is, he’s here tonight. He can tell you this much; Brock isn’t.

He said everything felt off last night. He says last night, Vince couldn’t even look him in the eye and smarten him up. He knows this; Brock is one hell of a business man. On Wednesday, word got out he was going to the UFC, then today he signed a new contract with the WWE, and apparently he has another match with him in a cage that he had no clue bout till he found out on the internet. He doesn’t know the story, but he does know this – if they keep putting him in matches with Brock Lesnar, the story will be that he will end up with the title.

Reigns drops the mic hard.

Someone disagrees with Reigns.

It’s SAMOA JOE!!!

Crowd loves it.

Joe is back! He stands at the top of the stage and looks directly at Reigns. Joe wants to break out the tinfoil hats, because Roman thinks there is a conspiracy. Joe wants to bring up reality. Last night, Brock didn’t just beat Reigns, he exposed him. For over a year, Reigns has been coming out saying he was the only one who could beat Brock. The reality is that no matter what, Reigns failed, and that makes him a failure. It also makes him a liar. He’s still lying. He can’t face the facts. Every time it’s Reigns and Lesnar, Reigns gets jacked up. Stretcher, broken tables, and Brock gets richer. No matter how many times we tell this story, when The Big Dog meets The Beast, The Beast conquers, and Reigns comes out to make excuses. But good news, the vicious cycle will end! Because after Brock rag dolls Reigns across the cage and Reigns fails once again, Joe will be waiting at Backlash to put Reigns to sleep.

Matt Hardy is here to cut a promo with his trophy. Bray Wyatt is by his side, laughing maniacally. They then stop and stare at each other lovingly.

Match 6: Titus Worldwide vs Matt Hardy and Bray Wyatt
Titus and Matt to start. They have a taunt-off. Worldwide vs DELETE. Lockup to start. Matt escapes. Tag to Bray. He enters and clotheslines Titus down. Tag to Apollo. Apollo sends Wyatt into the corner, but no it’s reversed. Apollo flips out of a move just in case. Matt and Bray stop Apollo and applaud Apollo because that was…..WONDERFULLLLL!!!! Wyatt with a surprise kick to APollo! He grabs the head and hits a hard right hand. Bray hits the ropes. Senton onto Apollo. Wyatt is smiling. He mounts Apollo and hits a bunch of right hands. Matt stops Bray and asks for a tag. Matt is in, mounts, and hits a bunch of right hands to the chnts of DELETE! Apollo is up. He hits a right. Matt holds the ropes. APollo misses a dropkick. Matt sends his head into the corner for the DELETE headbutts. Tag to Wyatt. Wyatt in and tries some of his own. Bray with an uppercut. Bray tags Matt back in. Matt whips Bray into the corner and he hits a splash. Wyatt tosses Apollo into a Side Effect! Pin for 1..2..NO!! Titus stops it. Wyatt sends Titus outside! Matt calls for DELETION! Kick. Twist of Fat—-NO!!! Apollo escapes with a dropkick! Tag to Wyatt. APollo with a surprise Enziguri. Apollo up in the corner. He dives into a Uranage! Wyatt calls for the spdier crawl, and Matt helps with the encouragement. Tag to Matt.

Wyatt grabs for Sister Abigail, kisses, and tosses Apollo back into a Twist of Fate. Pin for 1..2…3!!

Winners: Matt Hardy and Bray Wyatt
While I didn’t like the trip, the destination is surprisingly fun.
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Match 3424242345: Kevin Owens vs Sami Zayn
Sami goes for a Helluva Kick right after the bell rings. Owens can’t believe it. He kicks, Sami holds the ropes. Owens dives, Sami pulls down the ropes. OWens stops with some rights, covering up a botch, and tumbles to the outside. He comes back in and kicks Sami hard in the back. Sami tosses Kevin back outside and goes for a dive over the top rope! Sami on the apron while Owens is in the ring. He goes for a springboard, but Owens hits a right hand to the face. Owens heads to the outsdie and grabs Sami, then goes for a powerbomb on the apron. Sami drops Owens and sends him into the ring post. Owens rolls back into the ring. Sami follows. Kick from Sami. He locks the fingers, hits the ropes, looks to springboard, but Owens hits the ropes and crotches Sami!!! Owens hops up off the top rope with an elbow! Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Another 1….2..NO!!! A third for 1..2….

We return from a break and Owens has Sami in his hands. he sends him to the ropes, goes for a pop-up, but Sami turns it into a Blue Thunder Bomb. Cole is dead quiet for some reason, and I’m ok with it. Cover from Sami for 1..2…NO!!! Sami waits for Owens to stand up. Sami rushes, goes for a Helluva Kick, but Owens rolls to the outside! Sami follows, and he goes for the DDT through the ropes, but OWens with a superkick!!! Owens in the ring. He hits a cannonball ONTO SAMI’S HEAD!!!! Damn!!! Owens on the top rope! Frog Splash! Pin for 1..2….NO!!! Owens with a clothesline in the corner! Again! Sami follows through with a HELLUVA KICK on that third attempt!!!! Damn!! Owens falls through the ropes and lands on the apron! Sami pulls OWens into the ring. Owens struggles to stand up, but so does Sami! He pulls Kevin up! He locks up from behind. Owens holds the ropes. Elbow to Sami! Sami runs. POP UP POWERBOMB!!!! But Owens rolls to the outside!!! Owens up on the apron now! He heads to the top rope. Owens yells that he needs this. Another KICK FROM SAMI in the face!!! Owens is seated on the corner. Sami locks the head. He hooks the arm, Owens hooks the leg! SUPLEX OFF THE TOP ROPE FROM OWENS!!! Ref starts the count. He gets to 6 as they show signs of a struggle. Ref gets to 8.

Crowd is counting along with him. The ref hits 10! The match is over!

Winner: Double Countout

Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: ***

Shitty ending. The ref tells JoJo something, and she announces that since neither of them won, neither are signed to RAW.

Backstage, Jeff is walking with Finn and Seth.

Matt is nearby. He greets Jeff, and says it’s nice to see Jeff. Jeff says he tried to call Matt, and left a message, but it probably got DELETED!! He then congrats Matt on the Battle Royal win. Matt mentions Bray, and here he comes to give Brother NEro a hug.

Jeff is so glad Matt rendered Sister Abigail obsolete! Jeff asks how they’re feeling. Bray says wonderful. Jeff turns to Finn and Seth after Matt and Bray leave. Finn asks what that was about, and Jeff shrugs..

Match 8: The Miz and The Miztourage vs Finn Balor, Seth Rollins, and Jeff Hardy
The Miz and Seth to start? Of course not. He backs up and tags in Axel. Axel enters the ring, all smiles. AXELMANIA chant. Side headlock, and Axel hits a tackle. Side headlock to Seth. Ropes, Seth ducks, leap frog, am drag into a bar. Axel stands out of it and hits a right. Tag to Bo. Bo is in, gets kicked by Seth. Seth sends Axel down. Seth kicks Bo down a gain, hits the rope, and a leg drop. Tag to Finn. Finn tags in Jeff. Jeff with Poetry in MOtion to Axel using Seth. Then another Poetry in Motion to Bo as we go to commercial.

Back from a break, and Seth hits Bo with an elbow. Balor is tagged in and clotheslines Bo down, then attacks Axel. Stomp to Bo’s chest! Bo up in the corner. Chop to Finn. He hits the 1912! Cover for 1…2….NO!!! Bo with a clothesline to Finn. Tag to Miz. Miz stomps, he hits the ropes, and hits a knee to the face o Finn. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Cravat from behind. Miz with a cravat from behind. Finn reaches for a tag. He hits ome right hands. Miz locks the arm, hits a double neckbreaker. Miz talks some shit to the face corner. Tag to Axel. Acel in with snapmare to Finn. Axel steps on the face of Finn. Cravat from behind. Axel with a kick to prevent a pin. Dropkick from Axel. Tag to Bo. Body slam from Axel. Bo drops a knee. Another. Another. A final one and a cover for 1..2…NO! Bo with a cravat from behind. Finn stands out of it, but Bo drops him back down. Finn is able to turn into it and hit a jawbreaker. Finn goes for a tag but Bo whips him. Finn with a surprise back suplex. He reaches for a tag. Tag to Miz. Miz rushes in the ring and sends Rollins off the apron. Miz grabs the legs, prevents a tag, but Balor hits a dropkick to the chest. Tag to Jeff! Jeff with right hands! He rushes the ropes. Right hand. Inverted Atomic Drop. Leg drop to the crotch! Jeff with a splash to Axel, and a pin for 1..2…NO! Jeff with a kick. Twist of Fate attempt, but Axel sends Jeff into the corner. He atacks from behind. Tag to Bo. Double team to Hardy. Hardy fights out of the corner. To Bo. To Axel. Whisper in the Wind!

Seth is back up in the corner. Tag to Miz. Miz reaches for Jeff. Jeff gets a tag to Rollins. He flies off the top rope. He rushes the corner. Blockbuster! Miz misses a clothelsine. SUICIDE DIVE TO AXEL!!! Seth back in the ring. He clotheslines Miz over the top rope. Seth hits the ropes. Another Suicide Dive to the entire opposite team! Finn sends Miz back into the ring. BURN IT DOWN chant. Seth rushes the corner. Miz moves. He rolls onto the apron. Miz on the top rope. Balor hops up. SUPERPLEX!!!! FALCON ARROW!! Pin for 1..2..NO!! Bo in to save it. Balor in with a Slingblade. Axel in. Finn sends him over the top rope. Balor hits the top rope. Balor flies over the top with a flip onto Bo and Axel! Miz grabs Seth in the ring from behind and rolls ihm up.

Seth escapes, goes for one of his own. Curb Stomp! Pin for 1…2…..3!!!

Winners: Seth Rollins, Finn Balor, and Jeff Hardy

Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: **3/4

Bo goes to attack, but Jeff hits a Twist of Fate. Balor is up top and he hits the Coup De Grace! Jeff on the top rope! Swanton Bomb!

Seth with a Curb Stomp to Bo! Axel is in now! Coup De Grace! Swanton from Jeff! Curb Stomp from Rollins!

END SHOW