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411’s WWE RAW Report 5.22.17

May 22, 2017 | Posted by Tony Acero
Bray Wyatt vs. Roman Reigns Image Credit: WWE

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I will be doing the coverage in my regular bad ASSero style; final ratings and extra thoughts will lack any consistency and validity. Have a good time chatting, and thanks for joining 411 for your live coverage needs. – Tony

RAW starts LIVE with Bray Wyatt! We get a recap of last week when Bray went all Wyatt on the main event. Wyatt tells us to stand up because soon the slaves of the beast will be liberated. He wants us to stand up and rejoice for our one true savior. The beast commeth, it is all around us, he lives in each of us. He is the leash that society wraps around our neck. The reason our children can’t sleep at night. The beast is coming. But Wyatt? He’s in control, and soon, he will rip open the chest of the beast and feast on his black heart. The beast will die the most brilliant of deaths at the hands of bray Wyatt. At Extreme Rules, four men will suffer, and he will begin his crusade to slay the beast. He, alone, can protect us. Do we truly think Seth Rollins can protect us? He wants to tell us a secret. Rollins secret ends in malice. How does he know? Because he sacrificed Rollins. What about Samoa Joe? He did the same to Joe. In his world, there are no friends – only followers, just ask Finn Balor. Each of us try to live through Finn, but at the end of this, even The Demon himself will see the truth; that only Bray can slay the beast.

Bray then brings up “a fifth.” A man that claims this whole place to be his yard. He has a question for Roman. What does one little silly yard mean to a man that owns the world.

This is enough to bring Roman Reigns out. He tells bray that if he is going to run his mouth in his yard, he suggests he does it to Roman’s face.

Bray laughs it off and sees nothing has changed. Bray is the truth, and he is the only one here that can beat Brock Lesnar. Reigns says at Extreme Rules, he’s going to beat 4 guys, including Bray, then he’s going to move on and beat brock – and that’s the truth.

Reigns then says the only thing on his mind is how he is going to get Bray’s ass out of his yard.

KURT ANGLE is here to help these guys talk about the Truth, damnit. Angle says that the Fatal Five Way could be the most important match of the new era. Right now, he’s looking at two favorites, but what he wants to know is who will carry the momentum going in. He doesn’t want to find out next week or later tonight, he wants to find out now.


Match 1: Roman Reigns vs Bray Wyatt

Surprise bowel movement made me miss the first 40 seconds. I come back to Wyatt hanging upside down in the corner. He runs out and locks up for Sister Abigail, but Roman escapes and hits a big boot. Reigns leaves to the outside and smacks Wyatt hard into the barricade. He sends Wyatt into the ring and follows. Wyatti s there to stomp him. Uranage by Wyatt. Wyatt grabs the head of Roman, hits a right. Wyatt whips Reigns into the corner hard. Wyatt hits the corner, bounces off, and Reigns hits a huge clothesline. Wyatt is up in the corner. Reigns with clotheslines in the corner. Reigns hits the ropes, and Wyatt just drops his ass with a Wyatt crossbody.

Both men are down, but Samoa Joe is here to break up the fun. He enters the ring and stares down Wyatt, then Reigns. He then tells wyatt to stand up and help him out with Reigns. Joe grabs Reigns. He gets The Clutch in, and that’s enough for a DQ

Winner: Roman Reigns via DQ

Match Quality: *1/2
Personal Enjoyment: *1/2
Total Rating:*1/2

Reigns backs in the corner, smashing Joe. Wyatt attacks Reigns until Joe locks in The Clutch on Wyatt! It doesn’t last long as Seth Rollins heads down the ramp into the ring. He attacks Joe, hits the ropes, dropkick, sending Joe to the outside. Reigns is up. SUPERMAN Punch to Wyatt! Reigns and Rollins are left in the ring.

If I were a Teddy Long type of fella, I’d assume a tag match would be comin up.

Some random ass music plays. Who does this song belong to?

Backstage, Seth tells ROman that he wasn’t out there to help ROman, he was out there for Joe. Angle comes up and says tonight there will be a tag team match with them two going against Wyatt and Joe. In comes The Drifter. Angle stops him, says this guy has got his attention. Angle offers him a match, tonight, against Dean Ambrose. The Drifter….drifts away.

Backstage, Kendrick says he is the teacher and Tozawa is the student.


Match 2: Akira Tozawa vs Ariya Daivari

Kicks to start, with a whip and Tozawa with a kick and a chop. Another chop. Right hands to Ariya. Whip to the ropes and a sunset flip, but Akira rolls out and hits a kick then a senton. cover for 1…2…NO! Akira chants, rushes the corner, misses a splash, and Daivari hits a huge clothesline. Cover for 1..2..NO! Stomps by Daivari, while commentary asks Brian a question and he answers…during the match. Da hell? Anywhoo, Tozawa hits a saito suplex and rushes the corner.

Tozawa flies off with a senton. Cover for 1..2….NO!!!

Winner: Akira Tozawa
Don’t you dare take me away from my wrestlers to cut a promo.
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Backstage, Sasha is walking, and it’s glorious.

Charley comes up and wonders why Sasha has lost to Alicia. Sasha says after tonight, she’ll be able to get rid of that nutcase. In come Noam and Alicia to act all crazy, saying Sasha is all alone. Noam says she is not The Boss, she is….Sasha checks him, and Noam says he’s not telling her. Sasha walks away.

Elias Samson is introduced, and he’s in the middle of the ring to sing about Grand Rapids. The crowd is uninterested big time. He says that we can say goodbye to The Lunatic on his last night.

Thankfully, Ambrose’s music cuts him off.

The Miz is on commentary, so a surprise Samson win may not be out of the question.


Match 3: Elias Samson vs Dean Ambrose

Lockup to start, and Eli gets a side headlock, working it in while Miz berates Cole. Dean with an elbow. Another. Whip to the ropes and Eli hops over, gets arm dragged, again, into an arm bar by Ambrose. Samson rubs Cole up against the ropes and pulls the arm hard. Ambrose with a chop. Another. Hard tackle sends Ambrose down. Samson sends Dean into the corner and beats down on him hard, using the four count. Samson grabs the face of Dean and slams it against the apron. Samson with a huge knee to the side of the face!

We are back after a break, Samson has Ambrose in a submission, but Ambrose is able to stan out of it and hit some right hands. Knees to Ambrose, whip, and Samson hits a huge clothesline. Samson with a cover. Pin for 1..2….NO! Samson works an arm bar from behind, focusing on the wrist. Ambrose eventaully stands up and turns into the hold with an elbow, another. Ambrose with another elbow. Samson runs into a boot. Ambrose ducks a right and hits a neckbreaker. Ambrose with a right, then a kick, another right and kick, runs, ducks, clothesline, another. Whip to the ropes is reversed, but Ambrose hits another clothesline. Ambrose in the corner. He is going up top. Samson is standing. Ambrose flies off. SAMSON WITH A KNEE TO THE CHIN!! Damn….Pin for 1..2….NO! Ambrose reverses with a crucifix. 1..2…NO!!!! Whip to the ropes, Ambrose rebounds, clothesline to Eli.

The Miz has left commentary. He enters the ring. Axe handle to the back of Samson. Dean Ambrose gets the DQ.

Winner: Elias Samson
Not only was this predictable, it was cheesy.
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Ambrose leaves the ring and chases The Miz around the ring into the ring. He grabs the jacket of The Miz, looks for Dirty Deeds, but Samson is up and grabs Dean for a Swinging Neckbreaker!

The Miz applauds The Drifter from the top of the ramp.

Backstage, Cass is looking worried and walking quickly with a ref backstage, asking what happened!? We run up to Enzo knocked out cold, face to the pavement, with a Jordan next to his face. Oh no!!!

After a commercial break, we are with Enzo. He’s awake. “I got jumped, breh.” He says he woke up to the paramedics asking him questions. They help him stand up and walk him to the training room. Cass stays behind with Angle. He turns towards ol cue ball, and tells Angle that he better hope he finds out who did this before Cass does.

Quite the pickle, Angle.

Balor heads out to the ring. He says that Balor Club has their hand fulls. Balor brings up the Fatal Five Way and facing Brock Lesnar for the belt. Balor says tonight, Anderson stands in the path of Balor, but he is focused.

A wonderfully delightfully annoying voice pierces through the speakers. IT’S PAUL HEYMAN!!! He walks out and introduces himself. One could argue that he’s out here to scout potential victims for his client – surely, Mr. Balor, you heard Bray paint a portrait without the beast. He hates to vandalize Bray Wyatt’s masterpiece, but if he were to win at Extreme Rules and head into the ring with Brock, Brock will paint Wyatt as a victim. Then there’s Seth Rollins. He says Rollins is another victim. He’s also in the sights of Samoa Joe. But against Brock Lesnar? VICTIM! Then we have the one that laid the Deadman down. Roman Reigns; the odds on favorite. If Roman wins the Fatal Five Way, and faces Brock, he will no longer be the end all, be all….he will just be Brock Lesnar’s Victim. Which leads him to Finn.

Heyman heads into the ring after being invited, saying he is just an advocate. He respectfully submits that Finn is nobody’s victim. He knows that the other contenders have painted Finn as the underdog, but Heyman knows he is no underdog, either. THEY may not see him coming, but Heyman sees him coming. Heyman believes in his heart that Finn is the most talented in-ring performer in the WWE today, and even more importantly, he believes that Finn believes that he is going to take the other contenders to the Extreme, and also believes that he doesn’t look at Brock like he’s BUHROCK LESNAR!! No, Finn believes that Brock is the same as the other contenders, and that if he steps in the ring with Brock, he will be Finn Balor’s victim. This is why Heyman has come out here tonight to say that he looks forward and hopes for Finn vs Brock. On behalf of Brock, good luck.

Heyman extend his hand, and Finn shakes it.

Finn is glad Heyman is here. He wishes Brock was here – but he’s not, surprise surprise. Heyman being his advocate, maybe he can give Brock a message from Finn. Finn says to tell Brock he will win, and he will go on to face Brock for the title he never lost. And tell him that Finn said that Finn Balor will beat Brock Lesnar.

Before Heyman can reply, Anderson and Gallows head out.


Match 4: Finn Balor vs Karl Anderson

Mid-match here, and Finn is elbowing the back of Anderson. He trips him down then stomps Anderson a few times, using the ropes for leverage. Finn grabs the head and backs in the corner. Kicks and a few uppercuts. Spin kick and Gallows distracts on the apron. Clothesline after an elbow to Finn. Anderson with a cheap shot, mounts, and beats the dude down. Cover for 1..2..NO! Anderson with a cravat. Balor eventually elbows out of it, but Anderson with a backbreaker. Pin for 1..2..NO! Into a cravat again. Balor escapes, hits the ropes, and eats a knee! Balor falls, but is able to hit an overhead kick on the way down. Anderson rushes the corner and runs into a droplkick. Balor with a forearm. another. Drop kick. Finn hits the corner with a chop. Again. Whip to the corner, Balor hops over, Anderson kicks, but balor kicks harder! Gallows on the apron. Balor knocks him off, then hits a runnin kick. Balor with a kick off the apron to Anderson’s face. Balor up top. Anderson up. Balor flies off, lands on his feet, SPINEBUSTER from Balor! Pin for 1..2….NO!!! Anderson lifts Balor, goes for a powerbomb, but Balor flips out, lands on his feet, and stomps Anderson. Anderson rolls to the outside. Balor hits the ropes. He front flips over the top rope to the outside!!! He sends Balor back in the ring. Slingblade. Balor with a dropkick into the corner.

Balor up top. He flies. COUP DE GRAS. Pin for 1..2…..3!!!!

Winner: Finn Balor

Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating:


Match 5: Sasha Banks vs Alicia Fox

Lockup and Sasha gets the upperhand, then gloats. Drop toe hold and Sasha goes for The Bank Statement right away. Alicia is near the ropes though, so we get the break. Alicia slips to the outside. Sliding dropkick to Alicia. Sasha heads out, sends Alicia in. Sasha is distracted by Noam, and Alicia hits a big boot to Sasha! Alicia gets her back in the ring and hits a knee to the back. Cravat from behind. Sasha sends Alicia to the corner, then Sasha gets sent into the corner. Alicia misses the scissors kick and Alicia gets her in the corner laid out horizontally.

Sasha with the double knee drop into the gut. Cover for 1..2…3!!!

Winner: Sasha Banks

Match Quality: ***** for dat azz
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: ****

Noam Dar is in the ring, berating Sasha. He gets a little too close to comfort, and Sasha slaps the shit out the boy. In comes Alicia Fox to kick the midsection then the scissors kick, and I am still not interested in this.

Backstage, Kanelisto wants to know what’s wrong with Apollo. He’s fighting Titus’ battles, and for what? Just last week, he attacked Enzo. Kanelisto then considers the attacker of Enzo tonight. Apollo says Kanelisto knows damned well it wasn’t him. Titus has connections, and he wants to use said connections. In comes Titus who says Kanelisto is trying to be under the umbrella of Titus Brand. Titus then says he done messed up, and tonight, Apollo is going to teach a lesson on RESPECK.

Goldust cuts a promo, saying R Truth’s light is flickering. He is holding on to the last glimmer of hope, just waiting. He is once again in the director’s chair.

Backstage, Charley is saying this is a side of Goldust we haven’t seen in a long time. She then introduces Alexa Bliss. At Extreme Rules, she defends her title.

We see photos of the kendo stick shot from last week, and it’s pretty brutal in the best way possible. Alexa doesn’t feel bad. She says the sound of the bamboo against Bayley’s flesh makes her salivate. She says if Bayley thought pain was last week, just wait. She will make sure Bayley’s entire body will be tattooed in welts. She is sure Bayley is somewhere plotting of a future where she has the title, but she’s not capable of being extreme. It’s not in her DNA. As for Mickie, she’s going to take her little dreams and turn them into nightmares.


Match 6: Apollo Crews vs Kanelisto

Kalisto from behind. Apollo whips Kalisto around. Kalisto with kicks to the side. Kalisto then handwalks over Apollo.Hurricanrana sends Apollo to the outside. Kalisto hits the ropes, but Apollo is already back in the ring and hits a dropkick for 1.2….NO! Apollo locks up for a suplex. Apollo stalls for a good 30 seconds. Hits it, and locks in a front faced head lock. Kalisto tries to fight out, uses his head against the jaw, hits the ropes and Apollo with another dropkick! Pin for 1..2..NO! Titus is screaming his ass off outside of the ring. Apollo drags Kalisto into the middle of the ring, looks for a spinning sit out powerbomb, but Kalist turns this into a pin.

Kalisto goes for Salido Del Sol. HITS IT! Pin for 1.2……3!!!!

Winner: Kalisto

Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: *1/2

Titus hops in the ring to berate Apollo.


Match 7: Winner to Choose Match Stipulation at Extreme Rules
Matt Hardy vs Sheamus

Lockup to start, and it breaks. Again, and Sheamus backs Matt against the ropes. Ref counts, and they lock up again. matt with the go behind into a side headlock. Matt stops a run and drops Sheamus down to his knees. Sheamus with a right. Matt with a headlock takedown. Matt is back up, and backs up against the ropes. Whip and a HARD shoulder tackle by Sheamus! Uppercut into a side headlock takeover. Matt is up but Sheamus still has the head. Matt hits some rights, sending Sheamus up against the ropes. Whip, Matt goes for a hiptoss, Shemaus escapes, Matt sends him to the outside. Sheamus rushes back in, Matt damn near gets the Twist of Fate, and Sheamus rushes back to the outside. Matt follows and Sheamus sends him into the apron then hits a right to the back. Matt sends Sheamus into the ring. Sheamus grabs Matt on the apron and goes for the beatdown. He gets to 4, then just hits the ropes and sends Matt off the apron. Sheamus with a clothesline back in the ring. Pin for 1..2…NO! Matt works the arm, hits some right hands to the face. Sheamus escapes with a right. Another to the corner. Whip and Sheams rushes into the post, Matt with a kick. He sends the head into the corner, with a DELETE chant each hit. He sends Sheamus into the middle turnbuckle then the bottom. haha. nice. Matt up top. Sheamus rushes and hits him with an elbow. Rolling Senton. Cover for 1..2.NO!

Back after a break, and Matt is escaping a barrage of rights. He gets kicked then Sheamus hits White Noise and covers for 1..2…NO! Sheamus sends matt in the corner head first. Jeff gets on the apron. Sheamus nearly knocks him off. Matt kicks Sheamuss from up top then hits a tornado DDT. Matt covers. 1…2…NO! Matt is standing. He hits a right. Another. Hits the ropes. Sheamus lifts him over his shoulders. Matt slips off and sends Sheamus in the corner. Clothesline and looks for Bulldog, but Sheamus escapes. SIDE EFFECT BY MATT! Pin for 1..2…NO!!! Matt Hardy goes for Twist of Fate, Sheamus escapes. Matt goes for another Side Effect, but Sheamus escpaes and hits a sick ass knee!!! Cover for 1..2…NO! Matt grabs the bottom rope! Sheamus in the corner. He wants Brogue! Matt ducks under it and escapes!!! Jeff on the apron. Cesaro looks to attack Matt, but Jeff flies off and splashes on Cesaro! Sheamus is distracted. Kick from Matt. TWIST OF FATE!!! Pin for 1…2..3!!!!

Kick from Matt. TWIST OF FATE!!! Pin for 1…2..3!!!!

Winner: Matt Hardy
Slow start, but I like that they tried something differnt.
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: ***

Cesaro is pissed. He enters the ring to console his partner. At a bar somewhere in Costa Mesa, my girlfriend is crying silent tears due to the loss.

Matt is on the mic at the top of the ramp and announces that they will face Sheamus and Cesaro in a Steel Cage Match!


Match 8: Tony Nese vs Austin Aries

Neville is ringside. Aries is distracted for a minute, and Nese takes advantage. He hits a knee to the gut then whips in the corner. Reversed by Aries, who hits a knee to the gut as welll. Aries to the top rope. He flies with an elbow to the back of the head of Nese. Pin for 1…NO! Aries drops an elbow to the top of Nese’ head. Drop toe hold. Aries locks the legs up, flips forward, and head scissors the head while still holding the legs. Nese escapes, Aries rolls him up. Aries looks for Last Chancery, but nese rolls to the otusdie. Aries flies over the top rope to the outside atop Nese! He sends nese back in the ring, watches Neville, enters the ring, and Nese clips the bad leg!! He mounts and attacks, then stomps the chest. Nese with another stomp. Nese grabs the leg and kicks the back of the knee. Stomp to the gut. Nese grabs the head. He sets up for a suplex, and Aries flips over, landing on his knee. Chop to the chest. Another to the chest. Nese gets one of his own. Aries in the corner. Nese runs into a boot. Aries is up top. He flies, but Nese with an axe handle midair. Nese grabs the head of Aries. He goes for a stalled suplex, but Aries knees him in the head! Aries turns this into a Guillotine!!!! Legs locked. Hands are, too! Nese falls to a knee.

Nese uses his strength to shoot Aries foward, but Aries doesn’t let go of the head and instead turns it into The Last Chancery! NESE TAPS!!!

Winner: Austin Aries
Short, but damned good.
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: ***

In the ring, Neville attacks Nese!! He locks in the Rings of Saturn, and Nese screams in agony as Neville stares directly at Aries.

Backstage, Alexa is walking, and it’s wonderful.


Match 9: Alexa Bliss vs Mickie James

Lockup to start, and Mickie gets the go behind. Alexa reverses, then Mickie reverses that. Alexa back behind, and Mickie flips it. They do this for a while until it’s annoying. Alexa grabs the ropes to prevent it from going any further. Lockup in the middle of the ring. Mickie with the beatdown, hits a kick to the gut then the face then a clothesline, another. Blocks a move from Alexa and hits a neckbreaker. Cover for 1..2..NO! Mickie sits on the back of Alexa and hits some hard looking crossfaces to Alexa! Snapmare by Mickie. Running kick to Alexa. Alexa shoves her away, then oushes her to the corner. Alexa runs into an elbow. Mickie locks the head with her legs but Alexa fights out.

Mickie kicks her away until Alexa just hits a right fucking hit straight to the chin! LIKE DAMN!!! DDT to Mickie! Pin for 1..2…..3!!!

Winner: Alexa Bliss
Damn
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: *1/2

Alexa leaves the ring after her win and grabs a kendo stick from under the ring. She heads back in and smacks Mickie HARD across the back!!! In comes Bayley, who rushes the ring, trips up Alexa, and grabs the Kendo Stick. She threatens to hit Alexa, but Alexa leaves, seemingly worried.

So, Seth Rollins music plays mistakenly after Bray comes out before being cut off by Samoa Joe’s music. haha.


Match 10: Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins vs Samoa Joe and Bray Wyatt

Seth wants to start. He and Wyatt go straight up with the right hands. Seth sends Joe off the apron. He sends Wyatt to the outside then follows. Seth sends Wyatt into the barricade hard then attacks Joe!!! he hits rights and lefts! Seth sends Wyatt back in the ring then hops on, only for Wyatt to send him flying off the apron onto the barricade.

Back, and Seth tags in Roman who knocks Wyatt on his ass. Huge kick to Wyatt, followed by a Samoan Drop. Roman wants the Superman Punch, but Wyatt does the spider crawl and this stuns Roman. Joe with a distraction, and Wyatt crushes Roman in the corner. Wyatt sends Roman to the outside. Joe grabs Roman and sends him into the barricade. Tag to Joe, and he’s in to snapmare Reigns. Joe cinches the head. Rights to Joe, but Joe sends Reigns to the corner then leaps up and kicks REigns in the face. Cover. 1…2…NO! tag to Bray. Wyatt with a right hand. He attacks the shoulder. Splash in the corner. Wyatt is sent to the outsdie. Roman outside. Driveby to Joe. Reigns in the ring. Sends Wyatt out. He wants a tag, but Joe sends Wyatt back in the ring. Joe gets a tag. Tag to Seth! Springboard right hand. Kick out of the corner. Seth with a Blockbuster. He launches himself atop Bray on the outside. Back in the ring, and he hits a Slingblade. Seth with a splash in the corner .He hits the ropes. Bray is there to lock up the foot. Joe tries to take advantage, but Seth sends him outside. Suicide Dive from Seth! Seth gets back on the top rope with Joe in the ring. Bray distracts. Joe trips Seth up. He shouts at Bray, who is back on the apron. They get in, and we’re getting a possible double suplex. Seth tries to fight with elbows. He sends Wyatt down. Joe, too. Seth on the top. Crossbody to both men! Wyatt sets up for Siser Abigail, but Reigns is there to send him to the outside. Uppercut to Joe. Kick from Seth to Joe! Reigns wants Superman Punch from Joe! He launches, but Joe moves! Roman tries to pull off, but collides with Seth!

Bray pulls Reigns to the outside. Joe locks in The Clutch! Seth tries to escape, lookin like he’s drowning! Seth is fading! He’s out!

Winners: Bray Wyatt and Samoa Joe

Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: ***

Wyatt and Joe celebrate in the middle of the ring.

Backstage, Angle is watching. Finn tells Angle that this was a hell of a main event, but try not to leave him out next week. Angle says, next week, it will be Finn Balor vs Samoa Joe vs Bray Wyatt. We will also get Seth Rollins vs Roman Reigns.

End Show

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