411’s WWE RAW Report 5.6.19

It’s May 6, and the amount of Tequila I drank last night – mixed with the amount of whiskey the night previous – doubled down by the audacity to take drugs – should not be legally allowed, yet here I am! I do this for the people. I do this…for you.

I’m two weeks away from EDC and can’t withstand the excitement!

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We start the show with Mr. McMahon, because why not. He says RAW will be one for the ages, one no one will ever forget, because we are starting with hi—

Nope. Roman is here to cut the man off, while Cole orgasms.

It is apparent that Vince has won on his War against the word “war,” because Michael Cole just called RAW “Monday Night Yard.”

Vince says he’s got the Cincinatti police standing by in case Reigns tries to Superman Punch him. He then says that Reigns is property of SD, and what is he doing on Raw?

Reigns tells Vince to watch his tone. He is on Smackdown, but he’s been on RAW for a long tim, and he always says he’ll leave it better than he found it. While he was out, he saw Vince and his kids tell the whole world that they are no longer the authority, that we are now. That was a lie.

Steph and Shane are still trying to run it, but it’s over now. He doesn’t listen to Vince or take his orders, he takes our orders. Reigns says that as long as we want it, he will show up every Monday. Vince tells him not to think about it. It would open the floodgates, it’d be anarchy. He’d have no control.

Daniel Bryan is here to save the planet. Vince says that this is a bad dream, Bryan belongs to Smackdown.

Bryan says that ever since Mania, where he was robbed, he has spent the last month in solitude.

Large KOFI chant.

He has been searching for answers that only he and Vince can understand, so when he heard Roman was showing up on RAW, he thought that Vince and Bryan could have an intellectual conversation.

This is cut off by the WWE Champion, Kofi Kingston and Cole screams as if he hasn’t been on RAW in twenty years.

Vince rolls his eyes incredibly hard as Kofi makes his entrance, making him look like a racist old coon. Love it.

Kofi brings up the shake-up, but he has an issue with Bryan. If DB had a problem, forget the McMahons, he could have came to Kofi, because HE is the champion.

Bryan says he will. Kofi is an underserving champion and should have never gotten a title shot His win was a fluke. His 11 year journey was so hard because a novelty act like himself should have never gotten there.

Kofi: “And yet, here I am!” He tells Bryan ain’t a damn thing Bryan can do about it.

Vince has had an epiphany. What if we had a wild card rule here. What if he allowed 3 members of Smackdown to come to RAW and vice versa. We could have ourselves a wild card rule. He’s a genius!

Kofi questions his intelligence. He knows that he saw Reigns on Twitter, and being that E and Woods are on the mend, and Kofi wasn’t doing anything on Monday, he thought why not show up here too. Why should Roman have all the fun?

Brayn says there is nothing about RAW that is fun.

Amen.

Bryan isn’t here for fun, he’s here to get a rematch.

He threatens to punch kofi in the face.

Drew McIntyre is here to join in on the fun.

Drew says that if no one in the back has a set to control this bullshit, he guesses it’s up to him.

He says this is not Smackdown Presents Raw. He tells Kofi and Bryan that they are lucky that he cares more about Reigns than either of them. Roman thinks he can do whatever he wants, that the rules don’t apply. He got drafted to SD so he could duck Drew, he thinks it’s ok to punch his boss in the face. Reigns is an egomaniac and he is here tonight, and he’s going to Claymore Reigns’ ass back down to earth right now.

Reigns says it didn’t work at Mania, maybe he can try tonight.

Vince stops him, says he has another idea: A Wrestlemania rematch. But wait, there’s more! Another Mania rematch – for the WWE Championship. He’s brilliant.

Vince leaves the ring but…

AJ STYLES is here!

And…..so is a commercial.

We’re back, and everyone just decided to walk away?

Vince wants to know what’s up. Aj wonders what he is doing. AJ finally gets to RAW and the next thing he knows, he’s got Smackdown Live’s Superstars on RAW. Vince says it’s Wild Card Rules, baby. AJ calls this convenient. He has spent years on SD Live making it the house that he built, and once he gets to RAW, he gets a shot at the title, and Vince brings over Reigns. Is that how this Wild Card thing is going to work? Because if so, maybe AJ goes over to Smackdown Live tomorrow night and brins a couple of his friends.

Vince explains the rule that three members can be invited to either show….

What?

Seth Rollins is here to burn things.

Seth is, seemingly, angry. He gets in the face of AJ then says that he gave AJ the benefit of the doubt and got sucker punched. Seth brings up Smackdown, the show that’s been around for over twenty years. The show was fine before AJ got there and it’s been fine since he left.

This isn’t Smackdown, this is Seth’s show…wait, didn’t he just debunk that theory with Aj’s claim?

AJ knows where he is and what he did. He tried to be a good sport, tried to shake his hand, and Seth threw the title in his face. Then he tried to walk away, and Seth kept talking. Apparently AJ’s manhood was shook. Seth wants to fight. Vince says they should fight tonight. AJ and Seth get ready to fight. Vince says no, no, no, they will team together to fight against a team of Vince’s choosing. It’s Seth and AJ against another team…next.

Match 1: Seth Rollins and AJ Styles vs A Dumpster Fire of Muscle
Seth and Corbin to start. Lockup. Side headlock from Corbin. Shoulder tackle from Corbin. Dropkick from Seth. Aj gets a tag. Tag to Lashley. Lockup. Lashley sends Aj into the corner. AJ with a go behind into a side headlock. Rope work and Lashley hits a shoulder tackle. AJ gets a dropkick after Lashley runs the ropes. Whip but AJ won’t let go of the head. Tag from Seth. Kick from AJ. Kick from Srth. Lashley gets sent to the outside. Corbin in and he dgets sent out. Seth with a dive over the top rope to Lashley. AJ does the same to Corbin. They then get in the ring and get in each other’s face.

We are back, and Lashley hits Shelton’s finisher on Seth and only gets a 2. Loser. Lashley grabs Seth and tosses him to the outside. Corbin cheap shots him. Lashley gets the tag. Corbin drops down to Seth. Corbin sends Seth into the barricade. Corbin sends Seth into the ring. He kicks Seth in the chest. Seth with a jawbreaker to break a hold. Corbin slides under the ropes, back in, hits a clothesline, and covers for 1..2..NO! Corbin with a stomp in the corner. Another. Corbin sits Seth onto the top rope and hits a right hand. She with a surprise headbutt. He blocks a ight. He dives. Blockbuster to Corbin. Tag to AJ. Tag to Lashley. Lashley in to miss a right hand. AJ gets some flurry, hits aback elbow. Forearm to the face. Kip up and Lashley is in the corner. Splash in the corner followed by a Styles Clash attempt, but Lashley forces AJ to the corner. He rushes into a kick. AJ wants the P-Elbow, but Corbin distracts, and Lashley shoots AJ off the ropes with a huge spear! Lashley grabs AJ. He sends AJ into the barricade. Lashley sends AJ into the ring. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Lashley with AJ on his shoulder. Aj floats off. Dropkick to Lashley. This sends Corbin off the apron. I believe that was a tag. Pele kick to Lashley. Enziguri to Crobin. Lashley grabs Seth and sends him into the barricade. Corbin attacks AJ from behind then kicks him out of the ring.

Back from a commercial, and Lashley is covering AJ, but Aj has the shoulder up, only for Lashley to press it down and get a 2. Tag to Corbin. AJ hits a shoulder to Corbin. He goes to springboard, but Corbin hits a right to the face. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Nice shot there. Corbin mocks Seth. He turns to AJ and grabs his head. Aj blocks and hits a right, kick, back hand, Corbin oes for a back suplex. AJ lands on his feet. Tag from Seth. Top rope and he lfies. He knocks Lashley out, ducks under a clothesline, and suicide dives Lashley. Bak in the ring. Slingblade to Corbin. Seth hits the ropes. Suicide dive to Corbin and Lashley on the outside. Seth on the top rope. Elbow drop to Corbin in the ring. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Lashley stops it. He grabs Seth, looking for a powerbomb. AJ in the ring to stop it and send Lashley to the outside. Slide to the outside, kicking Lashley. Corbin in for a rollup. 1…2.NO!!! Enziguri from Seth. Superkick to Corbin. Kick to Corbin. AJ hits a right to Corbin. Corbin runs into Seth. AJ flies with the Phenomenal Forearm. Corbin moves. AJ hits Seth

! AJ looks down to Seth, then leaves the ring. Seth stands, Corbin hits the End of Days. Cover for 1…2…..3!!!

Winners: Bobby Lashley and Baron Corbin
…
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **1/4

Sami Zayn is here. Let’s see you defend the first hour, El Generico.

Sami is here to ask a loaded question: “What do you got to complain about now?”

Apparently there is a difference between enjoyment. After we are done enjoying something, we are still us. We are still stuck with the person we see in the mirror – we must live with it all the time.

Renee Young: “Someone’s gotta shut this guy up.”

Out of nowhere, Young says this. Wtf?

Sami says we are all cowards.

He can already hear the critics weighing in.

Braun is the man to interrupt. He takes a whiel to get to the bottom of the ramp. Sami removes his hat. Braun enters the ring. Sami leaves the ring, then leaves over the barricade. Braun runs to the opposite side and enters the crowd. He circles around to stop Sami. Sami hops over the barriade and up the ramp to the back. Braun is closing in on him. They continue the trek to the back as we head to Cole claiming there are “rumors that somebody was going to stop Sami Zayn.”

Rumors, Cole?

IN other news that doesn’t matter, Lucha House Party is on their way to the ring.

Backstage, Braun is tossing random things as he gets closer and clser to Sami. Sami ets cornered into a place with a drawn down door. Sami grabs some chains to move it up. Braun looks at sAmi. Sami says this has nothing to do with him. The door starts to rise, slowly, and Sami tries to escape through the bottom. Braun grabs him and places him on the shoulders, then tosses him into a dumpster. Braun walks away before hearing the beeping of a trash truck.
The truck is here to take the trash out….

This is happening….

Back in the ring, Lucha House Party beat three jobbers. I’m sorry for not covering it properly, but at this point, does it really matter?

Apparently the next match puts Ricochet’s spot in MitB on the line. The argument is that because Roode beat Ricochet before, he should get a shot. Ah, such sound reasoning.

Backstage, Lacey Evans has invited Natalya and Naomi via cute letters, and she is requiring formal attire. Nattie calls this tacky, but I, for one, find it to be classy and thoughtful. Dana comes in and also has a letter. Nattie says that they are ready for whatever nonsense Lacey may have. Naomi then smells her invitation and is mad that it smells of Peach Cobbler.

Match 2: Ricochet vs Robert Roode
Roode forces Ricochet into the corner and stomps him down over andover. Roode with another barrage of stomps. Roode with a chop. Whip to the corner. Ricochet hops over Roode, then rolls over his back. Heada scissors takedown. Dropkick. Roode sends Ricochet over the top rope. Ricochet lands on his feet, goes for a springboard, but Roode shoves him off the apron and Ricochet falls down to the mat outside. Roode sends Ricochet in the ring then grabs him and sends him chest first into the apron. Roode covers Ricochet with the ring skirt and beats down on his face. Roode rolls into the ring. Cover for 1…NO! Cravat from behind, almost immediately. Roode with a hard clothesline to Ricochet. Cover for 1…2…NO!!! Roode bangs on the chest as Cole waxes poetic on Richochet’s need for money. Dropkick ut of the corner from Ricochet, then launches himself, gets caught, Roode goes for a catapult, Ricochet lands on the 2nd buckle. MOONSAULT! Nice!!! Foreramr to Roode. Another. He’s got Roode on the shoulders. Roode lands on his feet. Right toh eback. Elbow from Ricochet. Elbow. Ricochet hitsthe ropes. Spinebuster from Roode. Both men on the top rope.

Ricochet hits a slap to the face. Ricochet with the 630! Cover for 1…2…3!!!

Winner: Ricochet
K…
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Backstage, Rey and his son are walking. Heath shows up to say hello. Rey is about to head into his locker room. He tells his son bye, and we follow Dom backstage. We then see Joe show up in frame, and he is stalking Dom down the backstage area as we go to commercial.

Even the view from the back of watching Joe walk is menacing…

We come back to RAW and Joe is talking to Dominic. He is glad that Dom is here. Of course, he’s been here many times before. Joe says that last week, Dom went out there to embarrass and humiliate Joe. Joe says that this is what Dom is going to do; he’s going to send a message to his father. Joe looks forward to defending the title at Money in the Bank.

Dominic walks away.

That, as powerful as it is whenever joe talks, was utterly pointless.

Lacey Evans makes her entrance. Shortly after, Naomi is here, but she is not in formal gear.

Natalya and Dana follow, and it looks like Alexa got an invite, too.

Match 3: Lacey Evans vs Allie McJobberson
Lacey shoves homegirl into the corner and sends her into it over and over again. Kick to the face. Big Right to the face, and a cover for 1..2..3!!!

Winner: Lacey Evans

Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

She thanks the girls for coming to such a classy event, but she would have liked an RSVP. The reason she has them out here is simple; they all deserved a front-row seat to watch what a legit lady is capable of, just like at the Money in the Bank PPV when Becky loses everything she has ever worked for, courtesy of a Woman’s Right. She is aware that one of them may win the MitB ladder match, and she hopes that the four ofthem are smarter than they look, because if any of them have th balls to cash in after she wins the belt, they will quickly regret losing whatever opportunity they had to become a champ, because they will come up short just like Becky Lynch….

Out comes Becky. She rushes the ring and attacks! Lacey is able to escape and rush up the ramp.

Backstage, Daniel Bryan is considering a thoughtful thought. He looks towards us and brings up Kofi’s shilling of consumerism. He has no choice but to eliminate Kofi as a role model for the future of humanity. Kofi isn’t a role model or a champion, he is masquerading as both, and Daniel is here to be what he was born to be; The Planet’s Champion.

Match 4: The Minnesota Viking Raiders of Oakland vs Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder

Unfortunately, I miss about a minute and a half and come to the match with Hawkins flying off the apron with ak nee only to get knocked the F out. Ryder, in the ring, goes for the Ruff Ryder, but misses and eats some knees.

Tag to Ibar, who grabs Ryder and sends him into the arms of Eric, who shoots him back and we get The Viking Experience as a finisher. Pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winners: The Minnesota Viking Raiders of Oakland
K…
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

It’s time for….another episode of The Firefly Funhouse!

Bray enters the door with a silly wave and welcomes us to the Funhouse. He says that today will be a really fun day. He looks over to Mercy the Buzzard, who is going to town on some cotton. He says it’s nothin, and Bray calls him Hermano. Mercy tells him to back off, saying it’s nothing. The witch wants to know, now, too. Mercy calls her an old hag. Bray wants to know what all the fuss is about, but mercy nearly bites his hand off. Bray digs into the box, and it’s the rabbit from last week! Mercy ate that foo all up. Mercy despises him!

Mercy killed the rambling.

Bray says it’s ok to express yourself anyway you want, because you can be forgiven, just like Bray was. In fact, Bray thinks Mercy should be rewarded. It’s Picnic Time, and now there are kids, non-smiling, seated on the floor, staring forward. Bray calls them his fireflies, and says to let him in so he can always light the way.

The kids faces look about the same as ours.

The Usos were creeping around backstage doin something sneaky just a bit ago. Now you know.

Backstage, Seth says it doesn’t matter if the forearm was an accident or on purpose. AJ made his point clear when he walked away after hitting Seth in the mouth for the second straight week. The next time AJ walks away, it will be with two black eyes and a broken face.

Match 5: Roman Reigns vs Drew McIntyre
Drew with a kick. He clubs the back then sends Reigns into the corner. Chop to the chest. Drew with a right hand to the head. Drew whips Reigns into the ropes, ducks down, and gets kicked for it. Drew sends him into th corner, but Reigns fires out with a clothesline. Reigns mounts in the corner and gets six punches before Drew shoves him away. Reigns with a clothesline ni the corner. Again. Drew stops another, then hits an overhead toss to Reigns. Drew hops on top of Reigns and hits some right hands. Another right to the head. Drew with a right. Cover for 1..2…NO!! Drew with a front headlock, he deadlifts Reigns into a suplex like NOTHING! Nice! Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Drew pulls back on the arm of Reigns, stretching it, but Reigns turns into the hol. Drew sends him back down and locks Reigns under him, continuing the hold to the left arm. Reigns escapes, goes for a Samoan Drop, but Drew gets out and hits an elbow. Reigns with a clothesline. Another. Whip too Drew. Reversed. Superman attempt, but Drew dodges and hits another overhead. Reigns to the outside. Drew sends Reigns into the ringpost. Drew lifts up Reigns and sends him into the ring. Drew follows. He stomps Reigns. Another stomp.

Reigns is able to stand up and clothesline Drew to the outside. Reigns leaves the ring and runs around the bend, looking for a drive by, but Drew is ready and hits a big boot to Reigns! Drew grabs the legs of Roman and sets him up for a Slam! Alabama Slam into the apron!!!

Back and Reigns side steps a Claytmore. They go back and forth with right hands. Reigns with a surprise DDT after a Glasgow Kiss! Drew rolls to the outside, holding his head. Reigns leaves the ring, too, probably for a Drive By again. Drew was ready, again! Kick to Reigns. He is sent into the steps! Drew sends Reigns into the ring. Drew with a hard slam and a pin for 1…2….NO!!!! Drew gets to the top rope. He is looking to fly. Reigns is up. Drew flies. SUPERMAN PUNCH TO DREW! Pin for 1…2…NO!!!! Reigns goes for a spear, Drew blocks. Right hand. Right from Drew. Headbutt. Hit the ropes. SPEAR FROM REIGNS!! Cover for

It’s Shane McMahon and Elias!!! They stop the pin!

Winner: Roman Reigns via DQ
Solid match, all things considered…
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: ***

Shane and Elias attack Reigns. Elias beats down on Reigns while Shane holds him. Kick to Reigns in the chest.

The Miz is here!! His music hits and out comes The Miz with a chair! He rushes around the ring as Shane leaves the ring and goes through the crowd.

In the ring, Elias is looking to finish off Reigns. He tosses Reigns right into a Claymore Kick!

Backstage, Shane is still running. He hides behind a corner, waiting for Miz. Miz runs by him, missing Shane. Shane is cool until Charley comes up to ask him what he’ll do come MitB.Shane tries to leave, but Charley follows and wants to know if Shane is ok with making this personal. Shane reaches a limo, doesn’t enter right away, and here comes Miz with a chair. He smacks Shane across the back. Miz misses a shot and Shane gets the upperhand. He goes for the low blow then hops in the limo and leaves.

So, The Usos have replaced The Revival’s IcyHot with UceyHot and has come out to the stage, while The Revival and The Good Brothers are in the ring, readying themselves for a match.

The Usos say that this sweat-activated cream should start working right….now.

The Revival began to express excessive burning in their nether regions. Dawson drags his ass across the ring, and Dash hops up and down, rubbing his crotch. They come up the ramp, and The Usos offer them water, which apparently makes it worse, because instead of drinking, they pour it on their junk. Dawson lets out a loud cry, hands on his face, then spins on the floor while Dash screams to no one.

Backstage, Kofi readies himself for the match. It’s promo time. Bryan doesn’t think he’s a champ, but the funny thing is that over the past 11 years, people have said the same. Many thought that him having the title was impossible. The impossible is possible. Tonight, not only will he retain, but he will also send Bryan back to where he came from, and he will know exactly why Kofi is the champion.

Back to the ring, and they are seriously NOT EVEN TRYING!

No Way Jose is here.

Lars is, too. Now being the 5th? Guy to show up from Smackdown?

Befor Lars gets in the ring, he attacks the conga line. Jose comes down to stop Lars, but lars just sends him over the barricade, then clothesline’s a fake Dude Love. Chokeslam onto the barricade for Hot Dog Safari guy. He then grabs a fake Eugene and tosses him sideways into the barricade before attacking Fat Finlay and tossing him into the ring. Jose comes in,gives a few rights to the face of Lars. It’s a no go, though, and Fat Finlay gets sent over the top rope. He grabs Jose and locks the head, then powerbombs Jose in the middle of the ring.

Backstage, Vince is tlking to himself on the phone. He explains the rules of the Wildcard, saying that anyone that doesn’t follow the rules will be suspended, possibly fired. Lars enters the “office” and Vince tells the guy on the phone that he’ll allow four, not three.

Match 6: WWE World Championship Title Match
Kofi Kingston vs Daniel Bryan

Lockup and Bryan gets Kofi in the corner with some kicks. He rushes the corner with a dropkick. Another. He goes for a third, but Kofi hits a clothesline. He hits another, sending Bryan to the outside. Kofi hits the ropes and dives over the top onto Bryan on the outside.

Back from a break, and Kofi shoves Bryan into the ropes. Kofi hops over twice then hits a back elbow to the face. Cover for 1…NO! Kofi with a snapmare. Kick to Bryan. Kofi hops off the ropes and splashes onto Bryan. Cover for 1..2.NO! Kofi works the arm, sends Bryan into the corner, and chops him across the chest. Kofi with an uppercut. Whip to Bryan, reversed, and Bryan launches kofi, only for Kofi to land on his feet. He hops onto Bryan in the corner, but Bryan just sends him over the corner to the outside. Bryan leaves the ring and sends Kofi into the ringpost, shoulder first. Bryan sends Kofi into the ringpost one more time, shoulder first again. He sends kofi into the ring and rolls in afterwards. Bryan with a running kick to the arm. Bryan grabs the hand of Kofi and locks the fingers. He turns the arm but Kifi hits a right hand to the face. Another. Kick to Bryan, some more rights to Bryan. Kofi backs up and runs into a kick. Bryan hits the gut, whips to the corner, and Kofi slides through the ropes with a kick. Bryan with a double underhook and a bomb into the arm bar! Bryan turns this into the LaBell Lock but can’t quite get it. Kofi kicks him in the face and breaks the hold. Byan hits the ropes. Double crossbody in the middle of the ring.

We come back and Bryan flips Kofi over the top rope! Kofi lands on his head on the apron! OH SHIT!!! Ref checks on Kofi. He’s ok. Bryan grabs Kofi and sends him into the barricade. He whips Kofi to the steps. Kofi stops it with his foot. Hops on the apron. Then the corner. He turns and flies with a crossbody off the top rope. Crossbody in the middle of the ring. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Kofi with a headbutt. Bryan grabs the arm. He locks in the LaBell Lock! Kofi in the middle of the ring. Kofi tries to roll out of it, he gets to the ropes. Bryan breaks the hold. Brayn with a kick to Kofi’s arm. Again. Another. Another. Another. Kofi up in the corner. He walks across the ring. Another kick. Kofi with a right. He goes in with a bunch of hands. Kofi flies to the corner, misses, Byan is behind him, flips him, Kofi lands on his feet. Clotheslne from Kofi. Boom Drop. Kofi calls for Trouble, but Bryan dropkicks Kofi in them idle of it! GermaN! Pin for 1…2..NO!!! Bryan is in the corner. He waits. He explodes out with a knee, but Kofi side steps and goes for Trouble in Paradise, but Bryan side steps. They wrestle, Kofi holds onto Bryan.
Bryan goes for the legs. Kofi is up. TROUBLE IN PARADISE! Pin for 1…2…3!!

Winner: Kofi Kingston
Two and a half hours of shit to get to a pretty solid main event.
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ****
Total Rating: ***3/4

End Show