411’s WWE Raw Report 7.29.09

Oh, hai, Marks!

Last week was a pretty shitty show, even with all the visitors of the past. Will this week mark the times that are a’changin? Or are we settling in for more of the same? Let’s find out together, as per usual.

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Voiceover to start the show pimping the 24/7 title as an important title worthy to be a part of the WWE canon. It is done tongue-in-cheek, but it’s not my tongue, and certainly not my cheeks.

So we are starting RAW with a match. Apparently it’s called a mosh-pit tag team match. Drake’s wife gets a match! Jobbers surround the ring. Truth and Carmella get their whole entrance, complete with a white chick rapping. So, there’s that.

Match 1: 24/7 Title Match
Drake Maverick and Renee Michelle vs R-Truth and Carmella
The ladies get in each others’ faces until Renee shoves Carmella away. The guys hold their “crazy” ladies back then tries for a rollup of Truth immediately to start the match. 1…2..NO!!! Drake hits the ropes. Arm drag from Truth. Truth hits a leg drop. Coer for 1..2…NO! Corey says once the bell rings, all people around the ring are eligible to try for the title. Drake whips Truth to the roeps. Truth dabs. It’s super effective. Drake runs. Truth flips him over the top rope to the outside, and some people catch Drake. They then pop him back on the apron. Truth slings him into the ring with the top rope then hits a flapjack. Cover, but Renee comes in to stop the pin. Carmella comes in to wrestle Renee and they roll over. Drake holds his wife back. He turns. Carmella slaps Drake. Kick from Truth. Lie Detector. I think that’s the Lie Detector. Is that the Lie Detector? Shit, I dunno. But Truth pins and gets a 1…2..3!!!

Winner: R-Truth
Nope
Match Quality: 0
Personal Enjoyment: 0
Total Rating: 0

Truth stands happy then realizes he’s surrounded. Everyone enters the ring and hops on top of Truth. The ref makes a count 1…2…3…

And Mike Kinellis rolls out of the Mound of Massive Man Meat with the title. The jobbers follow him backstage.

We get a cam in the back, and Mike is looking for a place to hide with his title. In come the jobbers who apparently have no clue how to open a door. The door has a albel that says “WWE OFFICIALS.” Maria comes into the crowd and feins pregnancy pains. The men leave, cuz ewwwww pregnant women.She slaps the door for Mike to open. Mike is unsure of the identity of the person knocking on the door. He says, how does he know it’s not Carmella knocking on the door, to which Maria replies, “Because if you don’t let me in right now, I’m going to kick you in your vagina.”

………….

…………

Mike opens the door.

Now, we get a five superstar gauntlet match to see who is facing AJ Styles at Summerslam.

Match 2: US Title Number One Contender Match
Rey Mysterio vs Cesaro vs
Cesaro with a gutwrench into a rolled pin, another pin, and a third, all get 1. Side headlock to Rey. Rey shoves him to the ropes. Cesaro hops over, Rey with the go behind. Cesaro switches. Looks for an elbow, shots between the legs, Rey hops up, switches, rols up Cesaro for . He sends esaro to the corner. Rey headlock s with the legs, rolls up into another pin for 1..2.NO!!! Clothesline from Cesaro! Elbow drop from Cesaro. Cover for 1…NO! Stomp from Cesaro. He sends Rey to the corner. Uppercut. Another. Cravat from behind. Cesaro sends Rey down, locks the arm with his leg. Country Music star AJ styles in the back watches in flannel. Cesaro shoves Rey to the ropes. Rey holds on. Kick to the face. Hops up on the shoulders, Cesaro goes to the ropes, they flip over the ropes, but Cesaro LANDS ON HIS FEET!!! Rey hops off and swings Cesaro into the apron. Rey hits the ropes in the ring. He slides and lands on top of Cesaro, but looks to have possibly injured his knee. Rey sends Cesaro back into the ring. Springboard from Rey, and he gets a head scissors! Cesaro in position. Rey hits the ropes. Cesaro leaves the ring. He grabs Rey’s feet, but Rey hops over. Rey with a slide, locks the head of Cesaro. Baseball slide!!!

Oh, look at that…a commercial!

We return and Rey is able to get back into the ring at the count of eight. What we missed, due to a commercial, HOW DARE THEY! Was a powerbomb into the ring post. We return to live with Cesaro dropping an elbow and pinning Rey down for 1..2..NO!!! Cesaro sits on the back of Rey and works the neck for a submission. Rey elbows out. Cesaro sends him chest first into the corner. He sits Rey up top. Cesaro gutwrenches. Rey fights back. He elbows Cesaro down to the mat. Rey to the top rope. He dives, senton onto the chest, sides under the ring, goes for a head scissors, and Cesaro hits the corner face first. Roll through. Kick to the face. Pin to Cesaro. 1…2…NO!!! Rey calls for the 619. Whip to Cesaro. Reversed, Rey springboards INTO AN UPPERCUT!!!! Pin for 1…2..NO!!! Cesaro locks the head, Rey drops, Cesaro with a leg drop. He waits. Hits the ropes. BIG BOOT to REY!! Cover for 1..2…NO!!!! Cesaro grabs Rey by the gut, lifts him into a possible Razor’s Edge, but Rey hops up and head scissors Cesaro into the post!! Rey to the top rope. He eats an uppercut from Cesaro!!1 Cesaro lifts him into a fireman’s. Cesaro to the top rope with Rey on his shoulders. Rey elbows out. Rey swings, but Cesaro catches him!!! He lifts Rey back. Rey headbutts cesaro. Rey goes for a wheelbarrow, locks the head. BULLDOG FROM THE TOP ROPE!!! Cesaro drags himself to the ropes. He looks to stand. 619!!!!! Rey to the top rope!! FROG SPLASH! Pin for 1…2…3!!!!

Rey Mysterio vs Sami Zayn

Zayn rushes down the ramp. He attacks Rey’s head over and over with rights and stomps. The ref finally holds Sami back. Sami stands. Goes for Helluva Kick. Rey side steps. Surprise roll up. 1…2….3!!!

Rey Mysterio vs Andrade

We come back after a break to Andrade doing his best Mortal Kombat Character select bounce. They lockup. Andrade with a hard back elbow to Rey. He works the arm, twists it. Ar lockup from behind. Rey tries to grab the head, looks to fly up, but Andrade bounces him off the ropes and keeps him in position. Rey with an elbow. Rey side headlocks . Andrade turns into it. Chop to Rey in the corner! Another chop, but Rey slides under and hits one of his own!!! Whip to Andrade, Rey hops over in the corner, Tilt a whirl, but Rey pushes and gets a pin for 1..2…NO!!! Rey grabs the head. Side headlock. Andrade gets a pin out of it for 1…NO! Whip to Rey. Clothesline to Rey. Stomp from Andrade. Another to the back of the head. Running kick to the face! Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Andrade sends Rey to the outside the hard way. Andrade leaves the ring. He runs around the ring to attack Rey in the back of the neck. Andrade grabs Rey and sends him back into the ring. He lifts Rey. Chop to the chest. Rey retorts with a chop. Knee from Andrade. Kick from Rey. Rey with a springboard moonsault, Andrade catches, Rey drops to his feet, ANDRADE WITH A SUPLEX!! Another! A third, but not before he mocks Eddie Andrade points to the corner. He gets to the top rope. Moonsault, lands on his feet as Rey rolls, and hits a standing moonsault!!! Rey with a kick, ENziguri to the head, Andrade drops to the ropes. 619 but Andrade catches Rey!!! Backbreaker, he holds on. Underhook. FINISHER! Pin for 1..2…..3!!!!

Andrade gets in some extra stomps. Andrade grabs the mask of Rey. He rips it off!!! Rey covers his face.

Andrade vs Ricochet

He rushes down the ring, hops on the apron, and sends Andrade to the outside. He checks on Rey.

We come back after a break. Andrade has Ric in the corner. Ref breaks it. Lockup. Ric with the go behind. Andrade turns with an elbow, but Ric drops and pulls the leg. Rope work. Ric rolls over Andrade, rolls under, head scissors, dropkick! Andrade to the outside. Ric hits the ropes. Zelina there to pull Ric’s leg. Andrade enters the ring, tries for an attack, Ric escapes, sends Andrade to the corner. Ric flies over the top rope after sending Andrade’s face into the post. Kick to the corner post from Ricochet. Zelina is there to distract. Andrade shoves Ricochet off the apron! Chop on the outside. Andrade whips Ric into the barricade. Andrade enters the ring at 8, I think. Ref starts the count, but Ricochet enters the ring. Stomps to the corner from Andrade. Ricochet turns. Chop from Andrade. Ricochet wit a drop kick! He blocks a right. Another. Hits one of his own, ducks under another, hits the ropes, another right drops Andrade. Ricochet hits the ropes. Head scissors takedown. Run into the corner, head into the gut. Ric on the apron. Springboard, Ricochet rolls through, Andrade with an arm drag into the corner! Ric hits the corner head first. He’s seated in the corner, struggling. Andrade is up. He hits the corner, flies with double knees to the face. Cover for 1..2….NO!!! Andrade sets up for the finish, Ric escapes and gets a cradle. 1…2..NO!!! Kick from Andrade. He hits the ropes. Ric runs up Andrade, ELBOW! Inverted rana from Ricochet and a cover for 1..2….NO!!! Ricochet heads to the top rope. Andrade pulls the arm. Ricochet sits.

Andrade hits an uppercut. Rights from Ric. Elbow from Andrade. Rights to the face from Ricochet, and Andrade drops. Ricochet with the 630! Cover for 1…2…3!!!

Winner: Ricochet
It’s weird, because it’s not that I didn’t want Ricochet to win,I just didn’t gain anything as far as he goes with this specific match. Not nearly as much as I would have gained to see Cesaro or even Andrade be the winner.
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: *****
Total Rating: ****1/4

Kayla is in the ring to interview Ricochet. He says he likes that he got his title shot. He says when he beat Samoa Joe to become the champion, no one believed it. It was hard to believe himself. But if he’s learned anything, people can only believe what they see, so at Summerslam, when he beats AJ and holds the title over his head, then everyone will believe, and so will he.

Backstage, Maria and Tall Eric Young are talking. He feels proud, and says he won the title for them. She tells him to get down on his back like he usually does. Mike wonders what she is doing. She says she is pinning him so that her child has a champion as a parent. She tells him to get down. Mike drops to his knees as she tells him now. He lays down. Maria pins with her foot. The ref counts. 1…2…3!! Maria evil laughs and calls herself FIRST EVER PREGNANT CHAMPION.

She walks out of the room and holds her title up, then looks to Titus and wonders what he would do to become two time champ. She invites everyone to her OB/GYN appointment on Thursday.

Time for a Moment of Bliss…

Alexa wants to give mega props to Maria and how she is breaking down boundaries. Nikki also calls last week inspiring seeing all the legends and watching Stone Cold close out the show. Alexa agrees and says Stone Cold said it best when he said that they are all family. It’s true. Then…the very next night, Dolph betrayed his family by Superkicking HBK. She was appaled. Although, Dolph is not the only person around here lacking a moral compass. She warns us that what we are about to see is very disturbing.

So, we go to earlier today with Fit Finlay training some female wrestlers. Nattie is there to work the hold that Fit is teaching, but Becky runs into the ring. She low blows Fit and locks in the Dis-Armer on Nattie. Fit breaks the hold. Becky tells Nat she’ll see her in Toronto.

Alexa is disappointed at the crowd cheering for Becky. It’s ridiculous. What we just saw was a physical attack on Fit for no reason. Is that the kind of example the champ should be setting? Nikki says we saw it last week; Becky attacked Nattie on a Moment of Bliss. It’s like she wants to take Nattie out before Summerslam. Alexa says that tonight, when Alexa faces Becky, she will make sure sh knocks “The Man” down a few pegs.

Becky is on the screen, telling Alexa to be careful not to get injured by turning her head too quick.She tells her not to forget that it’s one-on-one tonight and say what she wants for free, cuz she’ll pay for it later. She then asks Nikki if she came all the way from Scotland to make coffee for Alexa? Where is her Celtic pride? Becky remembers everything Alexa has done, and she will see her later.

The Usos are here. Only one of them is drunk.

Match 3: WWE RAW Tag Team Titles
The Usos vs The Revival vs The Club
Scotty and the sober Uso start the match. Leg scissors from Uso is escaped and Dawson gets a side headlock to Jimmy. Jimmy hits the ropes, esapes, hits a shoulder tackle. Dawson is up and gets an elbow to the face. Ref checks on Jimmy. Scott lifts the head, sends Jimmy into the corner. Chop to Jimmy. Back suplex from Dawson. Tag to Wilder who springboards a headbutt. Cover for 1..2..NO!! Chop from Jimmy. Gain. Jey tags himself in. He rushes the corner with a clothesline. Snapmare into a headbutt to the chest. Cover for 1….2..NO! Chop to DashDash sends Jey inot the corner. Uppercut to Jey. Right hand. Another. Tag to Scott. Kick to Jey. Scott scratches his forearm across the face of Jey. Side headlock from Scott. Kick to Jey. Locks the head, goes for a piledriver, but Jey with a back body drop. Tag from Dash. Jey sends Dash inot the corner. Tag to Jimmy. Uppercut from Jimmy. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Tag to Jey. Top rope and a right hand to the arm of Dash. Jey works the arm from behind. Rope work. Dawson gets a sleeper hold!

Tag from Dash, who comes in with an axe handle to the back. He sends Jey into the corner and seats him on the corner. Headbutt from Jey. Crossbody. Pin for 1..2..NO!!!! Whip to Jey. He flies off the corner, ducks a clothesline, hits a right hand. He looks to send Dash to the utside, but Dash sends Jey to the outside and Luke is there to clothesline him to hell.

We come back, and Anderson is finally in the ring. He’s got a side headlock on Jey. He lets go just to give him a right to the head. Kick to the head of Jey. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! AJ is backstage watching, still. He’s got heart. Tag to Luke, and he comes in to hammer down some hard rights to the head of Jey. Elbow drop from Luke. He covers. 1…2..NO!!! Cravat from Luke. Jawbreaker from Jey. Tag from Anderson. He enters, grabs Jey, whips him into the corner. He drags Jey down for a cover. 1…2…NO! Right to the to of the head. Karl sends Jey into the turnbuckle face first. Left arm hold. Karl goes for a back suplex. Jey lands on his feet. Right to Andereson. He falls into a tag from Dash. Jimmy gets a tag. He can’t get a samoan Drop, but gets a enziguri! He sends Dawson down in the corner. Butt splash. Right to Dash. Kick to Gallows. Crossbody. Roll through from Dash. Jimmy sends Dash into Anderson on the apron. Samoan Drop. Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Jimmy calls for a Superkick, but Scott is on the apron. Jimmy goes fo ra back suplex, and Dawson gets a tag. Wilder gets Jimmy on the shoulders. Dawson flies off the top rope! Bulldog onto Jimmy! Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Anderson breaks it up. Dawson supelxes Anderson over the top rope. Gallows with a big boot to Dawson. Dash exits. Tornado DDT off the barricade!!! Uso flies!!! There’s one uso left, and he heads to the top rope. Dawson on the apron. He gives Jey a right hand. Another. He sends Jey into the post. Dawson locks up. He sets up for a suplex. Jey stops it, reverses. SUPERPLEX ONTO THE OTHERS!!! Everybody knocked the fuck out. Jimmy sends Dawson into the ring. He stands up on the apron. He heads to the top rope. Jimmy flies with the frog splash, but has to roll through. Gallows gets a tag. Jimmy sends him off the apron. SHATTER MACHINE to Jimmy! Crossbody from Jey!!!

Anderson with a Spinebuster to Jey! Magic Killer to Jimmy! Cover for 1..2….3!!!

Winners and NEW Tag Team Champions: The OC

Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **1/2
Total Rating: **1/2

Backstage, AJ and The OC celebrate by stomping on a food covered table.

The Minnesota Vikings of the Oakland Raiders are here to…Raid. I think.

Match 4: Viking Raiders vs Dudes

SQUASH.

Winner: The Viking Raiders

Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Seth Rollins talks to his two black friends.

Match 5: Becky Lynch vs Alexa Bliss
Becky gets a bulk of offense then tries for the disarmer, but rolls it into a pin for 1..2..NO!!! Alexa trips her up into the bottom rope then steps on her back. Cross with a cheap shot!!! Alexa with a baseball slide.Becky with some uppercuts and knees in the middle of the ring. She hits the ropes. Battering ram to Bliss.Bliss dorps Becky then covers for 1..2..NO!!IN the middle of the ring, Alexa works an abdominal stretch. Becky turns into the hold, Bliss rolls her up. 1…2..NO!! Right hand to the face! Bliss mounts with a bunch of rights. She covers again. 1..2..NO!! Alexa drops a knee, but Becky moves. Dropkick to Alexa. Alexa sends Becky to the apron. Becky with a kick to the ut. She walks in the ring. Beckslpoder, but Alexa drops Becky!!! Becky with a clothesline. Another. Misses a kick. Connects with another. She grabs Alexa, locks the leg, hits a Becksploder. Also puts Alexa in a great position. Ref holds Becky back as Alexa claims her ankle hurts.

Bliss cries as the medical examiner comes to check on her. She is crying on the steps. The ref calls the match.

Winner: Becky Lynch

Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: *1/2

Nikki hops on the apron. She yells at Becky, saying she’ll get what’s coming to her, and if Becky wants to go, they can go. She enters the ring and calls for a match. Becky is down.

Back from a break, and the match is official.

Match 6: Becky Lynch vs Nikki Cross
Nikki shoevs Becky a few times, still very upset at the fact that Alexa is injured. Becky attacks in the corner. Snapmre to Nikki. Becky with a shoulder tackle. Alexa is outside the ring with her leg elevated. Nikki kicks Lynch our of the corner. She goes to the top rope. Nikki dives. Crossbody and a pin for 1..2…NO!!! Nikki sends Becky into the corner. Nikki shoulders her. Snapmare again. Cravat from behind. Becky up. Nikki lands on her fet. Cover. Becky Matrix’s out of it. Elbow missed in the corner. Springboard kick from Becky. She sends Niki to the outside. Nikki on the apron. She hangs up Becky. Nikki to the top rope.

Becky kicks the legs out from under her. Manhandle Slam. Pin for 1…2..3!!!

Winner: Becky Lynch

Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

Alexa is better! She attacks Becky in the corner! Nikki gets up to help!! She’s in on the stomps and the ruse! Alexa kicks Becky in the face. Out comes Natalya, who suddenly cares…

CALL ME SURPRISED!

She puts the Sharpshooter on Becky Lynch!!!!

Maria taunts Braun. Braun breathes heavily.

Seth Rollins heads out to the ring. He awaits Dolph.

HBK’s music hits and Michael Cole says, “Oh My God,” so you know it’s not real.

It’s Dolph. He cuts a promo like only Dolph can.

Match :

Seth attacks immediately, sending Dolph to the outside. He grabs Dolph and sends him into the barricade. Seth sends him into the apron. Seth sends Dolph into the barricade yet again. Seth grabs Dolph and sends him nack in the ring. Seth rolls in, goes in with a right to the face, another. Back on the outside, Ziggler sends Seth to the barricade, but Seth stops him and sends him instead. Seth with a right hand. He sends Dolph back into the ring. Snapmare and a kick to the back. Knee drop to Ziggler. Ziggler rolls to the apron. Seth follows. Dolph kicks the ropes. DDT on the apron.

Return from a break, and Seth’s reversal is reversed but he hits a huge elbow anyway. Seth sends Dolph into the corner. Stomps from Seth. He hits the ropes. Slingblade. Cover for 1..2…NO!! Ziggler is able to kick, then stack Seth up using the ropes. He only gets two, goes for another huge DDT, but Seth catches him and hits a Falcon Arrow. Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Seth waits for dolph to stand. He rushes the corner, gets lifted over to the apron, hits a right, springboard, but Dolph moves. Dolph sends Seth into the post twice, ZIG ZAG! Pin for 1…2…NO!!!! Ziggler calls for the Superkick. But Seth is there to give him one! Another! Seth calls for the stomp. He turns.

BROCK LESNAR’s MUSIC HITS! He’s here!!! Brock is here!!!

Brock walks down the ramp, removes the belt, hands it over to Heyman, then enters the ring! Dolph holds the leg of Seth. Brock is in! He attacks!

Winner: Seth Rollins via DQ

Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: ½*

Brock with a german. Another. Seth rolls to the outside. Brock grabs him and sends him into the barricade back first. Again. German Suplex! Lesnar with a Firemans! He goes full Zach Gowen on Seth and F5s him into the ringpost!

Brock grabs a chair and sends it into the ring after he sends Seth in. Brock smacks the chair over the back of Seth. He then sits on the chair and stares Seth down. Brock goes for another F5. This time ON THE CHAIR! Brock grabs Seth for another F5, this time onto the edge of the back of the chair. Seth is bleeding internally, apparently. Brock grabs him again and hits yet another F5 onto Seth onto the chair. Heyman begs Brock to stop.

Backstage, Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, and The Club are beating down The Usos and Roman Reigns. Further backstage, in some true Tarintino directing, EMTs are putting Seth into an ambulance. It begins to drive away, but stops suddenly. It’s Brock. He circles to the back of the ambulance, opens the door, and drags him out. Brock stomps Seth out hard, then F5s him ONTO the gurney!

Back to the ring, Joe says the summit is off and he didn’t come here to talk, he came here to fight. He invites Roman down to the ring to fight, if he has any guts to do so.

Reigns is pissed. He comes out. Joe is ready. Reigns attacks with a right. Punches to Joe. Joe rolls to the outside. Reigns follows. Joe eats a hard right. Reigns with another. He sends Joe into the apron face first, then drags him over to the barricade. He hits a right. Another. Headbutt. Joe with one of his own. Headbutt from Reigns. Whip to the barricade is reversed and Joe sends Reigns into the steps. Reigns just stands up, grabs the steps, and tosses them into the face of Joe.

DREW MCINTYRE IS HERE!!! He gets whipped into the barricade by Reigns. Uppercut to Drew. Reigns heads into the audience. He gets kneed by Drew. Drew drags him into the crowd. Reigns headbutts him towards the barricade, and uppercuts him back into the red zone. Joe is here to attack. Both men double team against Reigns, and get him into the ring. Stomps to Reigns over and over.

CEDRIC IS HERE!! He flies off the top onto Joe. Kick to Drew. Springboard kick to the face of Drew. Cedric hits the ropes He dies after a lothesline by Joe, though! Drew sends Cedric back up the ramp.

In the ring, Joe attacks Reigns. Drew chops Cedric on the top of the ramp then suplexes him into the board on the stage. Drew sends Cedric off the stage. Joe is up near the announce table with Reigns. They lift Reigns, looking for a slam, but Jimmy and Jey are out to attack!!!! Gallows and Anderson follow!!! They attack The Usos! Heels and Faces collide!!! One single ref is yelling at everyone.

Cedric Aleander is on top of the Screen!!! He flies onto all men!!! Everybody goes down!!! Cedric grabs Drew, of all people, and attacks him down the ramp with shots to the back. Drew sends Cedric into the ring. CLAYMO—-NO!!!! Alexaner with a dropkick to Drew! Cedric to the top rope! Gallows and Anderson are there to stop him. They lock the head. Going for a Magic Killer, but Reigns is here! Superman Punch! Another to Gallows. One for Drew. Cedric hits the ropes. He flies over onto Drew. Samoa Joe in. The Usos in! SUPERKICK!!!!! SPEAR!!!!

And on this day, racism lost.

End Show