411’s WWE RAW Report 8.26.19

Welcome to another edition of “Tony’s Self Pity-Party Extravaganza!!”

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RAW starts how it should every week with the presence of the hot ass Sasha Banks. She’s got a match tonight against Natalya, and she’s gonna beat that ass. Bitch Sasha is so hot…

We get a nice video package of Sasha’s return, and they are sure to incorporate Becky in it all.

Sasha stands in the middle of the ring, waiting for the video to stop. She stares at hard cam, and it’s like she’s looking into my soul. Or penis.

Sasha isn’t so quick to talk, but when she does, she says everyone wants to know why. Why and where she’s been. She counts four months, say she’s been gone, out of sight, minding her own business, not talking to anyone yet all she hears is her name in people’s mouths.

Everyone talked about her loss at Mania. She did. How she cried. She did. How she took her ball home. She did. She was relegated to a Wrestlemania tag team match that she cared nothing about, defending tag team titles that meant less, while Becky got her main event against Ronda. We’re right, she took her ball and went home, and she went on a few vacations with her Mania check. She then shows grievance on Becky getting paid more. She then came back to work. She had a plan, though. It needed to be a perfect moment, and there she was – good ol Nattie.

Sasha came out here two weeks ago, gave her a big ol hug, and lied straight to her face. And look who came to same the day; right on cue, Becky Lynch. And we saw what happened to her.

Sasha says she is the standard. She is the Boss of the Women’s Division. She is the talk of it, and she deserves all this glory. As far as…

Natalya has heard enough. She rushes down the rmap and spears Sasha. She beats her down, but Sasha turns it around. Both girls up and nattie sends Sasha into the steps. Nattie beats Sasha down a bit but Sasha mounts her. They roll around a bit till some refs come down. Finlay is there to stop Sasha but only for a bit as the girls find each other once again. Sasha tries to kick Nattie as they hold her back. Nattie attacks, fending off the refs, and beats down Sasha a bit. Refs and Fin hold Nattie back as Sasha stares in shock and awe and blue hair.

Backstage, The Street Profits do their thing. They bring up a Tag Team Turmoil match and explain the rules of said match. The winner of this match will face Braun and Seth for the titles at Clash.

Heavy Machinery, The Revival, Lucha House Party, Hawkins/Ryder, The B Team, and The Viking Raiders, and Gallows/Anderson, and Robert Roode/Dolph Ziggler.

Well I don’t have any interest in that…

Before Drew makes his way to the ring, he stands at the throne, holds the scepter and the crown, and smiles as he claims his win. He says in a promo that he’ll exile losers from the WWE.

Match 1: Ricochet vs Drew McIntyre
Drew is quick to toss Ric across the ring, and side step a head scissors. He chops Ric down hard. Drew with a belly to belly, tossing ricochet all the way across the ring. Drew grabs Ricochet, pulls him up by his ear, and chops Ricochet own. Drew grabs the head, shoves, Ric holds the ropes and hits aback elbow. Another elbow to Drew. Ricohet sends Drew to the outside. Moonsault off the ring post but Drew moves, but Ricochet lands on his feet. Drew holds Ricochet and drops him on his back onto the barricade. Drew doesn’t release him, and instead carries Ricochet onto the steps. He drops Ricochet onto the corner of the apron hard.

Back from a break, and Drew has Ricochet in a submission. Drew goes for a pin, gets a 1, Ricochet runs up Drew and flips, kicks him in the face, and Drew is down. Ricochet is up. Kick to the running legs of Drew. He hits the curner hard face first. Ricochet kicks the buckle into his face. Riochet with a springboard dropkick. Drew rolls outside. Ric hits the ropes. He flies right onto Drew. Beautiful. Ricohet looks to lift Drew on his shoulders. He nearly gets him, but Drew lands on his feet. Ricochet kicks away a right hand. He goes for an inverted hurricanrana, but Drew grabs the legs and hits an Alabama Slam! Cover for 1..2..NO!!!! Drew presses Ric, Ric lands on his feet. Drew rushes the corner, but Ricochet CATCHES HIM!!! Holy shit! Northern Nights Suplex to Drew!!! He goes for another, but Drew just fucking tosses him like an empty bottle of Jack. Riccohet with a kick. Springboard clothesline to Drew. Standing Shooting Star! Cover for 1…2..NO!!! Ricochet on the corner. He looks to hop up, but Drew with a right hand right to the face of Ricochet. Whip to the steps, but Ricochet hops over them! He hops on the apron and swings a kick to the running Drew McIntyre. Ricochet runs, hops on the steps, flies, and DREW WITH A GLASGLOW KICK!!! He rolls Ricochet in the ring. Drew follows. He’s in the corner, turns. Waits. Ricochet stands. CLAY—-NO!!! Superkick to Drew!! Drew doesn’t go down! Ricochet clips the knee. Kick to the haed. Another to the head. A third doesn’t make it as Drew kicks uppercuts Ricochet! Sitout Powerbomb to Ricochet! Pin for 1..2…..NO!!!!!

Drew lifts Ricochet up on his shoulders and climbs the corner post. He gets up to the 2nd. Ricochet struggles down, pulls the leg of Drew. Drew eats the buckle. He sends Ricochet to the corner.

RECOIL TO DREW!!!! Ricochet to the corner. He goes up top. 630 to Drew! Cover for 1…….2……3!!!!

Winner: Ricochet
The match was amazing. The final result, however, not sure I’m ok with.
Match Quality: ****
Personal Enjoyment: ******
Total Rating: ****1/2

Backstage, Braun and Seth talk about being on the same page. Seth wonders if Braun is challenging him for the title. Braun says of course. Seth says he won’t like it, but he’s not backing down. It’s on. Seth v Braun after they team up to defend the tag titles.

Ok…

The Miz cuts a quick promo about wanting it all. These are the first steps to becoming King Awesome.

Match 2: Baron Corbin vs The Miz
Corbin takes his shirt off and tosses it at Miz, distracting him. He stomps Miz in the corner. Miz kicks out of the corner and hits some lefts to Corbin. He mounts in the corner, Baron shoves him off. Kick to Corbin. Another. Clotheslnie sends Corbin to the outside. Miz hits the ropes. Swings through the ropes. Corbin side steps. Right hand to The Miz. Corbin grabs The Miz’s head. He sends Miz nito the barricade back-first. He sends Miz into the ring, the nfollows with a roll. Corbin with a right, but Miz blocks and hits a right of his own. Left hand. Whip to the corner is reversed, Corbin slides under the ropes and back into the ring then clotheslines Miz down hard. Pin for 1…2…NO!!

Back from a break, and Miz hits a neckbreaker. He hits some knees in the corner a few times then goes to the top rope and comes off with an axe handle. Cover for 1…2…NO!!!

Cedric Alexander is watching backstage as Corbin kicks miz away in the ring, then hits a Deep Six. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Boot to the jaw from Miz. Goes for Skull Crushing Finale, Corbin counters, flips Miz, and he lands on his feet. Corbin rolls up, gets a knee, goes for End of Days, Miz counters out, kicks the knee. DDT! Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Miz with the It kicks to Corbin. Miz misses the last one and Corbin rolls Miz up. 1…2..NO!!! Corbin runs, slides under the ropes, but Miz is waiting for him this time. Skull Crushing Finale. Cover for 1…2….NO!!!!! Corbin rolls to the outside. He falls down on the mat while Miz stirs, in shock at the kickout.

Miz is pissed. He sends Corbin to the barricade on the outside, then sends him into the ring. Mi hits the ropes. END OF DAYS! Pin for 1…2…3!!

Winner: Baron Corbin
Damn…
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ***1/2
Total Rating: ***1/4

We go to last week when Rey was near retirement.

We get an announcement of “The Return of Rey Mysterio” as if we didn’t see him a week ago.

-eyeroll-

Match 3: Bayley vs Nikki Cross
Cross shoves Bayley. Bayley shoves back. Byley with a side headlock on the mat. They stand, Bayley whips Nikki, Nikki rolls through, gets a Saito suplex. Nikki rolls to the outside. Bayley kicks through the ropes, but Nikki pulls the legs out from under her and Bayley hits the apron first face. Nikki shoves Bayley int othe apron then rolls her into the ring. She drops a knee to the belly of Bayley. Another. Leg scissors from behind by Nikki. Nikki rolls into a pin but only gets a 2. Whip to the ropes and Nikki hits a knee. She sends Bayley into the ropes and hits another knee. Cover for 1…2..NO!!! Bayley gets hung up in the tree of woe. Nikki with a kick to the ribs. She headbutts the ribs now, then covers for 1..2…NO!!! Another cover for 1..2..NO!!! Bayley shoves Nikki, blocks a right and hits one of her own. Another. Headbutt from Nikki. Whip to the corner. Bayley flies though the ropes, slides under, rolls up Nikki. Another headbutt attempt, but Bayley catches her and hits a suplex. Bayley sends Nikki onto the apron and hits a running knee. Hanging drop and a cover for 1..2..NO!!! Nikki with a throat thrust. Bayley catches the running Nikki and hits a sidewalk slam.

Bayley to the top rope. Elbow Drop attempt. She hits it! Cover! 1…2….3!!!

Winner: Bayley
Welp
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Backstage, Braun gets some time to talk about Clash of Champs, and the possibility of him being a champ. Bruan says CoC will be historic. He’s going to defeat Seth for the title then later he’ll defend the US title as well. Winner takes all, and that feels good, unlike AJ will feel later tonight. There will be no one to stop Braun from getting the title.

Match 4: Tag Team Turmoil Match
Come to the match already in progress and we got Viking Raiders and The B Team. I miss a bulk of this match and sit down just as they hit The Viking Experience on Bo Dallas.

Winners: The Viking Raiders

Gallows and Anderson are announced next and head down without a single smile.

Bell rings and Gallows punches Eric. They double team Ibar, stomping him down, then send Eric off the apron yet again. Continue double team of Ibar. Splash in the corner. Both Anderson and Gallows head to the outsie. They beat down on Eric. Ibar hits the ropes. He flies!!! SUICIDE DIVE to Gallows and Anderson. Gallows uppercuts Eric. Ibar fights Anderson in the corner. There is no control her as all four men go at it! The ref decides to call it and disqualifies both teams.

Wow….

Why even book this match?

Up next is Dolph and Roode, and they’re going up against…

Lucha House Party!

Dolph is in, dodges metalik flipping who hits a springboard elbow. Roode in gets hurricanranad outside. Dorado to the top rope. Dolph shoves him off. He turns into Metalik rolling him up into a pin for 1..2..N!O!! Kick to Dolph, springboard, but Dolph kicks him in the bak of the head. Cover for 1..2…3!!!

Winners: Dolph Ziggler and Robert Roode

In come The Revival.

Dawson and Dolph to start. They try some amateur shit, but a side headlock takedown almost turns into a pin. Ziggler works the arm, rolls up, Dawson escapes and locks up against the roeps. Ref holds him back. Lockup again and Side headlock rom Dolph. Tag from Roode. Roode with a kick. He shoves Dawson into the corner and chops hard. Right hand to the face. Another. Chop from Scott. Another. Another. Whip to the corner is reversed. Roode with aback body drop. Tag to Ziggler. Tag from Dash. Dolph flies over Dawson but gets hit with a shoulder tackle by Dash. Tag to Dawson. Leg drop onto Ziggler. Cover for 1..2..NO!!!! Tag to Dash and they double swing Dolph into the ropes. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Dash cinches the waist from behind. Shouler to the gut of Ziggler. Tag to Dawson. He comes in, sends Dolph to the apron, then kicks Dolph’s shoulder a few times. Dash with a cheap shot. Dawson with a suplex. Cover for 1..2..NO!! Roode breaks it up. Elbows from Dolph as he fights out of the corner. Kick to Dolph. Back suplex but Ziggler lands on his feet. Hits an elbow. Tag to Roode. Superkick attempt, Ziggler with a Fameasser!!! Goes for a DDT, Dawson sends him into the corner. He hits a Brainbuster! Roode inside. He nearly gets brain busted but Roode hits a DDT. Cover for 1..2…3!!!

Winners: Dolph Ziggler and Robert Roode

We come back and Ryder and Hawkins are in the ring. Roode sends Hawkins into the post. Superkick in the middle of the ring by Ziggler. Pin for 1…2…3!!!

Winners: Dolph Ziggler and Robert Roode

Heavy Machinery are the final team, and they’re out in all of their chunky glory. Iggler and Roode wanta time out. The bell rings, and Tucker is on the outside, punching boh guys He rolls Ziggler in the ring, dodges a move, dives off the corner with a press for 1…2..NO!!! Tucker goes for a suplex. Tag from Otis. He grabs the suplex of Dolph and hits it. Tag to Tucker who flies into the ring over the top rope and onto Ziggler. He hits the ropes. Roode holds the ropes and Tucker tumbles to the outside. Tag to Roode. Roode send Tucker into the barricade, then sends him right into the steps. Ouch. Roode sends Tucker into the ring. He covers for 1..2…NO!!! Boot scrape to the face of Tucker. Drops a knee. Cover for 1..2..NO! Tag to Ziggler. Cover for 1….2..NO!! He works a hold from behind. Side headlock from Ziggler until he rolls to the back of Tucker. Ziggler sends him back down hard. Ziggler runs, shoots the legs, is caught, and slingshotted to the ringpost. Tucker reaches for a tag. Tag to Otis. Tag to Roode. Tackle from Otis. Another. Splash in the corner to Ziggler. Body slam to Roode after some spinning. Otis rushes the corner with a splash. Roode falls. Otis calls for it. Ziggler tries to stop it, but Otis plants him hard. He sends Ziggler into the corner. Splash to both men. They both go down. Roode rolls to the outside. Otis hits the caterpillar. Roode is in to roll up Oti for 1…2..NO!!! Otis with a splash and a cover for 1..2….NO!!! Otis tags in Tucker. Otis lifts Roode for the compactor. Tucker hits the ropes. SUPERKICK FROM ZIGGLER!!!

Zig Zag to Otis! Roode with the Glorious DDT to Tucker! Pin for 1..2….3!!!

Winners: Robert Roode and Dolph Ziggler
Aside from the lack of explanation of this team, the execution of the match as a whole was lacking.
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: *1/2

Match 5: Sasha Banks vs Natalya
Nattie is quick on the attack. They break it up. Sasha his the ropes and slides to the outside by Nattie sends her into the barricade. Hard suplex on the outside. Nattie sends Sasha into the ring. She mounts and hits a bunch of rights. Sasha shoves her. Nattie sends Sasha into the corner and beats down on Sasha for a while. Back elbow from Sasha. Wheelbarrow from nattie who turns it into a release german suplex. Wow. That was nice. Nattie drags Sasha into the middle of the ring. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Sasha kicks Nattie away. Nattie goes for the hair. Sasha sends th arm into the ringpost. Sasha sends. Nattie into the timekeppers area. Sasha sends her into the post again. Then into the ring. Sasha covers for 1..2..NO!! Sasha attacks the injured arm. Sasha grabs nattie by the chin. Nattie slaps Sasha. Sasha sends her in th corner and stomps a bunch then pulls her arm around the rope. Sasha rushes the corner for some knees, but Nattie side steps then rolls her up for 1..2.NO!!! leg takedown, Nattie wants the sharpshooter. Banks turns. Bank Statement! Nattie reaches for the ropes.

Sasha locks the leg behind Nattie then pulls the bad arm across the neck of Nattie. Natalya taps.

Winner: Sasha Banks

Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: **1/2

Sasha looks to leave the ring, but instead, she comes into th ring and locks in The Bank Statement one more time.

Match 6: Cesaro vs Cedric Alexander
Cesaro starts off hot with the uppercuts. Alexande chops Cesaro a few times. Cedric hops over Cesaro, locks the head, head scissors. Dropkick sends Cesaro to the outside. Cerdic hits the ropes, goes for a suicide dive, but Cearo hits a huge uppercut. He shoves Cedric into the ring. Cesaro hops on the apron. He gutwrenches and tosses Cedric away. Cover for 1…NO! Cravat from behind. Cedric escapes, busts the face of Cesaro, and hits the ropes as Cesaro rolls to the outside. Alexander flips over the top rope onto Cesaro. He rolls Cesaro into the ring. Esaro with a springboard clothesine. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Cesaro with a side headlock. Cedric with a crossbody sending cesaro to the outside.

Back from a break as Cole pontificates on an injury’s effect to Cedric’s King implications.

Anyway, cohp to Cesaro. Whip to Alex but he hits a high kick to the head. Cearo hits the ropes. Cedric tries to lift him, DOES! Holy shit. Hits a Michinoku Driver! Cedric gets up on the apron. He hits the corner. Looking to fly. He can’t hop up on the ropes. He climbs after a right hand. Cearo kick s the injured leg. Cesaro deadlifts homeboy into a superplex. Beautiful. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Cesaro turns the pin into a half boston crab. Alexander is able to escape and hits a standing Spanish Fly off the run! Cover for 1..2…NO!!!! Cedric grabs the trunks of Cesaro then locks up from behind for a side suplex. Cesaro elbows out. Cedrick goes for it but Cesaro turns and lands into a pin for 1..2..N!O!!! Back to the half crab. Cedric finds himself up on the shoulders of Cesaro, rolls forward into a pin for 1..2..NO!!! Back elbow. He hits the ropes for a springboard but lands into an Ankle Lock!!!!

Cedric sends Cesaro to the outside. He runs back in. Lumbar Check out of nowhere! Pin for 1…2…3!!!

Winner:
I hate seeing Cesaro lose, but that was a damn fine match
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ****
Total Rating: ***3/4

Backstage, Ziggler and Roode explain their pairing by mutually wanting it a little bit more than anyone else.

Main Event: AJ Styles vs Braun Strowman
We start with Braun tossing Aj to the outside then doing the whole running around the ring and bashing his opponent thing. He rolls Styles back in the ring. Braun rushes the corner and eats a boot. AJ calls for the forearm but Braun catches him and chokeslams him. Rope break off a pin. Big Boot to AJ as he is on the apron.

We come back to AJ with a sleeper hold on Braun. Braun is down to one knee. Braun tries to escape, but can’t quite do it. He stands up and squishes AJ in the corner. He runs for a boot but misses. AJ clips the back of the knee. Braun stands up, favoring his knee. AJ kicks the back of the knee. He goes for another one. Kick to the back of the leg. Right hand to the back of the head form AJ. AJ with a calf crusher to the huge ass Braun. AJ pulls and pulls. Braun looks to tap! He powers through. He won’t tap. Braun gets to one knee. He stands on his knee and turns to AJ. Headbutt to AJ. Cover for 1..2..NO!! Braun on his feet. Shoulder tackle. Another tackle to AJ. Braun is favoring the knee. He lifts AJ, looks for the powerslam, but AJ floats off. Braun turns. Runs. Hits the corner shoulder first! The ref had to rush to the apron. Nice. Braun turns, AJ shoves Braun into the ref. Welp.

AJ with the rights to the face. Over and over. He wants a chokeslam. Rake of the eyes. Low blow. AJ grabs on the chair. Goes for a huge hit, but Braun hits the powerslam! He covers. Gets a three but the ref is out! Anderson and Gallows run donw and try to double team, but Braun grabs a chair and smacks both men in the back. They roll out of the ring. AJ is up. He fakes a chair shot. The ref turns to see Braun with the chair.

The ref yells that he heard the chair shot, and calls for the match to end.

Dumb.

Winner:

Match Quality:
Personal Enjoyment:
Total Rating:

Braun goes crazy with the chair on everyone! Braun with a powerslam to everyone! He grabs AJ. Another powerslam to AJ! Braun stands tall.

End Show