Dolph Ziggler signs his Summerslam contract, A Fatal Four Way crowns new WWE Women's Tag Team Champions, Samoa Joe calls out Roman Reigns, and more! Check out the full results for details!

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411’s WWE Raw Report 8.5.19

August 5, 2019 | Posted by Tony Acero
Alexa Bliss Nikki Cross WWE Raw 8-5-19

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Guess what, guys?! I found out the owner of my bar moved to New York and took some of my recipes with him without asking! This wouldn’t be an issue if he didn’t talk so much shit about them when he was here! On the bright side, though, my drinks have officially made it to New York!!

The show starts solemnly with a ten bell salute followed by a moment of silence dedicated to those in Dayton and El Paso who perished due to idiots with guns.

Our opening is cut short because Samoa Joe is standing atop the announce table to talk shit to commentary. He says he knows what they’re going to talk about and how there will be accusations thrown his way. Did anyone see Joe near Reigns? It’s Cole’s job to speak, now is his time.

Cole says that they are live, a week away, and here’s Joe saying he was wrongly accused. Corey says last week was an accident, but Joe’s gotta understand. Joe says this doesn’t make him guilty. Cole says there was a poll where more than 80% believe this was no accident. Joe has a poll, too, and says 80% of the Universe are idiots. Joe wants to see the footage.

Interesting how an exchange between Corey and Joe seems so real, yet the exchanges between Cole and Joe seem so, so, so scripted and weak.

Joe says looks like we had more cams than a dystopian state, but not one slice of Joe. Tonight, his good name has been besmirched, so he will stay here till Reigns arrives, and when he does, the show wil be shut down until he gets the apology he deserves, and if anyone has a problem…

Becky Lynch, of all people, come out to stop Joe in his tracks. She holds her title up high, and I guess that ends that?

Charlotte is out after her, and apparently they’re a tag team. Oh man, look at this crazy and wacky team of people who dislike each other!

It appears we are getting a tag match with Trish and Natalya on one side? Wait…what? Awkward choice that makes little sense from this side. And, yes, I know they’re both Canadian.

Cole yelps that Trish hasn’t been on RAW in nearly a year as if that’s some magnificent feat.

Does Natalya add a layer every week? Seriously, she looks like Super Shredder…

Match 1: Trish Stratus and Natalya vs Charlotte Flair and Becky Lynch

Nattie and Becky to start. They lockup aggressively until Nattie shoves Becky. Becky looks for the quick tap out but Nattie takes her down and works the left arm. Becky rols out of t, locks up from behind. Switch, and Nattie shoots the feet, then rolls over the back and gets a front face headlock. Becky shoots the legs and gets a lock of her own. Nattie pulls her down, and locks in a quick ass arm bar!!! Becky escapes through the legs, and forces a pin for 1…2..NO!!! Becky goes for the Sharpshooter, but Nattie won’t allow it. Becky turns with the arm, looking for the Disarmer, but Charlotte gets a blind tag. Becky, obviously upset, leaves the ring. Charlotte with some chops. Whip to Nattie is revesed. Charlotte flips over the ropes and hits a shoulder. She flies though the ropes, roll through, Nattie hits the ropes, Crucifix pin attempt, but she floats down instead and rolls up for 1..2…NO!!!! Snapmare from Nattie, she runs the back of Charlotte, but Charlotte picks the leg!!! BIG BOOT to Nattie! Charlotte with a hard stomp. Nattie reaches for a tag. Charlotte stops her, mockingly. Cravat from behind. Charlotte wretches the hold annoyingly. Nattie is dropped hard by Charlotte. Charlotte pretends to tag, thinks better of it and smacks her ass instead. Kicks from Charlotte. She pulls Nattie up against the ropes. Nattie with a right hand. Charlotte drops some elbows to the face of Nattie. Charlotte sends Nattie into the corner face first. She goes for a suplex, but Nattie lands on her feet and locks up behind. Elbow from Charlotte hits hard, Charlotte rolls up for 1..2…NO!!!! Nattie kicks Charlotte into the corner buckle. Nattie shoots for the legs. She wants the Sharpshooter. Charlotte with a right hand. Nattie blocks a big boot and gets a spinning discus. Tag to Trish is near. Charlotte there to stop it bty slamming Nattie down hard. She goes to punch Trish, Trish drops down off the apron. Nattie rolls her up. 1…2..NO!!!! T Bone suplex from Charlotte. Trish enters, looking to fight. Ref holds her back. Charlotte looks for the end, hits the ropes. TAG from Becky. Becky in to grab the hair, but Charlotte shoves Becky down into the mat then leaves the ring. Charlotte brushes off her shoulders and leaves up the ramp away from the match that, allegedly, she was forced to be a part of.

IN the ring, Nattie locks in The Sharpshooter!!! Becky reaches the ropes! The ref calls for the DQ.

Winners: Charlotte Flair and Becky Lynch via DQ
Did y’all see that flash of awesomeness from Nattie in the beginning before Charlotte slowed it the fuck down?
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: **3/4

Trish etners the ring and stops Nattie. Nattie turns and shoves Trish. She leaves the ring, staring deadly at it on her way up. Trish checks on Becky.

Rey Mysterio is so upset. You can tell by the contacts he chooses to wear.

Match 2: Rey Mysterio vs Andrade

Rey with a drop toe hold. He ttacks the back bt Andrade shoves, then hits a tilt a whirl backbreaker. Kick from Rey. Another kick, then an Enziguri. Andrade on the ropes. Rey for the 619, but Andrade is up quick and sends Rey down with a tackle. He hits the ropes, misses a dropkick and Rey comvers for 1..NO!!! Kick then a head scissors into the post by Rey. Rey hits the ropes. Kick from Andrade. Whip to the corner. Andrade stomps Rey’s back. Chop from Andrade in the corner. He hits a knee. Whip to Rey into the corer. He locks up, sends Rey over his back, but Rey grabs the arm and sends Andrade to the outside!!! Rey hits the ropes. He flies and gets a sunset flip, sending Andrade INTO the barricade!!!

We are back from the break, and Andrade has Rey on his shoulders on the 2nd rope. Rey on his shoulders now. Rey spins. Head scissors to Andrade off the top!! Rey covers for 1..2….NO!!!! Kick form Andrade to Rey on the apron. Swingning kick from Rey. Rey to the top. Seated Senton. Hurricanrana to Andrade! Right hands to the face!!! Rey whips. Andrade Sunset Flips, Rey rolls through. KICK TO THE HEAD! Pin for 1…2.NO!!! Rey in the middle of the ring. They set up. Canadian (Mexican?) Destroyer. Andrade misses a chop after the in, but back hands him hard then covers for 1..2..NO!!!Both men up in the corner, exchanging blows. Rey gets locked up and Andrade stomps the chest. He covers for 1..2….NO!!!! Rey springboards ont the shoulders of Andrade, but Rey uses the momentum to do a crucifix bomb of sorts. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Andrade sends Rey into the corner, seated. Andrade hits the corner hard and flies with the knees right to the face of Rey. Cover for 1..2…NO!!!! Rey gets lifted by Andrade and Rey spins again into a piledriver. Rey covers for 1..2…NO!!! 619 from Rey!!! Frogsplash, but Andrade has the knees up. Andrade covers for 1….2….NO!!!! Andrade with the underhook, but Rey rolls into it for a pin. 1…2…NO!!! Kick from Andrade. He goes for a supelx, Rey gets locked under, and Andrade hits a powerbomb. Andrade grabs the mask! He tries to rip it off. Rey objects. The ref holds Andrade back.

Zelina hangs Rey up on the ropes while the ref is distracted. Andrade with the finish! Pin for 1…2….3!!!!

Winner: Andrade
Wowwie! Some of the more telegraphed moves were a bit obvious, but still pretty stellar. These guys are gold.
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ****
Total Rating: ***1/2

Recap of the dumb ass Maria choice from last week.

And to make it all the better, we are AT THE OB GYN! Maria holds her title up, smacks Mike, and tells him to pay attention. They will be marching into Summerslam She tells Mike it’s his one job to protect her and the title. Mike says he promises he won’t let her down.

Maria is called in, and they leave.

The set up is about as professional as a third grade play.

We return to the OB/GYN. Maria is set up with her title. Maria wants Mike to show her some testosterone and prove he can protect her. Mike says to relax and focus on the baby. He hugs Maria and lays her back down. The doc turns. She counts the pin. 1…2…3!!!

Mike enters the waiting room ecstatic at the win.

Truth is dressed in drag with Carmella next to him. Truth says “OBG – Y Not” and says his water broke. He tosses a baby in the air, Mike catches said baby, Truth rolls him up, and the same ref that, seemingly was on Mike’s side, counts the pin and Truth escapes with the title and the blonde.

Charley finds this funny back at the arena. She is here to interview Becky. Becky is limping. Charley wonders if Canada will help Nattie. Becky says she can bring all 9,000 of The Hart Family’s members. She has already let Canada down her entire career. Becky talks of the machine being behind her, but that’s because she gave them no other option because she is not wlaking around like a good girl, hoping people will like her enough not to fire her. Becky is proud of being on top, and while she was out changing this business, Nattie was on a reality tv show changing her bikini. Becky is the one thing Nattie’s career is missing, and in Toronto, she’s going to give Canada what they need – a new hero.

We got the blonde chick with Nattie for a response.

Nattie says people will celebrate when she makes her tap out, and she’s not going to tap her out. She can’t even break her arm, because she’s still not going to tap even if she does. She will lock in the Sharpshooter and….oh fuck this. Her promo devolves immediately into clichés and idiocy. Just know that Becky won this battle of words.

Brock is here. Heyman introduces him. Heyman is authorized, and has been ordered to educate each of us. He’s got some questions. Wasn’t Seth supposed to be the BeastSlayer? Wasn’t he supposed to be the conquer of conquerors? Wasn’t he supposed to be the one man that had Lesnar’s number? The answer lies in a piece of footage. Heyman calls our attention to said footage.

Heyman then puts Seth’s dick pic on the big screen.

Heyman, apparently, dropped to his knees last week, and begged that an unmerciful beast to show any semblance of mercy on Rollins. Heyman knows the WWE needs a new hero. Then, tonight, after the beating of what Seth suffered, Seth Rollins still decided to come here to Pittsburgh tonight.

Not sure why we would cheer someone who is willing to go down in a blaze of glory, because it proves that Seth has more balls than he does brains.

Seth’s music hits, and Brock smirks. Seth walks down a broken man, but he has a backwards hat on, so +4 Level Douche. Seth has a chair. He enters the ring as Heyman screams that it’s not worth it. Seth runs. Brock kicks the ribs. He steps on the chair. Seth tries to pull it. He loses his douche hat!!! Oh no, that’s it. Game over. Brock grabs the chair and hits Seth in the midsection. Brock on the attack with a smack of a chair. Brock toys with Seth for a bit. Heyman yells on from outside. Seth shoots the leg, but Brock gives him a knee. I think Rollins has an orgasm. F5 to Seth.

That’s it guys. That’s what happened there.

We come back to Seth with a mic on the floor, and it’s gotten to a point where he’s gotta ask himself if this is worth it. I wonder what kind of conditioner he uses. Do you think wrestlers share shampoo?

He claims that sometimes you love something so much that you do anything to protect it even if the thing you love gets you beat up week (WHAT) after week (WHAT) after week.

Is he talking about the 24/7 title, too? For him, the answer is yes. This is all he’s got. He’ll be at Summerslam, and he’ll beat Brock Lesnar. He guarantees it.

Some EMTs have a stretcher, but Seth doesn’t appear to like the material. He walks himself up the ramp as someone in the crowd yells for him to rub some dirt on it.

Backstage, Charley is standing next to a box of BACKSTAGE LIGHTING and I honestly just don’t think that’s safe…

It appears Kurt is going to ref a match tonight. He gets the hometown shoutout.

From behind him comes a chant of USA. It’s the Street Profits. They introduce themselves. They’re carrying an ice chest. They pimp their tag team title defense match this Saturday. They talk bout the Three Is and Kurt Angle looks like a father at a talent show. We get some beat boxing of Kurt’s theme music. Out comes the milk. It’s organic!!!!

Kurt says he promised his wife he wouldn’t be get too crazy. Kurt says just one after they call him Mike K.

Drew overhears all the hilarity, and he was worried his sides were genuinely going to split. He is about to step forward but gets stopped by Angelo….whoa. That wa a nice moment. He says he comes in peace, just wants to make sure Angle calls it down the middle. Have they seen the match with Angle he had? Didn’t he tap Angle out to his own move? If Kurt steps out of line, he’ll take his boot and crack his skull open.

Match 3: The Minnesota Viking Raiders of Oakland vs Jobbers

Honestly, the only thing worth noting here is that Corey mentions how quiet the crowd is as if it’s a good thing, and Renee hilariously says, “Just end it.”

Winners: The Minnesota Viking Raiders of Oakland
Match Quality: 0
Personal Enjoyment: -100
Total Rating: -50

A video package for Harley Race is shown.

Kurt Angle comes out to much love. Cedric is next. Drew attacks from behind! He sends Cedric to the barricade, then slaps Cedric in the face. He sets up for the Alabama Slam. I’m mad cuz they havn’t panned to Angle’s WOW face yet. Cedric escapes the hold, hops on the barricade, and grabs the head then hits a DDT to the floor!!

The lights go out. Uh oh….

The Fiend has Kurt in the middle of the ring!!! He’s got the Mandible Claw locked in.

New Day is here after a break.

The OC is here. Gallows has on face paint on he’s chewing gum. So, obviously, they’re getting paid more.

Match 4: Big E, Xavier Woods, and Ricochet vs The OC

Anderson and Woods to start. Kick to Woods. Woods with an eblow after a whip then a tackle. AJ with a right hand on the apron. After some stomps and kicks, the ref calls for a DQ.

The OC attacks with stomps as we are informed Kofi is not here. AJ sends Woods into the corner. Kicks and stomps until…..

Ricochet runs down the ramp! He holds the ropes, Gallows is out. Kick to Anderson. Head scissors to AJ. Dropkick to AJ.

Ricochet and AJ to start. Head scissors sends Aj to the apron. He asks for the refs to hold him back. Kick to Ric, elbow from Ric, AJ in the corner sends Ric into the buckle. AJ hgoes for a supelx, Ric lands on his feet, rolls up for 1…2.NO!!! Wheelbarrow into another pin for 1..2..NO!! Throat thrust from AJ. AJ sends Ric into the corner .Tag to Anderson. Ric with a right forearm. Whip and Ric rolls over the back. Neckbreaker from Ric. Pin for 1..2…NO!!! Tag from Big E. He enters and attacks the mid section. Another uppercut. A third. Clothesline. Kick from Anderson to the knee. Tag to Gallows. Big Boot. Hard punches in the corner to Big E. Gallows with a headbutt. Elbows from Gallows to the shoulders of Big E. KICK to Big E. Gallows rushes the corner. Big E moves. Tag from AJ. He grabs Big E and drags him to the conre. Big E fights out, hitting each of the guys. Kick from aj, back hand, misses another, back suplex attempt from Big E. Aj lands on his feet. Elbow to Woods. AJ hits the ropes. BELLY TO BELLY!!! AJ crawls for a tag. Woods back up. Tag to Anderson. Tag to Woods. Woods with a right. Sends Gallows of the apron. Kick to the fut. Whip and Anderson reveres, rope work, Woods with a spinning elbow! AJ sends Woods in the corner, runs int a kick. Honor Roll to AJ. Woods hits the ropes. Knee to Anderson. Gallows in to stop it. Ric with a springboard dropkick to Gallows. Big E sends Gallows out.Phenomenal forearm from AJ. Enziguri to AJ from Ricochet. Dropkick to AJ in the face, sending him outside. He goes for another to Gallows, but Gallows side steps and catches him, then sends him into the barricade hard.

DDT from Anderson to Woods. Tag to Gallows. They’re in. Magic Killer. Pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winners: The OC
An average match that didn’t really need to happen.
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

Recap of what happened to reigns. Joe’s music hits. He comes down and demands the presence of Reigns. He then grabs a chair and sits in the ring, says he’s going to give him to the count of three. He counts. Then he says he has all night. Sure, that makes perfect sense.

He says he’ll keep all these people here all night.

We get notification that Reigns is in the parking lot. Joe is informed, and he says he’s impatient so he’s going to go greet his ass. Joe walks up the ramp and to the back.

We are now waiting for cameras. They had so many when Reigns was attacked, now we must wait for one.

We get it, as someone is following Joe. Up comes a car, and we also have a security type camera set up that we flash back to.

Joe walks up to Reigns, who exits his driver side. They jawjack for a second. Reigns looks to man up, until he says “oh shit” and a car comes driving in from stage right into Reigns car.

During the commercial, we see Joe unsure of what to do. The car drives away. Joe tries to break the driver door down, then looks after Reigns. He screams for a medic and yells at Reigns to stay down.

Reigns favors his shoulder as Joe yells for help. Triple H eventually comes up to check on Reigns. Reigns looks to be ok. He stands out of the car, reaching for his neck. Triple H uses his Father of Three Girls voice.

Match 1: Fatal Four Way Elimination Match
Kabuki Warriors vs Mandy Rose and Sonya Deville vs Nikki Cross and Alexa Bliss vs The Iiconics

We’re starting with Mandy and Kay. Lockup and Kay gets Mandy in the corner. Tag to Royce and they stomp Mandy down a bit. Tag to Kay. They double team with kicks to the front then back. The Iiconics attack Kabukis then send Bliss and Nikki off. Eat Defeat to Sonya. High kick to Nikki. They double team Alexa down. In comes Sane and they hit a stalled front suplex to Kairi. In comes Asuka, who eats a boot by Kay. Bulldog to Asuka. Iiconic pose until Mandy comes in to attack Royce from behind. Roll up to Kay for 1. Right hands over and over to Kay. Ropes and she eats a hard right to the face. Kay calls for Royce to enter the ring. She’s in. Royce hits the ropes. Sonya with a high kick to the head. She rolls Royce outside .Mandy rolls up Kay. Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Running knee to Kay. 1…2…3!!!

The Iiconics have been eliminated

We come b ack after a break and start with Asuka and Mandy. Mandy shoves, nearly eats a kick. Tag to Bliss from Mandy. Alexa is shocked but gets in. She’s ready. And lord that ass…Alexa then tags in Sonya. Test of strength, but Sonya drops then side headlocks. Rope work and Sonya hits a shoulder tackle, forcing Asuka into the ropes and she fires back with one of her own!! Kicks to the chest of Sonya. Kick to the chest of Asuka. Another. Another. Rope, slides underneath, blind tag from Sane, booty push into Sonya and Sane comes in to help with a double team. Kick, Kick, bulldog, kick! Tag to Bliss. Bliss is all smiles. Sane calls Bliss short. Sane offers a shake, Alexa reaches, Sane pulls back. Kick from Bliss drops Sane, and Bliss makes fun og her for bein short. Sweep of the legs. Stomp and a cover for 1…2….NO!!! Sane works the arm. Tag from Asuka. Axe handle to the arm. Go behind. Bliss on the ropes. Tags Mandy in. Asuka rolls up for a pin, but Mandy is there to hit a right. Tag to Sonya. Whip to the ropes .Kick and knees to Asuka then they slam her down. Sonya covers for 1..2…NO!!! Sonya with a double underhook. Tag from Mandy. Mandy enters. Goes for a right, but Asuka kicks, goes for another to Sonya. Misses. Mandy with a running knee! Pin for 1…2..NO!!! Mandy double underhooks. Lifts Asuka, goes to drop her, but Asuka doesn’t help it. Spin, High knee to Mandy’s face. Asuka hops up, looking for the Asuka lock! Sonya won’t get in the ring, which is weird. Not sure why she wouln’t. Mandy taps.

Mandy Rose and Sonya Deville have been eliminated

We are back from a break, and Asuka has an ankle lock on Nikki. Asuka grabs the neck and adds in a chinlock. Asuka goes for an Ankle Lock, but Nikki escapes. She grabs the leg of Asuka. Tag from Bliss, who is noticeably not anxious to get in. She lifts Asuka up. Throat thrust from Nikki. Alexa with a slap to the face. Kicks form Bliss. Tag to Nikki. Stomp to Asuka. Nikki grabs Asuka and shoves her in the face a few times. Asuka is no sellin it. Throat thrust again. Neckbreaker to Asuka. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Nikki lifts Asuka up. She goes for a back supple. Hits it. Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Nikki woth e;bpws tp the git/ She tries for a splash. Asuka can’t make it to the partner. GERMAN from Asuka. Both girls down. Tag to Sane. Tag to Bliss. Dropkick fro mKairi. Running snapmare. Another. Sane whips, reversed, Sane with a crossbody. She calls for the end. Alexa in the corner. Sane stomps. She’s walking the plank, apparently. Punch to Nikki. Sliding forearm to Bliss. Tag to Asuka. Sane grabs Nikki. Codebreaker. Double kick to Nikki. Nikki rolls to the outside randomly. Asuka with the Asuka lock!!! Alexa rolls out of the hold into a pin!!! 1….2…..NO!!!! Alexa is up and she’s pissed. She runs right into a huge kick or knee. Tag to Sane. Sane is at the top rope. Nikki is on the apron. Nikki shoves Sane as the ref holds Asuka back. Asuka slides. Nikki traps her in the apron. Punch after punch. Dropkick from Alexa to Asuka!

Sane hits a shoulder to Nikki. Right hand from Bliss. Bliss with Twisted Bliss. Pin for 1…2….3!!!

Winners and NEW WWE Women’s Tag Team Champions
Match Quality: *1/2
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *1/4

The Miz is here! He introduces HBK rather quickly, cuz it’s like 7:55 PM.

HBK makes his way down to the ring and gets his shit in.

Miz then introduces the pariah of the WWE, Dolph Ziggler.

Ziggles is wearing jeans and a blazer. I never got that look.

Ziggler says he’d rather be a pariah than be an ass kisser like these two. He’s been stealing shows and carrying the company on his back for the last decade. He’s the best thing to happen to pro wrestling since HBK lost his smile, and The Miz lost his balls. There’s only one legend in the ring, and they are looking at him. Think for one second that Miz can beat Ziggler, then good luck because when he wins, he will finally get the adulation and appreciation that he deserves by being a living, breathing, legend.

Miz says this is all he does. Calling names didn’t work in the 5th grade, and it ain’t gonna work on a grown ass man. If he feels how he feels, it’s not the WWE Universe or the legends, it’s Ziggler. Miz can’t wait to get him on RAW.

Ziggler looks confused.

Miz wants to clear it up. He didn’t read the fine print. Miz is going to have many future Summerslam moments, but the guy Ziggler is going to face may not have many left. The contract Dolph signed is him vs someone else.

That someone else….

Miz looks to HBK.

HBK stares Dolph down. He lifts the mic.

“No Dolph…it’s not me.”

The crowd starts the Goldberg chant.

His music hits.

Goldberg is here. He enters the ring. Dolph leaves the ring and removes his blazer. He is taking off his shirt as Goldberg grabs a pen and opens the contract binder. He signs with a smile. Goldberg tells Ziggler that he’s next.

Ziggler shouts up the ramp then runs into a Sweet Chin Music by HBK!!!

They really ended that like it was the hottest angle of the Summer…

End Show

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411's WWE RAW Report, Tony Acero