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411’s WWE Smackdown Report 05.09.02

May 9, 2002 | Posted by Brendan Johnston

WWE SmackDown! for May 9, 2002 from Bridgeport, Connecticut

Report by Brendan Johnston exclusively for www.411wrestling.com

So last week’s Smackdown pulled a 2.9 in the ratings. Reportedly, F, of the popular group “WWF” was so disgusted with the low ratings that he quit, possibly to seek a more lucrative offer from the more ratings-consistent Sesame Street. Fortunately, E had been down in OVW for conditioning, and was ready to be called up as soon as he was needed. That will be the final WWF/WWE joke of the night. Thank you.

In other news, I have a cold.

This week’s edition of SmackDown opens with a “Get the F Out” spot involving an old woman and topiary. The SD montage rolls, the pyro hits and Michael Cole and Tazz welcome us to Bridgeport for WWE SmackDown! Tazz says the WWE has a new look, same atttitude. Actually, it looks pretty much the same, Tazz.

Kid Rock’s “Legs” hits and Stacy makes her way to the ring and dances for the crowd. (It is so unfair that that girl is my age.) Stacy announces the owner of Smackdown, and her boss, Vince McMahon.

“NO CHANCE! THAT’S WHAT YOU GOT!!” Dirty Old Vince swaggers out and Stacy watches adoringly as holds the ropes open for him. Vince thanks Stacy and the “@$$hole” chants start. Vince chides them for using language like that in the presence of a lady. Tazz chides them for using language like that in front of Cole. (Heh.) Stacy, says Vince, is a model employee, who will do anything he tells… er… asks her to do. In fact, Vince wishes he could clone her. (Can I have one?)

But not all of Vince’s employees are like that. Some are dissidents. Some are jerks, like Triple H. Vince reminds us that he warned HHH not to physically interfere, which, Vince has to admit, he didn’t. But he was a distraction, and that’s why Chris Jericho isn’t the WWE Champion tonight. Well things are gonna change tonight. For one, HHH cannot come within ten feet of Vince. For another, HHH has to do whatever Vince tells him to do. And if HHH doesn’t abide by this, there will be hell to…

“TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!!!!” Triple H makes his way down the ramp and stares Vince down before doing the water trick and posing on the turnbuckles. HHH keeps his distance as the crowd chants his name. HHH asks Vince if it was ten feet, or nine feet, or eight, or seven… he approaches Vince and gets in his face, asking how close he has to get before Vince destroys him. Is Vince going to destroy him, or is Vince slinging a load of bull$h!t? Lies, like when Vince tells Stacy an old man like him can satisfy a 20 year old woman. Doesn’t Vince think HHH would prefer someone like him? Stacy looks rather receptive to the idea. Or would Stacy prefer a wrinkled old [email protected][email protected] with bad breath and a bad toupee? Does Vince think Stacy really believes his lies, like “It happens to a lot of guys,” or “It’s really cold in here, that’s all.” HHH compares Stacy to Anna Nicole Smith, wating for Vince to buy the farm. And if Vince gets in HHH’s face again, he’ll speed up the process!

Vince escorts Stacy out and starts screaming at HHH, threatening to take him on. Vinc loses the jacket and HHH loses the shirt. Vince bails, and here comes the Heel Squad!

Test, Lance Storm, Christian, D-Von and Hardcore Holly come down and into the ring. HHH lays out Storm, Holly and D-Von, but gets overcome by numbers. The crowd starts calling for Hogan, but Jericho saunters down the ring. Holly gives HHH the Oklahoma Slam, Test gives him the pump handle slam. Jericho’s got a chair as D-Von and Lance hold HHH up. Jericho takes a seat and slaps the Game. HHH lunges at Jericho, but the heels hold him back and Jericho clocks him with the chair. Jericho hammers away with punches as the heels egg him on. HHH is busted open. Jericho locks in the Walls, and Vince gets in the ring to tell HHH that he’s going to hell come Judgment Day: hell… in a cell! Vince walks off, and Jericho’s still got HHH in the Walls.

And there’s your first twenty minutes.

Commercial break. The James Woods bunny and the Jim Belushi hamster thing want you to rent at Blockbuster. So does my friend Jen, if you’re renting in Brooklyn… Go see the WWE Live.

And we’re back.

Moments ago… Triple H got the crap kicked out of him and Vince announced HHH/Jericho, Hell in a Cell for Judgment Day.

WWE Cruiserweight Champion Tajiri (w/Torrie Wilson) vs. The Hurricane: Cole talks about Tajiri pulling Torrie in the way of Kidman’s pescado last week. Cole talks about the World Wildlife Fund. Very smarmily, I might add. Tajiri opens with kicks to Hurricane’s legs. Hurricane gets a leaping clothesline and goes for the ten punches. Hurricane poses on the turnbuckle, Tajiri slips under his legs and kicks him down. Tajri hangs the Hurricane in the tree of woe, then hits the baseball slide to Hurricane’s face. Tajiri kicks some more. Hurricane comes back wit punches, Tajiri goes for a powerbomb but apparently Hurricane’s been training with Kidman. He powers out and gets a swinging DDT and a neckbreaker for two. He goes for the chokeslam, Tajiri rakes the mask to get out and gets the springboard elbow. Tajiri charges the Hurricane, gets tossed. Torrie goes to help but gets shoved away by Tajiri. Hurricane gets a plancha over the top. Tajiri reverses a whip outside and kicks the Hurricane in the back of the head, rolls him back in. He signals for the Stiff Kick, but is distracted by Torrie, stripping on the announce table. She tosses the geisha outfit away to reveal some powder blue undergarments. (Damn… Kidman is a lucky man.) Tajiri’s out to yell at her, and gets counted out.

Winner: The Hurricane by count out. (3:30)

After the bell, Tajri goes back in and gets chokeslammed. Torrie prances up the ramp.

In the back, Vince, Stacy and Jericho talk about how great their plan went off. Jericho says he’ll end his career for good in that cell. Vince wants to put HHH in a match tonight, but with who? “TESTIFY!!” Reverend D-Von enters.Well there you go… Triple H has to fight D-Von or lose his job.

Commercial Break. RVD intimidatess some poor Rock fan in 7-11.

And we’re back.

Backstage, Al Snow congratulates Hurricane on his match and talks about Spider-Man (that movie was so good), and how Spider-Man’s a real superhero. Hurricane blathers on about how he could take Spidey. Snow suggests he seek professional help. As Snow leaves, Hurricane offers him a Hurricane T-shirt to replace his Spider-Man shirt. Snow thanks him and notices a note on Hurricane’s locker. Snow takes it down and read it. “Congratulations, now you’re a star, Unfortunately for you, I know who you are.” Hurricane thinks it might have been Peter Parker, or… Hurricane looks pensive and “flies” off. Snow watches him go, then shakes his head. “I thought it was bad when I talked to a head. Things just keep getting weirder and weirder” says Snow. Funny little segment, especially the end.

Test v. “World’s Strongest Man” Mark Henry: Recap of the Test/Henry “feud.” Lockups to start, Henry shoves Test down twice. Test offers a test of strength, Henry accepts, Test knees him in the gut. Henry in the corner, Test knees and stomps away and splashes Herny thrice agaisnt the buckle. He covers for two and gets tossed. Henry ducks a clotehsline and gets one of his own, then a shoulder block. Whip to the corner, Test gets a back elbow abnd goes up top. Henry catches Test and slams him down for two. Henry goes for a splash, Test rolls. Henry ducks the big boot and military presses Test. Henry splashes Test for two, Test gets the ropes. Henry goes for a superplex (?!), but Test shoves him down and hits the flying elbow for two. (Never seen him do that; it really is rather impressive.) Henry ducks the big boot and gets a full nelson. Test low blows out and hits the Big Boot for the pin.

Winner: Test by pinfall. (4:00)

Commercial break.

And we’re back.

Backstage, Kurt Angle’s got his new shirt on, and here’s Christian, talking about how HE kicked HHH’s ass. Kurt points out that it looks like Jericho did most of the work. Christian congratulates Angle on the hair v. hair challenge for Judgment Day. Angle says that for a change, Edge’ll be the ugly brother. But Angle’s not ging to wait till Judgment Day. He’s going to show everyone what Edge’ll look like bald tonight.

Elsewhere, Mark Lloyd talks to Billy, Chuck and Rico about the de-pantsing two weeks ago and the Stink Face to Rico last week. Tonight, Lloyd says… And Billy flips out on him, yelling about how Rico needed 23 facials to get the stink out. Chuck tells him to calm down, because stress does bad things for his complexion. Tonight, Chuck says, it’s gonna be Billy, Chuck and Rico against Snow, Maven and Rikishi. Rico talks about how he’s coming out as only he can. (Uggh.. all right, already. They’re gay. We get it.) Rico says the most stylish thing he owns is his black belt in kempo karate (which is different from regular karate because you say “kempo” first) and that tonight, Rikishi, Al Snow and Maven are the ones who will be embarassed. Oh good, another impossible to follow six man tag. I love this job.

Elsewhere, D-Von talks to a large, tattooed individual with his back to the camera about how they’re gonna kick HHH’s ass. Up next: HHH vs. Reverend D-Von.

Commercial Break. The Subway highlight of the night is the Heel Squad’s beatdown of the Game.

And we’re back.

Reverend D-Von (w/Deacon Batista) vs. Triple H: D-Von walks down with the enormous tattooed individual from before carrying the collection box. D-Von’s got a sermon in his hand. He talks about his new follower, the guy with the collection box, who’s here to protect the D-Von Building Fund. He introduces him as “Deacon Batista” (aka OVW’s Leviathan) and tells him to keep one eye on the box, and one on the ring.

HHH’s music hits somewhere in the middle for some reason. The Game comes down and unloads with knockdown punches, a back body drop and a spinebuster for two. D-Von in the corner, HHH hammers away. D-Von turns a whip attempt into a wristlock and flapjacks HHH on the turnbuckle for two. D-Von gets some mounted punches. HHH comes back and rakes HHH’s already busted open forehead. HHH is outside, and the Deacon puts him into the steps and clotheslines him down, rolls him back in. D-Von’s done arguing with the ref and gets two. D-Von gets an elbow drop and goes to the second turnbuckle for a flying clothesline for two. D-Von chokes HHH on the bottom rope, gets a snapmare and a knee drop. D-Von goes for the flying headbutt. HHH rolls but can’t cover. Neckbreaker to D-Von. The Game still can’t cover and rolls out the ring to get a chair. Deacon Batista hammers away, makes the Sign of the Cross and and goes for another, but HHH moves. The Game goes back, goes for the Pedigree, and here’s Jericho to nail HHH with D’Von’s collection box. D-Von rolls over for the win.

Winner: Reverend D-Von by pinfall (3:50)

Commercial Break.

And we’re back.

Kurt Angle Interview: “Medal” hits, and so do the “You suck” chants. Cole and Tazz make fun of each other’s hair, Cole wins. (Boo.) Angle reminds the crowd of the Judgment Day match and stipulation. What that means, for those of you who are confused, is that the loser gets his head shaved bald. (Ohhh…) Now Edge might be a wisenheimer, but two can play that game. Angle calls up a shot of Edge as he looks now, with his long hair. Now, Angle calls for the graphic of what Edge’ll look after Judgment Day. Angle calls for another “Before” shot of Edge, then calls for the “After” shot, which is actually Angle bald. Angle doesn’t get it and talks about how much of a dork that guy is. Angle catches on and demands that Edge put back what he had up on the Titan Tron. The bald Angle is replaced by the white on black “You Suck” logo. Angle has a conniption and calls out Edge.

“You think you…” Oh, wait. It’s “Voodoo Child.” Ah. WWE Undisputed Champion Hollywood Hulk Hogan makes his way down the ramp. (I think I’m going to like this.) Hogan poses and rips the shirt, then asks Angle if he’s got a problem with bald people. (Ha ha ha!! That’s great…) Hogan says that bald people have been some of the greatest champions ever. Superstar Billy Graham. Stone Cold Steve Austin. Oh yeah, and one other guy… Hogan takes off the bandana and says that Angle’s gonna look like that soon, because if Edge doesn’t get him at Judgment Day… Hogan gets on his toes and looks at the back of Angle’s head…. then Mother Nature will soon enough. (Ha!)

Angle says he hopes Undertaker beats him at Judgment Day, and if he doesn’t, Angle will. Because Angle’s the only “Real American” in the WWE, and while Hogan was taking his vitamins and saying his prayers, Angle was training to become the greatest success story in the history of athletics, so Hogan can kiss his “you know what.”

Hogan nails Angle with some punches and big boots him out of the ring. “Voodoo Child” hits as Angle heads up the ramp. Edge comes from the back to spear Angle on the top of the ramp. Edge and Hogan salute each other as we fade.

Commercial Break. RVD picks on the Rock fan at 7-11 again.

And we’re back.

Backstage, Jericho talks to Vince about how great his night has been. And here’s Angle to demand a match with Hogan. No, Edge. No, Hogan. No… no… Edge. Angle’s all confused. Vince tells him to calm down, and gives him Hogan and Edge. Angle looks worried about a handicap match. Vince tells him it won’t be a handicap match. Tonight’s main event will be Edge and Hogan vs. Angle and Jericho.

WWE Tag Team Champions Billy & Chuck and Rico vs. Al Snow & Maven and Rikishi: Rico’s still in his suit. Snow and Maven come down to Maven’s depressing music. Snow and Chuck to start. Snow’s going for the tights already. They trade punches and Snow gets a side headlock and shoulder block. Snow off the ropes, Chuck goes for a belly to belly, but Snow gets the trapping headbutts. Snow with a crossbody for two, tag to Rikishi, who takes Chuck down with a clothesline and knocks the other two heels off the apron. Chuck gets an eye poke to Rikishi and tags Rico, who’s lost his jacket and shirt. Rikishi no-sells some punches and Rico goes for a sunset flip. Rikishi slaps his ass and Billy makes the save. Rikishi clothelines him down and tags Maven. Rico kicks Maven in the head form the apron, and Billy tags Chuck. Chuck gets Maven into the corner for shouldert thrusts and punches.Chuck gets the spinning belly to belly for two, tag to Rico. Maven in the corner and Rico unloads with high kicks to the chest, then to the head. Rico tags Chuck, who gets Maven on his shoulders and charges the far turnbuckle. Maven floats out and Cuck puts himself into the turnbuckle. Maven DDTs Chuck but can’t cover. Both are down. Chuck tags Billy, Maven tags Al. Al gets a back elbow and punches in the corner, then cleans the heels off the apron. Snow gts a spinebuster for two, broken up by Chuck. Chuck superkicks Al out, and here’s Rikishi for a superkick of his own. Rico goes after Rikishi, who no sells some punches. Maven pounds on Rico and Rikishi goes for the StinkFace. Billy tosses Rikishi, and Snow’s back. Rico heel kicks him down and bails. Billy’s back with the FameAsser for the win.

Winners: Billy, Chuck and Rico by pinfall. (6:22)

Commercial Break. The Undertaker narrates a Judgment Day commercial.

And we’re back

Mark Lloyd interviews Randy Orton and we see tape of his win over Hardcore Holly two weeks back, and the DQ/Alabama Slam on the steel last week. Lloyd admires Orton for even showing up tonight. Rnady talks about his dad giving him some advice, and here comes Lance Storm. (WOO! Lance Storm!) Storm gives Orton lip about getting his career handed to him, while Storm has worked hard all his life, but he’s been reduced to placing bets on Mark Henry’s ability to roll up a frying pan. (Shooting are we, Lance?) But tonight, Storm will prove that he is better than Orton. They stare each other down.

Cole and Tazz talk about Hogan wrecking the Undertaker’s bike on RAW. Don’t show video, don’t show video, don’t show… DAMN IT!!!!

Video highlights of one of the worst RAW segments in recent memory. Hogan destroys the Undertaker’s motorcycle with a truck. (Sure, he hits a bike with a truck, he’s a hero; he hits the Rock, he’s bad. Come on now, talk about your double standards.)

Commercial Break. The “Get the F Out” topiary commercial is shown again.

The WWE Burn of the Night is brought to you by Stacker 2: Torrie stripping earlier tonight. Thank God I tape this show every week.

And we’re back.

Randy Orton vs. Lance Storm: Orton out first, then Storm, then Special Referee Hardcore Holly! (Man, the ‘faces are getting ripped tonight.) Storm punches away. Orton ducks a clothesline and gets a flying forearm. Orton punches Storm in the corner, Hpolly calls him of Storm hits Orton from behind and whips him. Orton reverses but Storm comes back with a huge wheel kick. He gets Orton in a chickenwing and screams at him. Orton gets out and gets a dropkick for two, slow count. Orton gets a powerslam for two, Holly won’t count. Storm gets Orton on his shoulder and does some rolling fireman’s carry thing. Fast count, Orton kicks out at two. Storm goed for a superplex, Orton powers out. Storm staggers up and Orton gets the top rope crossbody. Slow count, Storm kicks out at two. Orton goes for an enzuigiri and Storm gets the half-crab. Orton can’t make the ropes and taps.

Winner: Lance Storm by submission (3:15)

After the bell, the heels beat down Orton, but here’s the Big Valbowksi (stupid damn name) for the save. Val cleans house and helps Orton up as Holly and Storm make their way up the ramp.

In Hogan’s locker room, Edge is looking for the Hulkster, but finds only entrance attire. Edge marks out, puts on the bandana and boa and starts doing a fair Hogan impression in the mirror. He poses and turns around to see Hogan standing there. Hogan shows him how it’s done, saying that they’re going to go out there and show Jericho and Angle what it means to “totally reek of awesomeness, brother!” Hogan leaves, and Edge just stands there in awe.

Commercial Break.

And we’re back.

Kurt Angle and Chris Jericho vs. Edge and Hollywood Hulk Hogan: The entrances alone take longer than the last match. Hogan and Angle to start. Staredown. Hogan no-sells some punches and unloads with some rights of his own. Clothesline, elbow drop for two, broken up by Jericho. Hogan rolls and Jericho elbow drops Angle. Scoop slam to Angle, elbow drops and Hogan throws the bandana in his face, then steps on it. (Angle’s face, not the bandana.) Tag to Edge and they double team Angle. Edge reverses a whip and gets a wheel kick. Chops on the ropes by Edge, Angle reverses a whip and gets a belly to belly, tag to Jericho. Jericho chops away in the corner. Cross corner whip, Edge gets the boot up and gets a faceplant. Angle’s in and Jericho tosses him, goes for the corner ten punches on Jericho. Angle guillotines him on the top rope, Jericho covers for two. Jericho stomps away and mocks Hogans’poses. While the ref is distraced, Jericho takes some tape off his wrist and chokes Edge. Tag to Angle, double team stomps in the heel corner. Angle gets a suplex for two. Rear chinlock by Angle. Eedge powers out with elbows to the gut and sends Angle off the ropes. They both go for a cross body and collide in mid air. Both men down. Angle tags Jericho, Edge gets an enzuigiri and tags Hogan. Both heels are in and Hogan gets the Meeting of the Minds and a double clothesline. Hogan boots Angle out and Hulks up on Jericho. Big boot, legrop, cover. One! Two! Angle pulls the ref out. Edge in back, hits Angle with the Edgecution. Jericho low blows Hogan and locks in the Walls. Edge and Angle are both down, Hogan’s trying to fight out, and here’s Triple H with a sledgehammer! Sledge to Jericho, then Edge then Angle, then Hogan, then the ref.

No decision at 7:00

HHH is having a fit in the ring, and here’s Vince, challenging HHH to hit him with the sledge. McMahon goads the Game from the apron, telling him that if her hits him it’ll be tha last thing he does. HHH charges, and here’s Jericho with a chair to knock HHH to the mat. Show fades with Jericho celebrating over the fallen HHH.

Weak matches for the most part, but some pretty good segments this week; Hurricane/Snow, Hogan/Angle, Hogan/Edge…

Thanks for reading. See you next week.


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Brendan Johnston

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