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411’s WWE Smackdown Report 05.16.02

May 16, 2002 | Posted by Brendan Johnston

WWE SmackDown! for May 16, 2002 from Montreal, Quebec.
Report by Brendan Johnston exclusively for www.411wrestling.com

Well, Mr. Keith is on vacation this week, so I’m it, ya yardbirds.

Thanks to alert reader David Burt, who pointed out that I’ve been spelling the title of Hogan’s theme music incorrectly. Apparently it’s “Voodoo Chile,” not “Child.” For his contribution, Mr. Burt will receive this handsome “Thanks” paragraph.

And thanks to Dave Barry, who used that “alert reader joke” long before I did and does it much better.

Now, on with the report…

Show opens with video of the Heel Squad beatdown of HHH last week, and Vince announcing HHH/Jericho Hell in a Cell at Judgment Day. Then video of Jericho interfering in HHH’s match against Reverend D-Von, costing him the match. Finally, the Game takes out Jericho, Angle, Edge, Hogan and the ref with the sledgehammer, thern Jericho floors him with a chair.

The montage rolls, the pyro hits and Michael Cole welcomes to WWE Smackdown from Montreal. We are three days from Judgment Day, folks. They announce a swimsuit competition between the newly de-Tajiri-fied (or is it un-Tajiri-fied?) Torrie Wilson and Stacy Keibler.

“TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!!!” Tripl H makes his way to the ring in civvies. (Isn’t it vain to have your own face on your T-shirt? Because I’ve got this “Time to Play the Brendan” T-shirt that isn’t really… nevermind). The game does the water trick and poses on the turnbuckle as Cole and Tazz talk about how gosh-darned dangerous Hell in a Cell is, and Cole mentions Shawn Michaels and Mick Foley. And that HHH retired Foley in a Hell in a Cell match.

Triple H has a mic. And it looks like he’s growing his beard back. Good for him. The Canadians really seem to dig the Game. HHH says Vince McMahon just doesn’t get it. Vince thinks that he can knock HHH down, send six guys to the ring, book him in the most brutal match ever devised, and that HHH will just go away, curl his tail between his legs and scurry off. But the reality is that Triple H is right there, and that’s the way it is today, the way it will be tomorrow and forever. Vince can knock HHH down all he wants, but he’ll keep getting up, ever closer to Vince. And eventually, says the Game, he’ll get close enough to Vince to chew him up and spit him out. A chant of “Triple H” starts. This Sunday, HHH says, he will take Chris Jericho straight to hell. And since Jericho’s never been there before, HHH would like to give him a taste, and invites Jericho to the ring, which will be considered Purgatory.

“Break the walls…” Oh. Wait…

“YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME…” And here’s Edge. Hm. Odd… Do you think he could be upset about the SLEDGEHAMMER TO THE GUT?! Yeah… Triple H is a face… sure…

Edge has a mic, and compliments HHH on his speech, but that he failed to mention the whole messy sledgehammer thing. Edge says he didn’t exactly enjoy getting hit with the sledgehammer. HHH is supposed to be a good guy, says Edge, and so is he, and good guys usually don’t have problems with each other, but right now Edge doesn’t give a crap. But come Sunday, HHH might take Jericho to Hell, and Edge will definitely shave Angle bald, but Edge has a strange feeling. He’s had it since last week. Edge feels like he wants to play the Game.

HHH wants to explain something to Edge. He is a lot of things. He’s everything he says he is. But the one thing he is not is a “good guy.” (See? Told you.) So if Edge feels like playing the Game, says HHH, he’s standing right there. Edge hits him and they go at it, but here’s Angle and Jericho! The heels take on their respective rivals. Angle German suplexes and spears Edge, then he and Jericho put HHH into the steps. Jericho holds Edge and Angle cuts off a piece of Edge’s hair, then they bail as Triple H charges the ring with a chair. Angle and Jericho retreat as “Medal” hits and the “You suck” chants start.

Commercial Break… Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones comes out today, and most of my friends are there right now. Bastards. Except Cari, who thinks Star Wars sucks… the Undertaker narrates a Judgment Day commercial. Only three days till Hogan/Undertaker, the most anticipated match of the nineties.

And we’re back.

Moments Ago, Edge and Jericho attack HHH and Edge.

In the back, Dirty Old Vince is checking out Stacy’s bikini for the contest. He’s about to rub his face in her… anyway… Angle and Jericho come in with Edge’s hair, bragging about how they jumped HHH and Edge, and how they’re masters of manipulation and a bunch of stuff. Jericho and Angle are very pleased with themselves. Jericho and Angle leave, Angle stopping to say goodbye to Stacy like a good little boy scout first. I love those two together. Jericho and Angle, I mean. Not Vince and Stacy. That just makes me sad.

Lance Storm & Hardcore Holly vs. the Big Valbowski and Randy Orton: The Big Valbow… is that like a reference to “The Big Lebowski” or something? Because if so, they pronounce it wrong. Stupid damn name.

Orton doesn’t wait for Val before attacking Storm. Storm misses a dropkick but Holly takes Orton down from the apron. Storm tags Holly in for chops in the corner. Orton gets Holly in the corner and pounds away. Holly sends Orton off the ropes and hits him with the Best Dropkick in the Business, plays to the crowd. Orton’s up, dodges a whip and hits a dropkick of his own. Tag to Val and Storm, Val’s in and takes Storm down with clotheslines and a back body drop. He gets a sit down powerbomb on Holly and a huge spinebuster on Storm, then tags Orton. Val and Holly go outside. Orton’s in with the top rope cross body for for two, broken up by Holly Val drags him back out. Orton does some kind of leg-scissor/faceplant thing for two. (Cole and Tazz don’t know what it’s called, and neither do I.) Lance Storm get a superkick, falls onto Orton for a rather cocky pin attempt that only gets two before Orton reverses the pin for a cradle and grabs the tights for the win.

Winners: Randy Orton and the Big Valbowksi by pinfall. (2:14)

As the faces make their way up the ramp, Orton holds his mouth. Guess Lance screwed up the superkick. He will now be fired. (Apologies to Grutman.)

Last Monday on Raw… Undertaker drags Hogan around the arena on Hogan’s own motorcycle. Which actually STARTS this time… stupid Raw…

Hogan limping in earlier tonight.

Commercial break.

The WWE Slam of the Week is brought to you by Subway: Torrie stripping last week… that’s right… LAST week… so it’s apparently the WWE Slam of Last Week.

And we’re back.

Torrie is walking and here’s Maven to wish her luck and… ask her out? Torrie accepts. (Oh, come on! Hasn’t this guy had enough luck in the last year or so?!)Here’s Reverend D-Von and Deacon Batista to chide Maven for sinful, lustful thoughts. Maven barks back but Batista shuts him up. D-Von continues to testify, but here’s Snow, and D-Von says he was just wishing Maven luck in their match tonight.

It’s Funaki! And here’s “Ace Reporter” Gregory Helms to interview Funaki about the “Evil” notes from the “Evil” doer and asks about Funaki’s “Evil” T-shirt. Funaki waves him off and turns around, and there’s another note taped to Funaki’s shirt. “Helms” reads it. Apparently the Hurricane has a title shot tonight, but the Hurricane is in trouble anyway. Helms looks like he’s going to fly away, then nonchalantly strolls off. Man. That Helms guy looks a lot like the Hurricane… do you think that maybe…. NAAAH…

Mark Lloyd interviews Chris Jericho. Jericho talks about how HHH has the better reputation in a cell, and that everyone expects Jericho to be the loud-mouthed, trash-talking, gum-chewing rock star who gets his come-uppance. But that’s not how it’s going to go, says Y2J. When HHH tore his quad, says Jericho, was it marketed as “Chris Jericho takes out HHH for eight months with the Walls of Jericho?” No. When everyone talks about the bloodying of HHH last week, do they talk about the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah? No. But come Sunday, says Jericho, when HHH is locked inside of a cage with him, they will be talking about Jericho.

Commercial break… The Sum of All Fears looks like it might not suck. Good.

And we’re back.

Reverend D-Von (w. Deacon Batista) vs. Maven (w. Al Snow): D-Von has a sermon in hand. He tells the crowd he’s sending Deacon Batista into the crowd to collect money, but Maven’s depressing music hits.

D-Von gets Maven in the corner and pounds on him. Snapmare and elbow drop on Maven, then stomps in the center of the ring. D-Von chokes Maven on the ropes and scoop slams him down but Maven rolls out of the way of a second-rope legrop. Snow cheers Maven on. Maven small packages D-Von for two, then school boys him for two, then DDTs him and covers for another two count. Mave suplexes D-von, and Deacon Batista distracts the ref. Maven goes for another German suplex and gets low blowed. D-Von hits a reverse DDT drop for the pin.

Winner: Reverend D-Von by pinfall (1:48)

After the match, D-Von stomps away on Maven, Snow comes in to save, but Deacon Batista nails him with the collection box.

Basktage, Stacy primps in a mirror and is surprised by the midget from the Pansonic commercials, who tells her that he’s going to record the whole victory celebration. Stacy looks like she’s cool with it, apparently ignoring the fact that a FREAKIN’ MIDGET just jumped out of a closet.

Commerical break… another Panasonic midget commercial airs. That guy’s just creepy… RVD steals the Slurpee dope’s girlfriend again. Stupid RVD. And the guy even gets him a Slurpee. What a nice guy. Last time a pro wrestler stole my girlfriend I did the same thing. Damn that Taka Michinoku. (Look, the matches suck. Bad jokes are all I’ve got at this point.)

And we’re back.

Tazz is in the ring, fulfilling his role as Smackdown’s Lawler. He announces the swimsuit competition.

Stacy Keibler vs. Torrie Wilson- Bikini Competition: See, Stacy’s in a black robe and Torrie’s in a nice girly pink robe… because Stacy’s bad, you see… anyway… Tazz explains that the audience picks the winner based on cheers. Tazz will hold their hands over their heads to signal for the cheers. (Heh. Torrie and Stacy are both taller than Tazz.)

Torrie starts to take her robe off, but here’s Tajiri to cover her up and drag her off. (Damn it… I thought this whole thing was over.) Stacy declares herself the winner, and Tazz encourages her to drop the robe anyway. Stacy says sure, then says , “You wish,” frustrating both Tazz and the audience.

Trish’s music hits and the new WWE Women’s Champion makes her way to the ring. As the champ, she’s available to both shows, which Cole points out twelve times in the span of a minute. Trish has a mic and tells Stacy that these people came to see a competition, so Trish drops her robe. She forgot her bikini, but I guess her underwerar will have to do. Stacy charges with her shoe, but Trish ducks and tosses her. Stacy throws a Christian-esque tantrum on the outside. Tazz declares Trish the winner, and the Women’s Champ celebrates in her red underwear. Because they’re bringing legitimacy to the division, you see… not that I’m complaining.

Winner: Trish Stratus by… count-out? Tazz decision? Whatever (3:23)

And there, folks, is Tazz’s entire ring time for the month of May. Too bad the guy can’t wrestle. He should stick to commentary on swimsuit competitions.

Commercial Break

And we’re back.

Backstage, Vince is complimenting Revernd D-Von on his new protйgй. Stacy comes in to complain about Trish, and asks for a match. Vince makes the match for Judgment Day, assuming that he can utilize the Reverend D-Von Protection Fund. D-Von is appalled that Vince wants a reverend to buy condoms. Vince explains that where Trish goes, so goes Buh-Buh Ray Dudley, and Vince wants the Reverend and the Deacon to keep an eye on Trish. D-Von and the Deacon agree to be in Stacy’s corner on Sunday.

Rico (w. WWE Tag Team Champions Billy & Chuck) vs. Rikishi: Punch exchange and Rikishi choke tosses Rico, then gets a body press/neckbreaker for two, broken up by Chuck. Rico bails. Rikishi follows and Billy clotheslines him right out of his tights. Back in, Rico kicks away at Rikishi’s chest and head in the corner. Rikishi comes back with a belly to belly slam, then puts Rico in the corner and goes to back that ass up, but Rico pulls the ref in the way. The tag champs are in, but Rikishi cleans them out. Rico hits the heel kick for two, then goes off the ropes for a sunset flip. Riksihi sits on his chest for the win.

Winner: Rikishi by pinfall (3:19)

Atop the ramp, Rikishi put his hat on and dances to celebrate, flanked by some pyro.

Commercial Break… A pretty cool Judgment Day/Hell in a Cell ad is shown…

And we’re back.

Dirty Old Vince is still trying to seduce poor Stacy when Billy, Chuck and Rico come in. Vince is enraged that they lost to Rikishi, and makes a match for Judgment Day: Billy & Chuck against Rikishi and a partner of Vince’s choosing. Ahh, last minute booking. Gots to, GOTS to love the new WWE.

Mark Lloyd interviews Triple H about Sunday. HHH says that there’s not going to be any Kurt Angle, no six other guys. Jericho will be alone in that cage, with his fears, his insecurities and with HHH. If Jericho has any questions, he should call Mick Foley on one of his book tours. Why is Foley writing books? Because HHH ended his career in wrestling in Hell in a Cell, just like he’s going to do to Jericho.

Here’s Edge, to tell HHH that they aren’t done. HHH tells Edge to go win a few World Titels before he decides to take on the Game. (Ouch.) Edge says that he might take the Triple H game plan: marry the boss’s daughter and sleep your way to the World Championship. (Game, set, match: Edge.) HHH says he doesn’t care how Edge gets to the World Title, as long as he starts tomorrow, because tonight they have a tag match to worry about.

Commercial Break.

And we’re back.

WWE Cruiserweight Champion Tajiri vs. Billy Kidman vs. the Hurricane: Kidman poses and gets attacked by Tajiri before the Hurricane’s music even hits. They pound away on each other and Hurricane charges the ring to break the two up., Tajiri attacks and Kidman and Hurrucane double team him. Double armdrag by the faces gets two for Kidman. Hurricane pulls him off and gets two of his own until Kidman breaks it up. Tajiri’s down and Kidman turns on the Hurricane, whipping him intto the corner. Hurrican comes back to go for the chokelsam but gets kicked by Tajiri. Kidman gets two on Tajiri. Hurricane gets a neck breaker on Kidman, goes up top. Tajiri goes for a superplex, Hurricane shoves him off and Tajiri lands on his feet. Kidman gets a bulldog on Tajiri, knocking Hurricane off the turnbuckle. Kidman gets the Shooting Star Press on Tajiri for two. Hurricane pulls him out and puts him into the barrier. Hurricane back in and gets two, but Tajiri puts his foot on the rope. Tajiri goes for the springboard elbow, knocking Kidman off the apron. Tajiri kicks the Hurricane in the gut and signals for the Stiff Kick. Hurricane ducks, gets up and hits the Hurri-chokeslam for the win and the title.

Winner, and NEW WWE Cruiserweight Champion: The Hurricane by pinfall. (2:00)

Tazz and Cole talk about Judgment Day. Undertaker/Hogan for the Undisputed Title; Austin/Big Show and Flair; HHH/Jericho, Hell in a Cell; Angle/Edge, hair-for-hair; Gurrero/RVD for the IC title; Hardys/Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman; WWE Women’s Champ Trish Stratus with Buh-Buh Ray Dudley vs. Stacy Keibler with Reverend D-Von.

Commercial break.

And we’re back.

Hulk Hogan interview: “Voodoo Chile” hits and WWE Undisputed Champion Hollywood Hulk Hogan makes his way to the ring in civvies, with the belt. He’s really selling the “injuries” from the Undertaker by limping down the ramp. Cole and Tazz talk about he match on Sunday while Hogan poses and the Canadian crowd cheers forever. Hogan loses his jacket and sunglasses, but doesn’t rip the shirt. The music stops, the cheers continue. (This, nay-sayers, is why Hogan has the title. Because very few other people pull seven minute pops every time they walk out. That said, I’m still pulling for the Undertaker on Sunday.) Hogan looks genuinely moved, and is actually crying. Tazz and Cole just get the hint and stop talking. Hogan finally gets on the mic and tells the crowd that they are overwhelming. He says he had one goal upon his return, and only came out after WrestleMania just to say thanks, but because of all the Hulkamaniacs, he can’t go home now. And he’s coming out on the eve of Judgment Day to say thanks again. The “Hogan! Hogan!” chants start. With Judgment Day just a few days away, Hogan came out to say thanks for making his dreams come true, and he hopes the dream never ends, that he never wakes up to reality, because every night he turns on the news, and reality sucks. But when he’s in the ring with the Hulkamaniacs, he’s in his own dream world, and he hopes it never ends. He was going to come out and say that he hoped, but know he knows that Hulkamania will live forever. That said, Hogan asks the Undertaker what he’s gonna do when he and all his Hulkamaniacs…

“NO CHANCE! THAT’S WHAT YOU GOT!” Vince comes down to the ring, and even Tazz, the “heel” commentator, seems pissed. Vince doesn’t think reality sucks. In his opinion, reality doesn’t suck. In his opinion, Hulkamania sucks. Vince enjoyed it when the Undertaker dragged him behind his bike all around the arena like Hogan was just a bag of roadkill. At one time, Vince agrees, Hogan was an icon. At one time, he may have been the “Immortal” Hulk Hogan. But no more. Now all Vince sees is an empty shell of what Hulk Hogan used to be. Vince can smell the stench off Hogan, because Hulkamania is diseased. It’s got a terminal illness. It’s got cancer. That’s why, on Sunday, the Undertaker is going to scoop up the remnants of Hulkamania, put them in a carboard box and bury them. The “Goodbye” chants start, but Vince turns it around on Hogan. (Ha ha… stupid fans…) Vince reminds Hogan that he, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, created Hulkamania, and he can destroy it. Vince says that he realizes now that the red and yellow stands for blood and cowardice. (Okay, he didn’t say that, but my way is more poetic.) The red for the blood that will flow from Hogan’s body on Sunday, and the yellow for the yellow streak running down Hogan’s back.

Hogan pulls a Marty McFly at being called yellow and slugs Vince down. He tears the shirt, throws it down onto Vince and hits the legdrop. “Voodoo Chile” hits and Hogan poses over McMahon.

Commercial Break… Al Snow beats some sense into the Tough Enough 2 kids…

And we’re back.

Kurt Angle and Chris Jericho vs. Edge and Triple H: Angle’s out first, with Edge’s hair. Edge attacks before Triple H is out. The heels stomp away until HHH’s music hits and he charges the ring. He tosses Angle and it’s Edge/Jericho to start. Edge stomps and chokes Jericho in the corner and HHH beats on Angle outside. Edge chops Jericho on the ropes and sends him off the far ropes. Jericho ducsk a clothelsine but gets faceplanted and takes a flying forearm. Edge looks at HHH, then tags. (Ahh, the mutual respect stare…) HHH pounds on Jericho in the corner, the ref calls him off. Jericho rakes HHH’s eyes and tags Angle. HHH gets the high knee and tags Edge. Angle hammers away on Edge. Edge reverse a whip and gets a wheel kick. Edge goes up top and gets distracted by Jericho, allowing Angle to get the running top rope belly-to-belly for two, broken up by the Game. Jericho’s in without a tag and chops Edge in the corner. Snapmare and dropkick to the back by Jericho. Y2J taunts HHH and tags Angle. Angle reverses a whip and gets a belly to belly, then spins and says “Woo!” Tag to Jericho and Edge gets booted down. Jericho gets aback elbow, but Edge rolls away form the Lionsault. HHH wants in,but Edge is down. Angle tagged in first. Angle drags Edge aup, knocks him down again and tags Jericho, who hits three vertical suplexes for two. Edge down in the corner and Jericho just stands on his face for a while, then picks him up for some chops. Jericho puts him up on the turnbuckle and punches way, goes for a superplex. Edge powers out and gets a second rope missile dropkick, both ment down.Edge crawls to HHH, but Jericho tags Angle first. Edge tags just in time. HHH punches Angle down and hits a neckbreaker on Jericho. Spinebuster on Angle for two, then a facebuster on Jericho. HHH goes for the Pedigree, broken up by Angle, and the heels doubtle team him. Double clothesline by Triple H turns the tide, and Edge is in with a flying double clothesline. Edge tosses Jericho and floats out of the Angle Slam. Jericho’s got a chair, Edge tosses him but gets Angle Slammed. Triple H in to Pedigree Angle for two, broken up by Jericho. Y2J and HHH go outside. Jericho posts the Game and hammers away. HHH spears Jericho and the ref into the barricade, and Triple H and Jericho fight into the audience. Jericho just kinda walks away, Triple H follows, still in the crowd. Back in the ring, Edge gets a belly to belly suplex of his own on Angle, then spears Angle right in the steel chair. The ref’s back in and Angle gets the Angle Slam for the win.

b>Winners: Kurt Angle and Chirs Jericho by pinfall (9:06)

We fade on Angle celebrating over Edge with his hair.

The dopes at UPN start the broadcast over again, it seems. Ha.

Few to no good matches tonight, except for the cruiserweight match and the main event, depending on your tastes. Discounting the swimsuit debacle, there were about twenty minutes of actual wrestling on this two-hour wrestling show.

Decent segments, though. I’m enjoying the Hurricane’s “mysterious letters” storyline for what it is.

Thanks for reading. See you next week. Enjoy Judgment Day.

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Brendan Johnston
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