411’s WWE Smackdown Report 09.26.02

WWE Smackdown for September 26, 2002, from San Diego, California
Report by Brendan Johnston exclusively for www.411wrestling.com

WWE is considering doing 19 Pay-Per-Views a year. Didn’t Vince try that once in the early ‘90s? Didn’t it not work? Has Vince learned NOTHING from his hubris? Has he learned nothing from the World Bodybuilding Federation? From the XFL? From re-hiring Scott Hall?!

Ah, who am I kidding, Lord knows I’m going to be dropping half my paychecks on the damn things from my Rasslin’ Watchin’ Couch in Tom’s basement.

Speaking of Tom , he’s got yet another album review up over at 411 Music. Prolific motherf***er, ain’t he? I’ll get my next one done as soon as I feel like I’ve successfully fallen out of love with Norah Jones enough to objectively review her album.

Anyway, Unforgiven… Bubba Ray Dudley almost killed Lance Storm. Remarkably enough I’m not calling for his head on a stick. Bubba is the latest in a line of Raw talent to have a push potentially sidelined by an injury; Kane, Nowinski, Nash, now Bubba. Oh, and Bradshaw.

Wait, scratch that Bradshaw part. I did say “talent,” so…

Actually, scratch Nash too. Be careful of his leg when you do it though.

Ahh, I kid because they can all beat the shit of me with one hand tied behind their backs. Which Bubba would actually have to do… anyway…

During the eight-man tag I commented that A) Goldust was involved with the babyface team at Canadian Stampede, last time they did something like this and B) the face team consisted of Bubba Ray Dudley, Kane, Booker T and Goldust. Bubba and Kane, whatever. But Booker and Goldust? A black man and a probable homosexual? You’re telling me these two don’t have more of a beef with the US than all four of the Storm Foundation combined?

Raw… Man, Bischoff stole two of my pet guys… But seeing the Hurricane tag with Kane may well be the biggest mark out moment I’ve ever had.

Kane planted one on Terri. Nearby, Goldust was restrained by Booker T, who kept saying, “It’s over man, let it go.” Booker then commented “He’s seven feet tall, all the Bionic Elbows in the world ain’t gonna do shit.”

So it looks like RVD’s being shunted to a feud with Flair, which leaves Triple H to feud with… who, exactly? He and Bubba probably aren’t going to be in the ring together for a bit with Bubba’s injury. Logic dictates Booker T, but screw logic. Triple H will feud with himself over the belt, standing in the ring for ten minutes at a clip not selling anything. The belt will change hands dozens of times in the next three weeks, allowing HHH to surpass hero Ric Flair in number of World Championships, despite only losing to himself.

Hey, f*** you, it makes as much sense as him having a belt to begin with.

And now, on with the report….

Footage of Unforgiven’s HLA with Steph and Rikishi. It’s worht wondering how making out with an unattractive lesbian is somehow less attractive a concept toa heterosexual woman than making out with a hot lesbian.

The montage rolls, the pyro hits and Michael Cole wlcomes us to Smackdown for September 26, 2002.

Rikishi vs. Chavo Guerrero: Footage of Chavo nailing Rikishi with the camera last week. Chavo comes down to his own, laid back entrance music.

Chavo bails to start. Rikishi gives chase. Chavo ducks in the ring and kicks away when Rikishi slides in, but can’t whip him and gets tossed over the top, then dragged back in. Cheap shot from the outside and Chavo goes up but gets caught and slugged down. Whip and a clothesline and Rikishi Backs That Ass Up into Chavo’s boot and gets bulldogged. Chavo pounds away.and kick Rikishi right in the drive-by shooting scar. Rikishi reverses with punches. Cross corner whip but Rikishi spears post and takes a dropkick. Rikishi’s down in the corner and he signals for the Mexican StinkFace, even dropping his tights and hiking up the undies. He showboats too long and gets shoved away and Rikishi comes back with the rights and a belly to belly. He Backs That Ass Up and signals for the StinkFace but Chavo slides out into the sit-out Samoan chokeslam. Rikishi goes to the second rope but the Banzai Drop (I’ll call it the Rump Shaker right after I praise a Triple H match) hits knee.Chavo covers for two. Chavo grabs the camera again but Rikishi hits the superkick, sending the camera into Chavo’s face. Banzai Drop hits this time to put Chavo away.

Winner: Rikishi by pinfall (4:34)

Rikishi dances on top of the ramp. That was easily the best Rikishi match I’ve ever seen.

Backstage, Torrie Wilson prepares for a bikini contest. Also later, we’re going to see Edge vs. eddie Guerrero, no disqualification.

Commerical break… Bubba Ray Dudley joins the list of fat WWE wrestlers to endorse weight loss products…

And we’re back.

Tazz is in the ring and introduces the judges for the bikini contest, Billy & Chuck. Remember everybody: Stubble Equals Heterosexual. Tazz introduces Torrie and Nidia.

Torrie Wilson vs. Nidia: Nidia flirts with Billy & Chuck before getting in the ring. Cole makes fun of Nidia’s sneakers. I can’t even knock Cole anymore; Lawler and Ross just suck that much.

The standard porn music hits and Nidia is first to drop her robe. She’s in a plain black bikini and dances so poorly that she makes Steph at Unforgiven look like Michael Jackson. Chuck gives her a six, Billy a nine. (Tee hee…) Torrie drops her robe to reveal a frilly pink bikini. Chuck and Billy both give her tens.

Winner: Torrie Wilson by Billy & Chuck decision (2:00)

Jamie Noble and Tajiri come down to stand up for Nidia and challenge Billy & Chuck to an impromptu match.

WWE Cruiserweight Champion Jamie Noble & Tajiri (w/Nidia) vs. Billy & Chuck (w/Torrie Wilson): Slugfest to start. Chuck charges Tajiri, who pulls the rope down and kicks Billy in the head. Noble runs into a Billy tilt-a-whirl slam but gets dropkicked in the knee while going for the FameAssser. Tag to Tajiri, who starts working the knee with kicks. Billy whips Tajiri, who hits the handspring elbow, ducks a clothesline and hits a kick to the jaw. Tag to Noble and he works the knee some more. Billy comes back and tosses Noble. Billy crawls toward the corner but Tajiri knocks Chuck off the apron. Noble posts the knee on the outside. Noble hooks a reverse figure four (Is that the Trailer Hitch?). Billy’s shoulders go down for two, but he pops up and nails Noble in the mush. Billy tries to mount a comeback with some punches but Noble murders the knee then distracts the ref for Tajiri to come in with the kicks. (Such blatant cheating; I love Noble.) Noble grabs a leg lock. Shoulders down again for two. Billy comes back by just kicking the hell out of Noble’s head, but can’t get aways form those kicks to the knee. Noble off the ropes gets flapjacked, but Billy’s leg gives and both men are down. Tag to Tajiri, tag to Chuck, who’s a herterosexual of fire. Clothesline to Tajiri, spinning belly to belly to Noble, Jungle Kick to Tajiri. Chuck picks him up for a powerbomb and spins him around for the Code Red. Billy sells the knee a bit on the way down as Chuck covers.

Winners: Chuck & Billy by pinfall (6:32)

After the match, Torrie and Nidia catfight for a bit after Nidia throws her gum at Torrie. Billy holds Nidia while Torrie spanks her. That’s nice.

Man, Billy must have heat if he’s jobbing to cruiserweights.

Later tonight we get Matt Hardy “Version One” versus the Undertaker.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Smackdown’s #1 Announcer reluctantly knocks on Brock Lesnar’s locker room door. Lesnar comes out and Funaki says he has a hard hitting question, but he’s scared crapless apparently. Funaki asks if it’s true that Lesnar won’t give Undertaker a rematch. Brock says Funaki’s the only one with enough guts to ask it to his face. Brock says he’ll answer his question, but in the ring. Funaki’s excited about the scoop. I wonder if he’s equally excited about the shitkicking he’s sure to take at Lesnar’s hands later on.

Steph’s in her office freaking out over Raw’s acqusitions. Here’s Kurt Angle to praise her performance on Sunday and ask for a rematch with Benoit, who didn’t win because he cheated and cheaters never win. (Ha!) Steph says she had something different in mind for the main event, and here’s Rey Mysterio. Angle asks about child labor laws that prevent him being there more than five hours. (Ha HA!) Steph makes the main event a triple threat match. Angle asks why? Just because they’re in his hometown? Just because he was born there eight years ago. (HA HA! I love Angle.) Angle says that he’s gonna get the 1-2-3 tonight. Mysterio says not if he hits the 6-1-9. (Oooh… well played, King of Mystery…. well played.)

Funaki makes his way to the ring with the chair Undertaker hit Lesnar with on Sunday.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Funaki’s in the ring, and his pop is just ridiculously huge. Michelle would be proud. He introduces WWE Champion Brock Lesnar. Tazz says that he’s ashamed Heyman’s from New York, and says he’s the only bad thing we have here. Testify, Brother Tazz… testify.

Funaki shows Brock the chair. Brock tosses it aside and Funaki looks all scared. Heyman takes Brock belt and ducks out of the ring. Funaki attacks but gets murderized. Clothesline/legsweep and a pump handle suplex, then Brock carries Funaki around a bit and rams him insome turnbuckles. Overhead belly to belly sends Funaki clear across the ring. Brock mercifully hits the F5 to MASSIVE heat, probably more than I’ve ever heard him get.

Backstage, not-that-hot Dawn Marie congratulates Torrie on her win, but says that maybe one day maybe Torrie’ll decide to have a contest against someone with more to offer, someone like Dawn Marie.

Edge is walking backstage. No DQ against Eddie Guerrero coming up.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Edge: Lockup and Eddie works on Edge in the corner. Whip and he gets a back elbow, then works a headlock and hits a shoulder block on the rebound. Edge leapfrogs and monkey flips him.Edge works the arm in the corner, then in the center of the ring.Eddie powers out and shoulder thrusts in the corner. Edge hangs on the middle rope and Eddie slingshots outwith a necksnap on the second rope and covers with his feet on the ropes for two. Edge hits a back body drop, dorpkick, and scoop slam, then drops an elbow for two, works on the arm. Eddie with some knees to the gut and dropkick to the back of the head. Eddie stomps away and drags him up, then slugs him back down. Suplex gets two. Eddie hits the chinlock and yells something in Spanish which Tazz translates to mean, “I got him in a rear chinlock.” I love Tazz…

Anyway, Edge fights out and hits a powerslam for a double KO. Edge goes to the top but Eddie comes back with a top rope superplex that gets two. Eddie slugs away but gets whipped and hotshotted, then dumped. Edge goes under the ring and pulls out a ladder. (Well I’ll be…) Cole calls Edge a master of the ladder. Edge charges Eddie, who ducks, and the ref takes the ladder shot. Eddie gets a chair and clobbers Edge, rolls him back in the ring. Chair to the ribs and Eddie’s feeling froggy baby! Eddie goes for the splash but Edge rolls. All three- Edge, Eddie and the ref- are down.

COMMERCIAL BREAK! WTF?!??! GOD DAMN YOU, WWE!!! WHY OH WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME SO?! WHY ONLY DURING THE GOOD MATCHES?! WHY DON’T YOU CUT AWAY FROM SHANNON MOORE AND CRASH HOLLY?!… whew… okay… Ultimate Fighting is coming back to the Tri-State Area. Cari will be pleased…

And we’re back.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Edge (continued): Eddie is stomping a Mexican Mudhole into Edge, with new ref Mike Chioda overseeing the festivities. Eddie grabs a sleeper hold which sets up a “During the Break” segment. Apparently Edge hit the spear but Mike Chioda only got there in time to count two.

Back in the ring, Edge hits the faceplant for two. Edge to the second rope but Eddie pops up and hits a Frankensteiner for two. Crowd is chanting for Guerrero a bit actually. Eddie goes back to the arm. Top rope headscissors countered by an Edge powerbomb for a double KO. Edge goes after the ladder again. Eddie dropkicks the ladder back into Edge’s face, then goes to get his own ladder. (I just notice a squad of comic book fans in the front rows. One guy with a Captian America shirt and one guy with a Green Lantern shirt… anyway…) Eddie knocks Edge onto one ladder and drops the other on top of him, then comes in with the slingshot senton onto the ladder for two. Crowd chants for Eddie. Eddie sets up the ladder, goes up. Edge climbs and they slug it out up top. Eddie gets the upper hand and hits the goddamn sunset flip powerbomb from the top to a HUGE pop in both San Diego and my room. Edge gets his shoulder up. (I would have put twenty bucks on that to be the end.) Guerrero sets the ladder up against the turnbuckle again, props Edge against it and charges, but gets back body dropped into the ladder by Edge. Edge sets up a ladder and crawls to the top. Eddie follows and takes an Edge-O-Cution from the top of the ladder (sweet Lord…) to put a cap to this fantastic match.

Winner: Edge by pinfall (19:49 counting the commercial break)

After the match, both guys’ music played and Eddie got a nice little ovation.

Man, WWE’s paying me back for last week’s suckfest I guess. There have been three good-to-great matches so far tonight. I swear, I even dug the Rikishi opener.

Commercial break… the Pete Rose No Mercy commercial plays… ha ha…

And we’re back.

Chris Benoit warms up backstage, and here’s Mark Lloyd to congratulate him on Sunday and get his thoughts on Angle and Mysterio. Chris Benoit says that Angle doesn’t suck. He’s not the only gold medalist in WWE history for nothing. He’s one of the toughest, most technically sound SOBs he’s ever faced and he can’t wait to face him again. As far as Mysterio, he may have been born in San Diego, but Benoit was born to hurt.

Matt Hardy “Version One” lectures Shannon Moore in front of video of his “victory” over the Undertaker from a few weeks back. He says that he scared the Hurricane off to a completely different show, and that he doesn’t need Brock Lesnar to beat the Undertaker. He walks off and Brock appears around a corner. Uh-oh…

Commercial break

And we’re back. Cole and Tazz intoduce footage of the WrestleMania 19 press conference in Seattle. Jericho, Kane, HHH, Brock, Edge, Booker, Trish, Angle all appeared. Angle got “What?”ed. Undertaker promised to be 11 and O.

Undertaker vs. Matt Hardy: Undertaker has some lyrics to his music now. Funny story that I’ve never related: my friend Cari told me a while back about a friend of her family who’s a funeral director and he’s got a picture of the old-school Undertaker in his office. I find that funny, so sue me…. Hardy comes down and Tazz makes his Tazz Version Three joke. (Apparently his dad and granddad were Tazzes as well.)

Matt wants a handshake. Taker gives it but won’t let go. He whips Matt to the corner and hits some back elbows. Taker charges but Matt gets the boots up and chop blocks him, pounds away on the mat. Non-yodelling legdrop sets up Twist of Fate, Undertaker shoves him off. Chokeslam, Last Ride, cover, goodnight.

Winner: The Undertaker by pinfall (1:45)

That’s right, my pre-match comments were longer than the match. And here’s Lesnar to nail Undertaker with the belt. Taker blades and gets nailed again.

They were doing so well, too…

Commercial break… This is what happens because Stacy bought some pot. But Stacy doesn’t care because she’s high as a kite right now.

And we’re back.

During the break…. the Undertaker staggered around a bit, bleeding like the proverbial stuck pig and refuses medical attention.

Kurt Angle makes his way down the ramp. Angle on the mic, says he doesn’t understand why it’s a triple threat match with Mysterio involved. Mysterio claims to be from San Diego, like that’s something to brag about. (Cheap heat, cheap heat…) Angle says that Mysterio may like the 619, but later tonight he’s gonna need 911. It’s true, it’s damn true. (I cut part of that promo because I’m very tired. He was funny; he’s Angle, of course it was good.)

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit vs. Rey Mysterio: Benoit and Angle stare down. Angle shoves both but gets headscissored by Rey. Benoit goes for a backdrop but gets bulldogged and Rey hits his boots to Angle. Rey covers Benoit for two, gets dumped by Angle. Mat stuff between Benoit and Angle and Rey gets knocked off the apron. Angle for the ankle lock and covers with the ropes for two. Rey comes in with a heel kick to Benoit and drop toehold to Angle. School boy to Benoit for two. Cross corner whip but Rey floats out and Angle spears post. Backdrop suplex by by Benoit to Rey and a back elbow off a whip gets two. Manhattan drop and chop by Benoit. Snap suplex gets two. Front headlock, Mysterio gets out but Benoit simply picks him up and dumps him. Angle comes out of nowhere and stomps away on Benoit in the corner. Short arm clothesline gets two. Benoit chops Angle clear across the ring but gets belly-to belly suplexed. Benoit gets his foot on the rope after two. They slug it out and Benoit posts Angle a few times. German suplex to Angle, then another, Angle counters a third with one of his own. Then another. Benoit counters, Angle counters, Angle Slam. Springboard dropkick from behind by Mysterio sends Angle out and he covers Benoit for two. Benoit whips Rey and Angle drags him out.Angle comes in, Benoit hits a release German and signals for the headbutt, but gets missile dropkicked by Rey. Angle tosses Rey and drags Benoit back in. Chop block to Benoit and Angle grabs the ankle lock but Benoit makes the ropes. They both hang on the second rope, and Rey comes in with a double 619. West Coast Pop countered by Angle but Rey rolls huim up for two. Benoit grabs the Crossface on Angle. Angle tries to roll through but Benoit keeps the hold on. Spingboard legdrop by Rey only gets two on Benoit.Mysterio floats out of the Angle Slam and dropkicks Angle out, then springboard ‘ranas Benoit for the win.

Winner: Rey Mysterio by pinfall (8:45)

Excellent show. Thanks for reading. See you next week.