411’s WWE Smackdown Report 1.8.19

Hey everyone! In some super sad news, Larry is suffering through a hell of an issue, so he cannot be with us today. I’m taking over, much to the chagrin of…well, me. Anything for Larry man. I’m here for you!

Dedicated to the great Csonkanator, who will most undoubtedly be back in like 2 days because he’s fucking nuts.

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We head to backstage as soon as SD starts, and Bryan is in front of a concession stand. He points out to it, saying that the only concessions being made are to our health and well-being. Look at ourselves, at the people next to us. Are we happy? HealthY How do we feel after we eat this? We are filling a void. This is why we cheer AJ Styles. By cheering him, you fill this empty void in our lives. AJ is exactly like this hot dog. Bryan steals a hot dog from a samoan while his friend nearby eats his quickly. Bryan says once they are done eating, they leave empty and move onto something else. Bryan tosses the hot dog at the guy, then comes up to a dude with a coke. He tosses the coke into the fan and screams FICKLE at him.

He heads to the merch stand, and asks for a YES movement t-shirt. Oh, that’s right, there aren’t any, because it’s dead. Why? Because he doesn’t want to fill us up with this toxic garbage. Oh, but look. AJ Styles garbage. Needless consumption. All to make AJ feel like you actually care. Look at this trash. Plastic, useless, harming the earth.

Bryan makes his way to the crowd, stands high up atop the steps, and says that he is out here changing the world. He is making the world a better place. But to create change, he needs us to change. All of these people are weak, submissive, impotent. Each of them are weak. He points at people in the crowd, telling them to change. He is here changing the planet one place at a time. He grabs a poster board that says AJ on it and walks down the stairs with it, saying he doesn’t think so. AJ fills a void for about 30 seconds. Bryan will tear apart that void and fill it with something meaningful, valuable, something that all of these children can be proud of.

He calls a guy ringside impotent, then tells him to change it.

We boo him, but he is changing the planet for the better, while all of us change it for the worse.

From out of the crowd, R-Truth flies onto Bryan and beats some ass. He attacks him until the ref stops him and holds him back for the commercial break.

Match 1: Daniel Bryan vs R-Truth
We come back to the match in play. Truth hits Bryan with a leg lariat. He attacks Bryan in the corner. Whip to the corner and Bryan hops over with abackflip. Truth ducks a right with a flip and hits a kick, sending Bryan down. Cover for 1..2…NO!! Bryan attacks the mid section then sends Truth into the corner. Kicks in the corner to Truth’s gut. Bryan with a snapmare. Kick to the back. Bryan slaps Truth in the head and calls him “the problem.” Truth fights back but Bryan hits a right. He sends Truth into the corner. Kick to the chest. Another. Bryan hits the corner an runs with a dropkick to Truth in the corner. He hits another. He goes for a third, but Truth comes out with a spinning forearm. Crowd is lovin it. Truth locks up, goes for a suplex, turns it into a jawbreaker and a pin for 1..2…NO!!!

Truth misses a splash in the corner. Daniel with a running knee. Cover for 1..2…3!!!

Winner: Daniel Bryan
Short and sweet and better than RAW
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

Bryan makes his way up the ramp only to be attacked by AJ Styles! He beats him down and sends a bunch of headbutts into Bryan. Refs and the like come to stop him. AJ grabs a chair and goes after Bryan, chasing him backstage. Security stops him and Bryan escapes.

Up next is a tag team match!

Match 2: Rey Mysterio and Mustafa Alio vs Samoa Joe and Andrade Cien Almas

Joe and Ali to start. Joe chest checks Ali then spearates. Lockup again and Joe forces him into the ropes. Joe goes for a back hand but Ali rolls out and hits the ropes then a right hand to the face. Again. Joe drops his ass. He grabs Ali and lifts him up then hits a chop. Right hands in the corner, dropping Ali to the bottom rope. Whip to the corner. Ali rolls out and Samoa eats the corner. Dropkick from Ali. Another one. Tag to Rey. He comes in and hits a dropkick with Ali. Joe tags in Almas. They go for a test of strength, but Almas kicks him. Rey elbows out and goes for an over the head draf. Rey hits the ropes. Kick to the chest. Hops up on the shoulders, Almas spins him, and Rey hits a hurricanrana. Rey with a back elbow. Whip to the corner. Rey hops over .Hits the ropes. Almas with a hard hit and Rey falls down hard. Cover for 1..2..NO! He works the left arm and tags in Joe. Joe with a headbutt. He sends Rey into the corner head first. Right hands to the gut. Elbow to the head. Tag to Almas. Andrada goes for a wheelbarrow but Rey drops him face first. Rey tags in Ali. He comes in with a hurricanrana then sends Almas into the corner. Chop and a whip. Reversed and Ali slides then hits a high kick from the apron. He dives theough the ropes. X-Factor and a pin for 1….NO!! Ali with a. lock up from behind. Almas hits a high elbow. Ali blocks a kick, blind tag from Joe. Dropkick from Ali. Joe chats with him. Ali dropkicks both. He attacks Almas then tries for a springboard to the outside, but Joe catches him! Fallaway slam to Ali onto the announce table!!!

We come back to Ali being head scissored off the top rope by Ali. Ali pulls himself up and tries to unhinge his leg from the top rope. He finally falls down and drags himself towards Rey. Ali makes the tag. Springboard onto Almas. Whip to the ropes, he dives under , then rolls through and kicks Almas right in the head. Joe comes in an sends Rey into the corner. Rey headds to the apron. High kick to the head. Seated senton to Joe. Almas is up. Lockup behind, Rey lifts him up with the feet, holds the hands, flips, and Rey stands, flies behind, locks upside down, piledriver!! Joe in the ring. 619 from Rey!! Ali with a 450 splash!!! Almas in the ring, he’s still the legal man. He sends Ali down, but Ali sends him into the ropes.

Ali flips over the ropes onto Joe. 61—no!! ALmas catches him! Gut buster! Hammerlock DDT. Cover for 1..2….3!!!

Winners: Samoa Joe and Andrade Cien Almas
That was fun
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: ***

A small interview with Carmella where she says she is seen as the third wheel. But why? She was champ for over 100 days. She beat Charlotte twice. She beat Asuka twice. She won with the MITB contract, and in that briefcase was an opportunity. And that’s all she will ever need…an opportunity. She is everything she says she is because Mella is Money.

Backstage, The Usos are chillin. They bring up having to beat The Bar tonight. Tonight, the true tag team is stepping up. Welcome to The Uso Pen.

Backstage, Shane is playing Angry Birds. Miz comes in, wondering if Shane had anything to do with that. Shane wonders what he’s talking about. Miz says The Usos getting a possible shot at the title. Miz says that he and Shane are the best tag team in the world. Shane says they are far away from the title picture. Miz says Shane is a McMahon, and he can just give them a title match. Shane won’t do that. They have to train, scout, gain confidence, challenge themselves and their competition. Are they on the same page?

Miz says yes, yes they are. Speaking of which, has Shane though of their outfits? Miz is thinking of going all white. Shane takes a fake phone call, leaving Miz by himself.

Rusev is in the middle of the ring, looking sad. He says last week Lana, his wife, his love, his heart, got hurt because of the selfish actions of one man. Shinsuke. While Lana is at home resting, he stands before us but not as the US Champion. He stands before us, not as the Bulgarian Brute with the body of 1,000 Hemsworth brothers. He stands here before us as a husband. We go to his room.

He tells Shinsuke that he can mess with him all he wants, but once he touched his wife, he crossed a line that he can’t come back from. He calls Shinsuke out and says he will break every bone in his body and crush him.

Backstage, Shinsuke is chillin the production truck near a dude playin Galaga.

He says that Rusev is out there trying to get sympathy. But he is in the truck to prove to everoyne that this isn’t his fault, it’s Rusev’s fault, and we have the proof.

We go back to Last Tuesday where Shinsuke kicks Rusev in the head and stomps him in the corner. Lana hops on the back of Shinsuke, and Rusev kicks him. Shinsuke rewinds it showing that Lana fell on her ass and head because Rusev superkicked Shinsuke.

He tells Rusev that he crushed Lana. Rusev paces the ring then says that if he ain’t comin to Rusev, then Rusev will come to Shinsuke. He rsuhes up the ramp and to the back.

Rusev wonders where the truck is, makes his way, but Shinsuke is there with a big ol box to crush Rusev into another box. He then kicks Rusev in the face and stands over him to talk some shit.
Shinsuke leaves, then comes back for a nice little kick to the face.

Becky!!!

She claims that tonight, she’s gotta jump through hoops that no one beat her to have. The title run that woke up the entire industry. That’s ok, tonight she can do whatever she wants. Charlotte and Carmella are just a formality. Asuka will have to do a whole lot more than just climb a ladder. She is on borrowed time.

Recap of RAW from last night, specifically Hogan representing Mean Gene.

Match 3: The Usos vs The Bar

Lockup to start with Sheamus and Jey. They break it up then lock up again. Jey works the arm Sheamus drops him with a right hand. He lifts Jey and sends him into the ropes. Kick from Jey. CLothesline to sheamus sending him over the top rope! Sheamus slides back in and runs into a dropkick. Pin for 1…NO! Sheamus backs into his corner and tags in Cesaro. Jey tags in Jimmy. Lockup and Cesaro gets a side headlock. Cesaro drops him hard then hops over and catches Jimmy midair, buty Jimmy flips over. Head scissors from Jimmy. Butt splash in the corner but no, Cesaro is pulled out by Sheamus!! Jimmy chases Cesaro back into the ring, gets a chiop in. Tag to Jey. Forearm in the corner. He works the arm, but Cesaro gets a knee and tags in Sheamus. Sheamus with an uppercut. Right hand from Jey. Another. Whip from Sheamus into the corner and Jey stops it. Right hand. Chop. Another chop. Another chop. Sheamus with a side headlock. Push to the ropes, and Jey just hits a huge fucking right. Clothesline from Sheamus off of a distraction from Cesaro.

Back and Sheamus stops a tag by hitting a rolling senton onto Jey. Tag to Cesaro who drops an elbow. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Tag to Sheamus. He comes in and hits a right hand. Knee to the face of jey. Sheamus locks up the arm from behind. Sheamus with the beatdown. Jey with a high enziguri. Jey reaches for a tag, but doesn’t quite get it. Tag is made on both teams. Jimmy with a right hand. Samoan Drop. Jimmy with a butt splash into the corner. Cover for 1…2..NO!! Cesaro rolls of the ring. Jey superkicks Sheamus. He tosses Sheamus out. Dive over the top rope then. They pull Ceasro out and roll him back in the ring. Jimmy to the top rope. He dives. Crossbody. Pin for 1..2…NO!!! Tag to Sheamus.

Another break, and we come back to Cesaro with a sharpshooter. Uso gets to the ropes and Cesaro chokes him out only for the ref to stop him. Sheamus gets a kick in and cesaro pins for 1..2..NO!! Sheamus with the tag. Sheamus with some shit talking. Headbutts from Uso. Knee from Sheamus. Jey is seated at the top rope. Sheamus lifts him on his shouylders. He climbs up the ropes, looking for the senton. Jimmy fights out, he lands down on the mat. High superkick but Cesaro got the tag!!! Cesaro to the top rope and he dives….right into a SUPERKICK!!! Jey reaches for his brother. He nearly gets there but….Mandy Rose comes out!!! Dahell? She loooks to Jimmy, says she needs his help. She wants to know if she left her tiny top and shorts in his hotel room. Jimmy seems confused.

Sheamus takes advantage, sends him off the apron. Cesaro hits The Nuetralizer. Pin for 1..2…3!!

Winners: Sheamus and Cesaro
Wow….what have I been missing?!
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ****
Total Rating: ***¾

The MIz comes out as Sheamus and Cesaro celebrate. He says to give it up for the champions! He wants to congratulate the two of them on behalf of he and Shane. They have dominated all teams…but one. He is here to grant them an opportunity of a lifetime. He offers them the opportunity to put their titles on the line at The Royal Rumble against the one team they have yet to dominate…The Best Tag Team in the World.

Cesaro snatches the mic from Miz. He says he wants them to face an unfunctional team with daddy issues? He wants to consult with his tag team partner…

Sheamus hits a Brogue Kick on The Miz.

Cesaro says they accept.

Backstage, Mandy is walking with her buddy, wearing the gold shit she was talking about, so obviously she was lyin. Naomi aint down with the get down, though, and attacks! She even says she’ll take on both of them. She handles them for a bit, beating own on Mandy for a bit but Sonya helps a bit too much and they overtake Naomi. Jimmy comes rushing up to help her, telling the girls to back up.

Charlotte’s turn to talk about Carmella’s being last year’s hottest thing. Charlotte is the hottest thing on RAW and Smackdown the last four years running. The seven time women’s champion. She’s main evented multiple times. It’s different now; she’s not here to prove herself. She’s here for her. For her title. Tonight, her focus in on Becky and Carmella. At RR, her focus will be on Asuka. Get ready to be humbled by the Queen.

Backstage, Bryan wants totalk about being attacked unprovoked. Why did AJ do that? Because he’s trying to change the world? For filling the void he never could? Or is he doing it because he is the champion and Aj is not. Bryan doesn’t care why AJ did what he did. What he did tonight was not vicious. It’s not half as vicious as what he is capable of, but AJ will see at the Rumble, and he may see before, because he will never, never, never, never take the WWE title away from him because he is fighting for a cause that is bigger than anything that AJ has ever fought for in his entire life, and the NEW Daniel Bryan will be WWE Champion forever.

Backstage, Miz is holding his Jaw. Shane came up to him and says this wasn’t his plan. Miz says that he challenged their competitors. Shane didn’t mean that. Miz says they have to have the confidence, and Miz does. He is ready and believes in this team. If they are not testing themselves by going right after The Bar, then what are we doing? You know what this would mean to him and his dad. This is not how he wanted it to go down. Shane wonders if Miz really thinks he could win. They then knock fists.

Match 4: Becky Lynch vs Carmella vs Charlotte

The crowd chants for Becky, and Becky gloats. They duble team but it doesn’t last long. Becky gets sent to the outside. Carmella rolls Charlotte up for 1..NO!!! Becky slides in and gives some uppercuts, sending Carmella to the outside. She mule kicks Charlotte. She thn sends Charlotte to the outside and heads to the apron. She flies off, knocking Carmella down then gives a right hand to Charlotte.

We are back, and Becky is in the ring with Carmella. Mella is up in the corner. Becky kicks her out of the corner. Charlotte is here to go to the top rope. Becky grabs her and drops her onto Carmella then drops a senton onto Carmella WHILE AT THE SAME TIME HITTING A DROPKICK TO CHARLOTTE!!! Shittt. Becky and Charlotte stand toe to toe. Becky with a right. Charlotte gives her one too. Nother form Becky. Charlotte chops. Right elbow to Charlotte. Chop to Becky. Becky with an elbow. Again. Chops and rights back and forth. Charlotte with chops over and over again. Becky with the Thesz Press. Charlotte overpowers and mounts. Carmella enters the ring and kicks Charlotte. Becky sets up for the Exploder, but Mella hits a Flatliner. She goes for Chalorrte, Charlotte goes for the figure four, Carmella escapes and locks Charlottes head up with the legs!!! Sick. Charlotte is too strong, though, and lifts for a possible tombstone, but Carmella floats down and rolls her up. Chalrotte with a knee off the bad pin. Becky hops off the top rope, Charlotte shoves Mella into it. Charlotte kicks Becky, backbreaker to Mella then ak ick to the face! She pulls the legs out and drags Carmella next to Becky. Charlotte gets to the top rope. Becky is up first. She attacks Charlotte. Charlotte kicks her back and hits a Moonsault on both of the women! Cover to Becky for 1..2..NO!!! Cover to Carmella. 1..2…NO!!!!

Back after the break, and Becky is fighting Charlotte over the corner. Charlotte on the outsid.e Becky locks her legs up behind the ropes and locks the head. Becky locks up for the plex, but Mella is here to pull her boot out from under her. Mella goes to the top rope and hits a forearm. Carmella flips forward, locks the head of Charlotte. Charlotte wont move, so Carmelal pulls herself up and hits a few rights then finishes the move and colors for 1…2..NO!!!! Carmella kicks Charlotte to the outside. Becky hops on the apron and Carmella kicks her off the apron. Mella hits the ropes. Suicide dive! Becky catches her, thank god! Carmella lifts Becky up. Charlotte is on the top rope. Moonsault to the outside, but the girls move and Charlotte lands on her feet!! BECKSPLODER to Carmella!!!! Becky with the right hand. She sends Carmella into the barricade. Becky sends Carmella into the ring. Becky rolls her in, gets on the apron, Charlotte knocks her off. Goes for a figure four. Carmella kicks her away. Becky grabs the arm and goes for the Disarmer. Charlotte with the Natural Selection off the corner. Kick from Carmella. Cover for 1..2.NO!!! Charlotte breaks it up. Carmella screams at Charlotte’s face then slaps her. She gives a bunch of slams to her then beats down on the back. Carmella lifts Charlotte. Charlotte with a slap. She pulls the leg. FIGURE FOUR!!! FIGURE EIGHT!! Becky heads to the top rope. She dives off and hits a leg drop to both girls! Cover for 1..2..NO!!!! DISARMER to CHARLOTTE!!!! Carmella kicks her to the side of the head. Carmella sends Charlotte to the outside.

Carmella locks up. Becky escapes. SPEAR FROM CHARLOTTE. Carmella with a kick! She grabs Becky. Becky grabs the arm. DISARMER!!! Carmella taps! Game over!~

Winner: Becky Lynch
Damn…..I wish Sasha was on the blue brand…
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: *****
Total Rating: ****1/2

Becky celebrates, but it’s short lived as Asuka comes down to the ring. She stares down Becky then holds her title in the air. She talks some shit to Becky. Becky stares back at her with a grin, basically saying this is her title, gurrrrll.

End Show