wrestling / TV Reports

411’s WWE Smackdown Report 10.17.02

October 17, 2002 | Posted by Brendan Johnston

WWE Smackdown for October 17, 2002, from Toronto, Ontario
Report by Brendan Johnston exclusively for www.411wrestling.com

I swear to f**k, if I download one more shitty version of “Daughter” by Pearl Jam, I am going to blow up the f***in’ Internet. Don’t ask me how, but I’m going to do it. Come on, file sharers; get on the ball here. No one wants the first thirty seconds of “Daughter” or a polka version of “Spin the Black Circle.” Jesus Christ…

I was venting to my friend Joe about this (Joe… big Billy Gunn fan for some reason) and he said, “Take it easy, man. What would Eddie do?” He was referring to Eddie Vedder since I was bitching about Pearl Jam, but I took it to mean Eddie Guerrero. My response of course was “Well, he’d distract the ref and have his nephew blast the Internet with a chair.”

Just like that, my running joke for this report was born. You have been warned.

Raw… Okay, seriously I didn’t think it was that bad. For whatever reason, the show made me mark out like an idiot. I put all the Internet smart mark bullshit aside, unintentionally mind you. I was just too tired Monday night to analyze the show, so it was all “Al Snow and Lance Storm! Cool!” and “Man, that Randy Orton’s annoying” and “Kane just chokeslammed the hell out of everyone! Woo!”

Except D’lo. Come on, Kane, what was the deal with that? You don’t mess with the D’lo Nation. You’re looking at the real deal, you know… man, this is what I get for watching Heat.

I don’t know why everyone’s so down on Al Snow vs. Lance Storm. It must be just me, but I love both those guys. Snow’s been the man ever since the first Tough Enough and Storm’s just Storm-rific. Could have done without the Regal crap though.

Actually I’d love to see Snow and Storm in a tag team. Come on… SnowStorm! Get it? They could wrestle in parkas. It’d be… really, really stupid, actually. Nevermind.

I may mock WWE for so blatantly trying to get us to hate Randy Orton a la early Rock… but it’s working. I f***in’ hate that guy now, and he used to be one of my pet guys. I hope they shove those “The Business Is In His Blood” spots down our throats for the next four months and then when he comes back he’s got crazy sideburns and calls himself “The Rand.”

And, in a rare occasion of me agreeing wholeheartedly with Scott Keith (I’m not maligning anyone or looking to start trouble. I doubt he reads my report anyway. All I’m saying is I disagree with many of his opinions.): that WWE Anthology commercial with Bret Hart walking to the ring was indeed the Meanest Promo Ever. I swear, my jaw raced Tom’s to the floor as soon as it said “Coming Soon” and the Hart music hit. Tom’s girlfriend Michelle was legitimately frightened because she thought something horrible had happened and we weren’t able to speak enough to tell her.

But honestly: that was some funny, funny stuff. I’m willing to bet a good ten bucks that the guy who had the idea for that promo laughed himself to sleep Monday night thinking about how thoroughly he mind-f***ed the smart fans. Lord knows I would have.

Jesus… I gotta lay off the Extra Strength Tylenol for my inexplicably bad back. I’m losing all my cynicism. Or maybe it’s these Reese’s Fast Break things. They are goddamn addictive as hell.

Apparently Stone Cold Steve Austin may have walked out back in June because he was afraid that Brock Lesnar was going to legitimately work him over in the match. This changes my opinion of Austin entirely. Hell, wouldn’t you walk out if there was a possibility of getting into a legit fight with a dude like Brock? Brock has to be, like, three or four times Debra’s size! Austin didn’t want none of that.

And you people thought I was going to defend the beer-guzzling, wife-beating, annoying-catchphrase-spewing redneck… of course, he did keep HHH in chhheck… which is the lesser of two evils? It’s times like this when I’m forced to ask myself… what would Eddie do?

Pile on top of his size the fact that I still believe Brock and Heyman ritually sacrifice people to that monster on his back. What do you think really happened to Hardcore Holly? Open your eyes, people! Injured neck my pale Irish ass. Bob stiffed Brock, so he got gutted to feed the demon Nodrog’s insatiable hunger for human souls. “Hardcore” schmardcore. Hope the Pit is Hardcore enough for you, Sparky!

Now I’m just rambling. This is what happens when Brendan gets free time at work.

And now, on with the report….

We open with footage of the MistressTaker angle with Heyman, Brock and the soft porn actress last week. Man, Taker even no-sold the slap to the face.

The montage rolls, the pyro hits and Michael Cole welcomes us to Smackdown for October 17, 2002. We are 72 hours, just 3 days away from No Mercy. Tonight, we get the semi-finals of the tag team tournament, not to mention Jamie Noble vs. Nidia.

Tag Team Tournament Semi-Finals- Edge and Rey Mysterio vs. D-Von and Ron Simmons: Edge gets a HUGE hometown boy pop. They show brackets for the Tournament while D-Von and Simmons make their way to the ring.

Edge and Simmons start. Lockup to the corner. Simmons with a kick to the gut. Edge grabs a side headlock but YOU CAN’T SHOULDER BLOCK RON SIMMONS! Canadian forearm puts Edge in control. Missile dropkick by Edge, jawbreaker by Simmons, tag to D-Von, who charges and gets flapjacked. Tag to Mysterio, in with Bombs Away. Dropkick to D-Von, headscissors to Simmons. He goes for an early 619 but D-Von moves and Rey runs into a Simmons spinebuster. D-Von slugs away.Mysterio ducks a D-Von clothesline but gets press-slammed. D-Von misses a second rope elbow and gets heel kicked by Rey. Tag to Edge, in with a flying clothesline. Dropkicks to D-Von and Simmons. Back body drop to D-Von, faceplant to Simmons. Edge-O-Matic gets two on D-Von, broken by Simmons. Simmons gets dropkicked from behind by Mysterio who follows with a plancha. Spear to D-Von in the corner and Mysterio hits a Frankensteiner that gets two for Edge, broken by Simmons. 619 to D-Von, West Coast Pop to Simmons countered with a powerbomb. Spear to Simmons, D-Von goes for the Saving Grace but Edge floats out and hits the Edge-O-Cution.

Winners, and advancing to the title match at No Mercy: Edge and Rey Mysterio by pinfall (4:35)

What Would Eddie Do?: He’d get Chavo, then run out and beat the hell out of Edge and Mysterio after the… oh, wait.

After the match, Eddie and Chavo run down and beat the hell out of Edge and Mysterio. Eddie hits the frog splash on Edge. Eddie’s got quite a shiner, there.

Backstage, Smackdown’s #1 Announcer Funaki interviews Tajiri about reffing Noble/Nidia. Tajiri babbles in Japanese. Nidia and Noble show up and make a lot of rough sex jokes that result in Nidia slapping Noble and being separted by Funaki and Tajiri.

Commercial break… WWE Anthology commercial featuring the Ultimate Warrior. Expect a ninety-page commentary on the Warrior’s website by 10:03 EST… WWE Rewind is of the Nidia/Noble shenanigans from last week.

And we’re back. Jamie Noble’s in the ring yelling for Nidia to come out to the ring.

WWE Cruiserweight Champion Jamie Noble vs. Nidia: Tajiri is the guest ref.

Noble shoves her down but gets low blowed. Nidia pounds away and jumps on his back for a sleeper. Noble flips her off his back and begs her to stop, tries to help her up but gets small pakaged for two. Noble spears her and looks to go for some mounted punches but stops himself and asks her to stop again. Nidia rolls him up for two, then hits a dropkick and rakes the eyes. Whip but Noble telegraphs and gets kicked in the face. He picks her hup over his shoulders and tries to leave, but Nidia goes for a sunset flip. Noble sits down and hooks her legs for the pin..

Winner: Jamie Noble by pinfall (1:55)

Nidia slaps Tajiri when he tries to help her. Tajiri goes to attack but Noble beats the hell out of him and hits the Trailer Bomb. Nidia and Noble make up.

What Would Eddie Do?: Not much. Wrestling between loved ones is pretty accepted by the Guerrero clan. Actually, that’s a wedding tradition for them.

Undertaker sits in the back in a sweatshirt. It’s cold in Canada, don’t you know.

Commercial break…Tough Enough 3 starts tonight.

And we’re back.

Cole and Tazz interview Undertaker from the locker room. Taker says he’s been a lot of things, but never a liar. But when he was accused by Tracy, he lied. (Uhhh…) He did know her, but long before he ever met Sara. He was scared of hurting Sara, so he lied. Truth of it is, he hasn’t seen Tracy in almost seven years. He doesn’t know how Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman dug her up, but his last week has been hell because of them. But it’s nothing compared to what he’s gonna put Brock and Paul through in the cell.

Eslwewhere, Eddie and Chavo Guerrero go into their locker room and turn the lights on to find Chris Benoit standing there waiting for them. Benoit just stares at them and Eddei gets all defensive, saying that he wasn’t the one who jumped him last week. Eddie is hurt, saying they’re familia They came over from WCW together, from Raw together. They travel together. When Eddie was going through his “personal issues” Benoit gave him a shoulder to cry on. Eddie gets all weepy but Benoit moves away. Eddie says that Benoit is hurting his feelings and flips out, challenging Benoit to a fight. Chavo tells Eddie not to lower himself to Benoit’s level and helps him leave, saying “Shame on you, Chris Benoit! He’s like a brother to you.” Benoit just watches them walk off. Man… I love the Guerreros.

Commercial break…The Subaway Smack of the Night: Benoit and Angle beating Kidman and Cena last week.

And we’re back.

Brock Lesnar, Paul Heyman and Tracy head for Stephanie’s office. Tracy’s steamed, she is.

Billy Kidman vs. John Cena : Okay, WTF? These two were tag partners last week. It’s like the anti-D-Von/Faarooq. Only, much, much, MUCH whiter. Earlier tonight, Cena cut the Worst Heel Promo Ever saying that Kidman better get used to losing. Grr.

Lockup and Cena grabs a wristlock. Kidman tries to flip flop out but Cena holds on. To the croner and Kidman armdrags out. Kidman wasitlock to a Cean hammerlock, countered to a Kidman snapmare and headscissors. Kidman tries to counter a hop toss but gets slingshotted out of the ring. Cena rolls him in for two and stomps away. Hard whip to the corner by Cena. Shoulder block by Cena gets two. Cena continues to work the back with a backdrop for two. Tazz blames Cole for Cena and Kidman losing last week. Ha ha… Cena hits a stalling vertical suplex on Kidman for two. Cena grabs a surfboard but Kidman powers out, hits a pair of dropkicks and second rope back elbow for two. Cena hits a sick looking DDT for two.”Cena Sucks” starts.Cena powerbomb reversed to a sunset flip for two. Kidman sets up for the Shooting Star Press but Cena slugs him down. Backslide with the ropes by Cena ends it.

Winner: John Cena by pinfall (5:34)

For winning the match, Cena earns the new WWE Bland-weight Title. He will be presented with the brand new belt- which is completely blank- at No Mercy by Bland-Weight Division commissioner Steve Blackman.

What Would Eddie Do?: Probably get the cops called on him for being that close to so many suburban white boys. Kidman and Cena would be locking the doors on Dad’s Honda Civic faster than Eddie could get Chavo in position with the chair.

Tracy, Brock and Heyman barge into Stephanie’s office and Tracy says that her relationship with the Undertaker hasn’t been over for years. In fact, they slept together 10 days ago. Steph throws Tracy out of the building. Heyman appeals to Stephanie about how Brock and Matt Hardy are the future and the Undertaker is the past, and shouldn’t be allowed to wear the cast in the Cell on Sunday. Stephanie says she’ll decide later and tells Brock to get ready for his match against Chuck Palumbo.

Later tonight we’re going to get Rikishi and Torrie Wilson vs. Matt Hardy and Dawn Marie.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Undertaker yells about how Tracy should stay in the past and that she’s a lying bitch. Taker says he wants to keep the cast on since Broke brock (scratch that, reverse it) his hand in the first place. Steph says it’s an offensive weapon and she has to consider everyone’s safety. Undertaker smashes a lamp with the plot device… er, cast, and walks off.

WWE Champion Brock Lesnar (w/Paul Heyman) vs. Chuck Palumbo: Heeeee is the championnnn, my friennnnnnds… and he’s fighting Chuck midway through…. Hell in the Ce-ell, no-bo-dy ca-ares… for he is the champion… of the world… Thenk yew, thenk ya ver’ mush… (That’s right: Queen parody right into a bad Elvis impression. You’re not gonna get this anywhere else on the Web, people.)

Chcuk slugs away but gets shouldered in the corner, comes back with a discus punch and a big boot. Clothesline/legsweep by Brock and Brock posts Palumbo’s ribs from the outside. Back in, Brock chokes with his foot in the corner. Chuck tries to come back with punches but gets kneed in the gut. Clothesline by Lesnar, then another. Chuck tries to come back again but gets kneed in the gut again. Brock chokes on the rope and hits a suplex for a trifecta of two counts. Cross corner whip and overhead belly to belly by Lesnar gets two. Brock goes to a reverse bearhug and rolls Palumbo over for two. Tazz and Cole call this the Brock-Lock as Chuck makes the ropes. Chuck charges and gets tilt-a-whirled into the Tree of Woe. Brock works the ribs but Chuck gets the boots down on a spear attempt. Chuck hits an overhead belly to belly of his own, a discus punch and then two superkicks. Brock grabs the ropes on the three. Chuck goes for the belly to belly again but Brock reverses to one of his own. Rib breaker, fireman’s carry, F5. Say goodnight, Chuck.

Winner, and STILL… oh, wait, it was non-title: WWE Champion Brock Lesnar (6:25)

What Would Eddie Do?: Confusing Brock’s back tattoo for a chupacabra, Eddie runs like hell.

Undertaker comes in and nails Brock with a big boot, stomps a mudhole then nails him with the cast. He nails the refs and some guy with red hair with the cast. Brcok retreats, bloddied. Heyman screams, “You’re bleeding!”

Commercial break… 8 Mile is supposed to be really, really good.

And we’re back.

Torrie stretches backstage and notices her dad again. He says he couldn’t miss Torrie’s match tonight. (She also points out that Dawn’s not that hot… okay, not really.) Torrie warns him about dawn Marie but Al gives her flowers.

Dawn Marie and Matt Hardy “Version One” vs. Rikishi and Torrie Wilson: Matt Hardy has the GREATEST ENTRANCE VIDEO EVER!!!! It’s like an Internet server loading up Mattitude.com. It’s hilarious. Tazz complains about the lack of bikini contests this week.

Torrie and Dawn to start but Matt blind tags in. Torrie tags Rikishi and Matt tags out. Dawn bitches out Rikishi and slaps him, ducks a clothesline and gets press slammed and thrown into a charging Matt Hardy. Tag to Torrie who’s in with her swinging neckbreaker. Whip to the corner but Dawn gets the boot up, rolls her up for two with the ropes. Torrie with a scoop slam and tag to Rikishi. Dawn dodges the butt drop and tags Matt who immediately goes for sunset flip. HE dodges the ass drop and hits the Side Effect for two. Yodelling Legdrop Version One misses, Twist of Fate is blocked. Samoan chokeslam and Double Chin Music hits. Rikishi Backs That Ass Up for a double Stinkface but Matt holds Dawn’s face in front of his. Out of the corner, Torrie small packages Dawn but Matt rolls Dawn over.

Winners: Matt Hardy and Dawn Marie by pinfall (3:55)

Torrie low blows Matt and slaps Dawn Marie after the match. Rikishi Backs That Ass Up and signals for the Stinkface on Matt. Torrie goes for it instead and Matt is quite jazzed, but then Rikishi hits it instead.

What Would Eddie Do?: Get Chavito to nail Rikishi and Hardy, then offer Torrie and Dawn some Latino Heat. He gets Chavo to take out Kidman too. Just because.

In the trainer’s room, Brock gets fixed up and yells at Brock to get Stephanie to have Taker remove the cast before HitC.

Commercial break.

Heyman appeals to Stephanie about the cast. He indicates the lamp and says that it could have been Stephanie’s head. Paul flips out and starts screaming about the cast.

Cole and Tazz run down the card for Sunday. HHH/Kane World/IC unification match; Smackdown Tag Title Match; Trish Stratus/Victoria, Women’s Title; RVD/Flair; Booker T&Goldust/Christian & Chris Jericho, Raw Tag Titles; Torrie Wilson/Dawn Marie; Brock/Taker, WWE Title.

Backstage, Benoit stares at Angle. Angle thinks it’s because he’s jealous of Angle’s gold medals. Angle then realizes it’s because of the attack last week, which Angle insists he wasn’t involved in. Angle says he doesn’t want to get suspended for a year, because he doesn’t know what he’d do with himself, since he doesn’t need a full year to train for the Olympics. It’s true. It’s true.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Torrie walks backstage. The stagehand who was watching the flowers said they were for Dawn Marie, not her. Torrie goes looking for her dad, who’s… oh, god, he’s in the women’s locker room… oh god… he’s in the shower with Dawn Marie… who’s even LESS HOT WITHOUT HER CLOTHES ON!!! Also, Al Wilson was fully dressed.

Tag Team Tournament Semi-Finals- Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit vs. Eddie Guerrero and Chavo Guerrero: Edge and Rey Mysterio attack the Guerreros before the match, then Angle and Benoit get involved, beating the snot out of Edge and Mysterio. Angle gets speared and Benoit takes the 619.

Commercial break.

And we’re back.

Tag Team Tournament Semi-Finals- Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit vs. Eddie Guerrero and Chavo Guerrero: Eddie is stomping away in the corner, apparently having govne on the offensive during the break.Angle gets a back elbow on Eddie and hiptosses the charging Chavo. He pounds away on Eddie. Cross corner whip and clothesline get two. Suplex gets two. Tag to Benoit, who chops and stomps in the corner. Back elbow gets two for Benoit. Backbreaker gets two. Tag to Angle, and Eddie comes back with an elbow and tags Chavo. Short arm clothesline by Chavo gets two. European uppercut by Chavo leads to a whip being reversed and Angel hits a belly to belly. Tag to Benoit. Knee to the gut and backdrop get two. Short arm clothesline by Benoit gets two.Chavo ducks a second attempt and hits a backdrop, goes to the sleeer. Tag to Eddie, who stomps away. European uppercut leads to a suplex attempt reversed to the Crossface, broken by Chavo. Chavo comes back with chops and a European uppercut.Snapmare to a front headlock. The Canadians chant FOR Angle. Benoit powers out with chops and goess of the ropes into a dropkick for two. Tag to Eddie who’s in with a slingshot swanton and kick to the face of Benoit. Chavo cheapshots Benoit and Edde cheapshots Angle. Chavo comes in sans tag and grabs another headlock on Chavo. Benoit powers into the corner but Chavo hits a back elbow and goes up top. Benoit counteres with a superplex. HUGE pop when Benoit tags Angle.Back body drop to Guerrero. German suplex to Chavo. Belly to belly to Eddie gets two, broken up by Chavo. Dropkick to Angle by Chavo. German to Chavo by Benoit, then to Eddie, Swandive headbutt to Eddie and Angle covers for two, broken by Chavo. Brainbuster by Chavo and he clotheslines Benoit out. Eddie covers but only gets two. Frog splash gets two. Benoit pulls Eddie off and grabs the Crossface, broken again by Chavo. Benoit backdrops Chavo out. Eddie shoves Angle into Benoit and the ref gets bumped. Eddie grabs the Lasso from El Paso which Angle counters to the ankle lock. Guerrero taps, no ref. Chavo gets a chair but Benoit takes it away. Chavo flips out but Benoit offers a handshake Angle sees the chair and breaks the ankle lock, then Benoit waffles Chavo and Eddie. Angle Slam puts Eddie Guerrero away as the ref comes to.

Winners, and advancing to the title match at No Mercy: Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle by pinfall (10:40)

Benoit and Angle look surprisingly pleased with each other after the match.

What Would Eddie Do?: Well… see above, I guess.

Mark Lloyd asks Sephanie what the deal is with the cast. Steph will answer that in the ring.

Oh joy. A main event interview to follow the previous great ten minutes.

Commercial break… The WWE Burn of the Night: Undertaker clobbering Brock with the cast last week.

And we’re back.

Stephanie McMahon comes to the ring. She calls WWE Champion Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman to the ring. When Steph mentions the Undertaker, Brock jumps and looks to the ramp. Ha ha… Steph deliberates over whether to let the Undertaker wear the cast. Taker has bloodied Matt Hardy and Brock Lesnar. Therefore, since HitC is an anything goes kind of match, Taker can wear the cast. Brock gets all up in Stephanie’s grill. The Undertaker charges and gets spinebustered. Brock stomps on the hand. Even Heyman gets a shot in. Serious heat for Brock. Undertaker takes Heyman down and hits him with the cast. Brock takes a cast-shot too. Heyman bleeds as Brock retreats.

Thanks for reading. See you next week. Enjoy No Mercy.

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Brendan Johnston

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