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October 23, 2017 | Posted by Tony Acero
WWE Raw

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It’s the birthday hangover edition, and I am just barely standing. I don’t believe I’ve left this hot corner of the couch all day save to urinate. Day 1 of 31 isn’t pretty. Yesterday was fun, though! I remember when Kurt Angle won the title from The Rock in 2000, on my birthday, so it was a nice little poetic moment to see him make his first WWE in-ring appearance in 11 also on my birthday. The match was a mess, but it was still pretty cool. Anywhoo….


Raw starts with a recap of Angle doin his thing in photo stills from last night.

Cole welcomes us proper, and Angle’s music hits.

What a whirlwind it’s been, says Angle. He says that every story has a beginning, middle, and an end. Tell that to the WWE writers cuz they really suck at that whole “end” part.

Angle is happy, saying it was like a dream come true last night. That was last night, though, and this is tonight. He brings up Survivor Series. He brings up his debut 18 years ago. This year will be RAW vs Smackdown.

Alexa will face Natalya
The Miz will face Baron Corbin
Rollins and Ambrose will face The Usos

Angle then announces that Jinder will take on Brock. So there goes the sizzle from that steak…

Angle says there will be a 5 on 5 match as well, but there won’t be only one…there will be two. A men’s match and a women’s match. As RAW GM, he’ll make sure his show is the most dominant show in the WWE.

The Intercontinental Champion cuts off Angle’s exit with his posse. He is so sick of hearing Angle’s voice. This is The Miz’s show. Does Angle think he saved the show? When Roman went down, it should have been Dean and Seth on 5. Miz wants Angle to understand something. This isn’t about Angle. He doesn’t deserve to be in the ring as a superstar or General Manager, and he should resign immediately.

Angle says it’s not happening. He’s going to go to his office. Miz says Angle isn’t going anywhere.

His goons circle the ring. Angle watches each point as Cesaro, Sheamus, Axel, and Miz hop on the apron.

The Shield’s music hits. They rush down the steps as Miz shows frustration. Seth and Dean hop i the ring, and the other four men back away.

Miz says Dean and Seth are sucking up to the man. they’ve sold out. They need to realize that the odds are not in their favor yet again. Angle says he’s going to schedule a match.

Miz, Cesaro, and Sheamus vs Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and….AJ Styles!

I mean, it’s cool, but…


Match 1: The Miz, Cesaro, and Sheamus vs Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and AJ Styles

Sheamus and Seth to start. Sheamus with a side head lock takedown. He rolls it into a pin for 1. No go. Sheamus hits the ropes. Shoulder tackle to Seth. Seth leap frogs over him then hits a standing cross body. Kick ot Sheamus in the corner. He stomps him down then tags in Dean. Snapmare from Seth and a low clothesline rom Dean. Elbow drop. Cover for 1…NO! Dean with a chop to the chest. He sends Sheamus in the corner, but Sheamus blocks. Dean then blocks and hits the gut. Beatdown in the corner with elbows. Whip to Sheamus. Ambrose eats a boot. Sheamus clubs the back and tags in Cesaro. Cesrao with a leg drop. Cover for 1…NO! Dean kicks out. Cesaro grabs the face, but Dean escapes and hits a knee. Cesaro with a one hand hits a body slam. Wow. Bad ass Cesaro. Cesaro covers for 1..2..NO! Cesaro with a right hand. Hits the ropes. Dean with a knee. Seth gets a tag. Dropkick from Dean. Dropkick from Seth. Cover for 1..NO! Seth works the left arm behind Cesaro. Seth tags in AJ as the crowd chants his name. Whip from AJ and he rolls up Cesaro for 1…NO! AJ hooks the legs, wheelbarrow into a pin for 1..NO! Cesaro catches AJ in the air, Aj kicks him from the apron. Miz distracts, and Cesaro shocks AJ off the apron with the ropes. Tag to Miz who comes in with a kick to AJ. Jawbreaker from AJ. Cesaro and Sheamus are in the ring to knock down Seth and Dean. AJ gets no tag. Dean enters the ring pissed off, so Cesaro and Sheamus and Miz stomp AJ down. Seth pulls Cesaro out of the ring and sends him into the barricade. Dean sends Sheamus over. AJ sends Miz to the outside. We get a three man jump over the top rope to the outside!

Back from a break and Cesaro has Dean in a seated position in the middle of the ring. Tag to Sheamus. They charge up then both kick Dean in the corner. Knees from Cesaro. Cravat. Cesaro with a knee. He teases Seth with no tag. Suplex from Dean. Sheamus up in the corner. He hops off and gets kicked. Dean with a clothesline. He gets the tag to Seth. Miz is in. He trips or something, which is kind of funny. Seth with a slingblade. Seth hits a blockbuster. Falcon Arrow. Pin but Styles is in to break it up. Pele kick to Sheamus .Cesaro in to kick. Seth sends Sheamus to the outside. Miz with a DDT. Cover for 1…2…..NO!

Back after another break and Miz hits some kicks to the chest. He goes over and over with the IT kicks. He misses the final one and Rolliins rolls miz up for 1..2…NO! Miz sends Seth to the outside. Cesaro and Sheamus look to attack but Dean is there to save the day. He sends Miz in the crowd then jumps off the barricade onto Sheamus. Seth hits a clothesline. Tag to AJ in the ring. He bewats down Cesaro and hits a clothesline. Splash in the corner. AJ with a neckbreaker onto the knee. Cover for 1….2…NO!!! AJ looks for the finish, but Miz hops on the apron to distract. AJ is distracted by Sheamus. Uppercut from Cesaro! Miz is in the ring. He gets sent out by Seth and Dean. !

Double suicide dive to the outside. AJ with Phenomenal Forearm! Pin! 1..2….3!!!

Winners: Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, and AJ Styles
What fun
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ****
Total Rating: ***1/2

Immediately after the match, Kane’s music hits and he makes his way down the ramp. AJ, Seth, and Dean ready themselves. Kane enters the ring. Kane looks to chokeslam Seth. Cesaro and Sheamus attack Dean. Kane with the chokeslam! He goes after Dean. He sends Dean to the outside. Everyone else exits the ring. Kane is left in the ring with Seth.

We come back to the show and Kane is still in the ring. Weird.

We get a recap of last night, complete with the garbage truck taking Braun away.

Kane wants some promo time! He brings up Braun begging for competition, how he broke Roman and tossed Show and did all the cool stuff he’s been doing. Kane says his name, Braun Strowman. Kane liked what he heard, but had to see it for himself. When he did, he wasn’t impressed. He saw a pile of trash. 385 lbs of trash. Kane claims he was able to look into the eyes of Braun while he was being eaten by one large mechanical gulp….

He says he saw fear in kane’s eyes. He is, and will always be, RAW’s only monster. Now that Braun is gone, Kane wants competition, or elssssssssssssssse…..

Kane awaits his challenger…

It’s Finn!

Cole: “Wow….just wow!”

Who writes this shit?!


Match 2: Kane vs Finn Balor

Finn with some kicks to the thigh. Kane just trucks him, sending him out of the ring. Finn enters the ring once again. Kane sends him into the corner. Kick to the chest. Right hand. Another stomp. Right hand to the face. kane whips Finn into the corner. Kick from Finn. Double kick out of the corner. Finn hops over the apron and high kicks Kane in the face. Big Boot from Kane! Kane with a body slam. Cover for 1..2..NO! Kane with a chinlock. Kane sends Finn to the outside. He follows. Finn back in the ring. A dive to Kane and a kick. Another, but Kane won’t go down. Finn exits and runs right into the clutches of Kane. Kane rams him into the barricade then into the apron, kidney first. Back in the ring, Kane hits a clothesline in the corner. Another. Side slam. Cover for 1..2..NO! Finn tries to attack, but kane whips him into the corner back first, and hard! Kane grbs Finn, shoves him into the ropes, then hits a forearm to the small of the back. Kane with a backbreaker. He stretches Finn out across his knee. Finn with some knees. Kane tosses Finn aside to the outside. Kane exits the ring. Drop toe hold and Kane hits the steps! Finn in the ring. Kane enters and Finn hits a kick. Right hands. He rushes with a forearm. Again. Finn ducks a hit but gets caught. Finn drops. Slingblade! Finn with a dropkick, sending Kane into the corner. Balor up top. Kane sits up! Chokeslam in the middle of the ring.

Kane stands above Finn. No pin. He grabs Finn by the throat. Another chokeslam. Kane grabs the throat. a third chokeslam followed by a pin. 1..2….3!!!

Winner:
I know it took 3 chokeslams, but a bit of a shame Finn loses a night after that great win.
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Angle is backstage ordering pizza. Shane McMahon enters and they hug it out. Shane says he’s still feelin a little rough. Angle wants to thank Shane for the services of AJ Styles. Angle wants AJ permanently. Shane says no. Angle says Smackdown wouldn’t stand a chance without AJ. RAW has Braun, Kane, Lesnar. Angle kind of puts down the SD roster. Shane then brings up last year, and Angle says he wasn’t running the show then. Shane says he came here to let Angle know that Smackdown is going to annihilate RAW. They shake hands. Angle is so dorky.

Asuka.

That is all.

Asuka.

Just kiddin, she’s here immediately after we say hi to the Green Bay Packers in the crowd. ‘

She will be in action.


Match 3: Asuka vs Hot Ass Evil Emma

Lockup and Asuka back up Hot Ass Evil Emma into the ropes. Kick from Hot Ass Evil Emma. Kicks from Asuka. Hot Ass Evil Emma with a kick. Arm bar from Asuka out of nowhere! Hot Ass Evil Emma is near the ropes and exits. Asuka with a booty bumpinto Hot Ass Evil Emma. She falls from the apron. Asuka smiles and heads to the outside. Hot Ass Evil Emma sends Asuka into the ring post. Cover from Hot Ass Evil Emma but she’s too close to the ropes. She goes for another, gets 1..2…NO! Hot Ass Evil Emma steps on the hair and pulls Asuka up. Hot Ass Evil Emma with the oduble underhook. She hits a suplex, covers for 1..2..NO! Asuka kicks out. Cravat from behind on Asuka. Elbows from Asuka. She wants the Asuka lock, but gets a backslide. Hot Ass Evil Emma rolls out. Hot Ass Evil Emma with a clothesline. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Hot Ass Evil Emma grabs the hair and whips Asuka into the corner hard. Whip to the corner. Hot Ass Evil Emma with an elbow. She sends Asuka in the corner. asuka hops up and hits a missile dropkick off the top! Both girls up. Hot Ass Evil Emma with a right. Asuka fires back. They go back and forth. Hot Ass Evil Emma misses a couple, so Asuka hits a flurry of moves, then a German Suplex. Asuka hits the ropes. Booty Bump to the face. Cover for 1..2…..NO! Hot Ass Evil Emma sends Asuka into the corner. She locks up from behind and rolls her up for 1..2…NO!!!

Asuka with the Asuka Lock! Hot Ass Evil Emma taps! Booker MMMMMs.

Winner: Asuka

Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Alexa Bliss is in the ring to brag about her win. She can put Mickie in the past now, where she belongs. Alexa brings up Survivor Series, and her match against Natalya. She calls nattie a cat lady and tells her that there may be two brands, but at Survivor Series, there’s only one goddess. Alexa says week after week, she gets zero respect while Finn and AJ stare at each other in the ring for like 10 minutes, and the entire arena chanted “THIS IS AWESOME.” She says the crowd hands out chants like Halloween candy, but where is her chants? Is it because she’s not old? Because she doesn’t have a kid? No, just like Mickie James, everyone is jealous of her. We’re going to put that aside and try something. She knows we’re in the Midwest, which means she’ll have to spell everything out for them. She’s going to say a chant, and we will say it back like the sheep that we are.

Alexa wants the crowd to chant, “YOU DESERVE IT”

The crowd doesn’t seem too into it. Alexa wonders if she went slow enough. Alexa deserves appreciation, she is The Goddess, and we will chant for her.

Mickie James is back from the past! Wow, she’s fast!

She heads down to the ring. Mickie sizes up Alexa, then just attacks her! MickieDT to Alexa! That’s not nice.

Mickie tells Alexa she DOES deserve it.

Ok….

Backstage, Sasha and Bayley are giving Kurt some props. Sasha….mmmm

Angle says that RAW needs a captain for the Women’s match. In comes Alicia Fox to be weird and annoying. Angle says this will be settled in the ring. Alicia’s schtick is just not…..good.

Angle tells Alicia that pinfalls only count inside of the ring.

So, who wants to walk with Elias? He starts to sing but there’s some static and it upsets Eli. Loud Go Pack Go chant. ELi grabs the mic and says he’s gonna grab the tech and beat his ass.

Jordan comes out mockingly saying he can’t hear Elias.

You want another rematch? I’ll get ya another rematch.


Match 4: Elias vs Jason Jordan

Eli pulls back on the mouth from behind. Cravat from behind. Jordan tries to spin out of it, but Eli refuses to break the hold. Jordan eventually escapes with a side suplex. Eli with a right hook. Jordan fights out of the corner. Chop from Eli. Right hand is blocked and Jordan fights out of the corner. T-Bone suplex, a belly to belly over the head suplex. Eli goes to the outside, and Jordan follows. Right hand and Jordan lifts Eli and rushes him into the barricade. Jordan drives Eli into the barricade again. One more times!

Jordan rushes for another move, but Eli has his guitar and cracks the shit out of Jason Jordan!!!!

Winner: Jason Jordan via DQ
Commentary, you really screwed the pooch here.
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

Jordan and Corey are arguing over commentary while Jordan writhes in pain.

Brock Lesnar is here! You know what’s funny, says Heyman? The way we all react to the introduction of Brock Lesnar, because someone has a problem with the word “undisputed.” Someone wants to dispute the fact that Brock Lesnar is THE champion in WWE. This same someone who is over on Smackdown Live has barely survived Orton and Shinsuke. He’s now sitting at home planning how to barely survive the potential title challenge of AJ Styles. Meanwhile, over here on the flagship show, Brock has eaten through the single most stacked heavyweight division in the history of the WWE. That is undisputed. Know what else? That will live in the age of trash talking. Everyone wants to hurl insults, not give props, run down their opponent and be the king of the trash talk. The King of the Trash Talk is the advocate with the mic in his hand right now.

And yet, despite the fact that we clamor for him to trash talk, Heyman does not trash talk Brock’s opponents because anyone deemed worthy to fight Brock must be a real man and have a whole lot of merit. He didn’t trash talk Goldberg, he praised him. He didn’t trash talk Samoa Joe or Braun Strowman. “But you???” Jinder Mahal??!? The make-believe Maharaja with The Singh along brothers doing Heyman’s schtick of introducing him? Jinder isn’t in Brock’s league. You’re not even a worthy pretender to the throne. We think of Bruno, Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Ric Flair, HHH, Michaels, Cena, and Brock Lesnar. WE don’t think of Jinder Mahal. He was a consolation prize champion offered to Smackdown when Shane and Bryan got the shaft in the Superstar shakeup. ANd don’t think that Brock is here to defend the honor of RAW. There is no battle for brand supremacy. Any brand with Brock is the Number One Brock Lesnar. That’s undisputed. Jinder disputes this, and because of that, Jinder is going to Suplex City. It gets worse, because that’s where his night only begins. The last time a Smackdown superstar stepped into this ring to fight Brock, they had to stop the match. The locker room was in an uproar. Why? Because that night, Brock violated every single rule, regulation, and moral boundary of the PG era. So Jinder, your challenge is hereby accepted.

Fuckin Heyman, man. haha.


Match 5: Sasha Banks vs Alicia Fox vs Bayley

Alicia shoves Sasha and hits a Northern Lights Suplex on Bayley for a 1. Alicia attacks Sasha, and hits another Northern Lights into a pin for 1..2..NO! Alicia with a cravat from behind. Right hand to Sasha. Bayley grabs Alicia and hits a few right hands. Alicia sends Bayley to the outside to officially check off Box 1 of Triple Threat Cliches. She sends Sasha into the corner head first then whips her to the ropes. Sasha with a kick. Bayley back in. Double dropkick sends Alicia to the outside, and now the faces look at each other realizing what’s gotta go down. Alicia sees and rushes in the ring only to get tossed right back out. Stereo baseball slides into Alicia.

Back from a break, and Sasha is hittin a hurricanrana onto Alicia. She heads to the top rope, but Alicia is thee to stop her. she slaps Sasha a couple of times. She stands Sasha uip. Bayley is in the ring. She goes under Alicia. We get the powerbomb/suplex combo. Bayley covers ALicia for 1..2…NO!! Sasha rolls to the outside. Bayley with an elbow to the back of the head. Knee to the face. Bayley runs with a swinging neckbreaker. Cover for 1..2..NO! Bayley rushes the corner, and Alicia hits an elbow then a big boot. Cover for 1..2…NO!! Alicia screams that she doesn’t want to play this game. She then leaves the ring and heads to the bell dude. She calls him cupcake then grabs the bell and rings it over and over. The ref yells at Alicia to stop. Alicia turns and kicks Sasha, who is on the outside. Bayley with a Bayley to Belly! Cover for 1..2…NO!!!! Sasha stops the pin! Bayley with a right hand. Sasha goes. They go back and forth. Sasha with a kick. Bayley with a clothesline into some punches. Side suplex from Bayley! She waits. Alicia is behind her, mocking her. Alicia turns her. Bayley to Belly! Alicia kicks Bayley out. Alicia turns to Sasha, goes for the scissors kick, but Sasha grabs the leg!!! Bank Statement!!! Alicia tries to reach the ropes but it won’t matter.

Alicia kicks Sasha INTO Bayley! Damn, it looks like they hit heads. Alicia covers Bayley! 1….2…..3!!!!

Winner:
Alicia’s “crazy” character does absolutely nothing for me. It’s not entertaining nor is it heelish. It’s just dumb, and people simply don’t care about her enough for this to matter.
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **1/4

Enzo and his crew come down to the ring. They all do his dance. Gulak brings up his Powerpoint Presentation being cut short. He cannot watch while a visionary like Enzo, is being held down by the man. Gulak has a written statement by Enzo, who is suffering from a vocal chord injury. Drew Gulak reads off Enzo’s Can’t teach that thing horribly. “HOW ARE YOU DOING?” haha. Enzo may have lsot his voice, but he did not lose his title. Kalisto is a bigger let down than the Green Bay Packers. Gulak calls Kalisto Aaron Rodgers. As for tonight, team Lucha Lucha, there’s only one word to describe you and they are going to spell it out for us. Each man gets a letter, and Enzo ends it with a T.

Ok, so Team Lucha Lucha is Grand Metalik, Mustafa Ali, Rich Swann, and Kalisto


Match 6: Grand Metalik, Mustafa Ali, Cedric Alexander, Rich Swann, and Kalisto vs Enzo Amore, Drew Gulak, Noam Dar, Ariya Daivari, and Tony Nese

Kalisto wants Enzo to start, but it ain’t happening. Kalisto ducks a move from Daivari then kicks him in the face. Tag to Nese. Tag to Metalik. Whip to the ropes, and Nese rolls over Grand. Kick to the gut. Springboard flip into the ropes, run, bounces off the ropes with an arm drag. Whip to the corner, and Grand walks the ropes. Missile dropkick. Dar and Daivari enter the ring, so Swann and Cedric dropkick them back to the outside. The heels are on the outside while Kalisto tries to hit the ropes. Drew on the apron, says this is a no fly zone. All four men aside Kalisto move forward with a superkick to Drew! He flies back on top of the heels.

Back from a break, and Noam is tagging in Drew. Drew grabs Rich Swann, tags in Daivari, then holds Rich for an attack. Ariya whips, misses a clothesline. Double cross body in the middle of the ring. Nice. Outside, everyone is attacking everyone! Tag to Kalisto. Tag to Enzo. His goons are all knocked out. Rich with an enziguri. Tag to Enzo. Enzo isn’t down. Enzo grabs Drew then enters the ring. Tag to Kalisto. Kalisto kicks. Hits the ropes. Springboard spinning kick. Whip to the corner. Running knee. Firemans roll over into a kick and a cover for 1.2….NO!! Drew and Tony are there to stop it. Grand and are in to toss them right out. Enzo flies off the top rope with a DDT! He covers for 1..2..NO!!! Cedric and Mustafa stop the pin. Rich and Grand are on the corners. Cedric and Mustafa flip over the top rope!!

Metalik and Swann off the corners! In the middle of the ring, Kalisto hits Salida Del Sol! Pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winners: Kalisto, Grand Metalik, Rich Swann, Cedric Alexander, and Mustafa Ali
Fun for what time they had.
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

On behalf of the RAW Superstars, Kurt wants us to know that they cannot wait for Survivor Series. Kurt cuts the same promo that he did at the open of the show. haha.

Kurt is here to announce his five men, but he is interrupted by Shane McMahon!

He’s coming down from the crowd, and it looks like he brought the Smackdown Live roster along with him! New Day, Baron Corbin (Ah, because he totally gives a shit about Smackdown), Rusev, Mojo and Zack, Becky and Tamina and basically most of the roster.

Shane gets in the ring and stares down Angle. Angle looks like a man out of his wits. Shane steps up to Angle.

“Under Siege,” says Shane.

Also a good pair of movies with Steven Seagal.

Angle leaves the ring.

Shane calls for his blue team, and says, “Go get him!”

What….the fuck….is going on?

The Smackdown roster heads backstage while Cole flips out. We see Smackdown unite and head backstage to run into…

Titus and Apollo.

Smackdown attacks Titus and Apollo! The girls watch. Because they can’t hit men. Rusev with a superkick to Apollo. He misses, but we aren’t supposed to know that. Baron finds as stagehand and grabs him by the head then tosses him. Roode and Tye break a television because it says RAW. The roster continues their rampage. Becky calls out the makeup chicks. Because that’s totally in her character. Goldust and Hawkins try and defend RAW’s honor, but are attacked and left by a bunch of kegs.

They enter a locker room. Finn and Matt come out of the showers. What were they doing?! Smackdown attacks them. I think that’s Jason Jordan getting mauled by Dolph and Tye Dillinger. Oh shit, Shinsuke is there, too.

We head to another locker room to find Big E choking someone with his foot in a locker. Power of Positivity at its best.

The blue roster continues until they run into Sasha, Bayley, Alicia, and Mickie. See, their brand unity is stronger than the match they JUST had 20 minutes ago. The Smackdown girls attack and leave the RAW women defeated.

The blue brand continue their trek. Seth is waiting in the shadows from high above. He jumps off and attacks, but there are too many people. Hey, look, AJ Styles – the guy who just teamed with Dean Ambrose earlier, is now beating down Dean Ambrose!

Baron and Rusev bring Kurt Angle into the back, carrying him like he’s a crazy uncle that is getting taken out of the party. They walk Kurt back towards the stage, and it looks like back to the ring.

Angle, now able to walk on his own, stares Shane down. Shane says, at Survivor Series, he wants Angle to bring his gold medal, what’s left of the RAW roster, and they’re going to finish what they started. It’s True.

This was….one of the dumbest, least sense making, lacking of continuity writing of RAW I’ve seen in some time. Seriously, this was so bad for so many reasons. Want me to explain? I will, just click the image!

End Show

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RAW, Tony Acero