wrestling / Columns

Cook’s WWE Hell in a Cell 2018 Report Card

September 18, 2018 | Posted by Steve Cook
Ronda Rousey Natalya WWE Hell in a Cell Image Credit: WWE

Hi, hello & welcome to the Hell in a Cell Report Card! You might have thought you were done with me, but nah, you just get me on a delay. Which I figure will be for the best, as I tend to be in a better mood when I’m not putting off bedtime to watch these never-ending extravaganzas WWE produces every month. Oddly enough, this change coincides with WWE making these shows tighter & more enjoyable, at least from where I sit. Would the trend continue for Hell in a Cell?

The Kickoff Show panel consisted of Jonathan Coachman, Paige, Booker T & Peter “Larry Csonka’s Favorite Media Personality” Rosenberg. Tom Phillips, Byron Saxton & Corey Graves called the SmackDown matches while Graves joined Michael Cole & Renee Young for Raw’s portion of the show.

Kickoff Show Match for the SmackDown Tag Team Championship: New Day’s Big E & Kofi Kingston (w/Xavier Woods) (c) vs. Rusev Day’s Aiden English & Rusev (w/Lana)

The pre-match entertainment from each squad gets an A from me and gets the early arrivals into it. Kofi’s agility might work against Aiden English, but not so much against Rusev’s strength. Rusev wears Kofi down for awhile, but then Big E tags in and takes English to a suburb of Suplex City. There’s probably an alternate universe where Big E & Rusev regularly main event SmackDown. Big E nearly kills himself on the spear to the floor, then English nearly dives into the first row! He’s the legal man and gets a near-fall, but the Kofi doublestomp off the shoulders of Big E…doesn’t get three. Kofi gets launched by Big E over the top rope into a Machka kick on the floor! English uses the apron for a DDT! He tags in when Rusev wasn’t expecting, and Rusev misses the diving headbutt! English’s splash gets two, then he locks in the Accolade! Rusev Machka kicks Big E while Kofi struggles in the hold. Rusev gets launched to the floor, and he’s held by Big E while Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise for the three count!

Fun opening sprint to get the crowd going. The scuttlebutt is that Rusev Day will split at some point, which we can say about every tag team that exists, but I wouldn’t mind them sticking together. Mostly because I don’t have faith that they have something better to do with Rusev.

Grades
English & Rusev: B
Kofi & Big E: B

Hell in a Cell Match: Jeff Hardy vs. Randy Orton

To be perfectly honest, this feud hasn’t done anything for me. It wouldn’t have been my first, second or even third choice for SmackDown’s Cell match, but I assume Jeff wants to do something stupid and that got them to book the match inside it. Jeff probably made his longest entrance ever tonight. So, let’s talk about this red Cell gimmick while these two beat each other up. I’m not a huge fan of it, but I get the idea. It could use a different look after twenty-one years. WWE had a big blue cage for years and we still fondly remember it. TNA had a red cage and it was pretty terrible, but that was mostly because you couldn’t see through it. The red cell kinda hurts the eyes, but you can see the match through it. We’ve already seen a table, a ladder & a chair emerge from under the ring, which isn’t exactly shocking. Did Orton bring his kids to the show? There’s a group of youngsters up front that keep chanting Randy. Nothing worse than a smart mark kid, am I right? I was one myself, so I should know. We reach the part where Hardy takes punishment. Nice front suplex on a upside down ladder by Orton. Very technically sound. Repeated chairshots to Hardy’s back inside the ring. Hardy’s studded belt gets undone somehow & Orton decides to whip him with it. He entwines Hardy’s head through one of the holes in the ladder & stomps away. CHINLOCK! If that doesn’t finish Jeff off I don’t know what will. I’ll be damned, Hardy fought out of it. Orton eats some traditional Jeff offense but responds with a snap powerslam. Then he finds a tool box under the ring like Triple H did in that Kevin Nash match. They’ve been calling back to that a lot lately. He gets a screwdriver and has some fun with Jeff’s ear. Some of you probably loved it because you’re weird like that. Me, I couldn’t even look at it. Not my thing. Hardy fights back with the belt & some chairshots to the back. Orton’s back is all cut up thanks to the belt. He fights back, crotching Hardy on the top rope, hitting the draping DDT & missing the RKO. Twist of Fate! He places a chair on top of Orton and hits the Swanton Bomb for two. Construction time! Hardy sets up a ladder & table in the middle of the ring, positions Orton onto the table & climbs up top. After monkey barring on the top of the Cell, Hardy swings himself through the table! Orton demands a three count over Hardy’s corpse, which only makes sense because he wants that winners’ share of the purse. The EMTs rush down. This might be the quickest I’ve ever seen a stretcher job get setup.

Well, you gotta give them credit. You knew Jeff was going to do something stupid, and he lived up to his end of it. The whole screwdriver bit seemed needless to me, and Orton’s time on offense was what it was, but it was exactly what one would have expected from a Jeff Hardy Hell in a Cell match.

Grades
Hardy: A
Orton: B

AJ Styles claims that he built Hell in a Cell. Was the red his idea then?

WWE SmackDown Women’s Championship Match: Charlotte Flair (c) vs. Becky Lynch

People have been telling me that Becky’s obviously not a heel and there’s no such thing as faces & heels in WWE. They might be onto something as I watch the video package…do they really expect people to boo a woman wearing nerdy glasses to set up a sneak attack? Talk about catnip for lonely wrestling fans. Some attempts at chain wrestling to start. Becky targets the arm of Charlotte, even utilizing the Pentagon arm-breaker. Doesn’t get much of a pop out of this audience. She works the hammerlock. Apron bump! Second of the evening in case you’re keeping track of such things. Oh, not the moonsault. Bad idea, Charlotte. Charlotte powerbombs Becky out of an armbar attempt & they begin trading shots. Becky sure is licking her lips a lot, she might not be used to working these longer matches lately. She locks in the Disarmer too close to the ropes. Charlotte gets out and looks for a spear, but Becky reverses it into a twisting DDT for the three count! That came out of nowhere. I really hope they don’t do the Charlotte walks off in tears after the winner leaves first gimmick, it won’t come off well here. Charlotte wants to raise Becky’s hand, but Becky won’t have any of it and leaves.

I’m assuming that this leads to Charlotte breaking Trish Stratus’s record at Evolution. Boy will that make some people happy, let me tell ya! It’s good to see Becky finally get her moment anyway.

Grades
Flair: B
Lynch: B

Miz & Shawn Michaels teaming up against Becky Lynch in the latest Marine movie. That should be…something. Just like the New Day’s backstage segment was something!

Raw Tag Team Championship Match: Dolph Ziggler & Drew McIntyre (c) vs. Seth Rollins & Dean Ambrose

Hell in a Cell seems to be said the same way in most languages. Ziggler & Rollins start, and I think we’re all happy there isn’t a clock ticking on a screen. Rollins & Ambrose definitely on the same page as a tag team. McIntyre & Ambrose going at it like men. Ambrose gets to eat a beating from the tag champs for a little bit, then Rollins gets the hot tag. The tide turns quickly with a Drew distraction leading to a Dolph DDT, and now it’s time for Rollins to get beat down.

“Dean Ambrose looks like he wants a piece of this pie.” – Renee Young

I’ll leave that one alone. Dolph wants Seth to do something, and Seth does something for a few seconds before Dolph goes to the sleeper. An attempted tag by Seth goes poorly. He gets one, but the referee didn’t see it. Don’t you hate it when that happens? The tag, when it finally happens, is a bit toasty. Some interesting attempted moves by Ambrose here. Rollins’ dive onto Dolph & Drew doesn’t work out, but Ambrose’s does! Gotta put some weight behind it. Rollins does the deal and gets a two count! A Buckle Bomb gets the same, and it’s all going crazy right now. The Zig Zag gets two! SUPER KICKS to Drew, Frog splash by Rollins gets two and I think Cole’s going to have a stroke at ringside. Dolph breaks up the double superplex attempt, Drew with a kip up after a clothesline off the top! There is a finish eventually after all this insanity, and it comes when Seth gets Claymore kicked in the middle of his rolling superplex into the deal & Dolph falls on top for the three count. Well that was crazy. Drew carries a lifeless Dolph off over his shoulders.

There was a lot of stuff going on there. Maybe a bit too much. But hey, it was entertaining & made the folks happy. Keeping the belts on Dolph & Drew makes sense. You don’t want to give the Shield all the belts right away, if at all. Make them chase it.

Grades
Dolph & Drew: A
Seth & Dean: A

Mick Foley has a conversation with Braun Strowman. It goes as well as it possibly could.

We get a replay of Night Night AJ, Samoa Joe’s new best-selling children’s book.

WWE Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) vs. Samoa Joe

AJ starts out like a house affire. Joe responds with some shots in the corner. That dropkick from Styles is always a game changer. He knocks Joe goofy for a little bit, but it isn’t long before Joe launches into the Greatest Hits. Styles runs through some of his too, it’s been awhile since that flipping reverse DDT looked so good. That Lionsault didn’t look so good though, and it leads to Joe working through every submission he knows. Styles survives, but a rack bomb & a springboard 450 can’t get it done either. Joe turns the tide with a big ol’ clothesline that looks like it killed Styles. Welp, it looks like it did kill Styles’ mouth. We gots some blood, y’all. AJ’s still fighting, and goes for that Phenomenal Forearm, but Joe ducks it & locks in the Coquina Clutch! AJ goes all Bret Hart and uses the ropes to vault himself into a pinning combination for the three count. Joe is outraged, claiming that AJ tapped out to the Clutch. Joe raises the belt all like he won, but AJ kicks him out of the ring.

The replay from a different angle shows that Joe is…right? Well how about that. And before the three count too. Something tells me this feud will be ongoing. Which is fine with me.

Grades
Styles: B+
Joe: B

Ronda Rousey doing some shadow boxing because she’s known for her stand-up game.

Miz & Maryse are adorable in their matching jackets & sunglasses.

Daniel Bryan & Brie Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse

Maryse opts to allow Miz to start, much to the dismay of many in the IWC it has to be Bryan vs. Miz & not Brie vs. Miz. Bryan gets the better of it early. Lots of punches to Miz’s moneymaker. Maryse does a lot of running around, which she’s pretty good at. Bryan misses a kick in the corner & Miz goes to the chinlock, which gives him occasion to talk some smack to Brie. Why Bryan is still doing the diving headbutt (and missing) I have no idea. Bryan finally gets the tag to Brie, much to Maryse’s dismay. Miz gets some punishment from Brie, then Brie finally gets to smack Maryse’s head against the announce table. Miz takes Bryan down outside. Brie’s still kicking some butt, but Miz breaks up the pin attempt! Bryan’s all like “Don’t grab my wife’s foot!”. Yes kicks to Miz & Maryse, but they both duck out of the way of the last one. Miz & Maryse try to leave but don’t get far. BRIE MODE! After some chain wrestling, Maryse manages to roll Brie up and use the tights to get the win!

Goofy looking finish aside, that was some fun stuff there. The trials & tribulations of the Bryan family continue, as does the blessed life of the Mizanins. Miz got his eyebrow busted too, I wonder if it was Bryan or Brie that did it.

Grades
Mizanins: B+
Danielsons: B+

WWE Raw Women’s Championship Match: Ronda Rousey (c) vs. Alexa Bliss

Alexa & her entourage of Alicia Fox & Mickie James are the better dressed crew over Ronda & Natalya. So she’s got that going for her. Ronda’s throws are pretty gosh-darn dangerous. They’re like snowflakes, really. Each one is different. Mickie tries to grab Ronda’s ankle, but misses, and Alexa charges right into her crew. It’s all right though, Alexa finally gets some offense here. Ronda’s ribs have been targeted in the build, so the abdominal stretch has some meaning here. Ronda does a good job selling that injury, while Bliss works it over & talks some smack. Mickie & Alica try to interfere and it ends up as well for them as you’d expect. Bliss maintains control though & talks some smack…but Rousey Rondas up and there’s a powerbomb! She runs through a series of moves, locks in an armbar & Alexa taps immediately.

It might have went a little longer than it should have, but I thought Ronda did a great job on defense. Even if she shouldn’t be doing it often against Alexa Bliss, it was good to see that she can excel in that area.

Grades
Rousey: B
Bliss: B

Joe is mad at the referee. Paige comes in & gives Joe a rematch at Super Showdown in Australia. Joe wants no DQs, no countouts & no excuses, and Paige is good with that.

WWE Universal Championship Hell in a Cell Match with Mick Foley as Special Guest Referee: Roman Reigns (c) vs. Braun Strowman

<b>WWE Universal Championship Hell in a Cell Match with Mick Foley as Special Guest Referee: Roman Reigns (c) vs. Braun Strowman</b>

They don’t waste time. Braun throws Roman around some. Reigns gets an offensive move in before Braun shoulder tackles him into next week. Foley keeping his distance for the most part. Apron bump! They laid off on that for awhile. We got a Singapore Cane sighting. Braun prefers the chair, but he gets the business end of it more often than not. Oh shit, that sure looked like a three count on that chokeslam by Braun. The announcers say that Foley’s a little rusty at officiating, which is accurate. Roman does his pose and then runs right into a steps shot from Braun. OK, that was pretty hilarious. Braun uses the steps some more. The running powerslam gets two, so Braun opts to use the table. He goes through it due to a spear by Reigns, so that didn’t work out too well for him.

Ziggler & McIntyre emerge at ringside, so Rollins & Ambrose join them. Y’know, if the Shield wanted to keep Dolph out of the Cell they should have just let him keep running instead of making him stay down at ringside. We’re clearing out announce tables. Dolph starts climbing the cell, so Seth follows him up. Foley’s gotta be pissed that these guys have climbing holes to utilize. Back in his day, man. Rollins & Ziggler go at it up on top, and McIntyre joins them. Ambrose comes up top with a cane. The fans buy into all this, chanting that it’s awesome while Reigns & Strowman take a breather. Dean wears out Dolph with the stick, but Drew blocks it and they start brawling. After the four-way knockout spot Ziggler tries to climb down. Rollins follows him and they start punching each other halfway down so they can fly through the tables together.

After that, somebody played Brock Lesnar’s music. He added a beard and lost the Jimmy John’s sponsorship. Paul Heyman was very foulmouthed, and Lesnar kicked the door off the hinges. The same fans that were all like “Brock sold out” a month ago are playing out of his hands now. Heyman maces Foley! Brock’s hitting Roman & Braun with pieces of the table. F-5 for Braun. F-5 for Roman on top of Braun. Lesnar & Heyman leave. The new referee calls for the bell and we have ourselves a no-contest in a Hell in a Cell match. Well then.

The action was good while it lasted, I gotta say. Not sure about the booking to make Brock look like King Everything, but it was certainly a unique way to end one of these events.

Grades
Reigns: B-
Strowman: B

Final Thought

This was easily one of the best WWE events of 2018. There weren’t too many matches like there traditionally are on these things. They booked less people, but the people that did get booked got a chance to tell a story & do some work. Nothing on the show was outright terrible…well, ok, the finish to the main event wasn’t great and I have zero interest in Brock Lesnar in 2018.

I’ll tell you one thing though, and it’s the main thought I have coming out of this show. I marvel at Brock Lesnar’s ability to keep getting money out of WWE. You have to respect it. The guy works part-time. His matches are decent at best. He has somebody do his talking for him, which is an extra paycheck. His booking has derailed Raw’s main event scene & hampered WWE’s ability to make sure everybody knows that Roman Reigns is the Big Dog.

I don’t know why they keep bringing Brock back. Well, other than the fact that the WWE Universe pop for his inevitable returns. They don’t remember that they dislike him until Vince has their money. As far as business plans go, I’ve seen a lot worse.

I don’t have a lot of hope for things coming out of this show, but it was a very good night of wrestling.

Speaking of very good nights of wrestling, if you’d like to see more of those you can check out powerslam.tv for world-class pro wrestling events from around the globe!

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