Cook’s WWE No Mercy 2017 Report Card

Hi, hello & welcome to the WWE No Mercy Report Card! It was so so so nice having some time between WWE Network events. Don’t get used to that being a thing, because we got a ton of them coming up. Tonight is Raw’s No Mercy, featuring two WRESTLEMANIA-QUALITY MAIN EVENTS and some other stuff.zz

Here’s how I grade the WWE SuperStars…

A – Outstanding. Great moves, selling, interaction with the fans, everything. Stands out as a top performer.
B – Above Average. Very good offensively or defensively. Plays their role well. Helps the match accomplish what it set out to do.
C – Average. The type of performance that does nothing to stand out. No outstanding moves, no great effort to sell their opponent’s offense or draw the crowd into what they’re doing, just bland, basic wrestling. Sometimes, especially in a multi-man match, a short period of time spent in the ring without a chance to do too much.
D – Below Average. Poor execution, ignoring the crowd, not doing things that make sense.
F – Failure. Not doing anything useful. Actively holding the match back from accomplishing its objective.

Notable Kickoff Show business:
-Miz cutting a promo on Kurt Angle at the desk
-Charly Caruso & Alexa Bliss in the Social Media Lounge

That’s all one needs to know about that.

Apollo Crews (w/Titus O’Neil) vs Elias: I expect Elias’s song to be the highlight of this match. The main point of the song was that he can’t stand LA. Mountain Dew Kickstart sponsors this match. ARM DRAG! You don’t see that move nearly enough these days, and Elias seems to be a practitioner of the craft. He then works the headlock and we get some traditional wrestling with takeovers and headscissors and things of that nature. Corey Graves compares Titus O’Neil to the guy that funded Smoky Mountain Wrestling. Jim Cornette should give him a call. We’re back from watching the Bengals lose and Elias took control with a clothesline. After some more basic moves Crews comes back with his standing shooting star. Misses up top, Elias hits the Drift Away and gets the three count.

Grades
Crews: C
Elias: C+

30 seconds after the match and I’ve already forgotten everything about it. It wasn’t bad, it was just one of those matches that was a match and was there. Elias should get longer set times.

Mountain Dew & Little Cesar’s present No Mercy. Diet Mountain Dew, chicken & tater tots present my recap.

WWE Intercontinental Championship Match: The Miz (c) (w/The Miztourage) vs Jason Jordan: Miz is the hometown hero tonight. Hey, if I was from Cleveland I’d say I was from Hollywood too. Jordan’s green & yellow color scheme isn’t doing him any favors with me tonight. I do dig that vertical suplex. Miz of course takes the advantage and locks in the cravate. A DDT gets 2 for Miz. I don’t think the fans were asking Miz who his daddy was. Jordan nearly gets 3 with a clothesline off the top. Miz’s Yes kicks get interrupted by a throw by Jordan. The fans are solidly behind the hometown boy here. I wonder if Vince McMahon thinks that Jordan is tremendously over because of the boos. Jordan suplexes Dallas into Miz & Axel in a fun little spot, back into the ring & Jordan locks in the crossface. Miz breaks the hold. The Miztourage gets involved as their man is in trouble. Bo Dallas nearly dies and that distracts the referee as Axel cheapshots Jordan & Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale.

Grades
Miz: C
Jordan: C

Renee Young joins Jordan in the ring. He doesn’t respect the Miz and wants a rematch. Miz sucks! So did that promo, and the match wasn’t good either. This won’t be a popular sentiment, but I don’t like faces that get booed & heels that get cheered. Are we supposed to boo Miz because he says he’ll be a good father? Do we not like good fathers? I mean, people hate LaVar Ball so maybe there’s a point in that logic. Are we supposed to cheer Jason Jordan just because he’s Kurt Angle’s son? There’s just a lack of rhyme and reason to all this that makes it all end up flat and accomplishing nothing. The match was fine, and the live fans liked it because Miz won, but I don’t think that was WWE’s goal when this feud began.

If nothing else I think we figured out what side of the divide Jason Jordan needs to be on.

Finn Balor vs Bray Wyatt: Bray attacks Finn during the entrance and the referees come out to check on him. There may be a rib injury of some sort. I dunno, I feel like Finn’s going to shake the referees off and compete anyway. Bray talks some smack on the microphone & tells Finn to run away. Bray says he’s a god to no reaction. LA doesn’t believe in God, ya silly fool. Sure enough, Bray’s taunts are enough to get Finn back to the ring in spite of his serious injuries. Finn sure is flying around well for a man with busted ribs. A superplex for Bray off the top swings the momentum. Bray does well playing to the camera sometimes. Finn using the old Finlay apron spot! PK! Bray’s face bounces off the Spanish announce table. FTR sign! Bray does the crabwalk and apparently Finn’s never seen that before. Sling Blade! Wyatt fights back with a seated senton for a two count. Double stomp from Finn off the top to a bent over Bray gets a two count. Wyatt fights back with a big ol’ right hand. Not a lot of finesse there. Coup de gras wins it!

Grades
Balor: B
Wyatt: B

Pretty solid effort here. I wasn’t a big fan of the feud in general and didn’t know why it continued after SummerSlam. I guess it was to prove that it doesn’t just take THE DEMON KING for Finn Balor to beat Bray Wyatt. Which is fine to get Balor up to the next level. It doesn’t do much for Bray, but WWE has never really seemed too concerned about that.

Asuka is coming on October 22. Tables, Ladders & Chairs! And Asuka.

Charly Caruso is all about The Bar. I am all about Charly Caruso.

WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Match: Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins (c) vs Cesaro & Sheamus: Cesaro & Sheamus keep harping on how Ambrose & Rollins aren’t much of a team compared to them. It’s true. Watch their entrances. Cesaro’s blends seamlessly into Sheamus’s, while Rollins & Ambrose have to enter separately because they bump into each other when they come out together. Well apparently we won’t get to see all the announce teams. Oh, now we do! Have we figured out if that’s actually Ray Rougeau or not? I’ve heard conflicting reports. Ambrose is running around like a maniac at the start, which works temporarily. It ends with Ambrose getting swung into the steps, which is not fun. Ambrose takes that punishment for awhile. Cesaro likes working those arm bars. Maybe that’s where they came up with the bar gimmick. Cesaro gets catapulted into the ringpost & dude eats it! Hot tag to Rollins and he’s on fire. Rollins superkicks a bloody Cesaro! He gets the hell out of there to count his teeth while Sheamus takes control. The replay of Cesaro getting busted is pretty gross. Blood marks gonna love this match. Sheamus runs into the post and avoids getting killed. Cesaro flies over the top & onto the floor. Tag to Ambrose and he goes crazy like usual. …dive! Elbow off the top gets two. Some double teaming by the Bar gets broken up by Rollins. But not for long, as Cesaro locks in the Sharpshooter on Ambrose! Cesaro switches to the crossface, which is apparently the move of the night. Double Irish Cross gets a two count! That really shouldn’t be used for a near-fall. White Noise on Ambrose and a powerbomb off the top on Rollins onto Ambrose gets a two count! Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Ambrose tricks Sheamus into a small package for two. Brogue Kick to Cesaro! Knee by Rollins & Dirty Deeds by Ambrose gets the three count!

Grades
Ambrollins: B
The Bar: A

Gotta give the Bar the higher grade since Cesaro sacrificed his million-dollar smile & both Sheamus & Cesaro did a lot of work while Rollins & Ambrose took turns selling. The whole finisher killing bit isn’t my thing but it works great for WWE crowds so I can’t really knock it. You gotta give the people what they want. It’s the wave of the future.

WWE Raw Women’s Championship Fatal 5-Way Match: Alexa Bliss (c) vs Emma vs Bayley vs Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax: Michael Cole with some Grade A asskissing in honor of Stephanie McMahon’s birthday. She created the Women’s Revolution, you know. Alexa is so disgusted with life. Bayley’s headband & Sasha’s jacket are getting auctioned off for the Connor’s Cure foundation, which is a better cause than most auctioning off of women’s wrestling gear that I’ve seen. Alexa & Nia get knocked out early so Bayley & Sasha can team up on Emma for a second & then tease a fight. It lasts a few seconds before Nia butts in. Headbutt! Emma gets tossed off like yesterday’s garbage. And her spine gets busted as well. Alexa breaks up that pinfall & Nia goes all ratchet on her. She squashes Alexa & Emma in opposite corners. Nia is nothing without Alexa…well, maybe not since she gets Alexa & Sasha up on her shoulders for a Samoan Drop. Bayley breaks up the pin. She gets a guillotine choke for a second there & Alexa & Emma help eliminate them from the Royal Rumble. Now Alexa & Emma get to fight. Nia gets powerbombed to the floor by Bayley & Emma with assistance from Alexa & Sasha. That might take her out of the equation for a minute or two. The others go at it for a bit. Emma likes those double underhook suplexes. Crossbody in the corner gets two. Sasha back in, hits a bulldog on Emma and a running knee gets 2. Sasha gets Alexa into the Bank Statement, Bayley breaks it up to continue the match! Bayley to Belly gets two thanks to Sasha! And now Nia is back. Whoops. Big ol legdrop on Sasha gets two. Nia goes shoulder first into the post. Bliss with the DDT on Bayley for three!

Grades
Bliss: B+
Emma: B
Bayley: B
Banks: B
Jax: B+

Good effort from everybody involved, but I thought Nia & Alexa stood out from the pack here. I’m guessing that’s the big feud going forward to play off of Total Divas.

Oh, wait. Asuka. She’ll be here next month. Welp, at least these ladies get a month to live.

Poor Emma.

That Eddie Guerrero vs Batista feud/friendship was a great little piece of business. I loved the story of Eddie trying to be Dave’s friend and everybody just waiting for Latino Heat to show his true colors.

John Cena vs Roman Reigns: Cena walks over to the announce table to chat with Booker T during his entrance. We get a feeling out process to start this WRESTLEMANIA QUALITY MATCH. Cena walks out and Roman drags him back to the ring. Weird psychology here. Cena selling the heck out of these punches. Booker claims it’s trickery, and he may be right. Either way, Reigns is dominant early on here. Slow-paced, methodical. At least until Cena whips him into the stairs. Reigns whips Cena into the steps on the other side of the ring. Drive-By, and Cena’s dome bounces off the padding on the floor. Are they chanting Cena Sucks or CM Punk? I know the Punker is a big fan of the LA Kings mascot. Right hands by Reigns, who’s soaking up the disapproval of the audience. Cena fights back for a second but nah. REAR CHINLOCK! Cena fights back with a shoulder tackle, but Reigns breaks up the comeback briefly. Here it comes. 5 Knuckle Shuffle is met with a Samoan Drop for two. Clotheslines in the corner by Reigns. Cena hits the fistdrop, but the AA attempt is blocked and Cena eats a boot. Reigns punches the mat, misses the Superman punch & Cena locks in the STF! Reigns rolls out of it eventually and wrangles Cena into a sit-out powerbomb for two! Cole had an orgasm during that replay. Cena hits the AA and gets a near-fall! Come on guys, one AA only finishes off the likes of Baron Corbin these days. Cena goes for the top rope Famouser and Roman hits a powerbomb instead for two! Superman punch gets a near fall. Cena dodges another one. He goes for a Super AA from the middle rope…nails it! Two count! Welp, Roman’s winning. The fans want one more Super AA from the middle rope, but Cena has other ideas, clearing the Spanish & German announce tables! I wonder if the two teams talk to each other much, and if so, what language they use. Reigns ends up spearing Cena through the Spanish table because it’s always the Spanish table after all these years. Roman took a header on that one, but he’s ok enough to cover Cena for a two count back in the ring. Another AA by Cena…another AA by Cena. Still a two count? Come on, man. Well, they finally got a faint “This is Awesome” chant, so it’s time to go home. Superman punch, spear, LOL Roman Wins.

Cena raises Reigns’ hand & Reigns gives the nod of respect. Cena gets a “Thank You Cena” chant while walking out, which has to make Triple H all sorts of jealous. I’ll stop short of saying it was a retirement because he didn’t leave his jean shorts out there.

Grades
Cena: C
Reigns: C

Man, I’d like to say this was awesome and worth the hype. These two are the two that everybody in the WWE Universe seem to care about. But yeah, this just wasn’t much. Sorry. The epitome of average, trending towards bad with all the silly finisher killing nonsense that finally kind of popped the crowd but not really.

SNOOP!

Miz apparently has to ask Kurt Angle permission to interview Roman Reigns for Miz TV on Raw tomorrow night.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match: Neville (c) vs Enzo Amore: Enzo wearing a referee suit out here for some reason. He talks for awhile. Eventually we get to the match. Enzo actually did a flip. And then a flip bump. Why the hell does Enzo have a poop emoji on the back of his overalls? There’s really nothing going on here so I’m using the time to catch up on Twitter. Neville beats Enzo up for awhile. Enzo does the Ricky Steamboat skin the cat gimmick and then gets superkicked. Two count. No, I’m really not missing anything on 205 Live, am I? Neville goes up top for the Red Arrow and decides not to do it. He misses the Phoenix Splash from the second rope. Enzo goes up top and hits a nice DDT. Of course it gets two because it actually looks like a finisher. Neville sends Enzo outside, and Enzo takes the Cruiserweight strap from the timekeeper. Great, a babyface thief! The referee takes the title back to the table, Enzo low blows Neville and gets the win. What a great babyface.

Grades
Neville: D
Amore: F

Well, that was a pile of suck. The excuse people have for Enzo’s continued existence, that he’s over with crowds, sure wasn’t on display tonight. I can’t defend Neville too much because he was boring as shit here, but this was a shining example of how badly WWE has botched the Cruiserweight Division. No purple ropes, no special apron, no nothing. Just a bunch of dudes nobody cares about having boring matches & lame feuds. And now the worst worker on the roster this side of Jinder Mahal as champion. Maybe Enzo can revitalize 205 Live the same way Jinder has revitalized SmackDown, right? Heh.

WWE Universal Championship Match: Brock Lesnar (c) vs Braun Strowman: Paul Heyman does Brock’s introduction, which gives me a reason to shout out JoJo. Anyway, let’s hope these two have a lot of fun! Braun is not selling any of Brock’s shit early on here. Running Powerslam gets two! It’s not quite the spear/jackhammer combo. Did Brock lose a tooth too? Corey just made a toothless joke. Braun has a scratch on his face from something or other, but he’s dominating Lesnar here. Brock goes for the Kimura…Braun tries to sling him off but Brock won’t let go. Wouldn’t it be something if Braun was double jointed? He reaches the ropes instead. Spine on the pine by Strowman gets two. Here come some suplexes from Lesnar! Six in this match so far. Braun starting to wear down and so is Brock. F-5? No. Running powerslam? Yes. Braun doesn’t go for the cover though as he is hurt. The fans want tables. They get an F-5. And it gets a three count? Wow, a finisher won a match? Holy crap!

Grades
Lesnar: C
Strowman: C

I’ve been liking most of what these guys have done lately, but this one felt pretty flat.

Final Thought

The hype going into this one was all about how there were two WrestleMania-quality matches headlining this show. I feel the last two or three WrestleManias have been letdowns, so this show fit right in that mold. I liked the tag team & women’s championship matches, so you can check those out if you like. The main events didn’t deliver, and they needed to for this show to be a success. If you missed them you didn’t miss much.

For more of Steve Cook’s thoughts on pro wrestling, along with his thoughts on whatever happens to be going on at any random point in time, follow him on Twitter!