Csonka’s WWE Raw Review 5.06.19

Csonka’s WWE Raw Review 5.06.19

OFFICIAL RESULTS
– Lashley & Baron Corbin defeated Seth Rollins & AJ Styles @ 19:06 via pin [**]
– Lucha House Party defeated Joey, Johnny, & Jimmy Boots & Tights @ 0:15 via pin [NR]
– Ricochet’s MITB Spot on the Line: Ricochet defeated Robert Roode’s Mustache @ 4:18 via pin [**]
– Lacey Evans defeated Jenny Boots & Tights @ 0:40 via pin [NR]
– Non-Title Match: The Viking Raider Machine of War Experience defeated Champions Hawkins & Ryder @ 2:45 via pin [NR]
– Roman Reigns defeated Drew McIntyre @ 14:25 via DQ [**¾]
– WWE Title Match: Champion Kofi Kingston defeated Daniel Bryan @ 17:30 via pin [***¼]

---

https://share.transistor.fm/s/0ab8e407

– Follow all of my reviews at this link.

Vince McMahon Talks Talks: He’s quickly interrupted by Roman Reigns. Vince tells him that he better no Superman punch him again, and tat he doesn’t even belong here. Reigns says that Vince and his kids lied to the fans, and he won’t take their orders anymore, he listens to the WWE Universe. Vince says that this won’t be happening because others would follow. Daniel Bryan now arrives. Bryan says ever since he was robbed of the WWE Title, he’s been in solitude. He was searching for answers, and when he heard that the Big Dog was coming to Raw, he showed up to have a meeting with Vince. Kofi Kingston now shows up. Michael Cole is selling this like a surprise appearance during the Monday Night Wars with the “they don’t even work here” crap. Kofi says Bryan could have come to him with his issues, and Bryan calls him an undeserving champion who won via a fluke. He then calls him a pancake throwing novelty act. Vince then says they should make a wild card rule, where three stars from Smackdown could come to Raw at anytime, and vice versa.

Drew McIntyre now arrives and says this isn’t Smackdown presents Raw. He claims Reigns ran off to Smackdown to avoid him, never mind that Reigns beat him in a lackluster match at Mania. Vince books reigns vs. McIntyre and Bryan vs. Kofi for tonight. Vince claims he’s brilliant. AJ Styles now arrives, because why not. Styles basically asks Vince what the fuck he’s doing, and when Vince plays up the wildcard, Styles calls it very convenient that Reigns is now here to watch Rollins’ back. Styles teases bringing some friends to Smackdown, why I have no clue, and Rollins arrives. He and Styles argue, and Styles claims he’ll win the title at MITB. Vince then books Rollins & Styles as a team tonight, because tag team partners that don’t get along are awesome. Vince has historically put himself on TV when ratings are sliding, and here we are. So the story here is that Roman Reigns wanted to come back to Raw, his bosses said no, he blew them off and showed up anyway and they folded like a cheap suit. I’m so glad that the structure of the brand split has such defined parameters. So they announced the superstar shakeup, ran it for three weeks, and then just invalidated it because ratings suck. Here’s an idea, if you can’t follow the rules you set for your own universe, just drop them. This stunk, and was a fucking rehash of the same shit we’ve been watching for years and years, and never changes. Fuck this show, nothing at all was accomplished here; it was nothing but 25 minutes of bad WWE tropes. I also love that the idea to save Raw’s ratings is to bring in guys from the other show with even lower ratings.

AJ Styles & Seth Rollins vs. Lashley & Baron Fucking Corbin : As if this show wasn’t bad enough, Baron Fucking Corbin is here. Lashley overpowers Styles to begin, but Styles quickly cuts him off with a dropkick. He and Rollins then double team and dump Lashley and then Corbin. Post break and the heels take control, working the heat on Rollins. Rollins starts to fire back, but Corbin quickly cuts him off. Rollins finally cuts him off with the blockbuster, and Styles tags in and works over Lashley until Lashley hits the suicide spear and takes a rough landing. The heels maintain control. Post break and Lashley is working over Styles. Corbin tags in, and manages to absolutely kill the pacing and covers for 2. Rollins gets the hot tag and hits a suicide dive. He dumps Corbin and hits another dive. Lashley cuts him off, but Styles makes the save. Rollins hits an enziguri and superkick. Styles then of course accidentally hits Rollins, and leaves. Corbin then pins Rollins with end of days, because reasons. Lashley & Baron Corbin defeated Seth Rollins & AJ Styles @ 19:06 via pin [**] If it wasn’t so sad, I’d laugh that the idea to help sagging ratings is yet again, another long match involving Baron Corbin. This was ok at best, but went too long and had a shit finish.

– Miz waits on Shane to arrive.

– Sami Zayn arrives. He asks what we have to complain about, wrong night for that question Sami. Braun arrives and kicks his ass and throws him in a dumpster backstage, I’m surprised there is room with the rest of the show in there. The garbage truck arrives and takes him away.

Lucha House Party vs. Joey, Johnny, & Jimmy Boots & Tights: Lucha House Party loves to have fun. The luchas run wild and Salida del sol, a top rope elbow and shooting star press finishes it. Lucha House Party defeated Joey, Johnny, & Jimmy Boots & Tights @ 0:15 via pin [NR] This happened.

– Natalya & Naomi get a note to watch Lacey Evans’ match tonight.

– We get a Make-a-Wish video package. I lost leg this year; can I get a Make-a-Wish to make this show watchable?

Ricochet vs. Robert Roode’s Mustache: Roode attacks at the bell and beats down Ricochet. Ricochet fights back but Roode cuts him off and knocks him to the floor. He works him over on the apron, and covers for 2. Roode then follow with a clothesline for 2. Ricochet battles back and hits a moonsault press. He follows with strikes, and then runs into a spinebuster for 2. They work up top, Ricochet knocks him off and hits the 630 for the win. Ricochet defeated Robert Roode’s Mustache @ 4:18 via pin [**] Well, at least they remembered that Roode is the only one with a win over Ricochet. It was ok outside of the fact that Roode manages to make Ricochet boring again.

– Rey vs. Joe is official for MITB. Rey & Dominic walk and when Rey leaves, Joe stalks Dominic.

– Joe meets with Dominic, and says that Dominic tried to embarrass him last week. Joe yells at him and it’s a good thing that Dominic was wearing his brown pants this week.

Lacey Evans vs. Jenny Boots & Tights: Naomi, Dana, Alexa, & Natalya are at ringside per Evans’ invitation. Evans controls with ease at the bell and finishes her with the women’s right. Lacey Evans defeated Jenny Boots & Tights @ 0:40 via pin [NR] Squash

– Evans says she invited her guests so that they could see a classy lady in action. She says if they win MITB and try and cash in on her, they will regret it. Becky arrives and brawls with Evans. Evans escapes and runs away.

– Bryan cuts a promo on Kofi, promising to eliminate him to save WWE & humanity.

The Viking Raider Machine of War Experience vs. Champions Hawkins & Ryder: They brawl at the bell with the Vikings taking control until the champions cut them off. It doesn’t last long as Ivar puts a stop to that, double teams on Hawkins follow and Erik covers for 2. Ryder gets the tag and he hits a missile dropkick. Ivar gets dumped and Hawkins attacks until Erik cuts him off. Thor’s hammer finishes Ryder. The Viking Raider Machine of War Experience defeated Champions Hawkins & Ryder @ 2:45 via pin [NR] It was fine with the right result.

– Back to Bray’s wacky funhouse. Ramblin Rabbit has died, just like Sami Zayn… and my soul as I watch this show.

– Rollins cuts a promo on Styles, promising to break his face.

– Could commentary take Vince’s cock out of their mouths? I can’t deal with this Vince is a genius shit.

Roman Reigns vs. Drew McIntyre: Nothing like a rematch from one of the more underwhelming matches from WrestleMania to pop the ratings. They trade strikes and Reigns takes early control until McIntyre hits an overhead toss. He grounds the action, Reigns fights to his feet and follows with clotheslines. McIntyre cuts him off with another overhead toss. McIntyre then lays the boots to Reigns, but Reigns cuts him off with a suplex. He then dumps McIntyre but McIntyre slams him to the apron and cuts him off. Post break and McIntyre hits a spinebuster to cut off the superman punch. They trade strikes, and the head butt by McIntyre gets 2. Reigns cuts him off with a DDT for 2. McIntyre cuts off the drive by and slams Reigns to the steps. Back in and the catatonic gets 2. McIntyre up top and flies into a superman punch and that only gets 2. McIntyre cuts off the spear once but Reigns hits it the second time and Shane runs in for the DQ. Roman Reigns defeated Drew McIntyre @ 14:25 via DQ [**¾] Do you know what I absolutely love? Investing nearly 15-minutes into a match only for Vince’s Make-a-Wish son to cause a DQ to further his own angle. The match was pretty good, but I am finding it really hard to care about anything at this point in the show.

– Shane & Elias beat down Reigns until Miz makes the save. Drew then lays out Reigns with a claymore. Shane runs and hides from Miz. Charly tries to interview him but Shane heads to his limo where Miz attacks with a chair. Shane eventually escapes.

– The Usos arrive and mock the Revival. They put Icy hot in their gear and the poor Revival have to sell that their crotches are on fire like a pair of fucking idiots. They then pour water on thier dicks and it makes it worse.

pic.twitter.com/WdFd0nzyTt

— Wrestling Without Context (@wresnocontext) May 7, 2019

Lars Sullivan vs. No Way Jose: Lars kills the conga line and tosses Jose into the crowd. Jose tries to make the save, fails and Lars hits the Liger bomb.

– They already fucked up the “3 stars can appear” wildcard rule. Roman, Bryan, Kofi, Shane, Elias, & Lars all appeared. I’m not good at match, but I do know that 6 is more than 3. Even if you don’t count Shane, they still fucked it up and had to move the goal posts to compensate.

– Post break, Vince tries to defend the fuck up saying that Shane & Elias don’t count. He then gets a giant erection as Lars arrives.

Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Daniel Bryan: They lock up and Bryan then attacks with kicks and corner dropkicks. Kofi then cuts him off with a lariat and dumps Bryan. He follows with a dive. Post break and Bryan has taken control. Kofi battles back with a flying back elbow and covers for2. He follows with kicks and then a splash for 2. Bryan then dumps him to the floor to cut him off. he follows and posts him, attacking the arm. Back in and Bryan follows with body shots, and the tiger driver into the arm bar follows. Kofi kicks his way out, and they work into a double down. Post break and Bryan dumps Kofi to the floor. Bryan then whips him to the barricade, but Kofi fights back and heads up and follows with a high cross. Back in and Kofi hits shadows over hell for 2. Bryan now gets the LeBell lock, Kofi fights and makes the ropes. Bryan follows with kicks, attacking the arm but Kofi fires back and follows with a clothesline. The boom drop follows. He looks for trouble in paradise, but Bryan cuts him off with a dropkick and hits the German for 2. Bryan sets and the busaiku knee misses and Kofi hits trouble in paradise and retains. Champion Kofi Kingston defeated Daniel Bryan @ 17:30 via pin [***¼] This was really the only good thing on the show, it’s good but nothing you have to go out of your way to see.

– End Scene.

– Thanks for reading.

The 411 on Wrestling Podcast returns to the 411 Podcasting Network for episode 17. On the show, the good brother, Jeremy Lambert, joins 411’s Larry Csonka. Today, the guys will looks back on the two Wrestling Dontaku events, the return of Chris Jericho to NJPW and how Dominion is shaping up. From there, full previews of the ROH War of the Worlds events in Buffalo, Toronto, and Grand Rapids. The show is approximately 88–minutes long.

* Intro
* NJPW Wrestling Dontaku Night One Review: 2:30
* NJPW Wrestling Dontaku Night Two Review & Jericho Return Discussion: 26:50
* ROH War of the Worlds Buffalo Preview: 59:50
* ROH War of the Worlds Toronto Preview: 108:40
* ROH War of the Worlds Grand Rapids Preview: 117:40

You can subscribe and listen to the 411 on Wrestling Podcast via the
above player on Transistor, or on the following platforms:

* iTunes
* Spotify
* Stitcher
* Google Play

2.0

The final score: review Very Bad

The 411

Making anyone watch WWE Monday Night Raw should be considered a war crime; I could likely write a novel here, but I said a ton already and think I’ll go with this instead…