wrestling / Video Reviews
Jack Likes WrestleMania & is a Fan of This One: WrestleMania VIII
Loading...WRESTLEMANIA XIII
We’re in the Hoosier Dome, the last stadium to host a Wrestlemania for nine years. It looks great, visually similar to the Silverdome. Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan handle commentary, and country star Reba McIntyre breaks with tradition by rattling out the national anthem, rather than ‘America the Beautiful.’
MATCH 1- EL MATADOR VS. SHAWN MICHAELS
Santana cinches in a side headlock early, and Bobby Heenan claims to have won numerous matches with that move. Tito is mega keen on those headlocks early on; Shawn has brief bursts of offense, but things always go back to the headlock. Tito’s punishment for not being interesting enough is to take quite the spill over the top rope! Michaels applies a chinlock back in the ring, but things get more interesting from there as he decides to run through some of his signature moves; a superkick connects right on the button, but Tito has enough about him to fight out of Michaels’ then-finisher, the Teardrop Suplex. He then crashes into Shawn with a flying forearm, sending him hurtling out to the floor. Matador wins a brawl on the floor, and back in the ring hits an inverted atomic drop. He seems to have Michaels ready for El Paso Del Muerte! Shawn rolls back to the floor to avoid it though. An impatient Santana tries to slam him back in, but Michaels shifts his weight in mid-air and falls on top of him for a pinfall out of nowhere! ** ½. It was slow going in the early stages, with Santana wrestling too cautiously, but things picked up once they gave up on all the air sapping submissions and started to fly around a bit. A neat little passing of the torch between what was expected from a smaller guy in the eighties, and what they were capable of achieving in the nineties.
MATCH 2- THE UNDERTAKER VS. JAKE ROBERTS
This seems like an absolute dream match today, but with Roberts on his way out of the company and the Undertaker just establishing himself as a proper fan favourite, it was never going to quite work out like that. ‘Taker and Roberts had been teaming up to terrorise Randy Savage and Elizabeth until the Deadman inexplicably started to feel bad about the whole thing and turned on Roberts.
Jake sends Undertaker over the top rope right away, but The Phenom lands on his feet, being a Phenom and all. From there, ‘Taker delivers an unremarkable beating, mostly consisting of choke holds, until Roberts counters a Tombstone into a DDT. But Undertaker just sits right up! Jake tries it again, and again Taker refuses to stay down! Perturbed, Roberts goes after Paul Bearer, but Undertaker stalks him and them drops him with a Tombstone on the floor! His head doesn’t even come close to the ground, but you see what they were going for, and once they’re back in the ring the pinfall is academic. * ½. This wasn’t much of a match for the vast majority of its life, but as soon as ‘Taker just started no selling everything it got pretty darn cool. Even if you’d never seen a wrestling show in your life, you’d be able to tell there was something special about this dead fellow, but it’s a doubly impressive slaughter knowing just what a legacy Roberts had.
MATCH 3- WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP- RODDY PIPER VS. BRET HART
Piper and Hart are good pals, but they’ll do whatever it takes with the Intercontinental Championship on the line!
I love the way tensions slowly simmer in this. Predictably it’s Piper that shows the first signs of bad behaviour, frustratedly spitting at Hart when he escapes a takedown and accidentally propels Roddy out the ring! Bret’s response is much more thoughtful, feigning a shoulder injury to sucker Piper into an inside cradle. Hitman collides into Hotrod with a crossbody that knocks both men out the ring. On the way back in Piper holds the ropes open for Hart, but then suckers punches him when he’s back inside! Despicable! Tremendous! Bobby Heenan excitedly calling for both men to cheat is really funny, and adds to the general tone of the match. A straight brawl breaks free from the gamesmanship, with Bret bleeding profusely. It doesn’t stop him from getting most of his signature moves in, but Roddy does block the Sharpshooter. The referee gets flattened when Roddy accidentally sends Hart into him. The champ takes advantage to send his challenger into the ring steps, and having rolled him back in the ring, decides to seize the ring bell! He raises it high above his head, and wrestles with his conscience even harder than he’s wrestled the match! Eventually, he opts not to use it, to the relief of the crowd. Instead he tries for the Sleeper, but Bret kicks off the turnbuckles into a pinning combination, and secures the three count! **** ¼. This was just marvellous! I really love the first few minutes of Piper and Hart just trying to rattle and upset each other without ever crossing the proverbial line, and it makes the moment near the end of Piper brandishing the ring bell, the angel and devil almost visible on his shoulders, one of the dramatic and tense in Wrestlemania history. In between all of that there was an intense, bloody brawl, and even some glimmers of quality mat wrestling right at the start as well. This has been called “underrated” many times now, and yet it still remains underrated, so hey watch out for this hot take this match is underrated. Hugely underrated. Maybe one of the two or three most underrated bouts in ‘Mania history.
A satellite interview introduces us to the newest star of the World Bodybuilding Federation, Lex Luger! In between this and an interview before the live crowd with the Legion of Doom earlier in the show, this Wrestlemania has a couple of moments that are suspiciously close to TV angles.
MATCH 4- “HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN, SGT. SLAUGHTER, THE BIG BOSS MAN & VIRGIL VS. THE NASTY BOYS, THE MOUNTIE & THE REPO MAN
I think this is the first time in Wrestlemania history that a match was solely created to get as many people on the card as possible. The fan favourites start the match with a quadruple clothesline that sends all the rule breakers to the floor! From there an indifferent tag match develops. The Mountie fails to get revenge on Big Boss Man for sending him to jail the previous summer, getting dumped by a spinebuster from him instead. Virgil is sporting a nose protector having come into the match with said appendage broken. The match predictably devolves into chaos, and his nose predictably gets targeted, Knobs punching him right on the button! He then restrains Virgil for Sags to attack, but the fan favourite ducks out the way and the Nasties crash into each other! Virgil takes advantage to get the pin. *. Not much of interest happened in this, it was just kind of a barely connected exchange of moves until the finish.
MATCH 5- WWF CHAMPIONSHIP- RIC FLAIR VS. RANDY SAVAGE
Savage chases Flair out to the floor as soon as he enters the ring, and Macho’s rage seems on the brink of tearing out of his skin! This is because Flair was threatening to show photos of Elizabeth on the big screen… photos of a sexy nature. He also bragged to Savage about how Liz was “mine before she was yours.” So, you can see why Randy is disgruntled. It almost goes without saying, but Bobby Heenan’s breathless, howling support for Ric Flair on commentary adds so much to the match. It’s nice to have someone discussing the bout who seems to see it as a matter of life or death.
Savage tries to pulp Flair from the get go, but Mr. Perfect breaks up the melee, the first of many interjections Curt would make. In the ring, Randy starts fast and furious, but Naitch gains a measure of control by suddenly back dropping him out to the floor! He slows things down and gets a series of two counts off some low tech manoeuvres, with Savage eventually coming back with a neckbreaker. We get a burst of classic Flair mannerisms, as Randy flips him off the top rope and then clotheslines him around until he Flops. And then it’s classic Macho Man, with Flair sent to the floor where he’s met with a flying double axe handle! That move is so ferocious it sends Ric into the barricade, and he emerges from his collision with bleeding from a very suspicious scratch on his forehead. ALMOST AS IF IT HAD BEEN DONE WITH A BLADE! Although, blades weren’t allowed in WWF at the time, and if there’s one human who you can rely on to abide by all rules, it’s Ric Flair. Back in the ring, Savage nails the Flying Elbow, but Mr. Perfect drags him off the cover at two! Macho hares after him, but that just gives Flair the opening to crack him with a hidden object. Hennig bashes a chair across his knee for good measure, and Savage is in trouble, so much trouble that Elizabeth comes rushing down from the back to lend him moral support! A young Shane McMahon is deeply concerned by this decision, but she won’t budge. Ric spends what remains of the match trying to make her regret her decision with a combination of inappropriate advances towards her, and despicable attacks on Macho’s knee, while the atmosphere reaches a complete fever pitch. Flair drives Savage down with a knee crusher, but from there Macho guides him into an inside cradle, and clings on to win the championship! And the crowd becomes entirely unglued! **** ½. Magnificent! What a match. The icing on the cake is Flair giving Elizabeth a post match, blood soaked kiss, and Savage going ballistic on him until referees separate them. That finishing stretch ranks as one of the most exciting in pro wrestling history, the fans were so utterly enthralled. It’s a shining testament to the power of great wrestlers and big, soap opera storylines. Both Piper-Hart and Savage-Flair have been good examples of blood properly enhancing a wrestling match as well, adding a sense that this is something mega important to the participants, a match that’s out of the ordinary. The early bit of the match that Flair controlled was a little slow, but at least his frequent pin attempts gave it some focus. Regardless, it doesn’t detract from the most important bits of the match at all. Heck of a battle. Oh, and Flair and Savage cut tremendous promos from their locker rooms in the aftermath!
MATCH 6- TATANKA VS. RICK MARTEL
Tatanka has some stereotypical Native American pals dance around the ring for him before the bout, thus offending one of the few minority groups Wrestlemania had hitherto ignored.
Tatanka gets off to an impressive start, landing a hip toss and a pair of body slams before clearing Martel from the ring. In contrast, The Model accidentally crashes into the ring post, twice. He regains some dignity in the ring by briefly controlling the match, but then loses it again by getting crotched on the top rope. Tatanka ducks a clothesline, and sails into him with a high crossbody to secure the victory! * ¼. I’ve always found Tatanka a pretty entertaining wrestler, but Martel’s role could have been fulfilled by any rule breaker on the roster really.
MATCH 7- WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS- MONEY INC. VS. THE NATURAL DISASTERS
Before the match, I suspect that Money Inc. may be at a slight weight disadvantage. My suspicions are confirmed over the course of the match.
Earthquake clotheslines DiBiase and I.R.S, and Typhoon knocks their noggins together. Irwin tries to flee, but Typhoon treads on his tie to stop him, and then bounces him off the buckles for ten! DiBiase doesn’t have much better luck until he dodges a crossbody and Typhoon tumbles over the top rope. I.R.S drives him into the steel steps, and that allows Money Inc to isolate him. Obviously though, Earthquake is a fearsome prospect when he comes in off the hot tag, which he does when Typhoon powers out of a front face lock! The Disasters whip the champions into each other and splash the heck out of I.R.S. At this point, DiBiase thinks “fuck this noise!” So he drags I.R.S out the ring, and they go to the back, accepting the count out defeat. **. A fine, lightly comedic tag match with The Natural Disasters running roughshod over their smaller opponents until they were forced to take the coward’s way out.
MATCH 8- OWEN HART VS. SKINNER
Skinner spits tobacco at Owen, who gets revenge by winning with a roll-up after one minute of action. N/R.
MATCH 9- HULK HOGAN VS. SID VICIOUS
This was insinuated to be Hulk Hogan’s retirement match, but as we all know, it really really wasn’t. Bobby Heenan’s take on Hulk: “he’s just a human being! An annoying human being!”
Hogan gets the better of the early exchanges. He’s helped by Sid’s foolish insistence on trying a test of strength, which he initially gets the better of, but predictably Hulk roars back and overpowers him. However, Hulk’s momentum is derailed when he gives chase to a distracting Harvey Whippleman. When he re-enters the ring, Sid drops him with a choke slam to take control. Then, he pauses to deliver a little promo into the camera, which is the most unique thing that occurs in this match. A further distraction from the manager allows Sid to bash Hulk with Harvey’s doctors bag, which could well be filled with dangerous, heavy items. Vicious locks in a nerve pinch, which is an accurate indicator of an unambitious match. The ref drops Hogan’s hand twice, but on the third Hogan starts to fight out! Sid quashes his comeback and delivers the powerbomb, but Hogan kicks out at two and immediately begins Hulking up as if nothing happened, which really negates the whole point of using a finisher. The three punches connect, as does the Big Boot, as does the Leg Drop… but Sid kicks out at two! Wow! Harvey Whippleman hovers in the ring and as punishment for his loitering Sid gets disqualified. Then, Papa Shango arrives and initiates a two on one beatdown on Hulk. There are two stories I’ve seen about this, the most popular of which suggests Shango was meant to break up the pin after Hulk’s leg drop, but missed his cue, forcing Sid to kick out. The second is that Vince and Sid conspired behind Hogan’s back to have him kick out of the leg drop, thus giving the supposed long term prospect a nice boost. I’m inclined to believe the first one because the second, with all its subterfuge and sabotage, sounds like a tall tale concocted by an attention seeker. However, it does raise the question as to why Whippleman didn’t improvise and break the pin up himself, or the referee didn’t invent some excuse to stop the count, if the only issue was that Shango was late arriving. Hmmmm. Anyway, things look bleak for our hero but then the Ultimate Warrior makes a genuinely stunning return, and the two immortals clear the ring to the glee of the crowd! An ending much cooler than the match deserved. * ¼. Thankfully, this wouldn’t be Hogan’s last stand, as it would have been such a tepid way to go out. It’s odd to think what the perception of him might have been if this had been his final match. This was the very definition of perfunctory; they hit all the beats of a Hulk Hogan match without even aspiring to do anything more. That’s enough for just over one star for me, but it doesn’t make for a particularly rewarding main event, especially with Savage and Flair as competition.
