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Jack Likes Wrestlemania: Wrestlemania 25

March 24, 2015 | Posted by Jack Stevenson
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Jack Likes Wrestlemania: Wrestlemania 25  

WRESTLEMANIA 25

The 25th Anniversary of Wrestlemania! Numerous people have pointed out that it’s actually the 24th, but they’re forgetting a key fact- calling Wrestlemania 26 “the 25th Anniversary of Wrestlemania” just isn’t remotely catchy. Michael Cole, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler merge the Smackdown and Raw announce teams into one for the show. I don’t like the set design too much this time around, there’s too much deep blue all over the place, it feels like it’s taking place in an underwater world.

MATCH 1- MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH- KOFI KINGSTON VS. FINLAY VS. M.V.P VS. CM PUNK VS. KANE VS. CHRISTIAN VS. MARK HENRY VS. SHELTON BENJAMIN

Kane and Mark Henry’s presence in the match presented a real opportunity for them to be total wrecking balls and distinguish this iteration of Money in the Bank from the others, but they don’t really take advantage of it, despite a promising opening in which they clear the ring and scale the ladder, only for everyone else to drag them down to earth. A crowd of bodies gather on the floor, and Mark Henry tries to leap off the top turnbuckle onto them. Finlay stops him with a Shillelagh, and Hornswoggle uses his carcass as a springboard for a dive! It looks a bit ridiculous to see all these wrestlers crumbling under ‘Swoggle’s crippling weight. Henry tries to set up a ladder, but Kofi scrambles up it before it’s even unfolded! Henry sweeps it out from under him and catches him in mid air with the World’s Strongest Slam. Benjamin tries his Sunset Flip Powerbomb off the top of the ladder on M.V.P, but he loses control of Porter on the way down. He improvises by powerbombing him over the top rope onto Henry and his manager Tony Atlas! Christian and Punk battle for the prize, with the fans audibly behind Captain Charisma. Kane chokeslams him out of contention, but Punk takes care of the Big Red Monster, and grabs the briefcase for the second year running, to a jarringly mixed reaction now that he’s essentially been martyred. *** ¼. This was riddled with some of the worst Ladder match characteristics- contrived stunts, awkward stunts, stunts that made little sense. Yet there were also some very good ones, primarily involving Kingston, and really as long as Money in the Bank matches keep a good pace up and generate some carnage they’ll always be a super fun watch.

MATCH 2- 25 WOMAN BATTLE ROYAL TO DETERMINE MISS WRESTLEMANIA

This is a bit of a trainwreck. Before the match Kid Rock comes out to do a little concert, which would be annoying as these things always are at wrestling shows, but nothing more than that. However, he’s tasked with performing a medley of his tunes and as such his performance drags on for five songs, which for anyone who isn’t a Kid Rock fan constitutes an unwelcome intrusion into your designated wrestle show time. The Divas all make their entrance during his final tune, and as soon as he’s finished the Battle Royal begins, so none of the ladies get an entrance. This is unwieldy considering there’s 25 of them, and since WWE divas rarely have unique characters it’s quite hard to figure out who is who, especially six years after the event. The likes of Sunny, Torrie Wilson and Jackie Gayda make one night returns to compete and you can barely pick them out of the line up. In the end, victory goes to Santina Marella, which is Santino Marella in drag in an attempt to infuriate his old rival Beth Phoenix. Marella did his best with the gimmick and was quite funny at times but really it was just an excuse for Lawler to make “that woman looks like a man!” jokes on commentary. There’s really nothing good here. 0.

MATCH 3- THREE ON ONE HANDICAP MATCH- RICKY STEAMBOAT, JIMMY SNUKA & RODDY PIPER VS. CHRIS JERICHO

The Darren Aronofsky film ‘The Wrestler’ was released in late 2008 to universal acclaim- 98% of reviews were positive according to Rotten Tomatoes! The 2% that weren’t were written by Jimmy Snuka and Chris Jericho- Snuka felt that the scene in which Randy ‘The Ram’ falls out with Marisa Tomei’s ageing stripper Cassidy should have ended with Randy leaving her for dead in a hotel room and evading justice for forty years, while Jericho loathed the film’s glamorisation of wrestling legends, who he felt should remain in the past. Piper, Snuka and Steamboat decided to teach the punk a lesson at Wrestlemania, and they’ve got both Ric Flair and Mickey Rourke in their corner!

There is a very clear divide between the good and bad parts in this match. Piper and Snuka try their best but are too broken down physically to hang with Jericho- Snuka is swiftly submitted by the Walls of Jericho, while Piper throws a gallant but dreadful dropkick and pokes Y2J in the eyes in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. He falls victim to the enzuiguri to turn it into a one on one match after only five minutes. Thankfully, Ricky Steamboat pulls out an absolutely legendary performance, seeming to have barely lost a step in his fifteen year absence from competitive action. Jericho is rattled by his perfect arm drags, his soaring flying crossbody and his incredibly gutsy plancha over the top rope, but he weathers the storm and in the end fells the Dragon with a sudden Codebreaker. Still, that’s a ** ¾ match for Steamboat’s display alone, which was so impressive that he returned to the ring in a ten man tag the following night on Raw, and again in singles competition against Jericho at Backlash, turning in stellar displays each time. It was a delightful little run, and it was triggered by a proper Wrestlemania moment.

MATCH 4- EXTREME RULES- JEFF HARDY VS. MATT HARDY

To kickstart this feud, Matt cost his little brother his World Heavyweight Championship at the Royal Rumble and then insinuated that he’d exploded fireworks in Jeff’s face, set fire to his house, and killed his beloved dog. So, I think it’s fair to say that this was a difficult time in the Hardys’ relationship, and it’s a bit weird that their Wrestlemania grudge feud starts with Attitude style comedy hardcore weapons. There’s the standard trash cans and stop signs, but at one point Matt brains Jeff with a vacuum cleaner! Out of context though it’s a pretty fun, quirky brawl, and once they start all the dangerous spots it gets super great. Jeff lies Matt on a table on the floor, stacks another one on top of him, and takes a kamikaze leap off the top rope, crashing through the top table and driving himself and all the wreckage through the bottom one that Matt is on! In the ring, two ladders are set up, one slightly larger than the other. Jeff vaults from the small one over the big one and flies down towards Matt with a leg drop, but big brother rolls out the way and the Charismatic Enigma crashes and burns into the canvas! Matt takes advantage by slotting Jeff’s head in a chair and hitting the Twist of Fate for what seems a mild upset. *** ¾. This was a terrific brawl that played to the strengths of both men, with Jeff underlining his reputation as the WWE’s wildest daredevil and Matt pouncing when he got too reckless. It was a little short to be considered a proper classic, but it’s the closest thing this show has outside of Taker-Michaels to a match that’s worthy of the Grandest Stage of Them All.

MATCH 5- INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP- J.B.L VS. REY MYSTERIO

J.B.L cuts a long promo on his way to the ring about how the economic downturn has left Texas devoid of heroes, and he’ll be thrilled to step up to the plate tonight against Mysterio. The luchador is sporting a costume inspired by Heath Ledger’s joker! It proves to be the most successful of his comic book outfits, as he 619s JBL and pins him in 20 seconds. An embarrassed Bradshaw quits WWE post match, a rare example of an in ring retirement that has stood, aside from the briefest of cameos in the 2014 Royal Rumble.

MATCH 6- THE UNDERTAKER VS. SHAWN MICHAELS

You first get the sense that this match might turn out to be something special when two dives to the floor go awry. First, Shawn tries to take out the Undertaker with a moonsault, but he misses and flops to the floor with a thud so sickening I can still hear it. ‘Taker tries to capitalise with his jawdropping Wrestlemania plancha, but Michaels pulls a cameraman in the way. Said cameraman is played by Deuce out of Deuce & Domino, but to be honest the role might as well have been played by Bill Apter, because he doesn’t catch ‘Taker properly at all and The Deadman arrows into the floor at a frightening angle! As far as fuck-ups go, it’s one of the best in wrestling history. The crowd are deathly silent as the referee begins to count the Phenom out, I’m sure a few of them truly believe he’s broken his neck or been fucking killed. When he drags himself back into the ring at 9, the atmosphere reaches a fever pitch, and Taker and Michaels take full advantage of it. Shawn tries to land Sweet Chin Music, but Undertaker blocks the move with a choke slam to an almighty response! Michaels lands his move eventually, but it’s only good for a two count. HBK charges at his foe but Taker sidesteps him and propels him over the top rope. Shawn tries to skin the cat get in but ends up putting himself in perfect position for a Tombstone! It connects! One, two, NOT THREE! Shawn kicks out! Incredible near fall! One of the best near falls I’ve ever seen. Another Tombstone is countered with a great tornado DDT. He heads up top and connects with the Flying Elbow despite the fact that he seems to be in the process of dying. Another Sweet Chin Music! Another two count! Undertaker of course has supernatural powers of recovery, and soon he’s engaged in a slugfest with Shawn. The big man gets the better of it and tries for another Tombstone, but Michaels slides free and attempts a moonsault. ‘Taker catches him in mid-air, lands a second Tombstone, and that’s sufficient to extend the streak for another year. **** ½. In spots, that match is as magical as any other in Wrestlemania history. To be fair, the opening stages of the bout are pretty indifferent. Shawn works the knee a little bit but can’t do anything too significant because they needed all their limbs fully functional for the all out finishing stretch. There’s a few nice moves, it’s certainly not boring, but I don’t feel it’s the kind of match that captivates you from the beginning, like Austin-Hart does with its wild brawl through the crowd, or Bret/Owen does with its technical wizardry, or Savage-Steamboat does with its electric pace. Maybe it was different watching it live without knowing the result, I don’t have that privilege! It captivates you pretty hard in the middle though, and by the end it’s shaking you about vigorously. What’s telling is that, six years after the match, it’s still possible to bite on some of those near falls, particularly the skin the cat into the Tombstone which is just an incredible Wrestlemania moment. I think an acceptable beginning combined with a fantastic middle and just a mind boggling ending averages out at roughly **** ½. It’s an absolute classic for sure.

MATCH 7- TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR THE WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP- EDGE VS. JOHN CENA VS. THE BIG SHOW

Vickie and Chavo Guerrero watch from ringside with great interest, as Vickie had been caught in the middle of a love triangle with Edge and Show in the build up to this match, which John Cena of course mocked mercilessly. Cena continues his tradition of memorable entrances by having an army of clone Cenas ‘You Can’t See Me’ him down to the ring. They really do look a lot like him as well, they all have the right jawline and everything.

There are a couple of moments in this match where Cena and Edge form the unlikeliest of tandems. The champion drives Big Show into the ring steps, and Cena flies out onto the Giant with his guillotine leg drop! Impressive! Chavo shows that while we might not know who the Guerreros want to win, it definitely isn’t John Cena, as he tries a sneak attack on him. Cena swiftly dispatches him with the Attitude Adjustment though. Show gets tangled in the ropes à la Andre and howls for Mike Chioda to set him free. He plays it like he’s a bad tempered Winnie the Pooh stuck in Rabbit’s house and it’s really funny. Cena takes advantage of the giant’s incapacitation to drop the Five Knuckle Shuffle on Edge, but gets distracted by a furious Vickie before he can follow up. Edge tries to spear him, but misses and hits his gal pal, sending her flying onto Chavo on the floor! Show finally comes unstuck and is ready for war. Edge is dropped with a chokeslam, Cena counters it and looks for the AA but Show in turn counters that and crashes a right hand into his face. Edge spears the big man through the barricade on the floor, which seems to happen all the time in contemporary WWE. Cena tries to hit the AA on both men simultaneously, but Edge falls free. It doesn’t save him for long though, as he just gets dropped with the move on top of the slumbering Big Show. The impact sends him out the ring, and Cena covers the big man to retain the title. ** ½. Somewhere around the middle when Chavo and Vickie were getting involved and they were just starting the near falls, this was looking really good, a snappy little follow up to Taker-Michaels. They couldn’t sustain it though, and by the end the near falls had become a bit tiresome and repetitive. The finish was awkward as well, as it was Edge who took the impactful Attitude Adjustment and that made it feel less decisive when it was Big Show that was pinned. The argument’s been made in the past that this would have worked better if it was just Cena-Edge, but Show’s performance was really good and gave the match a different dynamic to Taker-Michaels, whereas a one and one match would have surely followed a similar format of epic length and dramatic near falls. In the end, this was OK and made a valiant attempt at following the previous, iconic collision, but it fell noticeably short.

Howard Finkel introduces the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2009. Stone Cold Steve Austin celebrates his induction by driving a quad bike round ringside. This rather felt like they’d been meaning to come up with something really great and memorable for Austin to do and when the time came the best they could come up with was this or “enters the Women’s Battle Royal in drag and eliminates Santina.” If so, they chose the better option! Well done!

MATCH 8- WWE CHAMPIONSHIP- TRIPLE H VS. RANDY ORTON

Oh dear. This match makes Jericho-HHH at Wrestlemania X-8 look like an absolute roaring success. It’s a shame, because they actually have some interesting ideas for this. They both hit their finishers within the opening moments of the match, Orton landing the RKO before Triple H retaliates with a Pedigree that leaves both men out of it. There’s no reason why this couldn’t have worked- it’s brave and inventive to throw out those kind of moves in the first couple of minutes, it keeps the fans on their toes, and the bout went long enough that by the finishing stretch the attempts at Pedigrees and RKOs still felt fairly fresh. They also toy with the additional stipulation for this bout quite effectively, which dictates that if Triple H gets disqualified or counted out he loses his championship. There are moments of real temptation for Hunter, such as when he’s looming over a prone Orton about ready to bash a monitor into his skull, and when the referee gets knocked down a cool situation is created where HHH is suddenly free to do whatever he wants to his nemesis, but knows that if he gets carried away the referee might come to and strip him of the gold. In spite of those positives though… this is a bad match. A very bad match. The most obvious issue with it has been pointed out by Orton himself before- they built this as one of the most hateful rivalries in WWE history, with Randy punting Vince and Shane in the head and RKOing Stephanie and DDTing her and kissing her lifeless body while HHH quivered with comical rage. Hunter responded by invading Orton’s home and beating the heck out of him, hurling him through a window. They should by all rights be absolutely tearing each other to shreds, and it would have worked so much better within the context of the show as well- we’d already had one big brawl in Hardy vs. Hardy, but since that was more built around spectacular stunts there was ample room for another one built around sheer, intense loathing. Instead, the rules confine them to wrestling a standard WWE Championship match, and it renders the finishing stretch one of the most sluggish and unrewarding you’ll ever see. You’re practically begging them to let the animosity overflow and they just can’t, so the moments where HHH gets to use his Sledgehammer and Orton back drops him onto the announce table seem like deeply dissatisfying teases. That’s not to say the wrestlers themselves are blameless pawns hamstrung by the rules though- there’s a long chin lock from Randy that’s just suffocating and tortuous to watch. It’s such a mundane hold and hammers home that is just a mundane match that isn’t transpiring the way anyone wants it to. In the end, the match meanders to its conclusion with Hunter just pummelling Orton and then getting the Pedigree for a three count. It wraps up a strong contender for the worst main event in Wrestlemania history. *.

6.0
The final score: review Average
The 411
This is such a strange show. It starts well enough with a typically enjoyable Money in the Bank outing, a great brawl between the Hardyz, and the Taker-Michaels epic, but dotted in between these things are signs that maybe aspects of this show haven't been thought through properly, the interminable Kid Rock concert that wipes out the Miss Wrestlemania Battle Royal, and the 21 second JBL match, for example, that combine to ensure that essentially there's only six matches on the card. The final two don't deliver- both take a decent stab at it, but both come up short, HHH-Orton more egregiously than Cena-Edge-Show. As a result, the card flows very strangely, and just isn't that satisfying a watch as a whole. Undertaker-Michaels is essentially the definitive contemporary WWE match and needs to be seen, but once that's done you've already covered all the high points of the card. It's a tough one to rate, but, uh, it's marginally better than Wrestlemania 13? A 6.0 will do.
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WrestleMania 25, Jack Stevenson