wrestling / Video Reviews
Jack Likes Wrestlemania: Wrestlemania 28
WRESTLEMANIA 28
MATCH 1- WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP- DANIEL BRYAN VS. SHEAMUS
Y’all know how this one goes. The bell rings, Daniel Bryan gives his gal pal AJ Lee a good luck kiss, turns round into a Brogue Kick from Sheamus, and concedes his World Heavyweight Championship in 18 seconds! It seemed a hideous turn of events at the time, but long term this probably worked out better for Bryan than, say, having his excellent Extreme Rules battle with the Celtic Warrior on the Grandest Stage would have done- the obvious injustice of a man of his talents being confined to an 18 second humiliation rallied a lot of fans behind him, and he quickly became a cult sensation. Within two years, he was winning the WWE Championship in the main event of Wrestlemania. Funny how things work out.
MATCH 2- RANDY ORTON VS. KANE
Kane had shaken Randy Orton’s hand after a match with him on Smackdown, and soon afterwards disappeared for a little while. He came back wearing his mask again, and targeted Orton because he felt shaking his hand way back when had demonstrated the Big Red Monster had gone weak. I’m not sure if that’s a really great callback or a desperate attempt to justify a random undercard match.
This match struggles to really get going, as outraged “Daniel Bryan!” chants ring around the arena during the early stages. An exchange of punches at least convinces the crowd to do some booing and yaying instead of heckling. Kane clamps on some slow submission holds, which is not what the match needs. Orton fights free and kicks things up a gear. He lands his signature backbreaker, throws Kane into the ring post, and hits the Hangman’s DDT. The RKO is countered, and Kane tries to follow up with a top rope move, but Randy catches him in mid-air with a dropkick! He tries the punt to the head, but the Big Red Machine blocks him by grasping his throat in his hands! Choke-slam! It’s only good enough for two though. They battle up top, where Kane gets the advantage. Super Choke-slam! That’ll do it! * ½. They won the crowd round with some good near falls in the finishing stretch, but the match that preceded it was awkward and lethargic. There were some cool little moments that pitted Orton’s resourcefulness against Kane’s power, that could have made for quite an interesting match if there’d been more energy and purpose to the thing. After the disappointment of Sheamus vs. Bryan you’d hope for a little better though.
MATCH 3- INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP- CODY RHODES VS. THE BIG SHOW
Cody had been mocking The Big Show in the build up to this match for his series of Wrestlemania misfires. Show was looking to shut the champion up and carve himself out a great moment on the biggest show of the year!
Rhodes plays the sneaky scrappy undersized villain really well here, pinballing about the ring for Show’s offense and hacking away at his legs whenever he gets the chance. It’s still not a great match though, they don’t quite mesh together despite their best efforts. Rhodes tries for the Disaster Kick, but Show lumbers into him in mid air with a spear. That leaves him vulnerable to the Knockout Punch, and hands the Giant the I.C. Title and a Wrestlemania moment! Although, really, it’s not exactly Hogan-Andre, is it now? * ½. They had some worthwhile ideas but no particular chemistry, and it felt very much like a five minute midcard match for a midcard championship. Certainly not Wrestlemania worthy.
MATCH 4- KELLY KELLY & MARIA MENOUNOS VS. BETH PHOENIX & EVE TORRES
This match is probably most famous for some of Eve’s make-up rubbing off on Menounos’s white pants as she and Kelly squashed her with a double stinkface, making it look bizarrely like Maria had voided her bowels on live television. There are other things of note as well though! Like Kelly Kelly’s strangely perfect huracanrana and somersault senton, and that stupid arse shaking thing Eve would sporadically do in the middle of matches. Menounos tries for a top rope move but is too nervous and injured to do it quickly, allowing Beth to pluck her from the air. Kelly Kelly gets involved to help her partner counter into a roll-up though, and it’s enough to give the fan favourites the win! **. This was well thought out for what it was, and Maria certainly seemed to be more serious about giving this wrestling thing a proper go than Snooki was the previous year. Did I happen to forget that Kelly Kelly was a really great pro wrestler? She seemed great here, her offense was super graceful and crisp and she did a lot of heavy lifting for the more limited Menounos.
MATCH 5- HELL IN A CELL- THE UNDERTAKER VS. TRIPLE H
I don’t think this is as good as their Wrestlemania 27 outing. The opening stages of the match are really slow. Taker controls much of that section of the match and obviously he can’t be going at a breakneck pace, so he aims for methodical but ends up seeming just plain languid. There’s a moment when he’s throwing these big right hands but taking a relative age to wind up each one, and it’s almost like you’re watching Taker from 2004 again. It really took me out of the contest, and I never quite got into it to the extent that I did the Deadman’s previous three ‘Mania matches, despite some of the really excellent developments that would follow. Taker locks in the Hell’s Gate submission, but before Hunter can be put in serious trouble he counters with a powerbomb. That’s a great callback to the ‘Mania 27 match, where Taker won with that submission hold and Hunter couldn’t even get the Deadman properly off the ground with his attempted powerbomb counter. By doing that spot relatively early and having it end in a completely different way to how it did the previous year, suddenly the rest of the match seems full of fresh possibilities! Triple H seizes a chair and crashes it into the Undertaker! Then he does it again! And again and again and again until it’s 16 chair shots later and special guest referee Shawn Michaels is pleading with his best pal to stop the slaughter. A fired up Hunter insists it’s the responsibility of either Taker or Shawn to end the match, not his. He shows no remorse, grabbing his trusty sledgehammer and driving into his foe! One, two, not three! What’s it going to take to put the Phenom away? Shawn goes over to check on the fallen Undertaker and gets locked in Hell’s Gate. Ostensibly I guess this is to stop him from giving into temptation and calling for the bell, but it seems a bit goofy and contrived, if Taker’s got enough energy to maul the referee surely he could be expending some of it on Triple H? It appears an obvious attempt to justify this next spot, which is admittedly pretty darn exciting- Michaels gets mad and delivers some Sweet Chin Music out of nowhere to the Deadman! Pedigree from Triple! Oh heck! Hunter makes the cover! One, two, but it’s not going to get three! Phew. That’s the cue for all the big near falls to start, and there’s a fair few of them. Taker lands a Tombstone for two! Hunter gets a Pedigree for two! He tries to go back to the sledgehammer, but ‘Taker intercepts him with a barrage of steel chairs shots! And still he can’t keep Hunter down! At this point, the match feels saturated with violence, it’s a weird but kind of exhilarating atmosphere. HHH staggers back to his feet and gives The Phenom a defiant crotch chop! But, really, that’s an admission of defeat. Undertaker drops him with one last Tombstone, and that’s enough for the three count. *** ¾. I thought the finishing stretch was super cool, they made you believe that there was literally nothing that would keep either of them down, and that generated loads of tension because it really felt like someone would have to be crippled for the match to end. Usually Shawn Michaels’ melodramatic acting style gets on my nerves a bit, but his performance here was great, he seemed just distraught at what these two guys were putting themselves through and wished one of them would just surrender. The match began so slowly though, it was such a meandering crawl and had precisely none of the guts or intensity that characterised 27’s superb display. Very much a match of two halves, but the latter half was outstanding and the first half was at least technically competent, if not very fun. It’s not the first match on this show that will suffer from trying very hard to being a conventional, epically structured match when it didn’t really need to.
MATCH 6- TEAM TEDDY LONG (Santino Marella, Zack Ryder, Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, The Great Khali & Booker T) VS. TEAM JOHN LAURINAITIS (David Otunga, The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry & Drew McIntyre)
The winning team installs their favourite General Manager as supreme leader of both Raw and Smackdown! Kingston, R-Truth and Ryder all dive to the outside,, leaving Team Johnny bodies strewn across the floor. Mark Henry beats the heck out of Booker T and bellows incoherent trash talk at him, a winning combination that would genuinely make him one of the best acts in WWE from 2011-12. Long’s girlfriend Aksana brawls with Laurinaitis’ sympathiser Vickie Guerrero on the floor, forcing the Bellas, whose own loyalties were divided, to break it up. In the ring, Santino Marella floors the Miz with the Cobra, but Dolph Ziggler rescues the match by breaking up the pinfall. Zack Ryder monkey flips him out of the match and looks to polish off the Miz, but his love interest Eve Torres insists on joining him in the ring for some fist pumping. The referee insists she has to leave, distracting Ryder and allowing Miz to land the Skull Crushing Finale! John Laurinaitis has complete control! **. A passable sprint to get everyone on the card. There were some nice spots scattered across the match but it all felt a bit lightweight for something that in theory would have a profound effect on the direction of WWE. Post match, Eve Torres confirms that she’s not a member of the Zack Pack or the Ryder Riders or whatever the heck he called his fanbase by kicking him in the groin, as the Long Island Iced Z continues to lurch from public humiliation to public humiliation.
MATCH 7- WWE CHAMPIONSHIP- CM PUNK VS. CHRIS JERICHO
Y2J had been getting in CM Punk’s head in the build up by making disparaging remarks about his family, but Punk’s hopes of getting revenge are somewhat thwarted just before the match, when John Laurinaitis informs him that if he loses his cool and gets disqualified, he also concedes the WWE Championship. Ergo, Punk tries his best to keep it together in the early stages, and in doing so rather neuters the match. It doesn’t help that Jericho’s attempts at making him lose his temper are just things like saying “hey Punk your Dad is an alcoholic!” And Punk apparently falls for this cheap, lazy ploy hook line and sinker. It makes him look a bit petty. Anyway, there are a couple of cool spots to brighten up the bout’s formative minutes, including a nasty suplex onto the floor from Jericho to Punk. The near falls are properly good. Punk resists both a Lionsault and the Walls of Jericho, but his own attempt at hitting the Randy Savage homage elbow goes awry when Jericho gets his knees up, and follows up with the Codebreaker. Luckily for the champ, the impact sends him flying out of the ring, and by the time Jericho brings him back in he’s sourced enough energy to hit a Go 2 Sleep! Y2J denies him victory by getting his foot on the ropes. Top rope huracanrana is smoothly countered with the Walls! Punk just about makes the ropes! He then tries to springboard off them, but Jericho greets him in mid-air with the Codebreaker! Walls of Jericho! Will we see a new champion? No! Because Punk smoothly shifts into position for the Anaconda Vice, and while the challenger does his best to fight it off, once it’s properly locked on he has no choice but to tap out! *** ½. Very good match. It started off quite slowly but I didn’t think it was actively boring or anything, and then the finishing sequence was really, really well done. It’s a pity, because this, Hell in a Cell and the main event all could have worked a bit better if they’d lost five minutes or so, and if that time had been allocated to Sheamus-Bryan, we could have had four absolute classics. As I said, it probably worked out best long term for Bryan the way things actually transpired, but this could have been one of the best Wrestlemanias of all time with a few alterations to the format. As it was, this was still a high quality WWE Championship match.
Brodus Clay comes out to dance and reveals that his mother is a black woman with a huge prosthetic arse. Then a whole troupe of black women with huge prosthetic arses come out to dance with him and this is quite a racist thing. Yikes.
MATCH 8- THE ROCK VS. JOHN CENA
You may remember this ‘The Rock’ fellow costing John Cena the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania 27. The next night on Raw it was decided that they would meet in the main event of Wrestlemania 28! The Rock would then sporadically turn up on WWE television over the course of the year and be all like “JOHN CENA! YOU WEAR BRIGHT COLOURS! I FUCKING HATE YOU! VICKIE GUERRERO IS OVERWEIGHT AND DISGUSTING!” In spite of this blatant dickheadery he remained wildly popular, and Miami is about 90/10% in the hometown hero’s favour.
Rock snares Cena in a La Magistral cradle for an early two count! I like Cena trying his best to stay calm while he double checks with the referee that it was only a two count. Cena goes a bit villain-ish, taking the fight to the floor and driving Rocky ribs first into the announce table. He seems to be targeting the midriff of ‘The Great One,’ also landing a belly to belly suplex and even resorting to a bearhug. Rock fights back with a DDT, but it’s too early for the People’s Elbow. “You Can’t See Me!” crows the Rock. “How rude! Your attitude sure needs adjusting!” retorts Cena! By which I mean, Cena hits the Rock with the Attitude Adjustment! ‘The People’s Champ’ pulls himself back to his feet, and drops Cena with the Rock Bottom! Cena goes up top and gets impressive air on his guillotine leg drop. Sharpshooter! Awful Sharpshooter from the Rock! It’s the battle of two hugely talented professional wrestlers who somehow still haven’t learned to apply their finishing submission holds correctly, Cena replies with an STF and that doesn’t later on don’t look so great either. Still, Rock seems on the brink of passing out from the pain, but he’s able to tense his arm up when the referee tries to drop it for a third time, and that gives him the mojo to fight back. Samoan Drop! Spinebuster! People’s Elbow! Only enough for a two count! Rock tries a high crossbody off the top rope, but Cena rolls through and hits the Attitude Adjustment! One! Two! Kick-out! Hahaha, Cena’s going to try the People’s Elbow! The little smirk on his face as he goes through the motions is terrific, just dripping with attitude! Unfortunately, his bold gamble doesn’t pay off, as he charges right into the Rock Bottom! One! Two! Three! Rock beats Cena! *** ¼. In retrospect, it probably would have been best if they’d done a real main event at Wrestlemania 27, built this for two or three months instead of a full year, and done a 10-15 minute sprint like Cena did to excellent effect with Batista at Wrestlemania 26. Of course, after a year long build they needed to extend the bout for over 20 minute to give it a semblance of being a Wrestlemania epic, but that came at a cost to the quality of the match. There was definitely at least 15 minutes of quality action here. Some of the near falls were really exciting, The Rock’s charisma and facial expressions were as superb as you’d expect from a man noted for his charisma who is also a successful actor, and it was interesting to Cena play heel a little bit. The crowd were super into this, which really enhanced the match as well. It was a good main event for sure, but ultimately Rock had been in one match in eight years in the run-up to this, and at times it showed. With a view to wrestling for just over half an hour they kept the pace unnaturally slow considering both guys are fired up showboats at heart. There was noticeable downtime with Cena’s early bear hug, and the two more dramatic submissions were so poorly executed that they might as well just have been excuses for the competitors to get their wind back. Some of the near falls were really good, as I’ve said, but they were light on transitions and it did sometimes feel like they were exchanging moves in lieu of any better way to fill up half an hour. I think this could have been much worse, it was a creditable effort all things considered. I’m in no rush to watch it again, but it’s a decent ‘Mania main event, and I’d imagine fans of the Rock would find a lot to like about it.