Jake’s Wacky Wrestling Takes: Wrestle King-DUMB, Zayn & Styles, and Who Really Deserves a Universal Title Match

As a massive fan of the writers here at 411mania for many years now, it was great to see the once prolific TJ Hawke return with a Wrestle Kingdom 12 review a couple of weeks ago. I don’t know what kind of sabbatical this dude’s been on for like the last half a year or so, but damn he came back like a man on fire… on fire!

Hawke has never been shy in his criticism for the New Japan house style, or any of the wrestling content that doesn’t appeal to the clear and specific kind of matches he likes. I’ve long respected the way many reviewers can start to project a unique voice once they’ve crossed over a threshold of mass reviewing. You see it here regularly with Larry Csonka and Kevin Pantoja, two guys I’m more likely to often agree with than TJ, but that doesn’t stop me from enjoying the literate, careful and entertaining criticism of someone who clearly loves wrestling and has a different interpretation on a match from me.

Because, damn, I loved Wrestle Kingdom! But I still have a few criticisms of my own… so much so, you might even want to brand the show Wrestle King-DUMB!

“When the sun go down / when the J (wrestling) go round / in the middle of the night / Bet your (fav) goes down / (title) reign (not) come down.”

In the top three matches of the show, the three main title holders in New Japan, Okada, Tanahashi and Omega all retained when many thought they were going to lose. This was fine, it was unpredictable, which is good, but I’m starting to think booking these matches in the first place, since there were no title changes, was ultimately dumb.

At Wrestle Kingdom 11 we had two incredible matches, Okada vs. Omega and Tanahashi vs. Naito, and these pairs met two more times in 2017, so you’d think that was enough. However, the last matches in both cases were part of the G1 tournament, and I don’t think the constraint of those matches (time limit, different stakes) was a fitting conclusion to either rivalry. Wrestle Kingdom 12 really should have featured the 4th and final match in both cases, one year in the making and crazy epic. It’s nice to have variety, but the two rematches I’m suggesting would have been way better than the top three matches we got instead – it’s just chemical fact.

And man, it would have been such better dramatic irony if Naito used his G1-winning championship shot to challenge for the Intercontinental Title anyways, after that belt defined his 2017. Rejecting a IWGP Title Match at the Tokyo Dome after losing in disgrace at Wrestle Kingdom 8 as the Stardust Genius would have been sweet, especially since he’d been demoted from the main event that night because the fans voted for the Intercontinental Title match between Tanahahsi and Nakamura to headline instead.

I liked the Jericho and Jay White matches fine, but in hindsight they now feel like just speed bumps in the New Japan narrative, and possibly more of a desperate move to attract foreign fans instead of crafting the best possible matches for this show. Chasing international eyeballs is a fine marketing strategy, but could also be a DUMB one if it means buckling to WWE business logic instead of continuing with the best practices that put them in this position in the first place.

But as the dudes who sang the theme song to the US President’s D-list reality-competition show said, “Money, money, money – mon-ay!”

“Tell the AJ Styles to suck a Zayn because he own ya!”

AJ Styles is a great wrestler, and I’ve been a huge fan for a long time (fine, I feel the need to say this every time I’m about to talk shit about Styles… does that make it better?). You can like two wrestlers at the same time, right? Or you can like 50, but that’s not why we come to websites like this. Nah, we come here to argue like children about who we think is THE best. So yeah, I’m gonna compare AJ Styles and Sami Zayn, and as arbitrary as it may seem at first, I think by the end of this segment you’ll not only agree that the comparison is apt, but also that Sami Zayn is clearly the better wrestler right now AND has had the better career. That’s right.

Let’s break it down into categories:

Singles Star Status: On this one I’ll have to give the nod to AJ, having been TNA’s greatest star, despite the various booking committees flip-flopping on whether or not to push him as a main event-er, and the just terrible writing and producing over there that put him into dumb storylines and never helped him to develop any semblance of a coherent or interesting personality for 10 years. But, OK, he was a major part of a globally broadcast federation, and did main event many major shows for them. Prior to coming to the WWE, Sami Zayn as El Generico was never really the top star of a major promotion for an extended period of time, but let’s also remember that he was a lanky, mask-wearing, mute character, and fighting against this tide he got himself incredibly “over”, as they say, on his way to becoming a major US indy main event-er for years. Along with that handicap that he so artfully overcame, when he did sign with the WWE he had to start from the bottom: re-shape his body, work without a mask, cut actual promos, and have all that connect with a new audience who didn’t just chant for El Generico to come back constantly – all of which he has since done spectacularly. On the other hand, AJ Styles got to WWE and was gifted an instant Royal Rumble spot and a series of high profile matches with some of the best wrestlers in the company. So yeah, fine, he’s a bigger singles star than Sami Zayn, but he’s like lifetime blue-chipper Peyton Manning to Zayn’s being drafted at 199. Advantage = Styles

Tag Team Runs: Styles and Christopher Daniels had a pretty fantastic run as a Tag Team in TNA, even though that was really kind of a demotion for two guys who should have been main event solo stars at the time. But was that run really better than the epic Steenerico Tag Team, and their matches across the high profile indies of the mid-2000s? Nah. Advantage = Zayn

Highest Profile Feud: AJ Styles had to suffer under the creative control of TNA for so long that no matter how many great matches he had it was virtually impossible for them to find a marquee feud for him. I guess the best example would be the 3-Way rivalry with Daniels and Samoa Joe, of which they had a classic match that was ultimately repeated ad nauseam for the next few years in that TNA squeeze-blood-from-a-stone, kind of way. Generico, well, the purpose of any great tag team is their tragic split, and everyone will remember that year long feud between Generico and Steen in ROH. Advantage = Zayn

Japan: While Styles was IWGP Champion in New Japan he had some good matches with Tanahashi and Okada, but I wouldn’t say he was raising the bar that those two had set in that company over the preceding years. El Generico, on the other hand was DDT Champion at the tail end of the Kota Ibushi and Kenny Omega era, and had some great matches against both guys in defence of that belt. So just from a visibility standpoint you’d have to give it to Styles, but it’s not as wide a margin as you’d think. Advantage = Styles

Match vs. Nakamura: Both men have had high profile matches with late-career Shinsuke Nakamura. While the AJ Styles match was great it wasn’t even the best match on the Wrestle Kingdom card that night, let alone in New Japan for that calendar year. However, the Zayn/Nakamura match transcended the WWE genre and was the best singles match either man has had in the company, easily the best match of the Wrestlemania weekend, and arguably the best WWE match that year. Advantage = Zayn

PPV Matches vs. Kevin Owens in WWE: This one’s not even close. The disappointingly mediocre matches between Styles and Owens on WWE PPV don’t even come close in quality to the two Zayn/Owens classics. And we all are dying to see Zayn and Owens go at it on PPV again, no one’s looking for a repeat of Styles/Owens at this point. Advantage = Zayn

Heel Turns: AJ Styles’ heel turn came after an awkward intro to the WWE as a babyface, and then took the easy route of being anti-John Cena. As well, Styles’ charisma level as a face or heel is more Chris Benoit than Chris Jericho, and sidling him with two of the most annoying former Bullet Club members (from an exceptionally annoying faction in the first place) didn’t help to make Styles any more badass or win much praise for his work. Zayn on the other hand, the dude is a natural ultra-babyface, the guy can make you want root for him with all your soul from just a shrug and a wink, so he was already running up a hill in ice skates trying to turn heel. Yet, he’s been exceptional in the role, a layered and nuanced performance that mixes logic with arrogance, humour and violence, and has teamed him (much like Styles) with an old ally, but one who is also capable of sophistication rather than that cheap and cheesy Bullet Club heat. Advantage = Zayn

So, in conclusion, as great as AJ Styles is, Sami Zayn is obviously the better wrestler in every objective measurable. Prove me wrong, I dare you!

“I was up late night trollin’, countin’ up (fake) contenders by the thousand.”

Who actually, really deserves a Universal Title Match?

Now is truly the winter of our discontent, WWE fans (or what’s left of you), about to be made glorious summer by a Universal Title 3-Way match – and trust me, this ain’t no divine parhelion. It’s just another wheel-spinning Brock Lesnar Universal Title match, where we all knew the outcome before they even needed to make the damn match.

I’m not gonna say the rudely stamped Universal Title is the reason why dogs bark at the deformity of the WWE when it walks by these days, but it sure can’t help that the main championship belt promoted by a faux-sports league is illogically defended in rare random matches of little consequence.

So I want to look at the “real” contenders for this sad belt. But first, let’s just make it clear exactly who DOESN’T deserve a Universal Title Match against Brock Lesnar at this point in time:

Samoa Joe: Defeated clean with one F5 (Great Balls of Fire)

Roman Reigns: Defeated with an F5 in a multi-man match (SummerSlam 2017)

Braun Strowman: Defeated clean with one F5 (No Mercy)

AJ Styles: Defeated clean with one F5 (Survivor Series)

These dudes should hit the bricks until they can win a Royal Rumble or another arbitrarily booked PPV main event multi-man #1 contenders match when Brock is at home chopping trees and surely watching The Fishing Channel on Monday nights instead of RAW.

Here’s my list of the REAL contenders and the dumb-ass reasons WWE isn’t giving them a title match with Brock.

John Cena: Despite being destroyed at the infamous SummerSlam ’14 main event, few remember the pretty awesome Night of Champions main event one month later that John Cena won by DQ. By traditional wrestling logic the man deserves another one-on-one title shot, but when Lesnar finally returned like 5 months later, Cena had to share his match in the 3-way with Seth Rollins at Royal Rumble 2015. Rollins was pinned here and Cena again never received a re-match with Brock.

The illogical WWE reason why he’s not getting a shot = Strangely, Cena seems ineligible to be a major WWE Champion because he’s working a part-time schedule at this point, despite Brock Lesnar himself barely working, and even when he does wrestle it’s for about 1/3 of the time in the ring Cena that will give us.

Finn Balor: Of course, we all know Finn Balor had to relinquish the Universal title the day after being the first man to win it, and since returning almost a year ago now hasn’t even been close to getting a chance to fight for that belt.

The illogical WWE reason why he’s not getting a shot = Balor is snake-bitten apparently, due to a long career putting his body on the line. Balor currently appears to be great shape these days though, while Lesanr, who had a legit issue with diverticulitis that kept him out of the UFC (and led to him getting his ass kicked for real on multiple occasions in the octagon), gets to be champion even though he can’t seem to wrestle for more than 15 minutes in matches where basically all he has to do is throw his opponents around.

Goldberg: Sure, Goldberg lost to Lesnar at Wrestlemania 33, but the WWE does continual re-matches for months in situations like this (hello, Sheamus vs. Del Rio!), and the dude clearly is owed a re-match for that belt.

The illogical WWE reason why he’s not getting a shot = Oh, he’s too old obviously, even though he was fine to take the belt from an in-his-prime Kevin Owens in a non-match that even Pacman Jones would have been embarrassed to be a part of.

Kevin Owens: Despite having the most ridiculous and stupid loss for a world title in a PPV main event this side of a drunken Jeff Hardy, Owens never got a solid re-match for the Universal Title that he lost by the dreaded “entrance music distraction” finisher.

The illogical WWE reason why he’s not getting a shot = He’s no longer on Lesnar’s RAW brand, even though being on a certain brand is entirely an arbitrary decision by the WWE, and if they wanted to Owens to get his re-match they could have kept him on RAW. Instead they prefer a dude with the personality of a middle-of-the-season Walking Dead episode and a scratched-CD track-skipping mouthpiece instead of a guy who, if given the chance, could be just as badass and cruel as the old Lesnar.

Daniel Bryan: Much like Finn Balor, Bryan had to give up his World Title due to injury and upon his return was shuffled down to mid-card belt competition instead of instantly getting a chance at the title he never lost. If Bryan comes out of retirement, he should immediately get a shot at Brock Lesnar, who was apparently supposed to John Cena him at SummerSlam 2014.

The illogical WWE reason why he’s not getting a shot = Because they have the one doctor on Earth who won’t clear Bryan to wrestle again, yet still checkmarks at least 100 other active wrestlers to destroy their health and bodies on WWE’s “independent contractor” schedule. Everyone except, of course, Universal Champion Brock Lesnar who makes about 1,000x more money and works about 1/1,000 as much, likely enduring none of the wear and tear 99% of the roster does in the pursuit of a title match they’ll never get.

Randy Orton: While they had to stop the SummerSlam 2016 match due to severe blood loss after a brutal elbow by Lesnar, Orton wasn’t “officially” pinned or submitted, and was never given another shot at Lesnar.

The illogical WWE reason why he’s not getting a shot = Also now a Smackdown competitor, Orton has also apparently transitioned into some kind of gatekeeper role despite being more active than Lesanr, in better shape, and arguably more “over” as they say.

Kurt Angle: In 2007, Angle tapped Lesnar out in their last match against each other in IGF over the weirdly disputed IWGP title at the time. If Kurt is actively wrestling again and Brock is the champion of his brand, then being the last guy who tapped him out should put him in line for a title shot.

The illogical WWE reason why he’s not getting a shot = Booking yourself into a Universal Title match as the General Manager of RAW would be a conflict of interest I guess, even though power mad narcissistic Kurt Angle is the one we all loved in the first place instead of the empty-stare moralist you’re forced to endure in boring-ass backstage segments every week. Nah, instead let’s leave the matchmaking to an “advocate” who has no power in the historical narrative structure of the WWE and is, in fact, a character despised by RAW Commissioner Stephanie McMahon.

Jinder Mahal: Jinder Mahal was booked in a non-title match against Lesnar but lost his championship to AJ Styles at the last minute and was replaced in the match. Sure, he lost to Styles, but the WWE would NEVER force Brock to defend his title on TV with such little warning, so it’s unfair that Jinder was put in that situation, and by rights is still owed a match against Brock.

The illogical WWE reason why he’s not getting a shot = Read the blog-o-sphere – “the experiment is over”! Jinder was supposedly put into a position to carry an entire multi-billion dollar company into a new era of global prosperity even though he had no experience whatsoever with that kind of responsibility creatively or marketing-wise. So now he’s done, and the WWE apparently would rather rely on a guy who they’re paying way more money, does practically nothing and has failed to move the needle for the WWE globally or domestically as a “real sport” absentee champion for like 4 years or something now.

But let’s get wacky! All of the above contenders would make for better matches than the one currently schedule for the Royal Rumble; however, here now are three contenders MOST deserving of a Universal Title Match with Brock Lesnar:

Asuka: Let’s go, inter-gender wrestling! She’s undefeated, played up like an MMA-style bad ass, and since we know this shit ain’t real, why not? 2018 equality, yo. Let’s let Asuka play the Spike Dudley roll to Lesnar’s Mike Awesome.

Vince McMahon: This guy took the most legit “shoot” move in a WWE ring in 2017 (if not longer), and you don’t think Vince wouldn’t love to get in there one more time against someone he would have no business beating? He’s made some pretty amazing matches with that formula in the past, and if anybody at 72-years-YOUNG could give it a go now, it’s Vince!

Kane: That’s right, the very man stuck in a 3-way match with Brock and the undeserving Braun Strowman, is probably the most deserving of an actual one-on-one title match. Now, I know it’s not “hip” to like Kane, but the man has an incredible WWF/E resume of longevity, big matches and championships, and I contend that anyone of his stature deserves main event world title shots at anytime. Hell, they did it for Goldberg, who barely accomplished anything in WWE compared to Kane. And who did Brock beat to get his title shot at Wrestlemania last year?

I’m guessing the main argument against Kane is that the match would suck. Well… screeeccchhh… hit the brakes. WWE kind of all-around suck these days anyways, pal. So chances are most matches they put on, especially those with Brock Lesnar, are likely gonna gonna be lame . Kane isn’t the problem, clearly he is willing to work hard and would go in there and prepare a great match with Lesnar or anyone, but the WWE won’t make a storyline about his age or ways that he might adapt his style and train to fight Lesnar specifically. They want to pretend this is the exact same Kane from 20 years ago, a monster with super powers who can scare people and beat anyone. Well, then yeah, with that logic the match makes no sense.

The WWE owes Kane one last great story after all the crap they’ve put him though, all he’s endured, and all the great work he’s done regardless. Is Kane destined to just disappear like other WWE greats, such as Christian, Rey Mysterio, Mark Henry, Big Show, and -by god- Mick Foley, without getting a real final run comparable to everything he’s done for the company? C’mon WWE, kick Braun out of that Rumble match, rip that mask off Kane, send him in there with real motivation instead of this voodoo nonsense, let him cut a mayoral candidate level promo, give him free reign to block out that match, and let him walk out as Universal Champion. I mean, what other ideas you got that are any better?