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This week, we have the return of YOUR Universal Champion and he is one tramp stamp away from facing Roman Reigns! In other news that has nothing to do with wrestling, my friends and I talk to another friend and former writer of 411mania.com about Black Twitter, the Los Angeles bar scene, cucumber vodka, my new Batman shirt, and more!

Now, to wrestling!

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The show starts with a graphic for Bruno Sammartino, and the crowd chanting for him. At the top of the stage is the entire roster, with Vince, Roman, Sasha, Finn, Alexa, Seth, and Lashley in the front-most position. Sasha is one of Vince’s boys, ya’ll.

After the toll of the ten bells, we get an awesome video package, of course.

Booker T is joining us, and he gives Corey a fair warning not to talk shit, lest he wanna get got!

Heyman and Brock are out to some boos just before commercial break.

We return to Heyman introducing himself and his champion. Apparently, we think Heyman is out here to gloat and say “We told you so.” Heyman brings up the streak for some more boos, the win over Cena is mentioned as well. He says no one in the locker room deserves Brock. Heyman gloats all night long. He gloats over all of Brock’s destructions and beating Reigns’ ass. He calls Reigns a piece of Samoan Trash. None of this means anything to Lesnar, though. Lesnar doesn’t gloat. He doesn’t dwell in the past, even when the past is only two weeks ago. Brock looks forward to the future, especially when the future is this Friday, in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, at the greatest Royal Rumble Event, when Brock – who so craves to be in a UFC fight – will fly across the world for the mere opportunity to be locked inside a cage with Roman Reigns.

There’s a Roman chant of about 5 people. It’s a valiant effort.

Heyman claims that Reigns had no choice but to be a part of a big match in a cage, and Reigns had no say. Brock earned the contract that he received by beating Roman Reigns. Brock said he’s down for fighting Reigns, but it needs to be a FIGHT. And it needs to be in a Steel Cage. And we think it’s to Roman’s advantage? The odds are stacked against Reigns. Brock is the greatest cage fighter in the history of the Brocktagon, and when Brock is done with Reigns in the cage, he will shed Reigns piece by piece, and Reigns will come back to the USA in multiple boxes, as a former WWE Superstar….

Heyman is finally cut off by the music of Roman Reigns. Thankfully, he is not yet in pieces. Man Bun fully intact.

Camera is quick to find people cheering for Roman.

Reigns enters the ring and tells Brock that Heyman’s right. He doesn’t know how he’s going to come back, but he knows that he’s coming home with that title, and we can believe that.

Apparently, this took guts, according to Cole..

A commercial break goes here…

Elias is in the middle of the ring, and just before he begins his mini concert, the music of Bobby Roode interrupts him. It’s GLORIOUS.

Match 1: Bobby Roode vs Elias
Lockup to start, and ELi gets the side headlock. Whip to the ropes, and ELi hits a shoulder tackle. Hop over Bobby on the floor, high elbow from Roode. Chop from Bobby. Kick in the corner and another chop. A third. Elias with a chop of his own. Bobby gets him in another corner and hits another chop. Whip to the corner from Eli who eats a boot. Roode hops off the top rope, favors the knee, hits an Inverted Atomic Drop and a dropkick and pins for 1..2…NO! Bobby works the left arm down on the mat then stands and pulls on it a few times. He continues to tug on it, then works the left. Right hand from Elias to the face. Chop from Elias, leaving Bobby on the ropes. Eli hits another chop. Whip to the ropes, Bobby locks up for the DDT! Elias shoves him away, so Bobby clotheslines him over the top rope as we go to commercial.

Back, and Elias has Bobby in the corner. Bobby escapes, though, and hits a chop to Elias in the chest. Another chop, and a whip. Elias hits a kick off the ropes then a shove sends Bobby down. He grabs Bobby and sends him shoulder first into the corner! Elias uses this time to collect himself then cinches the trap of Roode. Just to show you how little this match matters, we get a commercial in the middle of the match for Taker vs Rusev. It takes roughly the same amount of time as the rest hold, so maybe it’s not that insulting…maybe. I’m just not sure who they’re advertising to….

Elias gets Roode in the corner and stomps him down. He leaves the ring, drags Bobby’s head over the apron, and drops him down hard. Running knee to the face. Eli rushes in and covers for 1..2..NO! Eli with a side headlock down on the mat. What, no commercial?

Roode stands and turns into the hold. Back body drop to Elias from ROode, and both men are down. Both men up and they exchange rights. Roode with a chop. Whip, reversed, clothesline from Roode. Another. He hits a clothesline in the corner, goes for a bulldog, but turns it into a swinging neckbreaker. Roode to the top rope. Roode flies off. Clothesline to Elias off the top rope! Roode calls for the GLORIOUS DDT! Kick to Elias, goes for it, but Eli counters, only for Roode to roll him up! Pin for 1..2…NO!!! Eli in the corner. Roode to the top rope. Blockbuster! Elias rolls to the outside of the ring as Roode tries to cover! Roode leaves the ring as well, grabs Elias, and sends him back into the ring.

Roode gets on the apron. Eli pulls the arm against the ropes! Elias with a roll up! 1……2…..3!!!!

Winner: Elias
Well that was….Roode
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Woken Matt Hardy is here! He has spoken to the Oracle and the future is clear. At the most humungous rumble of royalty, they will procure the tag team titles. But before this, they must ascend tonight to the abominable wasteland. He then asks if Bray is prepared. The screen goes dark. The background does as well. He tells Matt that there can be no light. Together, they will cast a shadow over all living things. They share a laugh, then say “Run.”

And so I shall…

We return to Michael Cole reading out hashtags off of Rock’s photo of his newest daughter. Does everything this man says bother me?

Yes…yes it does…

Anyway,

Match 2: Matt Hardy and Bray Wyatt vs The Ascension
Victor to start, with Matt, and he cartwheels to escape. Matt asks him to wait, and applauds his wrestling prowess. Matt with a Side Russian Leg Sweep. Tag to Bray, and they hit a Senton/Leg Drop mix. Stomp from Bray. Bray with a Uranage attempt, but Viktor escapes and tags in Konnor. He comes in only to get knocked down with a huge clothesline. Tag to Matt, who hits a kick from the corner, and Wyatt hits a shoulder tackle. Matt calls for Deletion. He kicks. Twist of F—NO! Konnor sends Matt into the corner. Double team from The Ascension. Viktor hits those CAMERA SHAKING STOMP KICKS in the corner! Tag to Konnor who comes in to help with a kick to Matt alongside Viktor. Elbow drop from Connor off the ropes. Pin for 1..2…NO!! Tag to Viktor who comes in, drops a fist, and covers for 1..2…NO!!! Cravat from behind. Matt hits elbows then a jawbreaker and tags in Bray, who hits a clothesline, then some chest thrusts into the corner and an uppercut. Bray sends Konnor off the apron then hits Viktor with a crossbody. Wyatt in the corner. Tag from Matt. Splash from Wyatt into a Side Effect from Matt and a cover for 1..2…NO!!! Matt locks the head. Twist of Fa—-NO!!! Konnor in to stop it! SISTER ABIGAIL TO KONNOR FROM WYATT!!! Tag to Wyatt.

Matt sets up, and we get the Wyatt-Assisted Twist of Fate. Cover from Bray. 1…2…3!!

Winners: Matt Hardy and Bray Wyatt
Welp..
Match Quality: *1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: *3/4

After a brief break, we head right into The Kevin and Sami Show!

The ring is set up with a table, two leather seats, and two mics on their own stands. Owens welcomes us all to the Sami and Kevin Show. Sami says this isn’t any old show, this is the new, hottest – maybe weekly – show. Owens says they’ll do it whenever they feel like it. This was created in vein of the departure of one of the greatest minds in the WWE history, The Miz. Who better to fill that void? Them. They are calling this The Greatest Royal Rumble Event because…they’re going to prove how great they are by winning the match. Sami says to take Friday off work to watch the Rumble. They were hand-picked by Stephanie McMahon as the crowd jewels of this show.

Owens says this is probably rubbing their guest the wrong way. Tonight is about fresh starts. They came up with a little song. Sami starts them off with a YOU SUCK sing a long.

Angle comes down. Owens retraces the last few months, including headbutting Vince. Sami says this means that either Steph really likes them, or really dislikes Angle. Angle says he wouldn’t be surprised – Stephanie would still have full use of her arm if it wasn’t for Angle. OWens says Angle needs this job, with his 6 kids. Or is it 6? Owens says 6. Sami says 5. Angle looks through his notes. OWens says there’s the mistake – he forgot Jason Jordan. Sami says it’s ok, for years, Kurt forgot about him too.

Owens says that Angle needs to give them the opportunity to maximize the talent they have. Angle says he appreciates the way they have treated him, and he wants to repay them. So at the Rumble – Angle will be in that match. So will Daniel Bryan. So will Chris Jericho. As well as all the other people they’ve pissed off. That’s Friday, though, so tonight they will tag together to take on….

Bobby Lashley and Braun Strowman.

Backstage, Seth Rollins is smiling at the nudes he just received.

Axel and Bo are there as well and say last week, they said goodbye to The Miz. Now it’s time to BURN IT DOWN!!!

They reveal shirts and say that they can be the New Shield – all they need is The Architect. They extend fists. Seth says this will be a hard no.

Recap of Dolph’s return and that new guy he showed up with. Looks like this guy I know who was used to be in a band…

Match 3: Dolph Ziggler and Drew McIntyre vs Titus O’Neil and Apollo Crews
Dolph and Titus to start, and Titus tosses Dolph into the corner hard as fuck. Huge chop from Titus. He stomps Dolph down in the corner then steps on his head before tagging Apollo in. Apollo with a clothesline, sending Dolph Down. Standing Moonsault and a pin for 1..2…NO! Dolph with a right. APollo shoves him into the ropes. BLind tag from Drew. Dolph knocks Apollo down then leaves the ring. Drew chops Apollo a few times in the corner. Apollo fights out, but Drew ain’t having it. He hits a belly to belly over the head and sends Apollo into the corner. He blocks a kick out of the corner, lifts the legs over his head, for an Alabama Slam. Dolph tags. SUPERKICK TO THE HEAD! ALABAMA SLAM!!! Tag from Dolph, who lifts APollo after Drew knocks TItus off the apron.

Claymore from Drew along with a Zig Zag, and a pin from Dolph for….1….2…..3!!!

Winners: Dolph Ziggler and Drew McIntyre
Good for you, Drew.
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

After-match interview where Dolph says no one watched his back, but now he has someone watching his back. Drew is dangerous. Drew says he sees a locker room that has gone soft, people just collecting checks, and it makes him sick. This is what a Superstar looks like. This is how a Superstar speaks. He has all the credentials in the world, and trust him when he tells us that times are changing. He’s not what the WWE wants, he is the wake up call and reality check this place needs.

Dolph doesn’t give a damn about stealing the show, because THIS IS THE SHOW!

Chad Gable is backstage with Angle, and Angle informs him that he didn’t bring him to RAW to team with Jordan. Gable thanks him. In comes Jinder, and I get up to get something to eat and nearly miss the totally awesome jab of Jinder calling Gable the kid who teamed with Braun to win the tag team titles. hahaha.

This leads to a match. Jinder is out first.

Gable next, who stands on the steps and yells at one of the Singh brothers. This allows Jinder to attack from out of nowhere! He destroys Gable a bit, then rolls him into the ring. The ref checks on Gable and backs Jinder up. Jinder shouts for the bell to start.

Match 4: Jinder Mahal vs Chad Gable
Gable, ever the champion, is ready. Gable attacks in the corner. Jinder nearly sandbags his ass as he shoots for the hips. Jinder escapes and kicks Gable right in the face…Jinder tries for a suplex, but Chad floats over for a pin for 1..2.NO!! Jinder tries to clothesline, but Gable holds the ropes and Jinder tumbles to the outside! Gable leaves and goes for a right but is rejected as we go to break!

We are back from the seemingly mandatory Mid-Match Commercial Break, and Jinder has the upperhand. He’s cinching the head of Fable in the middle of the ring. I accidentally typed FABLE, but it’s ok because that’s his career thus far. Jinder with a suplex into a pin for 1..2..NO! Stomp to the back of Gable. Both men up, and Gable is trying hard to fight back. Jinder stops the fight with a right and whips him into the corner chest first. High elbow from Mahal! Jinder drops some knees to the prone Gable until….he lifts his feet and kicks Mahal in the chin! Mahal goes for a clothesline, but Gable hits a rolling kick! He pulls the left leg and drops his knee onto it a few times! DRAGON SCREW! Gable grabs the leg and falls back towards Mahal’s face! Damn! He kicks the leg a few times. Jinder hits a kick. Fireman’s. Gable drops down after some elbows. Against the ropes. Jiunder holds on. Drops Gable on the ropes! Running high knee!!!! Shit!!! Jinder calls for it. He locks up from behind!

GABLE LOCKS THE LEG!! HE RUNS UP THE ROPES! Gable falls back! It’s a pin! ITS A PIN!! 1….2…..3!!!!

Winner:
Gable just gave Jinder a great match…color me surprised…
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: **3/4

Wow, Gable…wow.

Backstage, Riott Squad is here with Renee. Riot says last week was a direct message to the entire division. Liv says they aren’t here to become role models. They are here to attack. Morgan makes a horrible hunting metaphor. Liv says that if the other girls get a little too close, they get the Bayley and Sasha treatment. Riot says they’re like tear gas. She’s not wrong…

Samoa Joe does a selfie promo and even though these are stupid, Joe is still bad ass. I thought they got rid of TOUT….

Backstage, Bo and Axel are still petitioning for a leader. They’re now talking to Finn. Bo and Axel think that THE BAXEL Club would be too sweet. They’re now wearing Finn shirts. They hold up the fingers. Finn thanks them, bu says no thanks, then lowers their little hand gestures. haha.

Match 5: Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn vs Braun Strowman and Bobby Lashley
The match starts with Owens and Sami leaving the ring IMMEDIATELY to talk strategy. Guys, I literally spent several seconds wondering if I spelled strategy correctly…

Anyway, Braun rushes out of the ring, goozles both dudes, and sends Sami into the barricade. He sends OWens into the ring where Lashley beats dat ass for a bit. Right hand to Owens. Rushed shoulder in the corner, then some hard forearms to the top of the head to Owens. Boot to the throat until the ref stops him. Lashley grabs the head of Owens and drops an elbow on his head. Whip to the ropes. Owens with akick. He locks the head and Sami and tags himself as Cole says another stupid statement. Sami in the ring with right hands and a chop to Lashley. Kick from Lashley. Tag from Owens as Sami locks up with Lashley in the corner. Owens with stomps and kicks in the corner. My feed skips like an entire minute and I come back to LAshley hitting some Snake Eyes and a crossbody on Zayn for 1..2…NO!!! Lashley out of the corner and into the other with a shoulder. He hits the ropes for another, but Owens holds the ropes and Lashley drops to the floor. Running Senton from Owens!

We come back to the show and Lashley just belly to bellies Sami all the way across the ring. He reaches for a tag to Braun, but Owens stops ihm and mounts with a bunch of right hands. The ref stops Owens for a bit, so he hits a running senton. But Lashley moves! Owens rolls towards Sami. Tag and he stops Lashley from tagging in Strowman with a choke from behind. Lashley is able to stand anyway, and reaches for the tag. He’s losing energy, though! Back body drop to break the hold. Lashley is close. Owens is on the outside! He pulls Braun off the apron!!! Sami is up. Owens back on the apron. Braun is PISSED!! He stomps up the steps and calls for the tag yet again. Sami with a whip into the corner. Lashley knocks Owens off the apron. Clothesline to Sami. TAG TO BRAUN!!! Instead of getting the ring, he runs around the ring and TRUCKS OWENS! Holy shit! Back in the ring with a clothesline! He leaves the ring to knock Owens down all over again!!! Back in the ring with a clothesline! Braun leaves the ring for the third time! RUNNING DROPKICK OWENS!!!! He gets back in the ring. SAMI LEAVES! He runs up the ramp. Lashley follows and brings him back into the ring. Braun with a huge hit to the chest. Splash in the corner! GET THESE HANDS chant is HUGE!!! It also stops rather abruptly…Tag to Lashley. Braun tosses Sami across the ring. Lashley in. Vertical Suplex. Stalling for pleasure. The crowd loves it.

Lashley finally drops ihm. Tag to Braun. He’s in with a thumbs up, then turns it down. Powerslam! Pin for 1…2….3!!!!

Winners: Braun Strowman and Bobby Lashley
Braun doin what Braun does is a joy.
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ***1/2
Total Rating: ***

We are back to the show, and No Way Jose is here with Not-the-Rosebuds. Booker asks where the last guy is who danced down to the ring with a bunny…

Fair point.

Baron Corbin is here. So I’ve lost all interest.

Corbin has a mic. He sees through Jose’s plan. It’s clearly a setup for his guys to jump Corbin from behind while he’s kicking Jose’s ass. He gets Jose; he’s here to have fun. Corbin’s idea of fun is ruining peoples’ fun. He’s on RAW to be champion. He tells Jose that he’s not on his level. Corbin knows that he thinks there’s going to be a match tonight, but as long as Corbin has that group of freaks, he says no way, Jose…

Jose grabs a mic. He says that just because Corbin doesn’t want them to have fun doesn’t mean the party has to stop. He asks for the music to be hit, and we get some partying. Cole loves it.

They conga all the way up the ramp until….

CORBIN COMES BACK OUT TO ATTACK NO WAY JOSE!!! haha

We now have A Moment of Bliss

it’s Alexa doing a PSA. She brings up her and her former friend coming across a homeless lady. Alexa tried to give her the burrito bowl she had, but Nia just gobbled the bowl down right in front of her. She’ll never forget the sound of Nia’s laughing and chewing. Alexa did nothing. She’s going to have to live with it! She mentions Sasha, Bayley, EMber, and Natalya and tells them not to be a silent accomplice to Nia’s bullying. Bullies never win. This has been our moment of Bliss.

Match 6: Finn Balor and Seth vs Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel
Finn and Bo to start. Bo with a side headlock. Hit the ropes. Bo with a shoulder tackle. Bo and Axel bump fists ala Shield, and it’s a tag. Lockup with Finn. Side headlock and Finn gets hit with a shoulder tackle. Axel and Bo go Too Sweet this time. Finn with a go-behind. Axel with an elbow. Whip to the ropes. Finn reverses, AXel flips over. Axel rolls through, Finn kicks out, Cover for 1..NO! Wrist lock and Bo distracts. Axel with a right hand. He chokes Finn up on the ropes then tags in Bo who comes in with a knee drop. Cover for 1..2…NO! Knee drops over and over to the face. Pin for 1..2..NO! Cravat from behind.
[Please excuse this small interruption for a bathroom break of extreme necessity. 411mania thanks and loves you]
Rollins with a suicide dive to the outside! He sends Axel back in and hits a blockbuster off the top rope! Seth calls for the curb stomp with some BURN IT DOWN fun. Bo in. Superkick to him. Acel goes for the PerfectPlex but Rollins counters. Curb Stomp! Tag to Balor!

Finn hops over the top rope onto Bo. Coup De Grace from Finn. Pin for 1..2…..3!!!

Winners: Finn Balor and Seth Rollins
Close your eyes. Imagine a match with Seth and Finn vs Bo and Axel. That’s what this was.
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Backstage, Natalya is trying to hype up the girls. Ember gets some promo time and sounds like a shitty villain. Natalya asks Nia how she feels. Nia says mocking Nia is bad for your health. Nia, Ember, and Natalya leave. Sasha turns to Bayley. Bayley stares her down then walks out. Wow…who writes this shit?

OMG. SO Bayley goes to hug a kid in the crowd, and some weirdo tries to hug her OVER the kid. Bayley completely ignores him and it’s the greatest thing I’ve seen the entire night…

Match 7: Alexa Bliss, Mickie James, Liv Morgan, Ruby Riot, and Sarah Logan vs Bayley, Sasha Banks, Nia Jax, Natalya, and Ember Moon
Liv and Sasha to start. Saha misses a clothesline. Surprise tag from Logan. Liv attacks and Sarah comes in to beat down Sasha with Liv. Logan attacks the back and rubs Sasha across the mat. She hits a knee to Sasha. Another one. Kick to the gut, but Sasha blocks and hits a kick of her own. Sasha hits the corner, gets tossed over the apron. Sasha with a kick. She swings with a kick to the gut of Sarah. Cover for 1..2..NO! Banks works the left arm. Sarah turns into the hold. Tag to Liv as Sasha falls into the heel corner. Liv grabs Sasha by the hair and whips her into the corner,. Kick from Sasha and goes for a clothesline, but Liv bends over backwards to escape. Sasha with a right hand when she pops up and covers for 1..2..NO! Sasha works the left arm. Sasha gets a tag from Ember who comes in to work the left arm, too. She flips Liv on her ass then covers for 1…NO! Ember works the left arm as Booker talks about the love he has for Ember. Ember whips Liv to the corner. Ember with a front flip into a hard forearm. Springboard crossbody into a pin for 1..2..NO! Ember hits the ropes. She flies with a suicide dive that actually looked good!!!

Back from a break and Sarah is treating Sasha like a gator. That’s a total assumption. Sarah escapes, goes for a tag, but Sarah stops her and slams her down. She brings Sasha into the heel corner and Mickie tags herself in, with Sarah getting a little upset about it. Mickie with a kick. We get another Greatest Royal Rumble commercial, giving me an insufficient look of Sasha Banks, which is upsetting. Mickie has her in a chinlock on the mat. Sasha stands into the hold, and hits some rights. Mickie with a knee. Tag to Natalya! She comes in with a clothesline. Another. Suplex to Mickie. She locks the head and goes for another one! Hits it. Nattie with a snapmare. She runs across the back of Mickie, then hits a dropkick to the face. Mickie kicks up, Nattie drops her. She goes for the Sharpshooter. LOCKS IT IN! Mickie reaches for the ropes, but Nattie drags her back in the middle of the ring. Logan rushes in and clips the leg of Nattie from behind! Tag from Nattie to Bayley, but Mickie kicks Nattie’s leg after the fact, causing her to fly down to the mat and pretend to cry. In the ring, Bayley ducks a clothesline and hits a side suplex to the newly tagge din Ruby. Ruby blocks a right and hits an STO and a cover for 1..2..NO! Ruby locks up from behind, and Bayley backs her into the corner. Tag to NIa. Nia lifts Ruby and sends her into the corner. Whip to the other corner. Splash. She lifts her into a Firemans. Press into the air, and Nia just drops her ass. Leg drop from Nia. Cover for 1..2..NO!!!! The whole heel team comes in to stop the pin. Sasha and Bayley clear the ring along with Ember. Nia stands alone on the apron. She stares at the group of women who all turn to Nia..

Oh fuck…

NIA DIVES INTO THE CROWD OF WOMEN!!! Wow…that was reckless.

Everyone dies. Game over. End Show.

Oh wait, Mickie James survived the plunder. She spots the refs helping Nattie. Mickie rushes into the ring back to the outside near the ramp. She attacks Natalya!!!! Stomp after stomp to Nattie!

RONDA IS HERE!!!!

She walks down the ramp and tries to help Nattie up, but Mickie James with a baseball slide to the back of Ronda!!

Ronda is pissed! She enters the ring and trips up Mickie then locks in an Arm bar for the DQ!!!

Winners via DQ: Alexa Bliss, Mickie James, Liv Morgan, Ruby Riot, and Sarah Logan

Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **1/4

Cole and Co hype the Greatest Royal Rumble one last time.

End Show

End Show