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It’s MONDAY NIGHT RAWW!!!!!!

A recap with a voice over starts RAW and reminds me of that Soap Opera Passions that my mom used to watch. Each week, they’d recap what happened the week prior and make it waaaaay more dramatic than it had any right to be…

If you didn’t get enough Roman in that opening, you’re in for a treat because, in the words of Michael Cole, we are live…with THE BIG DOG!!!

Roman Reigns seems flustered. He said that they are extremely talented and have a great future, but he’d never thought he’d have to say that he lost to The Revival…..why? Jesus…already?!

Ugh.

Anyways, Reigns wants to fight Bob, and if Kurt doesn’t want them to fight at Extreme Rules, then Reigns has no trouble doing it right now. He calls “Bob” a fool and an egomaniac because he thinks that he is the guy. But ten years ago, Lashley wasn’t the guy – he couldn’t handle the road. Ten years from now, he still won’t be the guy because Reigns is the guy. He is the man around here, the big dog who runs this yard.

In comes Dolph to cut Reigns off. Ziggler wants to get this straight; Reigns is calling someone else an egomaniac? Reigns, the person who walks around like he owns the place and calls Dolph’s ring his yard. You act like everythnig in this world must go through Reigns.

Drew says he couldn’t help himself, could Reigns? He’s always gotta play the hero, like last week when he helped Seth. If Reigns wants to make everything about him, that’s fine with them. Drew says it’s only fair that they return the favor of sticking Reigns nose in their business.

Reigns strikes Drew first, but Ziggler gets the legs. Drew attacks, and we got a beat down. Ziggler hits some stomps while Drew mounts and punches. In comes Seth ROllins to stop the beatdown. He kicks Drew on the side of the head then shoots for the legs of Dolph and attacks with fists. Drew drags Ziggler out of the ring, and this ends Segment 1.

Backstage, Reigns and Rollins are walking. They find Angle and want a match with Drew and Dolph. Angle says they can have the match next week. Angle says Lashley and Roman are teaming up tonight. Reigns throws a fit. Angle says fine, they can have the match tonight.

Matt Hardy makes his entrance, but Axel Hardy is here to cut a promo. He says that they must reboot the clash of titans, and hope for a new twist of fate. The lights go out, and here’s Bo Wyatt. He is spot on, and says that this time they must face the ferocious B-Team all by Matt’s lonesome. Axel breaks character to tell Bo to sing the song. They start singing “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands” and I realize that’s a long ass title for a song. I should look that up…

Match 1: Matt Hardy vs Curtis Axel

Lockup to start, and Matt with the go behind and a roll up for 1….NO! Axel backs up into the corner to talk to Bo. Another lockup and Curtis gets a side headlock. Takedown into a front faced headlock from Curtis. Matt grabs the arm and drops it on his shoulder a few times, then works the left arm and downs Axel. Whip to the ropes and Matt hits an elbow then an elbow drop. Pin for 1..2…NO! Matt with a hard right. Another. Whip to the ropes from Matt. Reversed. Back elbow from Axel. Axel sends Matt into the corner hard then stomps a bit. Axel scrapes the face then whips Matt. Matt with a kick off the rope. He goes for the Twist of Fate, but Axel rolls to the outside.

Axel lifts Matt on the return, but Matt fights out of it. Axel with a dropkick. Axel with a kick to the face. Matt with a right, but Axel fights back. Backbreaker onto the knee and a cover from Axel for 1…2..NO! Axel with a snapmare. He hits a front flip with a head grab and a pin for 1…2…NO!! Both guys on the apron. Side Effect from Matt Hardy! Matt rolls back in the ring. He hits elbows then does the Delete face smoosh in the corner. Hard clothesline from Matt. Another Side Effect, this time in the ring. Pin for 1..2…NO!! Matt hops up onto the 2nd rope. Elbow to the neck! Matt on the 2nd rope again. Elbow drop to Axel and a pin for 1..2..NO!!! Twist of Fate attempt, but Bo gets on the ropes. He distracts, Matt turns, and Axel kicks. Whip Is reversed.

Flapjack into the corner, then Axel hits a finisher that no one knows because he never wins, and Axel pins for 1..2….3!!!

Winners:
Pretty boring match, all things considered.
Match Quality: *1/2
Personal Enjoyment: *1/2
Total Rating: *½

Bobbly Lashley comes into Reigns locker room to tell him that no one likes him, and Bobby doesn’t like him either. He tells Reigns to check the ego at the door. Reigns tells him to shut up and says he’s going to start, finish, and win the match. He tells Bob to chill on the apron and collect the W. Bob says he’s going to hold Reigns responsible. Reigns asks if it’s a threat. Bobby says yes, yes it is a threat. Reigns doesn’t say anything.

We get a recap from last week where Bayley went Cray-ley on Sasha and Angle telling her she needs counseling.

So Bayley is chilling with a magazine. Sasha walks in, and they both have an appointment. The door opens, and it’s Dr. Shelby! He says he will be helping to guide them in their friendship counseling. He wants to invite them into what he calls, The Friend Zone.

We move to The Friend Zone, and he says the only rules are the Seven Tennants of Friendship: Love, Helping, Joy, Sharing, Time, Honesty, Respect.

And that’s clip 1….

Ugh……….

Match 2: Titus O’Neil and Apollo Crews vs AOP

Lockup to start with Razar and Titus. Whip to the ropes and Titus hits a shoulder tackle, knocking Razar into the corner. Tag to Apollo who comes in with a clothesline in the corner. He gets muscled into the heel corner and Akam gets a tag, then a firemans carry takeover. Whip to the corner and Crews hops over then flips away. He hops up then down then hits a dropkick off the rope work. Tag to Rzara and Akam grabs Apollo and puts him on the shoulders of his tag partner. Razar with some shoulder thrusts into the corner. He tosses Apollo aside then tosses him aside again. Cover for 1…..NO! ROpe break. Razar backs Apollo into the corner. Tag to Akam, and we get a double team neckbreaker, powerbomb move that looked pretty cool. Pin for 1..2..NO! Titus is in to stop it, but he gets sent directly into the corner shoulder first. Apollo with a roll up for 1..2.NO!

Tilt a whirl side slam from Akam. Tag to Razar. Last Chapter! Pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winners: Authors of Pain
They had to start somewhere…
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: *½

Kevin Owens has arrived at the arena. He parks near a gate, and apparently he cannot park there. Some valet dude is just so placed to tell him this. He asks for Owens keys, and Owens says no chance then walks into the arena.

Match 3: Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns vs Drew McIntyre and Dolph Ziggler

Ziggler and Seth to start. Seth works the left arm. Dolph turns it into a side headlock into a pin for 1…NO! Seth works the arm behind Dolph. Dolph pushes Seth’s face down. From behind, he locks in a side headlock. Seth hits the ropes. Heads down. Leap frog into an arm drag, but Ziggler counters, rolls up Seth. 1…2..NO!! Seth up. Dropkick. Ziggler heads to his corner. Tag to Drew. Side headlock to Seth. Seth pushes Drew into the ropes and he comes back with a huge tackle. Rope work and Seth locks the arm, but Drew smacks the chest an shoves Rollins down. Seth backs up into the corner and tags in Reigns. Reigns comes in and pretends this is an epic showdown. It’s not.

Lockup and Drew slowly backs Reigns into the corner. Reigns with a flurry of punches in the corner. He mounts and hits some rights then goes for a Samoan Drop, but Drew drops down. Uppercut from Reigns. Dolph distracts and Drew hits a hard right. Bobby Lashley is watching backstage. Tag to Dolph. He is in and chokes Reigns up on the bottom rope. Dolph sends Reigns into the corner. Tag to Drew. Whip and a neckbreaker from Drew. He grabs the arm and tags in Dolph. Dolph with a kick. Dolph sends Reigns into the corner face first. Dolph flies out of the corner, and Reigns hits a hard right hand. Reigns foes for a tag. He gets one to Seth. Seth with a springboard clothesline. Boot from the corner and Seth flies off, lands on his feet, Slingblade! McIntyre on the apron. Seth knocks him off. Suicide Dive to Drew! Frogsplash from Seth Rollins! Pin for 1..2…NO!!! Drew is in to stop it! Reigns is in the ring. Drew knocks him out. Knee to the back from Seth. Dolph rolls him up for 1..2..NO!!! Seth reverses. 1…2…NO!!! Superkick attempt from Dolph, but Seth catches the foot and shoots Dolph over the top rope to the outside. Seth goes to the top rope. He dives onto Drew and Dolph with a crossbody!

We are back after a break and Ziggler has a Sleeper Hold on Seth Rollins. Rollins reaches for a tag, but he can’t quite make it before falling down to the mat. Leg scissors is applied. Seth backs Ziggler into the corner. Seth reaches for a tag. FAMEASSER!! Pin for 1..2…NO!!! Drew is tagged in. He wraps Seth up on the ropes and pulls back on his face. Chop from Seth. Seth gets tossed over his shoulders but lands on his feet and sends Drew to the outside. Seth tries to tag in Roman, but Drew pulls him down before it can happen! He rushes back in and atacks Seth with Dolph while Reigns argues with the ref. Tag to Dolph. He sends Seth to the outside. He pulls back on Seth’s face then whips him into the barricade, but Seth reverses and it’s Dolph who hits the barricade! Seth enters the ring. He rushes for the tag but Drew rolls Dolph in, then hits a blind tag. He rushes in, grabs Seth. Seth with a superkick out of the corner! Seth crawls to get the tag, but Ziggler goes for another Fameasser! Seth catches him! BUCKLE BOMB!!!! Seth reaches for a tag. Dolph rolls towards him.

Seth is about to tag. THE REVIVAL COME FROM OUT OF THE AUDIENCE AND ATTACK REIGNS!!!

Winners:
Good shit, Seth.
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: ***

We get Drew, Ziggler, and The Revival beating up Seth and Roman. The Revival send Roman into the barricade hard while Drew and Dolph send Seth into the ring. The Revival send Roman into the steps while Drew and Dolph attack Seth with right hands in the ring. A ref comes in to try and stop D&D, but they lift Seth and hit the Claymore Zig Zag combo to Seth.

The Revival is not done. They send Reigns into the ring as well, and stomp Seth for good measure. Shatter Machine to Roman Reigns.

Recap of last week when Kevin Owens just wanted to go home, but his car was flipped over.

Backstage, Angle is playing Flappy Bird. Owens comes in to tell Angle he has to do something about Braun. Angle says they settle things in the ring here and it sounds like Owens wants a match. Owens tells Angle to send Braun to therapy. Or fire him! Angle says there is only one way to settle it. He’ll be facing Braun Strowman tonight.

Owens is wearing a Baron Corbin sweater. Nice touch.

Speaking of the Baron, he’s heading out to the ring for some reason. Apparently, he will discuss last week.

He goes over last week’s match, specifically Finn Balor’s behavior. To help him get his career back on track, Baron is inviting Finn out here to offer Baron an apology.

And now we wait…

Finn comes out, and Baron wants to apologize first. He tells Finn, he just wanted to talk when he pulled Finn from the ring. He forgot that he is so much bigger and stronger and tougher, and he apologizes for that. Now it’s Finn’s turn.

Finn says he is sorry about his comment about his vest last week got him fired from TGIFridays. Baron gets it, Finn is still angry from two weeks ago. He’ll be the bigger man – obviously, so he’ll give Finn another chance. Just apologize. Finn says ok, he deserves an apology from whoever gave him that haircut. Finn is all smiles.

Corbin says it’s hard out there for Finns out there. They don’t get paid like guys like him do. Steph picked him for a reason. Give him the respect he deserves and apologize.

Finn looks Baron in the eyes, and apologizes because Baron stopped deserving anyone’s rspect the day he became Stephanie McMahon’s stooge. Corbin has had it. He hits a hard right out of nowhere to Finn. Corbin grabs Balor and lifts him then tosses him to the ropes .Balor bounces off. Slingblade. Dropkick through the ropes from Balor, then he shoots to the top rope, but Corbin rushes out of the way and up the stage.

Backstage, Elias is tuning his guitar. It sounds great, Eli. We zoom out, and Liv and Sarah are here asking if he’s performing tonight. He says not for us, but he will for them. He starts playing while they push over trashcans and brooms.

They are SO heelish.

Match 4: Ember Moon vs Liv Morgan

Lockup to start and Ember gets backed into the ropes. She fights out, locks up from behind, and Liv get sa side headlock.Whip to the ropes and Ember flips out of a hip toss into an arm drag. Liv tries to stomp, but Ember moves and trips her up! Front faced headlock, and Liv tries to fight out. She does, then hits a hard right hand. Side headlock and the oh so powerful NOOGIE!!! Takedown from Liv and Ember tosses her out of it. Springboard crossbody off the ropes and pin for 1..2..NO!!!

We come back and Liv hits a dropkick to Ember’s face. Actually, more like an enziguri. Anyway, Liv with a right hand then a full nelson from behind. Snapmare from Ember. Right hand from Morgan. Ember hits one, too. Liv fires back over and over. Ember tursn her and crotches Liv onto the 2nd rope. She dives.
Ember hits her finisher! Pin for 1..2..3!!

Winners:
Meh
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

Back to Sasha and Bayley. Sasha says this isnt working. Dr. Shelby says that we know how Sasha feels, how does Bayley feel? Dr Shelby wants them to pretend to be each other.
Sasha ties her hair up in a side ponytail then mocks Bayley horribly. Bayley stands up and pretends to be Sasha. She mocks Sasha and says if you don’t call her the boss, she’ll stab you in the back, and it doesn’t matter what anyone does cuz she’s going to stab her in the back. She drops Snoop’s name. Haha, Sasha then says that Snoop is her first cousin. They go at it with words until Dr Shelby walk in between them to stop the arguing. They tell him to shut up until Dr. Shelby says “ENOUGHHH” really loudly.

Match 5: The Revival vs Roman Reigns and Bobby Lashley

Instead of murdering The Revival, Roman waits for the bell to ring. How nice of him. Lockup and Dawson tries to attack the ribcage. Scott goes behind, works the arm, and Reigns gets a side headlock. Scott with rights to the ribs again. Kick to the gut. Scott with another right hand to the ribs. Another kick. Reigns with a hard right hand. He attacks the head, and sends Scott to the outside. Bobby wants a tag. Scott rolls back into the ring. He goes for the legs whil Wilder distracts, and Dawson takes advantage with rights to the ribs! Tag to Wilder. Reigns kicks him in the face, and back elbows Dawson. Scott gets sent to the outside and Reigns turns into a dropkick. Knees to the fallen Reigns, specifically towards the ribs. Stomp to the elbow of Reigns. Dawson gets a tag, and attacks the ribs on the apron. Dawson locks up from behind with a chinlock and a leg scissors on the mat. Dawson locks the arm behind Reigns and cinches the waist. Tag to Wilder and we get a Scott assisted leg drop. Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Wilder with a headbutt. Uppercut in the corner. Tag to Dawson. He goes for a kick, but Reigns hits a right, and another. Whip to the ropes is reversed and Scott kicks hard in the ribs. Whip to Reigns, reversed, and Scott hits the corner hard chest-first. Reigns gets rolled up for 1..2..NO!!! Reigns with a cover but Dawson breaks it up. Lashley enters the ring! Spinebuster! He sends Wilder to the outside. Spinebuster to Dawson! Lashley gets back on the apron and asks for a tag. Reigns says no. Reigns in the corner. Crowd boos him.

Scott grabs the leg and Wilder attacks! They double team Reigns and the ref calls for the DQ.

Winners: Roman Reigns and Bobby Lashley
Ugh…
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Bobby Lashley is pissed, so he walks away from the ring. He’s done with Reigns.

IN the ring, Reigns hits a Shatter Machine. We then get a high splash from the corner via Wilder.

I should note that the crowd chants ONE MORE TIME loudly

Backstage, Owens tells Angle this show is out of control, and he should cancel the match tonight. Angle says no Owens says he is a great organizer, he can organize Angle’s office. Or he can get tickets to Shania Twain for Angle. Angle says there is no way Owens is getting out of this match. Owens says Angle doesn’t deserve Shania Twain tickets.

Backstage, Angle is still playing Flappy Bird.

Reigns comes backstage to complain, but about what, I don’t really know…because why would he be mad?

Angle makes the match. Lashley vs Reigns.

Next, No Way Jose is in the ring, and Mojo comes out and says he made himself perfectly clear last week, didn’t he? He says he sacrificed everything to place these two boots inside this ring, and what does Jose do with his opportunity? He dances, and Mojo is supposed to just give him a rematch? Fuck that noise, breh. No Way, Jose. Jose goes for a right, but Mojo attacks with a right han to the back of the head. MOjo then goes to the cheeseburger that is very obviously not the same guy from last week, and he tosses the dude over the steps. Mojo with a tackle to the burger. Well Done.

Jose tries to save the burger! Mojo grabs Jose and sends him into the apron then lifts and drops Jose right on the edge of the apron! Ouch.

We change the subject to Alexa and three weeks ago where Alexa won the MitB match.

We get news that Renee Young interviewed Rousey, and we get a clip of that. Ronda’s reaction is that she is excited for the upcoming match. Even though she is suspended, she isn’t suspended for the pay per view.

Alexa and Mickie come out to the ring. Apparently, Mickie will be facing Nia Jax.

Before the match, Nia Jax gets some mic time. She says she thought she was done with Alexa, but she was wrong. Then at Backlash, when she squashed Alexa like the insect that she is, she thought that Alexa was behind her forever. She was wrong again. Then, one cash in later, and they are back to where they started. But this needs to end. At Extreme Rules, with Ronda sitting ringside, it will. Nia says that Angle just informed her that the Championship match will be an Extreme Rules Match.

Alexa seems worried. She also seems hot. As for tonight, Nia sees that Mickie brought her pesky insect (which is stupid, cuz she’s been talking to Alexa directly…), so she brought her own. And here comes Natalya. Her and Nia walk down the ramp, arms interlocked.

Cole: “That means there are no rules! It’s Extreme Rules!”

…….

Match 6: Mickie James vs Nia Jax

Mickie tries to attack from behind, but Nia tosses her aside. Mickie with a kick then a right. Another. Headbutt from Nia. Mickie from behind again, but Nia backs her into the corner. Niatosses Mickie across the ring. Nia tosses Mickie again. Mickie on the apron. She stands and Nia tries to grab her, so she drops down quickly. Nia folows to the outside and grabs MIckie as she slides into the ring. Nia has MIckie on her shoulders. Alexa helps Mickie down, and Nattie comes up to the situation. The girls bicker as we go to break.

We return to the match and Nia rolls into the ring at the 8 count. Mickie kicks her down on the leg a few times. Another kick to the back of the knee. Nia sends Mickie into the corner. Kick from Mickie. Another to the face. A kick to the arm. Another kick. Mickie grabs the leg of Nia. NIa kicks her away. Mickie goes for the leg again, kicking it hard. Mickie hits the ropes and dropkicks to the knee! Mickie grabs the leg and drops an elbow. She drives her elbow into the side of the leg. Nia with a right hand to the chest of Mickie. She attacks the back. Mickie punches the knee a few times. Nia attacks the back again. Mickie turns and drops a hard elbow. Nia turns the hold into a leg scissors and squeezes hard. Mickie reaches for the ropes. She gets to them, and the ref calls for the break. Nia up with an elbow. Again. Nia rushes the corner, but gets a boot. Mickie hops up then off. She waits for Nia to stand, then goes for a Mick Kick. Nia catches her, so Mickie slaps her. Nia no sells it and lifts Mickie up for a powerbomb! Sit out! Cover. Alexa is on the apron and Nia is distracted.

Nattie pulls Alexa of the apron. Nia turns and hits a Samoan Drop to Mickie. Cover for 1..2…3!!!

Winners:
Not a bad match, I just don’t think anyone cares…
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: **1/2
Total Rating: **½

Backstage, Owens says something isn’t working. We see Jinder, trying to garner his peace. Owens says he is breathing. He’s doing it right, but he feels like it’s not working. In comes Charley who wants to ask Owens why he is shaken up. Owens says he is not shaken up, but he was surprised by her Gremlin self. In fact, he is thrilled that the match tonight is still on. He’s glad and why would he be shaken up? Because Braun looks at him like he is bacon? Some people would be terrifed of facing Braun, but he’s fought him before. He can look at Braun and know what he is thinking. He’s going to get in there and show the world how you destroy a monster.

Jinder is still breathing. Owens tries to join him.

Cole asks usto try and describe what we would think Reigns is, a proud warrior or an egomaniac.

Backstage, Renee wants to talk to Lashley. He says that Reigns was the one that told him to stay out of the match, so it was enjoyable to see Reigns get exactly what he asked for. Reigns has made a name for himself since he has been gone, but it’s because he’s been gone. Reigns “yard” would have been a concrete patch in a trailer park…

Wait, what?

Recap of last week where Owens had his car flipped.

Match 7: Kevin Owens vs Braun Strowman

Lokup to start and braun shoves Owens away like nothing. Owens rolls to the outside of the ring. He is at the edge of the ramp. He stares down Braun, then turns and runs! Wow. The ref starts the count. The ref is counting fast, so the end is pretty obvious. We get to 10, and Braun is the winner.

Winners:
No…
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Backstage, Owens stops his running, then starts again. He gets to his car, and it’s locked. He didn’t bring his keys to the ring with him. That makes sense. Owens looks to enter the arena again, but opts to head into a production truck of some sort. There is a valet stand, right next to the car. Nearby is a Portable Toilet, and Owens hides inside of it. Yes, Owens hides inside of a portapotty….

Braun yells at the valet guy then starts looking for Owens around the trucks.

Loud PortaPotty Chant. Braun looks inside the car, then walks away…and stops. He turns towards the shit station, and takes a wiff. Braun then turns towards it and stares down the door. He taps, asks if anyone is in there in a high pitched girl voice. Owens says yes and to go away. Braun grabs tape from a nearby box of random shit, and he begins duct taping all around the portapotty. Braun then smacks the side a few times and, oh, how convenient, there’s a rope attached to the bottom of the unit.

Braun drags the unit into the arena and some random gets in his way. Braun yells at him, and the guy looks like someone ripped his nuts off. WTF was the point of that…..

Braun goes all Riot Squad and kicks some shit around while he drags the toilet around backstage. Braun hits a few walls along the way. Braun finally drags the portapotty to the side of the stage. Oh, and look at that, a nice little ramp for him to walk up, right there by the stage. Man, talk about convenience.

Braun drags Kevin up to the stage on a ramp that is totally there every week. The unit nearly topples over prematurely. Braun continues dragging the portapotty.

Braun edges the unit near the end of the stage, looks to push it, then stops. Braun stands t the top of the stage and stares at the crowd that chants yes. Braun laughs, then backs up and revs the engine. Sear to the portapotty, and it topples a whole 2 feet off the stage.

A Holy Shit Chant is completely appropriate.

If Owens doesn’t come out covered in blue shit, I hate this segment.

Cole and Co try to sell this as the worst thing ever to happen in life.

Owens is, in fact, covered in blue shit and EMTs are here to help him. Owens is holding his arm as Braun stands from above staring down at him.

The announcer announces that Braun is the winner.

End Show