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I guess now is as good a time as any to let everyone know that next Monday will be my last RAW Report. I figure go out with a bang and do one last Bingo game so join me next week guys! It’ll be bitter. It will be sweet. They should make a name for that.

TO ALL BINGO PLAYERS! CARDS ARE MADE AND WILL BE SENT OUT TO YOU ALL AFTER TONIGHT’S EPISODE OF RAW. SORRY, MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS BROKEN.

Love you.

There we go.

Stephanie McMahon starts RAW and she’s as welcomed a presence as Lil Kim is a rapper.

Stephanie thinks she’s funny and fools us all by adding herself to the main event. She is, of course, joking, and brings up the women being in the main event. Steph says that the match holds a lot of weight, because it will be a Winner-Take-All main event where the winner will be

Not one to be upstaged, Brock Lesnar is out after Steph to gloat with his Jewish friend about their money making skills and ability to make good business decisions. He soaks in some boos for a little as Heyman smiles gleefully. Heyman does the intro then says it’s poetic justice for Steph to use the phrase “Winner Take All”He says the winner will take all this Sunday. The Winner is Brock, and Seth will take his best shot, and Brock will take it, and heyman expects nothing less. But then what? Then Brock will take everything Seth has in life. That’s what Brock does to people at Wrestlemania. Brock seizes the moment and defines his own legacy and history at the expense of his opponents. He took the Streak from Taker, took the hopes and dreams of Roman Reigns last year, This Sunday, Brock will TAKE Seth at his own words when he said that Mania may be the last match of Seth’s career. Ain’t no maybe about it. Seth gave us a spoiler because this Sunday, Brock will end Seth’s career. Brock will violate Seth and desecrate the good name of Wrestlemania, and with Brock’s foot on Seth’s chest and title high up above his head, Lesnar will define the saying that life is not what you want it to be, Seth, life is what you make out of it. They will then go out to dinner and discuss what’s next in the career of Brock Lesnar, because Seth is just an afterthought.

Said afterthough comes out, seemingly tired of the bla bla bla. Seth calls this the biggest match of his career, but it’s also the biggest match of Brock’s career. After Mania, everything changes for Brock. He can no longer make demands and be a bully. Nobody wants Brock here. Seth doesn’t, the locker room doesn’t, the people don’t. Seth gives Brock a bunch of compliments, then says that Seth beating him is improbable but not impossible. This Sunday, he will beat Brock, and take the title, and there isn’t a damned thing Brock can do about it.

During all of this, Brock laughs heavily. Brock then shoves Seth and walks out. Seth kicks Brock in the balls then attacks the head with some rights. Brock with a GERMAN! He goes for an F5 but Seth floats off and gets another low blow. Superkick to the face of Brock. STOMP to Brock! Seth holds the title overhead then tosses it to Brock and leaves the ring.

Match 1: Sasha Banks, Bayley, Natalya, and Beth Phoenix vs Nia Jax, Tamina, and The Iiconics

Sasha tags herself in, preventing Beth from starting off the match against Royce . Lockup and Sasha gets backed into the corner. Knee to Sasha. Royce gets slapped then kicked. Sasha grabs the hand, runs up the ropes, nearly falls off the ropes and gets an arm drag. She hits another one of the ropes. Tag to Bayley. Cover from Bayley for 1…NO! Bayley tags in Sasha and they double whip. Bayley helps Sasha with a kick to Peyton, but she tags in Billie who eats a drop toe hold. Sasha sends Billie into the corner. Nattie get a tag and enters to hit a suplex and a cover for 1..NO! Nattie gras the hair, tags in Beth, and holds her to allow a double whip into a double hip toss buy Billie lands on her feet, goes for a tag, but both blondes pull her back and drop her. Beth pins for 1..NO!. Beth grabs the arm, twists, then lifts Peyton by the armuntil Royce comes in to save. Sasha and Bayley enter to help Beth. Beth claims she has everything under control and takes offense.

We return to the match with Bayley hitting a back elbow in the corner to Billie. She hits another one in the corner. Royce pulls her out of a third elbow. Bayley kicks out of the corner but Royce shoves her on the apron. Peyton distracts and Billie hits a kick, sending Bayley off the apron down to the floor. Tag to Royce who comes in for a cover, getting 1..2..NO!!!! Tag to Billie. Kick to the front then back then we get an Iiconic pose before Billie covers. 1…2…NO!!! Tag to Peyrton and they both rush Bayley’s head into the corner. Royce kicks Bayley away in the corner then chokes her up. Royce goes to tag tamin, but both her and Nia drop off the apron. The Iiconics double knee Bayley then Royce gets sent to the outside. She yells at Nia and Tamina then hops on the apron. Bayley with a hangman. She hits the corner, Sasha reaches for a tag. Beth shoves Sasha off the apron by her face and gets a tag from Bayley. She enters the ring with a clothesline to Royce. She shoves Billie off the apron then kicks Nia. She lifts Royce and hits a powerslam. Cov—nope, no cover. Beth hits the ropes. Tamina holds the ropes, and Beth toppes to the outside. Beth is upset. She stands, stares down Tamina, runs, and spears Tamina through the barricade. Royce heads to beth, grabs her, and sends her into the ring.

Peyton slaps Beth a few times but gets one blocked. Beth goes for the Glam Slam. Cover. 1….2….3!!!!

Winner:
A bulk of that match was well below average. Plus 1 star for Nia and Tamina not actually wrestling, though.
Match Quality: *1/2
Personal Enjoyment: *1/2
Total Rating: *1/2

Sasha and Bayley ask for their titles as Beth and Nattie hug. Sasha and Bayley hold their titles up in the face of Beth and Nattie.

Backstage, Batista pulls in wearing his heel maroon and red glasses.

We’re back to RAW, and Redtista is in the lights down low.

Batista points to the big screen. It’s a short video package of Batista beating Triple H. We go back to real time, and Batista looks into the camera and says, “Hunter…kiss my ass.”

Apparently, Elias has been roaming the streets of New York for a week, because he is still there, walking around, playin the guitar. Cole says New York City, but we see Elias in front of MetLife Stadium, and I’m pretty sure that’s in Connecticut or something.

The following match is brought to you by Gigli.

A bunch of wrestlers who will be in the Andre the Giant Best Count Your Money Cuz You Won’t Work Here Next Year Battle Royal surround the ring. I spend my time typing out the extensive title instead of recapping the match so let’s get to what’s left of it.

Match 2: Jinder Mahal vs Apollo Crews

Apollo is on the top rope, hits a frog splash, covers for 1…2…3!!!

Winner: Apollo Crews

Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

The B Team go into the ring to stand by the trophy as Apollo does the same. Then The Ascension comes up to bicker about it. Suddenly, all of these men care about a golden statue of Andre the Giant that has chocolate inside. Everoyne that was around the ring enters the ring and go on a rampage. People start eliminating people until we are left with Titus and Apollo. The Indian Invasion enter and Jinder + Singh come in to send Titus out. They try to do the same with Apollo but Apollo makes short work of them.

Angle comes out to have a little speech. It’s his last match ever here on Monday Night RAW. He appreciates the good and bad times. He’s heard some boos, but mostly cheers. From the bottom of his heart, he wants to say thank you.

Kurt Angle looks like a thumb.

Rather than have Rey come out, we get a video package celebrating the career of Kurt Angle. Angle looks surprised. We get superstars talking about Kurt over some old school clips of the dude. A lot of it is a rehash of his Hall of Fame video, it seems like.

After the video, Baron Corbin comes out to be Baron Corbin. He doesn’t know who made the video, but it should have been in black and white because that’s ancient history. The man in the video is not the man in the ring. The man in the ring struggles to take his jacket off, he skiis down the ramp and can’t hang with the superstars of today. They’re too big, strong, and fast, and better, especially Corbin. He’s also getting really irritated with all of us hitting him up on social media that Angle deserves someone better as his last opponent. We need to forget the man in the video, because the last image that we will have of Angle is a broken down old man in the middle of the ring this Sunday.

Angle says that since it’s his last match on RAW, how bout they have an exhibition match right here tonight.

Corbin walks down the ramp, then up the steps, then stops just short of getting into the ring and hops down off the apron.

Rey Mysterio rushes down the ring and enters. He gets on the mic, says he gets it, Corbin doesn’t want to fight Kurt tonight, but someone needs to teach him a lesson in respect. Rey says, on behalf of Angle, how bout he and Corbin throw down instead.

Corbin cheap shots Rey. Angle gives him some rights, locks up for a German, but orbin escapes only for Rey to hit him with a senton. Angle Slam form Angle.

Ric Flair’s daughter is with Charley in the back. She wonders if Ric Flair’s daughter is concerned with the blue belt on the line. Ric Flair’s daughter says the whole world will be blindsided when she taps out Ronda, and of course Steph has to change the match, because Ric Flair’s daughter changed the game. Charley brings up the match tonight against The Riot Squad and Ric Flair’s daughter possibly losing her cool. She says she’s not. Hot head like Becky or a loose cannon like Ronda. They both better stay away from her after the match though. She then woos like her father does.

Match 3: WWE RAW Tag Team Championship Match
Ricochet and Aleister Black vs The Revival

Black and Dawson to start. Lokcup and Black they tangle up in the corner. Black fakes a right hand and Dawson gets upset that he fell for it. They start again with a lockup. Black with a side headlock. Chop from Dawson. Snapmare. Shoulder tackle. Another. Hop over and Dawson hits a back elbow. Tag to Dash. Whip and he gets kicked in the face. Black takes him out from below, cover for 1…NO! Arm drag from Black. Tag to Ricochet. He drops an elbow on the arm. Drops an elbow. Dash reaches for a tag. Knee to Ricochet. Tag to Dawon. They headbutt the kidneys. Stomps from Dawson. Chop from Dawson. Tag to Dash. He enters and Ricochet headbutts. Dash tags in dawson while locking the head. They miss a double axe, and Ricochet head scissors both of them down, sending Dash to the outside. Tag to Black. Whip to Dawson. Black with a running knee and Ricochet hits a short dropkick. Arm drag to the entering Dash onto his partner. Black pins for 1..2..NO!!! Right hand. Another to Dash on the apron. Dawson takes advantage and hangs up the arm of Black on the ropes.

We are back and Dawson hits a northern lights on Black and gets 1..2…NO!!! Dawson locks the left arm then drops an elbow on it. Dawson twerks the hand back and fucks with the fingers. Hammer lock on Black. Black stands out of it, tries for an elbow. Gets one. Dawson turns him and locks up for a suplex. Go behind from Black, but his elbow won’t allow a german. Leg sweep from Black. Tag to Dash. He enters to stop a tag and pulls the left arm as Black reaches for a tag. He hits a right to Dash. Kick from Black. Tag to Ricochet. Right hand Another. He hits a neckbreaker to the entering Dawson. Drops off a and floats wit ha roll up for 1..2..NO!!! Inside cradle for 1…2..NO!!! Dropkick to Dash, into Dawson. Roll up for 1…2….NO!!! Another roll up from Ricochet, but Dash shoves Ricochet into the ropes. Cheap shot from Dawson. GORY SPECIAL! Pin for 1….2…NO!!! Whoa, thought that wa it. Dash goes for a tag, while holding Ricochet. Black pulls Dawson off the apron. Dash floats to the outside and grabs Black. Dawson reaches for something under the ring. Knee from Black. Dawson with a tornado DDT off the barricade to Black! Ricochet stands in the corner, hits the corner, flips over the ringpost onto The Revival! Beautiful. The ref starts the count. Dash enters at around 8. Ricohet realizes the count. He heads towards the ring. Ref is at 9. Dawson is under the ring. He grabs the foot of Ricochet. Ref hits 10, and The Revival retain.

Winners: The Revival
Pretty good second half with a somewhat juvenile ending.
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: **3/4

Dash grabs the titles to gloat, but Black is there to hit Black Mass. Ricochet sends Dawson into the ring. Black Mass from Black. Ricochet up top. He hits the 630.

Backstage, Ronda is boxing with John Cena.

A lot of….punch lines from Ronda.

Backstage, Roman Reigns drinks Arrowhead. Dude…you just beat cancer…

Further backstage, Alexa and Breeze are talking about hair. Nearby is EC3, who they inore completely while they talk about the women and the SNL dudes being in the Battle Royal. They finally acknowledge EC3, as he laughs about the Weekend Update. Braun comes in and they stop laughing. He wonders who they are laughing at. Breeze says their friends over there who are talking about Weekend Update. Braun walks up to two dudes. Braun asks for names, but he calls him Michael Che and the other round dude is Colin. He tells the jobbers to meet him in the ring or he will find them backstage.

Roman Reigns is here to talk about Drew. Home girl asking questions is relatively shitty at her job.

Reigns wonders who is spreading rumors? Is it Drew? He wants to put the rumors aside. He is 100% clear, and at Mania…

In comes Drew to attack! He beats down on Roman until a ref shows up, and Drew screams that Reigns should have said No. He says 6 days, he wants Reigns to see Drew’s face when he closes his eyes at night. Kinky.

Reigns stands on his own accord, upset that he lost his scrunchy.

Charley is with Becky, and Becky cuts her off saying this Sunday she is walking out the first ever RAW and SD champion. She knows Charlotte likes to run her mouth. But who cares what she has to say. As for Ronda, Becky beat her months ago. She triggered her God Complex. When Ronda feels untouchable, that’s when she is most beatable. Tonight, she is forced to team with the other two, and they are hoping she loses her cool. Becky is wise to their games. She knows she’s an enemy to the McMahons fam, but she’s gotten this far. She’s taking all the gold at Mania. The other two can talk all they want to make history, but Becky has no choice but to make history.

Match 4: The Riott Squad vs Ronda Rousey, Becky Lynch, and Charlotte Flair

Charlotte and Ruby start. Kick from Charlotte. She sends Ruby down by her head. Chop from Charlotte. Again. Another. Charlotte knees the back of Ruby’s head. Becky wit ha hard tag. She enter and struts then begs for a punch. Beky grabs the kick, kicks one of her own, then gets a shoulder tackle from Ruby .Cover but Becky is able to kick out then kick then hit a dropkick and Ruby rolls to the outside.
We come back from a break and Logan has a rest hold on Becky Lynch. Whip to Becky by Sarah. Becky hits a kick. Becky dives with an elbow. Becky sends Logan to the outside. Tag to Ruby, who comes in and gets kicked in the face. Logan gets a tag and runs in to knee Becky’s face in. Logan grabs the legs and looks for a cloverleaf. Becky is Irish, so it doesn’t hurt. Becky escapes. Tag to Liv. Becky knocks her on her ass. Again. A kick to the face. Becky is up and Logan enters just to eat a Becksploder Kick to Liv. Pumphandle Toss. Cover for 1.2…NO!! Beky lifts Liv and Liv rolls her up for 1..2.NO!! Becky works the arm. Charlotte gets a tag. She goes face to face with Becky. Ronda tags herself in. She gets in the face of Charlotte. Liv goes for a rollup but Ronda rolsl through, gets the arm bar. Liv taps.

Winners: Ronda Rousey, Charlotte, and Becky Lynch
Meh
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *1/2

Ronda attacks Charlotte immediately!!! Becky enters the fray. All three go at it! Security is here to pull them apart. Cole calls them men. The girls make short work of the security, beating them down then going after one another again. In come the police this time, all holding back the girls. Ronda attacks until some of the refs arrest Ronda. The cops look like they’re part of a high school play. Maybe a musical.

Becky is arrested as well while Cole claims she deserves it. SO Ronda and Becky are both in cuffs. Charlotte Flair then runs down the ramp and attacks Rondaa!!! Cops grab Charlotte too, but she kicks Becky in the face. Cops finally cuff up Charlotte. Cole says the main event of Wrestlemania is in hand cuffs. Lol.

Ronda is able to trip up one of the cops, and one of their fake walkie-talkies come off. Ronda continues to try and beat down the cops. Charlotte does, too, headbutting her cops. Ronda yells that they pay their salary.

We move to the backstage area where cops place Charlotte in a car. Ronda gets one more kick on Bekcy. Then they put Rnda and Becky I the same car??

The girls kick at each other in the back seat while a cop yells at them to calm down. Ronda breaks the glass of the car. Cops take Becky out of the car as Becky calls Ronda a little weirdo. She walks by the car where Charlotte is in. Charlotte leaves the car and kicks Becky. Ronda, somehow, gets in the fornt seat and drives her car into the other police car, and I can’t believe I am typing all of this ridiculousness.

Ronda pokes her head out of the back seat to talk shit while Becky is taken into the car. Charlotte hits a knee to Ronda’s head that’s hanging out of the car. She is taken away as well. Charlotte is left to deal with some cops that aren’t havin her shit and that was

A segment….

Apaprently this is a very important match.

Match 5: Heavy Machinery vs Chad Gable and Bobby Roode
Get some Bushwacker action to start. Tucker with some belly to back drops, but Gable hits a northern lights then a tag to Roode. Whip and Roode hits a running knee to the big man. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! One right hand and the match is interrupted by…

Lacey Evans

Roode hits a knee, but is distrced. Chop from Roode. He backs away, runs into a high elbow from Tucker. Tag to Otis who sends Roode down then Gable off th apron. Kick from Roode. He goes for the DDT. Otis sends him in the corner instead and hits a splash. He hits the worm.

Double team move gets the win. I don’t care. The WWE doesn’t either.

Winner: Heavy Machinery
…
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Kofi video package.

Braun up next in the Ryback Special.

Match 6: Braun Strowman vs Two Jobbers

Braun squashes two jobbers.

Winner:
Braun squashed two jobbers.
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

Lashley is in the ring with his son. Charley comes in to remind Lashley that Finn earned his Mania match. Is Lashley worried?

Lio grabs the mic and wonders if Charley is kidding him. We just saw it. Last week was a fluke. He didn’t even pin Bobby. Come this Sunday, Bobby won’t have to deal with dead weight Jinder. They are only concerned about the after party in NY.

Finn pops up on the screen to turn into The Demon and squeal like a toddler.

Match 7: Rey Mysterio vs Baron Corbin

Mysterio starts with the kicks. He tries to whip. Corbin reverses. Rey slides underneath and dropkicks the leg. Corbin shoves. Rey with a kick. He slides under Corbin to the outside, Corbin chases, Rey enters the ring, Corbin tries to enter and gets dropkicked. Corbin enters, catches Rey from sliding, but Rey locks the head with his legs and takes Corbin down to the outside. Rey hits the ropes. Corbin hits him with a right hand mid-dive.

We are back and Corbin is stomping away at Mysterio in the corner. Rey heads to the outside and hobbles around the ring. He drops to one knee, then to two and Corbin heads to the outside. He sends Rey to the barricade.

Back in thering, and Rey kicks Baron then rolls through and hits another kick to the face. Rey hits the ropes. Corbin picks him up and launches him up then right back down. Corbin sends Rey to the outside with atoss. Corbin leaves the ring. Clothesline to Rey on the outside. Corbin sends Rey to the corner face first. Back in the ring, and Rey hops up for a sleeper hold. Corbin tosses Rey off his back into the corner. Drop toe hold sends Corbin into the corner. Springboard head scissors. Rey hits the ropes, hits a tilt-a-whirl DDT to Corbin. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Corbin misses a right hand to Rey on the apron. Rey locks the head. Head scissors into 619 position. Rey hits it! 619! Rey heads to the top rope. He dives. Frog Splash. But Corbin moves! Corbin lifts Rey for a possible powerbomb, but Rey drops and Crobin goes down.

Rey hits the ropes. DEEP SIX! Pin for 1…2…3!!!!

Winner: Baron Corbin
Wow….that was boring. Lol.
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Corbin celebrates at the top of the ramp until….

KURT ANGLE COMES OUT TO LOCK IN THE ANKLE LOCK ON CORBIN!!! Corey isn’t even trying to sell the moment.

We get a recap of the crazy cop killers.

End Show

Wow man….end show…..