Mop-Up: WWA Eruption

Congrats, f*ck-boy.. your “return” cost 411 at least one reader. But of course, you don’t give a shit what you do to a site as long as you get your shit published somewhere. Ah well, I was using your same attitude schtick on the Net as early as 1993.. so I’m quite familiar with the responses, and you can spare me re-reading them. Good luck with it.. you’ll need the luck to keep more readers like myself from leaving the site. Ciao. (and no, by copyright law or whatever you want to use, you don’t have permission to reprint anything I say.. so use someone else’s messages for your amusement)

Signed, a former 411 reader (also known as Ben)

No, I’ll use this one…. try to do something about it, boy!

Who uses the word “Ciao” anyway?

Hello, I’m Chris and this is the Mop-Up. I’m sure many of you were wondering if I would recap any PPV NOT affiliated with the WWF. Well sir, the answer is, of course… why not? Yeah, just don’t look for me to recap the weekly Jarrett ppv experiment they’ll be running in the Summer…. oh no, the trick here is to keep my schedule NICE AND LIGHT… as little work as possible. So… be happy with this.

And if the WWF does what I’m SURE it’s planning on doing and running two distinct PPV’s a month…. well…. that’s a bridge that’s quite a ways from needing to be crossed.

We have a jammed packed column this week. I want to discuss the new 411/smarks union for a bit…. then I’ll recap the PPV… then I got a slam bang closer that deals with sickos, fatsos, and the forums they run too. Lotsa laughs at other people’s expense. You’ll have a ball.

So…. during my time away, I spoke to Widro on AIM and suggested to him that he and the Smarks join up to become this mega(lame)site. Widro, of course, begged me to come back. I, of course, laughed at him. We said goodbye and that was it. This was sometime in early December.

Now it’s April…. and look at what happened. The smarks, that monster-massive-major league website that was just SO STUFFED WITH CONSTANT TRAFFIC THAT THE SITE JUST KEPT CRASHING has decided to give us poor 411ers a break by allowing them the HONOR of hosting their site. Anyway, that’s how Scott Keith presented it.

Well…. umm…. yeah, okay.

If you choose to believe that, go right ahead. I have a more realistic version of how this happened. In other words, there’s the bullshit story told by a egomaniacal ninny who is on full spin control in order to save face and there’s a more sensible truth. I present both, for your inspection:

The Bullshit: Which brings me to the reason why you’re reading this only on 411 and not TheSmarks. See, when we started, it was like a rock group – me, Don, Jeremy and Jon touring the big internet arenas and raising hell.

The Truth: I got Sean Shannon to pay for the site and do all the work, but he flaked out.

The Bullshit: Well, fast-forward to the beginning of this year, as Jon’s off doing stuff in school, Jeremy’s too busy with the band to be even a part-time webmaster anymore, Don’s getting married and has a real life…and that leaves me and the new backup band – Jay, Scotsman and Justin. It’s a great band, and the arenas are still packed, but it’s not TheSmarks and it’s silly for me to keep pretending that it is by maintaining a site that I lost all interest in months ago.

The Truth: Everyone got tired of catering to my ego and bailed. The new guys are okay and we packing them in still, but we went from playing arenas to playing bingo halls, if you wish to continue the analogy.

The Bullshit: And yet here I was for the past week or so, seriously looking into spending upwards of a $1000 US per year to get a new server for the site, when my stuff was being cross-posted to 411wrestling every time anyway. It’s not a matter of being unable to afford to keep the site going, it’s a matter of the site no longer being what I want it to be. So why not go the most pragmatic route?

The Truth: Less than $100 a month!! Are they NUTS?? What, you think mega-selling authors actually get PAID??? The books actually have to SELL, you know.

The Bullshit: So as of now, we’re moving. To 411, in our own area, on a permanent basis, where I can get my tape review archive re-entered over the next week or so in peace, and freely allow my writing to grow without being constantly held back by the expectations of an audience who just want me to play the same songs every night.

The Truth: This is just a weak way for me to change the subject from why I can’t afford to keep up my website that was getting embarrassingly short on weekly visits anyway to bitching at the audience for daring to disagree with my ignorant dismissal of any and every WWF storyline, match et al.

The Bullshit: You know who you are – the ones who freaked out over the Mirror Universe RAW Rant because it was something I had never done before.

The Truth: It was funny, dammit. I am the FUNNIEST MAN ALIVE!! Why can’t you just admit it!! And to mix Wrestling with “Star Trek” is not only original, but it makes me look SO COOL with the CHICKS!!!

The Bullshit: but we’re just not going to be TheSmarks anymore. Thus, no more expectations (in theory) of what the site “should” be. We’re just a bunch of guys hanging out, eatin’ fruit and being cool. In the end, I am a writer, not a webmaster, and I’m sick of having to play webmaster and doing a lousy job at it because of a lack of time. Besides, Widro is way better at it, and he might even be able to make a good search engine for my tape reviews!

The Truth: I am now Widro’s bitch. I was lousy at webmastering because I’m not all that creative. Now I can focus on getting my new book published (for TONS OF DOUGH, I SWEAR) which will be just like the first one, filled with blatant inaccuracies and lazy guesswork.

The Bullshit:So really this won’t affect anything from your end unless you REALLY hate 411. The site was running on fumes for the past month or so anyway.

The Truth: It pulled more readers than the smarks anyway…. and they had the bright idea to put up new content EVERY DAY!!!

There you go. It’s all about reading between the lines.

So, who is the WWA? Well…. some call them a mish-mash of WCW refugees who the WWF didn’t think too highly of. Others call them a bright, eager, new cast of upstarts looking to score on the lucrative overseas market that the WWF pretty much ignores. Still, other call it a revolutionary new promotion that’s out to show the world that Vince McMahon is NOT the end all-be all of professional wrestling. That Vince canNOT stop a thriving alternative. That thriving competition IS possible and IS vital! That WHEN THE BOOK ON PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING IS FINISHED, IT WILL NOT BE A MCMAHON WHO WRITES THE FINAL CHAPTER, BUT A MCMAHON…err…us… a McManus.

Wait…. my phone is ringing… hello? yes? uh huh… uh huh…. uh huh… okay… yeah, okay. Got’cha. ‘Kay…. bye. I just got word…. no one is calling it those last few parts…. seems that 95% of the general population has the WWA pegged as the mish-mash of WCW refugees thing. The other 5% have no clue what the WWA is, can’t stand wrestling, and thinks you all should go get a goddam life… wrestling is fake, idiots.

The following recap is a discourse on the latest WWA pay per view…. after viewing it, I can see why Vince McMahon has the sport in a figure four leglock.

umm…. if I ever… ever use a wrestling metaphor like that again. would you come to my house and slice off my nuts with a rusty saw blade…. preferably one dripping with semen squeezed out of Scaia’s anus (I hear he has a variable MILKSTAND up there)

So, let’s get recapping! Last time, the Mop-Up was long and pretty damn sucky… yes, I admit it. But it wasn’t as long as CRZ’s “2001 in Quotes” epic…. hey cowboy, how about a SMIDGE of humility and invest in a touch of EDITING…. not everything you say is brilliant, funny, or brilliantly funny… or funnily brilliant. A good third of that beast could have been cut and no one would have missed it.

Anyway…. here we go WWA’S ERUPTION!

-Opens with Jeff Jarrett stepping out of a limo and confronting the WWA’s Andrew McManus. Andrew runs the promotion…. and he will succeed where others (Heyman, Turner, that dude from MECW) failed. Why will he succeed with this promotion? Why HE will do what no one else could? Why? WHY? Because he’s a MCMAHON…us…. He’s got the MCMAHONus gene!!!!! People will see this show is being promoted by someone named McMAHON(us) and they will FLOCK to the show!!! It’s all in the name…. McManus… different enough to avoid a lawsuit, yet similar enough to fool the sheep.

-anyway, Jarrett is on hand to tell MCMAHONus and the rest of us that he won’t be on the show tonight, then he whammed MCMAHONus on the head. He flew all the way to Australia to tell everyone he won’t be wrestling tonight? I get the feeling they just didn’t want to look silly with Jarrett like they did with Randy “Spider-Man will do for me what Rocky III did for Hogan, but I do NOT live and breathe in Hogan’s shadow… I swear to God I don’t” Savage. No, they’d rather pay Jeff Jarrett’s first class airfare, plus a PPV “performance” fee, to whack the company’s promoter on the noodle…. just so long as they don’t look SILLY.

-cut to ANOTHER shot of ANOTHER limo…. f**king Bischoff…. he started this whole “let’s show everyone that we only ride in LIMOUSINES” crap. Wouldn’t it be nice if they tell the TRUTH for once and show a performer getting out of a ’98 Civic, or something? A foot steps out… followed by another foot… followed by a CANE… My God… IT’S MR. GLASS!!!! M NIGHT SHAMALYN IS SCRIPTING THIS SHOW AND THAT RELUCTANT SUPERHERO BRUCE WILLIS IS GONNA PAYYYYYYYYY!!!!

-the spelling of Mr “Sixth Sense” is a best guess (talk about lazy guesswork, but at least I ain’t trying to sucker y’all into paying for this nonsense) and B:

-Ahh…. it ain’t Samuel L. Jackson after all… it’s the next best thing… SID VICIOUS!! (Justice, Psycho, Eudy, Stabber Of All Things Anderson, General Nutcase, All Around Idiot… pick your moniker and be happy with it) Sid looks around, becomes noticeably upset that there are no donut shops in the general vicinity (take a look at that puffy face, you don’t get that from the Atkin’s Plan). Still selling the busted leg injury, he limps away. We are told that he is the New WWA Commissioner.

-We are NOT told where Bret Hart, the former Commissioner is…. he must have been SCREWED!! After all, a wrestling promotion is NOT a wrestling promotion until they give Bret Hart at least ONE solid SCREWING!! Followed by the murder of one of his brothers. So for the love of Christ, if Bruce Hart signs on for the next WWA show DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO SHOW UP!!!!!!! You’ll get your money’s worth, by God.

-We are introduced to tonight’s commentators…. Jeremy Borash and Disco Inferno. I understand Boreass (bwahahaaa, I am a true wit) is the primary booker for the show… this is the same guy who spent the majority of his time in WCW listening to Bob Ryder and Vince Russo and watching WCW lose it’s audience under the booking of Kevin Nash and Kevin Sullivan. Just…. just ponder that for a few moments.

-No Mark Madden? Gee, and here I was with a fresh slate of disgusting things I’d do to his Mother…. Oh I was all set to talk about cutting off Mark’s Mother’s right titty and shoving it in her mouth while cutting off the left titty and using the nipple as a condom…. SHE WOULD HAVE LOVED IT MARK!!!! SIMULTANEOUS TITTY FU**ING AND ASPHIXIATING!!!! OH, WOULD SHE HAVE MOANED!!!!

-Does Mark know that his Mom once blew a Pit Bulls’ severed penis while getting anally raided by a Turkey Baster filled with Liquid Plumber while I took a pee “inside” her choochie? WELL SHE DID, TUBBY!!!!! AND SHE SCREAMED “HAIL SATAN” THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!! ALLAH BE PRAISE, SHE LOVED IT!!!!!

-DID MARK KNOW THAT I ONCE HIRED AN ARAB TERRORIST TO HIJACK A JET AND FLY IT RIGHT INTO HIS MOTHER’S BUTTHOLE????? IT’S CALLED THE 9-11 LOVE SLAM AND SHE COULDN’T GET ENOUGH!!!! MY GOD, SHE’S INSATIABLE!!!!

-Now Madden knows why Mother always bends over and spreads whenever a plane flies overhead. It’s a reflex.

-Too bad Madden ain’t there…. I would have used all that and more.

-Boreass is wearing a turtleneck, because he just didn’t look gay enough the last time.

-Disco is wearing… ah who cares? The poor douche spent the majority of the telecast unaware of the sign that kept flashing behind him that read “DISCO DICKHEAD”. HA… sucker.

-Right away, I noticed a rather creepy style to Boreass’s announcing…. he jammed the middlewordsofhissentenceandmadethemREALLYLOUD then finished up normal. “Okay, let’s get the announcements HEREFORTHEERUPTION of World Wrestling All Stars (and I STRONGLY question the claim that the show is “all stars”… Nathan Jones? AJ Styles? Jerry Lynn?)

-Some fat old announcer with a blindingly red tie introduced himself as “Mark Erikson” and welcomed us to the “BlargleBlargle can’t cut through the thick Aussie accent to interpret the name” arena. He proudly boasted (with MORE than a bit of defiance) that they were in Melbourne, Australia. He also used the word “extravaganja”.

-Then he proceeded to introduce Boreass… mangling the damn intro beyond repair… and patiently waited for the guy to come out. Disco shouted, “He’s RIGHT HERE!!! HE’S ALREADY SITTING!!! WE’RE HERE ALREADY!!! ANNOUNCE THE MATCH!!” Cut to Disco, who was cracking up, and Boreass, who was PISSED

-The announcer began to sweat… heavily. He fumbled through his cards…. called out Disco Inferno… waited for him to COME OUT…. turned around quickly… and watched Disco stand up and wave to the crowd. He was met by a HUGE POP…. you could hear the jaws pop from yawning.

-So, right off the bat we can tell…. this’ll be a first class, PROFESSIONAL production.

-“Disco Dickhead”… that poor sap… WILL THE WWF PLEASE HIRE HIM!!!!! HE DESERVES SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS!!!

-More confusion as no one could figure out which camera should get the shot. Boreass begins talking… we don’t hear a word except from someone in the back screaming, “LET’S GO WITH A MATCH!!! PLAY THE MUSIC!!!” You know, you can just TELL these guys are thinking, “Oh man, Vince McMahon is watching us Fu** up, right now”

-Boreass realizes that his mic ain’t on and shakes his head in total disgust. The goddam entire show is a clusterfuc**…. MAN, I LOVE THIS SHIT!!!!!!

-Nova comes out… hailing from somewhere in New Jersey…. one doubts this Aussie has never heard of New Jersey, much less the town he’s from.

-AJ Styles comes out… again, I must question the title of this company… “All Stars”??

-After confirming to Disco exactly where Nova is from, Boreass started his WELL HONED, HIGHLY TRAINED play by play skills… “Nova has the upper hand in experience and HEREWEGONOVATRADINGRIGHTHANDSAND AJ Styles.

-Boreass called Styles the “Innovator of Offense”… which is a DAMN DIRTY RIP OFF of what Tony Schiavone and company used to call Kanyon in WCW…. which was a DAMN DIRTY RIP-OFF of what JOEY STYLES used to call Tommy Dreamer in ECW, except that “Violence” was used. So, to sum it up…. AJ is a RIP OFF of Kanyon, who was originally a RIP OFF of some “Mortal Kombat” character and also a RIP OFF of a Tommy dreamer gimmick and who also RIOPPED OFF Dallas Page for a while not to mention the last name of AJ is a RIP OFF of the ECW announcer who… who… MY GOD, THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-The only “innovative offense” I detect is that so far, this entire show has found a new, innovative way to offend my sensibility.

-Boreass said that if we saw last month’s PPV, we saw that these two were part of the six man cruiserweight match. In other words, this is the first time any of us saw these two men work together on any PPV… and probably any show at all.

-Boreass announces that Styles has been doing this for “onlyTHREEYEARSIFYOU can believe that” and then went on to say that he has NEVER seen ANYONE impress the “higher ups” so quickly in his LIFE. Hey jagoff… GOLDBERG??? THE ROCK???? STEPHANIE MCMAHON????? FLEA???? JOSH GRUT????

-by the way, many people (and by “many”, I mean not a damn one of you) asked me if I’ll miss Flea… the answer is, of course NOT…. I can’t miss the guy if he is always calling my house and telling stories that have a tendency to drift off aimlessly. Plus, he’ll show up here from time to time with more “Ryder Fakin” installments.

-someone in the control room can’t seem to find the mute switch, so we are told that it is 7:30 pm, Aussie time.

-As far as the match goes? Well, Nova gives Styles a “Pancake Powerbomb”…. Boreass had no name for it, even after Disco directly asked, “what do you call that move??” so I get to name it… after all, I’m the only guy in the WORLD devoting ANY SORT OF ENERGY TO THIS SHOW!!!!!

-Mid-way through the match, Boreass chooses to tell us that this is actually part of a Cruiserweight tournament. In other words, they are frightfully low on talent so someone’s doing a double duty tonight.

-Styles with a headbutt… Disco, “Ooo, a headbutt!” Jesus.

-Boreass sends a big “Hello” out to everyone enjoying them from “around the world”… who is he kidding?

-Styles gets Nova up in a piledriver position…. we hear the show’s director order the finish…. we see the Ref say, “wrap it up, boys”…. Styles does a splash move and gets the pin. Now I’m starting to wonder how these people are able to wipe their asses, much less run a wrestling PPV.

-and then there is the sign… the big monster that never left the eye of the main camera… the one that read, “WE SOLD OUR SISTER FOR THESE SEATS”. A: Security should have confiscated it. B: Someone from the SHOW should have MADE security confiscate it, or should have grabbed it themselves, and C: Their Sister got the better end of this deal.

-how do I rate this match> Hmm… let’s see… ah, here we go…. I give it 4 AGONIZING, CONTAGIOUS WARTS ON SCOTT KEITH’S PENIS!!! Instead of 1 being the worst, we’ll switch it around and make 1 AGONIZING, CONTAGIOUS WART ON SCOTT KEITH’S PENIS!!! mean that it was an excellent match and 5 AGONIZING, CONTAGIOUS WARTS ON SCOTT KEITH’S PENIS!!! mean that it was a stinker. After all…. who DOESN’T want as many AGONIZING, CONTAGIOUS WARTS ON SCOTT KEITH’S PENIS!!! as possible? And I have a funny feeling, this show will supply plenty of warts…. agonizing warts…. contagious, agonizing penis warts….

-By the way, somewhere in this match, Disco got confused and said that NOVA was the “Innovator of Offense”…. it’s like watching the world’s longest train derail…. slowly.

-Scott Steiner is backstage and he’s WALKING (I’ll take “beaten to the ground for 4 years running” for $300, Alex)

-Midajah is with him…. My God, she’s fatter than ever.

-A gaggle of “Starrettes” enter the ring and proceed to dance. Disco does the obligatory impression of Jerry Lawler. Boreass chooses to react with a robotic “oh yes”. I’m going out on a limb and say that Boreass is about as fond of women as Nathan Lane is.

-Video clip shows how Jerry Lynn beat Eddie Guerrero up so bad that he CHASED THE BASTARD RIGHT OUT OF THE WWA AND RIGHT BACK TO THE WWF!!!! AND IF THAT DON’T SHOW HOW SUPERIOR THE WWA IS TO THAT RINKY DINK BURG UP NORTH, I DON’T KNOW WHAT WILL!!!!!!!!!

-Disco announces that he LIKES the idea of a big Cruiserweight tournament…. for the second time, he says this all reminds of College Basketball. (Umm…. because all the talent will jump to the big leagues at a moment’s notice?)

-Boreass hears music and says, “That music CANMEANONLYONETHING it’s time for our Commissioner!!!!!” You mean, that music not no one had ever heard before can ONLY mean that Sid Vicious is coming because the WWF owns the rights to every single theme he’s ever had and when they called and asked Vince for the use of it Vince laughed so hard he shat his trousers? THAT music?

-Sid Vicious limped out. Boreass called him the “Master and the Ruler of the World”… because, obviously… what good does being the MASTER of the world if you aren’t the RULER… and vice/versa? see, he HAS to make sure we understand that he is BOTH… no fool he.

-Boreass explains that Sid is SO TOUGH, SO FIERCE, SUCH A COMPETITOR that he shattered his leg 16 whole months ago and STILL hasn’t recovered. Unlike that pussy HHH, who just tore up a quad and went away for 8 lame months…. what a fag. yeah, okay, HHH finished the match. SID did too!! He stayed right there in the middle of the ring and screamed, “FU** THE PPV!!!! I NEED A DOCTOR!!!!”

-of course, they didn’t have any FOOTAGE of Sid busting his leg because… well… all roads lead to Vince. Jesus…. they really do.

-Four things I like about Sid Eudy #1 He’s an idiot. #2 WCW tried to make him look brilliant by letting him win the WCW title from Kevin Nash and then smugly tap his head while the announcers praise his intelligence. #3 He actually has a script detailing his final “farewell” retirement storyline that he really, really thinks he’ll one day get back to the WWF and talk the McMahon’s into using. I haven’t scene the script, but I’m SURE it involves pinning the Rock, Stone Cold, HHH, the Undertaker, and Kurt Angle in one huge elimination match then running off to elope with Stephanie and #4 The man used his big Wrestlemania event to take a giant shit in his tights DURING his match with the Undertaker. You can actually SEE the lumps form and smoosh together under the seat.

-Sid looks upwards and points…. he THINKS he’s thanking God, but really since he is upside down in the global sense… he is thanking SATAN!!! SID JUST CONSIGNED HIMSELF TO HELL AND HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW IT YET!!!!

-Then again… the man tried to murder Arn Anderson with scissors…. does he really think God’ll give him a free ride?

-Sid thumped his chest…. God is in his HEART… chunks of Arn is still in his fingernails, however.

-Sid grabbed the mic… he announced that no one has any idea how long and how desperately he “needed to hear that”…. What? YOU SUCK??? Go online sometime, big boy…. whenever your name is brought up there will ALWAYS be PLENTY of people yelling SID SUCKS.

-Sid thanked Andrew MCMAHANus for the “opp… oppretunety…. opparoony…. opportunity”

-Sid, “When Andrew MCMAHONus, a man I never heard of, asked if I would like to come to Australia and work with him, I said that I would have to check my schedule. Then I told him that I get a commission for every Happy Meal I sell, I asked if he would buy one. He said only if you come to Australia with me. I said HELL YEAH!!!!!” (shrewd negotiator, I tell ya’)

-Sid says that Scott Steiner, one of the greatest talents ever, “simply does NOT want to follow the rules written out by the WWA!!” (I DEMAND to see this rulebook!!!!)

-He admitted that he was only human, and he won’t be able to catch every single misdeed and act of ill will that may occur during this show, but he assured us, when he DOES catch someone screwing around, he’ll take a pair of scissors and SLICE THE BASTARD OPEN LIKE A WELL COOKED HOG!!!!!!

-I will estimate that during this promo, Sid used about 23 sentences. I will also estimate that of those 23, 24 of them were screwed up, incoherent, stumbled, stuttered, or phonetically disfigured…. or any combination of the 5.

-The announcers remind us that Scott Steiner was the guy who actually broke Sid’s leg. (well, Sid did all of the work himself. After all, he’s the one who JUMPED off the second turnbuckle…. crazy nut…. what made him think he could actually survive that 10 inch drop?)

-Chuckee Chaos came out. See, he’s “ChuckEE” because of his good natured, fresh face, just wanna have fun attitude…. but he’s also “Chaos”, because when it’s time to wrestle, he’s gonna unleash carnage straight out of the ANAL MAW OF HELL ITSELF!!!!!! (I just made all of that up)

-Chuckee had a blue mohawk…. This is a perfect example of “If you ain’t American…then you are a moron.” No American, outside of Mr. T and Eddie “Oh where oh where can my career be? The Lord took it away from me!” Vedder would be seen wearing that thing.

-Jerry Lynn’s small, steady ejection from the business continues as he comes out and starts slugging. Disco states that Lynn has been in “every type of situation in this business”. I have an amusing line for that but un(?)fortunately…

-Lynn wins a quickie with the… oh, whatever the move is.

-4 AGONIZING, CONTAGIOUS WARTS ON SCOTT KEITH’S PENIS!!! THIS WAS A NON-MATCH!!!!! LET HIS (clearly unused) TALLYWHACKER ROT AWAY!!!!!

-So far, the only thing resembling an “Eruption” here are the “erupting” zits on Boreass’s face

-Disco’s headset doesn’t work. Boreass desperately tries to generate heat by lamely trying to get the crowd to chant “DISCO SUCKS”…. Disco sells it by standing up and looking around.

-A Midget with the most distended head I have ever seen yells at someone with a mic backstage.

-The same midget comes out, grabs the mic, and tells the crowd that they are all “a bunch of Aussies!!” (way to point out the obvious, Einstein)

-Dig THIS attempt at humor: Boreass, “Of all the angry midgets I know, and believe me, I’ve known a few of them, Puppet, by far, the ANGRIEST!!!”

-Dig THIS chemistry between the Announcers: Disco, “Why is this guy so angry? Boreass, “I don’t know.”…. this is followed by silence for a good three seconds.

-Boreass tells us that we’ve seen “Puppet” on “Martin”, “Jerry Springer”, and “Jenny Jones”. No, bitch… YOU’VE sen him on those shows… WE have been busy working.

-More awesome chemistry… Boreass, “Puppet claims that he once got into a fist fight with Gary Coleman!” Disco, “Gary Coleman? Really? Who won?” Boreass, “I don’t know.”… this is followed by silence for a good FIVE seconds…. possibly because Disco was too busy banging his head against the table in frustration. (will Vince PLEASE HIRE THIS POOR SHMUCK!!!!! At this point, he’ll happily job to David Flair)

-This is a hardcore match, by the way…. tables and chairs were all the rage.

-Meanwhile, someone backstage clearly yells “The HEADSET IS OUT AGAIN???? I USED TO WORK FOR THE NFL!!! I CAN’T TAKE THIS MICKEY MOUSE BULLSHIT!!!” I feel for you, Brother.

-Boreass has the amazing ability to point out the obvious. “This match is more than a little personal.” “Steiner is a dangerous man.” “Nathan Jones is the pride of Australia.”

-He also has the annoying tendency to call the show as if 100% of the audience was blind. “Tio has a ladder”. “Jerry Lynn lifts Chuckee up and drops him with a suplex”. “Midajah is wearing a black leather outfit.” “Sid is walking with a cane.”

-Boreass clearly has decided that the best way to announce is to emulate aspects of other play by players…. thus becoming an amalgamated parody or every announcer you’ve ever heard… Not a drop of spark or original personality.

-Okay, the little guy won with a top o’ the ladder Benoit style Flying Headbutt onto a garbage can. Boreass was droning on aimlessly, then all of the sudden, he decided that a rip off of Mark Madden was in order and screamed, “FLY MIDGET FLY!!!!” It truly came out of nowhere.

– … err… let’s just save me some work and let the power of “Cut & Paste” do it’s job and say 4 AGONIZING, CONTAGIOUS WARTS ON SCOTT KEITH’S PENIS!!! In fact, we’ll just go nuts and assume that every single match we get tonight will mean Scotty Baby wakes up one morning with four of these bad boys hanging from his weenie. These painful warts. Open SORES more like. No WONDER he’s so bitter.

-You know what… I’m going to take a nap. I’ll be back in a couple of hours to finish this… F-you very much. It ain’t like you’re reading this for the FRESHNESS!! I could hand this in a month from now and you’ll STILL READ EVERY WORD!!!!!!!! I HAVE THAT POWER OVER YOU!!!!! I AM HYATTE AND DAMMIT, YOU MISSED ME!!!!!

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-And welcome back… it is six hours later. I am rested, showered, and the Bird has been fed. Let’s pick up right where we left off….

-So, Scott Keith now has these AGONIZING, CONTAGIOUS PENIS WAR…. oh… how about we jump ahead, huh?

-Yeah…. after the midgets, we go backstage to see “Queen Bee” Penthouse PET: Queen Bee adjusting her skirt and examining herself in the mirror. She threw us a wink…. yes, she was winking at YOU… she wants YOU…. YOU can have her…. GET HER!!! GET HER!!!! GET HER AND SHE WILL BE YOUR CONCUBINE!!!!

-Elsewhere, Mid(dlethesizeof)aja is walking. She is accosted by one of the midgets we just saw wrestle…. who was wearing Steiner’s head dress. He put the moves on her. She treated him like he was a bratty kid. Now, the guy just worked a grueling match, yet he WASN’T sweaty, he WASN’T breathing heavy, he looked FRESH AS A DAISY…. these IMBECILES. Nice pacing.

-Midajah = a Female version of Chyna.

-Stevie Ray came out. We are told he is a “Straight Shooter”. From what I understand, the arrangement is that Booker gets the WWF push, the fame, the T-shirts, the nice catch phrases…. and Stevie Ray gets to go to Taco Bell any damn time he wants.

-Buff Bagwell comes out. Disco Inferno makes it his goal in life to remind us every 6 seconds that Buff is Judy Bagwell’s son. I am hoping that Disco is merely mocking one of the f-ing silliest WCW angles we were ever forced to accept. (the worst part was when Judy started going all white trash on us and actually cut “rasslin'” like promos)

-Disco announced that Buff was “very popular with the crowd”…. he was lying. Buff has never been popular with any crowd…. ever.

-Ernest Miller came out…. for Christ sake’s why? Boreass wanted someone to call Miller’s “Momma”. Then said he had dinner at Miller’s house and actually MET his Momma. Miller, a 36 year old man, still lives at home?

-Brian Christopher came out. Because those uptight, holier-than-thou, Godless, embarrassment to North America CANADIANS got all bent out of shape over some drugs in Christopher’s bag…. he has to now work with these ex-WCW, ex-Bischoff Butt Boys, and try his damnedest to get some semblance of actual wrestling in a ring filled with almost non-talent. Christopher has seen purgatory, and it’s called THE WORLD WRESTLING ALL-STARS!!!!!

-Disco, God Bless ‘im, tried to throw in SOME entertainment by watching Christopher dance in the ring with mock outrage and declare, “Look at this!! There is NO room for dancing like that in pro wrestling!!!”

-Bagwell chucks the audience the finger…. Boreass, “BuffBAGWELL has been in a bad mood all day.” Disco, “Why? Because he had to do PR?” HAW!!! HIRE THE DOUCHEBAG!!!!! JIM ROSS, HIRE THIS MAN!!!!!

-Disco’s only problem was that his “distaste” for pretty much everyone in there made it damn impossible to figure out who is are the Heels and who are the Faces. Disco made it loud and clear, they ALL sucked. Boreass was no help either…. to no one’s surprise.

-You know who won? ME, I WON!!! BECAUSE I GET TO FAST FORWARD THROUGH THIS!!!! I DON’T HAVE TO DEDICATE A SINGLE STROKE OF KEYWORK TO THIS MATCH ANY MORE. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

-The team with the Black guy won. DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!

-4 AGONIZING, CONTAGIOUS WARTS ON SCOTT KEITH’S PENIS!!! That’s all this match gets.

-After the match, Christopher got Miller, the Starrettes, and a bunch of white kids (let’s face it, the only black folks in Australia are the ones running around the Outback in loinclothes) and they all danced. Disco ran in and did his own little dance, Miller and Christopher knocked him down…. the white kids kicked him out. I give the guy credit for trying to save this.

-Backstage, some announcer talked to the “Funkster”… who cut a promo as Hulk Hogan. He talked about “Brothers”, “top-of the mountains”, “injecting poisons”, and “beating Andre at Wrestlemania 3”. In what is basically a parody of a real wrestling PPV, the Funkster’s parody is easily the most polished. he has more hair… which is the most unfortunate aspect of this.

-Can’t Hogan… and the WWF for that matter, sue this McManus guy? For that matter, can’t Terry Funk sue too? Can I sue? Can I get my money back? Can Widro maybe RE-IMBURSE ME??????????? CAN I AT LEAST HAVE THAT FOR DOING ALL THIS WORK??????????

-The answers are: Yep, yep, probably not, no, and 411 pays me enough as it is.

-“Quebeccer” Pierre comes out…. nice to see at least ONE person bought Scott Norton’s Workout Tape. (No one ever talks about “Flash” Norton anymore….so F-it, I will.)

-Scott Norton’s Workout: Eat, Lift, Eat, Sleep, Eat, Shower, Eat, Shit, Eat, Lift. Plus, lots of snacks.

-Didn’t this guy used to wear an eyepatch?

-Pierre insisted that everyone rose for the Canadian National Anthem. I am reasonably sure that 99% of the crowd asked the person next to him, “What is a Canada?”

-Since I am speaking to pretty much the WORLD (or at least some shmuck in New Zealand) allow me to explain…. remember Oliver from “The Brady Bunch”? Well, Canada is America’s “Oliver”.

-The Funkster came out. Suddenly, it became clear why the production here pretty much shit the bed… they spent all their cash scoring the rights to Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger”.

-Disco spent WAY TOO LONG selling the “I can’t quite put my finger on who this guy reminds me of” line…. the pay-off came MUCH TOO LATE when he said, “Oh, I know!! He reminds me of BOBBY EATON!!” For the first time all night, I laughed.

-The Funkster “Funked up”… and still lost. I would advice Boreass that, if he plans to keep on doing this gimmick, to go full out and have The Funkster and his opponent re-enact Hogan’s greatest matches. This, for instance, should have been a shot for shot retelling of Hogan/The Rock at Wrestlemania. If they are going to do it, then be original about it and do something totally off the wall.

-You know…. let’s just stop the rating system, sit back, and laugh at the thought that all those AGONIZING, CONTAGIOUS, WARTS ON SCOTT KEITH’S PENIS made the thing fall off. The guy behaves as if he was doesn’t have one anyway. Now, those AGONIZING WARTS are currently sprouting all over his hand… they are CONTAGIOUS, after all.

-This Pierre guy…. was he the one who stole Bret Hart’s leather coat, thus setting off one of the LAMEST EXCUSES FOR A FEUD since Brutus Beefcake decided to call Sherri Martel “Scary Sherri” for no reason at all. (I’m sure you snot nose punks were still in diapers and suckling on your Momma’s teet when this went down… thus you have no idea what I am talking about…. punks.)

-They take every single scrap of footage they have on Nathan Jones and use it to play a video recap. Unfortunately, “every single scrap” consisted of him entering the ring and bodyslamming some loser. So they replayed the shots several times in slow motion.

-Scott Steiner comes out with Midajah. Boreass showed off his observation skills by pointing out that Steiner looked “absolutely ripped”.

-Steiner entered the ring and grabbed the mic. I will go out on a limb here and assume that there isn’t a single person out there who cares about hearing (reading) Steiner go on about how much of a F*ck Machine he is. So instead, let’s just count the number of big words he fumbles…

-He made it through the promo…. his largest word was “sissified”, a WHOPPING four syllable banger that he pulled off flawlessly…. good for HIM!!!!

-Dutifully OUTRAGED at the insults to his countrymen, Nathan Jones came out to sell himself to America as a viable threat to Steiner. He announced that the entire continent of Australia would like to see him kick Steiner’s ass (well, the truth is the entire continent would prefer to see ….umm…. err…. I’m sorry, but the only lame Australian jokes I can think of involve Paul Hogan, Yahoo Serious, and Nicole Kidman and I promised myself I would NOT resort to pulling those names out… I’m sorry… I am pulling this line OUT of action. On the bench with ya’)

-Steiner invited Jones to come to the ring now…. clearly, he wants to go home early. With Nash out of the picture for a few weeks, he’s reasonably sure the WWF will take a renewed interest in him (I am reasonably sure of this too.)

-Jones comes to the ring, and stands there waiting…. and waiting…. and waiting…. let’s go, loser… make a move. COME ON!!!!

-Ooops, out limps Sid… totally missing his cue which should shock no one by now. Sid comes down and WAIT!!!!! WAIT…. I’VE GOT THE FINISH TO THE LAME JOKE!!! -Dutifully OUTRAGED at the insults to his countrymen, Nathan Jones came out to sell himself to America as a viable threat to Steiner. He announced that the entire continent of Australia would like to see him kick Steiner’s ass (well, the truth is the entire continent would prefer to see OUTBACK JACK MAKE A COMEBACK AND RULE THE TOP OF THE WWF AS HE SO RICHLY DESERVES!!!!!!! BRING BACK OUTBACK JACK!!!! THE TRUE horrifyinglystrereotypical REPRESENTITIVE OF THE GOOD PEOPLE OF AUSTRALIA!!!) Haw HAWWW!!! Hyatte comes through YET AGAIN!!!!

-oy

-Sid makes it to the ring and tells Jones that the people would rather wait a FULL HOUR before seeing this go down. Steiner reminds Sid that the last time they met, he broke his leg. Sid informs Steiner that he wipes his ass after every match. (I am not making this up)

-Sid announces that he will NOT allow Steiner to “get inside Nathan Jones’ mind” (oh brother…. makes you appreciate the writing skills of Stephanie McMahon. Hell, makes you appreciate the writing skills of Vince F-Ing Russo.

-Sid also announces that HE will be the “Enforcer” for tonight’s main event. Then he tried to get the crowd to chant “NATHAN, NATHAN, NATHAN”…. the best he got was some homo in the back chanting “WE WANT JOCKO, WE WANT JOCKO!”

-video clip shows us that you can’t pronounce the word “Cruiserweight” without “WWA”

-AJ Styles defeated Jerry Lynn in a long Cruiserweight Tournament Final Match that refused to be anything other than a spotfest. It was part one of a two-match series…

-…with part TWO being Sabu vs Devon Storm in a cage. With column length being a concern, allow me to recap this match with a few notations….

-#1: I never really liked Sabu. His entire style consist of applying or receiving a huge spot, then selling it for 5 seconds, then getting up and doing another spot…. another 5 seconds of rolling around in pain, then he’s back up, looking fresh as a daisy. He doesn’t tell a story in the ring… he has no concept of drama.

-#2 Storm continues to be, easily, the UGLIEST MOTHERFU**ING WRESTLER in the world.

-#3 A HUGE high point was the fact that neither Disco nor Boreass saw fit to declare that Devon Storm is NO LONGER THE HARDCORE MANIAC!! No, he has tempered his style towards more mat-like wrestling… OH, HE’S STILL AS EVIL AS HITLER AND SATAN…. but he’s more of a technician, definitely. This little fact was mercilessly SHOVED DOWN OUR THROATS by Mark Madden the last time. Of course, if Madden was on tonight, I would have talked about SHOVING A FEW THINGS DOWN HIS MOTHER’S THROAT…. but… of course, he isn’t there, so everyone loses.

-#4 At one point, Storm Powerbombed Sabu’s back into the cage. Boreass proclaimed this a “NEW, DEVASTATING WAY TO USE THE CAGE!!! ONLY IN THE WWA WILL THIS ORIGINAL TYPE OF VIOLENCE BE USED!!!!” Yes, Powerbombs into the cage wall has NEVER been done before…. ESPECIALLY not by Vader… oh no… don’t even THINK of it.

-#5 Boreass, once again stating the moronically obvious, “The cage can be used as a weapon! Certainly, both Sabu and Storm are experienced enough to know this.”. Is AIDS rampant in Australia? If so, can someone inject Boreass with a needlefull of it?

-#6 Boreass used the word “Psychologically” six times in the space of 120 seconds.

-Sabu won after two Top O’ the Cage Facebusters… the first one failed to break the table which Storm was laid out on.

-The announcers get face time…. right behind them, a huge sign reads “ULTIMATE WARRIOR IS GOD!!!” Jesus Christ…. I knew there was a time difference between what America sees and what the rest of the world gets, but does Australia still think the Warrior is WWF champ?? Are they still waiting breathlessly for Vince to send them the big match between him and that no good Voodoo Mojo PAPA SHANGO?????

-Lots of lame signs so they crew can raise the cage away. Boreass announces that the best sign holder will get an all expenses paid trip to the United Kingdom to watch the WWA completely fu** up another show!!! Whoopie!

-Midajah slept through her Evening Gown match with “Queen Bee”. Neither announcer saw fit to point out that whatever Midajah was wearing, it couldn’t even sarcastically be called an evening gown.

-She was wearing leather…. her ass alone assured us that more than one cow was used for the outfit.

-Midajah won, and was stripped down by a midget. The only other noteworthy… umm… not about this match was that at one point, Midajah slapped Queen Bee across the face. The looks on Bee’s face basically screamed, “HEY!!! THIS WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HURT!!! YOU BITCH!!” I enjoyed the shoot.

-A 90% naked Queen and a fully clothed Midget ran away as a 90% naked Midajah gave chase. I can promise you that never again in the history of your life will you EVER read that sentence again. Not even in Hustler

-Sid lumped out and took a seat… he was the ENFORCER!!!

-Steiner came out with Midajah… back in her outfit. She didn’t appear to realize just how friggin’ silly it looked to see her back in the outfit so quickly after watching a midget run away with it. SHE COULDN’T HAVE BROUGHT A CHANGE OF CLOTHES????

-Nathan Jones came out. The announcer screamed as if Christ Himself was there.

-Boreass weakly tried to sell us on the notion that this guy was the BIGGEST CHALLENGE IN SCOTT STEINER’S CAREER!!!

-Steiner grabbed an Australian flag and wiped his ass with it. Brings a tear to my eye. STEINER FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Plenty of good ol’ fashioned, Old School, momentum breaking, slipping out of the ring by Steiner… they don’t do those things nearly enough. I missed the days when Arn Anderson would slip out of the ring and demand a time out… only so Gordon Solie, Schiavone or Ross could remind us, “There are no time outs in wrestling, by God!!”

-Steiner actually threw Jones THROUGH the protected rail… Disco mocked the drama by screaming, “GOOD GOD!!! GOOD GOD!!!!” Oh, by now I am convinced Disco was just mocking everything.

-Steiner with a Scorpion Deathlock! Then Boreass decided that he wasn’t in WCW anymore and COULD call it a “Sharpshooter”.

-Jones climbed to the top rope and tried a Kane-Like Flying Clothesline… key word is “try” as he slipped and belly flopped dead on the mat…. Steiner, bless his heart, sold it as if Goldberg just speared him. Funny as hell…

-Midajah got involved. Sid managed to pull her out of the ring without actually entering the ring… her ass is THAT big.

-eventually… Heel tactics ensued and Jones lost his title to the Steiner Recliner. Afterwards, Steiner and Sid had a LOOOOOOONG exchange where Sid swore that if he ever… EVER got a chance to wrestle again, he would be happy to challenge Steiner. Steiner entertained the idea, but it was clearly obvious that he was just going to hang out until the WWF came calling.

-Sid decided that after holding the belt for all of 20 seconds, Steiner has officially become the “Greatest WWA Champion of all time!!” On a stack of Bibles, I swear he made that exact statement.

-The show ended as it began… in complete confusion.

Everyone bitches about how Vince McMahon runs a monopoly… how EVIL he is… how COLD BLOODED… how he NEVER GIVES ANYONE A CHANCE.

Bullshit…. Vince doesn’t need to raise a finger to own wrestling…. as this amateur, sloppy, lazy ass production showed… Vince runs the business because he’s the ONLY ONE COMPETENT ENOUGH to run a company and produce a professional show. Everyone else who tries is clearly a moron.

Mickey Mouse… Nickel and Dime… Mom and Pop. THAT’S the competition. Boreass should go back to selling tires…. because he is clearly in over his head.

In short… don’t blame McMahon… blame YOURSELF!!!

Oh, do I have a KILLER closer for you all. This one rocks.

I spent the last week fishing around the Delphi forums for reasons that you ain’t gonna know (so there!) and stumbled across some very interesting places. Well, one thing led to your mother and I found myself thinking, “wouldn’t it be great if I posted some quotes from recovering alcoholics, gamblers, and rape/incest survivors?”

The only problem was that the posts were really boring. Everyone’s carrying on about God and Sobriety and blah blah blah, none of them appeared willing to actually DISCUSS their illness and what was it about booze or betting that was so damn attractive. Pretty cowardly, actually…. no wonder these people fall off the wagon all the time.

Anyway, I DID find two wild forums and pulled some nutty quotes. The first set is damn right creepy… the second set is pretty funny, if you ask me. Check it out…

From the Mind Control Forum

“Aliens colonized the world in ancient times at Atlantis, Egypt, Babylonia, India and Greece. The aliens appeared as the Gods. The alien god’s trained man to build all this which has ruined the world. All the orders do is talk about their slaving work to build a toxic soceity. Orders have no respect for the planet Earth.”

“I want a small skull without implants. I want a full sense perception and awareness of reality. I want to see the energy world and other dimensions. I like visions of nature and space in natural form. I only like people who consider the planet first.”

“I want deprogramming of psychic mindsets. Psychic mindsets are enforced thoughts from implant control. Psychic manipulators program in mindsets by entering the forhead of the victim spiritually. Psychics use their hands to throw darts at the forehead. They burn the victim, erase the identity and destroy the individual. Psychics use controls to bring in death spirits (ETs) right into a persons mind to create alter personalities that are under psychic direction. Psychics constantly search the victims mind for any signs of resistance to the overmind. Resistance to the overmind is erased and the victim is installed with an extra terrestrial God voice to direct their life.”

“The mechanical implants put in during torture operations make the victim listen to the implant like it is God. The implants are cybergods. All thought of the victim is then under control of the psychic cult. The victim is constantly brainwashed that there is no escape from the cult. Now, I am trying to deprogram myself of psychic cult mindsets.”

“Brain-sucking technology has existed for about two decades. We have no privacy of thought. Perpetrators and their torture techonologies step between us and God, and I’ve see no evidence that God intends to do anything about it. We cannot — must not — examine our consciences under these conditions. That just puts a weapon in the enemy’s hand. Besides, nobody deserves torture. This is not happening to the worst serial rapist-murderers in America. Why should we seek or accept any personal responsibility for our own victimization? It’s not our fault!”

“It doesn’t matter what we think, how we think, how we live. It’s not about us at all. We are victims of state-sponsored psychopaths. They will attack us no matter what we do. They are intrinsically-motivated and their efforts contribute to an inhuman secret agenda.
Today is the last day of the UN Human Rights Committee’s current session in New York. As I write, the committee members are probably planning to leave town. I don’t know whether my complaints against Denmark and the Netherlands were processed. Even if they were, the news may not reach me. Interception of mail was one of the very first manifestations of the persecution visited upon me.”

“Apparently, the Dutch Government would not allow American agents to use ionizing radiation on me. As a result, my health improved, even though voice-to-skull and brain-reading mental torture continued throughout. Whether things would be any better in the Canadian wilderness, for instance, I couldn’t say. Being 60 years old and physically disabled, i can’t even consider such possibilities myself.”

“I think everyone in soceity is always under surveilance. Mental health has denied to me that there is a ‘thought police’. They say there is no reason why I would be under surveilance. I think this denial is same as ‘double speak’. All mental health says is that I am ‘mentally ill’ and its a free country.” All they do is give me a tranquilizing drug. They tell me that as long as I go to college and exercise that I am doing what mental health thinks is good. They want me to continue my daily activities and try to do more. Like reading, movies, music, art, hiking, walking and swimming. They suggested body, mind and spirit.”

“They want me to socialize. I am trying to make sure I dont meet contradictory people like I used to know. Everone I used to know back in 1970’s, 1980’s and 1990’s were all dragging me into psychic cults. The first time I had critical thoughts about these people was in 1995 when I received a mind control book.”

“I typed “illuminati NWO conspiracy” into a search engine and found about 1,000 web pages. I have read about illuminati mind control. In my situation it is hard to read about. I feel trapped in a matrix soceity. They have programmed my thought patterns. They know what I am thinking. The alien hive mind controls and exists as my consciousness and unconsciousness. The illuminati can program what I decide freedom is, since it is part of their front. The reading is intense and I start to hear voices. I lose track of where I am in the reading. I am trying to have an awareness.”

DAMN THAT DUTCH GOVERNMENT!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT COSTS TO IONIZE A GOOD BRAIN???? When they get in the way, the whole plan goes haywire!!! Friggin’ Dutch.

Did you know that in Martian “illuminati” means “villano”? Oh yes it does, my friends… be wary…. be very, very wary. I would say more but… well, I am already known. There are files on me…. thick files.

And here are some posts from Overeaters Anonymous

“Oh God, I am so hungry.”

“The night I hit rock bottom was when I started taking food from other tables when no one was looking. My wife almost divorced me right there on the spot.”

“Ever try chocolate sauce as salad dressing? I did.”

“I knew my wife was cheating on me. I didn’t care, so long as she kept the fridge stocked with fried chicken.”

“I haven’t seen my vagina in over 12 years. It’s buried.”

“I can remember cooking spagetti sauce and spagetti and could hardly wait for it to be done so that I could take my pain away by galloping the food down. It filled the empty space inside. It made me feel full and to me food was love because I wasnt getting it from my husband.”

“Ever feel like you’ll be alone forvever? – I do. I’m 30, and haven’t had a girlfriend since I was 15 years old – shortly before social phobia took over my life. Now I’m starting to accept the fact that I’ll never find a partner. I avoid most social situations (thus practically eliminating the chance of meeting someone), and I can be very shy around women. So the very thought of going on a date with someone is something of a double-nightmare!!…there’s the social aspect of it, and then actually being with a woman”

“I masturbate. There, I said it.”

“I have binged, pourged, then binged again. So what, right? Well, the problem is that I didn’t eat something new, I was so out of control that I was re-eating. Yes, God help me. I ate my puke! It wasn’t digested or anything and I washed it in the sink. But still.”

“I don’t know if this is helping, I still wake up every morning with the overwhelming desire to EAT IT ALL!”

“I left my husband a year ago. He started pouring caramel on his pecker thinking that I’d finally go down on him.”

“I once gave sex to the pizza delivery kid in trade for two large pizzas. My life had become a porn film.”

“I haven’t been this fat or uncomfortable with my body in years. My biggest problem just might be sugar. I am still okay with FOOD plans etc, but I’m back on the sugary junk food and it seemed like it was chocolate, but now I think it is sugar. I can’t use aspartane. What else is ther to sweeten anything with but sugar. And maybe this triggers me. Do you think you could help me at all? Maybe in starting just to tell me what HOW is all about I can ‘get with the program’?? 🙂 I don’t think I’ve been this unhappy or desperate in years!”

“I can’t take this anymore. Who wants to split a few dozen donuts?”

And that’ll do it. .

Oh my, I get to do this again next week with the Backlash ppv… TWO big Mop-Ups in a row?? Followed by three weeks off? Jesus…. it’s JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!!!! WHOOHOOOO!!!!!!

Let’s see… if all goes well, next week I’ll have some Hollywood Gossip…. some hijinks…. a few laughs…. maybe I’ll make a few message board losers’ (that means YOU, Fu**face) day and do a brand new “Across the Boards” segment… annnnd…. how about the long awaited return of Carnac? How’s that?

Ahh, this is one of my favorite days of the year… it’s the day I get to watch the 11:00 news and watch the desperate losers RUN to the post office and BEG someone, anyone to help do their taxes. Hey, I sent mine off on Friday…. and it’s FILLED with screw-ups (taxable interest? What’s that?)… but at least I can relax.

I leave you now with a final send off…. I caught the flick Arthur the other day and was reminded of something in the movie that I quoted in the Mop-Up a few years back…. seeing how the poor shnook died, I thought it be a nice way to cap off the big column.

No one will ever call Dudley Moore, or the writer of Arthur a great philosopher… but one line he spoke was and still is the damnedest piece of truth you will ever hear…

Susan, not everyone who drinks is a poet. Some of us drink because we aren’t poets

Amen brother…. amen

This is Hyatte