wrestling / TV Reports

Mop-Up: X8 (II)

March 18, 2001 | Posted by Hyatte

-Back in the ring, HHH goes for the Pedigree again…. Jericho flips him down and gets the Walls of Jericho in. HHH crawls and reaches for the ropes. Jericho pulls him away. More pain…. more agony…. moremoreMORE

-HHH grabs the ropes. Jericho grabs a chair. HHH kicks it away. HHH DDT’s Jericho into the chair.

-Suddenly, just like everyone KNEW would happen…. it became the Stephanie show as she took out the Ref. She turned around and walked right into HHH. HHH grabs her hair, just so the camera can get a real close-up of Steph’s community theater trained FACIAL EXPRESSIONS!!!! God… she really is the worst friggin’ actress this side of Pia Zadora

-Stephanie gets the Pedigree. The crowd popped, but surely not as loud as Stephanie assumed they would.

-oh… let’s go home. HHH fights Jericho for a bit longer…. literally says “F-It”… forces Jericho’s head between his legs and JAMS the Pedigree on him. HHH gets the pin and we have a NEW Undisputed Heavyweight Champion. Good match…. 3 and a half whacks across the head with the bat Skeithy would have needed four whacks but the whole storyline was built around HHH vs Steph rather than HHH vs Jericho. So Scott gets to lightly tap this chick on quick time after CAVING HER SKULL WITH THREE HARD SHOTS before she’ll let him jam his 4 incher in him (4 inches… that’s what Botter told me, at least.)

-Saliva (or the other band… I forget) get their song played as video highlights are shown.

-The show ends.

Does Wrestlemania EVER disappoint? Well…. there was the one when the Undertaker took out Sid for the WWF belt, but I am hesitant to knock that one because NO ONE should badmouth a match where one of the wrestlers actually pooped a load into his tights midway.

No, the show didn’t disappoint. They rose up and ROCKED. Hogan? Come on. Flair/UT? Come ON!!!

Now we wrap up with something called the Closer…. each column I’ll wrap things up NOT with a hard-core scrutiny of the overall show and the effort everyone put in and how experts. No, no NO… I wouldn’t waste my time. We’ve got Meltzer for that!!!! Wait, we’ve got Scott Keith for that!!! No… hold up… we’ve got MANSION FAN for that!!!!

Ugh. The funniest part is that there actually IS someone who calls himself “Mansion Fan” and this guy ACTUALLY runs around at wrestling shows trying to get backstage. “You gotta get me in… I’m MANSION FAN… I post on the 411 message board!! I’m a big Internet DEAL!! You’ve GOT to let me back there… I’m MANSION FAN… I’m a BIG DEAL!” On a stack of Bibles jammed up the anus of my dead Mother I swear this happened.

No, my closer will be about what I’ve learned since I’ve been away. See, I lurked around from time to time… often just looking for a reason to come back. Looking for inspiration. To see if being a wrestling fan on the web is worth while.

Of course… it isn’t. Nothing has changed. Everyone looks just for something to bitch at. That’s it.

Anyway…. let’s go home with this


-Wrestleline closed the same damn week I quit…. always stealing my thunder

-Scaia opened OO! CRZ opened OH. (an Online Hardon). Hooray…. so I can still rag on the Prick

-The Smarks RE-LAUNCHES! Now with DVD reviews, personal diary entries, and a Message Board that couldn’t seem to keep running for more than a week straight.

-The NEW SMARKS offered the SAME PREMISE. Running out of material and energy right around Wednesday.

-The HACKMEISTER INFILTRATES THE SMARKS! Turned out to be a weak gimmick worked by Keith and the Scots. The bitch of it was that a couple of douchebags actually thought I was the hack. Yeah…. doing something under an assumed name… that’s TOTALLY ME… *cough

-Seriously… what kind of fag do you TAKE ME FOR??? Is a weak ass stunt like that REALLY my style? Numbheads.

-1wrestling gets a break. Seemed that no one got on Ryder’s case much since I left. I’m fairly sure it’s only because no one is subscribing to the Premium site and no one is for DAMN SURE slogging through all the pop-ups to read what Bob ‘n’ Dave had to say anymore.

-the Hyatte-less 411 gets praise! A smoking new layout… a hard working Ashish… Eric S happily writing about whatever he fu**ing feels like while jamming his middle finger at anyone who’s crying about it. 411 goes on without me and does just fine.

-the Hyatte-less 411 lets Scott Keith syndicate his stuff. You all have my deepest apologies for making Widro resort to this.

-the 411 T-Shirt. Oh for Christ SAKES WIDRO!!!

-Bruce Mitchell stumbles upon some old Mop-Ups and decides to steal the jokes outright in a column he calls “Raw Stream of…. blah blah blah”. No problem, Flea was nice enough to buy me a subscription to the Torch Newsletter… I’ll just take whatever he writes and paraphrase it into a column of my own for all to read. F-me and I’ll F-you right back, Jizzface.

-Widro becomes someone’s BOOTY CALL!!!! That’s right. Someone has Widro on HER… yeah, I said HER speed dial and whenever she gets horny… she calls HIM. Why that scampy little munchkin.

-Chris Williams announces that I’m a janitor, then joins the army. Well, he’s wrong, but I’m SURE he’s doing wonders with powdered eggs and canned rations. If he actually got in the armed forces… which is to say that he actually ENLISTED, one doubts he had the psych profile to rate anything better than a mess corporal. He’s cooking chow, kids. Somehow, though… I have a strange feeling that he’ll be back with us before long.

-Rob Black vs… actually, I haven’t the faintest clue what’s going on here… and didn’t really put any effort into finding out.

-Honky Tonk Man CLOSED DOWN his website. Apparently, I was the only mother f-er who went there and talked about it. AM I THE WEBSITE KILLER OR WHAT???

-On Raw, a guy in a dress showed up at the Friendly Tap. Many people ask Flea if I was the guy in that dress. WHAT’S IT TO YOU?????

-annnd… err… that’s it, really. It’s really, really boring out there.

You know what… you all STILL suck. I’ve surfed from time to time… I’ve looked around… 99% of you are still cherry ass cumstains whose main goal in life is to lick the nuts out of whoever’s message board your on. I’m sorry kids… hate to break it to you… but CRZ, Scott Keith, Dean Rassamullin (however it’s goddam spelled), Janitor, Mr. Tito, and everyone else should not HAVE devout followers who agree with and love everything they say…. this shouldn’t be HAPPENING. But happen it does.

No, from now on, you all should follow and worship ME!! And some douche named Sugar Shane Spears.

So…. I haven’t changed, much…. this net hasn’t changed much… wrestling hasn’t changed much. Everything remain practically frozen in time since I left. No new sites… no new revelations. The same people complaining about the same thing over and over again.

Yeah…. it was time for me to come back. Even if it’s only part time…. this Internet is just so BORING without me. Y’all need an asshole.

We’re gonna have a little fun.

This is Hyatte


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