The Mount Rushmore of Royal Rumble Title Matches

ROYAL RUMBLE TITLE MATCHES

Greetings, beautiful people…

I literally got Disney+ for their Simpsons catalog. Worth every penny, even though I only watch the first 9 or 10 seasons. Man…the writing, the humor, I mean, I’ve always appreciated it, but going back and rewatching for the first time in many years, it’s astounding. I’m watching Cape Feare right now, and by Lucifer’s beard is it amazing. I think their peak was Homer Bad Man. Can anyone debate there’s a better episode? The social commentary, the humor, absolutely flawless and one of the best pieces of art of all time.

OK, now that we got The Simpsons talk out of the way, let’s get down to the 4 Rumble Title Matches most worthy of being on the Mountain, baby….

Why It’s On The Mountain: CM Punk was admist one of the longest running WWE Heavyweight Championship reigns of all time, as one of the brightest and biggest breakout stars that the WWE had seen since the Attitude Era. However, all good things must come to an end, and, really, if your streak has to end, at least it ends at the hands of one of the biggest stars in both wrestling and the world. So, not only do you have a Champion with one of the longest streaks in wrestling history, but you have a returning Rock, looking to actually be a Champion again, and not just have a one-off. For a lot of reasons, this was a pretty big and monumental ordeal.

CM Punk [C] vs The Rock – WWE Championship – Royal Rumble 2013
434 is the amount of days that CM Punk has been the WWE Champion, something you definitely wouldn’t expect here in the modern era. I like that the match went on last, as all Heavyweight Title matches should. Of course, it only went on last because of The Rock. They start off unloading punches on each other, with Punk getting the best of it, as they battle to the outside and back in, while the crowd jumps between “Let’s go Rocky/CM Punk” chants. Great moment where The Rock takes a top off the Spanish announce table, only for Punk to get back on the attack and throw him back in, then put the top back on top of the Spanish table, something I’ve never seen before. Brilliant. Apparently The Rock was “bleeding internally” on the previous Raw, so Punk is working the gut. However, Punk tweeks his knee, so Rocky starts to target it. They go through some great reversals and submission attempts. They finally get to the table, and when Rock goes for the Rock Bottom, the table collapses. He’s had that problem a few times. They get back in, and have a great back & forth, but as Rocky goes for the Elbow, the lights go out and once they’re back on, The Rock is splayed out on an announce table, apparently powerbombed through the table. Punk takes him back in the ring where he pins Rock, and the crowd legit cannot believe it. Vince McMahon comes out and is about to strip Punk of the strap because of The Shield’s involvement, but The Rock says no, he’s gonna take it from him. So, Vince has the match restarted. Punk jumps right on The Rock and pummels him, but can’t get the pin. Rocky hits a People’s Elbow out of nowhere, and pins CM Punk to win his first WWE Championship in 10 years.
They had themselves a pretty decent match. Nothing amazing, but the heat was definitely there, Punk looked dominant, Rocky was a great babyface, and if you’re gonna have a massive reign ended, The Rock is just as good a choice as anything else. I was digging this, but I do wish that Punk hadn’t lost to a single People’s Elbow. There needed to be a Rock Bottom in there.
Rock wins the WWE Championship after a People’s Elbow at 23:20 | ***1/4

Why It’s On The Mountain: The Attitude Era was in full bloom, and entering a year that would undoubtedly be it’s greatest in terms of content quality, due to the defection of Vince Russo. Less Springer, more wrestling. Starting that year off would be this main event, where Mick Foley had decided his career was soon over, and wanted to go out putting over then Champion, Triple H. Who, while believable as a Champion, hadn’t really had that defining feud that would cement him in the eyes of the fans. Now, as Foley does best, he went out there and turned Triple H into a main event Champion that was a force to be reckoned with, as they turned in one of the greatest WWE Championship matches of all time. Sans that stupid ordeal with the barbwire 2×4, this is an absolutely flawless match.
Over the course of the last few years, Mick had become more about character and antics than he did match quality, something he’d picked up on, and wanted to change. Also, he’d been, as he put it, more of a children’s character, and wanted to show he still had some teeth. So, just as he did in 1997 in the same building, Mick returned as Cactus Jack, and the rest is history.

Cactus Jack vs Triple H [C] – Street Fight for WWE Championship – Royal Rumble 2000
Cactus starts off heavy, brawling to the outside before getting back in and taking a super chair shot, only to bounce right back. They brawl through the crowd, into the awesome stage display that looks like an alley way. Triple H takes a beating here, with suplexes on wood pallets, as well as being repeatedly bashed into the steel doors. A 2×4 wrapped in barbwire is introduced by Cactus, only for it to backfire on him as HHH gets a hold of it. The ref takes it and makes one of the Spanish announcers hide it under the table, only for Cactus to go back and get it. However, you can see it’s a different one, because before it went under the table the barbwire was becoming unwravled from the 2×4 before the ref took it. For YEARS this annoyed me, because I couldn’t figure out what was going on. Did the announcers fix it? Why would they have fixed it? But then I learned a while ago that they did it in order to switch out real & fake barbwire. In otherwords, Triple H is a damn weiner child. Speaking of the man, he’s now bleeding a gusher. HHH gets out the handcuffs and locks up Foley, who manages to fight back pretty damn well with his handcuffs, including a great spot where he gnaws on HHH’s face. They get to the alleyway again, and The Rock comes out to crack HHH with a chair before an officer comes out to uncuff Foley. He breaks out the thumbtacks, and as is the rule, he who breaks them out, ends up in them. HHH hits a Pedigree, which Foley takes like a man, and how it’s suppose to be taken. He kicks out, which the crowd explodes over, because the Pedigree was very protected back then. He gets back up with the crowd behind him, only for Triple H to deliver another Pedigree, only this time in the tacs. Fucking brilliant. This scores the 3, putting a cap on arguably the greatest hardcore match of all time, and easily one of the best matches of the last 20 years. Absolutely flawless. It would be this and the follow up at No Way Out that would cement Triple H as a main eventer.
Triple H hits the Pedigree in the tacs and scores the pin at 26:55 | *****

Why It’s On The Mountain: Outside of the fact that The Undertaker & Shawn Michaels kept having incredible matches, and this is absolutely one of them, this match makes the list for the simple fact it completely changed the course of wrestling history. A simple mis-time on a move resulted in one of the hottest heels in the business, arguably the best performer alive, to be side-lined for 4 years. Who knows what would have happened had Shawn Michaels not gone away, what the landscape of the WWE would have looked like. DX may not have become what it became, the main event scene would have looked radically different, and who knows who may or may not have been given their shot, seeing as such a void was left. Plus, we also got the moment that finally resulted in The Undertaker accepting Kane’s challenge for WrestleMania. Which, as a 15 year old, I was frothing at the mouth to see these guys finally wrestle.

Shawn Michaels [C] vs The Undertaker – Casket Match for the WWE Championship – Royal Rumble 1998
The original DX, looking back on them, at least the Shawn/HHH version, was really mean spirited. Match starts off with Shawn trying to catch ‘Taker with his speed, and ‘Taker batting him off with a power move once in a while. He botches an over-head press attempt, so Shawn hits the ropes and they do a back-body drop, which ends up causing Shawn 4 years of his career. All because ‘Taker blew a single spot. Crazy. Shawn ends up in the casket, but the Undertaker is unable to close the lid, and when it’s back open, Shawn throws powder into ‘Taker’s eyes, finally giving him the upper hand, at least for a few hopeful moments. They get to the outside where Shawn is able to do his most damage thus far, slamming ‘Taker into the stairs, and then delivers a perfect piledriver on the steel stairs. Then while Shawn takes a powder in the ring, HHH pummels on ‘Take with his crutch, prompting Shawn follow suit and crack on him with a chair, before bringing him back into the ring. There’s a sign that says “Stone Cold is bout it”. Well, thank God. Great moment where Shawn finally gets the Undertaker in the casket, but decides to taunt him with a crotch-shop while standing above him, and he responds by reaching up and grabbing Shawn’s DX. The Undertaker hits Shawn with a Tombstone from the ring apron into the casket. But before it can be shut, The New Age Outlaws, and the Los Boricuas come out and pummel on the Undertaker, allowing Kane to make what appears to be a save, but then he beats the hell out of him, throws him in the casket, and, of course, sets it on fire, killing the Undertaker. In a casket match. Again. Seriously, twice in 5 years he’s gotta die in one of these? Kane chops a hole in the top after locking it, dumps in gas, and poof. This match is like all their matches, awesome. They kept a hell of a pace, and Shawn looked like he had to constantly be going at 100% to barely keep The Undertaker at bay.
Shawn retains when Kane kills the Undertaker at 20:30 | ****

Why It’s On The Mountain: Because it’s the 1992 fucking Royal Rumble, that’s why!

Royal Rumble – WWE Title Match – Royal Rumble 1992
The British Bulldog and Ted DiBiase are the first two contestants. Ted works over Bulldog the entire time, thinking he’s eliminated him, turns his back, only to get clotheslined out when Bulldog gets back in. We then get #3, the Nature Boy, Ric Flair, which causes Bobby Heenan to have a heart attack. Bulldog is as big as a damn house. Sags draws #4. Bulldog eliminates him. Haku is #5, HBK is #6. Tito comes out for #7. The Barbarian is #8. Texas Tornado is #9. Not much has been going on, just the usual “fight, try and eliminate dudes, but they’re holding on tight” kinda thing. Kerry hits Shawn with the Discus Punch and he sells it by jumping and spinning. Love it. Repo is #10, hell yeah. Such a ridiculous character, but I dig it. Greg The Hammer is #11, and I bet he gives Ric Flair about 563 chops in 2 minutes. #12 is Nikolai Volkoff, and he’s soon eliminated. #13 brings us the Big Boss Man. Repo eliminates Hammer, which is the 2nd guy he’s eliminated. Go Repo. He’s then promptly eliminated and damn near lands in the 3rd row after Boss Man threw him out. Flair eliminates Bulldog & Kerry one right after another. Big Herc is #14, who eliminates Barbarian, and is then eliminated by Boss Man. He then pummels on Flair for a few before he accidentally eliminates himself, and also almost cuts off his own head when it gets caught under the bottom rope. #15 is Hot Rod, and the crowd goes nuts. He runs wild on Flair, in classic Piper fashion,. #16 is the Snakeman, Jacob The Snakeob Roberts. Man, Jake’s jabs are absolutely gorgeous. Great Heenan moment where Piper saves Flair, and he says “Thank you, Rowdy, it’s a kilt, it’s not a skirt” and then seconds later when Piper puts the boots to Flair he says “Why, you no good…it’s not a kilt, it’s a skirt!”. #17 is Jim Doogan. #18 is IRS. #19 is Snuka. He does his usual Snukaness when he arrives. I tell ya, Piper has gotta be the most unorthodox wrestler of all time. The Undertaker is #20, and he promptly eliminates Snuka. Macho is #21, and he sprints to the ring while Jake hides. Macho hits the ring, can’t find Jake, and starts getting pummeled by the heels, until Jake finally shows up and Macho loses his shit, pummeling the hell out of Jake at 100% speed. He eliminates Jake, and in the heat of the moment, jumps over the top rope to get more of Jake. Prompting Heenan & Gorilla to assume that the only way to be eliminated is when you’re propelled by someone else. #21 is Berzerker, #22 is Virgil, #23 is the Shiek, and he’s soon eliminated by Macho. #26 is Hogan, and he comes out and starts whooping on the heels, while they try and take him down, but, c’mon, ain’t happening, Jack. He eliminates ‘Taker, then Berzerker, and the crowd is losing their damn minds. Virgil and Hacksaw are eliminated at the same time. #27 is Skinner. Great moment where Flair hucks Hulkster into the turnbuckle, screams “Whoooo!” at him, only to then eat a clothesline. #28 is Slaughter, just as Skinner is eliminated. #29 is Sid, crowd pops huge, and continues to do so for just about everything he does. Warlord is final at #30. Sid eliminates Slaughter via throwing him so hard intot he turnbuckle. Piper eliminates IRS. Sid & Hogan eliminate Warlord. Sid then eliminates Piper & Martel at the same time. Savage is gone thanks to Flair. Finally, as Hogan is working Flair, Sid comes up and eliminates Hogan, who then acts like a total bitch and grabs Sid’s arm, allowing Flair to toss him, and send Heenan into an absolute fit of ecstasy. Such an awesome, awesome moment. Hogan chases him off, giving Hogan & Sid the ring to basically set their WM8 program. Pretty damn lame we get a new Champion, and he doesn’t even get a moment in the ring. Gets a HELL of an interview though. This is often cited as the best Rumble of all time, and it’s hard to argue. It can get pretty boring at times, but the line-up is pretty damn star studded and there’s a lot of fun to be had.
Flair wins the strap at 1:00:02 | ****

Thanks for reading, ya’ll. And as a parting gift, Maria in NJPW….

Any questions, comments, drunk-ramblings, feel free to send them my way, I always dig hearing from you, the beautiful people.

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